soos_mite_ah

7 Levels of Wealth: I think I'm in a good spot financially. I am making a decent amount of money relative to my lifestyle. My bills are automated. I have a good amount of financial awareness regarding how much I make, how much I spend per month and on what, the amount I have allocated towards investments and savings, and being able to allocate part of my money towards the things I really care about. I've also been working on my relationship with money since I do have a tendency to worry and being overly stingent with budgets. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can spend money on things that matter to me and that I want without panicing or shaming myself. And I have peace of mind knowing that I'm on track with my financial goals because I have run the numbers. Level 1 and 2 don't really apply to me and I feel like I have solidly surpassed those levels. So I will be looking ahead in this video from Level 3 and beyond. Level 3: Security You're here if: You know how much you make and spend. You have a small emergency fund. Your debt is gone or under control. You've started investing consistently. What to do from here Increase emergency fund to cover 3-6 months of expenses. Increase your investments to at least 10% of take home pay. Start learning about your cross over point (the point when your investments make more than your expenses):I do not know what my cross over point is right now. Level 4: Growth You're here if: Your investments are growing and are consistent You know when your investments are going to hit $100k or $1M You think terms of percentages and strategy: Yes, I know the power of compound interest lol. It's also good that I'm not paying a financial advisor a percent based amount that could cost a ton of money down the road due to the missed opportunity from compound interest. You have made tradeoffs to grow your wealth: This mainly includes stuff relating to my job, educational prospects, etc. What to do at this level: Increase your investments 1% per year: already doing this with my 401k Ask when do you want to be work optional: I feel like right now, I'm more focussed on finding meaningful work than figuring out when I want to be work optional. Because I'm currently at a job that I don't particularly like and if you asked me on a very surface level on when I want be work optional, I would say right now. But deep down inside, I know that if I were to quit my job tomorrow, even though I know that I'll be fine financially, I wouldn't be comfortable having a gap on my resume long term and I do need the structure of a job to make me feel like I'm working towards something. Since I don't have a meaningful career yet, I feel like if I were to quit my job tomorrow without anything lined up and do nothing, in a few weeks I will devolve into being an aimless blob. Reflect (What money beliefs have I changed my mind about in the last 5-10 years?): I feel like I have been consistently working on my mindset around money for the last couple of years and I have had a solid foundation of financial literacy growing up both from my own research as well as from my dad's influence. I think my biggest mindset shift has been moving away from being afraid of money and in panic mode to being comfortable with where I am at as of now because I'm aware of my goals and I can enjoy myself knowing that i'm still headed in the right direction. Level 5: Freedom You're here if You could stop working tomorrow and be fine: I'm putting this in green because I will be fine financially but emotionally is a different question. You can say "no" to work you don't want to do: I'm not at this point careerwise yet. I feel like I need more career capital to be able to be in a position where I can get a job easily in my desired industry. I'm still pretty entry level given that I graduated college like 2.5 years ago. And again, having a gap in my resume isn't ideal at this point. You're now planning in terms of years, not paychecks What to do at this level: Define your rich life: I feel like I'm pretty clear about my values and my long term financial desires. Set a Worry-Free Number (a dollar amount under which you don't even think about spending >> shift your mindset from scarcity to freedom): I don't have a worry-free number broadly speaking but I do have a worry free number in certain categories. If something is under $20 for a little treat for myself or if dinner for my partner and I is under $40, I don't worry about it. Travel wise, I have a budget of $5000 a year which is pretty generous considering my travel habits. The place where the worry free aspect comes in is that after I budget for the flights and lodging, I have a worry free amount for food (about $15 per meal) and experiences ($100 per experiences). Level 6: Abundance: You're here if: You've maxed out your financial systems: I'm not there yet. I'm working on maxing my 401k over time but I did max out my Roth IRA annually. I also feel like I can do more regarding additional investments. You spend freely on what you love: I would say so. You've built a financial team (accountant, advisor, attorney etc. depending on your needs): I don't really have a necessity for those thing right now personally speaking but my dad does have an accountant who helps our family to do our taxes and an advisor for little things there and there. You give generously: This is something I want to work on more. I do things here and there regarding donations and I do tip at least 15-20% when I go to eat out. But I want to get more comfortable with helping out friends and family. What to do at this level: Set No-budget zones: I don't think I'm at this level yet in terms of my income. Refine your team: I don't really have a team that needs to refined lol. Find new ways to give back with money, time and wisdom: I do this by spending time with people I care about, by volunteering, and just doing various hobbies that makes me happy. Level 7: Legacy (I'm not going to bother putting this at red or green because I'm not at a place where I'm considering these things yet due to my place in life right now. This section is just for reference purposes to be pointed at a larger direction a decade or two down the line) You're here if: You have achieved true financial independence: Nope You're thinking generationally (bigger than your self ie. your family, community etc.): I don't think I'm there yet both in terms of my finances as well as where I'm at with my life as a whole. You're building something bigger than yourself: Not there yet. What to do at this level: Get clear on your legacy goals (What do you want to be remembered for, besides money? Do you want to donate to something and set up a trust or estate plan?): Not there yet but it has been interesting seeing my dad grapple with this type of stuff. Spend time with people, mentor them, share, and surround yourself with people thinking on this level): Not there yet but it has been interesting seeing my dad grapple with this type of stuff. What to do to enhance my financial life given my situation: Learn about my cross over point and when I'm going to hit $100k and $1M: I think overall, I have good financial habits that is pointing me in a good direction and I know where exactly I'm going. But I'm still unclear about how long it's going to take me which I think interferes with the extent I can plan for my future. I guess my financial life feels like I'm driving using a GPS towards my destination but I don't know what time I'm estimated to get there by. I feel like accomplishing this goal will contribute in me being solidly in the stage 4/5 category. Build more career capital and find a job that you actually care about: pretty self explanatory tbh. Start getting more serious on investing: I think I want to work with an advisor on that and start looking into some index funds. Most of my money is in savings and I think it would be good if I can utilize that to maximize on my returns via investments rather than having it just sit there in my account. Continue working on your relationship with money so you show up and be more generous in your life: again pretty self explanatory.

are you fucking kidding me!?!?!?! FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK...................... i hate it here.

