Leo Gura

What Made You Feel Love As A Child?

136 posts in this topic

As a child, I felt love when I was part of a tribe. Whether it my my family, or my religion (Shi’ite Islam). Hanging out with people in my tribe; my family or religion, made me feel comfortable, safe, affirmed, and loved. My best memories as a child was visiting my Grandparents apartment in Russia and being surrounded by people of the same bloodline and religion  while we, the dozen of us, were crammed in that small apartment surrounding a dinner table, eating from our culturally familiar food and talking about our culturally familiar things.

 

My tribe later evolved as a grew older. My tribe later in high school became the robotics club, it was a club were we programmed robots. I still had my Shia Islam tribe, but now I had a new tribe. I loved this club, my best memory was the time the school ran out of bus passes (the club was after school, so you could take the bus home, but you had to have a pass), so to compensate, the guy who taught us coding gave us a ride home in his personal car. It was so fun. I was diagnosed with depression that year, and I just remember my depressive symptoms evaporating as we were all gossiping and laughing in that car ride. When I got home, I even paused for a moment because I was so aghast at how my depressive symptoms just vanished.

 

 

 

 

 

 

! أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَٰهَ إِلَّا ٱللَّٰهُ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا رَسُولُ ٱللَّٰهِ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ عَلِيًّا وَلِيُّ ٱللَّٰهِ


أشهد أن لا إله إلا الله وأشهد أن ليو رسول الله

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1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

What behaviors of theirs created acceptance within you?

Just like respect from them. 

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one of my earliest memories, I was given a dinosaur-toy as gift when I had mumps as a kid. when I thought about of the significance of that to me I came up with these reasons:

It met my needs of being appreciated, loved and cared for. It made me feel cared for as if I'm an important part of a 'group' - I guess in this case that would be my family-  that listens to me and take care of me and doesn't neglect my needs. This was probably one of my earliest encounter with suffering as a human-being, I probably didn't know how to deal with it and what was happening, I remember being concerned and anxious, I was probably 4.

Receiving that gift, I felt like I wasn't alone, and that I don't need to fear being un-loved or un-cared for. Someone (my mom) knew that I needed 'something' I myself didn't know or imagined I wanted/needed, assumed the role of a care-giver and preformed on it. I really appreciated that toy, it stayed with me for a long time and I held on to it, didn't get bored with it fast like any other toy. It held a special meaning for me. 
I immediately remembered that memory when I looked for the earliest and most direct time that I really felt my mother and father's love, actually I'm sure my parents where taking care of me at that point, but giving me that gift was like the perfect icing on the cake.

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(I wish I had more to say in the feeling loved section, and not turn this into some sort of “list of grievances”, but nevertheless this was how I experienced growing up in my family)

----

Things that made me feel loved...

- Being given healthy food generally, my basic survival was taken care of

- Being worried about when I got injured

- Rare instances of recognition of my character that they liked, moments where I felt seen

- My parents decision to move abroad because they hoped our lives would improve (this later I realized gave me the opportunity for liberation from them and the culture they had come from and to discover spirituality).

-----

Things that made me feel unloved...


- Most of everything felt conditional, whatever my mom did was to get emotional support, be her submissive punch bag, and to get things/attention from me, if I failed this criteria hostility ensues

- Constant fighting (and temporary separations) between my parents that turn violent, made me feel like the stress, worry, and sadness it kept causing in me were invisible to them, I became more and more hopeless about living with them which only ceased few years after I moved out.

- Forced to lie about how things really were in my family to others, speech suppression, pretend normal, I felt like an actor that didn’t know I was acting

- Not being heard

- Used everything I’ve got emotionally to "mediate" my parents relationship time after time to no avail and dismissed each time, my efforts felt wasted

- No one cared about who I am, what I liked, how I wanted to live. It was never about me but always about them and their problems

- No one cared about my feelings, negative feelings were met with hostility, I cried alone often in silence to avoid conflict

- Being beaten as a little kid to submission a few times and I learned quickly that it was not safe to be myself or have desires that “inconvenienced” my mom

- Blamed and treated like a burden whenever I got sick, especially when money is involved like dental work

- Monitored and controlled with everything I do, then judged and harassed for what I do or not do in a way my mom liked me to

- No privacy, my mom felt entitled to barge into my room whenever she felt like, if I tried to enforce privacy she starts a fight with me


- Cannot ever please the parents, criticized and picked apart for little things that irritate mom, despite being generally loved by my teachers and always been a top student

- Not allowed to have fun, like playing video games with friends (I did anyway under stress/whatever limited amounts), watch too much anime, etc.

