Thought Art

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About Thought Art

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  • Birthday October 24

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  1. I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my ex. When we started dating I introduced her to my idea for showcasing artists. She started helping me with my vision and project. We did a lot of great work and it was a lot of fun to create. We were able to help a lot of young artists showcase their talents. But, then she ended up moving back in with her ex boyfriend. So, I backed out of the relationship, and then what seems like a week later she was back with her exboyfriend. I felt like she strong armed me, and was likely cheating the whole time. I was so hurt and devastated I couldn't focus on the project. She continued to finish the showcase without me. My resentment boiled because this really messed me up emotionally and hurt my entire vision. I needed time to process and heal but she just kept going. Now she is still running it, with basically the exact same design that I came up with. I feel so much anger and resentment toward her and my ego keeps telling me that she stole my idea, and how evil she is and how 'bad' and 'awful' this is because it should be me, or me AND her running it because its my idea. Everytime I see her or the showcase, which is actually having a lot of success... thats right my life purpose is working but some girl stole it. Anyway, that's how my ego feels. But, I think if I don't reframe this, which I am working on doing today. It's just gonna eat me up. I can't change her. And I am glad artists are benefiting from my creativity. You can change the world, ahaha. Also, I need to remember why I did it in the first place. For the artists. I should be glad someone is doing that work. But, it should be me I am so passionate about that... Anyway, sharing this because others might be dealing with resentment too. Wondering how people process it, or what books are out there.
  2. Yeah, seems like God shit the bed on this one. Why not just have the experience be tailored to suit God so God can enjoy itself? Why all this 9-5 slave labour, trauma etc...
  3. @puporing "They heard me singing and they told me to stop... quit these pretentious things and just punch in a clock"
  4. Yes, I've made a lot of progess with the book. I will return to it. I don't trust god, other people or myself. That book has a lot of great stuff in it. I actually use some of the exercises in my daily morning journaling. I don't wanna end up famous and then make one wrong comment and have my whole career implode. This world is fucked up. People are fake, like my last roommate. I don't know what it means to be a friend? People demonize you pretty quickly. when he left he said he was lying to me the whole relationship as and was never really my friend. And he called me the Zen devil.. Man, people are fake as fuck. You need to be willing to stand alone in this world. The forgiveness and understanding I will provide others, wont be returned. I don't need to rush into forgiveness just yet. I can be a real person. I need to stop comparing myself to others, just be present in the moment. I will develop a healthy ego. Or, I will kill myself. It doesn't matter in the end. Am I an angel or a devil? Both. I don't think God cares about you more than you care about yourself. Probably because you are God.
  5. @Terell Kirby Hope so. Been dealing with thoughts of wanting to die the last few days. But, that is really my ego being deeeeeply selfish. Because I just want to play music forever. I just want to sing, and sing and sing and lead Qigong classes, do Yoga. I can build this life. But, it's part of the journey. I was actually like, super self actualizing 2 years ago... Then is all fell flat on my face. Women/ people who cheat sexually ruin lives. I couldn't think straight I was so angry. Plus, I was losing my balance in other ways. I put in all this work on our project with her, and she starts sucking some other guys dick? Jeez, well, thanks God! What was the point of all that hard work? And then my boss hired her. Just, totally ruined everything. I was so angry at both of them. It totally ruined everything I was building. She didn't respect me at all. I don't trust any of you. Humans are lying sacks of shit sometimes. Yet, I know deep down I love you. So, I've been licking my wounds, building skills, doing trips, going to a therapist.. getting my job prospects up. I am just so fucking creative the idea of having to work for someone makes me want to hang myself in my closet. All these limiting beliefs, fears, etc plus all the time it takes to work on these other life skills make me frustrated because I know deep down I have so much music in me. Like, SOOOO much. I worked my fucking ass off, and now I am so scared to get back into because it hurt so badly. I felt like everything was just ripped away, all the passion and love and it was replaced with this endless raging resentment and anger. Then, I am trying to wrap my head around Leo's teachings. Which, is hard to do because I only have my own direct experience and all my misinterpretations, and everything. Then, I felt like I had all these possible paths to take and the