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  1. Day 3 - I didn't finish journaling about the trip yet. Today was "good," there was a nice after glow in the morning. However, as the day progressed I began kind of getting depressed. My mind and senses just felt a little burned after such an intense trip yesterday. Sometimes this happens, but I'm usually good the next day. 0 urges to masturbate or watch porn. Literally feel 0 negative effects from the masturbation too. I'm just gonna keep it to no more than 1x per week and go from there. I plan on writing up a lot of the details of this dynamic in my trip report.
  2. @Zigzag Idiot Thank you Yeh I think I may have over done it. I'll just kind of let the dust settle... We've been friends for close to 2 years so I'm just hoping I didn't Fuck it up too badly. She's been kind of cold recently so probably came across as quite needy. Oh well. But yes I don't feel as nearly as divided about my sexual energy... It feels really liberating.
  3. Nightly intentions: Morning yoga 1 hour of meditation Write trip report Workout Clean Trek out to get a shot for my YouTube cover art
  4. Day 2 - It was a fucking day. I jerked off, tripped on 3g of mushrooms, woke up to infinite self love, healed my relationship with masturbation, tried to call a girl I sent a dirty text to which long story short ended up probably coming across as misogynistic, I tried to call said girl, but realized I was still tripping in the middle of leaving a voicemail, and then spent an hour trying to write a text message to "fix'" the situation. A train wreck on all accounts. Moral of the story - Mushrooms man...
  5. Day 1 - Had that "date" with the girl. It went extremely well. I could tell she was having a lot of fun and so was I, probably the most relaxed, humorous, joyful day I've had all summer. In terms of building attraction, I could tell I was doing everything correctly. We went on a hike and I was leading 95% of the time, I was asking the majority of the questions, she was talking probably around 70% of the time which is great. And in terms of asking questions, I wasn't just asking bland questions either, I was creating emotional investment on her end by getting her to open up and dig deeper beyond the surface level. My body was extremely loose and relaxed the whole time, my shoulders were dropped rather than tensed up, my chest was facing out rather than all scrunched up like I'm texting, my mind felt at complete ease the whole time. Even when there were dips in the conversation, rather than trying to fill them in with useless chatter, I just let the silence flow and so did she. It was great. We went hiking, chilled on the beach, and just literally talked and laughed the whole time. Not sure how things will play out with her long term, but I know today was really great. In terms of how I was coming across, the energy I was giving her, I do not think this type of "vibe" is conditional. In other words, I truly feel like I can move myself energetically to embody these characteristics regardless of the state I'm in. A mind over matter kind of thing. I think the no porn and general lack of masturbation has helped, but I'm just not sold on the idea that I have to abstain from ejaculation to attract women. In fact, every woman I've ever attracted in my life has been while I'm actively partaking in pmo. When I met this girl way back at the beginning of the year I was in this addiction cycle and still managed to do it. Just some thoughts.
  6. Day 0 - P Today was a very shitty day. I was off from work which would normally be great, but from the moment I woke up I just felt horrible. No motivation for anything at all. It felt like all of my energy was literally stuck in my balls. My body felt heavy, lethargic, my mind was foggy and totally lost in thought. I didn't meditate today either. The reason it's day 0 is not because of relapsing on pmo, but because I ended up watching porn. What's kind of freaky about the situation though is that today was also a really bad day for my health. My blood sugar was swinging from high to low to high to low all day long. Around 3pm I got the most intense sexual craving I'd received while doing this whole thing. My mind felt totally out of control, and my awareness was so so so dull. So I ended up watching the porn. However, somehow I kept myself from masturbating. Then about an hour later I went and checked my blood sugar and it was 3.5 times higher than it should have been. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm really not. But when my blood sugar gets that high, it starts to really affect my mind. My emotions become really unpredictable. My mind becomes dull. My awareness gets dampened to the point where I'm unaware of the fact that there's even been a significant drop in awareness until I go and check my blood sugar. After I gave myself insulin, my mood started returning to normal, and my motivation and drive to do things productive returned. Unfortunately I went through another round of high and low this evening. It was a day. Fucking full moon energy I guess. Anyways, today was an interesting day because of the relapse. Leo's blog post about health is really fucking significant man. Good health is quite literally the foundation for consciousness work. I wonder if it's even possible to become enlightened without a properly working, healthy body/mind system. It really frustrates me that my personality, mood, emotions, motivation, mind, concentration, awareness can be so affected by my health situation. It makes me feel weak like I'm somehow making excuses for myself, but then I feel the difference of high blood sugar vs. when the insulin is kicking in and the difference is dramatic. In terms of this whole 90 day thing I'm not even sure how I feel. I'm honestly tired of becoming dysfunctionally horny. Without a doubt there is no purpose for porn in my life. It needs to go 100%. Just like I would never start doing heroine, there's no need for porn. Masturbation on the other hand... It just feels like I'm repressing my sexuality in all honesty. Yes some of the benefits are great, but some of the increases in energy are not actually that helpful, they just make me feel aggressive and unbalanced, especially when strong sexual urges come. It also feels like these state changes we feel from no fap are possible to generate without the need to do hardmode. I'm not sure yet though. I'm just gonna let this one sit and contemplate on it more. Either way I will keep going on the 90 days no pmo/porn and to be determined with regular porn free masturbation.
