Search the Community

@ZGROPIUS @Preety_India The thing about suicide is that it starts as a thought .with meditation and mindfulness we can observe the thoughts and be detached from it . You don’t need to act on your thoughts right now. The option of taking your own life isn’t going to go away. You can make this decision tomorrow, next week or next month if you still want to. Try to focus on just getting through today and not the rest of your life. You may have had these thoughts before, but you feel less able to cope today. You might find that you are more able to cope in a few days.

@Someone here What are you talking about. I pointed out the fact that we have a choice relatively speaking. and it's NOT GOOD to force one who has a suicide tendency to live and tell them they have no choice, most of all it's not true. Because the truth is reality is free to do anything including suicide. - _ - Why you're saying "Death is no joke" ? You understand the truth of death? I understand nothing about death really except different versions of concepts of it. Whether you know it or not it shouldn't be scary either.

Sat 23/04/2022 21:22 Had some night terrors last night, but after waking up I was overwhelmed by certain things but then also felt a sense of more memory, agency and control. I'm fairly at peace now if I just decide to exit, so hopefully factors will line up to that. I'm getting new glasses after they've been broke for months. I was using tape on the disconnected hinge on one arm, but the glasses were droopy and imbalanced pressure on one side . Is it cowardice, yeah, but I don't think anyone in my position would find fault. Before I was all crying and shit, infinitely sad and infinitely apologetic imagining suicide, but with lucidity I realise it really isn't that big a deal. And that's not because I believe in the existence of a soul or my continued existence. I'm lying when I say it's no big deal, but that's okay ---- But to describe my overall condition. If I was to unplug from the internet and technology abruptly, cold turkey, I feel like I would just be plunged into an unfathomably large amount of agony that I couldn't even begin to imagine or process With no promise it can result in anything I.e. the way of a buddhist which would look like the path to salvation looks unimaginably painful beyond anything I could have imagined, some sort of pain resulting from being in the world of non-existence The realm of Hungry Ghosts/Hollows (buddhist literature) is where I reside. [despite indulging in very little hedonism and 0 sexual sensuality relative to the vast majority of people, an extremely cruel fate really] Physiologically speaking, I used to quite literally feel this emptiness as literally feeling as though my chest was hollow and caved out. It was very tingly and weird. Like one of the sensations you might get after ejaculation. Existing in some unreality is some more precise description of where I am, so fusion of "hell realm" and "hungry ghost realm". -- After a stressful day today though of driving and hearing arguments, I'm snapped. Greed is not funny. Human vanity is not funny. Any sort of greed or vanity instantly disgusts me at this point, a revolting and ugly hollowness. In some way I ended up internalising that ugliness, and it gets me irritated all the more. This level of irritation I can feel so easily (especially from my mum) nowadays feels like someone stuck a massive rod up my ass and is just keeping it there, like I'm being raped. What should ones response be to being raped? How is one supposed to process or digest that feeling? The rod is fucking there, just sitting there. It sounds dramatic I know but that's the connundrum I'm in. When I get psychological therapy, if it happens; "What's the texture of the rape, what's the shape and weight of the dick penetrating you? Let's delve into it sir", "IDK BUT IT'S FUCKING RAPE", "I will need you to calm down sir, we are here to help", "RAPE RAPE RAPE" If I go on mood stabilisers or something or change antidepressants else to help, which I probably will do, my misery and hollowness won't change. The reason I would commit suicide, to my family or friends potentially reading this in the future, is not because of this irritation (those in the moment state can calm a bit). But it would be because of the general loss of my agency, already being dead (I am not speaking euphemistically, I am speaking literally), and having my memory wiped, etc. I'll explain it chronologically and plainly in my handwritten letters or last document if I do do it. I was quite literally having nightmares last night where I was in a formless terror and hell, and the premise of the dream was me trying to regain my consciousness or vision in that hell. My thoughts or knowledge sometimes manifest as meta-principles/laws of the dream space now. The knowledge that I was having a night terror, became the very premise/concept of the dream, and within my dream I would dream of waking up from the night terror. But I'm still in my dream, so it's a dream within a dream. In this hungry-ghost hell, I think I know what choice I don't mind taking. This just ain't worth it. -- The evils of this world are trash. In this lesser of evils world, You can't die. The evil is too stupid to be able to properly kill you, leaving you tortured. You can't defend anything. The world's stupidity is so evil it doesn't bother attacking what's good. Valor cannot be earnt. You can't look away. It's a monstrous trainwreck of unfathomably ugly proportions, a void within a void. -- It's late as fuck now and I should sleep soon. This hungry ghost might not dream of something so terrible tonight, but this pseudo sociopathy, this ugliness of the world that I've internalised, its gonna be the end of me and what makes me quit. Ugliness internalised that others did not, so that I could find the truth in the garbage rules they play by. If I was fine living in a world of lies I could have got by, or if I bowed to something higher and avoided this trash to begin with. All there is here is garbage, a loser world of loser rules, and parasites. There is not a crumb of love being shared with me here. My level of sexual frustration reached far past the ceiling of what I thought was possible, whilst also feeling raped at the same time. Someone else can bother to figure that calculus out if they want to, I've had enough personally.

