Search the Community

Table of Contents Part 1 Ok so this journal is going to be closed but before I do that, I thought I'd make a table of contents of sorts so I can find my way around here if I want to reference this journal in the future. Page 1 Bad Systems, Not Bad People Blinding Joy Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.1 Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.2 Shadows and the Cobwebs of My Mind Pt.3 Being the One Who Gives More I've been in a particular mood lately Lately I Haven't Felt Very Joyful Bright Eyed Bushy Tailed Energy Looking Back a Few Days Ago.... This is Random But.... Desired Career Paths Stillness Page 2 Self Development Won't Make You a Better Person Interrupting Cynicism Two Parts to Self-Esteem Giving All the Fucks in All the Wrong Places... Increasing My Level of Well Being Starting Classes Again First Day of Classes God is Consciousness, You are God First Day of Classes Part 2 Page 3 Human Interaction Something I'm Trying to Integrate: You Don't Have to be Special Cravings: My Journey with Food Adult Brain, Childhood Feelings 9 Stages of Ego Development: Reflections CHUG THE SELF-LOVE JUICE Pumpkin Spice Lattes Re-Evaluating My Life Purpose Resistance to Discipline Stability Fetish Understanding Ego Backlash Cheat Codes to Life 12 Jungian Archetypes 12 Jungian Archetypes: Reflection 12 Jungian Archetypes: Where to go From Here Meme Historian Using Fashion for Self Development The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 1 Page 4 The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 2 The Ways I've Grown at 20 Part 3 Smart = Safety Conscious Unconsciousness Tik Toks and Videos That Just Make Me Happy More Things I Need to Integrate Downward Spiral TW: Suicide Coming Back Up The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages (Green and Yellow) Mental Health Under Late Stage Capitalism Productivity as a Part of Trauma How to stop procrastinating: Noah Elkrief The Brilliance of My Self Deception Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem Talking w/ Contrapoints - The Left, Voting, & Pessimism Reasons Why I Procrastinate Page 5 Increasing My Level of Well Being Phone-a-Friend Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 1: How I Ended Up Here Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 2: Being the "Good Kid" Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 3: The Larger Systems at Play Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 4: I am Here, I am Present Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 5: A Need for Gentleness Actualizing in a Psych Ward Part 6: Moving on Up Gentleness and Discipline

Yep but... but what else is there other then dreaming? When hasn't life been a dream? When will it ever not be a dream? Is your work really beyond dreaming? Or is it just part of the dream? Can you really transcend the dream? How can you not dream? Not dreaming is like not being. "take everyone with you" ? Lol IDK Its more then just things "seeming to exist", awakening, crossing that threshold, is part of the dream. You come back from those trips where you cross the threshold, and that trip, that awakening, that realization, integrates with the dream. "if you keep dreaming stuff seems to exist" gets embedded into the dream. you've been here for eternity, you've crossed that threshold before. And here you are. Even if you reckon you'll achieve mahasamadhi, and physically die, and dissolve into a place where there's no time, no memory of anything in this world. After an infinite amount of time, you'll slowly get to a point where you'll dream up a time or equivalent. And this eternal dissolving forever and forgetting things, it doesn't need mahasamadhi, ive been there multiple times with trips ive had. I've been gone for millions of years, and here i am again. How do you know that crossing this threshold isn't just gonna give you a bigger awakening for this world? Like doesn't every awakening feel like you're gonna physically die and never come back? Or at least never come back to this life, what makes this one so special. Physical death is something i guess a lot of us don't want, we want the pseudo psychedelic or yoga/meditation death where you come back to this world afterwards. But really, the only thing that makes physical death so much more worse then ego death is its more destructive and horrible. Its not more true. Its like how we would prefer to keep our plates in the pantry instead of throwing them on the ground and breaking them, or preferring not to rape someone. We don't wanna throw plates on the ground, not because its more true, but because it sucks. Same with raping someone. So when you cross this threshold, will you really never come back? Is never coming back a requirement of truth, or rather is it simply a product of ignorance and unconsciousness, look at the people who physically die, they aren't the ones who know more about reality, they are the ignorant ones. Heck people even commit suicide. What you're so scared of doing, is something people who are a trillion times more ignorant then you, doing off of a whim. Maybe im misinterpreting you, and you aren't talking about physical death, but a special case of an awakening which will end the dream forever. I'm trying to understand what you're saying, but "ending the dream forever" sounds much more like a blockbuster movie then an actual awakening, in other words, sounds part of the dream.

