soos_mite_ah

Member
  • Content count

    2,385
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About soos_mite_ah

  • Rank
    - - -
  • Birthday 10/22/1999

Personal Information

  • Gender
    Female

Recent Profile Visitors

12,152 profile views
  1. I am not my type and that is ok This is going to be a bit of a weird post since I will be talking in third person for a little bit for the sake of simplicity. But physically, I am not my type. My type and ideal body is like that stereotypical pilates look, toned and athletic but still dainty and feminine. I on the other hand am more stocky and short and i am not particularly lean. And for years I have wanted the former look regardless of whether it made sense of me or not. But then I thought *well I look at other people on the street and while I'm not into them like that, I'm not in my head thinking about hideous they are for hours after they walked by. If anything I think that hey even if I don't find them attractive, I'm sure someone does even if it's not me* Then I was like, I should implement that same sort of thinking to myself. Like *hey soos_mite_ah might not be attractive to you and you may prefer a different body type but there are people who are into her body type and that is alright.* I think it also stems from this belief that I implemented with my imposter syndrom that is along the lines of *I have faith in people seeing good things in me that I don't always notice in myself.* But basically what I'm trying to say is that I might not be particularly attractive in my eyes, but I am in other people's eyes and that is ok. I don't always have to like every bit of myself but I do have to believe that I'm worthy of respect, love, and human decency. I don't have to like myself, but I do have to treat myself well. And I do think that this is a step forward in self acceptance where I'm accepting that maybe I can't accept everything about myself. That doesn't mean that I should beat myself up into accepting myself nor does it mean that I need to beat myself up for changing myself. I think that's important for me when it comes to my relationship with my body. I might not like what I look like but that doesn't mean that I should pick at my appearance, be cruel about my self image, restrict my food, or exercise excessively in order to change myself nor should I fault myself for struggling to accept myself given all of the beauty standards that are out there because it's understandable that I feel this way given my surroundings and upbringing. I think I can implement this way of thinking towards other things that I tend to be insecure about. The main one that comes to mind is that I can be a passive person since when I'm anxious, I'm very much a flight or freeze type of person rather than a person who gets the impulse to fight. I’m good at walking away from situation and not letting them effect me but I’m not that great at standing up for myself in the moment that someone comes at me crazy. Also, when I'm under stress, I'm the type who shuts down for a while because my brain forces me to feel my feelings in real time and sort through that rather than just being able to push through and dive into more work like a lot of other people I know. And don't get me wrong, I do think I can benefit from learning to stand up for myself in certain situations and being able to regulate myself more in times of pressure but at the same time, even though I have a preference towards those who have more of fight response rather than a freeze or flight response, that doesn't mean that I should see myself as lesser or beat myself up for simply being something I'm not. Again, I don't have to be my type or preference. I don't have to like myself all the time in order to give myself the love and respect that I deserve to give myself in the same way that I love and respect people who I don't particularly like at times.
  2. Other side notes in addition to my to do list that is in the back of my mind but not on the list explore my sexuality more get back into the habit of spending time with friends read 1 book a week Add finishing touches to your place: art work, seasonal stuff, etc. deal with the dread and misery pollution
  3. To Do List 3/6 Research career in journalism: Need to do more of this before your trip to D.C. deal with some hang ups I have around food: there are some things that are coming up again that I'm revisiting with a nutritionist Work towards an exit plan for your job since things are getting messy: I already have a good amount in savings but I think it's good to update my resume and see what other opportunites are out there and just be more proactive about it. Stop being chronically online: I just want to get to a point where my screen time isn't embarrassing lol Have another conversation with your dad about family relationships: I have this planned out for after 3/19 Talk to your therapist about your thoughts on having kids Be more aligned with my values: Start volunteering at a homeless shelter Learn to engage with right wing people Plan out your trip month long trip in the later part of the year.
  4. I don't have much to add but since there is no like button, consider this comment as me liking the post lol
  5. Some Videos I've Liked:
  6. Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer After writing the previous post, I started looking at some posts from 2.5 years ago when i was in college and dealing with doomer spirals. After reading the posts, I can say that the dread that I'm feeling is different from a doomer spiral if it isn't obvious enough given that I'm not giving myself the privilege of being a doomer and that I see some hope for things improving even if I don't know when. I guess on the surface they can feel the same but upon further introspection they aren't. I also found a couple of memes that conveys this well lol. Yeah, I think I'm going through a temporary gloomer phase and I typically move between that and being a bloomer.
