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It can be proplem. The constant need to take care of the body. To eat, shit, and piss and shower. Is carrying a body a burden or a bliss? The soul is identified with an imaginary temporary physical avatar.. For a while. Not for long time but for a while. The more I recognize my true nature and then compare it to the body.. The more I see the body as a burden. A burden that I have to carry on for my whole life. Babysitting this body. Task after task. Feed me. Please Me. Rest me. Move me. Clean me. Over and over again. A chore after a chore. Until I fall dead after reaching the limit of exhaustion. A house of diseases. A house of desires. The never-ending desire that doesn't amount to anything other than the multiplication of itself and the expansion of disappointment. A house of needs. A house of lacking and constant aiming. The mind can be at ease. The soul can just be content in the now. The body has to perform effort and chase after it's "needs". There seems to be a conflict between the body and the soul. The nature of limitation VS unlimitedness. What is your relationship with your body?

Perhaps I wasn't given much freedom for me or anyone in one of the strictest diets. It's uncommon to catch oneself on vegetables and fruits and think this is the way eating or drinking should be, it's merely if I'm ready to have a boss I'll let diets and things tell me how to live my life. I tried almost a month of these liquids and for now I don't believe in controlling powers. I'd rather adopt another diet which is bliss to me and I don't know how to eat right. On the other hand low fat high carb vegan is a possibility.

That sounds like slowly relating to pain differently. Not cure for cancer. Maybe I misunderstood and nobody claimed that definately being a thing. Other than that, I still disagree with your elitistic view on spirituality. That spirituality comes hierachically after life of survival has turned to life of luxury. If I had to guess you read somewhere about Maslows hierarchy of needs and took it on faith. First survival needs, then social, then x and then spirituality (which apparently just is me and my states of bliss and enlightenment. Others are just illusion? Not saying you think that but generally seems to be the view in this forum). There is no empiric studies made on maslows pyramid scheme tho. People with no security in life make art. People with no job or income help others. Peoole get married after quitting treatment for their incurable illness. These people actually reflect pinnacle of spirituality in my view way more than someone who thinks he is on top of the world because God hooked him up with life that is dope enought for him to finally have some time to try to solve the puzzle God made to hide himself.

" I went into a seemingly timeless cognitive delusion where I was the creator of everything that ever was, ever has been, and ever could be. I was, without a doubt, the all-powerful god and could cause life to exist with my imagination. After I imagined myself into existence multiple lives of eternal bliss, I got more adventurous. I imagined into existence more ridiculous scenarios of how far I could go from god. I gained an immense amount of satisfaction by tricking myself into believing that I was not god. I loved making myself worship myself, argue about myself, live for myself, and kill for myself. I did this repeatedly because the moment that I became god got so much funnier the deeper from god I went. I imagined billions of universes into existence and every single one of them was exactly how I wanted it to be—the perfect mixture of pain, pleasure, and humor. I made it all into a cosmic joke. As the creator of this cosmic joke, my jokes were both sadistic and masochistic in nature. I was responsible for billions of years of pain, horror, and destruction. I used them as plot devices for my jokes. These concepts had no emotional attachment at the time due to my strong feelings of duality. I tortured myself billions of times for the sake of a laugh. I wanted to experience all there was to experience—even pain. I created existences for myself in which I suffered from deliberating mental disorders and mental retardation. I knew that nothing could ultimately hurt me in the end. I had no choice but to use pain and pleasure equally. It was as if all of existence could be divided into two equal parts—the yin and the yang, the good and the evil, pain and pleasure, everything and nothing, life and death. I made all of my universes with this duality in mind. I warped the yin and yang into as many ways possible, but I made it satisfying and humorous too. I plotted my universes to the smallest detail on the cellular level. It was a cosmic game at best, but a game worth playing to the ends of infinity, no matter how terrible it appeared to get. I had designed it this way myself in advance and was not afraid to live all of its existence. I had made it absolutely perfect for myself." https://m.psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Experience:150mg_MDMA_%2B_20mg_2C-B_-_I_designed_it_this_way_myself

Thats the thing. Spirituality with any depth isnt just my little inner project. My insight, my state of consciousness. Why? All that shit is off the window, retreat after retreat and Trip after trip when im in contact with people close to me, family, friends etc. And when interacting with people in general. Thats where rubber hits the road indeed. And thats where shit gets complicated and not so simple and nice and blissfull. So maybe there is more to it than just trying to see it as illusion. Maybe it doesnt seem like that because it isnt. Maybe we shouldnt try to find some state of inner love where I can stay in this high bliss state and bring love and care to where its difficult. Between us.

@Adodd Spiritual bypassing tends to be linked to the concept of 'staying with what is'. In other words to sit with one's pain and not to sweep things under the rug. But sometimes this so called spiritual bypassing can actually be a good thing. One can get stuck in just sitting with one's pain. So taking the counterintuitive route, and simply imagining a new past where you were infinitely fulfilled, can work wonders. A healthy combination of shadow work and bliss work is key.

