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Since my early teens I had this strong urge to be lonely. I always felt extremely comfortable and free when being alone. Around people I get tired in a matter of seconds. While this may be good for Enlightenment work it badly affects every social aspect of my life. I lost many friends because of that, I could not succeed in extroverted careers, was doing bad in group studies... I just can't bound with people anymore... In order to survive this materialistic, social world I invented many masks - I carry them everyday in such an extent that I am alien to myself. I almost forgot my true face... It feels like nobody understands me. If I show my true face and interests to other people just struggle to understand me. Most people feel that I am too mysterious and hard to communicate. Is there a way out for such a strong desire of loneliness? It is so hard to survive in this extroverted world like this.

This is my recount of my first experience with LSD. I would like to begin by saying that I felt a level of stress in my life before I took this substance. I felt that all of society was constantly conspiring against my growth and development as a human being heading towards self-actualization. I awoke before 7 a.m. in the morning and I retrieved my LSD. For this trip I would not have a trip sitter available so I was on my own, however I have done high dose psychedelics from a nondual perspective in the past and thus I felt confident in my set and setting. I had four LSD tabs. I tested the tabs the day before using the Erlich testing reagent and they all registered as authentic Lysergic acid diethylamide. I cleared my room of anything that could potentially be damaged or that I might accidentally hurt myself with. I listened to Gregorian chants for about five minutes and began to meditate. I turned off all technology around me. After this I looked at the tabs of LSD and said, “I will go wherever you take me with grace”. I then placed the four tabs underneath my tongue and meditated at the edge of my bed. After what felt like 20 to 30 minutes the tabs dissolved and I swallowed them. Shortly after this I felt the first effects begin to take place. It felt as if all of the nerves just beneath my skin were warmed up by the substance. My mind while in a calm and meditative state became hyperaware of my surroundings. The mind asked questions such as will I be safe without a trip sitter? I slowly began to pass out as the LSD entered my serotonergic system. The LSD assured me that I would be safe. Then I saw a fractal energetic alien looking figure that said, “Ok, let’s get this started.” Next the ego structure melted. My body began to move in the bilateral yoga positions that Martin Ball talks about. My body contorted into positions which normally I couldn’t do. I had experienced this strange phenomenon before with psilocybin mushrooms. On the level of sensory perception I experienced something extremely strange. It was as if my senses began to meld into each other. No longer could I distinctly hear, see, smell, taste, or feel anything independently of each other. I smelled sensations, and heard colors, as insane as that sounds. My entire body was almost vibrating from the amount of nervous system stimulation that it was receiving. Notably, for what seemed like quite a while, my hands began to move in very odd ways and preformed a very strange type of sign language which was completely out of my control. It was as if the LSD had possessed my body and was trying to see how it could guide me similar to my psilocybin trip. Throughout most of the trip the mind was constantly making comparisons and drawing parallels my prior mushroom trip. However unlike psilocybin the lysergic acid diethylamide was much more lenient as a substance as the curious ego structure was not ever abruptly silenced. The nature of this substance in my opinion was a bit more lucid and exploratory than other psychedelics that I had experienced. After this my body passed out for a second time. My ego structure was further dissolved and my consciousness/awareness was sent to a place far outside of space and time. It was at this point that I was shown the infinity of existence. I am completely lacking in the vocabulary necessary to convey exactly what I experienced but I will do my best. My consciousness/awareness came to a place where it was shown the World of Form from an objective viewpoint. All of creation was seen as an Absolute Infinity in every way. I saw the infinite ever changing fractal nature of existence. My awareness was transported to other places across the world of form as well. I was shown what I can only describe as organic computers. These spiritual machines several millions of orders of magnitude more powerful than even the most advanced human quantum computers today. I also saw what I would call energetic crystal architecture. I distinctly remember a palace of sorts it looked like a cathedral and Hindu temple made of pure crystalline light. It was beyond beautiful. It was in complete harmony with the ecology of its setting. Fractals were everywhere and in everything. During this experience the ego wished to revisit the Akashic Records that it had seen before from the psilocybin; however the LSD conveyed that it’s all an Absolute Infinity, even the Akashic Records containing all of the knowledge in the multiverse are only an infinitesimally small part of the Absolute Infinity of existence. At this point the experience became chaotic as I lived the lives of countless organisms. The stories of entire lives were experienced in immeasurably short lengths of time. The mind was racing at the sheer amount of stimulation from the experience. Then the most amazing part of the experience occurred. I will do my best to describe this using the limits of language I was shown existence from outside of existence. I saw the totality of the infinity of existence as incomprehensibly beautiful and profoundly complex infinite fractals. Each fractal was an infinite layer of novelty. I began to hear this extremely strange yet beautiful “cosmic music”, the music of infinity. This music still played until I went to sleep that night. I learned that reality is infinite to such a degree that it cannot be anything else. My awareness returned to my body but was different. At this point I was still tripping extremely heavily. My entire field of vision was almost completely immersed in intricate morphing fractals of beauty. The state of awareness of my mind was very different. I began to gesture to smoke an imaginary blunt. Each time I took a hit from this nonexistent blunt my awareness became more and more aligned, aware and existential. Next, what happened was extremely beautiful. After about three hits from the imaginary blunt I began to speak in a voice that was not my own. It was as if the consciousness of the totality of existence began to speak through me. I had a dialogue with God. My mind would think thoughts and the body would reply verbally, channeling the message of this unity consciousness. I began to speak words that were not my own. It was as if the voice of God (being the infinity of existence) entered my entire being. God told me the following things using my body as a vector to relay. “Reality is an absolute infinity.” “The way your species is living on this planet doesn’t make any sense. You’re causing so much suffering. This earth is all we’ve got. We don’t have any way of moving out and even if we did wed just severely damage another planet.” “All of reality is infinite and everything is simply various forms which I use to experience existence and express myself and that’s really it, now you can do whatever you want with that.” “ It’s all an absolute infinity!” “Everything in all of the totality of existence is an absolute infinity in every way. “I really don’t know how I can make it any more apparent to you.” “It’s infinite to such a degree that its infinity to the infinite root of infinity.” “As long as you know that it’s all one you’ll be ok.” “Everything is going to be alright.” “You really don’t have anything to worry about young man. You’re on the right track. Stop rushing. That’s fear.” “ Fear is illusory.” “Don’t hold yourself back. I don’t hang out with people that hold themselves back, man!” “Really after all we’ve been through, after