nexusoflife

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About nexusoflife

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  • Birthday 12/05/1996

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  1. My whole life I have known that I have a unique Gift. It has been readily apparent for as long as I can remember that I have an extraordinary mental aptitude, specifically for learning, speaking and communicating complex and nuanced subjects. Over the course of my life nearly everyone who has gotten to know me personally has told me in some way that I have a unique gift and that I should use it. The importance of not wasting my gift is always stressed in these interactions. Yet I feel like I have been running away from it. I feel that I have been running away from my destiny; running away from who I truly am. As a result of much inner work I have had the very apparent realization I have a deep fear of my own greatness, my own ability, of my own power of expression in this life. I have only expressed my unique innate ability over the years occasionally in small amounts such as whenever I have had the opportunity to speak in front of a group of people, when I am in deep conversation with friends or when I share a profound insight online. The response has always been overwhelmingly positive. However, thus far in my experience of life the expression of who I truly am has been limited to small spurts. As a result this has created a significant disharmony within myself. I can feel the constricted energy in me every day. I can feel how the flow of it is blocked and it is painful mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. I know who I truly am and exactly why I chose to incarnate on this specific planet. Over the past 6 years on my path of spiritual awakening I have had multiple nondual unitive experiences and yet I still run from my True Self. Why is this? I know that this subconscious fear of my True Self is a result of a core subconscious belief or a faulty definition that I have been operating with. My question is what core belief or definition do I have that is causing me to fear my own ability and greatness in life? Whenever I have expressed my gift for speaking and communicating knowledge, afterwards I will be overcome by a feeling of, “there’s no way you could possibly live up to that”, I feel that I subconsciously relegate my residual self-image to something that is small and meek, unable to inspire others and live a powerful and truly profound existence. The feeling is of not being good / skillful enough or being unworthy. It is almost as if I am subconsciously repressing the expression of my True Self. This is infuriating and makes no sense to me because on a deep level at the core of my being I know exactly who I truly am and why I am here. I can feel the resistance in me even as I write this; as if some part of me does not want me to find out and let go of whatever core belief or definition is causing this inauthentic and constricted expression of myself. I feel that this is the biggest obstacle that I have to full self-actualization. I feel that whatever core belief I have that is generating the fear of my own greatness is causing me to subconsciously self-sabotage and place myself in undesirable circumstances so that I do not fully realize expression of my gift in life and thusly keep the current fear based ego configuration and remain small and inauthentic in my expression in life. I feel that this will continue until I stop fearing my own greatness, until I stop avoiding my destiny, until I live fully as the expression of as who I truly am in this life. Why am I so afraid to be me?
  2. @Cepzeu This is great! Thank you!
  3. @Seeker_of_truth This is a great question! This is actually something I am integrating within myself currently. This question is a wonderful reflection and a shocking synchronicity for me on my journey right now. As the result of coming more into alignment with the Truths of what existence is and how it works it can often times seem that following the path of your highest passion and excitement and is at odds with the more “practical” aspects of life. I tell you this; nothing could ever be further from the Truth. In truth it is about alignment. I will elaborate. You chose to come into physical incarnation, you chose this exact version of Earth to live out this life and explore your particular life theme. Your soul has a Life Purpose that it would like to explore with this life that you are living. That life purpose is unique and integral to what and who you are at the core of your being and can only be actualized fully by you. Pay very close attention to the things you genuinely enjoy doing. It is within those activities that you innately enjoy that your Life Purpose is couched within. This is why it is of profound importance that you always follow your intuition and highest excitement in every second of every day and take it as far as you possibly can to the best of your ability. Because it is the feeling and emotion of being truly alive, of feeling really connected that you are able to more effectively and happily live as the human that you incarnated to be. It is best to abide in the present moment and in a place of beingness as fully as you can. We have often been erroneously taught in our society that doing what you truly love to do will not be able to support you. Or that you shouldn’t follow your highest joys because it isn’t practical. Many of the beliefs that the majority of people have are fear based and limiting; they are not even their own beliefs. Most of these limiting beliefs are the collective fear based beliefs of whatever society one is a part of. When people let these external beliefs into their subconscious it can cause them to unconsciously life in a fear based way and subsequently not live their lives as fully as they can. This is why it is profoundly important to always listen to one’s heart and intuition as the primary guidestones for one’s life. The reason being is that your soul/ higher self is always communicating with you and always has your best interests. The most direct way to perceive this is to listen to and live by the heart and intuition. If you can be mindful enough to get out of your mind and into your heart you will naturally find yourself living in a state of being that is more reflective of the person you truly know yourself to be. It is in that state of being that you will be able to perceive, intuit and feel all of the various avenues and paths that you will be able to take in order to be fully supported in this life doing what it is that is in alignment with the desires of your soul and what you truly love to do in this life. And being that reality is an exact reflection of your internal state of being if you live in this way in every moment of your life (which is very possible) then your reality will explode with many opportunities, avenues, and synchronicities that will come into your experience that will support you as it is reflecting your certainty, your knowingness within yourself that you are rooted within the ground of being, that you are loved, that you are supported. It would make no sense if the things that truly resonate with your soul could not fully support you in this life. We all have incarnated for a reason and that reason is our life purpose. Align yourself with that. For it is within the things we innately resonate with, the things that bring us true timeless joy that hold aspects of why we came here. You are absolutely correct in your point of view that our individual lives are pointless if we cannot fulfill the desires of the soul. Look within yourself to see if you have any fear based limiting beliefs or limiting definitions about this area of life. Really explore that. Once you remove fear based any limiting beliefs or limiting definitions and you listen to your heart and act on what truly resonates with your soul in every moment and take it as far as you can while being present with it; this is when you will truly see the magic of life and existence unfold before you in your life. Your soul/ higher self is always supporting you. I found this to be an incredibly powerful tool for helping me in this area. Choose Love in every moment. Always listen to your Heart. You may find these two questions to be helpful. What would a person who truly loves themself do in this moment? Are you acting on your highest excitement in every moment and taking it as far as you possibly can, to the best of your ability, with absolutely zero expectation of the outcome? Sorry for taking so long to answer you. I was integrating my own recent experiences and I really wanted to give you a high quality answer. Let me know if you got some value from this and what you think.