I Feel Like The World Is Falling Apart There is a therapy post that I saw a while back that essentially said that it's common for people to feel like the world is falling apart given everything that is going on, but "the world falling apart" isn't an exact emotion. And that post was encouraging people to define what consists of the "I feel like the world is falling apart" sentiment. I feel a sense of dread because I actually paid attention in school and the stuff that we're seeing on the news is very much giving Nazi Germany. I don't know how deep this hole goes for this country and when we will start turning around for the better. Regular citizens are getting yoinked and deported. The Heritage Foundation is trying to take the right to vote away from anyone whose name doesn't match their birth certificate (which is the case for most married women who changed their last name when they got married). The measles are back. Elon Musk is trying to buy elections and fuck up government programs. The government is picking fights with other countries for no reasons and severing diplomatic ties. People are talking about getting burner phones when travelling internationally so ICE doesn't get to them. The press is getting supressed. The education has been and still is a mess. And AI and convenience culture is largely causing us to be depressive and hedonic slobs while isolating us from one another and eroding creative thinking and critical thought. I feel a sense of apathy, disassociation, and complacency because I feel like I have to ignore how I feel and what's going on in the world in order to function and go to work. Like no matter what happens, I'm just a dumb corporate cog. I know I'm trying to cope with this by focusing on my own life and my immediate surroundings so I can focus on what I can control rather than spiral about what I can't, but it feels wrong that I'm not doing more. I don't even know what more is. I feel a sense of powerlessness and disillutionment in the face of activism as I watch the world burn because even though I educate myself, have difficult conversations with those around me, and I do my best to live in an ethical, conscientious way, the world is crumbling around me due to forces that are much bigger and richer than myself. I know that I should organize and I should be more politically active, but there is a part of me that thinks *what's the point, the oligarchs and corporate interests already bought out most politicians to where we don't have a meaningful left/party for workers rights.* So it's like, instead of doing that which feels futile, let me just focus on my own life. I know that's not the right attitude to have and that's the very attitude that perpetuates this shit but it's hard to not have that reaction given everything going on. If I'm working a basic corporate job that doesn't really help people, I might have some degree of stability but then it's like I have to cut myself of what is actually going on. But if I have a job that actually helps people, my line of work is unstable and under threat and I'm still in this place of powerlessness because even if my job helps people, I'm limited by this toxic system. I feel a sense of repressed anger. I'm angry at the facists, the racists, the homophobes, and the haters who quite frankly have nothing better to do in their lives than to glue in on Fox News. I'm angry at the complacent overconsumption zombies that are constantly marketing to me with regressive trends like trad wives, that girl, feminine energy, pink pilates princess, or just any one who uses the phrase "run don't walk" when talking about their Amazon store front. I'm angry at the Democrats for their malicious incompetence to get us to this point because their corporate interests and career prospects are more important than the people in this country. I'm angry at Elon Musk to where everytime I see a cybertruck I get pissed off. I'm angry at all of the silicone valley technofacists who are draining the life and connection out from everything using automation, convenience apps, AI, etc. And the reason why I say that I feel a sense of repressed anger rather than outright saying that I feel angry is because I feel like my anger response has been significantly blunted from years of having to hold my tongue in the face of injustice because *that's not how you handle things* and because I have been lulled by the apathy and complacency. Like it's great that I'm able to regulate my emotions and be a "responsible adult" but sometimes I wish I was that angry, irritated teenager again because at least she had some claws and could tell people off. I feel a sense of disgust and shame because of how my anger is repressed and how I feel like there is not much I can do. I feel a sense of disgust because I have a freeze reaction to the stressors around me when it now than ever important to fight. I feel disoriented because the news is updating by the second, things are getting overturned and then undone, and there is so much constant flip flopping to where I don't even know what exactly I'm dealing with. Don't even get me started with the tariffs and the uncertainty around that. I feel unheard and resentful. I don't mean personally unheard, but unheard on a collective level. It feels like there is no one who is genuinely advocating for the good of the people and most people are just grifting psychos. I feel unheard because it feels like right wing populism is the only game around town and there isn't a meaningful, left wing populist alternative. I feel worried when I see various social trends that have regressive undertones. I know that pendulums swing. I know that spiral dynamics is at play. And I know that the Four Turnings suggest that this won't last forever and eventually we'll get a time when we have more of a positive tragectory. But sometimes I wonder if those are just comforting tales I tell myself to prevent myself from falling into despair. There is nothing wrong with using a lie or three to get through a difficult time so long as you don't completely delude yourself, but I'm scared that I'm holding on to a baseless sense of hope in these theories. I guess you can argue that these theories aren't baseless in the way that they have evidence backing them up but at the same time, I feel like I'm leaning on the predictions. And in an unpredictable world, theoretical predictions do not feel stable. I feel unstable in that I don't know what my surroundings have in store for me and how to plan my future accordingly. It messes with my ability to look forward to things. I feel like I'm on edge because I need to prepare for the worst. I feel a sense of grief. I feel grief when I think of the type of country we could have become given the resources we have. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the ways our destiny as our country splintered off with each election. I feel a sense of grief given the timeline we're at. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the various human rights violations I have learned about from the genocides happening around the world, to the deportations, to the ways regular people are getting terrorized by right wing lunatics. Hell, I even feel a sense of grief when I think of life pre-Covid. I feel numb because it feels like this chaos has been going on for like 10 years and because it doesn't seem to be getting better. I feel numb because it feels like everything is futile and no one is being held accountable. Like things that would be considered political scandels are just considered normal now. I guess it's good that I'm not flying off the handle and I'm not becoming cripplingly depressed or so angry that I'm trying to start a riot, but sometimes I wonder if that is the case, not because I'm doing a good job at regulating myself and coping, but because I'm numb and I'm overregulating my emotions. I feel disillusioned by the democratic system. Part of me wants to normalize this suffering and say *Grow up, the U.S. isn't anything special. Most of the world hassome form of authoritarianism with restrictions on free speech, protesting, etc. along with corruption in their government.* And yes, this sentiment is correct in that the U.S. is not better than any other part of the world and given the right mix of material conditions it too will fall apart. Like was never an American exceptionalist by any means. I know this mindset isn't helpful in the way that it creates a complacent attitude of doomerism. But part of me feels like this sentiment is coming through because my brain is trying to normalize the chaos and suffering in order to not have to deal with how bad things have gotten. I also feel disillusioned on behalf of my parents who believed in the American dream stronger than I did to where they immigrated to this country pre-9/11. They had a more hopeful view of this country, partly because of the propoganda, partly because it was a better life compared to where they were coming from. But the politics have devolved into something that is similar to what they remember from back home, and it's scary because they never thought the U.S. could fall this far. I don't feel the same sense of shock as them because I didn't get to experience the stability of the 90s and I feel like I have dealt with some degree of chaos from this country from childhood but this, this feels particularly bad. I don't remember much about politics pre-2015 because I was a child and naturally didn't pay attention to politics like that, but I very much remember it not being like this.

