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  2. Slept at 00:00. Woke up in the middle of the night just now. It's 02:23 now. For a long time I've been having problems with emotional blunting. In general I've been seeing a few more sparks of emotion. Especially listening to nostalgic pieces of music I haven't heard in a long time. The anime durarara holds a special place in my heart for me, and some of the music tracks just remind me of emotion I haven't felt much of in a long time. And alongside the feeling of more emotion, which is ultimately a good, I'm becoming more emotionally turbulent as well. And I don't know what to make of my life. But certain things about my mind are becoming clear to me and I like that. One of those things is my wistful and nostalgic nature. I wish I could be free of my psychological, biological limitations. I wish I could know joy, or I fantasise about being super competent at various things. And then I get depressed, that I'm just boring old me. But on the other hand, there's a weird ecstasy and emotional high to my feelings of longing. Maybe if I had a better vocabulary I could come up with better words to describe how I feel. I think this track does a better job though. By nature I'm a deeply emotional and feeling person, but I've suppressed a lot of that. At least it's coming up more now though. And it feels good that it comes up I suppose. I'm thankful that after much thrashing around in the dark, I've been shown at least this much again now. I think I've decided then. It's time to start weaning off my anti depressants to overcome emotional blunting. Since that's a side effect of them. I'll probably become a cry baby again, but I can see it's the right way forward.
  3. hahaha! Yes! He was one of the first ones I read, maybe I have to give it a second lectura. I want to read the whole trilogy. Spiritual Enlightenment, the Damnedest Thing Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment and Spiritual Warfare He has a forum around there, but... some people say is not him. If you are interested I can send you the link. There's a lot of controversy about who he really is and what he does and doesn't... I really don't pay too much attention, I just follow my intuition. I think the guy in that forum is really him... (but I am openminded to the fact that maybe is not... )
  4. Maybe in the video about the dark side of meditation? I have to watch it again...
  5. Fear cannot be overcome. Fear is false evidence appearing real. Fear is, according to some guru, not even real. So you just need to either ignore it or just do the things you want.
  6. For the A/B test to be easy, there needs to be a lot of shadow material already processed. The ego is filled with fear and protection so there is a lot of trapped energy which can come out as anger and other ego expressions. And with too much shadow material remaining the ego can't dare to let go of its control, such as self-control and manipulation tactics etc. Another way to approach it when lots of shadow material still remains is to do the A/B test gradually, starting with small and to the ego insignificant situations where the ego feels safe to let go of personal control.
  7. @KingCrimson - Damn I was literally about to post that "systems thinking" speech !
  8. Can't say I'm with you this one boss. Only stuff I've seen being canceled is people being filmed going on racist rants in public. When it gets out of hand it gets out of hand but I haven't seen that happen except a few fringe examples the alt right uses. For the most part it's been pretty understandable. JK rowling has been under fire lately cause she has been quite transphobic on twitter. I wonder if that played a part in her decision.
  9. @Marten Yup, that's smart! Maybe you can go as high as 40 or 45, but a breakthrough is possible as low as 25 if smoked really efficiently. I did back to back doses of 50mg, and the first one didn't hit at all. I figured I burned it... The second time I nailed the vaping and I suspect I got around 75mg in one hit. It was LITERAL DEATH. The elves all shouted hurray, you did it, you finished the game. Everything exploded in fireworks and I was torn to shreds. I entered the void and my ego was shattered like a thousand hammers breaking glass into tiny pieces. At this point in my work, I was NOT READY for this kind of death, didn't know how to let go fully, and it happened so fast that I had no idea what was going on. It felt like I was in the void for an eternity. I didn't know my name, that I had taken a drug, or that I was a human. When I landed, I felt like a beaten dog. I literally had a kind of PTSD from this event for a long time. All of this is to say that being careful and taking it slow is really crucial for your health and your journey.
  10. Doing more cross references. Took a couple courses along with actualized, and definitely think I’m more determined to do certain things. Seeing how you can develope more Hybrid thinking by cross referencing to think more clearly in terms of what you’ve already heard.
  11. I wonder if all sorts of sociopathic behavior would be considered traditional red according to a stringent interpretation of graves' model. Thing is a lot of ceos are quite sociopathic and orange. Also in the movie Flecher gives a fairly stage blue explanation why he is such a dick. We never really learn so much about his character. He clearly has some serious issues and the movie sort of walks the line pretty equally in why he acts the way he does. Him doing it out of principle vs him doing it b/c he's a fucking dick. It's almost a mixture of the two where he is willing to literally do ANYTHING out of his principle to create a new legendary musician. I think he is more blue/orange tbh but a complete and total asshole of a person.