I disagree. A large scale conventional war will happen sooner or later. And the losing side will start using nukes. Don't underestimate how evil and insane some people are. Not everyone think like you do, it should be obvious at this point.. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_traps_for_intelligence_analysis "The analyst's country (or organization) is not identical to that of their opponent. One error is to mirror-image the opposition, assuming it will act the same as one's country and culture would under the same circumstances. It seemed inconceivable to the U.S. planners in 1941 that the Japanese would be so foolish to attack a power whose resources so exceeded those of Japan, thus virtually guaranteeing defeat. In like manner, no analyst in US Navy force protection conceived of an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer such as the USS Cole being attacked with a small suicide boat, much like those the Japanese planned to use extensively against invasion forces during World War II. An opponent's cultural framework affects its approach to technology. That complicates the task of one's own analysts in assessing the opponent's resources, how they may be used and defining intelligence targets accordingly. Mirror-imaging, committing to a set of common assumptions rather than challenging those assumptions, has figured in numerous intelligence failures. Opponents are not always rational. They may have a greater risk tolerance than one's own country."

@Nahm I do stop focusing on them more than I focus on them but sometimes when I do that it makes me think that I'm escaping to face the truth but I do stop focusing on them anyway because some of these thoughts as I said makes me think of suicide which I don't like cause I've done one suicide before which was before I got into spirituality and even the thought of it scares me but I know deep down I wouldn't do it because I don't see a reason for doing it but still some of these thoughts as I said freaks me out that it's possible to interpret some reason for doing it for me and I think that's what scares me the most when I think about absolute infinity and every possibility

@Vivaldo Suicide is an action driven by impurities. Impurities comprised of egoic defence responses to the various traumas of life. These impurities are like parasites upon us, and therefore are not us. We find ourselves in our intuition. Our intuition, or soul, is what is left once we are stripped of our impurities. And our intuition would generally never direct us to end our own lives. Therefore, generally we would never direct ourselves to end our own lives. Therefore, generally, no one ever commits suicides. It is their parasitical impurities that end up killing them. NB: I use generally in extreme circumstances, such as an act of heroism.

@Vivaldo You cannot escape life. you will just take another form and another identity. So if you killed yourself, your consciousness will find a new "host" for it. You cannot escape life by killing the body. But you can escape your current body. But don't give up on life yet. premature suicide carries its own karma.

You dont want to die, you want to live better. Suicide is when you want to get away from uncomfortable feelings like depression and anxiety, the egos fantasy is that in death it will find relief, why not find relief here in life, change the feelings in your body and you will not want to die. Source: Was suicidal on and off for 10 years.

@Vivaldo There is nothing in death that cannot be in life. I don't say that as if I knew what death is, but because I know what life is. A boundless dream. You are as free to live in joy as you are to commit suicide.

That it would cause massive suffering to those who are close to you. In my opinion that's the strongest argument. But if someone is selfish then of course that argument is useless. And personally I think that maybe we are here to learn and grow, and that suicide would disrupt that process.

@RoerAmit if you're feeling suicidal or this seems too much to handle by yourself please see a professional like your doctor or ring one of the suicide helplines. It sounds like you're going through a process of the suppressed trauma coming to the surface and the emotions need to find expression, but if you let it move, cry or whatever you need, it should gradually subside. Like the five stages of grief: emotions: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For now I'd recommend just focusing on your emotional healing and taking care of your mental health, with whatever support you've got available. Build up a strong healthy happy self. The spiritual work of deconstructing ego needs to wait imo.

Freedom. But what’s the point of that? Absolutely no point at all. No reason = love = freedom. There’s no meaning to anything at all — if there were, that would be a condition; a constraint, and not absolute boundless freedom. This is already the great completion. The so-called end of the dream (enlightenment) is simply the end of the experience that there are objectively better or worse separate things. The end of mystical & ordinary as being the slightest bit separate. There are already no objectively better or worse separate things, and no experiencer separate from everything. So there never was a dream. And nothing to overcome. Nothing needs to be overcome, already. And the story never ends — only the relationship to it ends. If there were a way, it would be <insert famous last words>. Nothing can be done to get closer to completion — it’s all there is. Even the dream is completion. The end of the dream really is just like going to sleep and never waking up, from the perspective of the experiencer who seems to have a life of meaning and purpose — it would never end it by choice, especially if it could know what the end of the dream meant; it can’t imagine what it’s like for the worst experience to be absolutely equanimous with the best; indeed, no one knows what that’s like. Even if attempting suicide, the experiencer never assumes that death will mean absolute equanimity of all happenings — it generally thinks it will be something like peace, or just something different (better or less-bad), etc.

