soos_mite_ah

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  1. Memories that Haunt Me Ok so there is this memory from when I was 9 that has been haunting me since 2016 or so. It was January 2009. Obama just got elected president. I'm chillin in the 3rd grade and we were doing the unit on slavery, Jim Crowe, and segregation in history class. My teacher rolls out the TV on one of those rolly stand things, sits the entire class down, and had us watch the entire inauguration. Again, I was 9. I knew the bare bones basics of racism and didn't get the whole systemic aspect of it as much. I remember thinking *huh interesting, I'm alive to see the first black president. It really wasn't that long ago since segregation was a thing. That's so crazy for people who were alive back then to be able to see this now.* I also started thinking about other historical events we discussed in school ranging from wars, inventions, little fun facts, things of that nature. After the inauguration, we basically had a discussion as a class. I remember saying this. "I wonder what other historical events I'm going to live through in my life." And I remember exactly the feeling that was going through me. It was this feeling of anticipation and excitement. Part of the issue with history I remember encountering at that age was that all of the grand stories happened before I was born. As a result, I remember feeling this detachment from the reality of those events whether it was super positive like the first airplane being built or super chaotic like the Civil War. That disconnect kind of made history boring and unrelatable. Plus in hindsight, I was a literal child. There was only so much that I could empathize with and there was only so much the adults would tell us because when you're teaching history to kids, you don't want to leave things out but you want to present them in a way that it's age appropriate so you don't end up scarring them since young children can only process so much. At the end of the day, I came back from school and I turned on the TV as usual to watch cartoons. I flipped it to PBS Kids because I wanted to watch Arthur. And there was Obama. I flipped through all of the other channels whether they be kids channels or not and everyone was talking about Obama. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling slightly annoyed. Like, again, I'm just trying to watch Arthur. I also remember thinking *you know I get that this is important, but damn, guess it's REALLY important.* I was at the age where I saw politics as an old person thing and the thing that we would try to get the parents talking about right before we were about to leave our friend's house so that they would get into a discussion and we would have extra time to play. The next day I go to school and I start talking to some of the kids in my class and they also had the same experiences with trying to watch TV and just encountering Obama everywhere they looked. I just remember one kid saying "It's like wherever you look THERE HE IS ~~***OBAMA***~~. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE OBAMA." And then we kind of tried to brain storm what other significant historic events we would go through because we were in this mood of THIS IS SO EXCITING I'M ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING A HISTORIC EVENT IN REAL TIME THAT I'M GOING TO REMEMBER WHEN I GROW UP!!!! HISTORY IS SO COOL!!!! Some of the things we came up with were wars, bombs, protests, zombie apocalypse, flying cars, aliens, or really any invention we saw in the Meet the Robinsons. Oh yeah, we also thought of the world ending in 2012 and the natural disasters that would happen because that was something that was on TV every now and then. We were basically trying to come up with the most dramatic thing we could think of that we would all be affected by. I also remember watching the news every now and then with my parents. Things that would come up over and over included the swine flu, the economy being a mess, old people arguing about health care, and some conflict that was happening in the Middle East. And as a child, I didn't know what was happening for the most part. It all felt like background noise to a certain extent because of my lack of awareness as a kid. But every now and then I would look at this background noise. I still didn't get it but I would think.... whatever is all on the news today is going to be what my kids are going to have to learn in school in the future. Anyway, so fast forward to November 2016. I was 17 years old. Trump got elected. I didn't even check the news that morning because I was running late. I went to sleep the night before thinking *ya know, my girl Hillary got it in the bag. Everything will return back to normal. This will all be a funny memory." I get to the bus and the whole mood was really gloomy. I'm not even trying to make this up but it was actually cloudy and rainy outside as well. There were some people angry, some in shock, some depressed. Basically people were going through the stages of grief. And I remember thinking.... oh no... I'm living through a historical event... oh no.... 2016 was a chaotic year and given Trump was now president, the circus wasn't about to leave town anytime soon. I just knew that a domino effect will happen and I will have to deal with a string of historical events because we have an unhinged mad man