It stays intense as fuck but gets less scary and more manageable. Ive had about 15 or so changa trips. Similar to ayahuasca yes. Not the same though and not 5meo dmt at all. Changa is just smoked nn dmt and harmalas, ayahuasca is drinking nn dmt and harmalas. You can even experiment with drinking the maoi than smoking the dmt (or vice versa) instead of smoking both or drinking both. Changa is hardcore man. Start off small. I dont reccomend mixing psychedelics without doing a LOT of research and having a sitter the first few times because people react very differently to it but Changa on lsd is an unimaginable bliss for me.

Hi @Loving Radiance You really don't have a choice to create the illusion of separateness. If you're experiencing at all what I've been experiencing, concepts, labels, judgements, and separations have been loosing grip over you over time. In a few months from now, you'll be completely immersed in a deeper oneness than you thought possible. If you try to fight it and create the duality, you'll suffer. I understand the strangeness of the realization that "no one's there", but ask yourself, who is there to judge the strangeness of this situation as a bad thing? Nobody! I have an uncomfortable sensation when I "merge" with everything if the experience is only a visual or mental one. The more in touch you are with the senses of touch, smell, and sound, I think you'll find the experience more pleasant, at least i do. Also get in touch with beauty, gratitude, and bliss by learning to fill yourself with these emotions at will. Right now you're asking what you need to "do" to "manage" your awakening. Stop listening to those thoughts and enjoy the experience. "A bottomless pit is the safest place to fall into" - Sadhguru

Yes. Self inquiry got me there, along with some kundalini work. When I had a lot of thoughts and self doubt. There was a lot of ego to unravel. I had a moment at the end of it, after my self inquiry, meditation, detox etc where the ego was lost completely. I had a white light spiritual experience, which I cannot describe to you adequately. What we know as love here if you amplified that so it was everything, if you took a yoga bliss feeling and turned it up tenfold. Then had the cloud of that light linger for the next two days as you walked around. No drugs. Just routine over six months. Only etherium black and gold for dream recall until that stopped working. Then life hits you in the face. You get some pain and suffering. The ego comes back or reforms in its protective role. Slowly the world changes as time passes and the ego has to come back further.

Guys, please help. Lately I have been doing pretty bad. It feels as I hit the wall of my life. I have apathy and cannot construct meaning to move on in life as I used to. I was hit by terrible depression. Sometime reality feels unbearable. I have zero energy to go and conquer the world. Everything is falling apart: personal life – will face divorce, most likely this year, education: no power or interest to work/continue my master’s, work: started a new job in a new company, have no clue if they keep me there for a long time. Am I facing a dark night? I have so much fear, fear of unknown. Every achievement in life feels empty. I cannot enjoy things. Sometimes, I want to fall asleep and not face existence. I do not have anything to lean on, feeling very insecure. One day could cry from divine bliss, another day suicidal thoughts. One day awareness is so high, another day I turn into ignorant bitch, everything flies out the window, all my wisdom. I cannot recognize myself anymore. My identity or illusion of it feels very strange. Guys, how did you keep your jobs during this period of your life. I have to support myself somehow financially, but I am not sure if I can concentrate on my job duties when falling apart like this. I have zero energy. Sometimes, it feels that I am falling into a dark whole of my life, to the lowest.

