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About soos_mite_ah

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  • Birthday 10/22/1999

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  1. yall are doing coke lol ???
  2. @Roy I've been dealing with this issue for years now and I've been reflecting about this recently on how this is something that I finally have come to a resolution to in my own life. Idk to what extent it will resonate and to what extent it will help but I just thought I'd share this. I feel like a lot of this, granted there is no other drama or messiness involved, is a natural part of growing up. I think that especially when you're in your teens and twenties that people are incredibily dynamic in the way that everyone is growing at different paces, directions, and ways entirely. Because of varying factors ranging from our peer groups who lack life experience, to the way that movies and TV portray friendships, to the way that older people sometimes talk about friendships , there is this notion that friends are forever and your real friends will be the ones who stick with you til the end. I have personally found according to my life experience that this is not the case and honestly, you can have real, genuine, fulfilling connections and they might just drift a part for whatever reason that is not either of y'all's fault. Because again, everyone is growing in different ways and doing different thigns in their lives. And in my opnion, it's unfair that people should always stick to one another since we all deserve to grow into the people we're meant to become, even if it means that we grow apart. And just because you grow apart, doesn't mean you won't one day grow back together again. I've had friendships where I have gotten to a place where I had to go do my own thing for a few years and then reconnect with people. I have friend groups where we go through different seasons and different people are closer to others at different times. And just like the seasons, it circles back again. Just because a season with someone has passed doesn't mean that afterwards yall aren't close anymore and the relationship is dead. Rather, sometimes it means that it's an off season and you're better off nuturing other relationships or other areas of your life for a little while. I kind of had a similar issue as well and I still find myself sometimes feeling a little bitter when I find myself being the main one to reach out. But something that has helped me is voicing that concern by quite literally saying that "hey I really like hanging out with you and I feel like otherwise we have a healthy dynamic but I often find myself being the one that reaches out more often and that makes me uncomfortable at times because it feels unequal and I'm afraid of being in a situation where it's not reciprocal." And see what they say and how they react. If they were doing this unintentionally, they will start being the ones to reach out more often. The reason why it's sometimes unintentional is because sometimes we get used to a certain dynamic (i.e. you being the one to initiate) to where that feels like the norm and expectation and they just get into a pattern of eventually expecting you to reach out instead of feeling like they need to be more proactive about it. And it isn't anything about selfishness or expecting you to do all the work, sometimes it's about going along with a pattern that was previously established and not really made conscious. They most likely don't think you're a loser or that you're annoying. As far as obligations go, I apologize if this is too obvious, but I find that as I get older I have to full on slot people into my google calander as an appointment of sorts on a regular basis to ensure that I'm nurturing that relatinship (i.e. every Sunday at 6:30pm and on wards I'm talking to friend X on the phone or facetime). I'm pretty sure teenage me would see this as less spontaneous and kind of like an obligation and as a result less authentic but at this stage of my life, if anything I see this as pretty authentic as I am carving out time for a person on a regular basis. I wouold also look into your attachment style. Sure that whole thing is often refered to romantic relationships but honestly, I guess because of the way my life has gone, I have greatly benefitted from healing my attachment style particularly when it comes to platonic relationships. At the end of the day human relationships are human relationships and odds are if you are anxiously attached in romantic situations, some of that likely bleeds into your friendships as well.
  3. And just by general principal, I think it's important to put more weight on the common good over what makes you personally most comfortable. Sure its sad that you aren't getting your preferences fulfilled, but the basic saftey and well being of others is more important.
  4. Random Little Thoughts @RendHeaven @Etherial Cat @Raphael @Myioko @modmyth I know yall follow this journal but I still felt like tagging y'all since I haven't been posting much on here. Hello there ^ - ^ I haven't been posting much on this site in general much less my journals. I was super consistent in the past but life has just been happening this year. I haven't been forcing myself to journal as I have noticed that this tends to be rather counterproductive rather I have been accepting that I am in a season where I'm focussing on different things in my life and working on them in different ways. I have recently made a few posts in the last few days in my journal Self Development To Do List. That journal is a simple reminder of the things I am currently working towards regarding my self development so that I can keep my thoughts organized and so that I can break down larger goals into smaller more actionable items. And my last two posts or so have been me contemplating on how far I have come in my development since the time I started that journal back in March 2021. I've also just been thinking about in general how far I have come since the last year as this is my final semester in college and just a year ago it was my first semester coming back in person due to the pandemic. I feel like the main reason why I haven't been journalling all that much this past year is because this year I made it a priority to be less in my head and just go out and experience life tangibly whether it is making plans with friends, studying abroad, travelling, having a part-time internship, or focussing on my internship. Let's just say ya girl has been busy. I have had enough time to take care of myself thankfully and have some space to self reflect. However, I haven't had the most luck on translating that into paper. I don't really feel bad about it as I know what my schedule looks like and how my energy levels and priorities are currently lining up to it. Nevertheless, I am growing a lot as a person and I honestly feel like that frontal lobe is growing stronger and stronger everyday lol. And in prioritizing life experience over contemplation for this last year, I would say that I have grown considerably. I would say one aspect of my life that I have grown considerably in is in my relationships both