Gabriel Antonio

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About Gabriel Antonio

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  • Birthday 09/09/1996

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  1. 7:32 PM 24-Mar-17 I wish I was more loving towards myself. I wish I didn't have to do so much. I know that I am sounding weak (at least for me), but that is how I feel right now. I have been very strong over the last weeks. I have begun to appreciate the power of words. Yet, now I feel tired. I wish I could rest. But rest can be dangerous at times. I begin to get attached to this other side of the spectrum. I have realized today how disciplined I am. I don't allow myself to slack off, simply because I know it will only make me suffer. I wish I could be writing here in an up-beat way, but right now I feel kind of drained. I am happy that I have been more positive, that I have been expressing myself, that I have been participating in conversations as an active listener and speaker. I am grateful for ayahuasca and all the friends I have made both in the ayahuasca ceremony and in a gospel church I have been going to. It is a time for reflection. It is ok to use negative words. When I am with people, I am forcing myself to be positive, to be strong. I think this is a good thing because I have stronger when I do that. Sometimes even setting an intention through thought can make a difference. I have accomplished so much that I fear of losing this. Why? I have been courageous and everything, yet I know that I can easily fall off track. Having meditation as my only rule in life helps me put things into perspective. "Oh... it's ok that I have had a shitty day, at least I have done my part and meditated." Yet, I also feel the need of social interactions. I have been making compliments to strangers and I start random conversations. This brings a lot of happiness. Sure, there are people who ignore me, but I have met some amazing people. Another thing I have been doing is practicing self-love to my inner child. I know that my inner child lives in my body right in this moment. She wants attention and love also. I know that the cool things I have done are due to my inner child being heard by me. My inner child and me are one actually. Anyway, I am grateful that I am here having this wonderful human experience and that I have been experiencing amazing and powerful higher-consciousness feelings of connectedness and deep love for all beings. I am able to see people with eyes of compassion. I am valuing the power of intentions. It is what it is. Today might be hard. There might be no hope. But if you keep moving forward, there will be light. It is hard to trust in that when you're living in a pile of shit. But what else is there to do expect becoming conscious? It might be challenging in the beginning, but there is a great payoff. That's it for today.
  2. Your discipline is beautiful
  3. 11:48 PM 22-Mar-17 I am kind of tired, so I am going to write for only 5 minutes here. I just want to journal how I have been feeling in a brief way. I have begun to value the power of words of love. Becoming more mindful of how I speak produce a better result in my relationships. If I keep saying words of love, all the evil evaporates one time or the other. Life is precious. This moment will never come back again. So our training is to come back to it over and over again. I have been doing a talk to a stranger challenge. I have been making compliments to people on the street. It gives me so much happiness and joy. My happiness level is skyrocketing. I agree with @JKG. Human interactions are needed for a healthy and happy life. I feel more loving and I love that I can talk with my inner child. I can take good care of him and her. Shadow work is necessary. I have been doing lists about some ugly aspects of myself and a friend has been helping me. "My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone." Just the fact that I share, that makes me feel better. I am grateful that I have such a friend who I can trust and tell whatever comes to mind. Seriously, it is amazing. I am taking ayahuasca this weekend again. It is so exciting. It is always a mystery how it is going to turn out. Just like every moment is, just like every day is, just like every second is. It is a trip. I had a trip one time that I was sick in a hospital and I was about to die. I had to remove myself from that environment and bring me back to life. Another trip I had with a fox. Then, I went outside and there was a dog that looked like a fox. It was cool to interact with him. The other one (the last one) I contemplated impermanence on a deep level. I took 3 doses, so I really dived deep. If you're doing the work (meditation especially), psychedelics are the way to go. It will boost your experience and produce massive gains. You will begin to see reality differently. It is amazing. Thank you Mother Earth for giving us this amazing gift. That's it for today. =]
  4. 9:02 PM 20-Mar-17 PRACTICING SILENCE I got this intuitive urge to simply stop talking. I feel I accept people more the way they are, and I become receptive to what gifts they have to offer me. I have been getting some withdrawal symptoms. I have been feeling isolated in a way. Part of me desesperately wants to start interacting with people like I have been. Another part knows that I need this break to regain some freshness. FEAR OF LOSING A GIRL I noticed a very lousy strategy I was using to prevent a girl I am dating to meet other people. Overinteract with her. I have decided to not send messages or read messages from her for 3 days. I had tried that on the weekend, but I didn't resist. And the messages didn't turn out well. So this time I will be with the discomfort and see what happens. I am curious to see the result of this retreat. FEAR OF GETTING DEPRESSED The less I talk and interact, the more vulnerable to depression and overthinking I become. At the same time, I want to have resilience to be with those uncomfortable sensations. I consciously did not interact with some people I wanted to today. I feel I need to rest. INSIGHTS FOURTH TIME AYAHUASCA - I am change. - Talk less, feel more. - Buddhism is the most mature religion. That's it for today.