That makes sense. There's a difference between intellectually understanding certain topics versus emotionally integrating lessons to where you move to tier 2. Noted. That's good insight in order to go deeper with the topics you have presented. I appreciate this I like the way that you expressed this point. I think one of the issues with stage Green with their moral relativism is the way that they put everything on an even playing field (i.e. thinking all cultures are equal). Which isn't all bad. It's a necessary step to see all people and cultures as equal in value to combat the prejudices in the previous stage. However, this can also lead to a loss of nuance which can muddy the waters in various evaluations. I feel like part of the reason I didn't fall victim to the rising trend of trad wives is because I was able to see the way that the various stages interpreted it and how they are co-opting the aesthetic and life style thanks to Spiral Dynamics. At the same time, I do believe that if you don't have a solid foundation of Green, it's very easy to use Sprial Dynamics as a tool to further reinforce prejudice and be quite ableist towards people. For example, while lots of places in the Middle East range from Purple to Blue, it's a fucked up assertion to say that people who live there are some how lesser in value and less human due to their sprial stage. It also ignores the way that the reason lots of regions regress into Purple and Red is due to western interference and destabilization. Like of course some people are going to gravitate toward violent ideologies after their familes were blown up and they have nothing to lose. But that doesn't mean that those people are any less human and that these populations don't deserve aid to rebuild. If anything, that's the way to move up the spiral, by getting your basic needs met first. And needing to get your basic needs met first relates to your notion in the way that patriarchy is feature rather than a bug of earlier human development. I think saying that in the context of this conversation and your points above is different from the stage Blue argument that a lot of eugenicists made about how women and POC are genetically inferior and are inclined to subserviance in order to further reinforce existing power structures. I also think that what is considered feminine and masculine can be arbitary. The sun can be seen as masculine in some cultures whlie in other cultures it's seen as feminine. I myself come from a culture where softness, daintiness, and vulnerability aren't really front in center when it comes to what it means to be feminine. Sure, it's one expression of femininity, but femininity comes in many forms and it's on you to find what forms of femininity feels authentic to you, regardless of gender, and what it means for masculinity and femininity to be balanced. If I were to put a number on things, I would say that I'm like 60% masculine and 40% feminine from a western standpoint. My boyfriend is the opposite and I guess that's why we balance each other out well in our relationship. Masculinity =/= men and femininity =/= women. Sure they may be correlated but again, due to the ways that what we consider to be masculine and feminine differing in the collective and the way that people have what they consider their own personal equilibrium on an individual level, integration can be complex. I mean, even if you're nonbinary, you still have a sense of balance in masculine and feminine energy which influences your gender expression. So while I don't believe in gender roles because of the way that it constricts us from our natural self-expression, I also don't think that throwing out masculinity and femininity as concepts is helpful either. I think if we take out the collective notion of these energies and the individual meanings we ascribe to them to relate to these energies, at it's core, categorizing masculinity and femininty is a way that we articulate duality. Whether you think the sun is masculine and the moon is feminine, or if you think the sun is feminine and the moon is masculine, both are pointing to a dualistic relationship. And if you find yourself having trouble integrating the opposite duality, that can cause issues with coming from a whole, self assured, and self aware way in the way that you create shadows in the process. Which goes back to you point on why it's hard for men and women to integrate various concepts and stages

@Emerald Hey Emerald. I'm looking to contemplate these questions more but I thought I'd jot down some initial thoughts for the sake of discussion. I'm looking forwards to hearing your thoughts and feedback. My answer to that is no. I don’t think any form of oppression is natural, whether it’s along the lines of race, gender, sexuality, class, etc. These are man made systems, that create man made problems, that are solved by man made solutions. If something was inherent to human nature, we wouldn’t have to make so many systems to enforce what already comes natural to us. Nature is diverse and very unpredictable especially when it comes to humans. It isn’t inherently patriarchal or matriarchal rather the way that a society originally forms is largely dictated by the material conditions that enable survival in a particular environment. Honestly, I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to pick a fight, but I feel like this question can have the same vibe of eugenicists in the 1800s who would argue if it was natural for Black people and Asian people to be oppressed. I think generally speaking, it’s good for society for women to be empowered in the aim to create a more egalitarian and just society because women’s rights are human rights. And when human rights are strengthened and expanded, that is a win for everyone, not just the marginalized. However, I do think that in some instances there is a real danger for introducing something too much or too soon which can lead to some nasty ego backlashes. For example, South Korea has greatly developed economically, politically, and socially from the 1950s before the Korean War. Hell, prior to the Korean war, South Korea was seen as the poorer Korea compared to the north which is an absurd statement to utter in 2025. Since then, women have made great progress regarding having personal independence such as when it comes to participating in the work force and being just as if not more educated than men due to having to score higher on exams just to get the same opportunities as men. While the country has made great strides in their economy and their infrastructure to match other first world countries, socially, it’s taking some time for them to catch up. There was a lot of change within a generation or two and as a result, South Korea has a really bad incel problem which is affecting things from women’s personal safety to declining birth rates. Despite the bad incel problem, I don’t think it’s a mistake for South Korea to give more empowerment to women. I don’t believe that women should slow down their fight for equality and their well being due to fragile male egos. Nevertheless, accelerationism in any aspect of development, even when it comes to women’s rights, isn’t always the most sustainable pace. Additionally, I think this goes along with the anti-acceleration argument, that we cannot go into countries and force them to develop before their time. The language of empowerment can also be co-opted to perpetuate dangerous colonial dynamics. For example, one of the arguments the U.S. state department used to invade Afghanistan is that the women need to freed. Let’s be so for real, this was largely a tool to frame the fact that we were sticking our nose where it doesn’t belong in a positive light so that the average person can justify this. And what happened as a result? From the time we invaded to the time we pulled out, Afghanistan was left as a bigger mess than it was previously. It’s like stabbing someone, which already causes a lot of damage, and then taking the knife out as if you’re helping, so that the person is left to bleed out and die. Another example of colonial dynamics co-opting the language of women’s liberation is how a lot of European countries had a “white savior” complex where they believed that by colonizing other countries that they are bringing civilization to them and are freeing their women. I’ll use India as an example. A lot of British colonizers believed that South Asian women were particularly oppressed by South Asian men. This was done to villainize South Asian men as more brutish than the British man. Not to mention, they were making these claims during the Victorian Era and we can’t exactly say that the Victorian Era British woman was particularly empowered. Basically, they were pointing the figure at the real