- My moments of pride were met with hostility if it felt threatening to them (like when I first built my PC, my dad threatened to break it because I played some games on it).

- My dreams, goals and purpose in life did not matter

- My appearance was picked apart often and needing to be fixed, this made me insecure for the longest time and depressed about dating

- Yelled at and called names frequently for not agreeing to every demand from mom and this became more and more of a problem as I got older

- Shamed for any sign of my sexuality starting to express, restricted in my social interactions, made me depressed about being a sexual being and suppressing myself by continuing to wear childish clothes around them

- My parents ganging up on me whenever there's a conflict (like with my mom), no one sided with me, I felt that I had no allies or someone I can trust/count on

- Sexual gazes from my dad which were unwelcomed but I could not get away from, this made me feel disrespected and violated

(To anyone reading, I am mostly healed now and feel liberated, recounting these things still gives me a visceral feeling but I no longer identify with my past as much as I used to or let it get to me ;) )

Edited by puporing

I am Lord of Heaven, Second Coming of Jesus Christ. ❣ Warning: nobody here has reached the true God.

         ┊ ┊⋆ ┊ . ♪ 星空のディスタンス ♫┆彡 what are you dreaming today?

                           天国が来る | 私は道であり、真実であり、命であり。

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@Leo Gura 

I got measles and was home for weeks, the whole town knew about it and it was in the papers. the school I went to was even closed down for a few weeks too. Then when I got to school the other kids didn't want to come near me because they knew I had been the one who was sick.

Then my best friend who was also the most popular kid, took his hand and rubbed it in my hair then took the same hand and rubbed it in his hair in front of everyone to show them that I wasn't dangerous to be around, then everyone stopped avoiding me. this was when I was about 7.

This made me feel loved for obvious reasons, I can't think of any real unique reason why this would. Maybe cause I wasn't sure how much he liked me beforehand so him doing that seemed to be conformation.

Also being fast and having other kids admire me for being good at sports Madde me feels loved, because I felt better than them maybe idk.

My mom used to put a lot of time and effort into my birthday parties, whenever other kids would come over they were surprised at how fun they were and I noticed that she did all of that for me so that made me feel loved because I felt like I was the centre of her world.

Something that made me feel unloved was when my dad told me that if I were to become a pornstar he wouldn't want me living with him, this made me feel like his love was very conditional. 

 

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1 hour ago, Roy said:

I can't remember if it was because I provoked him or something else, but I remember my sister came to defend me from him even though I didn't really get along with her and was probably making her job harder than it had to be.

there was this one old kid who used to bother me in the neighborhood, so my two cousins who where his age carried me up and had me do liu kang-bicycle kick from mortal combat on him as a joke xD

I was probably a brat and a caused them a headache, but they had my back and wouldn't let anyone else mess with me.

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I grew up with a single mother, and one thing I remember is that she always provided for me and gave me everything I needed, and I was never wanting for anything. Even beyond basic necessities, she would buy me toys and other things I wanted all the time, and when I look back I am really grateful for all of that considering that she raised me alone and she didn't always have much money.

I was grateful for those things, but I wouldn't say they contributed much to the love I felt as a child. I think all of the love I felt came from some sort of emotional connection. When I think about times that I felt love as a child, I think of quality time I spent with my mum and family, but specifically times where I just really enjoyed it and felt really close with them, times where we were happy or laughing and I felt really connected to them and really loved.

Other things I can remember that made me feel loved where times where I would get hurt or upset, and I would be crying, and my mum would be there for me and comfort me. That would always make me feel really loved and safe.

Of course that didn't always happen, hence my trauma and emotional issues lol, so I think seeing how much it destroys you inside as a child to not get the love you need when you are facing some sort of distress, that's what really makes you feel the least loved as a child, and so I would say that the inverse of that is also true - your parents loving and embracing every part of who you are, and always being there for you when you are hurt, showing you that its completely okay to feel the way you're feeling, that feels like the most loving thing. The love you feel is never really about anything external, it's about your parent's love and embrace of you for who you are.

To the degree that my mum/family did do these things, that's what made me feel the most loved. Emotional support and recognition/approval of certain qualities I had.


"We are born of Love, Love is our mother" - Rumi

My YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9vkQMt-MlvK9Xvnf-Ji

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@puporing finally, a normal family. I was getting envious reading all those heart-warming stories from others

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1 minute ago, T_i_m said:

@puporing finally, a normal family. I was getting envious reading all those heart-warming stories from others

Yes perhaps, but not something to aspire to I hope 9_9.