  4. @bejapuskas Exactly. Truth is far beyond the realm of the physical mind.
  5. @TrippyMindSubstance No. This experience was entirely sober and happened spontaneously. I have used psychedelics many times in the past and have had profound nondual experiences with them. However I have also had many meditative and spontaneous nondual experiences as well, and this happened to be one of them. There are people who have had similar experiences while using psychedelics such as LSD, MDMA and 5-MeO-DMT though.
  6. @Seeker_of_truth Wow thanks! However I do want to make it clear that I am not fully awakened. I have awakened parts of myself but full nondual realization is something I have yet to experience and integrate fully into my being. With that being said, do you still want my perspective pertaining to your question?
  7. @lostmedstudent Wow! For your first time doing that visualization you went quite deep. I find it interesting that when you were exploring your fear during the process you had a sensation in your heart chakra and also in your solar plexus chakra. As I said I am not too knowledgeable on the chakras but I think that it would greatly serve you to explore that. I read your Ayahuasca trip report. I just want to say that everything you experienced is valid and that you peered into some of the functions of how reality actually works. If you continue on the path of discovering Truth that you will have many more deep and profound awakening experiences. And you will overcome this panic inducing fear of death that you have. It’s only a matter of time, as long as you continue on the journey of nondual realization. I think one of the most important aspects of this for you to explore is to LET GO. Really explore what that means. I think it could lead to some profound openings. Some books that helped me on my journey involving shadow work are: Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen LaBerge Various books from Ken Wilber (In particular The Religion of Tomorrow) Many of Teal Swan’s Videos also helped. (Book recommendation Shadows Before Dawn)
  8. @lostmedstudent Take it slow there is no rush. Shadow work is a long process that takes years. It took me 2 years with no days off, of working through my shadows to finally be free of most of them. The few shadows that remain are minuscule compared to what they once were years ago. This progress in shadow work is after 4 years of dedicated nondual practice and daily 1 hour meditations. So basically 6 years total of self work so far. This stuff goes so deep that when we do work through our shadows and overcome our limiting beliefs I truly believe that we change on a molecular level in our DNA. Pacing yourself and knowing how deep you are ready to go and how deep you are willing to go can serve you very well in this process. Work with it, all of creation is infinite intelligence. With that being said sometimes when I have silenced my mind after meditation I will inquire about a fear or shadow and "talk" to it, just to see how I can get to the root of it without demonizing it, just seeing it for what it is. As far as your fear of death is concerned diving headfirst into it with psychedelics might make the fear even bigger because surrendering when you're surrounded by deadly looking psychedelic appearances can be overwhelmingly difficult without the proper preparation. Take it slowly, pace yourself in this. All fear can only occur when we turn away from Love. You are Love. You are Infinity. This might sound weird but the fear of death is the exact same thing as being afraid of infinity; which is the exact same thing as being afraid of what you truly are. I am not sure how deep your psychedelic experiences have been or if you have experienced infinity from nondual experiences but having that experience will change your entire perspective on the concept of death. There really is no such thing as death, just transformation of consciousness. I say this even after experiencing the closest person to me in this life passing away. Its like a bubble popping and the air that was within the bubble merging back into the atmosphere from where it originated. All fear exists in the mind only. The heart knows no fear.