Look beyond thoughts of suicide The hopelessness you feel as you consider suicide may be the side effect of a difficult situation or an illness that can be treated. This emotion can be so overpowering that it clouds your judgment and leads you to believe that taking your own life is the best, or only, option. Recognize that these feelings are temporary and that with appropriate treatment you can learn how to help yourself feel better about life again. Asking others for support can help you see that you have other options and give you hope about the future. Create a list of the reasons you have to live. This list can include being alive for your pet, your children, a favorite niece, or something that you enjoy doing at work or at home. It doesn't matter what the list includes, but finding a sense of purpose in your life can make a difference. Also..understand this ..you are gambling when you consider suicide..you don't know what happens after death..maybe you will live a worse life after you kill yourself. I mean who the fuck knows what happen when you die . At least you know this world and you can ground yourself in the Here and now .while in suicide you are risking going to a hell realm. You have no other options . .to be..or to be

I see you're depressed about gaining weight. Tell uncle @thisintegrated your troubles? There are much easier way to commit suicide, but I shouldn't tell you them I guess?‍♂️ Want me to come over? I think you're local. I'll give you a counselling session?

?? * gets banned just before suicide * truly lmfao

I don't think you're even grounded enough for the current teachings, just from reading this and your previous posts. Your ego conflates and projects things a lot. I had 0 thoughts about suicide after reading this post, so I would question where that is coming from. I have no idea about the course though, it might account for beginners coming in, but Leo's teaching style has always been very brash and unsuited for beginners, so I doubt it. Might be wrong though, I haven't looked into what Leo said about the course.

I don't think your concerns are childish. It's childish because you have probably outgrown your needs. Some people haven't, they probably need a hug? I feel like you have made a sarcastic post intended to demonize people who crave connection with strangers, you're just trying to inspire ridicule But hey, there are people out there who commit suicide because they are called fat. Maybe for you it's childish, not for them.

@Ulax Bigger emphases on mental health = status for being mentally ill and hard done by = more people wanting to be mental ill = Munchhausen syndrome + actual mental illness created = Higher reported rates of mental health issues because more people are actually mentally ill. What did you think happened before when less people committed suicide? That they just weren't talked about and their deaths buried. @AtheisticNonduality Quote by bad man ^ @Christoph Werner That's the core problem of everything. But good points you brought up.

@Preety_India I don't think it helps people to open up about their problems it's more so makes it trendy and you a delicate snowflake to have a mental health problem and to broadcast that to other people. No it objectively is. Far more children and teenagers are depressed, anxious, on prescription medications, admitted to mental hospitals and commit suicide. Which all adds to create an environment where the typical zoomer is mentally ill. Also NPD is definitely on the rise and gen z is going to be a generation of sociopaths. 100%

@Magnanimous Beautiful insight I got this morning: Think with your heart. And feel with your mind. As long as we are stuck with thoughts in the mind, we are lost forever, and our hearts will through our feelings, send us signals of discomfort and discontent. And of course thoughts of suicide and wanting to end whatever is, might appear. Through sinking in to the heart, and working with you unconditional and neutral space/balanced aspects. You can purify the mind of its patterns and unconscious loops. Power of just letting go, and be willing to drop everything to rest in your neutral loving heart, will filter everything you have consciously or unconsciously carried throughout your life, in form of traumas, programmings, environmental factors, beliefs, habitual patterns adopted by parents and other people in your early years up to early adulthood. Balance is at utmost importance, because we can easily drop out of balance by being too much in the heart space. We fall out of structure and become lazy and unwilling to move. And then the mind activates thoughts of guilt, shame, not good enough and so on. IMO, its all about learning what these things are and how they happen within you. And learning how to interpret and deal with these signals. It’s all a Balancing Act.