@Javfly33 I am convinced that after 1-3 trips someone can quit their drug of choice. The increased level of awareness will make you sick to your stomach when you realize the damage you're doing to yourself. For me, when i was smoking weed, it was impossible to continue doing it under the influence of magic mushrooms. Because i was fully aware of all the BS my mind constructed to keep me locked in into that addiction. Yes the relapse is possible. But still psychedelics are the faster way i know someone can get shook to their core and end their drug use. It is obviously that this psychiatrist no matter how intelligent appears to be has 0 experience with psychedelics, therefore she cannot appreciate the power of these substances. I am convinced that in the next 50 years psychedelics will render psychiatrists useless. They are already useless for the most part. This is why they end up commiting suicide.

As for your first two paragraphs, you are right I am not really being a hypocrite. I am describing what my thoughts show me and I don't react by acting on these thoughts. My avoidance of hypocrisy is part of the situation I am describing. I didn't actually gossip or yell in retaliation, but it came up in my thoughts. I have a history of paying my thoughts too much credence. As for the process of releasing, it is very similar to meditation. I sit down as strong memories begin to come up. It can include harsh self judgement which is the flip side of blaming others. Another example is the desire to live and the desire to die which are in conflict with each other when someone hesitates to commit suicide. Instead of calling the desire to kill yourself wrong, you welcome any intense feelings which come up and do the same with your desire to live. As you sit there and allow the emotions and wants to be, you allow them to flow through you while recognizing your rejection of these thoughts and images as well as your attachment. As you do this your thoughts will be fine to pass by without as much power over you and emotional turmoil as there was before. This creates a state of inner clarity. It helps to recognize how your thoughts are a form of love so you don't hate them and fight them.

only true cause of death is birth. Anything that is born will die. Everything that is created will be destroyed. When it comes to so-called "causes of death", the rest is at best merely a matter of perspective, if not a deceptive shell game. For example, consider a cigarette smoker who dies with lung cancer shortly after catching the common cold. Would it even make sense to debate about whether the so-called "cause of death" was (1) cigarettes, (2) suicide, (3) lung cancer, or (4) the common cold? I propose that it would make no sense to have such a debate or to assert that one of those is or could be the cause. No human can be saved from death. Thus, nothing else causes a human to die because the death is inevitable from the birth. The human will die regardless of whether they smoke, whether they catch a cold, whether they get lung cancer, whether they drive a motorcycle, whether they are suicidal, or whether they desperately cling to life in terrified fear of death. Neither the presence nor absence of any of those things--or any other things like them--will prevent the person from dying. Thus, those things and anything like them cannot be a true cause of death. One could argue instead that a given event or factor (e.g. the presence of smoking versus non-smoking) would speed up the time of the death. Slightly accelerating or postponing the timing of something is very different than causing it. Moreover, analogous to accelerations or decelerations in Newtonian physics, these factors are cumulative not mutually exclusive, and are thus in practice immeasurable and countless if not infinite. For example, if 8 dogs are pulling a sled, it does not make sense to say which dog is the cause of the sled moving, nor is it true that only the dogs are responsible for the sled moving. Rather, there are countless and presumably infinite factors at play, such as but not limited to friction, gravity, the weather, and how much the guy riding the sled ate for breakfast. Imagine the proverbial sled is going down a steep ice-hill, having black-hole-like properties, and thus the sled will reach its destination very soon regardless of any of those other factors, and some of the dogs are futilely trying to pull the sled up the hill but can only at best slightly decrease the rate of acceleration. That would be a more accurate analogy to anything attempting to prevent human death, such as exercising daily instead of smoking cigarettes daily. There is no preventing death, and no practical way to significantly change to its timing on cosmological scales. The length of a human life is but an itsy bitsy teeny tiny sliver in cosmological spacetime. As a human, each of us is going to die very soon. Every human dies quickly. There is no cause of death, besides birth itself. Once born, the death is inevitable. We are going down the black-hole-like ice-hill quickly, from birth to death, and no dog can reverse the trajectory. When one of us humans reach the bottom of the ice-hill (human death), it is absurd and nonsensical, worse than false, to point to any one dog, or even a few dogs, or even dogs as a whole versus gravity or what the sled rider ate, and accuse that thing of being the cause. It doesn't matter what any of the dogs did, and what the rider ate or didn't eat, and thus those kinds of things cannot logically be considered causes. If you take the cause away, then the result cannot happen. Therefore, if you take an alleged cause away, and the result does still happen, then the alleged cause is no true cause at all, reductio ad absurdum. Thus, the only cause of death is birth.

