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  1. @The0Self Did you feel any benefit from doing the heavy metal detox?
  2. Sat 27/02/2021 23:31 It is simply a fact that you can't experience another person's POV...That applies to humans as well as all animals, organisms and potential AI in the future. Does that make selfishness the default, by definition? Is selfishness relative? What is the meaning of helping or aiding another then? I find it baffling. What am I to make of relationship, "social", friends, loved ones, community, selflessness, sacrifice? ___ I look at my father for example. He sacrificed himself, and continually sacrifices himself, in a large sense. He landed in an unfamiliar new country with no money or assets of any kind, with an emotionally abusive and manipulative wife from an arranged marriage. Day in and day out he put up with a paranoid, jealous, money obsessed wife, whilst trying to juggle duties to work and family. Whilst looking after his kids, he also still supported his relatives living in his home country. He would visit Pakistan on occasion, and payed/organised the construction of a house so that his parents would be fine in the long term. And who knows how much money he's sent to help his siblings. But for 30 years he put up with a crazy, narrow minded woman. He probably should have divorced, he says it himself, but with his culture and having young kids he forced himself to stay in it. And he's a workaholic, and was basically doing the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs at once. He ended up getting into real estate and properties, buying and renovating multiple properties to rent and later sell. He is into properties for two reasons, 1) He finds it fun and noticed a way to earn money this way 2) He wants to leave something behind for his multiple kids, including me. He's a very selfless and caring person, even though he's very strongly traditional masculine, solid stage blue with islamic values, and I've felt myself trapped by those beliefs and culture he passes on. But, he is relatively flexible and a good listener who is empathic. He is a psychiatrist after all. We just come from two different worlds in culture and personality. He's 45 years older than me, raised in a different culture completely. And so it is I can forgive him for various things in the past, and communication barriers. --- Okay so why did I write this all out? Well, it's just that I find what he does and what motivates him so alien and strange to me. Whilst I am ofc grateful and love him, I can't help but be baffled, bewildered and nihilistic. What was he working hard for, and why? What is the human game everyone is playing? Why so much grinding, hard work, concern for money, unnecessarily large amount of sacrifice to support so many people? Where is in the individual in any of this? He has a strong faith in Allah and Islam (he is tolerant to other religions). He is concerned about the afterlife. In Islam there is the belief that the "Day of Judgement" will come. God will resurrect the dead, and everyone will talk to God, as God interrogates you or congratulates you for every bad or good deed you did. So my father says "I don't want God to ask me why I didn't do this" (on the day of judgement), and he's deadpan serious in believing this. And ofc I find it slightly concerning that someone literally believes this all. I could give throw away "explanations" which don't remove the source of my bewilderment ."Oh, his MBTI type is some sort of xSxJ type, they have a different motivation structure. He's just not an intuitive. He's an old man who was raised in Pakistan.". But these words don't do anything for me. _____ What was the meaning of anything he did? What's the meaning of anything I do? I just don't get it. I'm just also wondering what on earth it means to care about someone, what sacrifice and selflessness means. I feel too much pressure, too much irritation, too little space to be and to be myself. Fuck people, I live for myself and myself alone. I will brood on all this energy I feel, go meditate on it, focus on it, with every fibre of my being. "The humiliation of captivity is the beginning of the counterattack" Listening to this puts my mind at ease, just very relaxing and focusing. It's one of the songs/impressions I replay in my mind deliberately if I'm trying to hypnotise myself with a certain image
  3. @Arian You can argue and discuss truth. But, whether the talks brings you or the other person closer to truth is variable. You can get different things from a talk. Sometimes you can plant a seed that someone else has the option to water, get ideas for something to try, get practical advice and solutions. There are fun ways of dialogue I think, the way greek philosophers had, or dialogues where you try to reveal and make the shadow conscious. None of these things will be like meditation though ( haven't tried psychedelics), or even like intense self inquiry and contemplation. Because contemplation and self inquiry only works and makes the most progress when done individually
  4. @Tim R I'm a bit impatient and adhd brained. On some videos I might speed up the video for a short while when Leo is explaining and repeating something in an accessible way to all normies listening, and then later on I slow it down when I want to reflect as I'm listening. The benefit of not speeding up the video though is that you get to reflect and make actual connections in your mind in real time as the video is playing.