Monday 18th April +1 02:26 True despair and hopelessness is setting in. Been a few months on these meds. The dose increased a month ago and it did nothing, except the increased dose was less sedating and it caused rebound sleep problems. I'm hardly eating but still gaining weight, and food doesn't even taste of anything to me. There was a phase where I was eating loads of junk, but it seems as though now I don't have to eat much to gain weight. From 74kg to 83.5kg over the past few months. I finish my plate quickly and thoroughly, still slightly hungry due to increased apettite, but overall still slightly unrelaxed to eat more. Likely gaining weight from the disrupted sleep and inactivity. My credit card is fixed now, I could still change meds, get CBT (different from ctb and catching the bus) , and give things more time, but I wouldn't have any regrets about suicide at this point and would be a relief. Only problem is sourcing sodium nitrite without getting the police knocking on my door. Back in November when I was living in low-end student accommodation, I tried to order sodium nitrite from a website. After paying they asked for proof of business use or licence for using it, but I didn't have or provide any. Week later the police entered my bedroom when I was sleeping in the morning to ask me about it. I managed to shrug them off. But right now I'm living with my family, and if I try to order sodium nitrite to my home address I might get police knocking on the door and the family would know. -- I helped an old man family friend today who fell over and needed help being lifted onto a bed. Feels just a little bit good.

