soos_mite_ah

100% agree

I mean, if polarity is something you guys are concerned about, both gender and gender expression exists on a spectrum. You can identify as a woman for example and be a tomboy / more masculine leaning but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a woman as far as your gender identity goes. Same for feminine men, they aren't less of a man because of the way that they express themselves. And it isn't difficult to apply that to non-binary folk, especially non-binary folk. Just because you don't feel like a woman doesn't mean that you can't express the femininity and masculinity in you nor does it mean that you can't lean one way or another. Most non-binary people aren't expressing themselves as stictly androgynous.

I am retaking the life purpose course and I know that I'm supposed to narrow it down to one zone of mastery/genius. But I feel like in order to master one thing, I would need to master many things. For example, if someone wants to be a master painter, they will need to master different types of paint, different forms and styles, and things like depth perception, proportions, and a variety of techniques. Another example is that if someone wants to be a master at business, they will need to get different expertise on various categories ranging from accounting, finance, marketing, sales, leadership, etc. I'm pretty sure things can get even more complicated if you find a niche where two or more very different things combine. Where would you draw the line between trying to master too many things and "dabbling" vs trying to master various things that contribute to mastering one thing?

I don't think this will change much so long as you're not weird about it and you guys have an otherwise stable/healthy relationship. They're just figuring thing out and so long as they can communicate what's going on with them, maintain healthy boundaries, etc. it should be fine. As someone who is in a pretty good relationship right now, I would say that there are 3 entities in the relationship: you, them, and the relationship y'all are creating together. Sometimes, there is an issue that affects one party, but doesn't affect the other two all that much directly. Definitely be supportive in this instance as coming out can be a very vulnerable thing to do for many people. Later on, if you see that this is affecting you and the relationship negatively, then I would suggest looking into other options. The least you can do right now is use the correct pronouns and open up the conversation to ensure that they feel supported in this situation.

Impulsive Intrusive Thoughts I have this impulsive intrusive thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, contacting my "ex", quitting my job, and then moving across the country to the north east. There isn't anything awfully wrong with my boyfriend, job, or my living situation but it isn't my dream scenario, ya know? This isn't a strong urge or anything but it is a thought that I find myself entertaining. I suppose as I'm reflecting on it, it's more of a desire to not want to settle for a mediocre life and the desire to not fall into the trap of settling into the good instead of fufilling my potential for a good life. I thought I'd explore that more in this post. Starting off with my boyfriend. I don't think that I'm very intellectually compatible with him. I didn't get into this relationship blindly without being aware of this but I'm seeing the trade offs right now. If anything, one of the big reasons why I admired him was because he is smart in a very different way than I am. I'm just realizing that intellectual compatibility is something that is important to me for a potential lifetime relationship. I didn't know this before since I have never been in a relationship before this one and other than this thing, I feel like for a long term relationship, my partner and I are pretty solid. I'm not trying to insinuate that he is some how dumb by saying that he has a different kind of intellegence. If anything, like I said before, his intelligence is something I admire. He is very hands on, technical, and he created a path for himself and is financailly stable. I love his resourcefulness and his consistency despite struggling when he was younger. He has a pretty stable career with an upward trajectory despite not having a college degree and almost dropping out of high school multiple times. I on the other hand would describe myself as more traditionally intelligent in the academic sense and I have a very social science oriented mind. While I can talk to him about my interests and my though processes, I feel that our conversations only go so deep. It doesn't feel that bad since I have a lot of friends who fulfill that intellectual need but I feel like this would be important for me to have for a life partner. It would also be nice if I was with a POC instead of a white man. It's definitely not a necessity like the intellectual compatiblity piece. I think if I were to be with a POC instead of a white man that he would be able to better relate to me and as a result contribute to some discussions in my life pertaining to things related to my life experience as a WOC. This isn't something that I feel detracts from my current relationship. My current partner never said anything stupid, short sided, or ignorant. He is attentive to my perspective and he takes the intiative to educate himself on different things that can affect me or our relationship. However, there is only so much he can contribute to a conversation and relate to me simply because of his lack of life experiences. And that isn't something that's in his control which is why I don't see this as something that detracts from our relationship nor do I see this as something valuable to bring up as he is already doing what he can in his control. And guess who is a man who is a POC and is intellectually compatible with me? The one guy I really liked in high school that took me forever to get over because I never actually dated him (hence the quotations above). I'm not in contact with him any more and haven't been for the last 5 years. I don't have romantic feelings toward this person and I'm pretty sure that he has been dating men since I've last seen him. This kind of feels like the 80-20 rule that I've come across in some dating advice video I saw I along time ago. Basically, the best that anyone can do is fulfill 80% of your desires since people can't be everything for us. But even if you are in a healthy and loving relationship with the 80%, sometimes people have the desire to leave that relationship or to cheat when they find a person that has the 20% they are missing. And because that 20% is something that is missing, it feels bigger than 20% and can often feel like a 100%, like that person who isn't your partner is the complete package. As a result, some people fall into the trap of chasing after that 20% thinking it's a 100% and then when they get with that person and realize that they were only a 20%, they realize that they traded in an 80% for a 20%. The guy I liked in high school feels like that 20% in this instance, however, I'm well aware that he is a 20% instead of a 100%. Even though I know that the guy I liked back then and I are not compatible or healthy for each other, I do still find myself drawn to him due to the fact that he was the last man who I felt like I was intellectually compatible with. This honeslty just manifests as me stalking his instagram page and me dreaming of running away to the north east and reconnecting with him as a friend. As for the part about quitting my job and moving across the country, I feel like I wrote a good amount of that earlier in my journal regarding on how my job is stable and is making me happy for now but isn't fulfilling and as a result sustainable long term. And my previous post is about how my inner teenager had this dream of leaving Texas lol. So I'm not going to be overly repetitive here. Ultimately, I do see myself making changes in my life, just not now even though I have the impulse to do so. I don't think it's wise to leave a perfectly good partner and a perfectly good job before I gain more experience professionally and before I deepen this relationship and let it run it's course since it is still pretty fulfilling for me.

