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About lostmedstudent

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  1. @Peo yes for sure, but I don’t have balls as we can clearly see 😂😂
  2. @nowimhere @Leo Gura thanks . Really appreciate it. i will meditate and cultivate more sense of love before the next trip! yhank you
  3. Love for what? how to develop love? ...
  4. @Leo Gura yeah that does make sense in a way. But for someone who really didn’t want to skydive, that would create a lot more trauma than someone who WOULD LOVE to skydive. i am just afraid to develop some sort of PTSD or psychosis and end up functioning worse than I am right now in life. It probably sounds ridiculous from your POV, even paradoxical to myself as I write it. But I don’t know how to approach it... or deep down I know but I don’t want to..
  5. @Wes Thoughts thank you so much for sharing this. i had a similar reaction when I watched Leo’s video on his blog two weeks ago : https://www.actualized.org/insights/total-omniscience-awakening it took me 2 days to finish that video because I had to pause on the first day in the middle of it because I felt like I was going insane and I was scared and terrified. Then the second day I managed to finish the video but had similar feelings. Now I don’t even dare watch that video you mentioned because I know I am not ready for to face the truth yet. @Leo Gura I reckon that psychedelics will make the ego death easier but I feel like at this state of mind (fear), I am bound to have a panic attack with it. I have never felt this kind of existential terror before. Would you say in times like this, is it better to step away from spirituality and get back to the basics and hope to find the same curiosity and desire for Truth as we first did when we started on this path? I definitely do not relate for the part : your love for truth must be so great that you wanna die for it. I don’t feel like drive anymore .. thanks
  6. Thank you for sharing!!! i would love for Leo to see this and have his opinion about this txt! @Leo Gura
  7. @ivankiss thank you for the wise words. Appreciate it . one thing for sure is that nothing is permanent, including that state of fear. I am going to start meditating again and take a break from the non duality forums and such. Im glad we got to share this and had your response. It’s awesome! take care
  8. @ivankiss what is the best way to integrate an experience ?
  9. @mandyjw ive stumbled upon some of the people you mentioned but i dont follow their contents. maybe i should. because lately everytime i listen to leos stuff or read some of the posts, it can drive me to a panic . maybe i need some thing more soothing. i have done fear settings (is it the tim ferries thing?) once or twice when dealing with a dilemma. i should confront my fear , i know. but my mind is too distracting these days it does a good job at avoiding manythings. thank you
  10. @ivankiss i dont think i went much down the rabbit hole. the idea of enlightenment was so appealing to me, along with the use of psychedelics as aid. the thought alone was motivating for me to pursue that "state". i used to read breakthrough trip reports on this website and my mind would be filled with love and excitement to experience all of "nothingness", "oneness", the absolute, the god etc for myself. but everything was conceptual, everything was a fantasy because i had no idea what nothingness really meant. i never thought the road can be horrifying. i knew it was hard but i thought the achievement would be love and bliss instead of terror. so i tried mushrooms, and i took too much of it. and i was sent to a place that my body and mind was not ready for. i felt like stuck in thoughts the whole trip. my mind was racing to different places and theres an awareness that was FREAKING OUT. i panicked and panicked and ended up in an ambulance . it was so twisted i hardly got anything out of it. was just so glad it was over. that was back in april. life then went on and i got no lingering effects from that trip whatsoever, until this : https://www.actualized.org/insights/total-omniscience-awakening that video hit me hard. because the mushroom opened my mind and made me experience what reaching enlightenment could feel and how horrifying that could be for my ego. so my body and mind start to panic. it was scary but almost addicting for have that sense of fear. once the fear subsides, i look a bit forward to the next one because i can sense a bigger force behind the fear, i can feel that breaking the fear will open more doors for me, but as the fear runs through me, i am never able to let myself go and lean in to it because i dont want to find out that this is all imagination. yet i do want to find out. maybe this is just another story i tell myself. maybe i have NO IDEA still what it feels like , and i just freak myself out because my ego doesnt want to experience the bad trip again. thank you for your reply! it was very helpful
  11. Thank you for the post.. on any other day this post would have made me feel so peaceful and loving , but today it made me freak out. ever since I watched the video on Leo blog “total omniscience”, I’ve been feeling th come up of a panic attack that subsides. When leo spoke about what reality was, and how we imagined and created everything, it took me right back to that bad mushroom trip and I started to panick. It’s like a part of me deeply refuses to accept that this is imagining. the idea that I IMAGINED everything and nothing exist drives me to existential terror and psychotic breakdown (the verge of). Those were ideas that I used to love to ponder. But maybe th e bad trip made me realize perhaps I don’t want to know the truth . I just feel terror instead of curiosity or love. What do you think it’s happening?why this massive resistance to the Truth. Why this terror like never before? What you spoke of was so beautiful, but I had to even close my eyes half way through, felt my heart beat fast and mind going fuzzzy. I had the summer ahead of me to experiment more psychedelics yet here I am being terrified to find out more. What should I do now? Get on with life , confront this terror? It all started with that mushroom trip. But that terror did not get awaken until I watched Leo’s video on total omniscience. Thank you for your advice. I posted it here because your post has elicited similar feelings in me as did the video.
  12. Awesome! where was this workshop? I am interested in attending something similar!
  13. @Rigel my recent bad trip felt very similar to what you described... i felt i was suck in the racing mind forever,like as if i died and was stuck forever in "purgatory". nothing seemed to exist except me being stuck in it. it was so horrible i think i ended up passing out... totally know what you mean. i wasnt ready for that shroom..
  14. @ajasatya thank you my question was more about where and the different retreats centres like the retreat centres that you’ve been to
  15. Hello, for those of you who have attended ayahuasca ceremonies, is it possible to provide some insights of your experiences and where you did it? there are so many out there and i wanted to hear a bit from people who have gone to them. and if you have any advice for first timers, please drop them as well thanks so much for your help