in the office. It honestly felt like I entered into a different time line... because honestly WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Seriously. I remember people would joke about how Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar threw off the time line and that resulted in opening this Pandora's box of chaos which turned into 2016. Then my mind immediately went to that memory from the 3rd grade and all I thought was how I wanted to get off that ride. I started getting why adults just wanted a peaceful uneventful life. And 17 year old me really thought that was going to be worst of it. All I can say to her is this: At this point, I'm living through a plague. The ocean was on fire. The billionaire are having a space race. There is a labor shortage. All types of shit is happening. And if I hear the word *unprecedented* one more god damn time I'm going to lose it. The main thing I can think of now is going up to that 9 year old kid and saying "you're going to have to deal with more historical events than you can think of and it will be exciting all right." But I'm not going to say it with enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure the kid can hear the exhaustion in my voice and see it as a warning lol. However, knowing how I was like back then, that kid will ask me if I turned into one of those adults who are tired all the time and if so why I'm like that. To that I would answer that this is what happens when you go through too many historical events at once. And tbh, that kid would probably think that's interesting and would want to continue talking but I would have to tell that kid on how time travel works and how I can't tell her too much. She would understand that. I remember growing up I had this interest with time travel and I would watch Back to the Future over and over again. So basically, I knew how this shit worked as a kid and the whole deal with alternate time lines lol. To my 17 year old self, I would just tell her that things are going to be really weird for a really long time. Like, you can't even imagine how weird it's going to get. And I know she'll start panicking and getting triggered to which I will reassure her with memes and try to make this thing in a funny situation because that's how she coped with things. I would also reassure her by telling her that Trump will be a 1 term president. Then I would bounce the moment she starts asking about how my life is going now.
  2. The Lolita Resurgence OH NO OH NO NOT THIS THING AGAIN I THOUGHT WE WERE PASSED THIS TREND I THOUGHT WE ALREADY LAID THIS SHIT TO REST YEARS AGO I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS OH HELL NO NOPE WHY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ok, internal screaming aside, I did actually like the analysis on this video anyway.... I'm going to tackle the whole lolita thing later Found something else that I want to discuss first.
  3. Ok I found the thread I was looking for. I especially appreciate flowboy's, Etherial Cat's and aurum's comments/input.
  4. Just a Tiny Rant I don't know why but the phrases "stimulate her emotions" or "spike her emotions" feels really weird and off to me. I see it be thrown around in the dating section. LIKE SIR do you just mean connect with her as a person, have a baseline of chemistry, and have a personality? That feels like the bare minimum. And if the chemistry or connection isn't there or yall's personality doesn't mesh for what ever reason, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just incompatibility tbh. No one is doing anything wrong (unless it's the case where someone feels emotionally uncomfortable to where they feel unsafe in a way, that's different). Happens on the platonic, romantic, and sexual level all the time. Nothing personal. Also, if I remember correctly, someone did talk about how looking at relationships solely through the lens of survival rather than love, intimacy, and connection can be detrimental and can cause misanthropic / misogynistic tendencies on this forum. That really resonated with me. I get that technically everything is survival and that isn't a bad thing but sometimes I feel that when people use the term survival, they use it as a short hand to lump everything together as "petty human shit." And because everything is lumped together, there isn't much nuance and there is a tendency for false equivalency where people lump together emotional intimacy and wanting big titties into the same blob of category that is survival. There is this trivialization that is in play. The way it's used is that it down plays the very human need for emotional connection and sees it as this "feminine thing" while justifying objectivation by not going into how harmful it is at the same time. I don't know if I'm articulating this well. Idk, I have a hard time believing that it's a masculine/man thing to not care about emotional connection and intimacy and that men and women are at odds at this. That attitude also reeks of the "boys will be boys", "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", "men and women are fundamentally different" vibes. I get that emotional connection is seen as feminine because of the way vulnerability is stigmatized for men, but it just feels wrong to gender a human need. (I know that masculinity and femininity are gender neutral but they do have heavy connotations with each gender).