1) How long are you into spiritual path? 7-8 years, but the path didn’t really start until the last ~2 — that’s an important distinction. In my estimation, once the path to truth-at-all-costs begins, it ain’t taking more than a few years at the most... ? it would be unbearable... unless detouring massively. Once the path starts, a hallmark I can illuminate is: embarrassment of your own naivety 3 days ago, on a constant running basis — it’s that swift — i.e. it ain’t taking 20 fucking years. 2) How many trips on psychedelics have you experienced? And what psychedelics? Hundreds. Lots of psychedelics (practically all of them aside from obscure research chems, though I’ve tried some of those too) and some dissociatives. Favorites include: LSD-25, 5-MeO-DMT, RS-ketamine, N,N-DMT. 3) How often do you meditate? Automatically (without any intention or effort) nearly all the time, but an occasional 10 minute sit every now and then. Used to sit up to 5 hours a day — Jhana access, witnessing, noting, etc. Learned primarily from Culadasa’s TMI, and also STF and TWIM and many others like Kenneth Folk and Daniel Ingram, Buddha/Sutras, etc. Ramana style inquiry; Witnessing; etc. Adyashanti... etc etc... 4) Has your life gotten better or worse? How? Literally a different order of being. Incomparable to what I was before. Nothing that makes sense on either side makes sense on (or relates to) the other. But before the path resolved so completely, I followed a book called Seeing That Frees by Rob Burbea as an adjunct to my meditation practice, and I would say I was about 10x happier than I was before getting skilled at meditation. I did a Metta practice during daily activities — this seemed to be associated with my relationships seeming to magically fall perfectly into place in easy flow. Highly recommend Metta, though I don’t really practice these days. Anything that uncovers the underlying natural flow of the dream-world-universe = good. Don’t underestimate how powerful meditation can be. If you are unaware that some of the states access-able in meditation are more intensely blissful than the cleanest drugs in existence, well now you know — believe it or not. There’s more to life than meditation, but having access to clean and as-overwhelming-as-you-want bliss at any given time? Or even some modicum of that? It can change you in a really nice way, and allows you to move onto other things. That had nothing to do with enlightenment, though at the time I was quite sure it did. Buddhist paths to enlightenment hardly make sense to me anymore... To wake up, you simply must want to wake up to truth at all costs, and that’s literally all there is to it! ? Keep on going until the end of knowledge and seeking is reached — nothing further to know, literally. And not even that, really. And it actually does not make sense — that may well be the strangest part about this. 5) What are your main insides, want advice could you give to others? This is the entire whole. Alone. Already. It’s funny how many times I heard that yet didn’t (couldn’t) even hear it. There is only God’s plan — play. Plan is rather misleading as it suggests time — there is only timeless infinite creation; play. If you’ll excuse the word God — it’s not important. Your whole problem as a seeker is that: You actually are not seeing what cannot be simpler! Right now... It’s like there’s the pretense of not getting a joke. You aren’t “the void and not the play.” You light up both and are everything but not anything in particular. There’s no fixed you witnessing what’s appearing. There’s just what appears, it’s everything, there’s no separate person, and what appears isn’t actually something that appears. There’s no it. If you think you’ve been seeking truth, and you think you’ve been doing it for more than 3 years, then your next step is to realize you’ve really been doing something other than seeking truth. The only truth is that there is truth — I am THAT I am. To want enlightenment is to misunderstand it. Any claim to knowledge is a confession of ignorance.

Okay, so kundalini energy is really nothing to mess around with. I had it explode about three years ago (long story). Fast forward three years and it's coming back. I can feel different chakras opening with energy. The most notable one has been the third eye. I feel pressure there daily, and also I've started noticing my crown and throat gaining energy. What's scary, is how powerful the root Chakra can get. This past Saturday it felt as though I was going to lose control of myself again, as it happened previously. I had a spontaneous awakening three years ago from practicing sex energy retention. What's been happening now is no matter what I do, if I release this energy or not (most times will happen in my sleep) I can feel kundalini getting stronger. I have been meditating for about 5 months and my body will do spontaneous movement where my head will swirl around and I will rock back and forth or side to side. I've been scrambling to try and figure out what I should do to prevent or prepare for something explosive again, because I'm experiencing the same sort of sensations and feelings as I did three years ago. There was a period of time where I got put on really strong anti psychotic medication, and I've been off them for around a year and a half. No one should have to live with those medications, as they make one a zombie and suicidal. I guess what I'm getting at is, do I try to work on the other Chakra centers? I've started guided meditations for each one. But for some reason I feel that they are opening up by themselves. Synchronicity has been ramping up as well, and from my experience, this means that something big is going to happen right around the corner. My biggest fear, is ultimately myself. Because kundalini is just you, realizing yourself. If I said I wasn't scared, I'd be lying. Literally no one I know other than myself has had such a scary, powerful awakening. Any advice or input would be great. Thanks. Edit: I will often get spontaneous arousal, and I've had moments of erotic bliss. From what I've read I have to hold the sexual energy in to allow kundalini to rise. But who knows? The internet is a double edged sword and the little information o find tends to be vague.

@BenG to add to what @Consilience said: here's a shocker, you know how people say it's about the journey not the destination? Well you're fucked because there is no destination ?. The journey is bliss. All the cells in your body working 24/7 to something greater, the mind dreaming of greater and greater things to accomplish. The seemingly inexhaustible "hunger" is not greed, it is the energy of existence itself. "MORE!" -Universe

Discussed topics: Death, Paradox, Mind, Oneness, Lucid Dreams, Searching/Chasing, Seeker, Repetitive Questions, Existential Crisis, Stories, Survival, Identity, Neediness, Solipsism, Philosophy, Infinity, God, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Law of Attraction, Future, Fear, Heaven, Wordlessness, Life, Control, Doing, Neurosis, No-Self, Fun, Energy, Thoughts, Ideas, Freedom, Tranquillity, Absolute, Free Will, Doubt, Mystery, Yoga, Breathwork, Formlessness, Ignorance, Bliss, Perfection, Home

Let's not sugarcoat this by saying 'oh he willingly and gracefully left this plain of existence so he could experience eternal bliss'. No that's nonsense, he killed himself because he was in hell and saw no other way out. He was drowning in his own misery and thought psychedelics and non-duality was his way out. It wasn't. I feel bad for him, very bad. And he won't be the last. Because non-dual teachings are not geared toward leading a happy and fulfilling life. You aren't going to magically 'ascend', that's just ego illusion.