all the species has been through, you’re really gonna hold yourself back?” At this point I started crying, the mind realized the huge amount of suffering that it has caused itself over the course of its 20 years of life. “Enough with the excuses, no more excuses, stop holding yourself back.” “You’re writing a book. That’s good.” “ All life wants to express itself in every way possible. All lifeforms are expressions and express themselves as fully as they possibly can.” “If you’re going to do something, do it at your all because it’s an expression of life. Put all of your love, effort and energy into it. Anything less is not worthy of you or authentic of what you are capable of.” “Sometimes you’re not gonna have enough money but you’ll always make it through. You’re not gonna kill yourself that’s a no go.” “If we mess up here on earth we are going to mess up there too.” “You’re free to do what you want.” I conveyed to God my fears and insecurities regarding being social and vulnerable with other people. I also explained how even though my views of sexuality are by no means conservative that I still have subconscious thoughts which label various parts of the human sexual experience as negative or ugly. For this I felt ashamed of it. God replied “How’s that bad?! The intricacies of sexuality are just another part of the infinity of existence.” “You need to lighten up!” God also addressed my anxieties regarding sex both as it relates to me on an individual and how it relates to the collective. “You need to have sex. Sex opens you up. It opens your heart.” After this was said, all of the small amount of negativity that I associated with being a virgin left me. “Choose the way that equates to the most openness, love, life and full expression.” Love equates to openness. At this point my awareness was abruptly transported outside of physical existence again and I saw what I can only describe as an Infinite energetic fractal torus of everything. It was as if God said, “look at that! That’s the perfection of everything flowing freely. This is what you are. You are an energetic free flowing being. You are infinity. You are a microcosm of the macrocosm. Whenever you dwell in fear or doubt you block this ever present flow of energy within yourself. You deny me. But most of all you deny yourself.” I was also told things about the power of the placebo effect. However I do not remember exactly what was said. “What will it take for you to live the life that you know you can live?!” “You’re divine yet you live in shit hmm how’d that happen? (Referring to the human species) “Because you doubted me. Because you live in fear. Because you believe in the illusion of separation. The illusion of duality.” "There is only the infinite trans-temporal eternal pregnant present moment, of infinite possibility. What your species calls time, time does not exist.” After this the dialogue ended. I went into a different trance like state where a menagerie of glossolalia came from me. I spoke in words which sounded very similar to Tibetan throat singing. It felt amazing. I passed out again shortly after this. My awareness was shown the intricacies of energy and food systems, being that they are systems of transactions and that life is about balance in every way. This also relates to life and death. After some time my awareness returned to my body and the ego structure somewhat reformed. The strange sensations all over my body were so pervasive that I thought I had soiled myself however I did not. My body was covered in sweat. The come down portion of the experience began. It had been roughly seven hours since I had ingested the lysergic acid diethylamide. I looked towards my bookshelf and was intensely drawn to The power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. As I looked through the pages of the book fractals still immersed my vision however I could still derive information from its pages. I felt so grateful as a looked at the book. It then came to me that life is all about sex, ecology and spirituality. I put down The Power of Now and looked at my bookshelf again this time at the book Sex, Ecology, Spirituality by Ken Wilber. I went to get the book however I knew that If I picked it up it would have been too much of an emotional overload for me and I would have had a release or break of some sort. I spent a few minutes after this and explored the various books on my shelf. Afterwards I sat for a bit and simply looked at the many fractals in my visual field. A voice came to me saying that, “Everything is divine.” “Existence is here for you. Now go experience it!” I then turned on my phone and listened to the sounds of the Didgeridoo instrument and listened to ambient music. This added a level of intensity to the experience. When I looked at the sheets on my bed I was what I can only describe as tribal art, in action. The hallucinations looked like the cave paintings in France had become fully animated on the sheets of my bed. I was very introspective; my mind was racing with thoughts however I paid them no attention. My hands were still moving in this strange sign language fashion. As time passed I walked around my home and I thought to myself, “this is the quintessential psychedelic experience, most of those pieces of psychedelic art that I’ve seen were inspired by this very experience.” I now understood why LSD played such a large part during the 1960s. I began to look out of the window to my backyard. I watched the trees; grass and sky all begin to morph into several fractals. As I looked outside I saw a squirrel scurrying around in my backyard. As I looked at this squirrel it too began to morph into fractals. At this point I realized that I was not looking at a squirrel but at a reflection of myself and the infinity of existence. I felt a love that I cannot describe, for humans do not have the language for it. The feeling of Absolute Oneness and Absolute Infinity was so much that my mind could not take it anymore. I completely broke down and began to cry extremely emotionally. Tears flowed like waterfalls down my face and I couldn’t believe that this was real. That I was real, that life was a thing, that both you and I are absolutely ONE. After this the mind began to calm. My brother returned home a bit after this and asked me if I was OK. When I explained what I had just experienced he knew that I needed some time to process the experience. As the LSD experience continued to come down I spoke to a few friends that came over. While they are recreational users they were supportive of what I experienced even though they did not understand. Fractals were still present roughly nine hours after I took the substance however it felt good to be able to converse about the experience. I went to the bathroom after this, and looking at myself I realized that my body and that the bodies of all living things are organic architecture. The effects continued to dissipate. I had a mild headache however it was nothing intense. The rest of the day was spent in a state of happiness. I spoke to myself and danced around my room like a crazy person. The effects of the LSD finally wore off after over twelve hours in total. Even after the LSD effects dissipated, my physical body felt different and still feels different. My mind feels different as well. I am already in good physical shape however, I feel much lighter and more agile than I ever have. These are the main things that LSD taught me. Everything is Absolutely Infinite. I need to lighten up as a person and stop being so serious about self-actualization and enlightenment. In closing I would like to say that this experience helped me to work through some very personal stuff and I am grateful to have had this experience. I am a forever changed person. This video gives a good representation of what my glossolalia was like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwANedEkqaY While I can't convey what I experienced when I say absolute infinity this may help. Play and mute this video of fractals while listening to the song below. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7-iyyR-iSg In another tab play this song and skip to about 2:15, listen to it at 0.75 speed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z685qqdv3zk This is the best recreation that I can provide of the most intense and strange part of the experience.