I am Lord of Heaven, Second Coming of Jesus Christ. ❣ Warning: nobody here has reached the true God.

         ┊ ┊⋆ ┊ . ♪ 星空のディスタンス ♫┆彡 what are you dreaming today?

                           天国が来る | 私は道であり、真実であり、命であり。

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I don't think I'd ever felt that kind of love during childhood. Always felt used and manipulated by love/fear rather than being loved for who I was, even though I didn't know exactly how at the time. I always felt wrong growing up, like there's something inherently wrong with me. I don't think many people grew up differently, though I think they might still be under the illusion that they did. I think having good intuition is what separates me from the rest who think they've actually been loved. But I don't know.


Foolish until proven other-wise ;)

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All my parents could do for me is provide for me materially. I was a quiet inquisitive kid, that did not fit in. When they allowed me to purchase a video game, a toy or some fast food, it felt as close to love as they could provide because, I knew I would be enjoying myself as a result. It never seemed like they had the wisdom to provide me with anything deeper than that.

In all honesty, @Leo Gura was a better father figure than my own father. It wasn't until listening to your audio (and that of the more popular sage types) that allowed me a type of mind autonomy and insight that I never found from any of my family, friends, nor teachers. A very real sense of mutual understanding. A type of understanding that was telling me "You are not crazy, and here's why". That is when I really could get down with the concept of love, as something more than just my lower self.

 

Edited by Rokazulu

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For me as a child (as young as 4 or 5), love was always felt in being accepted and praised by my peers. I was always rejected and ignored by my family. So, when school started i was immediately into pleasing everyone and getting their acceptance. Problem was that i always had trouble fitting in so i had to find other ways to get approval. this happened by acting stupid and doing wild things that other kids would never have done. this always got everyone looking at me and smiling and accepting me and laughing with me which was the first acceptance and love I ever knew. Because it continued to be the way I knew how to get love, things got out of hand very quickly (go figure). I was getting suspended, and police had threatened to arrest me all by 3rd grade(8 and 9 years old). When my friends saw that the police took me into the principles office i received a ton of attention and "wow!" looks. i actually almost felt like they were proud of me, which was another first for me so it actually outwieghed my huge fear of being arrested so young. I ate this feeling up and continued getting into trouble and doing tings to shock people even into adulthood.

It wasn't until recently that i had realized the unconscious reasons I had doing all of the things that got me in legal trouble and made life actually much worse was because I had been conditioned by the events of life to think that that was how i would receive love. Once i became a teenager and adult and people no longer gave me that attention and feeling of praise just for being silly and wild i had to up the craziness which inevitably led to my downfall. This became very clear to me all at once one day after going through your "uncovering childhood vows" episode, thanks for helping me figure this out @Leo Gura.

Its amazing. SO much suffering and jail time and much more as a child, teen and adult and I understand now why I made these choices. Being an idiot was how I taught myself to feel loved since a child. I just wanted to feel loved, crazy really.

Being shamed, embarrassed, Scolded, looked down on or treated like a burden are the things that made me feel worthless/UNloved.

As for under the age of 5 I don't really know. working on that

Edited by Adodd

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What made me feel really loved was when my parents took care of me while I was sick. I wasn't always nice to my parents. Sometimes I would disagree with them or get angry with them. The fact that they would be there to care for me while I was sick in bed and could barely move meant a lot to me, cause it shows that they still care for me when I'm vulnerable, despite what disagreements we had before. It makes me wish that I wasn't so harsh with them before. 

I also felt loved when I would get lunches for school. It might be a small thing, but they did have to wake up early and plan an entire meal for me, and that takes work, so I really appreciated that. I think it is a pretty selfless thing to do, making an entire lunch just for one person. Seeing the care and attention in the food felt very cute and loving to me. I think my parents were also struggling with a lot of things during that time, so seeing them make lunches and stuff in spite of that felt very loving.

And also, just food in general. Coming back home and having all these elaborate dishes prepared, no effort from me, but my parents would be spending all that time in the kitchen making it. It's like, here is all this food, you don't have to do anything, just enjoy it. That felt very loving.

Edited by Osaid

Describe a thought.

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My love of my father. Out of all the people in my life, his love and affection has shaped me the most as a person. He and my mum split up when I was very young but he always went out of his way to be apart of mine and my sisters' lives without fail. I remember just about every weekend of my childhood we stayed at his and my step-mums and every Sunday before we went back home, he used to take us to see our late grandmother. My mother was and still is an emotionally unstable woman, so every time he picked us up it was a pleasant escape. He's the embodiment a family man, devoted father and grandfather, and to this day he's still a prominent figure in our life's.