I know that educated discrepancy can be easily mistaken in such a hot topic. But I am going to say a few things about this. Only facts, because I don´t care about opinions. If somebody wants to reply, I´ll gladly read his/her comments, but if he/she only has words they heared in the TV to share, such as "negationist", just breath and don´t say it. I´ve dedicated thousands of hours since March 2020 to study the data, science, and every bit of interesting information, apart from being in touch with highly respected specialists. I mean, REAL specialists. 1/ I am astonished at people saying he´s an idiot because he did not take the vaccine so he got the Covid as a well deserved effect... Vaccines don´t prevent infection, don´t avoid transmission to the unvaccinated or to other vaccinated individuals. Actually, as the percentage of vaccinated population grows, the obvious effect is that most (by far) of the new infected are already vaccinated. In some places in my country, where 70% are vaccinated, basically almost every infection happened in a vaccinated individual. Vaccines offer immunity, not total protection (no, they are not synonimous). That means that it creates a defensive team to help the immune system in the duty of recognizing and attacking antigens, so the infection in frail people might be softer. That´s its strenght. 2/ The infection Fatality Rate, even in the worst moments of the 1ST, 2ND waves, was as low as 0,03% in ages 0-70, which the media "confused" with Case Fatality Rate or even raw mortality for the sake of taking advantage of general panic. Up until 45/50, the IFR was similar-lower than that of the flu. So calm down, guys. For a healthy immune system, the infection of Sars-CoV-2 is probably never going to even become COVID (again, no, infection from "Sars..." and "Covid" are not synonimous), and when it does, it most likely feel like a flu or even milder. Sick, frail old people are the aim of Covid in a extremely high percentage. For most, there is nothing to worry about. These are facts, not opinions. 3/ No, Covid has not killed millions. The first thing to check is the way countries tag deaths as "death BY Covid". It has been a total fraud. That does not mean Covid does not exist. It means that it has been grossly exaggerated, because the media know that 99% of people are too lazy to just ask how you enter the "Covid list". For you to have a fair idea: in the UK, if you ever have a positive PCR (we could talk A LOT about PCR´s, but it´s not the right moment), you join a "Covid positive list". If you die by whatever cause (yes, even suicide or getting strangled by a thug) your name gets cross-checked. If you appear in the "Covid positive list", you enter the official "death BY Covid" list. As two scientists discovered it and were shocked by the manipulation, they complied. The aftermath was that the health authorities kept the same method, but restricting it to 28 days after the positive PCR. Which means if you die by whatever cause (cancer, stroke, getting run over by a bus) within 28 days after the +PCR, you enter the "death BY Covid list". What´s the name for this, if not scam? Especially when we know that a group of scientists complained that if they kept this same accounting system after general vaccination, people would stop believing in their efficacy, because the "body count" number wouldn´t go down after vaccination, as any death with a +PCR would still be considered as "Covid death". You might say "well, this is just in the UK". No. You guys are mostly from the USA. Well, I don´t know how you did not check the stats of your own country, because I did it, for the sake of knowledge. The CDC stats clearly show that only 6% of the "Covid deaths" are purely so. It is explicitely written in the official site. Also, you can see that the reportedly official "Covid deaths" figures is actually the sum of flu+pneumonia+Covid, while the "Covid only" is that 6 %. These are facts. In Germany or Spain it is even worse. I live in Spain, and it was just pure madness. Every-fucking-body who died in 2020 in a hospital was tagged as Covid when there was a +PCR (which is crazy enough by itself...), but when we didn´t even have enough PCR´s (first half of the year), anybody who died with respiratory difficulties was a "Covid death" (who dies without breathing difficulties?) I have three close personal cases that are perfect examples of it. In Germany it is stated that 80% of the reported figures are actually people who died many weeks after the +PCR. Italy? One of the main scientific advisors of the government recognized that if he had to do it again, only 12% would have been tagged as "Covid deaths" This has been going on around the world, and it might come down as one of the biggest manipulations of all time. Those scientists and experts I talked with are both scared and astonished that they could have pulled this off. Again, this does not mean negation of a disease that can kill frail people. It is a total negation of the official narrative, which is an insult to our intelligences. And I say this after reading dozens of papers and absorbed thousands of pages of good information. Not "official", not "alternative", but good, serious information. 4/ Regarding vaccines: Yesterday I talked with one of the foremost experts in Spain. He is TOTALLY for them. Totally. And I don´t have anything but mad respect for his knowledge and intelligence. If he says they are working, they are. But even here the manipulation is unbearable. Why? Well, the UK health authorities and the Spanish ones have already stated that all those reported deaths (thousands) as a side effect of vaccines are not the direct effect of vaccination, but of the frail immune system of the deceassd, which are old and have comorbidities. So, if you die at age 88, with a positive PCR plus cancer and poor general health, you died BY Covid. If you die at age 88, with full vaccination, cancer and poor general health, you die because you are old and frail. If they used this second method with the "Covid death" tagging, we would have never ever heared about such thing as a disease called "Covid". The fact that this does not enrage intelligent people is beyond me. 5/My stance on vaccines? Yes, they seem to have worked fairly well with the old and frail.That´s great news. Great. The long-term consequences? We´ll have to wait. It is true, and I know this for a fact, that the concentration of spike protein in marrow, liver, ovaries, etc., hours after the vaccines who rely on messenger ARN (Pfizer, Moderna) is extremely high and worrying. Again, that is a fact. So as my health is excellent, I have nothing to worry about Covid, and no, I won´t get vaccinated. That does not mean I am anti-vaxx. I have more than my fair amount of them, and I even shot more than the usual ones. But there is no objective need to do it except you have previous risk factors that could turn Covid into a serious disease, even deadly. And vaccinating kids is close to Humanity crimes. And yes, "my" experts all agree. Oh, and in spite of blindly attacking anyone who has a good reason to not get the jab, I suggest you to read the scientific report the english government requested to a infectious disease experts organization: there it clearly states that (I´m speaking from memory), 95% of the Covid-related deceased will be fully vaccinated individuals who could not stand the vaccine. You won´t see this in the news, will you? 6/So, guys, things are not black and white. Study the case as seriously as you meditate.