  5. My mouth feels bored. I want to wrap my lips around something and/or have my tongue played with. I have a variety of things in mind.
  6. I felt like taking this post that I made in one of my other journals and include it here. I just started thinking of this specific post after making the post on being conventionally attractive as well as what I personally find attractive.
  7. @Alfonsoo I mean my recommendations are skewed towards my own tastes but personally I like anime, watching commentary youtube videos, astrology and tarot readings, listening to music, and looking at a shit ton of memes. Tbh, I'm not much of a fiction person. I'm just listing out things that I find entertaining and that I find value even though there isn't a direct link between it and self development. Honestly, I don't think it would be helpful for me to give specific recommendations. I think it's better to allow yourself to go towards what you feel drawn towards and let yourself explore from there. I liked the perspective on these videos a lot.
  8. That number sounds incredibly high. I think it's skewed because even though women are affectionate with one another whether that is emotionally connecting to one another, feeling comfortable with physical touch like hugging and cuddling, or hyping each other up by complimenting each other, it doesn't mean they are sexually attracted to each other. A lot of the things that close female friends do with one another are seen as very normal but if the gender was flipped and they were men doing the same thing, it would be seen as gay.
  9. You could use those forms of media to expand your critical thinking skills on how characters relate to one another and how they relate to broader themes in the story. You could use it to expand your empathy and imagination which fiction is really good for. You could use it to explore your own emotions as well. Those are the first things that pop up in my mind. Overall, just let yourself be and enjoy things. You don't have to be hype fixated on growth and actualization to derive valuable experiences.
  10. I mean... I'm not sure if this helps since I can't speak on women as a collective but I can explain my pov on things as a woman if that makes sense. I do delve into similar topics and my perspective on attraction physically and emotionally in my journal. Here's the link to said journal. Feel free to ask me any questions that come up. Again, while I can't speak for all women, I am speaking from my personal experience as a woman.
  11. Physical Things I Find Attractive Just really feel like journaling about this tbh. I'm also going to be organizing this in terms of sexual attraction, sensual attraction, and aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic Attraction: Big Noses I feel like big noses really adds character to people's faces. Often times it adds an element of uniqueness which I really admire. It's like a mountain on a person's face. I get that sounds like an insult because of Eurocentric beauty standards but if you think about it, most people don't find mountains ugly. They are often seen as majestic and personally that's how I feel about larger noses. I especially like larger noses with the little bump on them. I think that's really cute and endearing but also people with large noses with a bump, I really like their side profiles. Those types of noses in my opinion gives a really regal look. It reminds me of paintings of royalty from ancient times. This is very much an aesthetic thing imo. Tbh, it makes me kind of sad how most people with the bump on their nose feel the need for a nose job. I was thinking of incorporating pictures on this post (decided against it because I need to save space on how many things I post) and when I searched up big noses with bumps on google images, I saw a bunch of plastic surgery before and after pictures. Again, that made me a little sad. Curly/ Wavy Hair I just think in general for both genders that textured hair is so beautiful and majestic especially when it's well cared for. On top of that, I feel like most people with curly and wavy hair, there's just so many different types of curly hair to where no one person's hair is the same. There is just so much beauty in that diversity and it also adds character to a person's features. But guys who have curly and wavy hair who let me run their fingers through their hair just hit different tbh. With some guys who have curly and wavy hair, my mind immediately goes to us cuddling with is face in towards the top half of my chest right under my chin and me playing with his hair, running my fingers through it, and giving him little forehead kisses. This is both a sensual and aesthetic thing. Naturally Gray Hair on Young People This is again an aesthetic thing. I feel like people of both genders look good with gray hair. I'm specifically talking about young people who go completely gray in their 20s or so. I feel like a lot of people who have naturally gray hair have this confidence about them and when they're young there is an interesting contrast between their hair and