platonically and romantically. I have exercised and really strengthened not only my ability to be vulnerable to people but also being vulnerable in appropriate times in order to ensure I have a healthy dynamic with them. In doing so, I was able to create strong and authentic relationships and I got help with some of the stuff I was dealing with in a very constructive way. I also learned about ways to maintain friendships especially as an adult when things can get busy and you have to be intentional about keeping in touch with people. I have branched out considerably since last year and met a lot of new and really good people. And for the first time, I am in a romantic relationship. This is a huge milestone for me and I think it's still pretty exciting even though I've been dating him for about 5 1/2 months now. I've really been getting to know myself and what kind of partner I am in different contexts. Most importantly of all, I think the ways that I have been handling the relationship with my boyfriend is really indicative of how far I've come as a person and I can really see a lot of my self development work really paying off and manifesting in this connection. Some of those ways include how direct my communication style is, how I'm able to set boundaries and manage my time, how secure my attachment style is, how patient I'm capable of being, and how I am still working on myself outside of this relationship etc. I think a lot of things have been going smoothly despite some obstacles I have come across relating to my schedule, work load, and travels. I have some more ideas as to what would be a good career choice for me going forward. I have talked to a few companies and I have been checking in with my friends who have graduated and entered the workforce to see how they were doing and what I could learn from them. I learned about the kinds of work I want to do more of and what I want to do less of. I learned about how important it is for me to actively interact with people in my job and how I can't do tasks that isolate me from others for a long period of time. I learned about how important the pacing of a work culture and job is to me in that it can't be so fast paced to where I'm always burnt out and exhausted and it can't be so slow paced that it's mindnumbingly slow. And finally, I have had time to think about what kinds of benefits are most important for me and the things I need to focus on when searching for employment. Plus, getting some work experience to help out my skinny legend of a resume is always a plus. And finally, not to sound cliche, but my study abroad program and the week I spent travelling after that really helped me get more sure of what I wanted in life. I feel like generally I'm always stressed about something. If it's not school, it's home and vice versa. And for once, I was able to get away from both of those things and think clearly. Not to mention getting out of the country was a big reset for me as well as the U.S. has been incredibly chaotic in the last few years. To put it shortly, it helped me think of what life is capable of being and what I want if all of my needs were covered (hence the previous post in this journal). I feel like that is such an important realization for me because for years I have been so focused on advocating for my needs that I never had the chance to ask myself what I wanted. I think it gave me some goals to reach for as well as something to really look forward to in my future which really helped with the numbness I was feeling for the last few years and the doomer spirals I would find myself falling into. I still see myself in the season of experiencing life more externally and externally building a strong foundation as of right now rather that being in a season of contemplation and doing inner work in that direction. Meaning, I don't think I will be journalling regularly just quite yet both on here and on my blog The Upward Spiral which I haven't updated in forever. But I will say, writing this all out and journalling after such a long time felt really nice.
  5. what do you mean "propaganda-like bullshit videos"? Also, what is the main appeal of amateur porn to you? Just trying to understand this perspective because I thought what PornHub did was a good thing overall.
  6. Recognizing How Far I've Come I decided that I wanted to go through my previous entries to reflect on how far I have come and exercise self compassion to my past self. Comments from my current self in 9/17/22 is in red. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two posts above made me think back to how much shame I was carrying with me and how much I have cleaned up from my psyche. I feel like one of my largest points of growth in this past year or so has been in the dimensions of personal relationships and learning to be gentle with myself through self acceptance and by letting go of needing to have my life together at all times. I feel like I really opened myself up to vulnerablity in a very positive and constructive way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two posts really makes me empathize with who I was last year and the heaviness I had to work through. Like I just want to go back and give my past self a hug and some reassurance by showing her how she resolved and processed all of these emotions less than a year later. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel like these two specific To Do Lists really set the foundation of how well this year has been going for me from a growth standpoint. I think I did a really good job at identifying action items that would give me the best pay off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like the section on this list where I talk about the things that I made a point to maintain. I feel like I got a lot out of that and I'm proud of the discipline that I used and that grew within me to keep this up as consistent things in my life. And I belive that I'm at a point where I built up a lot of positive habits that I can maintain to ensure that the good things in my life are relatively solid rather than a product of luck where I don't know how to keep what I have been blessed with because I didn't work for it if that makes sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another thing that I have been thinking about as I've been going through my old posts is how I have taken a break from the spiritual side of self development in order to build a more solid and healthy ego. I do want to get into spirituality more in the future once I have built a solid foundation for myself (and by that I mean have become independent from my parents, experienced some of the things I really find fulfilling in life, and become more financially stable). I can see myself doing that in the next few years. I have detailed those things down here: But I don't need to do everything I ever wanted before diving back into spirituality. Something that I found really important for me is to not give myself a set timeline and not rush having certain life experiences. You don't have to cram your entire lifetime and experiences into your 20s. I can see myself getting more into spirituality in the next 1-3 years or so incrementally.