@mandyjw I watched the video you sent and found the model useful. It reminds me of opposite desires which can conflict with each other. One example is with suicide. One form of love is to end your suffering and the other form of love is to hesitate to commit suicide. In a sense neither of them are wrong or evil if they are both love. This is the desire to live and the desire to die conflicting with each other. When I realize this I release both desires and I found it very effective. To moralize against suicide only leads to suppression which does not fully resolve the desire to die. As a result I had a lot of intense backsliding in the past. This form of suppression is love just like releasing. As for the examples in the video, I notice in my experience how people over compensate for one negative emotion. I saw it in chess club when I was undefeated, won several tournaments, and took home money. The people in chess club felt inadequate or like they did not stand a chance against me. I could tell they were covering this up when they came to me and started boasting about how they are going to crush me. They are feigning overconfidence and it is not hard to see through it. Again, the way in which people attempt to compensate for their emotions is still a form of love if the person thinks that one emotional experience would be better than the other. I notice part of the model applying to myself when I see blame and regret. In a situation involving domestic violence and drug addiction I blamed myself for thinking of killing my step father. When that made me judge myself harshly, I wanted to blame something external. This becomes an act of swinging the pendulum and it makes my thinking very inconsistent and sometimes nonsensical. Now that I understand better ways to approach these emotions, I don't swing the pendulum, instead I meditate and release both desires. I still don't fully understand the nature of thought and how it becomes hypocritical. Maybe in order to have these thoughts, the thoughts must pretend to be something they are not? For example, I feign overconfidence to pretend I am not feeling inadequate. If I am judgemental of myself, then I pretend not to be judgemental of others and vice versa. I experienced this one a lot and it never felt right. Another example is when I have a desire to be separate from others, but also the desire to be part of a group of community. These conflicting desires lead to further emotional turmoil. If I release both sides, I end up peaceful, and the thought that I am peaceful pretends I am not unpeaceful. This creates a sense of uneasiness and inner conflict. It indicates a desire to not be peaceful conflicting with a desire to be peaceful. When I noticed all of these examples in myself, I thought that it was all a consequence of self manipulation and that I was hurting myself on purpose. I felt out of control of the emotional chaos going on in me which eventually lead to suicidal thoughts. I also thought that This condition was unique to myself and not others. After sharing some of my experiences with my brother who has suicidal thoughts, he found many of the angles I looked at the issue from helpful. This helped to ease his emotional problems as well. In one example, morality is problematic if I must be good but not bad. This becomes a mask which is inevitably insincere, and in a sense a deception and therefore immoral. I have many other coping mechanisms others found useful such as acknowledging and accepting destructive, morbid, or sexual curiosity which leads to various fantasies. By recognizing that there is a part of me that wants to have them, they no longer become something to be afraid of, whereas before it became an inner war. Am I in the ballpark in terms of this insight? Is this phenomenon more common than I previously assumed? I'm any case I don't see a reason to be mad at myself for any of these things or how I reacted to these thoughts on the past. I also notice that when criticizing others it becomes very tempting to mimic their behavior, possibly because my thoughts are focused on the behavior. If every thought Is creative, then the logical conclusion is that I will feel an inner war when addressing qualities I don't like in others while denying the part of me that enjoys embodying that behavior. Perhaps an example would be a victim mindset in which somebody thinks "I was hurt, therefore I am justified in hurting others.". This is arbitrary and nonsensical, but people nevertheless think this way. For example, a person could be mistreated and decide to not treat others that way because of how it made them feel. There could be a subtle denial of the unfavorable quality being masked through the "good" actions and this comes from the desire to be separate from what was experienced. In this case the person is acting good but not bad. This insight seems a little tricky to grasp. Am I on the right track? By seeing that everything I did was love, I see no reason to be mad at myself for anything. This includes my desire to be in control which is reinforced by a sense of me doing things and then judging myself for those things. In this sense the entire act of judging myself was part of a massive deception in which I denied my sense of not being in control our of fear. This is what the desire to be in control can do to you if I am not the first one to realize this is happening to me. Because I thought it was unique I thought there was something wrong with me. Really there is no reason to be mad at myself for anything.