  5. Friday 26/02/2021 23:06 I experienced an anxiety today which led to me freezing up. And I become more aware and conscious of-* ---------------- OMFG AND ANOTHER THING I NOTICED TODAY IS THAT MY MIND KEEPS VISITING THE GARAGE. MY MIND KEEPS VISITING THE GARAGE WITH SO MANY THOUGHTS I HAD, IT GOTS ME GENUINELY HYSTERICAL THAT I NEVER NOTICED EARLIER WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. SO MANY FUCKING TIMES MY MIND VISITS THE GARAGE, HOW DID I NEVER NOTICED. SO MANY FUCKING TIMES. . HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DID MY MIND VISIT THAT PLACE AND I NEVER FUCKING CONSCIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGED. I MUST HAVE SUBSCONSCIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGED IT OVER A MILLION TIMES, JUST BEING ON THE BRINK OF CONSCIOUS AWARENESS. AAAAAAAHIUGH9JHBVNHJIUHJBVIUHJBVIUHJBIUJB HIUO0HOBKJ HIOUIBKJOUBK JHKUOHBKJIU80H. It gets me extremely agitated, but its a free flowing so it's fine. I'm just overcome by so much fucking joy and bewilderment that I never fucking noticed this earlier. I feel bouncy like a restless dog, going on his first walk after years of confinement Lmao this man is literally my spirit animal rn, without punching random people in the face though. Hilarious meme though PunchingBag.mp4 To give context to anyone confused with what I've written above. As I've written before, my mind often imagines itself to be in physical locations I've visited in real life ( with the exception on 1 location being a video game map). This is a part of my automatic thinking, in the background of my normal thinking, my brain is dreaming myself to be in a particular location and I dont even notice it. Particular places and particular themes make me revisit the same location. I imprint certain impressions, feelings, thoughts, energies, to a particular location, and then my mind visits that same place later, over and over. The imprinting is often random. The negative flip side of it is this. Repetitive thoughts, and visiting the same location and being trapped in there drives me crazy somehow. Obsession with certain subtle impressions and feeling. I have visited locations in my mind 100's of times over, and never even noticed where I am or that I'm doing so!!!!!! This is how unconsciousness and being lost in imagination works. And now I'm fucking over the moon that finally consciously acknowledged that my mind keeps revisiting the garage in my family house, which got demolished 5-6 years ago. I don't know why that place, but it does. And even as I type this, it just hits me hard as I realise just how many times my mind visited this place....my god. Why this place? I don't think there's a particular reason. I remember someone finding white rats in that garage. The other first things that comes to my mind immediately is a nightmare I had many many years ago, in which I was outside my house and saw the garage door briefly. Jesus Christ I just feel so free, I can 't explain it. If you were me , had your mind covered in sticky webs, trapped in prisons of sludge...the joy of being able to move on from the old and find the new. Yes, only in the new do I find liberation ---------------- *-conscious of how my anxiety/fear leads to me freezing up. So many times before that I've frozen up when I'm in stress. That freezing up is a blockage, and it is also my DPDR issues. DPDR is the conceptual dramatisation, self imposed fog of pretending that you don't know what's happening before. DPDR arises from the mind choosing denial and doublethink in the face of fear and anxiety. That's literally what it is, there is no DPDR, even though I still have it. It was always a choice, only imagined and thought of to exist through the mind learning doublethink. Denial=doublethink. When in denial, you deceive yourself. "Self deception" as Leo calls it. I was all frozen up earlier, reluctant to do something. I kept freezing every time I approached the task, but I managed to get myself to do it anyway. The solution to fear and paralysis is courage. _____________________ Something I realised when in the shower. Happiness and misery is more or less a choice. Maybe I'm not quite big enough to pick happiness yet, but I can be big enough to not pick misery. I was taking a shower, telling myself "Die in a hole" over and over and over again. A full circle irony soon hit me, as I realised those were the words I said to someone in spite over 2 years ago to someone who cyberbullied me. And I almost forgot that I did that, not a fun memory. But then, whilst I was in my rut, a certain song randomly came to mind and the lyrics in it. And it clicked for me. That my indulgence in this energy was a choice You can choose to think life is meaningless, you can choose to mope. But you could also choose to not do that. Also, this song is meaningful to me because it's the opening song to an awesome anime. And it fits perfectly with all of that.
  6. Alright, I'll take that in mind seriously then. But I'm still unsure or agnostic about it being harmful, since there aren't many answers about it online. @Thought Art Good questions man, similarish boat here.
  7. I'm so autistic/strange that I don't even know if I'd want a girlfriend, all I care about is sexual urges in that regard. But then again who doesn't want intimacy and etc, although relationships come with commitment. Will have to play it by ear once I semi-force myself to get into pickup and socialising lol. I'm not completely terrible at socialising tbf, its just so exhausting sometimes, although I am unexpectedly extraverted at times. But that's an unnatural/draining state. Idk. Anyway, that's enough rambling.
  8. @bejapuskas I'll take that in @intotheblack Thank you. What you said is definitely largely true.... To go on a tangent here. I think it's a strange one because part of my natural (whether I'm healthy or unhealthy) personality is to want some solitude, but then obviously feelings of loneliness can arise from that, obviously more dysfunctional feelings when in an unhealthy state -- I'm definitely taking this seriously, about moving out and getting independence. My current main struggle has been finding a life purpose. When I was younger, I was dead set that my life purpose was to go into academia as a mathematician or theoretical physicist. But eventually I grew to despise that. Now I'm in my 3rd year of university and im forcing myself to finish my degree, and doing that work takes up my time or concern. I'm currently apathetically enrolled onto an extra 4th year masters. And I've been tempted to go along with it because it delays me having to enter the real world, and I get student uni life, although this is all probably shit reasons. So all I'm focused on rn is things like improving my health and lifestyle, although dealing with the uncertainty and anxiety of having no goal or strong passion is the struggle. Whilst juggling the university work I dislike. Right, for sure.