patriarchal issues that were present in South Asia without realizing or owning up to their own hypocrisy. You could’ve also made the argument that South Asian women were more empowered compared to European women pre-colonization because they didn’t have the same puritan beliefs around sexuality and weren’t sexualized in the same way due to a lack of exposure to Christianity. My point is, what is considered empowering for women and what to do about that cross culturally is a delicate balance in terms of understanding your own biases and to what aim you’re using empowerment. Women’s empowerment in the Afghanistan example was a marketing tactic to justify our atrocities. Women’s empowerment in the India example was an exercise of hypocrisy due to the fact that people weren’t thinking about empowerment in an intersectional lens where gender politics intermingled with race and religion. I think that parsing out what is and isn’t authentic to people in the bedroom is a deeply personal topic. As a result, it’s difficult to parse out what is someone’s natural desires vs what is conditioning. I don’t think that being submissive bedroom indicates someone wanting to be submissive in real life no more than thinking that someone who likes mafia romance novels wants and element of that in real life. I think Contrapoints does a very comprehensive analysis of this dynamic. But if a 2-3 hour long video isn’t your cup of tea at this moment, I also think it’s fascinating that your political leanings can correlate with certain kinks you have. I just thought that this was a very funny (but also insightful) video in the way that it draws correlations from values and political leanings (which is lets be real a large product of socialization) and kink. I don’t think that women are designed to be oppressed. If we were designed to be oppressed, we wouldn’t have the desire for agency. It goes back to my original point that if something was so natural, we wouldn’t have to make a bunch systems and laws to enforce it. I think it’s a logical fallacy of sorts to assert that just because something has been around for a long time, that means that it is natural and right. Modern day racism has been around for the past 500 or so years due to the discovery of the new world and slave trade. I’m not saying that racism was invented in the 1500s, there has always been a form of tribalism and warring states. But I am saying that the racism and colorism we see now, isn’t the same as the discrimination people faced in the Roman Empire. The height of the Roman empire extended to north Africa and the middle east. I highly doubt that what we think of as the European or white members of the Roman Empire had something against the Middle Eastern members of the Roman Empire because white supremacy wasn’t invented yet. Sure, there was again, tribalism and colorism that was largely due to classism, but it wasn’t modern racism. Similarly, just because modern patriarchy has been around for longer than 500 years, that doesn’t mean that it’s natural just because it old. If anything, that notion that patriarchy is old and natural is part of what keeps us complacent. I know there is this narrative of men being the hunters and women being gatherers and nurturers, but this is a gross oversimplification. Studies show that even when we were in nomadic groups that people mostly got their nutrition from gathering in a lot of places. As a result, it can be inferred that both men and women were gatherers. Even when hunting was necessary, people would go out in mixed packs judging by different skeletons that were uncovered. It wasn’t just men who were doing the hunting. And plus, it goes without mentioning that the modern day nuclear family and “traditional” (really 1950s) gender roles weren’t how things functioned for a large chunk of human history and that the roles of men and women were much more blurred back when we lived in villages. I can't exactly say why modern patriarchy came about (I would need to look more into that) but I can say that things like colonization has made it more widespread to where it is seen as the default. I think the extent of which women are the weaker sex is exacerbated by modern beauty standards and femininity. The stereotype that women are less strong and shorter than men is exaggerated. There are plenty of women who are 5’7 and a 160lbs and plenty of men who are the same. And unfortunately, those women are looked at as humongous and are told to be more like other women who are 5’0 and 100lbs and those men are told that they’re waaay too short and they need to bulk up at the gym. And when these standards are perpetuated and internalized through self-policing, we tend to steer away from what is natural. I think that if more women did strength training as opposed to starving themselves and doing exercises focusing on losing weight so they don’t get “bulky” and if more men weren’t shamed for a lack of muscle mass, the divides would be smaller. Funny enough, I’m 5’2 and roughly 150lbs and my boyfriend is 6’2” and also about 150lbs. Apart from the height difference, we have similar strength levels at the gym when doing various exercises lol. Nevertheless, while I do think that the degree of which women are smaller and weaker than men is exaggerated, I do think there is some truth to that due to natural sexual dimorphism. Women do have higher healthy body fat percentages due to hormonal regulations and so that we are able to carry a pregnancy to term. And as a result, even if a woman weighs similar to a man, it’s less likely that she has the same muscle mass. However, I think strength can be subjective. Sure, men have more muscle mass and more upper body strength, but women have a whole lot more lower body strength and the ability to reproduce. In other words, I think it evens out lol on a biological level and as a result, it doesn’t justify the “female nature to be disempowered.” I also think that asserting that weaker bodies = nature to be disempowered is more rooted in creating a narrative for out brains to make sense of the world rather than inherent. Why does weaker bodies have to mean to be disempowered? Why is our brain creating that meaning and narrative? Because we can make the same arguement in the animal kingdom where mankind as a whole is pretty weak physically in that we can't fly, we can't run super fast, and we cannot see with the same precision as other species. But we have a different narrative in that situation where we aren't out here asserting that out weaker bodies means that we are disempowered in the face of other animals.

I think the trad fem stuff that's especially trending right now is an interesting and nuanced topic. The problem with aesthetics, as opossed to subcultures, is that anyone can latch on to the image and performance of an aesthetic and morph it according to their values. For example, I think a lot of the trad fem stuff stared out with women wanting to be not see their femininity as inferior, wanting to educate themselves on holistic medicine, and women trying to reject the hustle and grind culture that the girl boss feminism brought on in the 2010s. Which is all pretty Green leaning. But then, there are people who saw the trad fem stuff and shifted in more of a Blue direction where they became very religious and puritan or they took it in a more Orange direction in a trophy wife kind of route. I wrote about this in my journal posts and basically, I do think there is some movement towards green here but orange and blue co-opted the language of green to come of more progressive than they really are if you're interested in checking it out by any chance. And I think you're right about a fish that's already grown too bigg for a narrow fish tank analogy. There are some people who really romanticize this notion of a man taking control of the finances so they don't have to work because they grew up with mothers who were exhausted from doing all the work at home while working a full time job. But those people don't remember what things were actually like for women who had no choice but to submit to a husband because they couldn't have their own bank account with a father's or husband's permission. I don't think we can go back that far without having major consequences because with the exception of our current ego backlash, generally speaking the the fish few to big for the previous fishtank. I think truly green feminism, while it can still incorporate aspects of the trad wife stuff, also has a focus of tackling the issues with late stage capitalism because that's a way to include women in the global south who are much more exploited for their labor. I guess that's what I'm wondering, what are the uncomfortable questions that one needs to ask? Can you elaborate with some more examples?

