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About soos_mite_ah

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    an anxious state of mind
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  1. The Female Gaze and Bro Movies: The Godfather Word for word I feel everything that Peter Griffin has to say. I know The Godfather is a classic but I honestly couldn't get into it. Like it's so drawn out and I have ADHD so it's over all not a good match for me. It really does insist on itself and takes forever to get into the plot. This movie has no business being 3 hours long. Long bro movies like these reminds me of the study that was conducted on whether men or women talk more. Over all the results were along the lines of this: When observing a class setting, whether you determine which sex talked more by the number of words people were using or by the duration people were speaking, by both metrics men talk more than women by a significant amount. Further studies suggest that overall which sex talks more is determined by context but even then, the notion that women talk soooo much usually circles back to the notion that the ideal woman is one who is quiet. And honestly, other than me having ADHD, I think I'm also at fault for not getting super into it because the main reason why I was watching this movie wasn't because I was interested in it rather it's because I found Al Pacino attractive. I mean.. the mans is fine but unlike the other two movies, I couldn't sit through this one. Also, he is a good actor. But my thing is that I need a face to use for the scenarios I make up in my head before falling asleep. So I can't just have my mans going around acting like a crazy person because that's just going to ruin things for me. It's also why I'm probably never going to watch Scarface. I know damn well that was one of his best performances and despite the fact that I've only seen a couple scenes here and there as they come up in my social media feeds (I follow a couple of fan accounts don't judge me lol), he embodies the worst, the most stank vibes in that movie because that's what the character calls for. I'm almost afraid is going to be same as how I feel about Timothee Chalamet. I'm pretty sure I would think he was cute if I had not watched his performance on Lady Bird. I don't know whether his acting or the casting was on point but either way, whenever I look at him, all I can see is a pretentious theater kid who will call me uncultured for not reading Hegel. Like I'm pretty sure he isn't like that in real life but in my mind he looks perpetually 17. So in conclusion, I'm probably not going to watch most of his movies since in many of them he ends up playing characters that are unhinged. This is going to be another tangent but I'm going to include it anyways. So there is a recurring joke on TikTok about how Gen Z hates the color brown. Some people attribute this to how a lot of houses in the early 2000s had faux Tuscan style home decor and we were all surrounded by brown to where now as adults we're tired of it. Like when I see these two pictures, I think of the following: every furniture ad between 2005-2012, getting yelled at over math homework, Karens who are divorcing their 2nd husband during the recession, and mid life crisis. I also think of those fake fruits that would be in the middle of the table and it reminds me of how squishy the fake grapes were. Like I was watching these tiktok laughing and then I looked at the couch that I was sitting at and realized that even though my parents didn't fully embrace this aesthetic, that there were still pieces of our home that looks like this. There were so many people I saw dragging this aesthetic to filth and how it reminded them of some of the things I listed above. Someone was like "why did all of our moms want the house to look like an Olive Garden?" Another person was like "this is Godfathercore" and that was probably one of the most cursed but accurate things that I read. I wouldn't be surprised if in 15-20 years that we would have a bunch of young adults hating the color white because they were constantly surrounded by the farmhouse aesthetic and the minimalist aesthetic growing up. But yeah tangent aside, one thing that I found satifying about the Godfather is how certain pop culture tropes made more sense. Turns out they weren't tropes rather they were just parodies. My favorite parody is probably this scene from Zootopia: Overall, even though I can't say I enjoyed the movie, I will say that I don't think the movie is bad. It's a good movie, it's just not meant for my tastes lol.