I AM Light. I AM Infinite. I AM The Channel. I AM Expanding. I AM Psychedelic. I AM Vibration. I AM Timeless. I AM Unity. I AM Activating. I AM Resonant. I AM Galactic. I AM Radiant. I AM Defined. I AM Electric. I AM Lunar. I AM Magnetic. I AM Planetary. I AM Balanced. I AM Organized. I AM Connected. I AM Inspired. I AM In Harmony. I AM Integrity. I AM Perfect. I AM Manifestation. I AM Dissolving. I AM Releasing. I AM Liberated. I AM Dedicated. I AM Universalized and Divine and Transcending Mantra. I AM Being. I AM Communicating. I AM Spirit. I AM Breathing. I AM Cosmic. I AM Essence. I AM Power. I AM Action. I AM Dreaming. I AM Abundance. I AM Intuition. I AM God. I AM Extreme. I AM Internal and External. I AM Flowering. I AM The Clocking. I AM Aware. I AM Lifeforce. I AM Surviving. I AM DMT. I AM Spiraling. I AM Arc. I AM Accomplishing. I AM Healing. I AM Beauty. I AM Elegance. I AM Pure. I AM Flowing. I AM Love. I AM Chakras. I AM Co-inciding. I AM Playing. I AM Magic. I AM Elusive. I AM Free Will. I AM Wise. I AM Exploring. I AM Space and Time. I AM Waking Life. I AM Vivid. I AM Enchanting. I AM Timelessness and Complete, Infinite Design. I AM Alien. I AM Human. I AM Receptive. I AM Vision. I AM Energy. I AM Mindful. I AM Questioning. I AM Answering. I AM Intelligent. I AM Fearless. I AM Evolving. I AM Opening My Third Eye to the Unseen Vision, Translating. I AM Synchronicity. I AM Reflecting. I AM Endlessness. I AM Order and Chaos. I AM The Tao. I AM Crystalized. I AM Self-generation. I AM Affirming. I AM Enlightened. I AM Blind. I AM The Tone. I AM The Color. I AM Electronic. I AM Lunar and Solar, Opposite and Polar. I AM Language. I AM Radial. I AM Particles of Plasma. I AM Endurance. I AM Cosmic. I AM Releasing. I AM Liberating. I AM Perfect. I AM Pulsing. I AM Realizing. I AM The One Because The One Are All. I AM Form. I AM The Infinite, Nothing That Becomes The Everything. I AM Symbolic. I AM Relative. I AM The Divine Spirit that Harmonizes with Laws projecting the digital loom the tool of experiencing DESIRE and finding ECSTASY in process I AM Me. We Are You.

