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  1. Monday 10/05/2021 +1 09:42 Love and Kindness alone isn't the answer, but it sure as hell is powerful. It's how you remain centred and to heal? Maybe I'm wrong about "it" not being the answer. Whatever the case, it's at least a great place to operate from. Very fed up of straining, "forcing and not going with the flow". But I refuse to give up my quest for understanding just cause I may start to discover the heart. Not gonna give up on "deconstruction", just because níggers like Sadhguru or David Hawkins recommend you transcend yourself by making yourself a stage blue bitch. I get it already. Your Fe vagina is huge and warm, and you've found your purpose in being subservient and cleaning old people's poop. That's one way to distract yourself until you die. [We get it already. Your Ti dick is huge and sturdy, and you've found your purpose in being a contrarian faǵ who dispels people's illusions] "Truth" or "no truth". Love is great. Despite how tempting that way of being a submissive nun and caretaker looks, it's not for you. There's a reason you stopped being so nice. And you still haven't figured out yourself yet because of that. And that's something interesting. AND SLOWLY...... YOU COME TO REALISE
  2. @Nightwise Good post. Religion is entwined so much in the matrixes of culture, society, upbringing and culture. So in some sense you need a discerning eye to see beyond the outer layer, for we struggle to express ourselves, and can only rely on the language and tongue native to us. Despite that however, I prefer to keep it simple a lot of the time for cutting through shit. It depends on the purpose of the conversation as well. -- In reference to those different people you were talking about, I know a woman who's a strange mix of blue and green. They really are a Muslim who believes everything in the Quran is true literally, but their nature is very green and very empathetic/multi-perspectival values in how they act and view things. Very liberal and tolerant. That's such a strange contradiction to me, insane and illogical. Too much cognitive dissonance. I have concern because I can see two opposing forces, and it already causes internal conflict. Cognitive dissonance such as these would send me into an existential crises or would turn everything upside down, but some people manage to ignore it and don't think in the same way. Many normies have such a large capacity for cognitive dissonance, because they don't wish to actually question or reflect on what truth is. My tolerance for cognitive dissonance is so small that at heart, I am a zealous extremist of sorts.
  3. Thursday 06/05/2021 +1 10:03 I wasted too much time chattering. I should have only replied to the messages of my friend talking to me about Christianity. I have always had the urge for curse words and colourful language, but I restrain myself out of fear. "They're asking me to commit to a giant lie. When the naked emperor looks into my eyes and asks me to tell him how good his suit looks, I can only say n1gger". There is no reason or justification needed. People who are deeply afraid of language and taboos are acting out programs, they are regurgitating someone else's ideas.* I call everything and everyone n1gger. As I do with retard and fagg0t. *I am full of programs as well, regurgitating and mimicking someone else's ideas and principles. The foolishness of other people and the outside world is unlimited. If you believe in it, you'll forever be the slave of something -- Fear over being authentic or honest. Habit of not expressing or verbalising feelings and thoughts as they happen. Remember to go the full way though. Honesty means honesty all the way. I wonder if there's such thing as "authentic dishonesty" or "authentic liar". Those are funny conundrums to contemplate.
  4. That's hilarious. Dumb niggers doing dumb nig*** shit
  5. Wed 06/05/2021 +1 05:39 What are the anchors of sanity that I've lost, and what can I gain? It's pointing wrong however, "maybe I can reverse this". I am comfortable or fine with my own physical death, but this is incomplete or off. My indifference towards my own death seems to be due to hating life and finding it hard. Oscillations between ambition and indifference. I can't work out what this indifference is. It's me saying "I can't" rather than "I won't" it seems. And so I then subtly aline my life with my own self destruction. Despite the "negative" indifference however, the "insanity" is still a strength. It's not insanity, that's just a label. Framing it like that is off. But I'm not fine with anything, and I'm not fine with death. For if that was really true, why does the thought of certain things flood me with fear I avoid? Yes, you can handle the fear. That's the key thing to realise. For even if my worst fears concocted in my mind actualised, it wouldn't matter, I could handle it. Perhaps then my indifference to my own death could take on a different form. "Do you have the grit to sit through all the pain and emotion?". You'll be using the computer, but you have a really bad eye strain and head ache it. But to distract yourself from it, you keep using the computer. But the more and more you consume, the worse and worse the pain gets. Likewise, will my pain not intensify until I am able to pull the plug on distraction? You may finish Akagi at a reasonable pace. And vote at the AGM. I've seen a few of these impressions and forms come up many times before. Will I learn otherwise? Will I relate to them differently. The options appear limited. The paradigm of forcing discipline in that particular manner doesn't work. What I'm doing there is putting pressure on the arising/future. Weaving and pushing the slinki (black plane) to occupy space on the right/forwards. Occupying all the space there is a god awful idea and contortion. Unsure what bending left/backwards mean in this analogy if there is one. I don't feel one.