  7. An Update on the Dread I wrote about the general feelings of dread I have been experiencing with 2024 like a little over a month ago. So yes, I did go to my financial advisor and even though we didn't go super deep into this type of work, I think I have the financial security and privilege to not worry about things for a quick minute. I say this to acknowledge my privilege in the cost of living crisis while also recognizing that I'm not exempt from the vast majority of people and that shit can certainly hit the fan and affect me too. I thought that after I recognized and processed my feelings of dread that they will eventually go away. And sure, it did get better, but it also evolved like a fucking pokemon. I think my dread now in February has more to do with the over all political atmosphere from the upcoming election with two senile politicians, to the cost of living crisis, to the genocide, and how shit doesn't feel like it's getting better and we're all stagnating because Congress is filled with a bunch of geriatrics who keep wanting to take things back to the neoliberal stagnation of the 90s. But there are some things that I think are keeping me going. 1. I need to outlive these motherfuckers: I want to see how this shit will end. I still have this amount of hope in my heart from the belief that nothing lasts forever and eventually, the geriatrics will succumb to nature's cancel culture, death. But also, they do have access to the best health care so there is a chance that the ghouls like Mitch McConnel will for another 20 years to be 100 like Henry Kissinger did. Nevertheless, I'm hoping that doesn't happen and I also get a weird inkling that Trump is going to die while running for president again. But basically, there is a lot of politicians that I'm hoping to outlast in the hope that my interests will be better represented and this stagnation can finally get going. Also, I hope to be that funny old person that tells younger people in the future of the fuck shit that happened in my time. 2. I'm not giving myself the luxury to be doomer: That just breeds complacency and even if I can't do much. I'm going to do what I can and help out the people who are immediate to me. I'm not going to let the fucked up shit in the world block me off from human connection. I'm not doing things in the hope of change in the immediate future, I'm doing them out of the principal that it's the right thing to do. I have detached from the outcome because of the way that the stagnation is weighing on me and because the only thing I can really control is myself, my self-education, and expanding my own empathy. 3. I'm telling myself that I just have to hold on for another 3 years: Again, this shit is not going to last forever. I don't know how it's going to end, but it won't be like this forever. This is a mindset that also helped me during the height of the pandemic. Back in October 2020, I didn't know how long this shit was going to last. I didn't give myself the false promise that shit is going to change in 6 months to a year from then but I did tell myself that I just have to sit tight for March 2023, which was a totally arbitrary date. And you know what, even though COVID is still around, things considerably died down by March 2022. Sometimes, the uncertainty of the future gets to us to where we think that this void is all there is and personally, I found that giving myself an arbitrary countdown to help ease that sense of uncertainty even if it was fueled by delusion on my part. The date I have chosen for myself now is November 2027. I just have to hang on until then. I know that things are going to get worse before getting better, I just don't know how much worse and how deep this hole goes and how much more people are going to suffer in the process. I've had this feeling since 2015, back when I naively thought that a Trump presidency alone was the worst that could happen. I don't know if we're going to be at this point a year from now, 5 years from now, or 10 years from now but it feels like it's around the corner. 4. I am thinking about the older version of myself watching me in the present from her memories: Sometimes when I feel like I'm going through a tough time, I try to imagine my 32 year old self looking back at me by remembering what I was up to at 24 with a sense of fondness and gentleness that I look at my 17 year old self in. It just gives me this sense of *hey, I have plenty of time to figure this shit out and I will eventually, and one day that things that I dealt with in the past will be a distant memory and the remanents of a past life of sorts.* Like all of this will be a nonissue at some point in the same way me looking at my 17 year old self who was having an existential crisis about choosing a major and a college or looking at 14 year old me worrying about some boy she thought she was going to marry and beating herself up for being awkward feels like a nonissue for 24 year old me in the present day. 5. I'm trying to bring myself back to the moment: Ngl, it's hard sometimes when all of this shit is constantly around you but I basically try my best to not doom scroll and count my blessings in the present moment even if it's for something simple as eating a bowl of mac and cheese and sitting in the sun as I work. I feel like it helps me not get too in my head about what's in the future while also enjoying the present moment so that when shit hits the fan, I can assure myself that I have some form of stamina to weather the storm because I have rested and been fully present and appreciated when things were good to where I feel like I'm comfortable with the challenges are ahead of me. Like this started small. I remember once a few years ago I got a cold and my nose was stuffed up and I was thinking *wow, I wish I didn't take all the time when my nose wasn't stuffed up and I could breathe normally for granted.* And sometimes, I make myself take a deep breath and tell my self *notice how nice it is to breathe and not have your nose be all stuffed up? Let's take a moment and appreciate that,* And I found that since incorporating that practice, when I get a cold and my nose gets stuffed up, I'm not as much of a wimp about it because I'm just like *you know what, I enjoyed breathing out of my nose prior to this and I was conscious of it and I didn't take it for granted. Soon I'll be back to doing that and I'm going to continue to appreciate breathing out of my nose.* And basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to incorporate this to the rest of my life when it comes to bigger struggles than just a stuffed up nose. But yeah... I don't know how much longer this sense of dread is going to stay with me. I feel like I've been dealing with this on and off since 2015 so it's important for me to find some healthy ways of coping so I don't lose myself in this temporary circumstance.
