lostmedstudent

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  1. @Key Elements hi . I am no sure which part of my story you were referring to? Could you elaborate e please?
  2. @outlandish nice thanks
  3. @Nahm I’ve shared a few sadguru and Leo’s videos with my dad in the past and I think my dad didn’t like Leo much. My dad has his point of view regarding truth and enlightenment. He has his own resources that he listens but wouldn’t like to have his ideas challenged. He started to distance himself from me over the years, even though we live in he same house still. It made me really sad at first, I cried many times to my mom, my boyfriend and my grandparents about it and finally came to accept it. But I didn’t really accept it. I accepted in the sense: if he doesn’t like to talk to me, then I won’t talk to him. My dad is really odd in his ways, he doesn’t ever talk to his own parents (my grand parents whom I Skype every week). As i grow up I learnt to be more loving towards my mom and our relationship has improved and I would feel bad for my mom to live with a guy like him. He would lash out onto my mom once in a while, but at least he talks to her when he’s in a better mood. For the last year especially, I felt very powerless in my family situation. I’m not sure how to behave exactly. I want to be more caring and loving towards my dad, but it just is so hard. Yet I don’t want to not try and let the issues stay unresolved and regret it when it’s too late. i was hoping to ponder on that question on my next psychedelics trip.
  4. I had a decent childhood. I was in a family that’s well off, just very strict parents that emphasized on academic success. I remember being punished physically a few times for bad behaviours when I was younger. My dad is also a very very short tempered, explosive and rigid person. He had made me cry for more times than I can remember I guess it left some scars in me but I don’t know in what ways exactly. I immigrated to Canada with my parents at age of 13. In the new country, i experienced some cultural shock, had a minor case of being bullied, switched school, then everything carried on as planned. I always had very low self esteem, I was socially awkward, socially self-conscious +++ and care a lot about what people thought of me. I was also really jealous of others, jealous of the popular kids at school , jealous of my own friends even. I was also quite short tempered. I used to argue with my parents for nothing and everything ,I guess like an average teenager. but I was really really rude to my mom because my dad scares me, so instead i let it out on my mom. I’m the only child btw. My parents are Buddhists. Especially my dad, he is also a seeker. Although education and financial success are the most important things for my dad. they never tried to impose their buddhists beliefs on me. We had a lot of intellectual discussions in my household about death, dying, heaven hell, in which it was mostly my dad lecturing us about his own beliefs. Then in the summer of 2013, when I was 18, he told me about a Buddhist teacher online. It was pretty old school, the teacher was a monk who was interpreting old Buddha texts. I listened everyday for the entire summer and meditated a lot that summer too. It did touch upon the Truth, but more about the different Buddhist god, nirvana, hell, and stuff like that. Nonetheless, it was eye opening for me. It made me realize how my behaviors towards my parents, especially my mom was so inadequate and disrespecutful. i wanted to change that. I wanted to be less resentful and more respectful to my parents. I started doing prayers, 1-2 a day , a few minutes at a time where I recited the Buddhist texts. I became vegetarian like my parents. My progress was quite slow because I dedicated most of my time studying when I was 18-20. Then my efforts paid off and I got into medical school. Thats when things came to halt spiritually speaking. I was so happy, over the moon that I was going to be a doctor. I was so proud so arrogant . Plus the workload is heavy in med school so I didn’t have much free time. But my problems didn’t go away, I was still jealous, sometimes depressed, feels unfulfilled, and stressed. I wasn't confident, i had low self esteem. I tried weed to escape but had panic attacks instead. I procrastinated, I wasn't doing well in medical school, almost failed a class, I was just feeling like I was losing it. My life was so consumed by medical school that everything felt aimless. To add to all of that, i had a very toxic romantic relationship that lingered on for half a year. i was so emotionally exhausted, unhappy and neurotic by the end of my second year of med school. Then I discovered some of Leo’s earlier videos on self help in 2016. I watched more and more, they changed my life. Leo made me see beyond the one side of the world that im used to. I started meditating again, I went on meditation retreats. I read a book called Power of Now that changed my perspective, and motivated me to search for the Ultimate Truth. Learnt a lot about myself and started to have a more balanced life. I started taking running and my health more seriously. I started reading books that are not medical textbooks since last summer, and I got introduced to psychedelics. I have had 2 mild psychedelic experiences so far, and this is only the beginning. I am a lot happier now. MY life feels balanced. Truth be told, I did not dedicate that much time relatively speaking to self development, so that’s probably why my progress seems quite slow. Maybe I should listen to some of Leo’s videos that inspired me again and take notes. I am still continuously struggling with jealousy. My relationship with my dad has gotten worse. He seems to be struggling with his own issues but he doesn’t like to talk about it so we barely talk nowadays... i feel very ambivalent about my family dynamic. i still have a year left before i graduate medical school, and i have yet to decide on where and what specialty i would like to go into.