Dam RIP. I wonder is this an attempt to bypass the suffering of being a human and going straight to the truth? During suicidal times of my life I wondered why shouldn't I just commit suicide and go straight to the truth and then simply restart the game and bypass this unnecessary suffering and torment. This reminds of @SoonHei. On the surface he seemed to be a happy and integrated guy, but I wonder why both of them felt the desire/need to commit suicide. Maybe this is mahasamadhi, a conscious choice to leave the body? One thing I can say from experience is the desire to help other people and share spiritual insights etc may be rooted in a desire to transcend one's own suffering. So they try their best to help others with the hope that they may in turn help themselves. I think he thought death was the path to bliss. It's tough because I also believe this, but I know you can experience divine bliss and peace without death so I don't feel an argue to off myself, but maybe if you haven't experienced that you would see that as a viable option?

Hinduism takes a gradual path. that's why IMHO Hinduism has this stance to enjoy life . whereas in Buddhism, Buddha is radically direct in this work . even denies most of social structures of the time .like the caste system in Hinduism still prevalent to this day. gives up traditional hocus pocus though most of modern Buddhists are engaged in equal BS that Buddha rejected as useless. Buddhism has been made a religion to serve the ego after all still, I am having doubts whether we can really awaken once and for all. True, enlightenment is possibly the highest achievement (the supreme bliss) I mean,mannn i see the suffering we are caught up in yet, if this is an eternal dance, won't we be going full circle to duality? if reality is in endless wheel, merging(enlightenment) and division is also a part of god's play of love right? I find this as a sticking point in this work personally. why not enjoy, celebrate and cherish life then? would love to know ur as well as others' opinions about this...