  7. Day 30 - Saw a girl on a hike today and thought, "I'd fuck the shit out of her." Which pretty sums up what day 30 feels like. Scheduled a hiking date with a girl. Note gentlemen, unless you are already regularly having sex, a hike isn't the best date idea. The logistics for sex are horrible; sex is the most important component of a relationship to gauge whether you're moving into friend zone territory. However given that it's the time of COVID, I really don't care about dating/relationships/seduction right now. Still ready to start doing serious cold approaches once things are "normal" again.
  8. Day 29- I didn't finish reading the book, in fact I didn't read at all, nor did I complete the life purpose work I'd set for myself. However, I did end up spending probably around 6 hours today working on recording broll, changing my profile picture, and channel art background. It's amazing how many failed attempts I went through before finding the design. Even though it wasn't related to video production, it was just as important, more important even. This is 100% an unhealthy behavior to indulge in, but I ended up smoking a joint just to slow down how much I was pushing myself with work towards the end of the night. Yet, what was so amazing is that when I returned to my computer in the altered state I came up with the final piece to my channel art that I'd been working on. Everything literally just clicked and it's exactly where it needs to be. Today was one of them most creative days I've had in my life, which brings me to the topic of this journey. I don't know if it's a function of the no fap/no porn, but I've been consistently hitting levels of work ethic I've not expressed in a very long time. It's like I'm tapping into a source of my being which feels energetically aligned with this purpose. I think there are two reasons for this: 1) Because I finally feel confident in the types of videos I want to make and how I'm creatively distinguishing myself from the loads of other spirituality based channels out there, I think it's easier to have a powerful vision of where I'm heading with the channel. Having this level of visioning really helps with pushing myself. 2) I think there truly is something to this semen retention technique. Even though its caused a good bit of suffering, it's also correlated with massive increases in energy bouts, focus, and work ethic. - The last thing I wanted to mention. The other part of my YouTube channel that changed today was the name. I changed it from a brand name I'd come up with about a year ago, to now just being my personal name. Well the name my parents gave "me" ;P When I finally was at the screen to make the change, energy in my heart swelled up and I cried, a lot. There was so much I learned from the first channel, and I will carry those lessons with me to death. Yet it was truly time to begin a new.
  9. Day 28 - Didn't journal last night unfortunately. I was working on a lot and it just got so late. There weren't really any highlights work mentioning. Just another day. Daily intentions: Hatha yoga (boho beautiful channel on YT) 1 hour of meditation Post video on YouTube to publish tomorrow Create outline for next video Do more keyword research for future videos Finish The War of Art (GREAT book btw) Workout Get a 'date' with a girl I've been talking with on and off this year (not a real date as we'll still have to social distance, but we've been tentatively talking and making plans for hiking when she'll be back in the city I live in. She's really cool. Not the girl I mentioned previously though) Just finished Leo's blog post on the concept of requisite variety. Extremely powerful and empowering concept. I realized I'd been unknowingly applying this concept to how I make videos... But I can start applying this meta skill of creativity to literally ALL of my problems in life. I think one thing I've learned is that creativity is truly limitless and to solve one's issues in life, it will require a massive amount of creativity. The amount of creative solutions a mind can create is infinite even when we feel contracted and limited in a moment. For example, I remember stressing out about what to make my next video on, but after spending about 2 hours or so last night researching keywords and determining whether ranking for those SEO choices would be authentic to what I'm REALLY wanting to talk about, I found a great combination of words that is both competitive in terms of SEO, but also authentic in that it honestly represents what I want to talk about. The point is, I had enough requisite variety to find the right combinations of words in addition to having enough requisite variety to find a way of making more creative and engaging videos. Other domains I need to apply requisite variety to in my life: Dating, attraction, seduction, interactions with the opposite sex My financial situation/escaping wage slavery My living situation Being more creative with life purpose goals My own inner psychology of personal development/habit formation Time management My health and wellness/Energy problems
