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About LaucherJunge

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  1. @Serotoninluv Of course you are right empaths also tend to be attracted to narcissists, but what really makes me think that this is about my own repressed aspects is that I just independently had this insight recently that it's okay to be narcissistic when I was in a particularly bad and painful situation, I just went from whimpering to crying out of joy in that instant, it was a huge relief and just about 1 week after this realization I notice this attraction towards them. But at the same time I already very well know my empathetic side and this aspects also mirrors very well astrologically in my moon in pisces, this part was just always very dominant and suppressed the darker parts of me. So I think that you can actually be on both sides of the spectrum at the same time. And I also do like the thought of fully giving away my control and let someone else have full power over me and still being able to trust that they have my best interest at heart and this thought is especially attractive when it's someone narcissistic. @Emerald Thank you for this brilliant reply, that's basically exactly what I was looking to know. It makes so much sense now especially considering my text above, the attraction comes from multiple angles really, my empathetic side sees that root aspect below the darkness and wants to fix them, I see into their core for who they really are and basically get my satisfaction from the tiny bits of goodness that come out from time to time that feel like healing, like a release, which is another thing that thrills me when a women is crying after a strong emotional release. And then of course there is the mirrored suppressed aspects of myself I see inside them on the surface, these aspects want out and that's why this behaviour is so attractive to me, the universe basically telling me "you should be like them to make progress". And there is this thrill to entrust someone with my life and give my whole power to someone who is narcissistic because I believe in them and it feels exactly like the satisfaction from such an emotional release I see a tiny bit of their goodness presented towards me and it's so healing. amazing insights for me right here, thank you both a lot!
  2. I just recently had the realization that it's okay to be narcissist, that some people just are this way and rejecting and demonizing it is definitely not the correct way of going about it, even though I had some bad experiences with this in the past which lead me to really reject any of such attributes in myself even to the degree that I rejected my own self-love to some degree and I actually never in my life felt as whole as now, where I am working on accepting theses darker parts of myself. Now I've just finished watching the series "Killing Eve" and I noticed and had to admit that I am madly attracted to the psychopathic character Villanelle, when I didn't have this veil of rejection against this darkness anymore. After admitting this to myself I had to remember a women from like 4 years ago who I was texting with, she definitely was at the very least an extreme narcissist and possibly even a psychopath and to be honest never in my life did I feel as attracted to someone as to her even though we were just texting, I was so addicted that I would lay in my bad all day with such emotional tension in my body that I was literally shaking and just waiting for her replies, I didn't really figure at that time what this was all about but now it became kinda obvious to me that I am obsessed with these kinds of women and I am not really judging myself for this or anything, but in the end I am all about moving forward and doing the work necessary to do so and become the best version of myself. I guess this attraction stems from the fact that I have these really dark aspects inside of me always rejecting them, for these of you who are into astrology, I have AC scorpio with pluto in scorpio and also mars in leo as for the dark aspects. I am kinda conflicted as to what's next and also not sure yet how I unlock these aspects and if I really want to, but I kinda have to in order to progress. I don't really want to be a bad person at all and that's why I have been rejecting it all of my life, I tried my best to keep it shut but the floodgates are starting to give in and the darkness is at the doorstep knocking. I am scared of my own darkness. What do you think about this?
  3. So I have finally managed to stop porn for a longer period of time. After 25 days of abstinence I masturbated the first time though, without porn of course. I am at about 30 days now and have masturbated a few more times till now. I am kinda split between letting myself masturbate from time to time, because after all I don't want to completely repress my sexuality I want to be sexually healthy and being abstinent for years and years feels for me like simply ignoring a part of yourself, not integrating an essential part of yourself. What do you think? What would you recommend?
  4. So I took it upon myself to find out and the answer I got was simply cleansing tears. I would recommend.
  5. What do you think, which approach is the right one? When you have a song which really triggers good old memories and it destroys you inside hearing it after a long time, because you lost someone who it was connected with. My approach would be to simply listen through it and work on the emotional turbulences it causes inside of you, but I am not sure because on the other hand, couldn't become an obstacle to letting go if you delve into this? Or have you ever truly let go if there is such emotions still hidden deep inside of you?
  6. For anyone who still cares, I kinda had another insight about all of this. Now I understand that Women are simply not loving you for your logic, how much you convince them, how good you are to them. They really love from their heart and the chemistry you make them feel. I see now that the porn really was an even greater obstacle than I thought, it really took alot of exactly this masculinity that I needed to keep attracting her, also a big aspect of masculinity is this self directed energy which is typical for narcissists, which of course attracts women, especially empathic ones, also they are masters in causing exactly those chemical reactions in women, which they need to fall in love. Anyway, now I am on 23 days of nofap and it was really easy honestly, with all the heartbreak I wasn't really focused on it at all and that's why it was so easy and I will continue going forward with this. So I guess, the red pill comments, had some truth to them after all, even though I think you really can stay a very decent human being and be kinda still nice to women, just in a very special way, I guess there is still lots of time to figure this out..