  8. The Ways I Gentle Parent Myself I know recently I've been talking about my inner teenager and I think talking about her is talking about a subset of healing your inner child (since you're still like a child when you're a teenager). But I just also wanted to reflect on things I do throughout my life to keep my inner child in check as well. Because sometimes, things come up and I can feel the inner 6 year old in me wanting to throw a tantrum or I catch myself being unreasonably harsh over something kind of dumb. 1. If I spill something or break something, I don't get mad at myself and start self deprecating: Instead, I acknowledge that I'm annoyed and this is annoying to clean up but that there is no need to punish myself for this because the consequence that this is annoying to clean up is enough. This also goes for me forgetting my belongings somewhere or any other minor mistake like missing an exit because I wasn't paying attention to the GPS. Because, you learn from natural consequences, not through punishment. Because in the end of the day punishing yourself, whether that is being in a bad mood or getting mad at yourself is just going to leave you feeling emotionally disregulated and just in a shitty mood and most of the time, it really isn't that deep. We all make mistakes, it happens, and it isn't too hard to fix most of these things. A little annoying, sure, but it's nothing that you need to be stressed or anxious over. 2. If there are chores I don't want to do, instead of forcing myself to do them by getting angry at myself and calling myself lazy, I usually say something like the following: A. You deserve to be in a clean space because it makes you feel relaxed and focused, and over all you just like your space more or, hey you need dishes to eat off of you silly goose. B. I understand this is annoying to do but the natural consequence of not doing this is things piling up and becoming more intimidating to tackle and if things get really bad, your space can get unhygenic and that can get you sick or worse, it can attract bugs. And the possibility of bugs alone freaks me out and makes me want to take responsibility lol. 3. If there is a task I really don't want to do, I set a timer to do said task for 10-15 minutes. One of the following scenarios takes place: A. The task doesn't take nearly as long as what I alotted my time for and I was just building the task up in my head becuase it was freaking me out for whatever reason or because I just didn't want to do it. B. The task takes a little longer that the timer and I'm like, well, I'm 80% done, might as well finish it. C. I'm not even half way done but I have gotten into the flow of things and I have enough inertia to keep going or to do other tasks on my to do list. D. I'm not done and I don't want to continue past the alotted time. This is rarely the case but when it happens, I tell myself that I can revisit this later and do another 10 min increment or something. That way it gets done and it's not as intimidating and annoying. 4. If I'm feeling impatient for something, I give myself an amount of time to hold still that I find achievable. For example, I might say *hey, you just need to hold on for 15 more minutes. I know it's annoying but it won't be too long and I'll be done waiting/ doing whatever I need to do in no time and I'll be back just living my life.* I think this tends to help with the *ugggh* feeling of something taking forever. It feels like it's taking forever because we haven't given it a set time yet and so our mind feels stuck in this moment and forgets that we're moving closer and closer to the thing that we are waiting for. I also try to reframe it by thinking about what can I do in the mean time for this alotted amount of time. For example, if I just need to hold still for 5 minutes, maybe if I really need to, I can listen to a song or if it's longer like 30 min, watch something on youtube. And if that doesn't work, I just try to give myself a small carrot at the end of the stick to keep me going. Some examples include *I know it's annoying to wait in the pharmacy but once we're done, I'll get you a fun little drink* or *I know waiting in line to board a plane is annoying, but hey, once we get there, you can take a little nap and get all cozy in your flight* or *I know it's super hot/cold outside and you don't want to be walking but we need to keep walking so that we can get inside to the AC/heat. It won't be for too long but stopping because you're frustated will just keep you here and that won't be comfy. Why don't we get you a cold glass of water / a warm cup of tea once we get inside.* 5. If I'm in a bad mood for seemingly no reason, I just ask myself if I ate enough, if I ate something nutritious, if I have been getting some movement in me, if I have taken a shower in the last couple of days, or if I have slept. If the answer is no to any of these things, I tell myself that we will take care of that first and then deal with the problem with a clearer head. Most of the time this solves things but if not, I'm in a more rational state of mind to deal with things. Sometimes it's worth it to see what type of shit comes up in my unconscious mind when I'm in a state like this. I don't judge myself because I know how to differentiate a state and a stage but I think it's important to see if there is any lower conscious thoughts I need to address and keep in check when I get back into my normal state of mind where I am physically taking care of myself if that makes sense. Like for example, when I'm cranky, I can get pretty self deprecating about my weight. I know this is something I'm insecure about in the back of my mind but I know that I don't get the same degree of vitritol from that self hating part of myself unless for example, I barely slept or have eaten anything. Things like "you're disgusting, no one will love you're cuz you're fat etc." are things that I have addressed previously and I feel like I can observe those thought without entertianing them or getting invested. Sure I feel this way sometimes but I know that people in my life love me even with my weight and that I'm a normal looking person and that this is just the ED taking control because my inhibitions are lowered and the filters that I keep myself in check with and keep my thoughts disciplined with have taken he back seat for whatever reason. But when there is something new that pops up like "because you're fat you look trashy and low class because there is nothing sophisticated about a fat body" then it's like *Okay, where is this coming from. What biases have you picked up recently. Let's go take care of ourselves for a moment and then address this by introspecting and thinking critically.* 6. When I feel like binging on a bunch of junk food, I tell myself the natural, immediate consequences of such a thing instead of shaming myself for eating "bad foods." For example, I might tell myself that I'm going to eat soon and I don't want to spoil the meal that I'm going to have soon since that's going to taste good or that *Hey I know you're hungry, but chips alone isn't going to fill you up. Let's try to add some hummus and maybe some tomatoes to the snack so that its more satisfying and balanced and so that you can have more of your other favorite foods as well. * Or sometimes its saying something like *remember the last time you had too much of X in one sitting and you got a stomach ache and felt off for the rest of the day. To what extent do you want to deal with that?* I find that this helps me enjoy things in moderation and check in with myself without fear mongering about my health or without triggering my previously negative relationship with food. I also remind myself of how as an adult, I'm in charge of taking care of myself in the same way that I'm expected to take care of the little version of me. And I wouldn't want my small child version of myself feel physically and mentally off because they're eating junk constantly nor would I want them to avoid any fun foods all together. I feel like this approach of reminding myself to take care of myself is more effective than saying *well you need to take care of yourself because you don't want to let yourself go or insert other diet culture misogynistic bs here* There's probably more but this is what I can gather off the top of my head.
