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About phoenix666

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  1. what do I want? what do I really want in my life? I want love and oneness. I want to feel connection to everyone and everything my greatest wish? I feel a deep desire to heal people. not only on a physical, but also on a mental and emotional level <3
  2. wow, sounds like a deep, healing experience :3 deep wounds can't but heal in the presence of compassion and self-love <3
  3. likewise :3 so heartwarming to communicate with other sensitive souls. there just seems to be a deeper connection <3 I feel you, judgement is a hard, stubborn pattern to unwire.. takes so much time, patience and dedication..
  4. I can relate to this so much. I could listen to Matt for hours. I can literally feel my nervous system relaxing. live seems brighter, I can see and feel love more intensely afterwards. Matt's teachings just feel true. it usually just clicks. like he's helping me reconnect to a long forgotten truth I've always had in me, hidden in my subconscious. my wounds were abuse and neglect. abuse has lead to severe lack of self worth and lots of shame, guilt and self hatred. there where long periods where my parents and no one else around me noticed my suffering. I'm always looking for love, validation and approval from outside. now I know I have to turn inward for all oft that.. thanks for sharing, @Martin123 and remember how fascinating paradoxes actually are <3
  5. I witnessed something really important: I literally observed my mind generating suffering. a slight feeling of emptiness came up - after weeks of joy, love and bliss. the contrast was huge. the resistance too. I felt tensing up, not wanting to loose all the positivity I've 'gained' in the last months. it felt like a small death. slipping back into old patterns, old pain. there my mind played right into it: thoughts came up, fantasies of victimhood, suffering, loss, loneliness.. it created a whole cycle: thoughts deepened the painful emotions, which in turn stimulated new destructive thoughts, which again intensified the suffering. it was so painful, but also sweet in a strange way. I felt something in me grasping onto it. my ego? identifying with familiar patterns? I suddenly thought: whoa, wait. is this me? does this actually belong to me? am I really this suffering? as soon as I thought that, I felt it becoming less intense. I gained distance, as if observing it from afar or through a veil of fog. I instinctively knew what the answer was: to love the one who is in pain. and I genuinely want to love that one. I don't want to judge and beat myself up for suffering and for getting caught in old toxic patterns again. I really want to love myself. unconditionally and every single aspect of myself. if I only knew how..
  6. right intention I know there is nothing. no reason, no purpose, no meaning. I've experienced that nothingness. the ego uses the mind to construct all of that. why? it's about survival. to keep going. to get up in the morning. motivation, goals, validation. to reassure I am, I exist, I matter. I matter in this world, I matter in other people's perceptions. it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to judge that anymore. the k.ey is the light of awareness. I see that it's all a projection of my mind. but why not embracing it? I don't want to get rid of 'my' ego. I want to integrate it. I want to embrace it with love. the mind is a poor master, but a good servant. I create my own meaning, I've always done so. I can do it in a mindful, conscious manner. why am I doing all of this? why am I living at all? what's the purpose? what is my purpose in life? my mother says I'm egoistic, self-absorbed. that hurt me. am I? why do I spend so much time meditating, doing yoga, reading/studying, practicing mindfulness? my goals have changed over the last year.. what I am aiming for now is something completely different. I couldn't have ever imagined. I want to become empty. so empty, to be filled with the only thing there is: divine love. I'd like to become selfless, a mere vessel of love and compassion. all of that to serve; I want to heal and help others like I did with myself. I've managed to drag my poor soul out of self hatred and victim mentality. I would like to share all the bliss and love and empathy I've experienced since then. am I tricking myself there? is that ego searching for validation, a sense of importance? I don't know at this point. I hope not. it doesn't feel like that. my desire to share and to reach out feels genuine and deep. and if not, maybe it will become along my journey. to change the world one must change herself. I shouldn't feel guilty for spending so much time on myself and my inner journey. Matt is right, sometimes awareness can become quite toxic. when it's tinged with judgement. the answer? love. I want to deepen my self love <3
  7. I've been working on body awareness too lately. I noticed that paradoxically, tension is passive and relaxation actually active. so whenever I remember, I try to actively relax all my muscles. dancing is also a lovely way to connect to our body <3
  8. surrender = realizing I didn't have any control to begin with all I have to do is actually to observe, observe myself floating through life, reality passing me by. and feel that there is less and less resistance. relax into every moment, relax into every situation, again and again. my mind is trying to distract myself with boredom. that's ok, that too, shall pass. my life has changed so much over the past months, it's so touching. there is so much more love, empathy and intuition in it. I would like to deepen that even further..
  9. oh really, a lot of power games and money stuff going on even in this field? shit, I didn't expect that. but yeah, I can imagine, you never know what they're doing to you I guess it's difficult to find someone you can trust blindly. also because of our own projections and insecurities. yeah, I've actually thought about brewing my own too. after my last experiences I'm not sure I wanna trip in front others. I like doing things alone. I've had very good and quite deep experiences with AL-LAD. much easier and less murky than mushrooms.
  10. @Solace to be found one must be lost? <3
  11. thanks, for sharing <3 sounds really intense. yeah, colors and symbols can be really powerful. I also noticed that I have a lot more associations between sounds, colors and shapes since tripping. I see interconnections where I didn't see any before. I know what you're talking about with hell. I've felt it too on a particularly strong shroom trip twice. but somehow I managed to surrender fully to it until it actually became heaven, so the positive prevailed for me in the end. I hope this will be the case for you too. I wish you all the best, Vladimir. we' re alone on our journey, but somehow we're all in this together <3 I would like to do a such retreat in the jungle as well.. where have you done or planned to do that? in south america? I hope I can find something here in Europe, I can't afford to fly to Peru (yet)..
  12. oh yes, for me too. it's the greatest teacher for becoming a more humble and compassionate being <3
  13. everything just is. no need for explanation. I can see why that's scary for a mind striving to survive, and it's ok. I'm done fighting with it. I don't want to get rid off anything, I don't want to push away, ignore or deny anything anymore. as if it wasn't all GOD! ego is god too. it's part of the infinite play of the absolute, interacting with itself in innumerable forms <3 so I can see why my mind doesn't like the notion of everything just is. it wants explanations, answers, rationalizations. it wants reasons and speculations for the future. it's all a play. everything that is, is inevitable. but all around that is a play. for fun. why not making life more colorful? why not painting it with love? there are no reasons. but mind wants them? so let's make some. set your own intentions, create your own reasons. you're a creator. free will isn't having power over outcome. everything is already scripted. what's bound to happen, will happen. what's not will not. how wonderful, isn't that liberating? there is no wrong! so nothing you do is wrong. everything I do is right <3 but fee will is creating the most powerful reasons why I do what I do. let's play a game and find the most loving and wonderful intentions behind everything I do and say thank you, Matt, you're my angel
  14. @Solace breath is always with me, even if I take it for granted..which I actually do most of the time I so badly want to bring awareness of breath into my daily life, but it's so hard, I keep forgetting. thanks for reminding me of my abundance <3 wow, this is some tough stuff .. thanks for inspiring me <3
  15. I found that what actually causes me the most suffering, is running away from suffering suffering will persist, as long as we resist it .. but if we try to embrace it..