  5. You have incredible writing skills. You motivated me to meditate for longer hours. You are very honest and down-to-earth. Congratulations on your progress and development. Keep moving. Keep walking. Gratitude <3
  6. =)
  7. 11:03 PM 17-Mar-17 It is crazy how much I have grown the last few weeks. I have become much more social, and this is so pleasant. I used to not talk to strangers, but now I do. I usually start out the conversation by making a compliment. This way, the conversation usually turns out well and the person feels a little bit better in his or her day. Life is precious. And it is so fleeting. We have this idea of a fixed thing, but it is very impermanent. Right now, you are reading what I am typing. Next thing you know, this moment will be over. I am writing here totally immersed in the moment, and soon enough this moment will pass. And then there is a new moment, and a new moment, and a new moment. Flow like a river. Be flexible like water. WORDS OF POWER I am becoming more mindful of the words I use. I feel words carry a great vibration. For example, the word "mindful" carries a very positive and healing energy and vibe. So I am trying to use those kinds of words when I am speaking. I am also blessing people as I talk. I say words of encouragement such as "I am listening", "You can talk". This helps me stay more present in the conversation. I have noticed that I have this tendency of getting into fantasyland as I talk with people, so my approach lately is to always bring me back to the Here and Now. Sometimes I even say to the other person when I notice that both of us are lost in our minds. "Let's come back to the here and now." This takes a bit of courage, but it is worth it. It is very cool to say words that bring about Presence. MEETING WITH MY DAD AFTER 6 MONTHS I met with my dad today. It was pretty fine. I noticed that he was slightly sad, which is understandable because I haven't treated him very nicely lately. He has a good heart; he is generous, and he is caring. TURNING MY HEART TOWARDS WHAT IS GOOD I have been training myself to see what is good in the present moment. I can certainly list all the negative things about each situation, but I can also train myself to see what is good. For example, I like that I am listening to a nice and soothing 432 hz music (it's called Miracle Tone, which is available on YT). I also like that my spine is naturally straight. I like that my body is relatively relaxed. I like that I noticed that I was holding tension in my belly and now I have released it. I like that I am able to apply self-control. RELATIONSHIPS I have been going out with a girl, and it is amazing how much a relationship can show us the things we need to work on. For example, my fear of being abandoned and left alone is pretty evident. I said good-bye to her the other day, and I got this feeling. I also felt jealousy and neediness. So... the solution... was to take a break from interacting with her. I feel we need space in relationships. When I like someone, I usually stay on their grill too much and I often act in ways that are low conscious. Relationships are like yoga. If they are not generating vital energy; if I am losing my breath, it is time to go into child's pose (which is a resting pose in a way). I have decided to refrain from contacting her for 3 days. I think this will help the relationship to bring some freshness. I didn't tell her, but that's ok. I am grateful that I can be authentic with her. I feel she truly accepts me, and I accept her. I am feeling this is becoming a heart-based connection. The words that blossom from my mouth comes from my heart; from my inner child. AYAHUASCA I am taking ayahusca for the 4th time tomorrow. I want to take 3 doses so that I can really dive deep. I want healing to occur, and I am willing to go through any discomfort. I am also open to receiving grace through love. I will feed myself properly. Ayahusca is wonderful. I feel much more open now. More corageous. More at ease. More loving (definitely +++). I feel I can talk with my inner child and calm him down gently. I am expressing myself more freely and more like an extrovert. I am appreaciating my grandma deeply. I have the ability of bringing myself and others back to the here and now. I am open to relationships. I am more spontaneous. I am more at peace with Existence. That's it for today. Gratitude to all beings! May we all be Free and Happy and Joyful! The light within me honors the light within you. Namaste
  8. Beautiful! You are rocking, girl!
  9. Haha, story of my life =] It is so cool to see your progress. You have become so mature! Thanks for sharing your how you are feeling about your last few weeks of high school. You have really captured the feeling, and it made me think about how I felt when high school was about to end for me. I am very happy that you are grateful for your teachers. I liked the story of you and your friend talking to that girl haha. You're awesome!