  9. My Inner Teenager and Her Bad Habits So when I was growing up, I had this really terrible habit of never being in class. This could mean me literally skipping class or it could me just mentally not being there whether it because I was asleep or just not paying attention. And when I tell people that I used to skip class a lot, people just give me a little bit of a side eye because they don't really expect from me since it kind of seems like this rebellious thing to do. But I don't think I've ever skipped class for the rush of it or because it was some act of teenage rebellion. Often times I would skip class so that I do homework that was due in another class later that day. Sometimes I would skip so that I could sleep in the library or decompress and journal. There was also a time where I skipped an entire semester of U.S. History because I thought the class was dumb since I felt like I already learned this a thousand times and because I had better things to do like studying for the SAT. I turned in my assignments for this class in early and then continued to skip even after the vice principal caught me. And I couldn't even get into all that trouble because 1. my work was done, 2. I had a high A in the class, and 3. I was doing something productive. That's really the main thing, I never really got in trouble for skipping class or sleeping in class because my work was done and it was done right so a lot of teachers couldn't get anything to stick on me. I bring up all of this because I feel like some of those tendencies still come up for me now that I'm in the working world. I still get that temptation to just skip work for the day but I can't because that has much higher stakes compared to skipping a class or two when I was 17. And as a result, I couldn't help but think where this was coming from and why I was like this. I think a big part of why I was skipping class growing up was because I felt like I was overwhelmed and I didn't want to admit it, especially since I wasn't super challenged academically. I dealt with a lot of anxeity and depression throughout my high school years because I was at the age where I started noticing that my home environment was pretty toxic and that it was affecting me even though I couldn't articulate it as well at the time. That emotional overwhelm made it so that I would procrastinate on easy tasks by rotting in bed after school or on the weekends or feel like I needed time to myself instead of putting up with annoying classmates and teachers. I also didn't feel like I had a lot of control over my schedule because I had a lot of extracurriculars in my schedule and while I did like them, I felt this pressure to be as busy as possible to stand out among the applications in college. This also led to a lot of revenge bed time procrastination which would fuck with my sleep schedule which in turn would make me too exhausted in class the following day. I didn't think so at the time because overachieving and being anxious about your future was normalized in my community but I really did push myself too hard. Also, I think part of the shitty time management, the bed time procrastination, and the regular procrastination also was part of me being developmentally appropriate for a teenager. I think I remember seeing a study that basically said that a lot of people in their teens have trouble planning 2 or more weeks ahead for something and sticking to it because their frontal lobe hasn't finished developing. And I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me because after I hit 20/21, I was able to plan and stick to things despite always having the tools to do so growing up. I don't think this is how it manifests for everyone but it was definitely how it manifested for me. In recent days, as an adult, I feel like I don't have much control over my time because recently upper management has been micromanaging me. And even though the work doesn't feel like an overwhelming volume, the fact that I'm expected to be working constantly in my work day with little to no breaks and constantly pick up more work even when I'm done for the day is a lot. And yes I have noticed an uptick in my revenge bed time procrastination and like this teenage impulse to skip work altogether for a day or two. Ngl, I do catch myself judging myself on this regard. But then I try to think about what this part of myself is trying to tell me. I'm not wanting to skip work because I'm somehow rebellious and irresponsible. That doesn't make sense considering I'm good at my job and that I take it seriously. Rather, I think it has to do with me being overwhelmed in some level even if it isn't the work volume itself. Like yesterday, I had some things piled up from work and I basically had a bed rot day because my mental health got the best of me. Then, after getting food with a friend, I ended up throwing it all up due to what I'm pretty sure is food poisoning. So the Sunday Scaries and the dread I was feeling for Monday was really getting to me. I sat with my thoughts and feelings for a little bit to figure out what was going on with me and figured it would be good for me to write about this the next day. Then I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and nausea and then I threw up again. So after that I decided that it would probably be best for me to not go to work. I let myself rot in bed until 9:30. Then I did a Target run and deep cleaned my apartment. I got lunch and now I'm journaling some thing out. I'm later gonna do some things related to my job to make sure that tomorrow runs more smoothly. But for the most part, today was a self care day. It wasn't really a cozy *lets do a bubble bath and a face mask and then watch a movie* kind of self care day nor was it a *I need to sit with my feeling and deal with that first and put my other responsibilities to the side and rot in bed* kind of self care day. It was more of a *hey I know things are piling up and you don't want to deal with it but once you deal with it, you will feel so much better going forward because while you need to feel your feelings, rotting in bed is not going to help you in this situation* kind of self care day. And I don't think it's fair for me to judge my teenage self or her tendencies. Sure the way she coped wasn't super healthy