Can you expand on this more please? And apologies on being late to the discussion, I just check this website here and there lol

1. Edit my resume according to the types of jobs I’m applying to 2. my job requires me to summarize and log time when I do various client chats. I use Ai only when I have a particularly long chat transcript where the client asked like 10+ questions so that the summary includes everything and it doesn’t take me 30+ min for case logging. 3. basic fact checking

A few videos I liked:

My Dream Life So I have been having some issues keeping up with and maintaining friendships in adult while also going through a rough friendship break up. I have journalled about this before but sometimes I find myself thinking that I'm childish for wanting to prioritize friendship over say a career or family (that includes blood relatives, romantic interests, and the nuclear family). I'm fortunate enough to be financially stable with a good amount of work life balance to where I have free time apart from having to rest and recuperate. And as a result, I have been trying to put my efforts in to pouring into my relationships but unfortunately, my friends aren't in the same boat regarding free time and financial stability so it has been difficult. However, this video gave me a lot of hope in the sense that my dream life to be surrounded by friends in a walkable city is possible. I feel like the video can stand alone and it's something everyone should watch but I'm going to break down the points by the time stamp regarding how I relate to it. 3:50 - 8:32 Spontaneity: I have been wanting more spontaneous hang outs with friends. It's been kind of unfulfilling that so much of my hang outs are like catch up sessions where you essentially have to make a meeting/ appointment with someone. It feels inorganic and it's like, if you're constantly having to catch up, you aren't living life alongside your friends rather you and your friends have lives completely separate from each other and you have to block out this extra time on the side to maintain this friendship, kind of like a part time job. And I think the logistics plays a large role in it. Katherine talks about how you have to make plans with people who live like an hour a way but when she moved to be like 5 min away from friends, it was very easy to just pop in or text/call someone and meet with them for like 30 min or something. She also talks about a lot of specific instances that this sense of spontaneity and flexibility played out in a positive way. 8:33 -13:50 The Campusification of My Life: Katherine talks about how living like 5 min away from friends has made life feel more like a college campus where you incidentally run into people you know on a regular basis. I think this goes hand in hand with the spontaneity points in that your friends are more baked into your regular routine. I think it's also nice to just see people out and about and it's one of many reasons why I like being in walkable spaces. It feels much more human to walk through places and see other people out and about than to drive through places where everyone is just in their little cars like pods. 13:51- 16:16 Aftercare of Hangs: I love the idea of just debreifing from things after hanging out with people and it's one of those things that I didn't think about like that as a consequence of walkable areas. 16:17 - 17:40 Favors n Errands: I feel like in my desire for community building and also what was modelled to me by my parents, I want to offer my friends help where I can. Like I've offered to help people move, drive them to the airport, meal prep, dog sit, etc. and while no one took me up on that offer and I'm perfectly alright with that, it does feel weird that I'm the main person who thinks to offer help in that way. I talked about this in therapy wondering if I was a people pleaser and my therapist was essentially like *soos_mite_ah, you aren't doing things because you feel obligated to do so, you have boundaries and are capable of asserting yourself, and you're in a place in your life where you do have the energy and time flexibility to do little favors here and there. You're not a people pleaser because being a people pleaser implies an inability to speak up for yourself and a situation where you're being run into the ground.* Basically, I'm not a people pleaser because I want to do little favors and errands, I'm just a community minded person. And the fact that there are people who live this way, makes me feel less crazy lol. 17:41 - 18:50 Coworking : This is another one of those things that I miss about college. Even when I was swamped with work, I could still see my friends and enjoy their presance. It's not the same with coworkers lol. And I have friends who are super busy with work who also work remotely. I have made the suggestion to do things more sponteneously or coworking together but, again, no one took me on that offer and I found myself thinking if I'm doing too much or if I'm encroaching / being annoying. But if we all lived in a 5 min walking distance around each other, it wouldn't be this big deal you have to plan and prep for. 18:51 - 20:18 Community Care: This section basically talks about on how livign like this also makes you want to be more involved in your community and local affairs. I have been wanting to do more of that but it always felt like an uphill climb and I couldn't put into words as to why so I always chucked it up to me lacking discipline or just not caring that much. But after watching this video, I found myself wondering if the reason why I felt disconnected from my town and community is because it's easy to by isolated in car-centric suburbs where you don't see people on a regular basis, hence have less community interactions unless say you were in school or like a PTA or something. 20:19 - 23:29 The Multiplying Effect: This section really resonated with me because of the way that you're more likely to meet people organically in walkable areas and how having friends in walkable areas can help you make more friends. I never resonated with the apps, whether they be dating or friendship apps. I don't think it's impossible to make friends from there but I feel like these apps worsen the issue with lonliness rather than give a solution (I could probably do a whole post on that tbh). I wish it wasn't seen weird by somepeople to strike up a conversation with a random person and then become friends that way. 23:30 - 25:05 Negatives: Basically, the only negative that Katherine talks about is how she's paying a little more in rent. I feel like the rent piece is the main thing that has me worried when thinking about moving to a more walkable area because the U.S. has like 6 walkable cities in the entire country and they're all expensive af. But when I think about my priorities and where I tend to spend my money, this seems like a worthy trade of. I think given my values, it would be worth living basically my dream life even if it meant paying a little more in rent. 25:06 - 31:05 Did It Kill My Loneliness?: Katherine says yes. And I'm not delusional enough to think that moving to a walkable area where I'm like 5 min away from all of my friends will solve all of my problems. But I do think it will solve a good chunk of them (like 80% ish). It would help me deal with a lot of friendship issues I have been having. Having a good community would help in these difficult and uncertain times or even in good times where I can share my life with people and have people share their lives back. It would help with day to day things that come up as well. And over all, I can see this being a decision that could bring a lot of fulfillment in my life given my values. I feel like a lot of my little existential crisis do have an element lack of community, connection, and sense of isolation: I feel like my current environment with living in the suburbs and working at a corporate job, I wouldn't say that it's draining but it does feel discouraging, not because there are people who are putting me down for the aspirations I have, but because I'm in an environment where certain things are normalized and I simply don't resonate with that. I don't care about the corporate ladder. I don't care about home ownership. I'm like 80% sure that I don't want kids. But the stuff I listed out, those are things that are at the forefront of what people aspire to and often talk about once they get to a certain age. There's nothing wrong with those things. But I find myself feeling like there is something wrong with me or that I'm some how stunted for not having the same aspirations because I'm not seeing many alternatives in my current envionment. Maybe the stuff that I want is unrealistic, but it's only unrealistic because I live in the suburbs and I need to be in an environment where I can do the things I want without it being a difficult uphill climb systemically to do so. Maybe I do need a change of space.