  12. The pain of derealization/depersonalization can lead to Solipsism Syndrome, and it just ego backlash. I think Leo has a video on that.
  13. Kratom powder is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my entire life! I simply can not believe how bad the taste is. Anyways, time to dissolve.
  14. Hmm, interesting assessment. I am definitely dominantly introverted, have a lot of Ne, and use Si. For a while, I was debating between infp and intp, but the more I researched, the more I realized that I am def Fi dominant. You may have confused me with intj though because I have been developing my Te a lot and have gotten pretty good at tapping into that function as needed. I could be wrong though, I am by no means an mbti expert. I am curious to know what other things could have let to that conclusion
  15. Today
  16. I suspect that the circumstances surrounding one’s physical death may play a role too. For example, I think a person who commits suicide may accumulate some karma that may not necessarily be positive. I think I also heard a teacher say that if you die consciously, you don’t reincarnate as you merge and become one with God.
  17. When you're close to passing out part of your vision starts to black out and when you close your eyes it's sort of reversed as bright light. Funny how we have two eyes but see one fields of vision, we make up for blind spots and our visual field doesn't end, it's endless, we imagine it ends. If we look for the edges where it fades out, you just chose a new focus. You'll never find the edges of sight, just like infinity. You'd think that living our whole lives we'd notice or think about this at some point but we haven't. Lived our whole lives.
  18. If a girl ain't blonde she ain't a girl. Thats how I see it. Lol jk. But that's really how I kinda see it tho lol.. I feel incredibly attracted to blonde women that any other woman couldn't be considered a woman even if she is beautiful when compared to a beautiful blonde woman. But that might be weird for you right? Because we all different. It's obvious why people don't get that lol? So to say what "girls" want in a guy is a wrong question.. Because every girl is different.. Some girls like handsome young guys (maybe teen girls). Some girls like macho alpha men (maybe women in their 30s or 40s). Some like nice guys.. Some like bad boys.. Etc. Just like guys are different in their sexual preferences and etc.
  19. Hello all! Been busy for the past month, am working on some unique practices with my tulpa, and other projects for some other parts of life. I hoped you've done some of the exercises in section two: developing your mind's ear. I've done most of the exercises in formal meditation, but also while going through my day. I could cycle through songs and include natural sounds, and conjure up sounds of thunder and rain. Let's move on to section three: developing your mind's skin. We've all had some experiences with meditation, spiritual practices, visualization practices before, we've encountered at some point, especially when we imagine ourselves in a location, encounter some problem when we're trying to use our mind's eye to locate our 'body' in our 'mindscape'. Funny thing is when we try to interact with objects and travel/motion towards mental locations, because our mind is very picky with the body we have currently and the remembered somatic/auditory/visual experiences of our real body growing up, we end up struggling to fully immerse ourselves into a visualized location/mindscape. Much of the somatic memories our minds have is filtered through our real body's skin, which the brain collects as information towards our mind's ability to separate my body/others' bodies/objects/surroundings. Spiritual traditions like Daoism, with their methods like chi gong, tai chi, microcosmic orbit system, standing postures, and more, make use of external/internal somatic experiences of the mind's skin to do their energy/spirit work. Also, Hatha, Kriya, karma, and kundalini yoga, done properly, make use of mainly the mind's skin for energy/spirit work. Paranormal phenomena can involve the mind's skin, like the ability to 'sense presences', 'feel an emotion', 'feel a raise/drop-in temperature' of spirits, and ghosts in the room, aka goosebumps/chills down your spine. Demons/archdemons and deities channeled into the room have this 'heat', and 'heaviness' feeling in your mind's skin, while angels feel the opposite. Contacting entities from other realms or galaxies have this 'alien' feel, and various healing energies, and other energies could be felt. If you're interested in developing your tulpa, then having a well-developed mind's skin is great for when you want to interact somatically with your tulpa in a mindscape, or when you super-impose that tulpa to your physical location, you can then feel their touch onto your skin, or guide your hand while auto writing, whether it's real-time or while visualizing. In my opinion, this is perhaps the most rewarding experience in this field, because if seeing and hearing a mental entity isn't enough to geek you out, then wait for when the interaction includes feeling. If you're not interested, then the effort is not wasteful. You can experience more detailed, somatic experiences in your visualization, say, the texture and pressure of your pencil, as you draw a sketch for your dream house in your mind, or doing mental rehearsals on martial arts, sparring an opponent, and simply walking on a sunny beach, feeling the warmth and coolness of the breeze. If you're