  2. Performative Bisexuality I really like this video and I also really liked the comments under here as well: "Instead of saying oh "it was just a phase", they should say "I was experimenting" or "I was questioning my sexuality". I feel like that's less harmful." "I hate how you can’t identify with a non-hetero sexuality without associating it with sex itself. Like I feel like straight people are seen with an innocence that lgbt+ people aren’t given. “Oh you like girls” is never about how you connect with other women on an emotional level. Telling someone you’re a gay man always brings questions about your sexual life. It’s so confusing how having a non-het sexuality is always fetishized, especially to young people figuring themselves out." "I remember one time I was on a date with a girl I met on Tinder. We went for a drink and then saw a pub that looked fun so we went there to dance. We were on a date, we liked each other, so we were just dancing and flirting a bit. Just like so many people do when going out. But there where so many men standing around us, clearly trying to hit on us and enjoying what they saw. We felt so incredibly uncomfortable that we went home soon after that. We weren't even doing that much, we were just dancing, but these men all acted like we did that for them. I'm still so mad, because no, we were not doing that for anyone but ourselves, because we liked each other and had a good time before being sexualized and objectified so much that we had to leave. BISEXUAL AND LESBIAN WOMEN ARE NOT THERE FOR THE PLEASURE OF HETEROSEXUAL MALES." "I feel like performative bisexuality really contributes to biphobia within the LGBTQ+ community, which just sucks and made me feel like i was unable to come out. To this day I have been unable to tell my parents because they think that everyone is “faking it for attention” just because that’s how it is in the media. I just want to tell all bisexuals out there that you are VALID, and no matter if you later come out as gay or pansexual or whatever, your journey is valid!"
  3. What is My Orientation? So far I'm at the following possibilities: Straight: I mean I'm pretty sure I like men. Question is, do I just like men or is there something more to the story? Demi-sexual: For those who don't know, demi-sexual is somewhere between asexual and sexual. It means that you're incapable of developing sexual attraction unless you have created an emotional bond with that person. If the emotional bond isn't there, you're basically asexual. When it comes to liking men physically, I noticed that a lot of the traits I'm attracted to usually can be traced back to someone I have had feelings for in the past. For example, I notice myself being attracted to guys who somewhat toned but skinny. Am I attracted to guys with this particular body type or am I only attracted to this body type because I developed an emotional bond with someone who has similar traits in the past? Do I actually like this, or do I only like it because it reminds me of someone. I'm going to use celebrity crushes as an example. I don't have them and I don't really find myself attracted to celebrities. But the two I do like, I'm pretty sure that I like them because they remind me of people in my regular life. If I didn't meet these people before, would I still be attracted to these two celebrities? I really don't know. Bisexual: This is one that I find hard to come to terms with, not because I think there is anything wrong with being bi, but because I don't want to be seen as a performative bisexual. I don't really find myself being attracted to women sexually. Sure I'm platonically and aesthetically attracted but sexually and romantically, it's a no for me. The only time I find women attractive sexually is in the context of a threesome. Also, there is a chance that the only reason why I'm into a threesome is because most porn is so boring to me as a woman to where the only way to make it more visually stimulating is to have more people involved. I don't really want to hook up with a woman otherwise. I don't know if this is internalized male gaze or rather than being attracted to women I sexualize them and see them as objects on some level. If it is either of those things and I'm not actually bi but I still go around telling people that I am, I'm pretty sure that would be harmful to the bisexual community and to women to a certain extent because I'm just feeding into stereotypes. I'm nervous about bringing this up and talking about it because I don't want to hurt other communities and perpetuate something harmful. I also feel like it would be an awkward conversation tbh if it's not at the right context. I don't think I know anyone who I feel comfortable enough with to bring this up.
  4. My Sexuality Exists in a Vacuum I feel like my sexuality is something that no one really knows about including myself. It's not that I'm actively trying to repress it or hide it rather it's more along the lines of the fact that I haven't been in any contexts where it could be expressed. I'm grateful for starting this journal to have some outlet of expression but there is this thing that I find myself running into. It's basically the whole thing of "if a tree falls and no one is there to hear it, did it really make a sound." I guess that's part of the reason why it's difficult to see myself in a romantic/ sexual and sometimes in a desirable light. There is only so much I can do if I don't have direct experience. A lot of the stuff that I have talked about in this journal about what I like is to an extent speculation because I haven't gone out and tried anything. It's always difficult to know what you're really like in a situation you've never experienced. I try to remind myself of two things. One, just because no one has seen a certain side of me doesn't mean it doesn't exist. To assume so is to assume that if something isn't verified by others it doesn't exist. It's not a really self assured way of going about the world because relies on the perception of others for existence. It's the equivalent of assuming that other people don't take a shit just because you haven't personally witnessed them taking one. And two, just because I haven't been in a situation where both parties had mutual feelings, doesn't mean that it can't happen in the future. To assume so is to be biased with the past and assume that something is going to continue happening just because it happened before. Truth is we don't know and patterns don't tell us everything about predictive patterns. Literally anything can happen since circumstances are changing continuously. Sure there is something to be said about inertia and patterns, but there is always the chance of something different happening as well. Basically the logic of my sexuality feeling nonexistent and me being undesirable because of how I didn't get attention growing up doesn't exactly check out. I can recognize these emotions, understand where they have come from and empathize with them while still recognizing that they are skewed.