the rest of their face. It also comes down to the whole uniqueness factor. I also feel like gray hair tends to have this silvery sparkle/ sheen to them when it looks really healthy. I think I might have gotten the going gray early genes (I have a handful of family members who have this gene) because I started finding my first gray hairs when I was 16 or so. It might be because of stress but honestly, I never felt insecure about it. I found those few strands to be really pretty tbh. My fingers are crossed hoping this isn't a stress thing and that I go gray early lol. Facial Hair I think this is more of an aesthetic thing tbh. A beard is like contour for men. Does wonders for your bone structure. And if you're not the best looking in the looks department, have no fear because a beard will cover like half of your face. I think everyone looks good when they are mainly eyes and cheek bones lmao. That's kind of why I like wearing my mask lol. Good Eyebrows This is going to be me being petty but I feel that for both genders, eyebrows can be the make or break because of how they frame your face. I think I especially notice it because of how often I have to do my eyebrows and how often people ask me to their eyebrows. I look back at old pictures of myself from middle school and I see a cute kid but the eyebrows just messed the whole thing up. I feel like especially for brown women, doing your eyebrows is like more than half of the glow up tbh. And as for men... god I wish more guys would be secure in their masculinity if anything for the sake of doing their eyebrows. They can make all of the difference. You could have amazing facial features and not have them brought out to the light just because your eyebrows are fucked up. I swear, sorting out your eyebrows can make people go from a 3 to a 7 real quick. It's definitely an aesthetic thing. Skinny Guys or Guys that are Slightly Toned This is 100% an aesthetic thing. I have yet to see a skinny guy who doesn't look good in clothes. I swear, regardless of height, they always look on point. Especially when they have a good fashion sense. God they looks so good. Plus, most skinny guys I feel like also tend to have good bone structures and nice facial features so there is that too. Eyeliner/ Makeup on guys I think this is both an aesthetic and kind of a psychological thing. First of all, it tells me that you don't have a fragile masculinity. Second, a lot of guys actually look good in a little bit of makeup imo. Third, I think part of this is also my emo phase from my childhood talking. Sexual Attraction: Body Hair I find guys who have a lot of hair really attractive for some reason. I swear this isn't something that is weird or super uncommon but for some reason every time I bring that up with my friends, they think it's really strange for some reason. When I'm talking about body hair, I'm not talking about thin, fine, or blondish body hair. I'm talking about thick, dark, course hair. I guess part of it is that it makes me feel more comfortable with also being kind of hairy lmaooo. Especially when it comes to chest hair. I think it's sexy when a little bit is peeking out. Idk, I think it's the equivalent of seeing cleavage for a woman, don't know how else to explain it. It just makes me want to caress a guy. Definitely a sexual attraction thing. Necklaces This definitely falls under sexual attraction for me. It doesn't have to be a lot of necklaces (I feel like it can be over done), but I think just a couple is enough for me. I like it because I feel like it draws attention towards a man's chest. Veins I don't know why I like it. Apparently this is kind of common. But I do in fact identify as a cardiovascular whore. It feels like both aesthetic and sexual attraction. I remember when I identified as asexual I thought this was weird and light heartedly made fun of straight women who was into this only to realize later on years later that I'm also into this lmaooo. Adams Apples I think this is because my own neck and shoulders are really sensitive and because this is a sign of masculinity. I feel like this is a little weird but it is what it is lol. Sensual Attraction: Smelling Nice If you haven't gotten it by my rant in the post where I talked about smoking, I am sensitive to smells. While that can manifest in a negative way by being immediately repulsed by smokers, it can also manifest in a really positive way in the form of being attracted to people who smell really nice. Whenever a guy is wearing cologne, all I can thinking of is wanting to hug him, cuddle him, and get close to him. I feel that this falls under sensual attraction. Honestly, it doesn't feel like a sexual attraction thing. Like I don't feel like one of those women who are often seen in men's cologne commercials lmao. It more along the lines of this. To me hugging a guy who smells nice is like holding a fuzzy warm blanket when it comes out of the dryer. Chubbier Guys/ Dad Bods Guys who are a little chubbier and has a dad bod honestly give the best hugs and are so nice to cuddle with. It's like curling up into a life