  10. Day 27 - Today was better. More energy, less resistance. I went downtown and took some shots with the camera, felt good. I smoked a joint which was honestly very relaxing and stabilizing. Taking long gaps between smoking definitely makes the experience feel more healing and less draining. In terms of PMO updates let me list the changes I've observed in my direct experience: Body feels energetically polarized. It feels like there is energy running throughout my body from the sacral chakra. I feel more aggression Noticeable more energy levels Higher work ethic I hit flow states much more quickly Very horny. Random women incredibly more attractive I have resistance looking people in the eye for longer I'm noticing more random women look at me Need slightly less sleep Negatives: Miserably horny sometimes Weird sex dreams Sometimes I've felt like flow states have turned into overworking Mind activity has increased during meditation Other positive habits are more difficult to follow Dick feels hyper sensitive. Not sure how I'm supposed to have sex on no fap and last
  11. Currently on day 27 of no fap, or somewhere around there. Yeah the energy increases I've received are fucking absurd. I've actually spent this last week over working on my Life Purpose to the point where I sacrificed sleep and other healthy behaviors just so I could work longer. It felt manic. I'm not really sure if no fap is the healthiest thing long term, it feels unbalanced. I think a balanced release schedule like once every week or two would be ideal. Still not sure. Porn on the other hand.... Yeah that shit is just poison for the mind.
  12. Day 26 - It feels like I'm really starting to enter the trenches... I woke up today very tired and unmotivated to do anything. I started talking yesterday about how the no fap feels like its helping with my chronic fatigue and today felt like one of the worst days of CFS I've had in awhile lol. I'm not sure if after the 90 days I'll continue the no fap... It feels like the sexual release could be a centering technique, healthy if done in the appropriate way. I'm really not sure though. I think after the 90 days I will have more clarity, I still feel like this could easily be addiction brain talking. 26 days of abstinence after 12 years of pmo is hardly healed or in a position to honestly evaluate what's healthiest. Tbqh it's really annoying being so horny, but somehow I can subtly tell that there is a deep healing process taking place. I will continue to not underestimate this addiction. Just as I can tell healing is taking place, I can also feel the grip of this addiction on the mind. On a more positive note, it's really cool that every day forward from here on out is a personal record.
  13. 1) I'd intellectually realize that all of those things are impermanent. Life will take them away from you sooner or later, well before you die. 2) Start getting comfortable with just being. Start practicing some sort of do nothing practice where you are just silently being. The more at peace you can be with being alone, the easier detachment will become. Find the happiness, joy, beauty, and fulfillment with doing nothing at all, and you've hacked life. 3) Just be patient. I've had days where I feel totally in bliss and completely willing to accept anything life has to give, and then I've had days where I'm totally caught in my ego stories, craving and desiring things that are completely out of my control. Attachment takes time to let go of, this is because of the self survival mechanism that keeps you alive. Don't underestimate its power. I'm sure other people on this forum can give helpful advice. This was just sort of off the top of my head, I hope it helps
  14. Mushrooms are much cheaper and fully organic I know psychedelics aren’t for everyone though, but I consider them to have extraordinary spiritual guidance if that’s what you feel you need, may be worth considering. Great to hear it went well though. Im interested to hear about future updates!
  15. Day 25 - Another solid day. My energy levels have been skyrocketing lately... Unfortunately the sexual energy is as well. As someone who experiences chronic fatigue like symptoms quite frequently, having this level of energy is an amazing feeling, however having really strong sexual urges is difficult to transmute. I updated my YouTube's channel art and am quite satisfied with it. I plan on releasing the latest video on Sunday. Regardless of whether it does well or not, whether Lady Algorithm likes it or not, I know I poured my heart into this one, and I know its quality captures everything I've been trying to accomplish with videos. I consider it a new beginning to my video creation journey and as such, I view it as a new baseline. I will only continue to improve. Maybe the next video I make won't be as good or successful, but in a year's time I will have a linear line of progress, I will improve, I will grow. Regardless of whether this video does well, I know it's captured the vision of my Life Purpose more than any other video I've ever made, and for that I have nothing but self-reverence.