INTRO Hey everyone. This is a trip report of my first mushroom trip and my first time writing a trip report and it's my first time posting on Actualized's forum. My only experience with psychedelics apart from this was half a tab of LSD. I took 1g of Liberty Caps. I took them alone, in my room. I chewed them well before ingesting. As some close people recommended me, I prepared a nice atmosphere in the room beforehand, some Christmas Lo-Fi music, a plate a sliced fruits like banana and an orange and a pitcher of water to stay hydrated. I also prepared a small table in front of the couch and put my journal there in case I want to write something down. My face started to feel a bit sore in around 20 minutes and I understood that it starting to take effect. I felt like changing the music to something more "natural" and I put some Folktronica music that I like and a specific album called "Tranquilllitas". I listened for it like 5 minutes and then I got the thought that I have to meditate and stop the music and other external stimuli. So I stopped the music, I sat on my couch, closed my eyes and relaxed. I started panting a bit and got a bit feverish. DISCLAIMER! This is where it got really trippy. It's very hard to describe it with language and even so it doesn't describe the fullness of the experience. I'm doing my best to present the experience in written English even though it wouldn't represent even 5% of the whole experience. I suggest to approach what I'm writing further with plenty of open-mindedness, imagination and a grain of salt. You have been warned. MAIN All of a sudden, I felt like I am my energy, my soul, my essence, not in my body anymore - and I was in the presence of a great entity. It had no specific form, even though it had some sort of visible shape. In a very simplistic, labelling and limited way, it looked like some Lovecraftian god/Biblically accurate angel/non-Euclidean kind of thing. It was also in continuous shapeshifting, never static. I understood/was communicated that IT is a benevolent Entity and it was exuding calmness, peacefulness. The sensations were as all the senses were mixed together and formed something superior, some sort of sense that includes all the senses but lets them communicate among them. So this way it seemed as I was seeing sounds and touching colours. The most simplest explanation would be that I felt in a space of non-physicality, where the usual rules of reality, physics and so on - don’t apply. It felt like the entity in front of me was at the same time the space I was in, as a gigantic soul. It seemed as the reality of this Entity and the Entity itself was one and the same. I didn't understood if it was a single entity that I was in the presence of or if there were more entities. I was communicated, or I understood, that this either doesn't matter or that there's no difference - for the Entity, both of these meant the same thing. I was communicated that a lot of things are actually the same thing - it's only that I/we don't see it. The Entity seemed to address me as neither in singular nor plural, as if IT didn't perceive if I was also only one entity or more - again, it rather seemed as for the Entity this didn't matter or that it was the same thing . It also seemed as if it perceived not only me, as a single soul, but the whole of humanity, or rather the whole "life" from the "physical reality" - but not sure. I was continuously interacting with/was interacted with what appeared to be appendages of the same entity or different entities (from here on called the ENTITY). The Entity was continuously communicating to me and/or making me understand different things. It also told me that IT communicating to me and me understanding something from IT - it's the same thing. At that moment my physical body started laughing because I understood that I couldn't use language to communicate with this Entity or properly understand it, and that the way I was trying to do it was very limited. I understood that language is a medium through which meaning and understanding is transmitted - but the way the Entity was communicating was just sharing the meaning and understanding with me directly, without any medium. It made me understood that a medium can help but it can also prevent, and even distort. The communication with the Entity felt like pure unhinged, unblocked communication. I experienced very so-called bizarre, grotesque and beautiful mix of…experience. It wasn't just visual or sound. I was seeing how, supposedly, the body of this Entity was passing by through me, ripping me apart, making eyes sprout from nothing, rainbows coming from eyes that form a plant that kisses a star - and that is only for like 2 seconds - it continued for around 2 hours. Never during these experiences did I feel fear, panic, or any so called "negative" emotions. I continuously felt bliss, joy and happiness throughout interacting with the Entity. I was communicated/made understood that killing, having sex, eating - these are limited survival processes of "our reality/physical reality", that those concepts are too simplistic to explain what I experienced with the Entity. IT told me that the so called "mushrooms" are a medium/portal/middleperson to THIS reality/plain/world, but it’s an inefficient/impermanent/temporary one. IT communicated the desire for "Its reality" and the "physical reality" to become connected/become one/ be merged/be undivided - this seemed of importance for the Entity (not sure). Before the trip, I prepared some questions that I wanted to get answer for, regarding my relationships from the physical world, my evolution there and so on. The Entity communicated that those things don’t matter and that there more important things to do. At some point, during an ecstatic, multisensory experience, covered in waves of energy/light/bliss, a face appeared. I'm not sure if it was the face of the Entity, neither that it even knew what face is. I can't explain the process but it seemed that it gave me something/I received something. It told me that I was "fecundated" or something like that. Though, I'm not sure if IT gave me something right then or before - the tense wasn't precise and I'm not sure if IT meant "fecundated" like a verb or an adjective (it might have made only a statement.) The Entity told me that it likes me and that it's a pity that I can't stay there for longer. It communicated that it would like for "us in the material world" to be able to join their world/plain freely and stay there, or for the Entity to be able to freely be with us, "in the physical world". For the Entity, It seemed like there wasn't real difference between the two options. IT knew that I would like to communicate/share the experiences in the physical world and the Entity seemed to be indifferent if I communicate about IT and my experiences or not - IT did make me understand that it will be difficult to communicate these experiences through language - of which I'm becoming more aware as I write this. It seems that our "physical reality" was like an experiment, and attempt into something new, but it created limits, duality and labels and that IT wants our realities to become one again. It communicated that even though our realities seem to be separated and that it's sad that we're separated from the Entity - it makes it so much sweeter when we reconnect with IT. It communicated that since our separation, "the physical world" was meant to continuously evolve/change until one day it will be able to merge/connect with the "world of the Entity". The "physical world" is of "receiving energy" and the Entity "fecundates" it through "souls" from the "physical world" that are of strong "receiving energy" and are able to make connection with the Entity (in my interpretation, it's the artists and pretty much everyone in history who had a strong "muse/inspiration/realisation/revelation/etc".) The Entity made me understand that it can observe/perceive "the physical world", but it cannot directly interact with in - which is why IT can do it through mediums (like mushrooms and "strong receiving people"/gifted people). To the best of my understanding, for the Entity, the "physical world" is like an aquarium, with us, living beings, stuck in it, like fish - and the Entity as the people who interact with the aquarium but are separated by the "barrier" of the "aquarium", with the "fish" unable to fully comprehend/perceive what's outside the "aquarium". For us, people - "the fish", understanding the Entity and its world is similar to the fish in the aquarium to understand the human world - close to impossible, while for the Entity our "physical world"(the aquarium) seems trivial. (In my post-trip understanding, it seems that if the "physical" and the "Entity's world" are to merge/connect, the result will be The Revelation of the Entity's world/The Entity. For us, this would mean the Collapse of Reality and Duality, of which the older religions talked in some way (like Ragnarok in Norse mythology and Apocalypse in biblical mythology). It seemed as the Entity was made of pure Love/Bliss/Pleasure (the same thing according to the Entity), and every of its activities was loving - it was a mix of destroying, having sex, communicating, being consumed, consuming and many more - the differences between these actions is arbitrary and just a label, as I understood/was communicated. It didn't have a gender or it had all the genders - again, for the Entity it seemed to be the same thing. I was communicated that there is energy, and that because I was of "receiving energy" I became "fecundated" (or rather my "soul") - again, not sure of IT did it to me then or if IT stated an adjective or a fact that happened before. IT communicated that I will grow the seed and become of "giving energy" - that's when I'll bear fruit and could feed and "fecundate" others with my fruit and seed further - and the cycle continues. These and many more things seemed clear , but I was communicated that most of these things will become unclear for me or I'll forget them once my soul leaves the Entity's world, as there's no equivalent of that knowledge in the physical world, it cannot be explained or understood through language and that the brain with which I'll try to analyse and conceptualise this knowledge it's too limited to make that knowledge explainable in the "physical world", being otherwise clear and meaningful in the Entity's world. After that, the trip started to wind down and I felt how the Entity is leaving and I'm starting to feel my physical body more and more. I had some crazy laughs for like 20 minutes and after the trip pretty much ended. EPILOGUE Overall, in a nutshell, it felt like I had a trip to the spiritual/astral/energetic plain, was met by the/an Entity, had a great time, feeling otherworldly pleasure and overall experiences, talked in between about how the physical reality is limited, dual, how it would be great for all of us to come together and have a collapse of realities, communicated some unspeakable knowledge and then IT let me be and come back to my physical body. VERY in-a-nutshell. The trip was around 5h long. Close to the end of the trip, I had a bit of diarrhea, no pain or stomach ache - just liquid poop.