but to write her off as a stupid, irresponsible teenager who is a slave to her hormones is not really acknowledging what's actually causing the problem. And yes, coping like that won't set her up for success, but it's the best that 16 year old me could do at the time given the restraints she was in and the tools she had at the time. And I think acknowledging that is important for me to not only be more gentle with myself but also to work with myself rather than against myself. I took the day off as a sick day and sure I could beat myself up for not going to work, but I was still really productive in a myraid of other ways. It's just the rythms I'm on I guess lol and working with that can help in getting me to where I need to go. It also goes back to the whole phase "the same boiling water that hardens the egg, softens the potato" which basically means that two people can react to the same situation in very different ways because of who they are individually. I am most definitely the potato and for a long time I thought that was a bad thing. When I am faced with difficult situations, I often come out of those situations a softer, more empathetic person rather than someone who is hardened and more stoic. And for a long time, I thought the former meant that I was somehow less resilient because being more emotional, even when it comes from a place of expressing and being honest with yourself rather than only being reactive, is seen as weak and vulnerable. I've been making an effort to unlearn this and tell myself that it's okay to be a potato because potatoes still taste great lol because I think I got the message from school and work under capitalism that the ideal worker is the one who keeps going no matter what and that is a mark of their good character, resiliance, and work ethic. I feel like the way that college applications frame wanting an underdog and wanting students who exhibit resiliance in their person statements, even if they are trauma dumping hoping to get a scholarship or to get into college (which is dystopian in and of itself). I think it can instill this toxic mindset that success is only valid if it comes from struggle and at a cost of your well being and for me at least it made me feel like I was constantly not doing enough because there was always someone out there who is doing 10x more than you who has it 10x harder. And one of the things that I dislike about myself is that when faced with stressors and how people react with fight, flight, and freeze, I'm very much a freeze, and occasional flight person and I'm never a fight person even though that is what society rewards. And while in most cases, you aren't literally fighting someone, in a work or school setting, it can look like burying yourself in your work and taking on more than you can handle so you can numb out what is actually bothering you. This can look like a good thing under the whole underdog pardigm because it looks like you're being resilient by not letting it get between you and being more productive. But I don't think this is the healthiest way to respond and this definitely has some down sides. And on top of that, it's also not the way that I naturally respond to stress so then there is this added layer of *Why can't I function the way that everyone else seems to function. Even if it's not healthy, at least they're getting ahead/ getting things done and it looks good on the outside versus just freezing.* I think that's another bad habit that my inner teenager has which is to invalidate my feelings to keep going and to look like she has her life together because she is under pressure from the adults around her that keep telling her that she needs to have her life figured out by 18. I remember growing up not having vulnerability be something is looked at and thought of as good. I also feel like I encountered a lot of people in high school that thought it was a good thing that they haven't cried in years. And 17 year old me thought that cool but now that I've gone to therapy, if anyone came up to me like that, I would probably look them dead in the eyes and be like *that's not normal my guy, you should get that checked.* I think the other thing is that I would try to act tough and sometimes beat myself up for having an emotional reaction because I didn't know how to cope with those emotions and this was my way of regaining back control. I think this especially comes up for me when it comes to the emotion of grief and how there are a lot of things that can go into something like grief. And unfortunately, I haven't had much guidance on how to handle this so in an effort to grasp for control, sometimes I resort to berating myself on how I can't do anything and how I shouldn't feel the way that I do or that I should still be able to move on like nothing happened instead of being so sensitive or emotional. I think this time around I did a good job in not succumbing to that. I did judge myself a little bit before taking the day off work but given how well today has gone for me in not only in terms of me being productive and taking care of my life but also in terms of genuinely feeling better and reflecting, I don't regret taking this day off at all. I think it's important to note this sense of growth of me being able to handle things more affectively and be more gentle with myself. I also think about this thing I wrote when I was journalling about dealing with grief regarding the genocide in Gaze:
  10. idk i thought this video was kind of funny and could be helpful for people who need to touch grass lately after getting innundated with chronically online hustle culture content lol