size teddy bear. I feel so comforted in those situations. They're just so squishy and I really like that as someone who is into physical touch. This is definitely a sensual attraction thing mainly because I feel like I focus on the cuteness and the huggable factor than anything else. Shorter Guys I don't know which category this falls under whether it would be sexual, sensual, or aesthetic attraction. But for some reason, I always find myself drawn to guys who are around 5'6" to 5'9" or so. Maybe it's because I'm short myself and being around a shorter guy feels more natural because it isn't like they are totally towering over me. I really don't know tbh. But one thing I know for sure is that when a shorter guy has his arms around me while standing or walking, it's much more comfortable than a tall guy doing the same thing. With a short guy, it feels more natural. With a tall guy, I feel like I'm being shoved inside of a pokeball. All I can think of is how Ash's pikachu never wanted to be inside of that damn thing and how I can relate to that feeling. But when we're sitting down on a couch and he has is arm around me, that's when it really doesn't matter. I guess because of this it leans kind of towards the sensual attraction side. A Nice Voice This hits all of the types of attraction for me whether it is sexual, sensual, or aesthetic. But I really like guys who have a nice voice. What consists of a nice voice is really flexible. I can do a whole separate post on this one.
  12. I agree. I think it's really important to have a good foundation of healthy habits to keep you stable, work on your consciousness/ open-mindedness, and a basic framework and understanding of nonduality in order to have a good insightful trip. I have a friend who took a psychedelic while she was depressed and she saw demons and shit. That same friend also didn't have any understanding of nonduality and another time she tripped, she was convinced that she was homies with Shiva and had a whole existential crisis about Hinduism (especially since she never practiced the religion and she doesn't know much about it yet she had a ton of visions on the trip). I just remember that she came to me with all type of questions regarding religion. She tells me that she likes to trip on occasion because she likes seeing the pretty colors.
  13. I don't think it's necessary to get rid of all negative emotions. I see them as the five senses. They are all important in telling you what's going on and even if you feel something unpleasant, sometimes it's very valid, reasonable, and a natural response to what's happening. Of course, doing things to minimize the amount of times you feel those negative emotions is necessary whether it is coming up with better coping skills or making changes to your environment. But having them totally go away doesn't seem like the best idea imo. Like going back to the 5 senses analogy, imagine if you were in a safe and comfortable environment and suddenly out of nowhere you feel something sharp poking you and it hurts. You probably won't want the hurt to go away and it would make sense if it does hurt. You would probably find a way to bandage that up and find a way to heal and be vigilant of things poking you like that again but you aren't going to try to ensure you never feel hurt again when the occasion comes up if that makes sense. That physical sensation is a sign of what's going on. Same with "chimpy emotions." Sure you want to cope with them, but you don't necessarily want to get rid of them completely. Also I think this is a good time to differentiate between states and stages. I've been thinking about this as well. A depressed stage yellow person for example is still at a higher level of awareness compared to a happy stage blue person if we are looking at stages. But the stage blue person is in a higher state of consciousness compared to the stage green person if we look at emotional states. States are more flexible and open to change in that they come and go with our emotions. Stages tend to be a little bit more rigid and take more work to deconstruct and move forward. Even if you are at a high stage, you still have a full range of emotions you can tap into. However, even though you're still going to go through "chimpy" emotions, you might have better coping skills and be less likely to get triggered given that you have greater awareness. I guess another way to differentiate states and stages is that states are the fact that you are triggered and stages is what exactly is triggering you. That's how I see it anyway.
  14. A little update since my last mental break down. It's been a little more than 3 weeks since that argument. I think I'm finally feeling ok. Me dealing with this came in stages. The first week I felt incredibly disoriented, The second week had me feeling lonely and terrified in the beginning and then later on it had me feeling dead inside. i felt dead inside for a little bit of this weak but over all I've been feeling neutral. I think at this rate I should be fine by next week and somewhat be back to being myself.