I was thinking about what you have mentioned while I was contemplating what answers might be, and Ive got your point but there is a more profound question left to be answered youre right a realized master does not exist cause he/she is infinity, so the body that we see from the master is just an appearance but the tongue of that body is the tongue of infinity so what it says has to arise from understanding everything and grasping and feeling infinity including mappings such as human knowledge,future knowledge,alien knowledge cause they are part of infinity as well as every other thing so if enlightenment is possible or has no limits there must be at least one sample of this tongue of infinity who can lecture every human knowledge better than professors , speak every language and translate or at least articulate what it it can grasp from infinity? we all know that there have never been such a person and probably never will be and does not exist right now maybe its not possible for the infinity to grasp itself fully

@Alien A huge step in the right direction! Nothing doesn't matter indeed, ultimately. It's all One and infinite. In fact, there is no "next". You're living in an infinite now. On a relative level, our mind loves problems, worries and control. It's how most of us are programmed (by society, school, parents etc.) The quest is to allign yourself with the absolute perspective and less with the relative perspective. Become God. Live as God. Write your insight down to remind yourself once in a while. It's a damn long journey

I can see how the scientific community wants to define the boundaries of what counts as legitimate and "real science". To me, the term "supernatural" means something beyond our current understanding of nature. As I've stated many times, there will be future discoveries that would appear "supernatural" now. Yet, these are rare discoveries. Science seems more comfortable building upon what we already know vs going for leaps. Yet, anyone can speculate and make supernatural shit up. It doesn't mean it should be taken seriously. For example, I was discussing my research with a woman who is into metaphysics and paranormal. I told her that I work on a bacterium that infects insects and I am currently trying to determine how the bacterium localizes to brain tissue. She replied "Maybe it's an alien!!!". She was serious and she wanted me to seriously consider her alien hypothesis as valid and worthy of study. . . I just couldn't. We have a good understanding of cellular transport machines. Her idea would be the equivalent of noticing a stack of firewood near your shed and trying to figure out how it got there. Your friend tells you "Maybe an alien put it there!!!". Your friend wants to be taken seriously and wants the two of you to start searching for aliens. Wouldn't he seem a bit whacko?? Now what if he tells you how closed minded you are. That's what it sounds like to me as a cellular biologist. Just like we know firewood can be transported via pick up trucks and roads - we know that bacteria can transport via molecular motors and microtubules. Yet, if someone had no idea about trucks and roads - the alien idea might seem more reasonable. Similarly, if someone had no idea about kinesins and actin, the alien idea would seem more reasonable. Most people don't have an understanding of the underlying biology/science - that is one reason "supernatural" explanations seem more plausible. Consider the 2004 movie "What the Bleep Do We Know"? It was a serious effort to present "supernatural" ideas and gain legitimacy. I remember people criticizing scientists as being closed-minded. Yet, upon closer scrutiny the movie is filled with half-truths and inaccurate scientific claims. Bullshit that would seem plausible to uneducated people. It's been 13yrs since the movie was released - has even one idea in that movie been shown to be valid? Yes, there are phenomena we are unaware of that would seem to be "supernatural" with out current understanding of nature. Yet, that doesn't mean people can make shit up and be taken seriously without a plausible basis.