  11. My Dream Life Style I think I'm living pretty close to what my dream day to day lifestyle is. I have a job that I'm relatively good at and that doesn't stress me out too badly. It might not be my life purpose or passion in life but I do like the feeling of being productive, having goals to hit, and getting into a flow state here and there. I have a small studio apartment that I have decorated in a away that makes me really happy. I have comfortable clothes that suit my life style and a couple of outfits that I like wearing to express myself. I hang out with my friends a couple times a week and see my boyfriend a couple times a week. I volunteer at a school and a pet shelter. I spend time in self education even if it's just youtube video essays. I work out, listen to music and dance alone, and draw for fun. I am in therapy and I have figured out a lot of the big things in my life that have been bothering me. I know how to make my favorite meals and I don't completely dread cooking lol. I can go out to eat to the extent I want to without worrying about money and I really enjoy the food that I eat. I have a good relationship with food and eat relatively healthy without it feeling like a chore. I like curling up in my duvet covers or under my weighted blanket at night. I like burning candles and doing my little skincare routine. I love taking long or quick showers and baths especially when you get that feeling after the shower where you're shaved, exfoliated, and moisturized. I could keep going but basically I feel relatively happy and at peace about my life on a day to day basis and I feel like I'm at a state of being a lot of the time when it comes to some of the things I listed above. However, while this is a really good life imo, I wouldn't exactly say I'm living my dreams. I still think I have a few materialistic things to burn through and lifestyle additions I want to make. The Small Stuff: Getting hair cuts 2-3x a year: I got my hair cut and I honestly feel so good about myself since whether my hair is or isn't styled. I know I feel uncomfortable spending like $150 on a hair cut since I'm used to doing it for free by myself, but I honestly think it's worth it given the style I got and given that it always looks good without me having to worry about it. I know it's not a necessity, but this has been nice. Taking myself out to a nice dinner like 2-3 x a year: I don't want this to be a super frequent thing since I feel like it would take away from the specialness of it all but I think every now and then I want to go to a nice place by myself without it being a special occasion. I think spending between 50-100 wouldn't take a hit to my finances in the grand scheme of things. And as I'm thinking about this, I think for me to not be super cheap and restrictive, it would be a good idea for me to have a day to day budget that I check monthly, which I already have, but also another yearly budget/allowance for things like this. Going on a trip internationally or domestically: This is something that I can definitely afford but I feel like given my relationship to money, I have to consciously remind myself to prioritize it even though this is something that I genuinely enjoy and get a lot of fulfillment from. But it's like even though this is something that I care about, I think it can get hard for me to prioritize since I can get caught up in a *Save Save Save!* mindset and I don't want it to get to a point where I end up prioritizing saving a little money in terms of my life style over actually enjoying and living life and enjoying the fruits of my labor. The reason why I put this in the small stuff is because rather this being something I can't afford, it's more of a mindset thing I'm working on. The Big Stuff: Living in a walkable area in a nice-ish apartment: I want to live in a place that has good public transport and is walkable. Not only do I think it's good for me in a physical health standpoint because exercise is more interwoven into your lifestyle compared to having time you need to set apart for going to the gym specifically, but also I don't like driving all that much. I also want to live in a place with more third spaces and have more opportunities to meet people organically. But also, while I'm not super high maintenance, I don't want to live in a 100 sqft apartment in NYC with rats and roaches. My apartment currently is about 600 sqft which I feel like is perfect for me and if I were to live with a romantic partner. It also has an in unit washer and dryer and no bug problems. And I just want to be able to comfortably afford that same standard of living in a walkable city. Have a career that is aligned with my life purpose: I think this would also be a really good way to improve my life on a day to day basis to where I am living my dream life in addition to living in an apartment in a walkable city. While work isn't anything unbearable for me, I do feel like I'm always slightly annoyed during my working hours because deep down inside I don't care about this and I'm just counting down to the end of the day when I can go back to living my actual life. And while that isn't bad considering that I have good pay and good work life balance, I feel like addressing this sort of fragmentation would contribute to my overall happiness exponentially. ---------------------------------------- While I have explained that in my daty to day life I'm pretty happy, I feel like I have a handful of future oriented boogey mans in the corner. I try my best to stay present and really take in everything I'm blessed with, but these are just things that are in the back of my mind that sometimes keeps me up at night. I usually try to take Eckhart Tolle's advice from the Power of Now, but sometimes I stray from that lol. The boogey mans include: Affording grad school or taking a pay cut when transitioning to a career that is more aligned with my life purpose Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years (also this is an existenatial crisis of it's own since I'm not even sure if this is something I want) Affording to buy a house or apartment without panicking about the monthly payment in like a decade or so. I just wanted to acknowledge these concerns even though I feel like the reason why I was writing this stuff out is to think about my day to day life and what I have to be greatful for and a few things that would materially satisfy me on the day to day. I think sometimes when I think of my phase of more materialistic self help I can get a little overwhelmed by how much shit costs without being totally mindful on the fact that I'm already living a great life that is close to my dream life and in some cases I need a few tweeks here and there. Like while I'm able to really be present and enjoy my life a good chunk of the time, it's just that given the times, I'm still nervous about what the future holds and if I can continue with the standard of living I have for myself now.