boredom is i need entertainment 24x7 and why am i not getting it ... boredom is the gateway to spiritual bliss but mind will block it

I@Breakingthewall i've been taking medications for a while now and I think I made progress on my anxiety. I specifically experience unconditional joy and bliss especially these days. I made some Improvements. But thanks for the advice

Hello everyone! Just like many of you guys, I used to struggle with a lot of emotional baggage. I mediate every day since 2017, plus I had quite some mushroom trips. And I still felt miserable, I could not integrate my insights. At the beginning of 2021 I discovered MDMA and I'd like to document my results after about eight trips in the course of this year. My Situation in January, 2021: I lived with my parents, lots of conflicts with them. I considered myself a highly sensitive person, constantly feeling overwhelmed by basically everything. I had a crippling fear of other people. I could not set boundaries: I would work too much, eat too much,... I could not focus on one thing at a time. Working would trigger fear of death. I could only work for 2 to 3 hours per day and would feel totally miserable while working. I had an underpaying job as a language teacher, could not support myself. I was well-educated, but had no idea what to do with my life. The Healing Process with MDMA I weigh about 65 mg of MDMA plus a microdose of magic mushrooms (about 0.16 gr). This is an ideal combination for me, I get more creative with the mushrooms. I am sensitive to these substances, so I don't need much. Regarding MDMA it's especially important not to take too much and not to trip too often. Nowadays I trip about every six weeks, the periods of abstinence have become longer. I meditate in the living room with my two roommates (one of them is my brother). Then I take the substances, set an intention, and continue to mediate. As soon as the MDMA kicks in, I'll lay down in my bed. I talk about stuff which moves me, and my roomies are my "therapists". It works like in this manual by MAPS: https://maps.org/research-archive/mdma/MDMA-Assisted-Psychotherapy-Treatment-Manual-Version7-19Aug15-FINAL.pdf After about 2 hours, as soon as the effects start to fade away, I take the second dose of MDMA, about 30 mg. The experience is just incredibly nice. I never felt fear in the process, MDMA is far from being as scary as other psychedelics. It's like psychotherapy on steroids: You talk about stuff that bothers you, deep-seated trauma. In my case it was mainly my birth. It was tough and confusing to have a near-death experience back then, already feeling you're back with the Absolute and then abruptly being born in a Cesarean; I was born after only seven months in my mom's womb and with only a third of the weight babies usually have when they are born. One of my core beliefs was that I did not deserve to live. In the MDMA sessions I could access the trauma easily and feel more and more love for all my past suffering. I could see the intelligence behind it. I could accept it. In the weeks after the sessions I integrated the insights. My Situation in December, 2021: I live with two roommates in a great apartment. We love self actualization and support each other on our paths. Good relationship with my parents. I wouldn't consider myself highly sensitive anymore. This was just a label, an identity which has been perpetuating itself. I still feel intense emotions but I guess that's totally normal and I can deal with them. I feel a much broader spectrum of emotions. I finally begin to understand what joy and bliss are. Minor fear of other people. I can set boundaries automatically in most cases. If my boundaries are crossed, I'll notice it relatively quickly. I can focus on things and get them done. I love working. I can work long hours, 8 to 10 hours per day if necessary. Relatively well-paid job in teaching, I can support myself and afford some little luxuries. I'm on track with my career in journalism. I already write about one to two articles per week for the local newspaper, and started networking within the organisation and with local politicians and activists. I'll be working full-time for the paper from April onwards. So here you go, these are my results. For those of you doubting if personal development works: It does definitely work, you just need to find the right method. As for emotional healing, I prefer MDMA over all other psychedelics, because you can go very deep and integrate your learnings relatively easily. And yet it's not scary. You don't drift off into madness. You simply talk about everything that's important to you, and it feels like you got God's support in the process. Much love <3