  5. Fetishization isn't about liking a certain feature (as in being tall). It's about reducing a group of people down often to a bundle of stereotypes and sexualizing them as a way to gain power over them (as in seeing ethnic features as inherently less attractive or for example seeing black people as inherently more aggressive and masculine). There is also a historical implication as well that matches up to the stereotypes which makes fetishization inherently dehumanizing.
  6. As someone who has had to deal with quite a bit emotionally, I would say regarding growth, don't seek out suffering for the sake of suffering or for the sake of growth. I would say that if anything, given how easy your life is as you say, that means you have a really good foundation to do inner work. Commit to your life purpose, go out and experience life, build healthy and sustainable relationships with your friends and family. Let those experiences be your teachers.
  7. I agree with this. I was having a conversation with a few professors and we were talking about how career advice and how to approach different professional situations can differ given your background and what you're looking for. No, you're perfectly fine. These conversations are very much necessary both for my growth or for anyone who might come across this for similar experiences. Comments are always welcome and encouraged in my journals. That does make sense since there are a lot of costs associated with going through the hiring process, the training process etc. I guess the environment I'm in mainly has it's eyes set on the high level, highly compensated roles that tend to be cutthroat since they are in the best interest of the university (because students in high positions making a lot of money means more donations and more clout for the university) and they appeal to the desires of the student body (highly competitive stage orange people who won't hesitate to back stab you if they feel necessary).
  8. @PurpleTree Yes white women are racist if they only date white men for a sense of safety and familiarity but the same cannot be said about WOC because of things like power dynamics and history.
  9. Or here's another way of saying it that is both compassionate and firm: This is relationship is taking a toll on me. I feel like my energy is being drained and that my emotional and intellectual needs are not being met. I find it difficult to engage in a conversation that isn't about the things that you may be going through. While those experiences are valid, this relationship feels very off balance which isn't a healthy dynamic for either of us. I have tried to set boundaries before but I found myself feeling violated and unheard especially as someone who needs space and solitude. This relationship isn't sustainable for me given that a lot of my boundaries are being compromised. This is eroding me and I can't continue like this since much of my energy is going towards me sorting my own life out. Our dynamic feels incredibly stressful. As a result, I'm not going to respond to any more calls and texts. This is not something that is up to negotiation. Do not try to contact me. Using more "I" language as opposed to "you" language can help a person get their point across while not blaming the other person and while exercising emotional self awareness. It also helps in communicating because you aren't pointing fingers and you are speaking for yourself instead of exerting judgement on others. This in turn helps soften the blow while still being honest and straight forward. Finally, it calls attention to a person's actions rather than their character which would then help them not internalize their issues but still know what's going on so they can work on them. EDIT: for some reason I thought I was reading this in the relationships section while I was typing this out. I can delete this comment if you would like if this feels like unsolicited advice. I understand if you were just writing the above post to vent rather than communicate.