  7. @Tron why lol? I didn't say anything bad about him other than that it's taking me a minute to feel attraction and I'm trying to figure out where my sexuality falls under this. I mean, I enjoy being around him and we work well together.
  8. My Main Life Goals So when I got to travel around a bit after my study abroad program, I finally got more space to think about what I actually wanted out of life because I wasn't stressed from school or from family. I jounaled about this in my private journal offline but I thought I'd just insert it here as well: Travel Around Live in a walkable area with good public transport Live/Settle in a Different Country (New Zealand) Create, Maintain, and Build strong friendships Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life Workout ambitions Have a kid and raise them well Be financially secure and make money to fund all of this (and figure out career ambitions eventually) Workout ambitions (things I want to get into): (Items on the bulletted lists that are bolded are things I'm focussing on now) Strength Training: Build muscle, max out on different machines, intimidate gym bros Ice Skating: A hobby I like Yoga: for meditative purposes and flexibility Pilates: It seems fun Spin: It seems fun Skiing: A hobby I like Hiking: Seems fun Pole Dancing: That’s impressive lol Having a kid and raise them well (once I'm like in my 30s or so (in other words not now or the near future)) Be financially secure Pick a good partner and have a solid relationship Have hobbies, a support group of friends, and somewhat of a settled down life outside of the U.S. Live a life well lived so you don’t have any regrets Educate yourself on how to raise kids Be educated, open minded, and prepared for anything Work through all of your trauma and break generational curses Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life: Have a starter relationship Try a polyamorous dynamic Have somewhat of a hoe phase and try out your kinks Settle down with someone you really like Feel safe exploring your sexuality (*cough* *cough* Roe v. Wade) Financial Goals: Buy a house or apartment in NZ Fund my travels Support myself with no problems Get independent from my family Have a few additional sources of income other than my main job for security purposes Retirement Emergency Funds Financial stability for my future family Fund my education if I want to pursue more Other random little things I want to do: Be fluent in Spanish Learn to speak Hindi Go on a few meditation retreats Experiment with psychedelics a couple times Actually read the books from your undergrad education Sky diving Bungee Jumping Write a couple books and keep blogging Get a few tattoos Travel Ambitions: More details in my personal journal (the one that are clustered are like a package deal as in when I go to Portugal, I'm going to hit up Spain and Morocco as well) Canada México Cuba Brazil Portugal Spain Morocco Greece Turkey Cyprus Maldives (might want to get on that before they sink) Sri Lanka India (Jaipur Trip) Nepal Pakistan Australia Japan South Korea Fiji Bali Thailand Next Time You Visit Family: UAE (abu dhabi + other experiences) Qatar Other things I want to see Amsterdam Again The Northern Lights/ Midnight Sun
  9. Update: I decided to not have the conversation with him after I had a few days to calm down about all of this. I was still willing to give this a chance because there was something in my intuition telling me to do so. It was surprisingly easy for me to keep in touch with him during that month and a half and I took that as a sign that I can see this person being in my life. When I came back to the U.S., I was still nervous about potentially getting the ick from him. I decided to get a little bit more physical because 1) I was touch starved, 2) I felt like I didn't have enough info about how I felt about him, and 3) I was moving into my college dorm and I finally had more privacy. I would say after that I was pretty sure that even though I wasn't exactly attracted to him, it wasn't so bad to where it would affect our relationship or that I'm like turned off by him. I could see that as something that could grow over time. Fastforward like a month to now, I feel like we have a very healthy and solid relationship. I feel very comfortable around him both physically and emotionally and we're both really good at communicating with one another. He treats me really well and of course I like to reciprocate. I do feel like I am growing more attached to him and that I definitely like him now that I've known and dated him for a little over 4 months now. Attractionwise I feel like it's going to take some more time as we deepen our reltionship for this to grow. I do feel something attractionwise but I will admit that it's still not to the point where I'm attracted to him just yet. Honestly, I think I might be demisexual at this point.
  10. Not making a new To Do List but I thought I'd clean things up a bit.
  11. I'm currently a college student but I am graduating on December. While freelancing or having my own business is an aspiration of mine, it's not something that i feel compelled to pursue at this time. As someone who is entering the professional workforce for the first time, I think it would be valuable to take this journey step by step and by starting out with working a regular 9-5 for an employer first before going off and doing my own thing. I also need to get a better idea as to what kind of career I want but that isn't the thing in my life that is front and center at the moment. Right now I'm just concerned with getting a job after graduating so I can be financially independent from my parents. I think the life purpose and getting clear on your values are something that can serve as a compass for your future goals going forward for a wide variety of situations and areas in your life. It's also something that grounds you and it can be a big goal centering you or a lot of smaller goals. Like it can look like 7 years of med school or it can look like nurturing your relationships and having travel goals. Because something that I'm noticing is that I have a lot of ambitions, it's just that none of them are career related as of right now.