Depressive Hedonia I watched this video earlier and I have a lot of thoughts regarding American suburban life, corporate life, and the nuclear family. I feel like the thing that each of these things have in common is this notion of isolation from community and how we're just seen as individual little units rather than a broader collective. The suburbs and how car centric it is causes people to be in this situation where we don't really see eye to eye on a regular basis because we're all in our little pods when we're outside and when we're at home, we're all in our little boxes. There is a lack of serendipity and spontaneity in the suburbs. Not to mention there is a history of homogeny in the development of the suburbs back in the 1940s and 1950s that was built under the premise of exclusion on the grounds of racism and often homophobia. Corporate America also has similar issues regarding exclusion and homogenity. There is also the sense of alienation because most people cannot show up as their fully authentic selves at work without jeopardizing career opportunities or working relationships (lord knows I can't go on an political rant because my coworkers will probably look at me like I have a third tit). There is a sense of alienation where the worker doesn't have the same self interest as the management where the worker wants to do their jobs and then enjoy their lives (or do a little work as necessary) while the management wants to extract every bit of your time and energy for the sake of profit. This isn't just limited to corporate jobs, all jobs have this sort of dynamic one way or another. You're main reward for doing a good job is getting more work to do. But I feel like corporate specifically has a sense of coldness to it that cannot be said the same about working retail or working as a barista. I think part of it is the classes that are often found in either category and I feel like as you go up in class whether you're a middle class corporate person all the way to being a wealthy manager who is in the top 1%, people tend to get colder as the office politics, the power, and the money becomes bigger. In a way, while I do care about career progression, I'm kind of glad I'm in the bottom of the totem pole making a middle class esq kind of money because I'm around normal people rather than power hungry corporate pick mes (I've heard that while the lower parts of my company are chill that upper and middle management are MESSY). Then there is the nuclear family which suffers from both the isolation of suburbia and the drain of corporate America. It's heteronormative. It's cookie cutter in the sense that if you deviate from being a straight couple with a minimum of 2 kids people will likely think you're weird. Back in the day, it was seen as weird or a failure if you live with your parents and extended family, because why tf aren't you more successful and independent. While being child free is being seen as less weird now, there is a good chunk of people who will think that you're engaging in an alternative life style that they have no clue how to engage with if you decide not to have children. Hell, even if you decide to have a kid and just stop at one, people will think you're selfish because you're making the kid lonely because they don't have a sibling and/or they will think your kid is weird because there are a lot of unfortunate stereotypes around only children (girl, I've heard some crazy assumptions about me when people find out I'm an only). And there is this notion that if you don't have kids, you're basically going to die alone and unfulfilled because having kids is seen as the default ticket to community and fulfilling one's potential. And don't get me wrong, I do see family as an important component of community and I do see parenthood as something that requires a lot of time and effort and can come with a good pay off. But it's not for everyone and it doesn't gurantee anything. You kids can die or they can stop talking to you. They might not grow to be particularly close. There is a lot that can happen. Also, a lot of parents lose the light behind their eyes after having a kid. And I think a lot of it is the way that raising a kid can overwhelm you and how it can trap you in various life situations. I know my coworkers can just up and leave their jobs for example because they have families to take care of and a mortgage to pay. And because their jobs and childcare takes up like 90% of their waking lives, not only do they not have the energy to critically engage with a lot of things in life like hobbies, other relationships etc. but in a way, it's like they become like this zombie because work and childcare monopolized their whole lives and whole identities. I'm not saying this is all parents because I also know parents who are able to pour into their own cup and explore other interests along side with being a parent. But it's hard and not a lot of people are able to get to that point with no fault of their own. That monopolization of time, energy, and even identity along with any other stessors that might be going on in their lives, can cause people to feel like 5, 10, or even 20 years have passed by without them knowing. It's because they're overwhelmed and in survival mode for so long that they aren't even able to be concious and present as life is passing them by. Now going back to the video. At first glance, I thought this video was just going to talk about overconsumption and consumer culture. And it did talk about that but it also talked about other things as well. One particular concept that I found interesting was the topic of depressive hedonia. The video talks about this in the concept of people seeing shopping as a "hobby" because it is pleasurable thing to do but it doesn't really compel you to be mindful, grow certain skills, or engage with the people around you in the same way that other hobbies do. A lot of people use shopping as an escape from their difficult lives and often times, our quality of our work lives directly correlate to the quality of our personal lives in terms of work life balance. The video isn't black and white in the way that shopping can be part of a hobby but not the hobby itself. You can buy things in service of a hobby. You can also buy things out of appreciation for a hobby. For example, a person who is into working out and loves buying workout sets is not the problem nor is a person who is interested in the craftsmanship and the history of certain designers buying a luxury hand bag isn't the problem either. The compulsive shopping to find identity in the fantasies that are being marketed to you, to pass the time after a busy work week with the little time we have, to feel alive, that's the problem. Because there isn't much to do in the suburbs, sometiems I do think to myself after a long day of work that *maybe I should go to Sephora, Homegoods, and Target just to walk around and see what's up.* I don't really buy anything. I just think it's nice to walk around these stores because walking around in a car centric setting just feels depressing and walking on a treadmill feels boring because I want to get outside my apartment. It's like my alternative to living in a walkable area. But when I do walk around, I do find myself thinking about how weird it is that one of my forms of entertainment is just going to a store and shopping (even though I don't really buy anything since I'm pretty good about not making impulse purchases). And I know that there are people who are less mindful of their spending habits than I am who develop a shopping addiction or just a not so great relationship with consummerism with the same thing that I'm doing. What I'm trying to say is that I get on how people fall into the habit of mindlessly consuming especially when they live in a suburban area because it is a way to get some kind of novelty and walkability after a long day. The best way to describe the light going out in people's eyes when they get a corporate job or have kids and are burnt out is the concept of depressive hedonia in relation to the way they engage with pleasure and the world around them. I'll give an example regarding my coworkers and their vacation time. A lot of my coworkers when they go on vacation, they usually opt for a cruise or an all inclusive resort. I get that people's tastes in travel can differ and that not everyone wants to back pack around and stay at sketchy hostels like I do lol. There's nothing wrong with wanting to go to a different geographical location and just unplug from work, your responsibilities at home (i.e. taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning etc.), and break from your regular routine. At the same time, this form of vacationing, when it's the main form of vacationing you engage in, feels kind of like you're disconnecting from reality and disassociating rather than actively doing something that challenges you, gives you meaning, and leaves you feeling energized rather than lethargic. Not to mention, there is a whole slew of issues regarding the ethics of going on a cruise and staying at an all inclusive because of the way that these industries exploit locals. I wrote about this in a journal entry a while back regarding luxury travel: And I get why people do this. People are exhausted at work while balancing a kid or three and they don't want to worry about the logistics of a trip with planning a get away. I'm not judging my corworkers when they talk about their trips. But I will say that as someone engages with travel as a hobby, this does feel rather empty. I'm also not going to rain on anyone's parade and talk about capitalism, exploitation, colonialism etc. after a much needed vacation. But I do wonder to what extent my coworkers critically engage with this topic as well as how much they critically engage with other areas of their lives. I'm not going to assume that the answer is that they don't critically engage at all because they're grown and they have the capability to do so but I do think that while they have the capability, they don't always have the desire to utilize that ciritical thinking. And it's not to imply that they're lazy, unconcious, or lacking in depth because that's who they are at their core, but it is to question the material conditions that can deter people from critically engaging with the world, whether it be about their life decisions, what's happening in the news and politics, or engage in meaningful hobbies rather than mindless scrolling on TikTok shop. I'm not exempt from this. I too can have the thinking pattern of a vegtable after scrolling on social media too much, I could probably use more meaningful hobbies in my life, and I could engage in life more by actively doing things to enact change rather than passively consuming leftist media and video essays. I'm not coming at this from a place of cyncism where I'm judging people as checked out sheeple because I find myself resonating with the sheeple tendencies as well rather I'm coming from a place of curiousity. It's also so weird working in corporate because I do find myself learning a lot in my job and while I'm glad that I'm not in a *head empty no thoughts* kind of menial job, I don't find myself