  5. Thats some powerful message! it was totally true. the same falling went from fun and laughable to being life threatening because i freaked out. see, my problem was i tried to calm down and listen to my intuition, but the moment was so powerful that there was no place for me to intuitate.. it sounds like you getting lost in the woods was more dangerous than what i did but you just handled it better. what skills are you referring to exactly? equanimity? Thank you so much for reading and sharing your story.
  6. @Mu_ thank you for reading! Yeah the people I loved flashed right in front of my eyes. They seem so close yet so far from my heart. I’ve had panick attacks before and that definitely was a strong one! today is 3 days later.. I feel like I’ve already fallen back to the same life habit. I had forgotten that it even happened! It’s so easy for us to live life automatically, and stop realizing how precious it is !
  7. @bejapuskas i tried Yhuasca once with uniao de vegetal. It’s very religious though. Throughout the ceremony they read a lot of rules and articles and they do religious hymns and musics. Also I threw up and ayahuasca tea is known to make stomach upset, about 4 people at the session got sick and threw up.
  8. Death or the threat of death really comes at the most unexpected moments. Im doing a rotation in northern Quebec, and my way of discovering a place is to run around town. Today I planned to go for a long run, I wanted to discover some quieter and more serene roads where I can just run and not be disturbed by the passing traffic and the dusty trails they leave behind. The weather is pretty good, about 5-6 degree celsius with lots of sun, wind is blowing, snow is melting, the weather was just lovely (for northern quebec..) After running through a long stretch of road that comes to a dead end, there was an entrance to the woods area. And I decided to go in once I realized the snow conditions are quiet good. I also ran into another man who was taking a long walk through the woods and he told me the roads in the forests are pretty steady. So I started to jog and found it to be so peaceful and nice in the snowy woods. It’s a very small trail that’s quite soft under my steps and there are trees arching over so it makes a nice shadow for the blasting sun above me. There are certain areas where the snow is softer and would sink under my feet. Sometimes a little bit, other times I sink to my knees, but it all fun and games, I just pull my feet out and carry on. There are also not many forks along the way, and for the 2 forks (or so I thought) that I encountered, I put some marks on the snow so that I remember which way to take on my way back. I went through the woods, continuing as far as I can, until the snow starts to sink really bad, then I make my way back. On my way back, I ran into the old man who was walking earlier and he told me to be careful not to get lost, to which I thought "there is just one way, how could I be lost", so we chatted briefly and I carried on. At this point, I had already finished my 2 running gels because I was hungry. The slippery snow and the occasional falls made it fun but also a little tiring, so I decided to trail back and head back to the roads. I passed the last fork before the exit and took the road on which I had put some pin branches. This trail is supposed to take me right out of the woods. I passed by some of the landmarks that I recognized on my way into the forest so I thought I shouldn’t be far from where I came in. Then I started to fall, once, twice, three times, because the snow beneath me was so soft that it couldn't bear my weight. At first it was funny because it didn't hurt, then it became annoying, and then I was wondering why it wasn't sinking on my way there. "was it because the sun is so strong that it started to melt right under my feet?" "did I take a different road? But there is no branching, there's no way I derailed". As I m thinking, I continued to fall, my feet sinking down to my knees every 2 steps. I decided to slow down and started walking. It didn't help, the snow just seemed like a web of trap, taking me down even on the lightest steps. My feet started to get wet and cold. And then suddenly, I sank again, but this time I couldn't get my left foot out of the snow. The snow around my shoe started to melt and solidify at the same time and having nothing else to bear my weight or lean, I could just not get my foot out. I started to dig with my hands (didn't bring any gloves since the weather was so beautiful), but the more I dug, the more snow there was. So with all my strength, I pulled hard and only my foot came out: the shoe stayed stuck in the snow, some 30cm deep. I tried to dig more furiously and forcefully with my hands, my feet, and I could not even see the shoe anymore. At this point, my hands started to freeze and I have my left foot with a wool sock and my right foot with a soaked breath-through summer running shoe. Everything is quiet around me. Birds are chirping, leaves shuffling, the sun was shining down on me, no sights of houses or roads or human trace anywhere. I am sitting on the snow because the mere act of standing makes me sink to my knees. I started to freak out. I didn't know where I was. I was convinced this is the road I took, in fact I did not even ponder the option of going back, I just wanted to go forward. I wanted to get out. Yet I couldn’t move, I couldn't walk. And all around me was just snow and woods. I started to crawl on all fours. It hurt so bad, my knees felt frozen, I couldn’t feel my hands anymore, I started to hyperventilate because my fight or flight response was full power on at this point. Not even 5 meters in, I couldn't do it anymore, my knees hurt too bad, I couldn't feel my hands. So I stood up and I could make 2-3 steps before I sank down to my knees again. So I went back to crawling - I didn’t want to lose my second shoe. All of the thoughts are flowing to me: Is my life going to end this way? I wish the man I ran into was here to help me. I wish someone could see me and help me. I can't reach out to anyone because I didn't have my phone.. I can't even tell my boyfriend.. Can I