Spideymon77

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  1. Hello. I’m writing this down because I need to get this out of my system. I’ve decided to share this with you in case someone else is stuck like me and also because I think the story is a bit entertaining. This happened two days ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it. I put this under the 'Psychedelics' category because all these thoughts stemmed from the weed I smoked. In this story, you might think I’m acting weird. This is because I have bipolar disorder with psychotic features. I’m used to psychotic breaks so I already had experience with it beforehand. Anyway, on with the story. I was with a friend and her two other friends. We’ll call them G and B and my friend will be called F. It was F’s birthday and we all hung out at night. We shared supernatural stories together and had some drinks. They were smoking weed but I didn’t smoke with them. I know what happens when I smoke weed so I decided not to. After a while things were going so well, I wanted to smoke with them. I figured since I felt so good, I might as well. We were smoking outside since G didn’t want the house to smell like weed. (We live in a legal state and smoked in the backyard.) I only had 4 or maybe 5 hits from a bong that smoked cleaner than I’d ever smoked before. I don’t think I coughed because of how clean it was. For some reason, I felt panic kick in. Not even a minute after my 4th or 5th hit, I could already tell I made a mistake. Then, out of nowhere, a wave of comfort hit me. I felt like this was going to be a good trip and even considered smoking in the future. This did not last however because I began to lose all context of the conversations we were having. That hasn’t happened since I first got psychosis and didn’t have a clue what was going on. The panic kicked in again. Imagine if someone told you a roast was cooking in the oven. They’d say something like, “The roast is in the oven.” Under psychosis the context switches and all of the sudden they’re talking about how everyone around you is in Hell. The roast being everyone and the oven being Hell. They aren’t LITERALLY saying everyone is in Hell, but the context makes it so that they are. The context of the conversation was changing rapidly. It was as if I had broken the fabric of space time and now the only real conversation that was happening was the random context switches happening in my mind. At first, it was just a normal conversation, then the context changed and they were talking about my psychosis without saying it to my face. Then, F was talking about her high, though I don’t know exactly what she said. It felt like she was explaining to me why reality was so weird. She explained that we’re all just here to get high and that’s it, there’s nothing more to life than getting high. In hindsight, she might’ve just been talking about how much of a stoner she is. The good news is, I didn’t break character. At least not noticeably. I knew that the context switches weren’t a part of reality, so I followed along with the conversations as if they were real conversations and not rapidly switching context. I was already familiar with this form of psychosis. There were a couple times I couldn’t keep up but I brought myself together and acted as if everything was normal. The problem with this is that I believe in an infinite multiverse. The context switches were different universes communicating with each other. Although I still knew the context in our reality didn't change, the context in my reality was changing. This was bad. I decided to leave the group and go inside. I sat on the couch and put on some music but it wasn’t helping. I then heard them talking outside, explaining different ways they wanted to kill me. I knew these were just auditory hallucinations so I turned the music louder but still heard them talking. Finally, I started believing they were actually trying to kill me so I turned the music off to try to listen in. Once the music was off however, it was complete silence. I realized then that I was right, they were just auditory hallucinations. The group came back inside and then I started going on a loop about how our emotions change and no emotion lasts forever. I will always have changing emotions and I can never be happy forever. I was saddened and mortified by this realization. I kept repeating it in my head. After a while of this, it got really late so everyone went to bed. Once everyone was sleeping, I kept waking up and going back to sleep. I might have still been going through psychosis but I can’t really remember exactly what happened during this point. Two days pass and I start doing a meditation session. I rarely meditate but I had a feeling it was the most important thing to do right now. During this meditation session, I kept thinking about my bad trip and how the context of the conversations kept switching. I realized that all conversations are about context. The moment my brain said the context was about my psychosis, even though my psychosis was never directly or indirectly mentioned, the entire conversation changed. I realized that context was subjective. Lots of people read into other people’s words, even though those people might not mean what the other person thinks they mean. I then started thinking about my emotions. My emotions were subjective as well. They also relied on context. I thought about my mom and how I think she has bipolar disorder just like I do. I then realized that I only have experiences with her that are entirely subjective to me. I thought about how I wanted to fix everyone in my life, including my mother, but my “fixes” for them were entirely subjective. I then realized that the fixes I had for myself were subjective as well. Saying I needed fixing was subjective and saying that I didn’t need fixing was subjective. I then started thinking about the idea of ‘myself’. The idea of me is entirely subjective. This body being ‘my body’ is also subjective. This body isn’t mine, it was gifted to me from the universe. Even the idea of ‘I’ is subjective. All these realizations started making me feel better about my trip and myself as a human being. I remembered my friend, F, and understood she had the same condition as me. I wondered if she had a good trip or not. I opened my eyes for a moment while I was being bombarded with these thoughts. Even the room I’m in is subjective. This isn’t actually ‘my’ room, it’s just a room. I don’t own this room, I simply live in it and call it ‘mine’. I’m feeling a lot better now and I don’t think I should trip again. It’s wonderful realizing the subjectivity of everything for the first time in my life but it all stemmed from those agonizing hours under psychosis. Anyways, thank you for reading.