Let me be clear about what I mean: 1. Suffering is not your fault or your doing. 2. Suffering is not your fault or your doing. 3. Suffering is not your fault or your doing. 4. Suffering is not your fault or your doing. I have 24 more points but they are redundant. There's nothing to do about suffering, there's nothing to you could have done about it or can do in the future. Suffering is not something you do to yourself. The universe doesn't have a higher purpose from your suffering. Ask people who commited suicide. Witness the absurd amount of torture and suffering. You don't do that, god's will is instinctive. If God's will wasn't instinctive, why cause suffering? Calling it "GOOD" doesn't make it good, it's a totally different meaning. It's not feeling good. Why don't people who claim otherwise voluntarily put themselves through torture? Just to prove a point? Because they don't want the bad, they just call it a higher good. Nature is instinctive. God is not love.

@Marcel I can't open up about my suicide to you that easily. It takes a lot of time and intimate connection for me to be that vulnerable to be able to open up directly to you about something that hurt me all my life. I don't even open up with my family, let alone. My introversion doesn't allow me to open up with people at all. I only open up when all my guards are down and I'm totally intimate with the person I open up very slowly and gradually when the intimacy becomes stronger and I can feel comfortable being vulnerable I never used to express much to my ex boyfriends because they never gave me the chance even in months in the relationship My only way to open up my wounds is in a journal. Unfortunately people use this Vulnerability in journals to target and harass a person by using their personal life details against them

My second suicide attempt that I remember was when I was 14. I tried to burn myself by dousing myself in oil.. I poured oil all over me. But my family rescued me from burning. I was feeling depressed and my social anxiety was disrupting my life.

I think one of my suicide attempts happened when my father died. I didn't get my period for like 3 months after my father's death. The stress of his death had blocked my period. Whenever I suffer deep stress, I lose my periods. So this was a very vulnerable time in my life. I was grieving his death. I remember fighting with my family. I went straight to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and slashed my wrist.. I was bleeding from my wrist throughout the day and then my family came and put a plaster on my wrist to stop the bleeding. That was a major suicide attempt.

I just watched Biden's speech regarding the Kabul airport attacks today. I noticed he said the following: "We will not forgive. We will not forget. We will hunt you down and make you pay." I wasn't sure what to make of it from a spiral dynamics perspective. Is he regressing down the spiral, because of the emotion of the event? It sounds very stage red to me. Or is it a healthy and appropriate use of stage red in self-defence? I'm a Brit, so I won't know Joe Biden as well as many Americans, but I always thought of him as more compassionate and empathetic than that... Or maybe it would just be political suicide to say on live TV: "I forgive the terrorists".