  10. I can totally relate to this. I am happy that you gave it a try! =]
  11. 9:22 PM 10-Mar-17 I am just trying to maintain balance in this crazy world. I don't want to get too caught in the energetic field but I also don't want to deny it. I have been able to keep my distance from the pain of my family, or maybe the pain has simply subsized. I went to a meditation class today at the local park, and it was really cool. I shared my experience, and I really allowed myself to feel sad there. I find that it is far better to fully express the emotion rather than trying to control it too much. However, I did notice that at some point I was becoming very uncomfortable in that situation, so I decided to sit with my spine up-straight, and I began to feel better. "LOVE IS BRIGHTER IN THE DARK" I like that I am going through hard times, because it is the perfect opportunity to connect deeply with people. My grandma has got cancer, and it is pretty bad. I am feeling this pain in the energetic field, and I am able to feel it instead of pushing it away or act as if I was indifferent to it. ON the other hand, I have distanced myself from the girl I like. I was having lots of jealousy, neediness, and possessiveness. So I figure I might not be able to have a relationship at this point in time. Or maybe I should try a little harder. But anyway, I have got to follow my own rhythm. RESTING I was planning to go to the church today, but I didn't as a respect to my own body. I was feeling tired, but I still want to push myself into going there. I would be arriving home probably now (9:26 PM). I sort of gave an advice to a friend that I think her body is telling her to slow things down because she does way too many things. However, I was myself not following my own advice. So I decided to just take a soothing warm shower while practicing Metta towards myself. It felt really nice. EATING I haven't been eating much. In a way, I like this because I feel a fresh new sense of energy and intuition. However, this can obviously become disharmonious. So I decided to eat a little bit more now in the evening so that I don't always have this feeling of an empty stomach. I feel the more we grow spiritually, the less we want food. WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY I don't why, but I simply couldn't watch a documentary. I felt the quality of my thoughts decreasing dramatically. I began, for example, thinking about my sister and how she is allegedly not appreciating life the way I am, as if there were a right or wrong way to live life. She might think the same about me. The documentary was called The Altruism Revolution. It was pretty interesting, but I did get tired of all the scientific need. You know? Meditation is good because science says so. I find that science is good to ground us when we are getting too deep into the rabbit hole, but it really can blindside us. Like, "I only trust in science." DOING THE UNCOMFORTABLE I am so happy that I did comfort zone challenges earlier this year. I feel like I am more confident now. And I don't feel the need of doing comfort zone challenges on a daily basis. I can if I want to, but I simply don't see why. Nowadays, I am able to do things that I would not have otherwise done had I not done those comfort zone challenges.
  12. 10:51 PM 09-Mar-17 My grandma has got a pretty severe cancer. I have been soaking the energy around so much that I felt the need to numb myself consciously. I know that a lot of people have negative feelings towards numbing yourself, but I do think that it can be used strategically. I was becoming so meek and soft that I felt like I was going to collapse in weakness. I am glad I have done comfort zone challenges in the past, because they came in handy today. I ate a whole lemon and took a hot shower (it is summer in Brazil) to recharge myself. Right now, I am reciting "Foda-se", which means Fuck it. Although this is a curse word, I do think it is useful at times. I feel we need to dettach from emotions at times and become very logical to see things more clearly. I was getting kind of paranoid of always doing the right thing, doing what my intuition was telling me so right now I simply don't care about that. I am just doing whatever I want. I don't want to be in this state of numbing for a long time, but I do think it is useful right now because the energy in my house can easily catch me and I can get depressive and very low on energy so I have come up with this stategy of desensitizing myself. EX-GIRLFRIEND CONTACTING ME A girl I dated contacted me after a long time. I didn't feel a good vibe from her message. I mean, why would she contact me even though I tried to do so so many times? I don't think I will reply to her. I am tired of getting bitting baits only to be ignored. Haha, my ego seems to be broken. GOING TO CHURCH Tomorrow I will go to a evangelical church called Christian Congregation. I used to not like churches, but this one rocks. It has beautiful music. And most important I like the vibe of the place. ENERGY I have been thinking a lot about of energy. Do we really emanate energy depending on our thoughts? I think so. On the one hand, I feel we need to send good vibrations (via metta meditation, for example). On the other hand, sometimes we have to simply let our mind go crazy. For example, yesterday I went to a Spiritism cult. Spiritism is a popular religion in Brazil. They basically believe in spirits. Anyway, I started to judge the people very harshly, and I allowed my mind to do so. I felt a purging effect. There is secret I want to share with you: nobody can hear your thoughts. So if you want to purge thoughts, let your mind do it. Resistance makes stronger. So lose control of your mind as much as you can. Even though sometimes I feel like high consciousness people can read my mind, they can't. The trick is to find whether to choose to send good vibes or purge thoughts. I think we first need to try sending good vibes; then, if it doesn't work, we purge thoughts. And if the environment is toxic in nature, LEAVE! DID YOU THINK OF LEAVING? LEAVE Sometimes I try to prolongate activities, but that doesn't work. If I have an intutive hit of leaving a conversation, I have tried today to follow through on that even if the conversation is interesting. Conversely, if I want to do something, I want to just fucking do it.
  13. I go to nature. I meet with friends. I have been taking ayahuasca, which has opened up my body awareness. I really don't do much. I used to teach Portuguese, but now I don't. My basic intention is to go back to the world from a place of deeper truth; of being able to be in this world without losing my center. The thing is I am highly anxious, and I admit that I am using meditation as a way to just calm myself down. This Sunday I had planned to meditate only for 2 hours, and my energy was heavily drained. After a good 2-hour session, I felt refreshed and hopeful. Meditation helps me see what I need to work on. For example, I have had confidence issues. At some point, I needed to take action on that, so I began to do some crazy-ass comfort zone challenges that I would have never summed up the courage to do so had I not been meditating. Also, I enjoy practicing radical honesty. I am in a relationship right now, and I am being super honest even though this might screw up the relationship. My intuition has also increased dramatically. I feel like meditation is knocking on intution's door. I can either resist the intuition and suffer; or I can surrender to it and thrive. In a way, meditation is the foundation; meditation is what gives me roots so that my branches can grow taller towards the sky. Thank you for the question!