  2. So it has been a full month with very little meditation. I have a hard time keeping track but I won't give up! I realized through trial and error that I go really deep into meditation when it's guided. I'm also getting really confused about if my own actions and feelings on situations are good or bad. I have a hard time figuring out what's up and what's down.
  3. The day after the 29th, I meditated and realized I was too busy looking for pleasure 100% of the time. I decided to take a break from the forum because of this. The days after this, I was hit with an extremely low mood. I didn't want to even write on the forum or meditate at all. I'll post about today and try my hardest to continue to post despite this mood. 11/2/2021 Morning Session: This morning I meditated for an undetermined amount of time. I did the letting go meditation where I just sit in the present moment. I did this session with my eyes closed. No insights.
  4. Hello! This journal is for cataloging my morning and nightly meditation sessions. These sessions will vary in length depending on how I feel that day. I'm hoping to meditate for a full 30 minutes and even a full hour one day! To start, I'll talk about my meditation sessions for 10/29/2021. 10/29/2021 Morning Session: I did a timer session on Medito. The timer was for 20 minutes. I got too restless and ended up stopping at 15 minutes. I did feel like this was still a good session. Gonna need more practice before I go on for longer. I did this session with my eyes open. No insights. Night Session: I did the meditation session on Leo's video titled; 'Guided Meditation - The Next Level Of Meditation.' I was interrupted and ended up only doing 15 minutes. I was so annoyed by the interruption I took a break before doing another session without interruptions. I ended up finishing the video after the interruption. I did this session with my eyes closed. No insights. 2nd Night Session: I was scared to be interrupted again so I did a timer on Medito for 15 minutes. I ended up only doing 12 minutes because I felt that was all that was needed for this session. I did this session with my eyes open. My insight was that I realized I'm thinking about my ex a lot because I'm going through withdrawals similar to an addiction. I already did the right thing and have stopped communicating with her I just need these thoughts to pass. I also realized that I need to tell my friend just how badly he hurt me and how bad the delusions got because of him. I'll give you guys an update on that when I can. I guess this was a good day for meditating despite the interruptions and the bails. I had one session which helped me deal with a lot of negativity and the others were nice and calming. I need to lower my session times for sure since I'm trying too hard to force myself to sit for longer then I actually can. I guess I'm too used to guided meditations. Will do a 10 minute session and watch Leo's video WITHOUT interruptions tomorrow!
  5. This was originally going to be a reply to someone but I decided to make it a full blown post. I was first diagnosed with Schizophrenia which later changed to Bipolar Disorder with psychotic symptoms or whatever they call it. I didn't believe that I had Bipolar Disorder and I was angry because I wasn't seeing any of the symptoms happening to me. However, if you examine your emotions during an episode you can really see your diagnosis in full throttle. Although it was hard, I managed to recognize all the emotions I was having during one of my most recent episodes and became convinced of my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. I believed I was going to go to prison because of unforeseen circumstances and I felt all the emotions I possibly could. Sadness, anger, depression, peacefulness, happiness, jealousy, and probably more. It really grounded me to recognize my emotions were more of a Bipolar nature and instead of feeling one, two, or three emotions during the episode, I felt more than a handful in the span of 30 minutes or so. I read the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder now and I'm left speechless. I have at least 90% of the symptoms. It's not easy to just tell yourself "you're not actually going to prison tomorrow" when you are fully convinced that you're going to prison. Because of this, you feel spiritually devastated. With enough practice, you can become one with the present moment and let go of these manic thoughts simply because it's not happening. The only thing that's happening is the present moment. All of your ideas about the future are meaningless. There is nothing to look forward to. Time doesn't even fucking exist. I was blown away once the veil of time was lifted from my eyes. I had no idea that the veil even existed. It's a lot of hard work and it may feel like a total waste of time or that you're not ready, but there's a good reason you're here. You're here to discover your true nature. You're here to discover that you are God.