  12. But also, the past SUCKS All of that said, the past also pisses me the fuck off. I feel like the place that gets me the most riled up is the film industry. I get that there were a lot of classic movies from the 80s to the 2000s but I'm so tired of seeing remakes and sequals. I feel like this is the main reason why I don't care about movies like that unless something new and interesting comes out. Like I was so excited to see Barbie and Oppenheimer and while those were pretty good, part of the initial appeal was that it wasn't yet another Marvel movie. And this goes for TV shows as well. Everytime I see a reboot, I just catch myself rolling my eyes. Then there are my political anxieties ranging from the threat of facism to more real things such as Roe v. Wade being overturned and Israeli forces doing cute little TikTok dances while committing a genocide. Like imagine if you woke up in 1943 and you saw a thrist trap made by a Nazi S.S. officer. And also, as much as part of me romanticized the past and am drawn to similar aesthetics, it also annoys me because we're not getting anywhere by constantly looking to the past. We're never going to go back to normal, whether that is pre-pandemic normal, pre-Donald Trump normal, pre-Great Recession normal, or pre-9/11 normal. And nor should we because neoliberal capitalism isn't going to fix our problems. Hell, it's part of the reason why things have decended the way that they have. I understand wanting to go back to a simplier time and wanting that sense of escapism and control, I do too. Sometimes I catch myself romanticizing 2012. But the reality is, that it sucked and just because things suck even more now, doesn't mean it didn't suck before. I guess "going back to normal" has this sense of stagnancy and complacency that really gets under my skin. The reason why things are a mess now is because we had a shitty foundation in the first place. So why go back to that shitty foundation instead of actuallly addressing the problem and then moving forward. And also, the doomer shit is starting to piss me off because it also feeds into the complacency. I feel like gen alpha (the ipad babies) are becoming the next generation that people look down on because *kids these days.* And don't get me wrong, I think there are valid reasons to be concerned for gen alpha ranging from the education system to being raised on the internet (and sometimes quite literally). But hating on the ipad babies and thinking Skibidi Toilet is going to cause the world to end as if Charlie the Unicorn wasn't just as weird gets under my skin. Like the boomerfication of Millennials and older Gen Z annoys me as someone who basically vowed to not be a bitter old person that looks down on younger generations just because I don't get it. I'm so tired of the forced nostalgia and the whole vibe was *things were better back in my day.* I'm ready for something new and better in a way that doesn't isolate us further. It kind of goes back to the video I linked in the previous post about meta-modernism in the way that it combines the self-reflection and deconstruction of post modernism with the straight forward nature and sincerity of modernity. I also think about these two quotes: 12:28-14:40 : "It was the neo-liberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so longer the right people are in charge. This is everything the Democrats have been promising to get us back to. Almost everyone they've run for president has promised either a continuation of or a return to Clinton-era liberalism. They even ran another Clinton. Of course the only one in 20 straight years the one to actually win was the guy who said 'maybe let's do something different.' And then he didn't. This is Biden's entire appeal. Just put the Dems in charge and things will incrementally go back to the way they were. And to Millennials, that is VERY enticing because it's what we saw growing up. It's what we were promised. We weren't sure if we wanted it but it was at least a fallbakc if our dreams of being in a ska band or making adventure games at Lucas Arts didn't pan out. And it never came. And what we've had instead has been just so so much worse. For two straight generations, the 90s were the least things have sucked in living memory. But I think it's worth remembering that what the Democrats promised, the neo-liberal dream, did come true once. And we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it. Neo-liberalism is the romantic relationship that's always in crisis. If not a financial crisis, a health crisis, if not a health crisis, a family crisis. And you're just holding tight to each other because you're each the only solid thing in the other person's life. You are trauma bonded. And then all of a sudden things finally, finally, calm down for just a minute, just long enough for you to take a breath, step back, and get a look at yourselves. And for the first time you have room to think......*Oh no... This doesn't work. This hasn't worked for many years.* Things stay terrible so long, you almost miss when they were merely bad." 16:40 and onwards: "Jaded sarcasm and isn't brave in 2020, it's the path of least resistance for edgy chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation. Nowadays bravery is being a gender nonconforming socialist queerdo who refused to let the ugliness of the world close them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future, because nobody believes in the future anymore. But to wrap this up with a bow, we're not getting anywhere by looking back. Progress is going to come from trying things we've never tried before."