struggling to develop your mind's skin, then start doing isolation training on what aspect of that somatic experience that you're having difficulty in. I recommend some somatic exercises like yoga, chi gong, fitness, martial arts, dancing, and other practices like these to pick up as a hobby, and then remembering what those felt like, what pressures and textures you felt. Be specific. I've written instructions on the original post, so here are some changes: if you can do 5-10 minutes, increase by 5 minutes for each exercise (or 1 if you're really struggling), and please feel free to add another exercise appropriate to what you're working on, in this case, it's relevant to the skin. However, if you wish, go multi-sensory on some exercises, but beware that you won't progress slightly faster than another that uses deliberate practice on each element of visualization. Exercise 1: Standing feet. Begin after a meditation session. Shift your attention, eyes closed, to a place you're familiar with. In this memory, bring to mind what it feels like beneath your feet, the texture of the ground, and the weight of your body. Try as best as you can to remember every detail of those feelings. Exercise 2: Walking on the beach. Begin after a meditation session. With eyes closed, bring to mind a beach you visited and walked through. Remember every sensation beneath your feet, and how much pressure is shifted from foot to foot. Exercise 3: Body flows. Begin after a meditation session. If you've done some chi-gong, or not, bring to mind your body's position. Commence with your practices, and pay attention to how the air feels against your flowing body, how you shift your balance, from movement to movement, from head to arms and legs. Exercise 4: contact points. Begin after a meditation session. Pay attention to areas of your body that contact parts of your skin, when skin overlaps with skin if that makes sense. Now bring to mind how your clothes feel on your body. Later on the day or next day, in your mindscape, bring to mind yesterdays' clothes and contact points that you've felt. Exercise 5: touching hands: Begin after a meditation session. In a mental room, imagine sitting there, and you see some floating hands, like yours. Pay attention to how it feels when a hand rubs, back and forth, along your arm, Repeat this cycle 5 times on the arms, then the legs, then the entire torso and head. Notice the coldness/warmth and texture of those hands on your body. Exercise 6: blindfolded fight. Begin after a meditation session. If you've done dances, fitness exercises, or martial arts training or any combative movements, first bring to mind what textures, pressures, and force felt, tension or looseness, you can remember. Now bring to mind a mindscape of some training ground and you see your partner. Your partner could be a human, a beast, an alien, a demon, an angel, or whatever you want to spar with. The sparring session could be about dancing, wrestling, or judo, or aikido, or Jiujitsu, or wing Chun sticking hands, or Tai chi's push hands. Place your hands on theirs, or an arm, shoulder, or lower torso. Notice changes in textures, pressures, and tensions as you are mindful of those feelings. Exercise 7: Take a shower/bath. Begin after a meditation session. Imagine taking a shower/bath, with whatever types of oils, soaps, and scented candles you use for yourself. That's it for this week. In conclusion, not only is training your mind's skin important for feeling to your Tulpa's touch, but it also trains your ability to recall memories of different somatic experiences you've had. Also, this training may develop your mental body, to the point you could become more creative with movements. Developing your visualization skills will allow you to keep making further distinctions with each element of that visualization you're developing. Keep going, until eventually that vast difference between external and internal sensations become more and more similar until you reach realistic levels of depiction. Have a good month, hoped these exercises are simple and enjoyable, and never forget; Destiny is ALL!
  20. @Zigzag Idiot thanks guy. I appreciate your presence as well. Love your journal. I do read it sometimes. You do in depth studies.
  21. Testing the idea that reality has more power and intelligence than the ego which is in a deluded state can be done by pretending to not be the ego. So when interacting with people and situations, the trick is to not do anything and let life happen automatically. That is still the ego choosing to not use willpower, choice or action. It's like an A/B test. Situation A is the ordinary ego actions, and B is actions without free will. If A is the true way life works, then the practice of moving into B will fail. And if B is the true situation, then A will diminish and B become more and more one's experience. In this way, if B is the correct situation, then the ego dissolves along with the move from A to B.
  22. I agree about the ebb and flow of energy. People in general do have a tendency to feed on negative energy. I catch myself falling into it in an automatic way at times. I'm off and on, regarding visiting the general forum regularly but I think it's gotten better overall since joining back in December 2018. Some sharp cookies have shown up lately ,,, I thought,, @Preety_India I appreciate your presence here,,,
  23. If you see life as a journey, that's good. You concentrate on the present moment, not the destination or the final goal.
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