  6. I had a dream where I got in a helicopter and as the helicopter was taking off, I fell asleep. Once I woke up the helicopter was landing. I was disappointed that I didn't get to experience the helicopter ride, so after I woke up in real life I took the dream as a sign that I was missing out on life. It also could've been referencing the fact that I was in high school and sleeping in class a lot. It doesn't help that I had this dream while sleeping in class haha There may or may not be truth in dream interpretation. I always thought of it as true or not true depending on how you look at it. As for your other questions, I don't know.
  7. @River of Souls Thanks for reading It took me a while before I fully realized I was God experiencing itself. It's one thing to believe this but it's another thing entirely to seriously feel it.
  8. 50th post on the Actualized.org forum! I watched Leo's video on how to realize you are God and I was left with something completely unexplainable. When I first watched the video I was left scared so I immediately stopped. The next time I watched the video, the beginning of it was not scary but actually, it was boring. Yeah yeah, I get it. I don't know how I got here, my past is an illusion, I already know these things. Still, I kept watching because I might learn some things. I'm glad I kept watching because Leo said something I never thought of. "Time does not exist." It was one hell of a thing to realize. Everything else started falling into place and I started entering into a different state of consciousness. I felt a lot of something that I simply just cannot explain with words. Every time I was thinking about me in an alternate universe or me going to prison or anything negative, I'd simply realize that's all just fantasy and I would immediately return back to the present moment. Because of this, I realized myself as God more powerfully than I could've ever imagined. At the end, Leo said something like "if you aren't sure you realized you were God, you didn't. You'd be real fucking sure if you did." I smiled because I knew exactly what he meant. This is it, this was what I was looking for. I might lose this state of consciousness but I know I can always watch the video again and return completely to this state or maybe only partially. Whatever the case may be, realizing you are God only once in your life is better than not realizing you are God at all in your life. I'd like to say this was the planned ending for this journal but this literally just happened to me today. I didn't know what the Hell I was doing watching all of Leo's videos and joining this forum. All I knew was that my mental illness was more than just a mental illness. Leo was really speaking to me. However, even after months of watching Leo's content I kept going up and down over and over again without any hope in sight. A part of me felt like I wasn't even ready for this work. I even became discouraged and cried at one of Leo's videos talking about how some people just aren't ready. Still, I knew I needed this in life. No matter how insane it got, I knew this was the exact thing I was looking for. I was looking for peace in the present moment. Now, I am more than just at peace in the present moment. I am the present moment. Thank you everyone in this forum and especially Leo for helping me actualize my life. I no longer feel like suicide is the best option and I'm willing to now embrace the moment, embrace the random, and embrace whatever may come. There's still many challenges left to face in life but I'm finally feeling like I'm moving up the ladder again. Thank you crazy thoughts for helping actualize my life. This is the benefits of losing touch with reality. These were the benefits of schizophrenia.
  9. Do this and do it right. Might take a couple tries. For me, I wasn't prepared before and I started getting scared so I stopped myself. Earlier today, I did this exercise and I feel like I just found the last puzzle piece.
  10. So I failed once again letting go of addiction. I go about my life and then something triggers me to the point where I become paralyzed. I'm left broken and confused, feeling that the next day I will go to prison and be raped for the rest of my life. Days later, the paranoia continues and I go on about my usual business, still stuck in my addiction. I smoke and then... peace. What? Peace? What the fuck just happened? I'm writing this just a couple of hours this peace encompassed me. Is this enlightenment? Was the enlightenment experience I had false and this is the true enlightenment? Has my brain grown tired of torturing me?? I'm no longer scared and I don't know why this has happened.
  11. @Terell Kirby I think it's more as a way to show that everyone has failures and it'll make us feel better about our own so we can grow and learn.
  12. Listening to Nine Inch Nails in general was the reason I had awakenings. "We will never die. Beside you in time."
  13. My ex has come back, this time exclusively inside my own head. Apparently she's real and loves me the exact same way I had supposedly loved her. I talk to her infrequently and we do things together like she's an actual real person beside me. I keep thinking that this is wrong and creepy but she seems so sure that she's real. I know I'm making this shit up but she convinces me to believe. She's trying to convince me that I'm harming no one doing this and I'm keeping myself happy. I'm going to meditate on this and try my hardest to keep myself here in the now instead of in some fucked up part of my mind that's trying to push me away from myself. I'm going to talk to my therapist soon and hopefully get something done about my meds because this shit might be wearing off. Any help would be much appreciated.