raging fear of picking the wrong passion because I don't want to be poor my whole life. Having to work 6-8 hours a day, and then trying to make something afterwards only lead to poor health. Sure, IT also lead to my success, but that proved to be fleeting and very very painful. I never felt so angry in my entire life. I had built something really amazing that was going to help a lot of artists and she starts sleeping with this guy? I mean, fuck you. Then I hate myself for being angry, for letting everyone down. So, It's not easy. I feel creatively blocked right now. I only have so much time and energy in my life. To really be a great musician... It needs 100% focus, but I don't have that right now because of all the areas of my life that need work. So, I feel confused. I don't know why God would be me and not someone else. Why am I this person? I hope shit comes together because, I am not sticking around if my life is just some boring mundane excuse for existence. "I hurt myself again, along with all my friends, feels like it never ends... here comes the night again..."
  6. Yup. Everyone is coming into this place from a different spot in life. I was pursuing enlightenment because I wanted my art to be toetlized. I don't really care for material existence or survival. But, It's fucking real for whatever reason. So, gotta build that foundation. Having to bite the bullet though makes me scream and want to kill myself because it so fucking boring and grindy.
  7. @Breakingthewall I want to be successful so bad. I hate all of this. I have a reading week coming up next week. I was gonna do a song writing retreat, but now I am thinking of just doing meditation, Qigong, journaling and spend a week out in nature. I feel grounded. I just feel, frustrated with external circumstances and these thoughts that life is going to fuck me up like it has for the last 25 years. I've come so close so many times to success, but I get in my own way. I am only getting older. I just gotta go through this phase of my life. My last chapter ended it catastrophic failure, I've been working on exploring new areas of life, building a stronger foundation for myself. I want to be a musician, but, it feels like a double edged sword. There are so many areas of my life that need work. These depressions have been with me since I was 10 years old. Could be my adhd. I grew up around a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, aloholism). Teaching Qigong bring a lot of joy to myself and others. I need to be patient. Arcadefire is my inspiration... Wow, I think wow. I don't know how to get to that level of musicianship. I feel like time is passing me by. I've put in so many hours into practice etc. But, I feel like the basics of life are taking up all my focus and time. I feel like my inner artist has died. I know it's there somewhere. I just, my head is all blocked... The ashes of everything now... "I'm im the black again... not coming back again..." I've been wanting to smoke weed again, but I am looking for a sober mind 99% of the time. I might smoke the odd joint, or do 5meo once a month. But, really the core of my work needs to be me facing my limiting thoughts, and living conciously with my sleep, nutrition, work ethic, finances, sexuality etc. I run these nightmares in my mind where everyone thinks I am a pervert, racist or a bad person. It's been torturing me and it just ruins my ability to envision a powerful life. I need to trust people. I need to trust myself. I don't really understand what is God or what is reality. The 5meodmt trips I've done seem to be pointing to something, but maybe that is just my Ego? probably. I feel a bit overwhelmed. But, I will work through it.
  8. None of this makes sense to me. I get that enlightenment is possible. But, a lot of this is just words and ideas. There is not ONE bubble. I am one bubble ,but so have you.
  9. @Leo Gura Sheila was insane.. I don't know how Osho didn't see it. Then again, maybe he was too..
  10. Lol, I like Osho. It's funny how they think he was creating a mindless man ahaha
  11. @Anahata The problem is I'll be too old soon. What if I feel like I've lived long enough? I think a lot of the opportunities I have had are squandered. I am not sure there is much left to do but this mindless loop of a wage slave. Life is complex. I wish the loving god made something a little more loving for me to experience. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life. So much suffering. I just have to make it through this phase I think. I don't know what opportunities will come next. Life has surprised me in the past. The depression kind of de-rails me. I don't really trust reality enough to put my heart into my life purpose so I find myself settling and trying to make the best of the situation. I don't trust myself, my mind, other people or any source of information any more. It's all so limited and my ability to apply information I don't trust either. I just want to be Arcadefire tbh, and tour the world. But, I am this person. I fear I am going to die without having lived up to my full potential as a musician. But, I am like crippled by fear and movies of terrible outcomes. Maybe, It's better safe than sorry. Just stay out of the limelight.
  12. Ahaha, well. It surely seems more real than what is.