Some of my favourite childhood memories are specifically with him. Whether it us going to London for the day, going on a roller coaster together or playing local multiple player on Halo: CE when it was new... God, I feel really old, but regardless my most cherished memories include him somehow or another. 

And of course, there was a time when I genuinely believed he was the smartest guy in the entire world. What little kid wouldn't think that of their dad, I can assure when I found out that wasn't the case my disappointment was immeasurable but I think I got over it rather quickly, ahah.

His own father was a really abusive piece of crap who left him and the rest of the family at an early age to back to his native country. From what I was told, he used to violently beat my aunts and uncles regularly and one time he poured boiling hot water on my grandmother's back when she didn't cook him a dinner properly. Luckily my dad was spared from his violence but he can vividly remember a time when seen my granddad beat one of my uncle's so viciously that to quote him directly, he seen the Devil in his eyes.

I think because of his traumatic childhood (he also grew up dirt poor and there were times he went to bed hungry) and the fact his own dad was never there after that made him make sure he wouldn't do the same with his own children, and he's done a fantastic job.

I can't fathom how important he is how is to my life. I'd say half of my development as a person came directly from his continuing presence and devotion as a father, without him I don't I would be nearly as well adjusted and emotionally stable as I am now.

Edited by BeHereNow

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I honestly can’t seem to answer that, even though I had extremely loving parents.

My engineer dad used to draw me a diagram of whatever contraption that I was interested in when I was around 2-4 years old. Boat motors, etc. Explaining the stuff to me in detail just to the degree he thought and observed that I understood (I’ve been told things that lead to to believe my parents and their friends thought I was an exceptionally gifted child). Tons of other things but interestingly that actually sticks out the most. But it’s more the context this took place in. Just a air of something like non-resistance + open-mindedness.

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Oh well, Leo.

That's a great task to start my day.lol

So... I dont remember much from my childhood but

Most of the memos are with my mother. She used to take care of us and was a hard working woman as well. Still is. Used to take care of us all the time and didn't have time for herself. Always in the run. I was looking forward for her to return home as I was a child, I was waiting to hear the keys ringing.  Taking care of us, helping us with homework everyday, going to the cinema or theatre together. Always by our side when sick. A loving memory is when she was saying goodnight and covering us with the blanket. I sometimes still want that. Or maybe a bar of chocolate after homework, I remember her saying only one because it's not for everyday. She supports healthy eating very much herself, rarely eats junk maybe once per year. 

My father was always emotionally and generally absent and still is.One loving memory is when it was Christmas he was recording us singing and mocking us at the same time. Another one, is that he still remembers our baby words and sometimes till now he's making fun of us. Lol that's probably it for him. 

My loving grandpa was the best thing that happened to me. He taught us how to be fair, polite and moral. He was the best person. He died at the age of 84. I wish he could live more. 

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Loved: When my mother would empathize with me really well if I got hurt or stung by a bee or something like that.

Unloved: When my parents were just absent and not involved in my life. Basically not being there giving advise, support and guidance.


“Everything is honoured, but nothing matters.” — Eckhart Tolle.

"I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside." -- Rumi

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@Leo Gura I valued attention and recognition from my parents. I wanted them to be happy with me.


"Not believing your own thoughts, you’re free from the primal desire: the thought that reality should be different than it is. You realise the wordless, the unthinkable. You understand that any mystery is only what you yourself have created. In fact, there’s no mystery. Everything is as clear as day. It’s simple, because there really isn’t anything. There’s only the story appearing now. And not even that.” — Byron Katie

 

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8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

I am in the midst of developing a deeper theory of love. As such I would like for you to brainstorm a list of things from your childhood that made you feel loved by your mother, father, and/or siblings. The earlier from your childhood the better. You can also make a list of things that made you feel unloved. But separate these two lists.

Don't make shit up, actually introspect into your past. Think deep about what actually made you feel loved. So, for example, if getting a birthday gift made you feel loved, contemplate why and list that. For example, you felt loved because the gift satisfied some deep need/desire of yours.

As a kid (up to the age of 5) I was in complete ecstasy with life. My father moved abroad when I was 2, and I think that's when it started.
I grew up with my mother and my mother's parents, and their side of the family. I was the first grandchild (out of my grandparents other 6 children) and of course when I came in to the picture. I was absolutely smothered with love. Literally everyone wanted to see me, hug me, or be around me. I also had 2 aunts close to my age. And I became really close with them.
We would always play hide and seek, build fortresses out of my grandparents furniture when they were not home, or were busy doing other stuff.
I had such a huge passion for life, I was in so much love, I couldn't stand still, and I was always jumping around and just running around hugging everyone and spreading love. I was almost never hungry, I was just filled with Love and Joy for existence.

Anyhow, when we moved abroad to my dad. I lost all of that love presence. And felt separated from that love. My dad wasn't really loving me in that way, and his side of the family was the complete opposite. Of course I wouldn't know this as a kid, so I underwent the "lost/loss" stage and started to doubt myself and feel like something was wrong with me. And then the hunger and desires came.
For 25 years I lost that sense of joy, out of life and for reality. Until I found Actualized.org and started to question my separation from love/joy/life.

Not until last week when I woke up to extreme levels of Love, on a DMT trip. I got in touch with that spark of ecstasy I felt as a child.
But after a week of integration; It just dawned on me as I saw this thread, and started to write these words down: That Love wasn't something outside of me. Never were... Love was the very fabric of my Existence. Its just that, as a kid, I just was that Love, without knowing anything about it. Playful/Cheerful and Unconditional Love, without a sense of a "me" being it. I had to be separated from "myself", In order to Understand my Love deeper. Only to find it within me again. And that's when the journey starts, to move "myself" back to that singularity of Love. And to bring everything I separated from "myself" with me.

The very essence of our Being Is Love. Always have, and Always Will Be. And in this a sense of an "I" arises to Feel it, Know it, Accept It, Give It, Share It, Lose It, and to Find It...

Edited by Vincent S

“Life is just a break from an Infinite Orgasm. Prolong your break for as long as you want. Ride that wave. But don’t forget where you're headed.”

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For Being loved:

1) I was highly fond of magnets and science. My friends at school used to bring magnets to class and play with them. I couldn't play as much as I wanted to so that pissed me off. I wanted more magnets. I needed to make more magnets and show it off to my friends. My friends were not nerds neither I had internet or anyone else to ask "how to make magnets?". I was desperate. And I didn't have a single clue as to how.

So I began searching through and old stack of books to search for any information on magnets. I could not find any information. I still pushed ahead with no end in sight. I had to take the books, which were mostly on science and search through them. It was a roller coaster of emotions. Not only do I need information, I also want to know how to make them.  My search continued with the only thing fueling my search was my love for magnets and science.I was looking for such a specific thing in mind so there was not much hope that I will actually find it.  And then finally I got one textbook which had a section on electro-magnetism. Suddenly my hopes went high, but not too high. I closely studied every page and I turned them, and alas I found it.

Finding it was nothing, now the hard part on actually making it. It was basically to take a nail, tie it with copper wire and connect either end of the wire to the battery, and the nail will behave like a magnet due to electro-magnetism. And then,  I accidentally touched the wire and guess what? The wire became burning hot. The love and burst of emotions I have experienced at the time is insanely overwhelming. I finally got the felling that I am going somewhere with this. I have made progress on my own from scratch starting from basically nothing. I felt like a scientist myself. Feeling the heat from the wire also gave me the feeling that I found something else on my way to making magnets. It was like an unexpected bonus. I did not know about anything since there was no google to search things on. Every single step in the journey I had to think, take risk despite having practically no hope and noone else to help me around, and I unraveled mysteries of the universe. It was a simple experience in retrospect, but it was huge experiencing the milestones in real time.

2) I feel great sense of love when I am in a team and I single-handedly make the team win by my own efforts. I feel like I haven't contributed enough if I don't. There has been few occasions where I single-handedly answered multiple questions to gather all the points and win the game for my team. Also I have the same feeling of love when  I score all the points in games and matches to crush others. Now this looks more like some insecurity but back then I felt like I am part of something greater.

For not being loved:

1) This the earliest and clearest memory that I have. There was a family function happening at my house and I was still a baby. The moment I woke up my mother was holding me. I felt peace and loved. I was holding my little hands on her shoulder and telling to myself that this is my mother. I love my mother. I love my mother so much. She was holding me in a way such that my chest was on her chest and I was hugging on to her neck. I couldn't see her face. I was enjoying the moment and then out of nowhere my actual mother appears.

I felt so betrayed that I cried out loud. Actually it was my cousin sister was holding me. I was thinking it was my mother the whole time. I feel betrayed by both my mother and my cousin. I want to take revenge on her. I was so internally disturbed by this. For this reason, I would never make babies cry no matter what when they are with me. I don't like adults that make babies cry for fun. The baby might be feeling something else.

 

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