fufilled by any of the learning there. It doesn't hit the same as learning things in school, even when it came to subjects I had no interest in. The information I'm learning on the job is not information that really applies to my life outside of work versus the information I would learn in school. While I was learning things in school, I found myself feeling like the world makes more sense and that I'm taking in the world with more depth and understanding. I feel like the four years between graduating from high school versus graduating from college has me feeling like the difference between seeing the world in black and white versus viewing it in HD and in color. Like I'm able to take in so much more and engage with the world around me through what I learned in my classes. That's how I describe the feeling of being educated. And I cannot say that I feel educated despite learning a lot at my job. And I can see how people see this dynamic and either get turned away from learning anything new after getting a job because learning is associated with this sense of meaninglessness and even exhaustion in a capitalist setting that prioritize profit over everything else or they do care about learning but they're too exhausted toengage with things in a meaningful way because they already used up all of their mental and physical energy at work. Whether it's seeing shopping as a hobby, lazing around a beach while a cabana boy brings you a mojito, being checked out global and societal affairs, or not doing things that helps you learn or expand your world view, I think that this is indicative of a collective version of normalized depressive hedonia. And it's not getting better because our material conditions are getting worse. People are thristing for a narrative and meaning to escape this depressive hedonia which sometimes causes people to fall down facist pipelines which then produces more of the conditions that created this in the first place. It's harder to maintain stability when it comes to work. It's harder to manage a household when capitalism bleeds you dry, sets the environment on fire, and causes chaos and existential dread. It's harder to maintain meaningful relationships and activities when your time and energy are being monopolized. It's harder compared to what things were like before in many valid ways which then leads you back to romanticizing the past and potentailly falling into regressive patterns of thought. And it's tragic the way that the people who need to be having these conversations the most, the people who need to actively engage with the world around them to fight for their rights, are the people who are the least likely to because they don't have the priviledge to engage. Even having these conversations and these thoughts are indicative of priviledge of being able to do so. It's kind of crazy on how more aware I am of my own sense of survival after graduating from school and "being out there in the real world" despite having better conditions from when I was growing up. I get why people fall into various addictions to cope. I get why people numb themselves out through compulsory consumption. I get why people lose their identies and their sense to fight as they get older (and it's not just maturation alone). I get why people stagnate in self growth and self education. I get why people feel trapped. I get why people turn into the cubicle fish from Spongebob:

The Problems In My Life At This Moment I just want to vent about the problems that are currently affecting my life in order to process somethings because I feel like March has been a lot in terms of the mental load I've had. I'm going to order this according to what I feel the most pressing as well as what I feel is kind of frivolous. On a scale of 1-10 for pain, 1 is something that is a minor and annoying inconvenience while 10 is like I'm having a constant existential crisis to where I want to rot in bed all day. On a scale of 1-10 for how frivolous something is, 1 is to describe some heavy, serious shit while 10 is like the Kim Kardashian diamond earring meme. 1. I'm going through a bad friendship breakup. (Pain: 7 Frivolous Level: 8) I would say that this was at a 9 or 10 about a month ago but now it has dropped down to a 7 pain wise. I find myself ruminating a lot at night and getting into these negative thought spirals. I've mainly been journalling abou this privately in my notes app on my phone because I don't want to cause drama. I've found myself self isolating from my friends because this situation has caused me to close myself off and think that my presance is draining and negative. The general sense of depression is gone, only appearing at like 11pm at night which we all know, your brain tends to act tf up when you haven't been physically taking care of yourself whether it's because you need to sleep or because you haven't eaten a vegetable in three days. I would say I mainly struggle with social anxiety and self esteem issues at this point. I put the frivolous level at an 8 because I feel kind of silly for dealing with this situation at my grown age. Like I have insecurities that I haven't dealt with because I have resolved back in the past when I was like 17 cropping up again. Also, I feel like a lot of my friendship issues are kind of frivolous in that a lot of the people I know are dealing with much heavier shit than I am such as abusive working conditions, job loss, death, etc. and meanwhile I'm sitting here with my biggest problem being *i wish people would hang out with me more and tell me that they like me UwU* 2. I hate being the main person reaching out to make plans with people (Pain: 5 Frivolous Level: 10) I feel like this issue goes hand in hand with issue #1 but I put it in it's own category because I was dealing with this problem before issue #1 came up. I feel like if issue 2 is Magikarp, then it eventually evolved into issue 1 which is a Gyrados (my pokemon nerds will understand). Issue 2 started out as relatively harmless but kind of annoying and then it evolved into a strong and threatening issue that severely impacts my mental health. Pain wise, I would say before issue 1 came up, this was at like a 2. But since issue one poured gasoline on this, I'm putting the pain at a 5. I'm putting the frivolous level at a 10 because it feels more frivolous than issue 1. 3. My job feels stressful at times and my career prospects feel blurry (Pain: 4 Frivolous Level: 5) I'm putting the pain at a 4 because I would say that my job is exhausting and annoying but not so much so to where I'm working crazy hours and all of the other areas of my life are suffering because of my toxic job. My career prospects feel blurry in the sense that I know where I want to go but the world around me currently feels too unstable for me to go about pursuing things in a sustainable way. And yes, that is existential crisis inducing but also, I have a sense of direction, I have a stable job, and I'm not under the hot water of being unemployed with no money or prospects. As a result, I'm putting this at a frivolous level of 5 because this is something that is important and it's understandable that I feel this way considering the outside conditions but at the same time, I'm in a priviledged place to actually think about higher values like fulfillment and I'm also not in deep shit right now. Nevertheless, I do find myself having the occasional Luigi moment where I'm thinking how nothing is enough for these parasites and they have it coming. 4. Existential political dread for the immediate future (Pain: 4 Frivolous Level: 3) I'm putting the frivolous level at 3 because there's some scary stuff happening in this country regarding the erosion of democracy, the rise of oligarchy, the crashing of the markets, the destruction of our rights, and the implementation of a surveillance state. The thing that's freaking me out the most I would say is ICE basically doing whatever the fuck they want and how apparently, if you're travelling internationally, your phones can be searched and if they find anything against Trump, you're fucked. The only reason the frivolous level isn't lower is because I'm not directly being impacted right at this time. I'm putting the pain at 4 because I definitely feel it but I feel like I'm coping well at this point. Again, this comes from a place of privilege because I'm not directly being impacted right now. And don't get me wrong, I definitely still care about what's happening to other people and communities and I'm not dissassociating by any means (if anything, I've been on information consumption mode). At the same time, I am grounding myself in what is directly in front of me right at this moment and staying present so I don't overwhelm myself with all of the world's problems. I'm also just telling myself that this is not going to forever but I do need to brace myself for the storm up ahead and that I'm going to be able to get through this because I'm fortunate enough to have the resources to help myself and the people immediately around me. 5. Recovering from surgery (Pain: 2 Frivolous Level: 10) Now that I'm past the 1 month mark, the pain of the procedure is minimal. Most of it has to do with how weird the swelling feels and how I don't like wearing the compression garments. So that's why the pain is at a 2. I would say earlier back when I got the surgery done, the pain was at a 5 where it was manageable physically mentally but it was creating a mental load on me because I had to return to work, I was still sitting with the *what have I done* feeling, and it was hard to do some basic tasks (not because I was physically restricted mobility wise but because I lacked the energy due to still recovering). Frivolous level is a 10 because this is something that was totally optional and something I chose for myself rather than something that is coming from a health concern. I'm not saying that just because it's frivolous that it means that my decision was bad or unnecessary but it is to say that this does fall into the champagne problems *I lost my diamond earring in the sea* vibe.