I do think that it would be healthy for me to move out in order to gain independence and responsibility as a self-sustaining adult. Plus my home life isn't the healthiest and I don't have much freedom here lol. I'm currently living in dallas and compared to most major cities, it isn't the worst in terms of cost of living. I'm not working in IT but I am working in tech and it's a relatively low stress job.

Listening to my Inner Teenager So in these last couple weeks or so I've been trying to be more in touch with my inner teenager as a way to figure out what I can do with my life that would make me feel more fulfilled. I wrote a little bit about this before but I didn't really get into it all that much. I wanted to write about this today because yesterday, I opened TikTok and I was innundated with bad news ranging from things regarding a trans genocide, Texas trying to make it so that people who try to get an abortion get the death penalty, and Tennessee trying to make it legal for a clerk to deny a marriage because it is interracial, interreligious, or gay. Obviously I'm not going to let a TikTok cause me to spiral so I decided to verify the news for myself. And then I started doomscrolling. Next thing I know, I felt this urge to take my friends run away, at least to a blue state if not to a different country. Many of my friends are trans and I can't imagine what they maybe going through. I feel unsafe as a cis woman of color. This reminded me of how I felt similarly upon the election of Donald Trump back in 2016/2017. I found myself wanting to run away, to travel, to be more educated, to surround myself with diverse people, so that I can socially, intellectually, physically, and politically distance myself from happening. And while I have a tendency to cringe at myself and my angsty tendencies at times, not all of my grievances between 15-19 were fueled by angst, much less hormones. I think we tend to write teenagers who are dealing with some really real shit as angsty and hormonal in the same way we write women, poc and other marginalized people as hysterical when they express pain. And while some of my perspectives and some of the reasons why I felt somethings so deeply was a result of me not having enough perspective due to me not living long enough to have life experiences that can show how vaired life can be, some of those feelings and grievances were very real. I'm talking issues related to eating disorders, late stage capitalism (though I didn't know what that really was yet), difficult family dynamics, political issues, etc. For now I want to focus my attention on the desire to move. I don't think my problems will all be solved if I move out of Texas or the U.S. I'm still going to face marginalization. Teenage me had a more idealistic view of this and thought that a lot of things will get better if I move and that if I don't I'm going to be absolutely miserable. And then when I realized that I'm going to face shit no matter where I went, I found myself spiralling at that age because I felt like I couldn't escape. I will say that even though I have the same desire to move, it isn't as strongly and emotionally charged as it was before because I have a more realistic view of moving and the stuff it can come with it, from having to build your life from scratch, adjusting to a new place, having the funds etc. as well as an acceptance that I'm going to deal with some form of bs no matter where I go. But now, I feel like my desire to move is more rooted in the legal issues that are happening here (i.e. Roe v. Wade overturning) rather than simply wanting to find my people and a sense of belonging. I remember thinking to myself last night now I feel like I'm too poor to move elsewhere in this country like in a blue state for example. Sure I know my income will adjust to the cost of living, but also, I'm a stingy bitch. While I'm currently content with living in Dallas for the time being to keep up with my friends and figure out adulthood in my own pace, I did feel a sense of disappoinment associated with living my life like this forever. And I think that sums up the way that I feel about a lot of things in my life from my current partner, current job, current living situation, current friendships, etc. It's good for now, but it isn't good forever. And I'm not sure how to define how long "now" is. Is "now" for the next 2 years? 5 years? I think getting to a point of contentment is crucial for me to figure my life out and I'm really greatful for the now, even with all of the downsides. Maybe "now" is until I have a clearer idea as to what I want with my future and I feel the need to make moves to build my life accordingly.

