Raptorsin7

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  1. I will not give up. I'm not going out like this. I will not die a loser. I will figure this out, I will find happiness, i will get more out of life. I will find the dream life i've been seeking for my entire life. This will not be the end of me. Mark my words, one day i will solve this. One day i will end the seeking, and finally enjoy and cherish this life.
  2. @Pramit Yeah i've been loving listening to this kind of music. I don't even know what genre it is haha, to me it's just relaxing Japanese music.
  3. I want to take some time to write about my dream life. What would my life look like if everything was working for me, i was happy, and i lived a dream heaven like life. This is my dream life, what what it look like, what would it contain. I would be an open and honest person. I would be as loving as kind as possible to those people around me, and i would attract an incredible relationships with people who i meet. I would be humble, kind, and form strong friendships with people in my life. I would be full of energy. I would wake up feeling energized and motivated. I would be in love with life. I would love everyone and everything. Life would be a miracle everyday. Everyday i'd be grateful to be alive, and i would be excited for what the days holds for me. I would feel healthy, strong, motivated, and clarity. I would have a clear purpose and a goal i was trying to actively solve in my life. I would be working on something bigger than myself, and working towards a higher goal that i would be proud to be part of. I would have a clear sense of doing good in the world, and i'd be happy and responsible working. One thing i've realized writing this is i have no idea really what my dream life would look like. Even if i had unlimited power i guess it's not so easy to plan out your dream life that easily. Honestly, i don't think it's about having some dream heaven like image of life. I think it's more about how you live your life and the intangible qualities that make up a good life. Like if i woke up feeling inspired, and my life had a dream like quality of spontaneity and adventure then i bet i'd be happy with that. I wonder how many other people struggle with similar questions about their lives, finding meaning, finding happiness. I know i'm not the only one, but i'd be curious to see numbers on this. It's hard for me to function, and if the entire world were like me then the world would fall apart quick. There are some strong people in the world to keep it running, that's for sure. I wonder when this dark night will pass. I wonder if i'll ever find lasting peace and happiness. At least i have all of this documented. It would be awesome to read this one day when i'm happy and living my dream life.
  4. The past few days i've been feeling pretty depressed again. There's a numbness to my experience, it's hard to describe. It's not like i'm super sad and want to cry, i just kinda feel flat and numb. No motivation. No drive. Life just kinda sucks, and it feels like i'm slowly dying. I did like 10 rounds of whim hoff breathing today but i didn't get an emotional release like i'd hoped for. There's an online breath workshop that you have to pay for, i think i'll look into that and hopefully i get something from it. The meditation is not really working for me at all, i just kind of sit in silence and try to breathe and feel sensations as they arise, and thoughts come and go. I don't know what exactly the goal is, like i had hoped that over time with meditation that i'd feel better in my meditation session like maybe some energy or clarity, and then that state or feeling would carry over into my life. But that's not what's happening. I'm just kinda laying down, closing my eyes, and getting up 20 or 30 minutes later feeling a bit more relaxed, but then i just continue my day and i'm still miserable. I haven't noticed any improvements from the RASA i think. It could be working subtly but at this point i'm not sure if it's working or not, granted i've only had 1 session so it could take multiple sessions before i notice an improvement. According to the book the 580s is when you enter thought free meditation sessions and significantly reduced mental activity. I'm really hoping this process works for me but right now it's pretty dark and i don't know. Even as i write this now i have slight tears in my eyes but i can't even bring myself to cry. I feel the tension and pressure in my head like always, and when i try to let go i feel the pressure kind of crack in my head but i have no idea what to make of that experience. Honestly, at this point it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel even though i still have hope. I've had roughly 5 months of happiness in the last 4 years, after i overcame my year long depression, and everything else has either been just a numb depression, or a feeling slightly better than depression but hoping to have a break through into happiness. The peak experience i had on LSD was amazing, but idk why they won't happen again to me. I wonder what life will be like when i die. It's possible that this life will continue to be these ups and downs, with no break through into genuine love and happiness, and if that's the case i can't help but wonder why the hell i'm even here. I know other people have lives much worse than mine, but it really sucks not being happy and being depressed and numb.
  5. Had my first session with Ramaji today and received my first RASA transmission. My initial LOC was 572, and I was told it will take about a year to get LOC 1000. I'm going to find out my Ennegram type and experiment with some different meditation types in between sessions. He also recommended I go and get a girlfriend which I thought was funny haha, it's something I've been thinking about, but i'm not really in a rush to get into a relationship. I do want to deal with my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life before I get serious about finding someone to be with but this could change. I don't want to put all my eggs into this basket. The RASA and coaching will likely be helpful, but I also need to play my part and do what I can to address my issues and make positive changes in my life.