@egoless Contemplate deeper my friend. (Or just listen to Alan Watts, he'll do the contemplation for you, I think he's better suited for it than both you and me.) The wall is only solid in relation to your soft hand. The wall for itself is not solid. There are many small neutrino particles flying through that wall every second. To them the wall is transparent. If your hand was made of gold instead of flesh (but still contained feeling-neurons), perhaps the wall would be rather soft to you? The wall for iself is literally nothing, it's not a wall for itself, it's nothing. You - as a human organism - evoke the appearance of a wall when the photons it reflects reaches your retina and then the visual cortex in the back of your skull. It's only a wall in relation to you. You can also evoke the appereance of a wall by touching it with your hands. So you evoke the external world as a human organism. But realize, that it goes both ways. The external world evokes you as a human organism. You only know yourself in relation to the outer world. So both you and the external world is nothing. But together it's something (a happening, a proces). It's a proces. You can't have one without the other. The external world only exist because you exist. And vice versa. Just like the south pole of a magnet only exists because the north pole exists. What you call your body ends up in the hospital. And your body gets fucked up. Even so, the body is not fucked up in itself. It's only fucked up in relation to a conceptual human ideal that says that a human head shouldn't bleed and have bumps on it. But that is you, dude. You are IT (God). Therefore YOU don't really get fucked up by bumping 'your head' into a 'wall'. Nothing happens to YOU! Except, just like when you're completely immersed in watching a good action movie and one of the character smashes his fist into another character's face, you surely believe that that character got his head smashed good. But after the movie is done, you're aware that it was just a movie, and that all the violence was just fake, acting and illusional theater tricks. The same principles governs the "ego", WaveInTheocean, and the "ego", egoless It's such a big misconception among human minds that it's possible to experience 'nothing'. Look, ACTUAL 'nothing' means 'no experience.' You cannot experience nothing, because nothing = 'not an experience' or 'no experience'. Many people are afraid to die primarily because they imagine it will be like their ego being locked up in dark box for eternity with no sensations except darkness and silence, i.e. what they mistake for 'nothing'. What happens to you when you die can only be the same experience you had when you were born. All there exist is indeed experience of something. There is nothing outside experience. Sitting in a chair as philosopher and building conceptual frameworks in your head - even that is an experience. First of all, you speak of God as an entity separate to you, outside to you. God is not that. God is you, whether you like it or not. But since we're having this discussion and pretending to be separate ego's, let's just for fun talk of our real selves (God) as God, as a 3rd party. You say the reason of his creation is life (let's ignore the love part for now). Do you realize that there would be no creation without life? In other words, life and creation is the same thing. This universe, which you find yourself to be in, which you feel alien to, which you don't feel like you belong to, that exact universe only exist because you exist (and vice versa). In other words, it's like saying 'God created life because of life'. And that's right. There is no meaning what so ever behind your existence as 'egoless', except you exist for kicks, for fun, for love, for entertainment, just as a child create a sandcastle for no reason, he just does it because he likes creating stuff. In the same way, God likes creating stuff, and he created this Universe which 'peoples', just like an appletree 'apples'. Realize that all this entertainment includes all your percieved sorrow and hatred in life. That's part of the drama of life. That's what makes it exciting. That we feel like separate ego's who's survival is important. But your survival is not important except for the importance you put in it. It's not important because you don't exist in the first place as an ego. There is no you, except the you as God, which is eternal. Your logic/metaphysics are so flawed even a average 7-year old could point out the holes in it to you. For example, you say that God created the world because of love and life. And then you say that 'killing' is the ultimate evil because it's opposite of life and love. But why did God include 'killing' and other sorts of evil in the world then? Look. Think about it. Death and life goes together like the back and front of a coin goes together. You can't have one without the other. You only exist as 'egoless' now because you once died as another person/being. When we are born we forget everything, and that's the beauty of it. Life would be fucking boring if we could live for eternity. Life is fascinating and exciting only because it's all so fresh and new to us. Look at kids, for them it's super fascinating because it's even fresher to them. So there is nothing wrong with death. Absolutely nothing. In the grand scale that is. For of course as a human being we're programmed to fear death. So therefore it's smart to create laws and morals/ethics which say 'killing is bad/evil', because that will make us all happier if we don't have to fear getting shot in the street. There is no ultimate good and evil. There is relative good and evil. Relative because it's invented by you, or maybe you unconsciously buy it from the cultural ego that is society. Again your metaphysics are retarded (sorry to say) because if God only created the world because of love and life, why in the heck would he also include people like Hitler in his world? God does all sort of things. God is you. He builds sandcastles for fun like a child does. Some turn out ugly, some turn out beautiful, but they're all made out of love. Real love. Not the egoic love you're talking about.

Thank you for your input Joseph. Its very true what you say that everbody has a set of reasons justifying their actions and beliefs. She has aswell, trapping herself in a victim mentality. I feel like I could accept it if she would be authentic in her current situation. If shed be ok with her state now not wanting anything else. If she would find her true love and live in a freakin trailerpark searching for alien life on the moon I would be fine with it. How can I be happy knowing that she is suffering? It feels very wrong even trying this. I feel like no matter how high I can climb the mountain of personal development, I will never be fullfilled knowing she is left behind. I understand that there is no controlling people. I know that and I let go trying to force my view of improvement upon anyone. Life just wasnt fair for her and I am basically her last hope. I can not let go of this obligation.

@Ilya Yes of course it's shadow work. Fears are very tricky to deal with. I don't think there is a really easy way for it. What can work is disidentification, focus on breath or simply awareness while in fear or simply getting your shit together once and do it over and over again, no matter how uncomfortable until you realize how easy it is. Get ready for another mindfuck in future then. There is no full mastery or perfect mastery / perfect state. Improvement never ends because if it would end at some point, there would be no infinity and you could describe the Truth with just words. For example just imagine the emotional mastery some alien race from the 6th dimension must have and still there are infinietely far away from Truth because like us they are just in this illusory world of objects, Truth can't be translated into this physical realms it simply appears as infinity. Don't make the mistake of thinking that enlightenment will make you the perfect human being, it doesen't.