  15. Conventionally Attractive Something that has remind the same whether I identified as asexual or straight ish is that I don't get the appeal with "conventionally attractive" people. Don't get me wrong, I can see why they are considered beautiful, but from an attraction standpoint, a lot of times, I can't relate. I also feel like the appeal of conventionally attractive people wanes with age. First of all is the obvious and that is looks isn't the only thing you're looking for when it comes to attraction. Second, I think as you get older and you get exposed to more people, you figure out what you personally find attractive and that may or may not always align with what is considered conventionally attractive. I think when you are younger, I'm talking about middle school and part of high school, because you might not have a specific idea on what you find attractive, a lot of people tend to just go with what society tells them to find attractive as a starting point of sorts. I remember growing up there were girls losing their god damn minds over Robert Pattinson and Ryan Gosling and I felt that a lot of the guys that were hyped fell under a certain caricature of what was considered attractive. The best way I could describe it is the Love Island effect (even though that show didn't air until I was in college). Love Island in my opinion picks out the most conventionally attractive people for each of their seasons. The thing is supposed to appeal to a mass audience so as a result they typically go for the people that are considered attractive to society as a whole. But it's just not doing it for me. All of the guys more or less look the same and it just feels really boring. They're all tall, have more or less the same body structure/ muscle mass, and sometimes even have similar facial features. I think the whole Love Island effect is kind of like that quote of how you can either be everyone's cup of tea or one person's shot of whiskey. I'm tired of seeing the same Ken doll. Mix it up a little bit. Give me a dad bod. Give me a tall skinny guy. Give me a short guy. Give me a more feminine looking guy. Honestly, we need to unpack a lot of male beauty standards. I tend to feel that women aren't as bad when it comes to enforcing these standards because there is hype around all of the types that I listed out whereas with men, they tend to be more cut throat (this is a post for a different day). But nevertheless, this is something that needs to be talked about more. While society still affects what we all find attractive, I feel that in a lot of cases, the Love Island effect wears off. Idk, I feel like growing up everyone was attracted to basically the same Ken doll and as I get older, people get more specific with their types. Like I know with my friend group, we all have very different types. It's to the point where every time one of us finds someone attractive, the other people in the group just doesn't get it. And because of that, I think looks don't matter when it comes to attraction. Looks do matter in terms of attraction on an individual level but in a broader scope of things, looks don't matter at all because odds are that there is someone who will find you to be their type no matter what. And because of that, the vibe and confidence you put out becomes much more important. This is going to sound corny but I remember thinking I was ugly for a large chunk of time. Then sometime between high school and college, I was working on my general mental health and started weeding through a lot of my body image issues. And I found myself thinking along the lines of "most people might not think of me as attractive, but that's ok because I find myself attractive." I know that I'm probably a 6 on a good day in most people's eyes, but you know what, I'm still a 8-10 (depending on my confidence in myself that day) in my own eyes. I started showed up with that attitude. Next thing I know, people actually start noticing that. And I didn't even have to change anything physically that I was insecure about. The people I noticed who get the most fixated and obsessed with conventional beauty are usually people who tend to be really insecure about their own looks or they have an immature and rigid views on attraction. These people can't wrap their heads around the relativity of attraction and don't get that some people might be considered beautiful by some but at the same time be considered ugly by other people. To these people, it's like in order to be considered attractive, you need to check off a series of boxes. I feel like the male gaze is like that as a whole. It's also people who identify as incels or any type of red pill that falls into this category. And I always find it funny when they see a short skinny feminine looking guy get more girls than them because of the vibe that short skinny guy puts out and how all of the red pill people lose the minds because they can't comprehend how that is so. A lot of it just comes down to projection tbh. They think they're ugly because they don't think they fall under this narrow view of attractiveness and they judge everyone else on a similarly harsh scale.