  9. @bejapuskas Alright, for example on one of my most profound experiences with psilocybin mushrooms I went into the trip feeling that I had fully let go of my personal desires and would let the substance take over. However early on in the trip as my conscious awareness began to leave this physical realm I was still holding onto the desire for knowledge, the desire to understand, the desire to get something from the experience and bring it back with me. I had so many questions. The psilocybin however quickly taught me how to let go fully by summoning hundreds of demons around me that ripped me apart and ate me piece by piece in the psychedelic realm. It was terrifying to say the least. But quite quickly I accepted that there was nothing that I could do and that I was going to die, and I was ok with that. As soon as this happened the demons were transformed into a sea of infinite bliss. Later in that same trip I visited an infinite library of love and light containing all of the knowledge in the multiverse known as the Akashic Records. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced and I will remember that experience for the rest of my life. So to sum it up I was taught how to truly let go and my appreciation for knowledge was met in this trip; I would have never been able to experience the Akashic Records if I did not give up my grasping desire for knowledge. After this psychedelic experience my life was changed forever.
  10. @Nahm Thank you. It feels better than I could have ever imagined.
  11. @lostmedstudent Positive and negative visualization can go very deep and can be very powerful when used consistently. Before I started using psychedelics for my development this was my most used tool for shadow work. Essentially I treat it as a meditation, usually between 30 minutes to an hour. The primary difference is that I choose a theme of myself to explore. For example if I had a fear regarding something whatever it may be I would visualize the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen in relation to that fear happening. I would basically visualize the absolute darkest and lowest point I could regarding that fear and just sit there with all of the images that the mind brings up. If you go deep enough this can be terrifying. However I will then switch to positive visualization in relation to the particular fear. I will visualize the most beautiful, liberating and loving things I possibly can about whatever it is i'm focusing on. If you go deep enough you can come to intense bliss. As I reach the absolute most beautiful, and heavenly visualizations I possibly can in relation to overcoming and working through that fear I just sit there with it. I will sit there in both the positive and negative states until I feel I am ready to switch. I do this process of cycling between positive and negative until I am completely ok with whatever comes up. I do it until the images of heaven and hell no longer move me. And once i'm ok with everything that arises then I bring the visualization to a close. It took me a while to get used to it but it has helped me to clear up a lot of my shadows. Regarding psychedelics, I have "died", (had the experience of ego death) a few times in deep psychedelic trips and I just want to let you know that those experiences are only scary if you hold on to something. If you truly let go and are ok with being totally annihilated you'll instantly be plunged into a sea of bliss and infinite beauty. You will feel freedom and awe beyond words. That is how my deeper trips have been. This may sound crazy but these substances and the experiences they produce have a kind of "intelligence" to them. They will look out for you if you respect them. If you take them with the purpose of inner development they will know that, and they will show you exactly what you need for your highest growth and development in life. As long as you let go and know that it is all always ok, you will be fine.
  12. @Loving Radiance That is a brilliant question. I wouldn't label it as a particular phase but a way of thinking. In my experience anytime I find myself enamored in survival concerns I immediately shrink down and compress into an ego. There is a clouding of my perception and subsequently a turning away from love. Over the past 3 or 4 years I have had many opportunities to bring this up and work through it as it all boils down to fear based belief systems causing superfluous ego identification. In truth the the most direct and joyful way to live in Love is to be guided by intuition. Something that I have only come to understand recently is that the soul is always guiding us at every second of our existence, all we have to do is quiet the mind so we can hear what the heart feels is best to do in this life and once we come into alignment with that we can then live from a place of ever present intuitive guidance from the soul.
  13. @bejapuskas Haha that was funny. Mind doesn't want to accept reality but the self always knows the Truth even if its buried.
  14. @Ar_Senses Thank you for reading it! As far as the shadow work techniques I've done so far there have been very many but I will list the ones which have been most beneficial to me. Positive and negative visualization, Journaling, taking psychedelics with the intention working through shadows and dreaming to an extent have been the most beneficial tools for shadow work I have used. I use positive and negative visualizations in my meditations in order to reach the deepest and darkest depths of my psyche and delve deeply into neuroses and bring up things that are quite painful to the surface. This can be quite difficult because it can lead to emotional fatigue as the exact emotions of whatever arises are brought up and depending on the experience it can be quite unpleasant but very powerful because it basically puts it in your face and you can’t run away from it or logic yourself out of it. I have kept several journals over the past 3 years and I use them to write down all of the thoughts that come up in my mind and to document my journey to see how far I have come thus far in my awakening. For me it has helped immensely to write what I might be working through and to better process any and all inner demons that I intentionally bring up to the surface. Taking psychedelics is another powerful way to get to the root belief that most shadows are founded upon and uproot them swiftly. I am very sensitive to them and so a little bit of a substance goes a long way for me. I have seen demons, black voids, and many things that most people would label as a bad trip but all of my trip experiences have been overwhelmingly positive because I always completely let go and let the substance show me exactly what it is I need to see for my highest growth and development. Lastly keeping a dream journal has helped me to see the patterns which recur in the various dreams I have every night. Once one can see these patterns they can quickly find the root of shadows and work through them in a way that harmonious. In my opinion combining this with lucid dreaming this has been the most tranquil way of working through shadows, however it’s not the most reliable for me because I am not the most experienced lucid dreamer.
  15. @Empty Thank you for taking the time to read. I appreciate it!