@Alien it describes, it is not described. (Cause it’s absolute). If you try to describe it, you must reference what it is not or what it is similar to (something relative) , and that doesn’t exist. Personally speaking, it’s love times infinity. But that’s not what it is, that’s just me.

@Alien The thing is, no matter how accurately it's conveyed, it's like trying to describe the color pink to a blind person.

@Alien Well, ya see... we're talking about your death here, and you still haven't realized we aren't joking Did you think you were gonna die without a fight?

Hi guys, Not sure if you'll understand what i'm going to explain here, but here goes nothing. On every psychedelic trip i see crazy symbols (in rainbow colours) since the opening of my third eye. It reminds me a lot of what that pineal gland artist was trying to illustrate. These symbols become sometimes transparent and fill the complete space i'm in. When focusing enough on those symbols and finding a right momentum, I every time reach a certain state. It feels as jumping certain dimensions. How do i act? The crazy deep voice as shown my Martin Ball? That crazy shit yeah. Sometimes speaking in some kind of alien clicking tongue, strange symmetric movements, strange tongue movements and an absurd sexual energy. Like fucking absurd. I feel part of an infinite penis+vagina (meaning that i obviously feal a feminine and masculine energy coinciding). What is this shit guys? Always those damn symbols and that jump or something? Any resembling experiences? Peace

here it is in me again. I saw my ex walking in front of me, holding hands with his new girlfriend(?) a wave hit me, cold like a winter day. there was that loneliness again. I am not in love with him. I think I never was. not romantically. I didn't feel anything when he told me that he had cheated on me. I didn't care. but that was just sexually. pure physical. now I saw him in close embrace with another girl. that did some things in me. it was nothing about him, I realized that. it was more like: maybe he found happiness. maybe he found his soulmate. maybe he is fulfilled now. and me? at the end of the day I am alone. nobody to share my life with. no one who holds me. I won't run away this time. no distraction, no games this time. I want to explore this feeling. what is it? loneliness: cold. empty. crushing. dull. like something is missing in me. there is an infinite hole in me, it keeps opening and sucking me in. on the other hand. I want to be alone. I don't think I'd want a relationship. I would just like someone to hold me from time to time. someone to talk, to share moments with. to share my happiness and my deepest emotions and thoughts with. intimacy = in-to-me-see why do people leave me? I know it's my biggest fear: that there is something wrong with me. I don't fit in. I'll never find anyone to be with. I'm just too fucked up and weird. sometimes I feel like an alien. disconnected from people.

My Experience with Kambô, the Amazonian Frog Poison [Traumatic] Hello, all! Even though I have been going pretty well on the personal development journey, I still stumble upon hurdles that I could have easily avoided. This last Saturday -- 11-6-2017 -- I decided to try out a poison from a Toad called: "Kambô." It seems as though it has become quite popular in the Bay Area. Here in Brazil it is technically prohibited, but it is very easy to find a place that does this job. If you want to read more about the general effects and benefits, you can search them online. The main principle is that this poison enters your your body, and your immune system has to work to reestablish homeostasis. Result? Boost your immune system by brute force, similarly to taking cold showers. You force your system to strengthen. But never would I think that it would be so disastarous. Prior to applying it, I had drunk more than 3 liters of water (which is the top recommendtation for having a "quick" trip). The effects were supposed to be intense but quick, only 15 minutes. But it fucking lasted for 1 day, with 2 days of after-affects. It was hell. The feeling I got was similar to what my friend was telling me about Ibugaina. Low pressure, severe fever, hypothermia, death-like feeling, and delirium. At some point, I felt as if that was a 5-MeO-DMT trip because I can't imagine anything more terryfying than that. I felt like I was going utterly mad. Lobotomy or something like that. And the worst part was that the so-called Shaman wouldn't shut up telling me that I was filled with "entities." He totally overdosed me. And the biggest problem is that, even though I was sick out of my mind, he reapplied the goddamn Kambô, saying, "I am doing this because I like you." Seriously?????? And then when that happen it was complete hell once again. I was not aware that there have been deaths related to Kambo, so I didn't panic even though I took the biggest dump of my life. Seriously, it was scary. I felt like there was an alien in my belly. And it was moving. I think this is called the peristaltic movements. Crazy-ass shit. Another problem was while I was taking a shit, I also felt like vomiting. So it was a pretty messed up situation. And you know the worst part? The fucking "Shaman" was bitching because I was staying too much in the fucking toilet. For goodness sake's, I can't stop vomiting! But anyway... I have to admit that I am feeling very sane and healthy right now. But the experience was completely traumatic and never will I repeat it. The usual dosage are 5 points. The guy gave me 7. And I am extrasensitive for everything (including yopo. I hate that shit.). In a way, this experience was good to remove my existential fear of dying. I kinda went through the process, so I feel prepared to try 5-MeO out. It can't be worse than Kambo. Technically, Kambo is not a psychedelic. But dude... it cleans the shit out of you. You feel so fragile. It is as if you got totally detoxed. Feels weird. I kinda feel sick... But very healthy in a way. Kambo is known for treating depression, cancer, addiction-recovery, panema ("bad spirits"), aids, etc. It was way more intense that I could ever imagine. Leo always warns us about these powerful substances. "You'll get your ass kicked." I wish I had heard him. START SMALL!!! But if I could sum up the whole experience would be Malaise. I hadn't felt sick like that ever since I was a child. You remember when you had the horrible fever? Well, I do. Meet this guy: This little guy will make you go down.