Would you include avoiding spending money on experiences that could grow you like traveling or spending time with friends (occasionally getting dinner with friends or paying during dates) as things that could backfire? I’m not talking partying or drinking etc. when I mean social activities nor am I talking about extravagant vacations.

@supremeyingyang I'm in Dallas, Texas. The college I went to was in an upper class area with really wealthy and priviledged students (I mention this because there is a whole thing about rich white people obessing over female thinness and hold it like its a status symbol). This isn't about health and nutrition. This is about glorifying thinness, not eating, and losing your hunger cues as markers of how controlled, busy or quirky you are. A lot of the food rules and "lifestyles" that people talk about are just repackaged diets and not eating enough can really fuck with you in the long run. And this can effect people in all weights. We just don't talk about the dangers of diet culture nearly as much as say the dangers of obesity. I'd argue that the former is much worse than the later and that the former can in turn fuel the later as well. Generally speaking, when it comes to cuisine globally, they all include some fruits/vegetables for fiber and micronutrients, some carbs, some healthy fats, and some protein. The contents change from place to place depending on availability but the building blocks and format of the meals that make people satiated is pretty consistent generally speaking. There is no need to obsess over macros, "clean foods" etc. If you have a healed relationship with food and don't have any specific body building goal and are just looking to eat healthy, I think an intuitive approach to eating is the best. There are ways to make certain meals or snacks more nutrient dense and filling/satisfying but there isn't any hard and fast rules.

I never had the judgement placed on me outright but I do remember feeling self concious as my hunger cues were coming back. I went to school in a really werid place where thinnness was put on a pedestal and if you didn't at least have abs, you were basically the odd one out. And just in general, I think there is a whole thing about some girls (and guys too) saying "I just realized that I had nothing except *insert a very small snack* all day" as if it's something quirky rather than concerning. And while women do need less calories then men because of their size, by no means should women aim to eat 1200-1400 calories. That's the caloric recommendations for a toddler but a lot of women at one point or another, including myself, thought this was normal and that we should all weigh 110-120 lbs because that is what is normalized.