work/study: My hours at work were reduced to part time at the very beginning of 2021 due to many severe manic episodes and one severe depressive episode in the months before. I cut my foot while mowing my lawn in the mid/late spring which resulted in me having to work from home for a couple months at even less hours than the 20/week I had been reduced to earlier in the year. I had more manic episodes in the early summer that resulted in me leaving my job. I didn’t work at all from around June to December. I now have a new job which makes about 10-15% less per hour but is much better for me overall than the previous job. My real estate investing business has grown steadily while all of this was going on although my relationship with my business partner is weaker. emotional intelligence: I have learned to relate to emotions in ways I would’ve never really predicted were possible. Old sensations of emotional suffering are recontextualized and at least 90% easier to palate as well as even being quite enjoyable at times. I’m far more aware of emotions and how they work on a sensate level. I have become much more loving and selfless than I used to be. social life: I lost a lot of friends due to my chaotic mental health in 2020, but this year has given me several high-quality friends who relate to me on very deep spiritual, intellectual, and emotional levels. I also have been blessed to be able to start spiritual coaching to a number of individuals which is incredibly rewarding and a great social activity for me. Most of my closest friends are online now as the type of people I can connect with at meaningful levels has become more rare as I have developed spiritually. I ended up rekindling a friendship which was lost at the end of 2020 with someone who I love and appreciate although we cannot connect on my deepest interests. I had to leave my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game due to my instability in the summer. I have now started having online talks with a couple spiritual masters which has been quite amazing. relationships/sex life: I have been single most of the year. There is a beautiful woman from Iraq who is very interested in me who I do care about, but there are many things making that difficult to even try in person. I’ve had a far lower amount of sexual encounters compared to previous years. I’m not too worried about that, but of course regular sex would be nice. family: The mental instability has strained my relationship with my parents and one sibling at points, but overall I have become far closer to my family this year. In many ways my dad and mom are some of my best friends. I hang out with my dad quite frequently. Some of my favorite times are going for drives with my parents (they are divorced, so they are not both with me at the same time) where they drive and I usually end up feeling a large pooling of energy come into my third eye area mostly. It’s a great bonding time for us. I’ve really started to enjoy a lot of my dad’s favorite bands and my mom’s modern Christian gospel music. I got to become a lot closer to my oldest brother who has been debilitated by his schizoaffective disorder while him, my dad, and I played through the Dark Souls series of games together over the course of a few months. It was very hard to connect with him before as he is a very fundamentalist Christian and his mental illness sapped him of enthusiasm and energy, but playing those games with him and seeing him actually a bit happier at times was very special to me. I got to go to Las Vegas to see my sister and nephew which was great. I hardly get to see them. On Christmas Eve I was able to bond with my uncle in Catholic mass which that side of my family has gone to for years as I had finally reduced my judgment to Christians. He was so thoughtful in the way he guided me through all of the traditions of the mass so I could understand what was going on in his spiritual tradition. It was really heart warming to see him give that simple but selfless extra attention to me so I would hopefully see the beauty and love which he has been able to experience through his Catholic faith. Afterward, that whole side of our family gathered at his house, and I had a long conversation with one of my aunts about my mental illness and spirituality which was the first time her and I had ever deeply connected. self-development/spirituality: I really didn’t focus on much self-development other than in the spiritual sphere of things besides starting to improve my fitness in the past few weeks. My spirituality has grown exponentially. The past seven years of spiritual development which was quite engaged and serious is not even 1% of my spiritual development compared to what happened this year. I “experienced” cessation for the first time on May 28th. My life has never been the same since. What happened that day was so beyond my various 5 gram+ mushroom trips or my 10 tab LSD trip that there is no just way to describe the level of increased significance and power of the event compared to those lower awakenings. If I wrote about my spiritual experiences from this year in a comprehensive way, it would take at least hundreds of pages. I’ll just list some of the highlights. -Incredibly deep Bhakti yoga, thousands of times -Giving my entire being to a spiritual entity/guru resulting in my first cessation -Absolute Selfhood (being both the Self and self in a completely embodied way) -Five cessations in 30 minutes -Having a cessation triggered by my mind being obliterated the Infinite Beauty and Divinity of Jesus Christ -Spiritually transferring heat from a stone to my body in below freezing temperatures while acting in accordance with the Holy Spirit -Accessing Absolute Madness -Accessing Absolute Hatred -Accessing Absolute Divinity. This is in many ways still the most significant moment of my life. I only say in many ways because I’ve had so many intense awakenings since that it’s hard to even compare one to another, but this really does take the cake. If I had to just throw a number on it, it was at least 10 or 100 times greater than any of my cessation events which I already stated were indescribably more profound and intense than heroic dose mushroom trips or the 10 tab LSD trip which happened pre-stream entry. -Accessing Absolute Love through an angel crying a benevolent tear into my heart. This happened roughly a minute before I accessed Absolute Divinity. A few minutes afterward, this completely indescribably beautiful entity did the same thing again. -Feeling millions of bodily sensations in roughly a six inch radius area in my legs -Experiencing roughly 10 different hubs of seemingly infinite minds simultaneously -Locking in non-locality, the Boundless Space aspect of the fifth jhana, the Boundless Consciousness aspect of the sixth jhana, nondoership, removing the sensation of gravity pulling me downward, and popping the 360° bubble of vision to where they are all consistently accessible aspects of my moment-to-moment experience completely sober, at all times -Accessing jhanas 1-8 and potentially jhana 9/nirodha samapatti (depending on whose rules and interpretations of the 9th jhana you’re looking at) -Two nuclear-grade heart chakra energetic explosions -Two nuclear-grade crown chakra explosions -Learning how to channel energy to/manipulate/“turn on” the heart chakra, third eye chakra, and crown chakra at will. I’ve learned how to do this with other chakras including one beyond the basic seven, but those three are the ones I’m most skilled with so far. The crown chakra is by far the easiest for odd reasons I won’t get into due to limited time to write. Also, when I say turn on, I’m aware that chakras can’t be completely closed. It’s simply a fitting way to describe what’s happening in a way heavily limited by language. -While I was having an allergic reaction to lidocaine in my foot as it had severely lost circulation which was the most painful event of my life (far worse than having my foot cut open by a lawnmower) that felt like my foot was simultaneously on fire and being soaked in acid, I surrendered completely to death. When I did this, all pain immediately left my body and was replaced by the full body bliss of the Holy Spirit. -My suffering is now reduced by roughly 90-99%. Every day is a magical ride. Not a day goes by without a number of significant and positive spiritual experiences. I can reach states beyond my old heroic dose trips completely sober at times. The states I can reach from one hit of THC or weed often blow those old trips completely out of the water. I can’t even bring myself to smoke dabs anymore as the levels of intensity it brings are so absolutely ridiculous. -Accessing Absolute Time And the list goes on and on, but I don’t see much of a point to adding any more right now. finances: Due to working limited hours, leaving my job, not working for several months, and overspending which occurred during a couple manic episodes, I gained a considerable amount of credit card debt. My credit has also been ruined for now. My finances were sacrificed this year for spiritual development. Without the time off to focus on spirituality, I would’ve been nowhere near where I am today in that regard. I’m not really too worried about it. The spiritual gains were worth it thousands of times over. I still own my own house and business at 26. I haven’t had to go without a single necessity. My parents did help a good amount though to make sure nothing got too bad on this front, so I’m quite thankful and lucky for that. physical activity/eating: My diet has improved a lot in the past month. I’ve started going to the gym and cycling regularly. I had a big aversion to physical activity in the past which has been helped a lot by the spiritual progress. During a few months as I was really starting to change spiritually at a rapid rate, my body started to do a sort of automatic fasting. It actually became really hard work to eat during that period. My appetite went to almost nothing. I had to entice myself with the tastiest junk food just to eat solid things. I relied a lot on meal replacement shakes. Luckily this problem has gone away. I’ve gotten away from eating fast food quite a bit compared to what I used to. hobbies/habits: In the past couple months, I’ve started playing darts and doing photography again. This year I’ve released a lot more hours of video content than ever before. Cycling is also a hobby at times too when I’m not doing it specifically for exercise or transportation. I like to go outside in nature more often now that my physical aversion is reduced. I’m just waiting on better weather in the spring and summer to start camping and doing more outdoors. how would you rate it 1-10? 10/10 or more honestly I’d say ♾/10