  7. @Nahm I think it is mostly the attention which causes my high, since the high even happens an "object" of my desire simply texts me even if it's lets say not a positive answer from them I get the high initially. Thank you Nahm, that was insanely helpful, I am gonna get going with this list.
  8. @Nahm Well as I said, sometimes it just feels like this is my only drive to live, this love addiction, there is nothing to live for without love. I also keep attaching from person to person and obsessing with them, even if I don't really know them, because it never was about the person it was just about my high. I also struggled in my recent relationship to really stay independent from that person, like there was no other focus in my life. And obviously after the break up I would compulsively try everything to get her back and simply can not let go, even though this experience has grown me immensely and I really found the way to my heart and self love even further, I simply can't seem to let go of this love fantasy that this was the perfect love and there will never be such a great love again.. I feel like this addiction was kinda well hidden or even partly resolved until recently I started being abstinent from orgasm and I think now this love addiction seems to be taking the place of my old addictions and is getting worse. I am so deeply attached to looking for this perfect love that I really feel like I don't want to live anymore, if it seems to not be going my way at all, because nothing else is worth living.
  9. How to cure it, what do you think? And it is not really that I don't have any self-love at all, I feel like I am on a decent level, but it is just mentally that I absolutely think Love is my only life goal, my only life purpose, it is everything for me..
  10. @Consept You are a little overboard with this interpretation, in my opinion most of the advice in here was pretty helpful and the ego part I was talking about was referring to a few comments. The reality of the situation is that you don't really have the insight into our connection. As I said I am not in those dreams anymore I was in a few days ago. I am in the heart now and I know that she was in her heart all along, because that is what women are good at, of course there are exceptions. Anyway I am really happy now with the situation as it is and don't feel like a need a relationship at the moment, first I kinda need to cool down from all this.
  11. @bejapuskas It was clinginess when I still wanted something that she didn't. But she said multiple times that she loves me and want out heart connection, of course based on a friendship, which is what I also feel like the right thing at the moment, friendship to start reconnecting our hearts, I really don't need to be physically with her, to love her and to enjoy our relationship of whichever nature, if our hearts are both ready we will get together if not they won't but we will still be loving friends and I am completely fine with this. @Toby of course it does, this is exactly what your heart is here for to truly know what your soul desires and what it doesen't desire and if there is a one sided thing involved all I can say is, there is no better lesson in life than such relationships.
  12. @bejapuskas I mean especially the red pill and blue pill stuff, realize that you have the power to create your world, if you want to live in the mainstream worlds of blue or red pill, you will sure never fulfill your hearts true desire. I feel like some people here are not at all connected to their heart, to their desires, their passion. That way you will never experience genuine love, which in my opinion is the most beautiful thing life has to offer, your heart is capable of this love for anyone even yourself at all times, but of course you need to really get in touch with it.
  13. I thank you all for your help, even though some of it is coming from alot of ego. But I now remember again what really the issue was in this whole situation, for some reason I closed my heart after my second meeting with her. Before meeting her it was really active and I was passionate about everything and that is the reason she fell in love with me, because I wrote so passionately with my whole heart. She must have felt that my heart closed but she still stayed with me in the relationship for 2,5 more months.. Now that I reopened it I really just want to connect with her again in the heart space and I really don't care if she just wants to be friends, I am back to my authentic core and with my passionate heart opened self, I know that I can attract love easily and so even my desperation for her is completely gone now. We will be friends again we will connect again and we will see if I wanna attract someone else or maybe get back with her, because I know that with my opened heart she will not be able to resist me for long, I finally understood this. I wish you a good day.
  14. @alankrillin Well, karezza is still a good way in my opinion, you just need to be far enough for it to really get deep. And I surely am not at that level yet, I underestimated what it really takes. Yeah, you are right I guess that was the biggest mistake of my life to not give this addiction the attention that it needed. But the circumstances taught me and now force me to really take this seriously. I was simply very lonely and even though I was working on my self love and got to a really decent point in my opinion, that's why I attracted the relationship, I kind of took the relationship for granted after a while and so I did take for granted not feeling lonely anymore. But I see now that you have to give all the things you need to yourself really, then the magic will happen and I am giving 100% for this to happen.
  15. I suppose with so much feedback from you guys saying that I need to give it up for good, I have to humble my ego and get over it, thank you all for your opinions.