  6. @LfcCharlie4 Ahh I see. My first session is tmrw, I'll let you know how it goes.
  7. @LfcCharlie4 Isn't it fair to say that you are only able to appreciate the profundity of THIS moment given where you're at LOC wise? Like if we rewind a year and you are back as a seeker prior to RASA etc, would your own advice resonate or be meaningful? Curious about your thoughts on this. It seems to me so much mom duality advice is dependent on the state of the person receiving advice. But maybe some wisdom transcends states?
  8. Still progressing league. Currently Plat 3, and the games don't feel too hard which is good. I expect to be diamond pretty soon, and from there it will be interesting to see how the level of competition jumps up. The way i'm playing is bad though. The idea of playing mindfully is not happening, I get tilted easily and I flame my teammates constantly. I'm climbing the ranks, but I don't feel like i'm improving noticeably or anything. It's more just a grind to improve and get games in. Well because I have noting else going on atm I will continue to climb and strive for my goal of challenger. When I hit my goal who knows what i'll do with it but at least i'll have something to show for the work I guess.
  9. @Serotoninluv What do you think of the slippery slope arguments about how the current sentiment regarding Confederate statues will end up with removal of something like mount Rushmore? Confederate statues goes hand in hand with slavery. Tough to argue in favor of the Confederate history without showing some disregard for the legacy of slavery. But isn't that also true of the founding fathers. At the end of the day the mountain glorifies slave holders and racists.
  10. @Arcangelo Yeah i get it. Idk, i don't think money can solve my problems. I think genuine financial freedom would be an improvement, but when i was in school i had unlimited money and didn't feel the slight shame of just living off my parents as a burn out, but it didn't make me happy at all.
  11. @Arcangelo No i'm not. What is the relationship between financial independence and chakras? I'm not financially in trouble because my family has money, but i'm not free to do anything I want. I want to be financially independent, but my plan was to address my chronic unhappiness and seeking before beginning the next phase of my life, but it's not exactly working out like I hoped.
  12. @mandyjw Maybe you're right, but where I'm at now what you're saying doesn't resonate. I still have some moves to make, like psychiatry/therapy, so I guess i'll exhaust my efforting before reassessing but we will see. If I don't see the love in the world, I don't see how seeing just see the love in the world is of any use. From my pov this the equation of my current suffering. Heat Chakra+ Crown Chakra+ Third Eye= Closed. So whatever the solution is will move me in the direction of opening those chakras. I've yet to get a clear answer from anyone on how to do this, but someone has to know.
  13. @VeganAwake Did you lose the sense of being behind your eyes looking out to the world? Does it still feel like a "you" walking around in relation the world? What did your no self realization change about your direct experience. How is your personal experience different now, compared to let's say 2 years ago (or whatever number of years) when weren't aware that the self is an illusion.
  14. @modmyth My family is pretty Indian so i was exposed to the culture a lot, but i just never chose to engage with it . I remember being embarrassed of my family a lot growing up, so i imagine that dynamic had a lot to do with how i viewed Indian woman as i grew up. There's no question what i find attractive was shaped by my relative culture. If Indian people were the predominant group in media, I bet what i found attractive would be skewed in that direction. When people talk about white supremacy being part of the entire western culture, this is one point where i agree. What's desirable has been shaped and skewed for white people and by white people (although i think this process was largely unconscious rather than deliberate malicious towards other ethnic groups). I don't know if it's just my own vanity, but i do feel for certain groups that are outside of the norms of attractiveness in the west. For example, people from the South Sudan have characteristics that are dramatically different from what features are conventionally considered attractive. This point i don't like to admit due to the the fear of being labeled a racist, but i'd be lying if i said there weren't certain ethnic groups i just don't find nearly as attractive as others. And it's rough because no body chooses the race their born into, and i imagine many people(especially woman) like the idea of being found attractive within a given culture. There's also the halo effect of what looks good must BE good.
  15. @mandyjw I still feel like a self though. From my pov it seems like I'm looking out from behind the eyes. I understand intellectually what you wrote, but I don't experience it. How did you get the shift in pov to occur? I agree that I'm not giving a full effort, but I dont even know what teaching to do. I've done hours of self inquiry, but at this point it feels like I'm just waiting for a shift to happen.