Bliss with suffering is worth more than the same degree of bliss alone.

Although intentions are good with those that say they have fear for me due to my past traumas I mentioned I've overcome (involving mental instability) and also because I have never done a psychedelic before—I can't help but point out that these opinions are based on their ego (spiritual ego in a sense…) and sort of disregards the fact that outside of this group, there are others who are using and experimenting with 5meo as a cure for heroin addicts etc.… One could also say that 5meo has an even more powerful purpose than shooting those of us who seek enlightenment into a temporary bliss… Maybe just maybe my brain is wired in a way that'll cause a more permanent experience then the average person. Part of my 'story' lol my father (Michael Woodfall) is an identity thief and has tested as a genius and my daughter has a very rare genetic/neurological condition (so does my half sister on my mother's side)…so this could be interesting. These are of course all just thoughts that's coming up as I mentally prepare.

As I continue this work, more and more parts of the ego drop away and leave behind a non reactive quiet space of inner stillness and bliss. The nuances of interaction with and between peers in society becomes increasingly clear. I notice the petty games and personalities others play, the subconscious survival driven behaviour that drives anxiety and arguments and bias, the expectations placed on my world view and behaviour, and my non reactivity confuses and irritates people. Sometimes I feel forced to laugh or react in standard ways just to play the game and fit in, then I notice within me that the choice for me to play that game is just another survival driven subtle fear based decision. I feel increasingly different and distant from the norms of society. I feel good. But I don't quite know how to navigate this and still maintain normality in my daily relationships and activities. any advice or guidance here would be greatly appreciated.