  9. Thank you for the responses all, it means a lot @Peter Miklis You're right, lack of specificity in my post. In doing the shadow work I will/do look at those things. Generalisations are a very common tactic to avoid acknowledging the truth @Nahm This is a most wise advice. “That which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.”, I've noticed a strategy of mine is to avoid certain topics whilst deceiving myself its no big deal. I may notice the strategy, but then forget that awareness or insight. Indeed 🤔
  10. Like @Spence94 's teacher astutely said, your family dynamics are a window into your root conditioning. But that doesn't mean it can't be harmful and that you shouldn't do what you need to do. What I've personally found to be true, in my limited/incomplete progress, is that being able to detach from family patterns is an important part of growth. Work out the nuances and practicalities of that, but that is the raw of truth of it to not forget. Here you will find patterns at the core of your identity which you may surrender and evolve from. -- Here's one possible benefit about interacting with family, toxic or not. Whilst the family may be toxic in some ways, that unbreakable bond (however idealistically or darwinistically you frame it) means that you can simulate conflicts and new things without the threat of consequences that you get with a stranger. Basically, you get to simulate, practice and train to gain experience and insights you apply to the outside world. Right now I'm basically forced to live it home, with coronavirus shutting down univerisity and all. I get pissed at my mum plenty, but the simulated conflicts where she "jokingly" hits me has helped me learn some things
  11. @Preety_India A question to you, or to anyone reading this. Is there any point to me drinking distilled water occasionally, if I'm drinking tap water half of the time?
  12. @How to be wise I've recently gotten into this health and detox thing after reading all the posts in this forum's archive. My current thoughts are that it's very difficult to completely avoid all these plastics or even completely all these metals, and so it I now look for things which actively detox the body. Doesn't mean it can't be avoided. But avoiding tap water all together seems difficult and time consuming. Doesn't mean you can't make the effort to avoid it though or install a whatever filter. I'll keep playing around with this water distiller I have, it's just fun really. A good book arrived in the mail today, "The Mercury Detoxification Manual" by Andrew Cutler. Its the book everyone here seems to consult on general heavy metal detox. Is it expensive and a semi waste of money? Perhaps, only time will tell after I apply the advice. But I don't buy many other things.
  13. A random reflection on politics. I don't have any particularly strong thoughts about politics, and I find discussing it in of in itself boring. And I don't have strong thoughts because I more or less kinda see two sides "That guy might be racist but he makes some good points" Pretty much a lefty in all matters pragmatically. I will never fully attach myself to or side with the left. I may pragmatically support them, but never will I demean myself to one form of collective ignorance over another. The left is unable to be totally honest and truthful, just as society is unable to. Therefore I make the intention to disengage from politics and the such. A waste of energy and a distraction, and it's a losing game when held in a certain way.
  14. @mmKay Nothing feels more nourishing and comfortable than an avocado to me rn @The0Self I've been looking through old health threads on this forum and found a very useful thread about DMSA you posted in, thanks
  15. @Abdelghafar I also fell into the MBTI rabbit hole like you. I discovered it a few years ago and found it to be very enlightening and explanatory for why everyone around me felt alien. There were many months where I'd think and talk about it a lot. However for some time I knew the model was stupid to be taken very autistically, criticising other people who did that, yet I kept doing it myself. Before every MBTI convo I had, I would say "well this is all rather stupid but I'll say this anyway". Eventually I got bored of saying anything about it, and prefacing anything. I left all MBTI circles I was in back in August 2020. It was like a cancer being removed from the mind since I don't think about it much. In the back of my mind there are emotional impressions linked with memory/concepts of MBTI. In a sense, I am quite impressionable. If something leaves an impression on me, that sticks to my memory. Once I get a certain taste, my brain automatically pattern seeks for that taste, and I impose my memory over what's actual. And that applies to MBTI, where the different types and the different cognitive functions are like archetypes or broad categories. When one starts to see MBTI patterns everywhere, that's a pretty interesting phenomena. I think looking at that obsession phenomena more consciously is an opportunity for learning which perhaps I haven't fully done. But in a sense I realised recently I shouldn't hate my mind for doing that pattern seeking or being obsessed with certain images, feelings and states, and just appreciate it for what it is. And if anything it allows me to get into a hypnotic zone. -- If you're still in the rabbit hole, my advice is to just unplug. I felt great from unplugging. Don't talk about MBTI, don't go into stupid explanations about it. When the mind becomes obsessed with certain things in a negative way, its like being submerged in a pool of wet mud. And I seriously hate that feeling of being bogged down, stuck in a web, trapped in a prison of the stale.