@Serotoninluv Yeah I've experienced both and can say they're nearly opposites. People and places feel extremely alien and unfamiliar when DP, whereas they feel a part of you with enlightenment. @Coraline Sounds to me like if you were to develop the disorder you probably would have by now, but still be careful. Educate yourself, Harris Harrington has a good YouTube channel that explain some of the childhood issues that can lead to dissociative problems.

Ye but imagine the epic alien bod u will have with all that energy... Perhaps you will have 2 hearts and wings. Epic! But everyone else around will also be just as epic and u won't even notice how cool it is ?

this right here, I feel you. I feel isolated. most of the time I enjoy being alone, I love time to myself, so I can meditate, do yoga, work on the Truth. but sometimes it just hits me like a tsunami. I feel like the most lonely person in the world. like an alien. and then this strong urge to connect with someone on a deeper level, not even sexually. more like talking, sharing each other's deepest thoughts, holding each other and cuddling. where does this come from? is it all lack of self-worth and self-love?

@Brimstone Thanks. After about 25 years of personal development, I’ve recently had some glimpses into. . . I don’t know what to call it. . . Yet listening to Leo, Rupert Spira and Ananta Kranti speak of nonduality, I’m like “yea, ir’s kinda like that.” That kind of talk used to drive me crazy. I’d think “Just explain it in plain English!”. Now, relating to people feels odd. There’s like a familiar dual perspective with language. Then, this nondual whatever. So many things seem important and meaningful from my dual perspective, yet there is a singularity from nondual perspective. It’s almost like flipping between two different languages. Or, English and some alien sixth sense of just being like everything else, without thought or talk. It feels awkward at times.

@Visionary I don't know but the information is there for sure. It's hard to find it though and collect and reassemble the missing puzzle pieces. This is not a topic to skim over superficialy, this is extremely deep, so determination and a lot of information to process is a must. http://in5d.com/the-14-tablets-of-enki-the-anunnaki/ https://ancientexplorers.com/blogs/news/sumerian-texts-do-these-tablets-reveal-secrets-about-alien-life http://www.ancient-origins.net/human-origins-folklore/origins-human-beings-according-ancient-sumerian-texts-0065 Found the some info mentioned by RA on YouTube.

It's not a bad terminology to describe the group and it's purpose. The underlying belief that we're entering some kind of 'new age' where all of our intellectual underpinnings are just shams and conspiracies. Personally I don't resonate with the new age movement. They've hit on some truths, but only through luck. It's not hard when you don't examine any idea critically. At the same time, they throw away any knowledge or wisdom that is considered conventional simply because it's... well... conventional. Conventional wisdom is boring, and the new age movement is fixated on exciting theories revolving around aliens, egyptians, solar flares, quantum entanglement, etc. The egyptians built the pyramids through their own ingenuity and we have tons of documented evidence? Boring! They must have used ancient magic and alien technologies, man couldn't possibly have figured it out themselves! So they've really thrown the baby out with the bathwater. They do a great service by questioning conventional wisdom, but if you're going to do that you also need to think critically about 'new age' theories and this is where they fall short of hitting the mark.

This picture would look super interesting from an alien's perspective after seeing tons of planets just bare, then this! We're so used to it but if we didn't know what humans or Earth were, wow!