  13. Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s-90s Edition I wrote a post a while back about romanticizing the past, specifically the 1950s, and I am finding myself doing the same with the 70s-90s lately. I think part of the reason why I tend to romanticize the 70s is because of the music at the time. I have recently found myself drawn to Fleetwood Mac and Billy Joel lately. A lot of Fleetwood Mac's music sounds dreamy to me in a relaxed, kind of contemplative way to me. Also a lot of Billy Joel's lyrics really get to me emotionally in the way that it captures the human experience. Like there are some lines here and there that really stick out to me because I find myself feeling personally attacked by it, 40+ years after the words were sung. And also like I mentioned above, the 70s still feels pretty far back to where it's easy for me to romanticize since it kinda feels like a different planet. I also made a playlist on Spotify that I just call Boomer music and it includes a lot songs from like the 70s and 80s. Also, I just got a haircut and it lowkey looks like the iconic Farrah Fawcett hairstyle. And that's if my hair isn't styled It wasn't intentional, I just got a curly cut so that my hair won't get weighed down and my natural curls would come out lol. I've also been enjoying the whimsigoth aesthetic which is very 70s and 90s mixed with some gothic elements. I also noticing myself doing romanticization more after deciding to be more offline and go on my touch grass journey lol. I've also been reflecting on the lonliness epidemic, the lack of third spaces, walkable cities vs car centric infrastructure, and just how hard it can be to make friends in adulthood. Another thing to note is that while I tend to romanticize the 70s, I still find myself doing the same for the 80s and 90s nowadays too, which is a notable difference from the time I was romanticizing the 50s a few years ago. I feel like a lot of it is the fact that my parents and the parents of my boyfriend were young from the 70s to 90s (as in like around our age from like 22-30) and they were living their lives, meeting people and maintaing connections organically, and were able to buy houses and start families during this time relatively easily compared to now. Also, my dad has been opening up more about his life after immigrating to the US in 1981 and life before meeting my mom in 1992. It's been nice listening to him and his lore and what life was like for a South Asian person in the US around my age (he was like 23 when he immigrated and I'm 24 now). I have talked to my boyfriend about some of these things and he told me the story of how his parents met. His parents met on a flight to Mexico and realized they were vacationing in relatively the same area. They hung out with each other's friends, went snorkling, explored the area, and in the end kept in touch and did the long distance thing for a little bit until my boyfriend's dad got a job in Texas and moved closer after buying a house. And then a couple years later they got married. This was in the mid-late 90s. My boyfriend also talked about how back in his parent's days, from like the early 80s to the 90s they had arcades and malls where you can hang out with people and have that third space. I also think of this song: Basically, I guess on my touching grass journey, I can't help but think what people did with their free time before the internet before you could space out in front of a glowing box for hours at time after work. I mean, they had TV lol but like, you get what I mean. They didn't have smart phones, social media, or YouTube. They actually had to talk to people, read a book, and have hobbies lol. I also think that the 70s takes this a bit further because some of the aesthetics that were popular during the 70s were inspired by the 1800s and what I like to call the Little House on the Prarie aesthetic. This is because a lot of shows in the 70s featured the old wild west and it was a conservative backlash that romanticized the past as a call to return to tradition as a reaction to the hippie counter culture movement in the late 60s to early 70s. And I think that this element of the 70s aesthetic and vibe really makes you think even further back where people didn't have electricity much less a phone and social media lol (because the 80s and 90s had more of a futuristic vibe from the retro 80s futurism to the Y2K aesthetic in the late 90s/ early 2000s). As a result, I think that me being drawn to the 70s aesthetic and touching grass is almost like an extention of me being drawn to the cottagecore aesthetic. The 90s also has an appeal because of how chill and optimistic that decade was for the US. It was after the Cold War and before the War on Terror. The economy was great. It was the end of history, a neoliberal dream. Sure back then there was a lot of cynicism (grunge anyone) from the monotony but by today's standards when it feels like we're dealing with another historical event every couple of months, the monotony of the stable cubicle job, the 30 year mortgage, and shit not really happening seems like a dream again rather than something that would induce a midlife crisis. Like I think I remember reading an article of how Millennials aren't having midlife crisis because didn't have a sense of stability and monotony in their adult lifes that they got stuck in and because they can't afford the typical midlife crisis things people do like buy expensive sports cars to feel young again. Transalation: Millennials aren't having a midlife crisis in the way that Boomers and Gen X did because their lives are an ongoing crisis from one disaster to another. I also think that the 90s also have an appeal because I was born in the tail end of 90s. So it's like.. I can claim the 90s, but I can't CLAIM the 90s becasue of my lack of memory as a 2 month old. I wonder what being a kid, teen, or 20 something during that time was like. And I think some of my friends who are like 3-4 years older than me can remember the 90s so it doesn't feel too far removed but also I'm around a lot of adults who were like teenagers or kids in the 90s (most of my coworkers are like 30-38 meaning they would've been between the ages of 6-14 by 2000). And again, I hear stories about people having a third place in the 90s such as malls and shit lol and I'm thristing for a third place. The 90s are also close enough for me to understand most of the references and the cultural vibes of the time but also the internet wasn't the way it is today and there is a lot of touching grass among things that are more modern compared to the 70s. I also think that it's crazy that the way that I thought of the 70s growing up in the 2000s is the way that kids these days think about the 90s since the 90s were about 30 years ago. I wouldn't say I have a super great view of the 80s though. A lot of it is due to Reagan and his legacy and the cluster fuck that is late stage capitalism and failed Reaganomics. I also think it's because of the college I went to where a lot of students were politically conservative and would wear Bush-Reagan '84 t-shirts everywhere. Like, culturally and politically, I felt like I was in the 80s but like, without any of the fun aesthetics. It was awful lol. But that said, I think there is a sort of naivity around capitalism and trusting the system that is cute and feel wholesome lol. Like, aww, you think you can be rich and be the next Donald Trump without that being an insult and you think that rich people are here to help you?? That's cute. I think that's why older boomers get scammed so easily because they still have that trust in people because they still have some faith because they didn't deconstruct everything and fall into cynicism. And even though that isn't conducive to today's landscape, sometimes I think about the doomer tendencies that are everywhere and contrast that to the 80s optimism. I feel like comparing modern movies to post modern ones explains this well: Also like what I said in the 50s which I think also generally applies to the 70s through 90s: In addition to the above, unions are also so sooo sexy.