"The list of governments, former government officials, and organizations in the region that have accused the US of supporting ISIS-K is expansive and includes the Russian government, the Iranian government, Syrian government media, Hezbollah, an Iraqi state-sponsored military outfit, and even former Afghan President Hamid Karzai, who called the group a “tool” of the United States as journalist Ben Norton recently noted, characterizing Karzai as “a former US puppet who later turned against the US, and knows many of its secrets.” So what exactly is ISIS-K and what is its history? After ISIS’s Afghanistan variant became a household name overnight following a suicide bombing at Kabul’s airport that killed more than 170 people and wounded more than 200, the group’s history demands renewed scrutiny." "CNN’s Clarissa Ward was even able to interview a “senior ISIS-K commander” two weeks before the attack who made these points. The “commander,” told CNN that the group was “lying low and waiting for its moment to strike.” While the US-backed government was still in power in Kabul, the ISIS-K “commander” told Ward that “it's no problem for him to get through checkpoints and come right into the capital.” He even let the CNN crew film his entrance into the city. In the absurd interview, CNN sat in a hotel room with the supposed ISIS-K leader and protected his identity. Ward asked him comically upfront questions like “are you interested, ultimately, in carrying out international attacks? In response to a question about their plans for expansion in Afghanistan following a US withdrawal, the “commander” said “instead of currently operating, we have turned to recruit only, to utilize the opportunity and to do our recruitment. But when the foreigners and people of the world leave Afghanistan, we can restart our operations.” "In short, the US knew an attack was coming, the attack happened, and then within 24 hours the US announced that they killed the perpetrator, saying “initial indications are that we killed the target.” "Researcher and commentator Hadi Nasrallah noted on Friday that the leader of the Middle East resistance group Hezbollah, “said that the US has been using helicopters to save ISIS terrorists from complete annihilation in Iraq and transporting them to Afghanistan to keep them as insurgents in Central Asia against Russia, China, and Iran.” Hezbollah is not the first player in the area to make the accusation of the US setting up a ratline via helicopter flights to Afghanistan for ISIS: Russia and Iran, which borders Afghanistan, have been for some time. As Hadi Nasrallah noted, Syra and Iraq have said more or less the same, with Syrian state media SANA saying in 2017 reporting that “US helicopters transported between 40 and 75 ISIS militants from Hasakah, North Syria to an ‘unknown area.’” As Hadi Nasrallah pointed out, “the same thing was reported for years in Iraq by the [Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces] along with reports that US helicopters dropped aid for ISIS.” Back in 2017 and 2018, Iranian and Russian officials had questions of their own. Chief of Iranian General Staff Major General Mohammad Hossein Baqeri accused the US of “relocating members of the Daesh (ISIS or ISIL) terrorist group to Afghanistan after their defeats in Iraq and Syria” in early February of 2018. “The Americans point to (the existence) of tensions in the southwest Asia region as an excuse for their presence in the region,” Major General Baqeri told reporters. Iran and Russia have “consistently allege[d]” that unmarked helicopters were flying into regions of Afghanistan where ISIS had a foothold. But as Javad Zarif pointed out in March 2018, “this time, it wasn't unmarked helicopters. They were American helicopters, taking Daesh out of Haska prison. Where did they take them? Now, we don't know where they took them, but we see the outcome. We see more and more violence in Pakistan, more and more violence in Afghanistan, taking a sectarian flavor.” In February 2018, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov implored the US to answer the question. “We still expecting from our American colleagues an answer to the repeatedly raised questions, questions that arose on the basis of public statements made by the leaders of some Afghan provinces, that unidentified helicopters, most likely helicopters to which NATO in one way or another is related, fly to the areas where the insurgents are based, and no one has been able to explain the reasons for these flights yet,” Lavrov said. “In general [the United States] tries to avoid answers to these legitimate questions.” Following Lavrov’s comments in 2018, General John Nicholson, the commander of NATO’s mission in Afghanistan, said that Russia was exaggerating the threat of ISIS in Afghanistan. “We see a narrative that's being used that grossly exaggerates the number of Isis [Islamic State group] fighters here," Gen. Nicholson told the BBC. "This narrative then is used as a justification for the Russians to legitimize the actions of the Taliban. This talking point was reinforced by Navy Captain Tom Groesbeck, the public affairs director of NATO’s Afghanistan mission, who said that US forces have “no evidence of any significant migration of IS-K foreign fighters. We see local fighters who switch allegiances to join ISIS for various reasons, but the Russian narrative grossly exaggerates the numbers of ISIS fighters that are in the country.” It appears that this week, the United States may be forced to eat its words. https://realalexrubi.substack.com/p/did-the-us-support-the-growth-of

