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About phoenix666

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  1. @Martin123 this resonates with me. oh my god, how can this be? I've just come back from a break from this place.. and what you just perfect for this moment. I'm not sure what happened, but lately I seem to be extremely sensitive. lots of empathy, lots of feelings I get from speaking to people. and it sometimes really hurts.. my heart has just been broken a little. all the suffering is pouring back in, after weeks, months of joy, lightness and bliss. fuck. why. I've made myself vulnerable again. and now I've been crushed again. something little made my heart break. how can I handle this new found sensitivity?
  2. let that shame go and shine brightly <3 you're right, we are right now, every moment and it's all perfect <3 thank you so, so much psiloputty <3 you're such a wonderful soul. your posts always deeply touch my heart. they resonate in a very special way. we illuminate each other <3 yes, inner children screaming for love, let's shine by giving them all we have I feel you, appreciate everything you all deserves to be seen <3 thank you guys so much. I have tears in my eyes again. feels like we're slowly waking up together. so beautiful to share
  3. oh dear, I have yet to fathom the magnitude of suffering which the story of abuse has caused in my life. this wound is so, so deep. it has infiltrated practically every aspect of my life. that lens colors everything. the lens of victimhood, self hate and shame. it permeated every aspect of my being and relationships. self esteem problems, that heavy burden of shame and guilt, the heart wrecking self hatred.. all of this is slowly surfacing, I'm becoming aware of all. it feels like healing. awareness is curative. OMG. it so is. that's what we're here for, becoming conscious of the unconscious. increasing our awareness bit by bit. it's touching, moving, heart breaking and beautiful. even all the suffering, feels like purging. I think that's the core of healing: awareness. stripping away layer by layer of beliefs, paradigms, roles, identities until there is nothing left but emptiness. from there, love can arise. the divine, unconditional love. I am so, so grateful for everything. for everyone here. you're a huge part of my journey. bless you with love <3 I just wanted to share this <3
  4. I realized so many things about myself lately. it seems too much to put into words. it's been such a beautiful process. let's see where it will get me. I resonate with Matt so much. maybe a heart centered approach is right for me? it feels right? I've always been (unconsciously) searching for love, appreciation, validation, attention. my inner child asking for attention? I'm trying to be more loving to myself. I'm not really sure how that works. two very close people said that I am such a loving, kind and caring person. but that I'm not really loving towards myself. and if I'm honest, I don't really know how to do that. how can I love myself unconditionally? it's so much easier to feel love for others.. shouldn't that be the same? shouldn't my self love improve by loving in general? why does that still feel kind of disconnected from each other?
  5. I want to express the whole world, out comes no thing. no words are able to contain the immensity of it all. I'm speechless. it's so, so beautiful. all of it. all the suffering too. I'm crying. there is so much going on in me.. suffering and bliss, all at once. it almost seems like nothing. (because it's too much) I can see why there must be emptiness to contain it all <3 and I can feel on my skin; I'm my biggest enemy, the bigger jihad. but I love it, I love this enemy. it brought me here and here, right now is perfect <3 all the things I'm not and all the things I am. I don't know anymore. feels like I'm getting to know myself deeper and deeper on this journey. paradoxically I seem to know less and less. it's like peeling away layer after layer. what's left? what do I want to be left with? the only thing I know: I want love, the divine one that comes with oneness. the one that brings me to tears. unconditional, without boundaries. it takes so much courage. making myself vulnerable is so hard. I'm trembling. feels like I'm healing. I love this journey. do I first have to heal myself before I can heal others?
  6. what do I want? what do I really want in my life? I want love and oneness. I want to feel connection to everyone and everything my greatest wish? I feel a deep desire to heal people. not only on a physical, but also on a mental and emotional level <3
  7. wow, sounds like a deep, healing experience :3 deep wounds can't but heal in the presence of compassion and self-love <3
  8. likewise :3 so heartwarming to communicate with other sensitive souls. there just seems to be a deeper connection <3 I feel you, judgement is a hard, stubborn pattern to unwire.. takes so much time, patience and dedication..
