phoenix666

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About phoenix666

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  1. @Jamie Universe @okulele thing is, we're led by emotions. emotions are not just flimsy sensations we can look over. they are everything in our experience of life. what does that mean? e-emotion. they are literally what puts us into motion. every action we take, every word we say ore even every thought we think comes from our emotions. it's even scientifically proven scientifically that the input for every movement we 'willingly' make, starts from subconscious parts of our brain, the limbic system (where our emotions are seated) specifically. thing is, whether we are conscious of it or not, everything we do comes from our emotions. now the question is: are we aware of what we feel? or are those emotions that lead us buried into the subconscious mind. everyone has emotions, we would die without. the question is, are we aware of them or have we been running way from them, distracting us from them until they became locked into the subconscious/shadow? a little insight I just had whilst eating breakfast
  2. @Viking in retrospective I'd say they changed something. first of all I became aware of unconscious mechanisms on a logical level. I remember writing down the steps and answering some questions. I also tried to apply those steps while interacting with other people, which deepened my empathy. that, in turn, connected me more with my own emotions. of course this takes time and practice (I keep forgetting) but in the long run I can say that my relationships became better, specially with my parents, who I regularly 'use' to practice over the past months a lot of repressed feelings surfaced..mostly 'negative' ones. but I recognize now that that was necessary, as I've been subconsciously running away from them for a long time. even if you don't apply the steps she proposes, becoming aware of those patterns is already moving something in you, in my opinion.
  3. do you mean apathy? I've struggled with that a lot in the past. Teal Swan has a couple of good videos about apathy, getting in touch with our emotions, expressing emotions and such that have helped me a lot
  4. @herghly I guess I'll begin with with focusing on medulla, since I'm used to that from previous practice. eventually I'll move on to bindu visarga yeah, it says so in the book as well. I just got extremely unsure and confused because it just felt impossible for me. I'll bite through it, thank you for your reply. <3 wow, 5 days? that's great, I think it will take a little longer for me congrats on your discipline and progress. I will practice Kriya twice a day, maybe that helps with improvement regarding technique
  5. life is sweeping by go and dare before you die something mighty and sublime leave behind to conquer time. -Goethe Happy birthday from me too. you've enriched our lives Leo. I wish you all the best and much love <3
  6. I became aware of being a slave to time and clocks during a shroom trip. I realized that time causes so much pressure, anxiety, melancholy, stress and worry in my daily life. it's getting better. but I still feel enslaved. it's hard to break free from time when modern society is centered around schedules. how can you escape from that while keep 'functioning' in society?
  7. do you guys focus on medulla or bindu visarga during the first pranayama? also I'm also a little confused.. I'm supposed to focus on medulla/bindu visarga, look at Brumadhya, use Ujjayi Pranayama, visualize energy through my spine and chakras and counting. how the hell am I supposed to do all of that? it's very difficult for me. my focus feels diverted, all over the place. turns out I'm extremely bad at multitasking (although I'm a girl) is it just me or is it normal to struggle a lot with that at the beginning?
  8. you don't need to apologize for anything @Karin12414 if you need time, take how much as you want. if you want to deal with this alone, do that. if you want help, reach out for it and you'll find someone. whatever you feel like doing, it's ok and you don't need to justify it. don't let yourself be pressured into taking actions you're not ready for (telling your parents for example). I know how fucking scary it is.. whatever makes you feel better and secure is the right thing to do! I'm sorry you have to go through this. you're not alone <3
  9. oh, you hit a nerve there..
  10. #nofreewill #higherselfinaction hahaha let's get back to studying...life still feels real for me, no awakening from maya for me yet..
  11. you just made my day how can I go back to studying after this??
  12. I feel that too! my life has become pretty lonely as well. my parents commented on that a couple of days ago. but it feels richer than ever before, to be honest! that brownie is delicious hahahaha this. <3 but seriously, every single person is a manifestation of your higher self, giving you the possibility to grow, to learn something, to cultivate love and compassion. not easy, I keep forgetting it as well. but when I remember, my attitude changes immediately and I'm able to bring a little bit of light in other people's lives <3
  13. paranoid I think I slowly understand where my paranoia is coming from. before my first trip I'd never thought of myself as a paranoid person. and I'm probably not in a pathological way in daily life. but then again, psychedelics dig up shit from the subconscious. apparently I am! now it makes sense. I've always had this fear of just being different, deep down I'm scared of being dysfunctional, or let's just face it: psychiatric. that's why it has always fascinated me so much. a desperate attempt to understand myself? a perverse excitement I get from getting close to my fears? why am I so afraid? I'm still hugely dependent on approval. I want to be validated by people. I want them to look up at me. I want them to think I'm smart and wise. where do those narcissistic tendencies come from? now I get it, it's a actual a deep lack of self worth! it's an attempt to get the validation and approval I don't get from myself .. from others! this narcissism I see in myself is nothing evil. it's a lack of self love. it's not looking for power (I can only talk for myself) it's begging to be loved! the key is self love. (whoop whoop, like that's an easy thing.) still trying to figure out how that stuff works.. and the paranoia? I think it's rooted into modern society's way of living. I feel so disconnected.. from everything. from nature, from other creatures, from other people. even disconnected from myself. so disconnected for a huge part of my life that all I felt for a long time was apathy. disconnected from my own emotions. numb and empty. the only way of feeling was strong negative emotions. that's why I continued to dig myself deeper and deeper into drama and downright dangerous situations. I did so many stupid things. in order to re-gain feelings. and I did. I felt shame, disgust, regret, self hatred. that stuff needs some healing! I want to re-discover my connection. all is one. I've committed to this path. I don't follow it blindly, I've had some glimpses of how it feels to return to the source. I want to connect with people, with myself and with nature. meditation, connect me with being! yoga, connect me with my body and my energy! journaling, connect me with my mind! and finally, holy mushrooms, connect me with god, infinity, myself, with everything!
  14. you are not crazy. don't be ashamed of yourself, you're doing everything right <3 this is actually quite frequent in victims of sexual abuse. something similar happened to me when I was 15. an older (very, very much older) friend of my family repeatedly abused me. he manipulated me in all kinds of ways. it destroyed me, I went through a hell lot of suffering, until all those memories emerged from my subconscious mind and I started just remembering all of it - and forgiving myself (I also noticed arousal when remembering what he did to me..and it made me so full of shame and self hatred..) ...and even him. this might take a few years, but it's definitively worth it. what helped me along the way is self development, spiritual work like meditation, yoga, mindfulness, journaling. the most important thing is developing self awareness and complete self-honesty. this doesn't have to involve anyone but yourself - if you don't want (of course, if you want help, reach out to whoever you think could help you) you already did the first and most important step: you became aware oft this, you observed your own emotions and were completely honest with yourself. so honest, you even had the courage to share your story on this forum. this is great. you're strong <3 write about it, write down how you feel. talk about it. writing and talking about your emotions, journaling and meditation are very useful tools for accepting, letting go and finding self love. I wish you all the best <3 you're not alone!