Surgery Update 3/27- 1 Month After Surgery Surgery reflections 3/23 It’s been 3 weeks and some change since the surgery. I’m approaching 1 month post op. The swelling is getting better and as a result, the binder is kind of comfortable now due to it fitting looser, but also I have transitioned into a pair of Spanx so they would provide more compression due to how tight they are. The Spanx are still pretty uncomfortable, mainly in the way that they roll down since I’m still swollen. And when they roll down, they dig into my skin. I’m also doing much better mobility wise as well as in my mental health at work. I got through most of the week without feeling resentful and I didn’t take time off. I was a bit overwhelmed this week but it wasn’t too bad. Over all, the week of the 17th to the 21st was me feeling 85% myself. I’m kind of looking forward to the week ahead to see myself get back to normal. My body image has been weird. I know there is a big difference from the surgery and they took a lot out but I still feel like about the same size because of the swelling. My body also feels distorted since I’m not used to my new proportions. I’m also feeling impatient with the swelling because I want to see my final results. I’m counting down to the end of May because I was told that at the 3 month mark, most, if not all, the swelling will disappear by then. I’m also counting down to when I can stop using the belly button ointment and the belly button plug. It’s coming up in a few days and I’m excited because putting on the ointment and plug felt weird. I’m also looking forward to the day I can stop wearing the Spanx and compression garments which is on 4/10. While I’m doing much better and I can see progress on a day to day basis, I do feel like this whole thing has taken a toll on me. I know I’m past the hard part with the pain and the drains and it should be smooth sailing from here but I’m feeling impatient. I just want to get to a point where I feel like a normal person again. I hate swelling. I hate not being able to sleep on my stomach. I hate the Spanx. And I hate just feeling off in my own body for an extended period of time. Surgery Reflections 1- Month Post Op 3/27 I was going to write in this journal only for my thoughts at the 1-month mark. But a few days ago I REALLY wanted to write and get my thoughts out. And I’m glad I did because despite 3/23 being a few days ago, I feel like there has been a vibe shift and I’m glad that I’m going to be able to capture that as I write this entry. The Spanx are not super uncomfortable at this point since the swelling went down more and they no longer roll down and dig at my skin. I feel like that was one of the big things that was irritating me a few days ago. I remember when I first put them on dreading how I’ll have to wear this for another 3 ish weeks. Not only am I one week down, but I think now that it’s more comfortable, the next 2 weeks don’t seem nearly as intimidating. I would say that on an annoyance scale from 1-10, 10 being unbearably annoying, the Spanx at like 3/23 was at an 8 and now it’s like at a 4. I would say it’s annoying because it’s hard to take off when I need to go to the bathroom and because it takes away from the feeling of normalcy. I'm also done with the belly button ointment today. I don't have much to add on that other than that I'm glad that's done and over with because the ointment felt weird. I was counting down to this day and I'm glad that this day has finally come. I'm also counting down to stop wearing the compression garments and I already know that this will feel even better than stopping the oinment. The swelling has gone down by a good amount to where I feel like now I’m seeing the results of the surgery. I mentioned before that my body image felt weird because the swelling made me feel like I was the same size as before. That feeling has reduced by a lot. I think also feeling like I’m seeing results has helped in the *what have I done* emotion that I have been experiencing in the last month. I feel like that feeling has reduced by a solid 60% since the time I first felt it back at the 1 week mark. I feel pretty optimistic going forward about what I have done and the final results at the 3-month mark. This has been a very much *trust the process* kind of situation. But I will say, my body image still feels kind of distorted since I’m not used to having the proportions I have now. I can kind of empathize with people when they fall into this addiction to “fixing” things through plastic surgery. Like after you get over the first hump of the recovery process (which can be pretty difficult to where I wouldn’t say that surgery is the “easy way out”) and granted you don’t have any complications, you get this feeling of *you know what, that wasn’t too bad* and that can lead to thinking *what else can I do?* That, combined with how it takes some time for you to get used to your new proportions, I can see how if you didn’t do this surgery with a sound mind how this can be a slippery slope. And that’s without you being a celebrity who ends up spending ungodly amounts of time fixated on what you look like on screen, pressures from the industry (your workplace) saying if you get things done you’ll increase your earning potential and get more opportunities, and being in an environment surrounded by people who normalize such procedures. Let’s just say, I’m pretty happy that I was like 90% comfortable with my size and body with the exception of my stomach before the procedure and that I’m a normal person with a normal-person job where my looks aren’t front and center in terms of the opportunities that I can get myself. My mobility feels pretty good to the point where I can see myself doing some light workouts. However, my energy levels don’t feel as great because of the mental toll this has taken on me causing me to feel more exhausted than normal. I also feel like for the first 2-weeks after the surgery, I did the laundry, a ton of meal prep, and had people helping me with chores there and there, that this kind of got me out of the habit of doing things for myself so now I feel like I’m exerting extra energy when doing something like cooking. I also haven’t washed any dishes since the surgery and I have been using the dishwasher the entire time which isn’t typical for me. I have a lot of things I’m looking forward to. In a few days I’ll have my 1- month post op doctor’s visit. In 2 weeks, I can stop wearing my compression garments. I don’t know when but one of these weeks, I’ll be able to return to sleeping on my stomach. I’m excited to see my full results considering what I’m seeing now. I’m excited to get back into working out with full force later. I’m excited to try on some of my older clothes as well as get some new things as well. I’m excited to see how this change is going to impact other areas of my life since in the past, my stomach did take up a great deal of mental space. But most importantly, I can’t wait to feel like a normal person once the swelling disappears completely.

I appreciate it @RendHeaven. I feel pretty good about this decision since I put a lot of thought to it and I have prepared accordingly. I feel like that has shined through in how easy the recovery has been so far physically, emotionally, and logistically. I would say I'm guarded about plastic surgery but not so much so to where I have demonized in the past and think it's inherently bad. I feel like, even as someone who has under gone such a procedure, that I have a healthy degree of skepticism towards an elective and invasive procedure. I think when it comes to engaging with beauty standards and the industries that profit off of said standards, for most women it's opening a can of worms because of all of the personal and societal baggage it carries. And for a lot of people, things can get out of hand whether it's in the form of a messed up relationship with food, being obsessive about anti-aging, botched surgeries, etc. And that's the overt stuff. It can also affect the general way you move through the world, the types of relationships you entertain, and even putting off various milestones or life experiences because you don't look your best. I feel like this video is pretty good at summing things up if you're looking for another perspective in addition to being a monkey-brained male . At the same time, our looks, whether it's through fashion, makeup, getting your hair done, or even plastic surgery, is a form of self expression. It's weird that some men think that women only put in effort towards their looks for male attention when that's not the case most of the time. It's also a form of self care for some people in order to relax. It's also a hobby or interest for people who take this to an art form. I also think about Leo's life purpose course. One of the exercises involves picking 10 values we resonate with and building our life off of that and having that be the guiding light. One of the items on the conscious values list was beauty which I thought was interesting. While it's not one of the 10 values I have selected for myself, it is something that I have thought of. And I think beauty can be a conscious value in the way that it can force you to slow and and appreciate consciousness itself. It's going out in nature and allowing yourself to be at awe when you climb to the peak of a mountain. It's focussing deeply on a craft that you love. It's admiring and romanticizing little things in your life even it's as mundane as making yourself a meal. And that is just to name a few. I feel like Rajiv Surendra's content really embodies valueing beauty in a conscious form: I 100% agree. I can't say that this decision came from a lot of higher ideals like creativity, authenticity, self expression etc. I did make this decision to deal with a insecurity I have had for years. I don't think that making decisions due to negative emotions or experiences are inherently bad but it is something to proceed with caution. I think a lot of major life decisions don't have a right or wrong in the decision itself but rather a scale of how much conscious thought we have put into it. It's not about the decision or outcome, it's about the processes and reasonings that led us to that conclusion. Now you're just stroking my ego lmao