  9. I can relate to this so much. I could listen to Matt for hours. I can literally feel my nervous system relaxing. live seems brighter, I can see and feel love more intensely afterwards. Matt's teachings just feel true. it usually just clicks. like he's helping me reconnect to a long forgotten truth I've always had in me, hidden in my subconscious. my wounds were abuse and neglect. abuse has lead to severe lack of self worth and lots of shame, guilt and self hatred. there where long periods where my parents and no one else around me noticed my suffering. I'm always looking for love, validation and approval from outside. now I know I have to turn inward for all oft that.. thanks for sharing, @Martin123 and remember how fascinating paradoxes actually are <3
  10. I witnessed something really important: I literally observed my mind generating suffering. a slight feeling of emptiness came up - after weeks of joy, love and bliss. the contrast was huge. the resistance too. I felt tensing up, not wanting to loose all the positivity I've 'gained' in the last months. it felt like a small death. slipping back into old patterns, old pain. there my mind played right into it: thoughts came up, fantasies of victimhood, suffering, loss, loneliness.. it created a whole cycle: thoughts deepened the painful emotions, which in turn stimulated new destructive thoughts, which again intensified the suffering. it was so painful, but also sweet in a strange way. I felt something in me grasping onto it. my ego? identifying with familiar patterns? I suddenly thought: whoa, wait. is this me? does this actually belong to me? am I really this suffering? as soon as I thought that, I felt it becoming less intense. I gained distance, as if observing it from afar or through a veil of fog. I instinctively knew what the answer was: to love the one who is in pain. and I genuinely want to love that one. I don't want to judge and beat myself up for suffering and for getting caught in old toxic patterns again. I really want to love myself. unconditionally and every single aspect of myself. if I only knew how..
  11. right intention I know there is nothing. no reason, no purpose, no meaning. I've experienced that nothingness. the ego uses the mind to construct all of that. why? it's about survival. to keep going. to get up in the morning. motivation, goals, validation. to reassure I am, I exist, I matter. I matter in this world, I matter in other people's perceptions. it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to judge that anymore. the k.ey is the light of awareness. I see that it's all a projection of my mind. but why not embracing it? I don't want to get rid of 'my' ego. I want to integrate it. I want to embrace it with love. the mind is a poor master, but a good servant. I create my own meaning, I've always done so. I can do it in a mindful, conscious manner. why am I doing all of this? why am I living at all? what's the purpose? what is my purpose in life? my mother says I'm egoistic, self-absorbed. that hurt me. am I? why do I spend so much time meditating, doing yoga, reading/studying, practicing mindfulness? my goals have changed over the last year.. what I am aiming for now is something completely different. I couldn't have ever imagined. I want to become empty. so empty, to be filled with the only thing there is: divine love. I'd like to become selfless, a mere vessel of love and compassion. all of that to serve; I want to heal and help others like I did with myself. I've managed to drag my poor soul out of self hatred and victim mentality. I would like to share all the bliss and love and empathy I've experienced since then. am I tricking myself there? is that ego searching for validation, a sense of importance? I don't know at this point. I hope not. it doesn't feel like that. my desire to share and to reach out feels genuine and deep. and if not, maybe it will become along my journey. to change the world one must change herself. I shouldn't feel guilty for spending so much time on myself and my inner journey. Matt is right, sometimes awareness can become quite toxic. when it's tinged with judgement. the answer? love. I want to deepen my self love <3
  12. I've been working on body awareness too lately. I noticed that paradoxically, tension is passive and relaxation actually active. so whenever I remember, I try to actively relax all my muscles. dancing is also a lovely way to connect to our body <3
  13. surrender = realizing I didn't have any control to begin with all I have to do is actually to observe, observe myself floating through life, reality passing me by. and feel that there is less and less resistance. relax into every moment, relax into every situation, again and again. my mind is trying to distract myself with boredom. that's ok, that too, shall pass. my life has changed so much over the past months, it's so touching. there is so much more love, empathy and intuition in it. I would like to deepen that even further..
  14. oh really, a lot of power games and money stuff going on even in this field? shit, I didn't expect that. but yeah, I can imagine, you never know what they're doing to you I guess it's difficult to find someone you can trust blindly. also because of our own projections and insecurities. yeah, I've actually thought about brewing my own too. after my last experiences I'm not sure I wanna trip in front others. I like doing things alone. I've had very good and quite deep experiences with AL-LAD. much easier and less murky than mushrooms.
  15. @Solace to be found one must be lost? <3