I am in the process of building myself and my future. I am learning more about myself, cleaning up my shadow, becoming more responsible and grounded everyday. I often find myself fighting reality, wanting it to be different. I sometimes develop a deep anger at the way reality is designed. But, I also realize that had I seen reality more clearly since my youth and had the principles I am now aware of my life would be way better right now. That being said, I am putting in the work to set up a decent life and I have learned and uncovered a lot over the past 5 years, despite my many, many many failures and attempts at projects. I of course had many successes as well But, I also sense that because my main dream of being a musician just doesn't seem realistic anymore, I feel like dying. Everything else, though interesting feels like settling. I like my long term vision for though art, and I am making a lot of progress. But, existentially I wanted to make music for a living. But, I am so stupid and impulsive, and I lack strategy in my life I feel I have missed the boat. I am growing everyday, and I love my practices of studying, Qigong, journaling, meditation and reading self help books. I know if I keep doing this for the next 10-20 years I will have a great life built up. But, the fear of me putting all this work in and having things taken away from me, like they have in the past makes me feel scared, and I would rather just be nothing than face this fear anymore. Obviously addressing this fear is of utmost importance of my spiritual and personal development. But, I am just being open that I think about killing myself probably multiple times a week. I want life to be something that it isn't and until I accept that its this grindy, repetitive and scary thing where if you make a mistake you are fucked, idk. I don't trust God or reality given all the experiences I have had. It seems like life is so beautiful, but also so painful. I have discovered greater relaxation over the past months, and I am seeing my maturity, groundedness and mental health improve greatly. Yet, I am still wondering if it is worth it? When I see my failure to be the man I want to be, the partner, the student, the leader, the artist, the business person, the spiritual person I want to be... I feel a shame or disapointment in myself. I don't fully love or trust myself and I hate it. I obvisouly love myself and am fighting for a better future. I just need to hold on to brighter days. I mean, these days aren't so bad. But, I am just so scared of the future. I am scared of being delluded, being an asshole, harming others or disappointing people. I am scared of working a shitting 9-5, or being homeless, I am scared of being famous and successful. I would like to restart. I don't want to identify as being spiritual, good, moral, and expert etc. Because I am learning these types of people don't really exist and so much of what I thought people were or reality is, was illusion or cultural programming. I need to see myself as I am, but I feel like I am complex and have many aspects and layers to myself. Who am I to want to teach or lead others? Maybe in 5 years. I mean, I can still teach Qigong and share in my life experience with others. But, I am very imperfect. I am sure I wont commit suicide unless life gets really really bad. And, I think suicidal thoughts are me just wanting to really reconnect with source and transcend all this human painful behaviour. There is a lot of beauty in life and it is a miracle, and I enjoy my spiritual progress. Last night during Qigong I had a deep awakening in my heart for the first time. I know Qigong will continue to deepen as I practice and I am excited to share it with others. But, I am if anything a wounded healer who is on my path. I want life to be a beautiful joyful, safe experience where I spend time doing what I enjoy with people I love. Anything less than that is a waste of time. I am scared I am unlovable, or that I do not deserve love. I feel like the me that isn't held back by fears is powerful, energetic, smart, loving, creative, and inspiring because I've embodied this many times over the past year. But, I also have trauma, toxic shame, fears etc... And my psyche is still weak and lacks perspective and nuance. I run so many horror films in my mind about how the future will be. I am working to reprogram my mind. I want to be healthy, happy and developed and share that with others. To share in the journey of growing with others. But, I also would like to take a long rest. Seeing the brutal nature, the dysfunction of society and all the hypocrisy makes me want to die. I just want to sing, do yoga, Qigong, contemplate, read self help and share my journey and music and tools with others and find a way to monetize it. But, I need to be a person of integrity, honesty and maturity to make that a reality and I think that might take a few years. It only takes one mistake to lose everything in certain contexts... So brutal is God

I was in the same position 2 years ago. This sucks and it is the worst. I was sure I was having a Kundalini awakening. I was spending my days sleeping or going to the hospital as it was the only place where I somewhat felt safe to not do anything crazy. I loved life, but I was completely lost in my mind. I can say it now, but back then I had no idea. I thought I had brain cancer, then that I was becoming enlightened, etc. I also hated when people were positive.. saying to see a therapist, "fuck that shit". This feeling was following me everywhere I go.. and even in my sleep, the only place where I was 'fine'. I finally turned myself in for suicide at the hospital.. Anyway, here's what happened after and hopefully that may open up a new possibility -I learned about a process called 'releasing'. It was created by Lester Levenson, then taught by The Sedona Method. I personally learned it from the guys at 'Fearlessman'. -I suffered, suffered, went into long periods of complete madness. I would have to reach so deep just to find a tiny bit of hope. I read Eckhart tolle books, listen to mooji, kept releasing, and started feeling 0.01% better each day. And thats the shit about suffering; it has to happen so you wake up from the illusion. All your suffering, even if it seems real, is just a bunch of 'stories/pattern' in your subconscious. YOU CAN CHANGE THAT!!! Trust me, you are NOT those feelings/thoughts -That's when I went back to the root of Labelling meditation to over and over and over and over detach myself from the 'pain'. -Then 'releasing' started to work even more, improving 1% each day. The only thing I can tell you is, dont give up, keep trying stuff until something works (even if just a tiny bit), then keep searching, keep looking. If you can, surround yourself with friends. Get coaching, find people who will help you; they are out there!

@Ilan Don't take psychedelics, if you have side effects from antipsychotics, talk about it to the psychiatrist. Psychedelics can worsen your situation, and your not stable. Especially if you're not stable psychedelics are going to worsen psychosis and schizophrenia. Leo said it. If you have troubles with psyche, don't take psychedelics. If you want to talk about awakening, ask a teacher who is familiar with what you're going through. Every teacher is going to tell you;"Keep taking your medication and do this and that". No stupid things! No spiritual or physical suicide!