  10. I have and it's so incredibly helpful. I went in with a general issue which was to deal with the abuse I experienced as a child. Under that general issue, I had a lot of smaller, specific issues that I wanted to address ranging from building up my self esteem, focusing on school, coping with grief, healing my attachment style, setting boundaries and more. Therapy has given me a place where I can vent about my issues, whether they are things in the past or present, in a safe place without causing additional strain on my friendships. Don't get me wrong, their support is great and being emotionally open is important, but always going to them with heavy topics can weigh the relationship down. Once I started therapy, instead of constantly venting to other people, I had a designated professional listen to me once a week. Delegating my emotional intensity to a therapist opened up more room for more lighthearted conversations with my friends where we were having fun and relaxing. Going to therapy is also good because you have someone else questioning your biases for you so you don't go down the wrong path when you are contemplating something. It's a nice check to keep you accountable so you do what you need to do as far as coping skills go and so that you come up with valuable insights. I would also highly recommend journaling and studying the issues you are having problems with prior to your sessions and in between sessions so you can get the most out of therapy and not waste your time. For example, I know that I am dealing with childhood emotional neglect so I went ahead and watched a bunch of videos on it, took notes on things that resonated with me, and noted down instances in my life that caused the issue to manifest. This is something that is probably a bit much because I'm meticulous when it comes to these types of things, but my first exposure to therapy was through my college's health center. They only have a max of 8 therapy sessions per year. Before starting school, I made a word document that was 30 pages long on all of the abusive instances in my life, how it makes me feel, what issues it's causing me currently, and how I'm trying to deal with it. I unpacked each of those things in therapy and having that written down helped me stay on track and know what exactly I need to talk about. It streamlined the process significantly.
  11. @PurpleTree There are some black women who believe that they can avoid dealing with racism by either dating within their race or dating other POC than compared to dating white men. White women don't have to worry about being degraded for their race in the same way. I don't think WOC who think this way are racist, rather I think they are naive. You can still deal with a lot of racist and sexist bs from people from your own community. You can't avoid racism by simply avoiding white people.
  12. @MuadDib But what if you fucking up has less to do with you experimenting with different careers and more to do with issues in your personal life? Sometimes I feel like the things I have gone through, even if I have gained soft skills from them, don't really count because I shouldn't be so neurotic to where I would be struggling in the first place.
  13. Terrible Boomer Career Advice Here are some terrible pieces of advice that my dad, a boomer who hasn't applied to a job since the 90s and has been self employed for 20+ years, gave me that I think might be contributing to my imposter syndrome. Some of it isn't even due to him being a boomer rather it's probably him saying things to the extreme because he's reflecting his personal problems: Never advocate for yourself. Bend over backwards for your employers. If you don't do these things, you won't ever rise up the ranks and you may get fired. Don't have any boundaries at this age because your only priority should be work since you aren't married with kids yet. Shut up, do as you're told, and do everything ahead of time because if you don't deliver results as quickly as possible you will be fired. Go apply to jobs door to door to show people you're a serious applicant. Never apply to jobs online. Also, follow up with people by calling them over and over. You better stay at a company for at least 5 years and if you are loyal to them they will be loyal to you. If you stay for shorter, you are a job hopper and no one is going to trust you even if this was a summer job or internship. Don't ask for anything for the first 10 years. You aren't worth anything. The work experience you have had means nothing. Your school and field of study means nothing. You have no skills or experiences you can talk about and you're nothing but a liability. You are lucky to even have employment because why would they want to hire someone like you. Don't expect anything over $15 an hour. You are barely worth minimum wage when you graduate college and if anything, minimum wage should be abolished. Don't expect any benefits either because you aren't worth it at this age. Don't get prideful and start asking for things. You aren't degrading yourself when you do a lot of work for little compensation. You are showing them that you are a cooperative team player and as a result they will compensate you accordingly years down the line. Stop expecting instant gratification. And while I know these are terrible pieces of advice, I still don't know what is considered normal professionally. Like I don't know what is a normal amount of compensation I should be expecting with my skill level and I know this is causing me to undersell myself and not actually go after things that I'm probably qualified for. I'm in a very impressionable position since I've never had a career and I don't know how most of this works. There are some very obvious things that are bs such as never apply to jobs online and keep calling people to follow up because from experience (this man made me go to people in person and ask for applications and had me embarrass myself when managers would look at me crazy and tell me to apply online). But when it comes to figuring out how much I should be paid, what kind of benefits are standard, setting boundaries and advocating for yourself in a professional setting, I'm completely lost because I don't have much of a frame of reference. And these conversations overall leave me feeling kind of worthless and like my efforts are futile. It leaves me feeling like I don't have a future and that I won't be able to have a decent quality of life or be able to support myself. It even makes me not want to apply for anything because why bother if I'm not qualified in the first place.
  14. @modmyth I've been doing all right. Mainly just hanging in there and going through the motions but all right nonetheless