really die from just going into the woods? But if I cant get on the road, and im stuck here, then yes I could die. I could DIE? WHAT? My parents don't even know, my boyfriend doesn't even know that I am DYING. I am stuck here all alone to DIE. And im running out of energy. I was 12 km into my run. Calm down, calm down, you still have energy. Calm down. But I couldn't calm down, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t let go of the fact that I was dying. I did not want to die. I thought briefly about buddha, I thought about enlightenment, I thought about my meditation practice, but there was so little room for that. I just wanted to make it out alive. I couldn’t calm down. Maybe my mind was exaggerating it all but I really thought I couldn’t make it. I kept crawling, falling, walking, sinking, falling, crawling. I couldn’t feel my hands at all. I saw some houses in the distance but it didn't reassure me because I didn’t know how long in the snow I could crawl before my hands would fall off or I pass out. I started screaming "help! Help! Help!". Only the echo of my own voice.. I kept crawling, my knees were hurting and so numb. Being a quite healthy young adult, I've never felt this close to dying. After crawling some more, maybe a few meters, maybe a few hundreds, I saw a pile of woods in the middle of the snow. I fixed that as my objective, and told myself: if I can get on there, then at least I will be less cold and I can breath a little bit. So I got to the woods. It took a few attempts to get on the woods since as soon as I try to bear weight on the snow, it collapses beneath me. I climb on the woods and im collapsed. I am in shock yet I am calming down. I screamed a few more times "aidez-moi"! But no one seemed to hear me in those houses. Thank god the weather was good. As soon as I was on top of the woods, the sunshine was heating me up. My hands started to hurt as hell as the feelings came back. I was still hyperventilating but my senses started to come back to reality. Its not fight or flight anymore as I realized the houses were not too far away and I could easily crawl to the roads without dying. So crisis averted at this point and I rested a little more before crawling on the snowbanks onto the roads. I ringed the door of one of the houses and the lady at the house helped me call a taxi to get back home. the taxi ride seemed surprisingly unreal. I was so happy and relieved to be on land again, yet I was still living the adrenaline of that event. I told the taxi driver about what has happened and he just laughed about it. The event still seems unreal. I don't know whether I survived a dangerous situation or exaggerated a benign situation. But what I know is it was life threatening for me and I have some battle wounds (over 10 bruises on the legs and a few on the hands and arms). There are 2 big take home lessons from this: 1) The line between safety and danger is very thin, so thin that you've crossed it many times without realizing and when you realize it. It's too late. Life is more fragile than you think. Who would ever think a run in the city can turn out this way? So always prepare for the worst case. Don’t go into the wild woods in a new city alone, without a phone.. Cherish your life, cherish the people around you, cherish every breath you have because you never know when it will be your last. 2) You can contemplate, meditate, read, ponder on death all you want, but it all goes away when it's right in front of you. It's so big, so total, so bold that it takes over you like nothing else. That moment whenI felt seriously threatened, my true nature came out, all my spiritual practices and knowledge thrown aside. My true nature being: I wanted to live. Looking back on the map, I did not derail far, nothing could've really gone wrong, had I kept my composure, stayed calm, it would probably have been a minor accident. So this event showed me how little I know about what death is and how long a way to go to a mindset of a true adventurer. thanks for reading. i always like to share these kinds of personal stories here because you guys always have more interesting stuff to add and the discussion is always great. have a nice day
  9. I just finished reading this little boook. i was wondering if anyone has read it ? the author is a psychoanalyst and a zen Buddhist teacher. In the book, he takes different koans and offers insights from a psychoanalyst point of view on how some of the zen practices is not totally emotionally healthy. anyhow. here is a quote that i found very interesting: The moment we sit down to do zazen, we are useless, what we are doing has no point outside of itself, outside of the moment itself. We just are, we just sit, and in the very act of sitting, we actualize the completeness of the act itself and we actualize our own full completeness as a useless human being, another name for which is buddha. I would like to hear what you guys think of the quote. it's similar to another quote that i really like: Act always as if the fate of universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking anything you do make any difference at all I guess there's something about everything being useless yet completely meaningful that really speaks to me.
  10. @Gabriel Antonio nope to both
  11. @Hellspeed darn that’s dark
  12. @kev014 thank you ! it could be i get annoyed and i have a short temper in real life. so whenever something annoys me, i wanna get rid of it. and in my dreams, there no morality so i just get rid by killing... hahahahha fast and simple
  13. Hi all i am quite perplexed and concerned as to the fact ive dreamt about killing people on a few accounts lately.. twice in the last month.. last night, the whole night (or it feels like) was about killing one person and feeling guilty about it all throughout the dream and i woke up with puffy eyes because i cried in the dreams. im just curious to people who know about psychology or do dream analysis, whether those dreams reflect certain states in the real life. im not looking for superstitious ideas or speculations, but im just wondering if this could be a sign of things or areas i should work on in real life. thanks