What I learnt from The Joe Rogan experience 725 and 872 never exclude the possibility that off field people can investigate a topic with much fresher eyes than those who earned their diplomas on it and have already spent years of thinking by using certain information as fact We might miss the elephant in the room because the elephant is the room. Sometimes the evidence for something is so big that it can´t be seen but from a birds eye view. Always consider peoples interests and egos when evaluating their data. people who dedicate their life passionately, patiently and open minded to investigation are more likely to discover something ground breaking keep up with a theory, even if it gets rejected by the mainstream scientists until you have gathered overwhelming facts from a variety of sources if a widely accepted theory gets questioned then the proposer of a new theory will very likely be ignored and/or be labelled with some title that will leave him/her stigmatized us untrustworthy (therefore always give information from field outcasts a chance) only because a theory contains an element/event that reminds of/would support some other theory/myth that is associated with lies and dogma, that does not mean the element/event did not take place/is not possible or true myths can contain information of real historical events embedded in a made up story with anthropomorphic characters of various interests and intentions standing in for forces and phenomena that are easier to remember and understand that way highly symbolic art can give hints about historical values and events oh and... Even if such an exciting idea as pre astronautism occurs we should not close our eyes in front of some rather simple answer like part of humanity having developed more into the technological direction than another long before we did. This behaves like religion or the elephants on the turtle... Even though aliens are nice elephants and turtles... It´s all us once again (but since I can never be sure and I will leave room for more possible alien or not mind blows in the future). ... Looks like the attachment that people have with their work or at least the hours spent learning and repeating and teaching and shaping, possibly draining pride from knowing, theories that they have accepted as facts makes their egos unlikely to throw away their fixed historical world view (you don´t say Anna...). The interesting part is that this identification is (for now) so deep in most, if not all of the mainstream scientists that we might have to wait until that entire generation dies off until the new evidence and theory starts getting evaluated and taken seriously. The quantity of people who are ignorant, purposefully or not, to this really compelling amount of data about something as basal and big as a topic like the origins of human civilisation and possible future gives me a reminder of the dark ages of humanity I live in. If we don´t know the truth about something of this size then what other answers have we overseen and how long will it take until there is a global acceptance towards them? ... If learning equals behaviour change then knowing about the flood which the melted ice and rainfall caused, which again the comet caused, does not just mean that I have to start thinking and talking about history taking this into account but actually try to do something about the meteorites/comets that might repeat this whole disaster in the future. I am obviously not interested in the construction of weapons to fight each other but if we need some armour to defend life on earth itself I think I´m in the boat... Or at least raising consciousness about this.

1. Is your experience of mind becoming more alone ? Even when you are *cough* "with people" ? 2. Is your subjective intake of reality natural ? Are you letting this moment speak for itself ? 3. Have you started to relate to people you knew differently ? 4. Have you stopped chasing actualized.org and Leo Gura for the "grand prize of the self-actualized,purposeful life" ? 5. Are you feeling more alien to conventional society, how it works , and seen as a disease to the one who seeks to abide in truth ? 6. Have you reached the point where " information put in spotlights " ---- (I refer to) books, movies , the news , teachings of spiritual leaders,pop culture and most importantly actualized.org.... are given the skeptical lens ... as that which has yet to stand the testing with (your) subjective experience of this moment ? 7. Has your heart started to burn with the desire of rising beyond the baseline human condition ... aka your reality of now ? Have you started to actively test the theory you study with direct experience aka NOW ? 8. Have your actions been purified with the fire of awareness such that if you set out to do something ...that it is YOU...wholeheartedly who is doing it ..... not some conceptual,emotional, physical product of your society that's been told to follow an authority ? Note :- I myself am not immune to the traps of the conditioned human living. These are questions which I find instill consciousness in me.

1. Is your experience of mind becoming more alone? Even when you are *cough* "with people"? I feel like I am all that exists. 2. Is your subjective intake of reality natural? Are you letting this moment speak for itself? Totally neutral, unless stressed into a less-conscious response. 3. Have you started to relate to people you knew differently? Yes. I’m more compassionate and less egotistical. 4. Have you stopped chasing actualized.org and Leo Gura for the "grand prize of the self-actualized, purposeful life"? Yes. The best thing I can do for myself is to let go. I do pretty good even without the false sense of control. 5. Are you feeling more alien to conventional society, how it works , and seen as a disease to the one who seeks to abide in truth? Not really, because that’s all conceptual. The only thing that exists is the moment. But yeah, you gotta watch your intake portals. Garbage in, garbage out. 6. Have you reached the point where " information put in spotlights " ---- (I refer to) books, movies , the news , teachings of spiritual leaders, pop culture and most importantly actualized.org.... are given the skeptical lens ... as that which has yet to stand the testing with (your) subjective experience of this moment ? I don’t need any more teachings. The only teaching is to stop trying to control. You do need to review materials daily to keep you keen on noticing the tricks of the mind though, so you do need theory work and review in enlightenment practice. The mind will fog up your clear lenses, so you gotta wipe the mist off everyday. You don't just become permanently enlightened. The mind is always there trying to interfere. This is why constant mindfulness is so important in enlightenment practice. 7. Has your heart started to burn with the desire of rising beyond the baseline human condition ... aka your reality of now ? Have you started to actively test the theory you study with direct experience aka NOW ? I am totally content in the moment. 8. Have your actions been purified with the fire of awareness such that if you set out to do something ...that it is YOU...wholeheartedly who is doing it ..... not some conceptual, emotional, physical product of your society that's been told to follow an authority ? Yes. I am letting go of control and seeing through the tricks of the mind. The most important teaching of enlightenment is that self-control is an illusion. You do have a certain indirect self-control through mindfulness and Awareness. The higher your Awareness, the better the dream gets for you. But never think you are part of the dream. You are Awareness of the dream. And Awareness alone is curative. Relevant video to watch: