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About BeHereNow

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  • Birthday 01/01/1997

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  1. 02/07/22 Went another run early this morning. It was hard work, I was drenched in my own sweat and my legs killed when I was done but it felt good paradoxically, knowing I did it for a second time. Perhaps listening to Vaush commentating on that January 6th commission thingy took my mind of most of the effort. When I went out for shopping, some jesus freaks with microphones were preaching about how the government is putting something in vaccines to control us, saying they knew the Truth, blah blah blah, Jesus will save us all. Yeah right. They were sharing the "good news" right outside Greggs and when I went in, I asked the lady working there how she could cope with all that nose and commotion all day. She just laughed it off, I guess she had more patience than I would have. The one thing that gives me hope about the UK compared to the US is that we don't really do God in the traditional sense (like going to church or pretending to be Christian at all) and preachers in general are just seen as weird and annoying. If the government starts shoving the Bible down our throats, I don't think it'd fly at all. I also had to endure phonecall after phonecall of relatives going into boring diatribes about drama or sports. I don't know how many times I can say "mhmm" or "wow that's crazy" before they figure out I don't give a shit. Eh, if it makes them happy chatting waffle to me for 20 minutes, who am I to judge? Really feeling the absence of video games since either destroying or donating them. I feel like I'm just twiddling my thumbs, struggling to find something to do. It's gonna take a while before I can adjust without them. Just an hour ago I almost fell to temptation and I nearly ordered a draw of weed. Thankfully no one was around to sell anything but my mind drifted towards cigarettes and alcohol. Nearly fell in their traps too but I thought, why waste the effort of running this early in for poison? What was the point of doing in the first place? I just looked at the cash in my hand and realized, when you start trying to live more consciously and spend wisely, money honestly becomes worthless most of the time. I took a sigh of acquiesce and soldiered on home. Honestly, a mixed bag of a day.
  2. @Leo GuraI'm glad you can finally see it Leo, the way he spoke about Elliott Page in particular was absolutely disgusting.
  3. 01/07/22 Tried selling my Xbox series S to pawn shops and CeX but no one would take it for a decent price, so I donated it to a charity store. It probably isn't everyday the old man volunteer sees a youngster willingly give their games console to a cancer research, to be fair it isn't everyday I see an old man working anywhere. I think he was from the ww2 generation or something, he looked really old. Any who, I'm glad to be rid of such time and money wasting machines. I also bought a pair of running shoes today. I made good use of them, I ran about 2-3 miles I think. I charged up a hill and down another. I didn't push myself too hard, I gave myself a bunch of walking breaks but if I seen a lamppost in the distance that was my goal to run towards it. It was a very rewarding experience, a lot of energy and a lot aches and pain, but it was worth it. I bumped into my grandparents on the way, they were on the way home from the pub. I was too out of breath to really remember what was said but I said "it's not about losing weight, it's about keeping fit" and my grandfather said something on the lines of "the truth shall set you free". He's always been a very quotey man like that, but what was more surprising was my grandmother saying I love you when we departed, she's always been quite distant and detached. She must have been quite happy to me see getting off my ass and not smoking weed for once I guess. Just at my sisters at the moment taking a breather, got my baby niece crawling all over me bless her. After that gonna run my ass home and retire for the night. So far, it's been a good day.
  4. @Raptorsin7 well if it's real then there's a lot of people in the closet. I mean think about this way, why do you think trans ppl can come from any race or culture, through out all of history mind you, but trans racialism doesn't seem to be a real thing at any time? And if it was a real thing, yeah sure why not, they're not hurting anyone. Live let live.
  5. @Raptorsin7 because no one seriously has racial dysphoria nor is it a real thing
  6. Wow, not only did you prove my point but I find sentence to be very condescending too. Don't take that as me accusing you as being transphobic or anything but it just comes as ignorant and myopic if I'm being honest. Gender Dysphoria isn't some tumblr wumblr nonsense, it's an actual diagnosable condition that I have and the treatment can have positive consequences for people. There was a time last year I felt so hopeless about my transition that I attempted to go back for a while, but that was one of the worst mistakes of my life. I felt gross, anxious and very suicidal. Presenting as a male, performing in that role and just people having masculine expectations of you, when you feel down to your soul that you're a woman, it feels damn right degrading and humiliating. Yeah, I bought it on to myself when I attempted to detrans so I have no one else to blame but still, why would you expect others to go through that just to say, "they're in alignment"? Hopefully this will show you another point of view. Cheers
  7. @Michael569 eh and you live and learn I guess ahaha
  8. Why are you so obtuse? Do the existence of trans and gender non-conforming people take you out of alignment? Seriously, like from direct experience you can't just wish the gender dysphoria away like that.
  9. @RendHeaven thank you my friend, I know that for sure. I'm still having withdrawals from not smoking any tobacco or weed; plus not eating junk food or drinking poison, I've quit everything at once last week to persue a healthier lifestyle. It was that bad last night I cried myself to sleep. But sleeping on it and waking up with a clearer head, I have no regrets over the ps4. Perhaps in hindsight, I should have just sold it or gifted it away but screw it, what's done is done. I still feel the relief lifted of my shoulders.
  10. The amount of time and money I wasted on that fucking machine, on games I knew I deep down I didn't enjoy sitting through and just the weight of the thing on my shoulders that was slowing me down, both figuratively and literally. As soon as I lunged that thing onto to concrete over and over again, I felt like some part of me was set free. I've never in my life have I felt a good as I do now, knowing I can be free from material shit and crap that just collects dust. Just. Like. That. Within a blink of an eye. The amount of corporate propaganda brainwashing me into thinking I needed it, I can see it for what it all is, just unconsciousness invading consciousness. Yes, it was definitely done out of pent up anger and frustration and not to make some profound statement. I live in the UK, it's not a very friendly place for transgender people, people are just really rude in general and I'm exactly the most mentally stable of people if I'm being truthful. But fuck it, it's out of me now and I honest to God feel good. Maybe minimalism isn't such a bad idea after all. I'd like to own a home where it'd be impossible for burglars to steal from. The capitalist propaganda machine shoves this idea we need possessions and nifty gadgets because of well edited adverts and emotional manipulation. I say, you don't really need much at all to be happy. My records, CDs, dvds, other games consoles and other useless stuff that wastes time won't meet the same fate as my Ps4, I will donate to a charity store for some other foolish sod that believes they need it. I'll find other things to do with my time. Gosh, the money I'll save from just nothing. It's almost too good to think about.
  11. I didn't realize how much this post blew up, I took a break from this forum. I'm glad I've got people talking I guess
  12. I know the post will ruffle some feathers on this forum, I've seen some closed minded comments regarding trans women in sports and trans kids in other posts but screw it, I or anyone else shouldn't be apologetic about their right to exist. We certainly shouldn't bend down to conservatives because of their twisted abrahamic worldview and how much they dominate every space of the internet and media in general. Transgenderism scares authoritarians because if someone can decide for themselves who they are on a fundamental level such as gender or sex, they can't be intellectually controlled or exploited whether cis or transgender. In a sense they are completely free to think for themselves. That's why christian conservatives in particular are terrified of us because they subconsciously fear their children thinking for themselves when they grow up and realizing how BS their parents worldview really is, and trans rights is the biggest threat to that ideology or any status quo really. It's why you've seen this massive, almost industrialized push by conservatives politicians, the media and certain grifters to denounce trans rights in any way imaginable. If people can convince you can't decide your own gender identity, then they can convince you can't do other things. Take trans women in sports or in women's bathrooms. Conservatives love this talking point because if they can normalize banning trans women from public spaces or events, what's stopping them from normalizing discussions from banning black people from using the same things as white people? It don't think it's hypobolic to say that, we've all seen how racist some rightwingers are. And I believe that's why they love the women's sport issue, they don't give a shit about about fairness but they can convince a bunch of people that it is about that, it'd be easier for them to start talking about how black women have an unfair advantage over white women. I mean just take a look at the Supreme Court ruling on abortion this week, some GOP politicians have suggested bringing back race segregation and banning same sex because this type of Fascism is being normalized. I believe when someone say Trans women are women, it's not just a message of solidarity and support but also a way of saying you cannot manipulate and divide people at the funder mental level.
  13. My love of my father. Out of all the people in my life, his love and affection has shaped me the most as a person. He and my mum split up when I was very young but he always went out of his way to be apart of mine and my sisters' lives without fail. I remember just about every weekend of my childhood we stayed at his and my step-mums and every Sunday before we went back home, he used to take us to see our late grandmother. My mother was and still is an emotionally unstable woman, so every time he picked us up it was a pleasant escape. He's the embodiment a family man, devoted father and grandfather, and to this day he's still a prominent figure in our life's. Some of my favourite childhood memories are specifically with him. Whether it us going to London for the day, going on a roller coaster together or playing local multiple player on Halo: CE when it was new... God, I feel really old, but regardless my most cherished memories include him somehow or another. And of course, there was a time when I genuinely believed he was the smartest guy in the entire world. What little kid wouldn't think that of their dad, I can assure when I found out that wasn't the case my disappointment was immeasurable but I think I got over it rather quickly, ahah. His own father was a really abusive piece of crap who left him and the rest of the family at an early age to back to his native country. From what I was told, he used to violently beat my aunts and uncles regularly and one time he poured boiling hot water on my grandmother's back when she didn't cook him a dinner properly. Luckily my dad was spared from his violence but he can vividly remember a time when seen my granddad beat one of my uncle's so viciously that to quote him directly, he seen the Devil in his eyes. I think because of his traumatic childhood (he also grew up dirt poor and there were times he went to bed hungry) and the fact his own dad was never there after that made him make sure he wouldn't do the same with his own children, and he's done a fantastic job. I can't fathom how important he is how is to my life. I'd say half of my development as a person came directly from his continuing presence and devotion as a father, without him I don't I would be nearly as well adjusted and emotionally stable as I am now.
  14. Eh, it is what it is. Our bodies barely belong to us when we're alive, we're home to a countless number of bacteria and microscopic bugs that are there whether we like it or not. Cancer and infections don't need consent to spread, they roam freely without giving a damn about the concern of the sick person. I mean it's not just the body either, you really don't have any control over people's perception of yourself, not just in character but whether people will identify you as something you don't see yourself as, by accident or deliberately. So getting caught up being turned into dust or eaten by creepy crawlies after you die is a pointless endeavour when you barely have any control now. Also, the mind can whip up the most horrifying and lovecraftian depictions of death and the process of dying because there's no limit to its delusion. It can even turn something as peaceful sounding as Eternal Oblivion into a Godless nightmare. So being a dead rotting corpse might not sound as bad you would think.
  15. Consciousness can imagine absolutely anything and everything, even the limitations it places upon itself and the special effects in movies. You have little idea how deep this rabbit hole goes.