I've seen a lot of women not react too well to the keto/low carb diet compared to men. Might be a hormonal thing tbh. Unfortunately, because of biases in the medical field, women aren't the ones who are typically tested on and as a result how things affect women can differ from how things affect men and there isn't as much of an explanation available because of a lack of funding that goes to that type of research. The COVID vaccine physically affecting women more than men in terms of symptoms after the dose is the perfect example of this. I'm sure this can also be applied to diet related matters too. I also know that regardless of gender, your body, especially your brain, needs carbs to function. I know that if I'm not eating enough of carbs l I can deal with anything from migranes, low energy, mood swings, and a generally depressed outlook. I like to joke that keto or any other restrictive diet can fry some people's brains physiologically or as far as mental health towards one's attitude towards food and their body goes lol. As far as women receiving more demonization, I don't think it's a controversial opinion that a woman's body and what she chooses to do with it is subject to much more scrutiny than men, apart from reproductive rights. Most diets are often marketed towards women and what our bodies look like can feel like its under a microscope to where a plethora of neurosis can stem from, ranging from demonizing women for eating a normal portion of food to expecting her to always restrict. I know for me personally, as someone who has been healing her relationship with food, sometimes I do feel like I'm eating an obsene amount mainly because a lot of women around me basically run on an iced coffee and an oreo all day. There is also the social pressure to restrict food whether it is because your peers are doing it, you want to look a certain way, or other gendered notions of food like how sometimes people look down on you when you eat more than your male partner for example. When it comes to dieting and exercising for a specific goal for fatloss or muscle gain, I do think that a simple calories in / calories out is too simplistic because it doesn't take into consideration of things like horomones, medications (like birth control), energy levels, menstrual cycle, stunted metabolism due to prolonged dieting etc. into consideration. And when those factors interfere, sometimes women get written off as they aren't trying hard enough or that they are lying to themselves about what they eat.

If she’s doing these in moderation that’s fine. You can enjoy these foods and still have and overall balanced diet. As far as pasta and bread is concerned, that’s honestly great. just pair it with some fruits/ vegetables, healthy fat, and some protein and you have a balanced meal. Carbs are demonized too much these days and they are important for a healthy, well rounded diet, especially if you are a woman.

And even though I don't have the healthiest relationship with my parents, as their child I still love them and respect the stuff they were able to do for me. They are the way they are due to situations outside of their control (i.e. generational trauma from war, genocide, famine, child marriage across generations, lack of money + lack of mental health awareness and resources etc.) and they really did their best. I can empathize with a lot of what they have gone through and I understand why they are the way they are. I can't help but feel that me leaving the family is the last blow in their lives. Imagine going through all of that, having to immigrate to a country that is so different from your own, leaving your friends and family in said country behind to provide a better life for your kid only to fail providing for the kid emotionally because you weren't well equiped as a parent to provide them with a healthy home due to things our of your control and have her to leave you at your old age. That's fucked up. It's a privilege that I can do this self-actualization work in the first place. And maybe I cannot gurantee being present until they die for my own sanity and in the future for my future family, but I feel awful for not compensating them in other ways and the other way I can currently think of is money.

I disagree with this. While there is a lot of bs in my relationship with my parents, financial guilt tripping is not one of them. I will be honest and say it's a me thing. I was talking to my therapist about this and I thought that I'd share some of the insights and reflections I had. I would put this in the OP but I didn't want it to get too long. I am coming from an immigrant family and I think in this instance I'm taking the worst of both sides. The main con of being in an hyper individualistic society (the U.S.) is not being able to ask for help, lean on other people, and have social and monetary support. The main con of being in a hyper collectivistic society (South Asia) is caring way too much about what other people think of you, and doing things out of obligation to your community rather than doing what you actually want. I feel in this particular case, I’m in a double bind because on one hand, I’m expected to pull myself up from my bootstraps and do everything myself, but on the other hand, I’m also obligated to certain people in my life to fulfill certain roles. I feel like I put these expectations on myself because I have this need to be right and moral in both of the cultural contexts I was brought up in. I know that my parents who come from a collectivistic society think it's weird that parents in the US expect their kids to pay rent under their own roof and they think it's inhumane to not at least try to help the kid out with paying for college and higher education. In a lot of Asian families, it can be seen as a failure to not be able to provide for your kids in this way. I also know with my friends in the U.S., mainly those who came from lower incomes and really don't have any other option but to become independent at a young age by working multiple jobs and also pitching in while in high school, I wouldn't be surprised if they looked at me as if I'm priviledged and entitled and as if I'm lazy/ living life on easy mode / not taking responsibility.