** What are my options? I see one perhaps. Give up on fantasies of health and improvement, and instead work with the real. Give up on all fantasies and strict standards about what's "grounded" to adhere to as well. Give up your out of control worrying and ambition, let it be. Actually fuck it, none of that made any sense, and this whole conversation was for nothing. -- None of my problems were due to the digital. But this dry mouth and thirst, that was the problem. Yes. I can feel myself almost transported, yes to my childhood. But beyond that bubble I cannot go back any farther. There is nothing for me to see or have to know there beyond that, perhaps. Perhaps there is nothing else to know. You know about the heat, thirst, ordinary childhood, ordinary people, the madrasah, the slight boredom, the ordinary joys and annoyances. What else do I need to know about my past? It is not exactly thus? The ordinary friends, the ordinary adults at St A____s, your ordinary father, BBC News, playing Badminton, going to the Park. Your friends at school, bullies at school. Your loving father and mother. Your loving siblings. Your overactive and hilarious mother, playing on the wii, sitting in the hot conservatory, sitting in the cold conservatory. Watching Friends, watching Cartoon Network, watching Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends. Watching Big Brother. Playing in the Garden. What else? What else did I need? What else was there to do? Do I need anything else at all? I could simply die and fallaway exactly thus, and it wouldn't matter in the least bit. I could die with order, in this unchanging human-ness. A simple life Everything's changed, but nothing at all changed. I am ordinary. And exactly thus. -- This is your sense of ordinariness Mujtaba. However, that may not be the complete story. It is simple the reunion of all the different versions, images and perceptions of you. This is meshed in with a sudden flood of Si. "A self is constructed every time you look at yourself" Speaking of mental locations your mind visits. How long have you been imprinted in Uncle Memon's house? For such a long time now, you've hd the same image stuck in your mind of your own death and future. Why are images of Karl Marx and communism imprinted there? You see yourself split between cradle and death like a bowling split, it was all over in the blink of an eye. Image of lying outside in the grassy garden in the breeze, and fading to black like that. It must be some strange mixture of my depersonalisation and Si flooding which leads me to have the perception/illusion that I'm having freaky probings and reunions with all past and future versions of me. My attempts to rationalise it or give it words usually seems to get detoured. I understand visions of the past but it's the future element which is weird as well. My brain will hurt if I try to explain The spiders web/prison of memory and impressions is here. And it all started from feeling this thirst in my mouth. From this thirst, I was transported into 6 year old me, sitting in the hot car and being thirsty. Memory is a bitch. Fuck this boring shit. What will it take to get these chains off of me. The chains of memory and karma are bothersome. It doesn't help that my impressionistic and symbolic thinking knows no bounds in rumination. Any second now I could burst into an obsession with threads of hair, insects and embryos in visual impression. And then freak out about how trees and nature are alive on that super slow rhythm. ** Maybe this is what happens when the worm bends left, answered my own fucking question. Congratulations Muj. Fuck the worm, fuck the black plane, fuck right, fuck left, fuck that entire dumb shit. I made the whole thing up, this is all a thought stream of nothing "Tornado mind", obsession with that past label of mine is more tornado mind. It's been 9 months bro, stop ruminating over those memories.
  6. @Shin Consciousness can be described with numbers. Yes or no?
  7. For context I'm not great at chess. But I don't think it's only the elite who "significantly" benefit from opening theory. I see openings being important at my low level. Opening lines is extremely important is my impression. It all goes together. Trying to draw the lines between skill and memorisation is a silly task to try and do precisely, outside of the rough idea we have of that difference. Separating "latent ability" from what you've memorised isn't easy to precisely do, but we know there's a difference. Although it gets grey and is a fucking mess (aren't the more able also able to memorise more? How are we to make any distinctions ultimately?) But all that hog wash of that words aside, I have the general feeling memory plays a very important role for playing chess. Extremely important. But perhaps you can choose to describe the mechanics and meaning of "memory" however you want. You can make distinctions between different kinds of learning/understanding, different kinds of memory, if you're able to do that. I don't have enough tangible grounded experience to be able to make those.