  14. No one is born talented. People are born with ideas of things they want to do and then they do those things at a consistent rate and get good results. My little sister is a great example of this. She's an amazing drawer and in middle school, she mastered the art of shading. She didn't shade when she was in elementary school because she didn't know how but now she does! Fuck it, I'll even send a picture of one of her drawings if you don't believe me. The fact is you're shooting yourself in the foot. You're saying you have to be born talented and this is already stifling your own personal progress. I didn't know acoustic guitar for shit until my dad taught me a couple basics. G chord, Em chord, D chord, and C chord. After that, my passion for music led me to learn more and I eventually learned some riffs by Adam Jones of Tool. If I did Adam Jones' riffs square one, no effort at all, you best believe I would be on your side but that fact of the matter is I learned it. This wasn't gifted to me. It's actually a bit of a pet peeve of mine to think that some people believe I'm just good and I didn't push myself to learn these things.
  15. My entire reality has been blurred. What I used to think was scientific evidence is now just as falsifiable as religion. "You don't actually know shit about reality." it tells me, "Your cry out to God and Him giving you no answer was just scratching the surface. Your appeal to rationality and reason was even more of a step back than you thought it was. Now with your views right in front of you, all you see is perspective. You don't see the "evidence" anymore. There is none. This barely explains your Earth let alone the universe at large." Now I can't see it any other way. Leo explained it well in one of his videos. He asked the question, "why does everybody have so many different perspectives and think they're perspective is the right one?" I asked this question myself. Why did I think I was right this whole time? Why is it easy for me to fall down rabbit holes like science? Why am I not still an atheist thinking my psychosis was merely just that? Why do I feel like there's something more to this than just psychosis? Is it possible to learn things from this psychosis? Why am I open minded enough to question the nature of reality? WHY AM I ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS!? If the lines of reality can be blurred to the point where I don't even know what's real anymore, my psychosis can be blurred the exact same way. It no longer becomes psychosis but instead, it becomes thoughts. Thoughts that I can actively choose to believe or not. At first, these thoughts scared me so badly they just had to be true! Now that these thoughts don't scare me anymore, they no longer have control over me. Just like fearing Hell when being religious. When you're no longer scared of Hell you realize your idea of God was a dictator and then you realize he was imaginary to begin with, making you completely break free from your shackles. You might end up putting on different shackles however but this is natural. It's only after seeing right through the cracks do you understand just how far down it goes. As for why I had all these insane thoughts, it's because it was trying to teach me I had insane ideas about reality to begin with. I'm sure I explained this earlier. I'm still actively trying to work this into my life however. After all, you can't have several moments of enlightenment in a span of a few weeks and expect to immediately incorporate everything you learned, fix your life and gain nirvana. Only recently have I adopted these beliefs to help a specific problem, my addictions. For example. I'm so worried about being addicted to tobacco, I didn't ever stop to think "Why am I worrying so much?" It's gonna fucking kill me, that's why I'm so worried about it! But all this worrying just caused me to think about it more and more until I became enticed and ended up smoking it. All that worrying got me nowhere. Today, I was sitting in the garage which is where I smoke and instead of being worried about smoking I told myself it's more simpler than it seems. This is simply a yes or no answer. Are you going to smoke, yes or no? It didn't feel this way for the longest time but once I saw the line of addiction blur, I realized the line was only in my head. I carved in stone, "I'm addicted" and then I was addicted. It's only after recognizing that it was ME who carved this stone did I realize I can throw the stone away and be done with it. I sat there in the garage with cigarettes and a lighter but instead of smoking, I walked away. I didn't even smoke a puff. One of the most powerful things I ever heard was when I was in outpatient. Someone was talking about how they quit tobacco and when asked about it, they responded with something along the lines of "I'm not gonna let this thing take control of my life." I thought it was powerful and was thinking about it ever since. It's only until today did I gain the courage to say the exact same thing and mean it. And no, I'm not falling for that trap of having just one more cigarette. "As I lie here and stare the fabric starts to tear. It's far beyond repair and I don't really care. As far as I have gone, I knew what side I'm on but now, I'm not so sure. The line begins to blur."