  8. @KhrLeo will resonate with some more than others. That's how it goes. But the way you reference "EQ" there to label and dismiss people, it's disgusting and reprehensible @Ghost I find it ridiculous too haha
  9. Tuesday 04/05/2021 16:27 How can I ever figure out what's true? The words "what's true?" and everything spoken is a thought, only a subset of all experience. What's the significance of everything that's written or spoken being a thought? It drives me crazy. What even is the self, every time you look at yourself it's as though one is created. What even is my body, and how am I moving It? Does asking "What's true?" even have any meaning? How can anything have any meaning? I ask what is true (what object or statement or thought or thing has the quality of "true") but I haven't asked what is "truth" itself. I am unhappy and wish to seppuku. Feel the jolt awake. Create it. So where does that put my thinking? ughhhhdisugjhfi. This is severely distressing apparently despite no sensations or accompanying physical sense of pain or tension, phantom pain and distress. My thoughts and emotions are slower for some reason, but this is still uncomfortable. Mind panicked that itself and everything is meaningless. Shit, dead end. No, it's not a dead end. 1) Don't worry so much about conveying literal meaning into words, very deeply ingrained. Worried about whether other people can understand you. Also worry about accuracy (assumptions of language containing truth) 2) It's not a dead end there just isn't the rhythm for the direction, let your mind move on.
  10. @universe Gave good advice I'm trying to improve myself in this same domain as well. I dislike the thought of hanging out with certain people of the past not because I'm very scared of them making fun of me neccesarily, but because I know I don't want to hang out with them. It would be boring, and I couldn't bother faking much otherwise. My capacity to keep on a persona has declined a bit. I still have the problem of persona though. Its a bad habit. What's been happening to me recently for example is that I get into conversations for longer than I want. Out of habit I always continue the conversation, even though I'm bored out of my mind with it. Because I put on the persona, I project my own expectations on the other person. "If I'm faking signals, I expect you to do the same". So it's a losing game for everyone to be this way. This diplomacy might be a " low self esteem" issue. Projecting of authority outwards. I oscillate between my real personality and my fake one. Though in truth none of them are me.
  11. @Blackhawk I once listened to David Benator when he went on Sam Harris' podcast. First time I heard of anti-natalism. That was definitely interesting. The philosophy is something I am empathetic towards. It's not something I'd passionately argue or advocate for. But it's very logical and acknowledges the problem of suffering. Before I heard of anti-natalism I questioned the idea that I'd ever want kids when I'm older. My life has been a lot of suffering, I have a lot of mental problems, and I don't want to pass them on to someone else. Life is hard. All thinking aside, having kids just doesn't resonate for me rn. For reasons besides inherently anti-natalistic ones. Moreso that my personality and desire for it isn't there rn. -- Efilism sounds reprehensible. That's just a fancy justification for murder. -- Whilst much of anti-natalism makes some very reasonable questions and observations, its mixed in with much depression/apathy and victim mentality. Which I don't find to be very helpful for anyone still alive
  12. @Ry4n Have you watched Neon Genesis Evangelion by any chance? My friend gave me a fun interpretation of the End of Evangelion film, if you've seen it.
  13. @Derek White Maybe it's better to not always be obsessed with SD as a hierarchy, and more as a tapestry of different forms and forces. Also, all the tier 1 stages are tier 1. Of course there's still meaning to the order they're arranged, but just contextualise it right. A hierarchy as a mathematically abstract object is just a plain old sequence, a string, it's meaningless. It's up to us how we contextualise it and give it meaning. Alternatively, you could just throw the whole thing away. It's all about what your goal is, and whether the model is helpful for that
  14. @ardacigin Thanks for the posts!! I usually just practice my concentration, so I'll see if this ever works or helps
  15. https://archive.org/details/collectedworksof91cgju/page/n15/mode/2up Pages 3-16 (numbers in scanned book rather than in toolbar UI) are really good here. Jung basically talks about why symbols, religions, primitive tribal lore and mythology exists in the first place. The basic premise of what projection is. Religious formulae, symbols and algorithms designed to channel people's experience of the transcendent. They are intended to represent and explain the power of the divine for people, whilst also protecting them from the dangers of direct contact with the unconscious without tradition/symbols. He references the stories of christians mystics who had deeply intimate contact with the unconscious, and almost went mad. But they used dogma to regain their sanity. But the symbols are polished smooth of anything tangible, elaborated on too much, people don't have the actuality of them. Everyone experiences the unconscious in their own way, but these symbols seek to encompass and standardise all. In trying to encompass all, it becomes vague and meaningless, no actuality. Christian symbols losing their meaning for people, the same way The Gods of Rome and Greece also lost their meaning for people. Protestants enacted a form of iconoclasm but are in the same dilemmas nonetheless. Meanwhile the east has plenty of unexhausted mana to the western mind Are we better off avowing our poverty of symbols, or begging another culture for theirs, only to grow disillusioned of those too?