I had a mental breakdown four years ago trying to understand myself, life and reality by looking inwards and questioning the nature of existence and understanding. I intentionally stopped all my self improvement work. Not because I couldn't bring myself to do it but because it had become a compulsive behaviour and I wasn't sure if it was what I was supposed to be doing in life. If it was, I didn't know if I wanted to be doing it that way. I was confused about my love for music. How could I tell if I genuinely loved music if I was constantly making myself do it whether I wanted to or not. I didn't know if it was just getting hard or if I maybe hated it and needed to admit that to myself. Trying to push through just kept my mind occupied and frazzled when I had questions about myself and what I was doing. I was obsessed with my health and found relief in going against my fear of damaging myself. The problem is now I've done all this experimentation in doing what I considered the 'wrong' thing (i.e not caring about what I ate, how I lived, how much weed I smoked etc.) and I feel like I've become dumber. I probably have. My head is clouded and my body is damaged and I can't seem to fully remember why I did what I did. I can't explain myself anymore because I tried to let the need to defend myself go too along with everything else. Now, improvement seems important again despite the apparent meaninglessness and illusory nature of life and I'm left with an ego that has destroyed itself through merciless questioning. I am now left with neither the person I had created myself to be through pursuit of personal development nor have I really retained the insights and realisations I had about life, paradox, human nature, desire, subject-environment relationship, etc. and I can no longer recall all the reasons I felt I needed to stop my whole life in the first place. I just feel like I've lost everything. Now all of my friends are ahead of me and I never got the spiritual answer I was looking for. I figured if there was an unwavering inner peace one could access at any time it would have to be unconditional so it shouldn't matter what I do if that's all I really want. It really fucking frustrates me because I was more disciplined than anyone else I knew from 13 years old and I did really well in school and was generally mature and intelligent for my age. I should have been the last person to stop pursuing self improvement. I was super strict with my diet, my pursuits, my social development and was very careful about the sort of media I consumed and even sold my playstation at 15 to focus completely on my life and my pursuit of drumming (which I was super committed to at the time). I don't know what the fuck happened. I was so confused. My reality fell apart and I have been mainly at home for the last four years as I dropped out of school in year 10. Initially to pursue drumming further but as I had more time to think I had more and more questions about why I was doing what I was doing, who I could trust, what I could trust in myself, how I could know whether I was right or wrong, etc. Of course I wanted to stick with my good habits in the beginning just to be safe (I was deathly afraid of screwing up) but it caused me this tension and I saw how my thoughts tied in with my actions and that I would never know if I could find peace in self acceptance rather than constantly chasing improvement if I never tried letting go of it all. I think about killing myself at times. Not that I really think I would do it but the fantasy comforts me. I'm fucking broken now. I was super into self improvement before and I never thought I would stop under any circumstances. Who I was and my level of development was more important to me than anything else. Well, at least in terms of health and mastery of a skill. I can't remember what happened now and I'm afraid of wasting time and regret but I also remember fearing being caught in the obsession with maximising improvement all the time. I'm just angry. I wanted an answer that would give me certainty that I was on the right track with practical improvement so I wouldn't slip up but I never got one. I was deeply unsure. If I held onto improvement it would have been solely out of blind belief and fear of losing progress. Where was the inner guidance when I needed it? I don't fucking want it now. I wanted it four years ago when I needed it before I lost my fucking grip. I want to try psychedelics now but I feel like they'll just show me what I already know I have to do. The truth that I don't want to face. Why wasn't it clear self improvement is what I should stick to four years ago when I needed that understanding. I actively sought these answers for so long but I just kept running into epistemic paradoxes which I now have lost interest in and understanding of. I'm angry I didn't try psychedelics a year or so into this when I thought they might help me break through the understanding I was struggling with. I was 17 and thought I was too young. I should have just fucking done it. Probably would have saved me from all this shit. It's too late now, the damage is done. I don't know. I hate myself now. I don't even want to try. I've been meditating daily again and working out and trying to eat healthy again but I'm constantly hit with waves of sadness and anger about the fact that I would have been four years ahead of where I am had I not questioned everything so much. Had I managed to attain some clarity and understanding that trying not to be attached to anything wasn't going to help me at all. I used to be passionate about self improvement but now I would almost rather be dead. I would definitely rather be dead. I want to stop existing. If I was supposed to just stick with self improvement that should have been self evident and fucking obvious regardless of my mental state. Otherwise how are you supposed to know that's what to do? I just wanted truth that I could see in any state that would guide me the right way. Intuition or something I could rely on but everything seemed dependent on perspective and bias. It seemed at the time that my obsession with self improvement was actually the problem. I had some OCD-like behaviours such as carefully cleaning my teeth for over two hours. Maybe this whole episode was a subconscious rebellion or ego backlash against my strict self discipline. Anyway, point is I'm fucking terrified. I had reasons for doing what I did but now I can't explain my thoughts like I could before. I almost feel like I don't even have thoughts anymore. I don't know what to do. I know the answer is probably to try to improve myself again as much as I can and catch up and that I just have to deal with the damage I've done and there's no way of it not hurting. I don't want to do that. There was something I realised about the futility of pursuing improvement and I'm sick of playing this game although there appears to be no escape. I don't know. I feel like I don't know or remember anything anymore. I feel dumb and completely broken. I don't know what I'm asking. I just want to hit the reset button. As immature and whiny as it sounds I feel like this was really fucking unfair. All I've ever tried to do was the right thing. How has it lead me to this point? I think I'm experiencing an emotional low right now which is why the feelings are so intense and obvious at the moment but they're sort of always there in the background. Also, I realise this post is sort of messy and poorly written. Sorry. It's a bit of a word vomit but if I get too meticulous I'll have a mental lock up and lose my train of thought. I sort of just needed to vent a little. Any thoughts on my situation? I don't know what I expect anyone to say. I don't know. I made a similar post a while ago that was perhaps a little more coherent asking for advice for self forgiveness but I don't know that that's the problem anymore. I don't know. I just feel completely broken. If I didn't have a family to hurt I would probably consider suicide. I want to cry but I can't. I want some emotional release or resolve. I'm afraid even if I improve myself again I'll arrive at that same point of attachment and anxiety. I have a lot of hatred and bitterness in me.

The Virgin brides was a mistranslation. It said 72 raisins. It is Suicide bombing is condoned, Islam is against suicide.

@Someone here Why are u being so mysogynistic.wouldnt u love it if u get heavenly chicks. I am trying to research it.there are videos about one taliban freedom fighter suicide bombing himself up and killing 50 us soldiers.i do not know the exact fatwa on it.suicide bombing strategy was very successful against us invaders. I am trying to research on it.suicide is forbidden on islam.no doubt about that.but suiciding to kill enemies, i do not know about that

It is described in islam that God would compensate the shahid for sacrificing his life or his land. If you become a martyr, God will give you 70 virgins, 70 wives and everlasting happiness. Why is that ? Promises pussy in the hearafter seems twisted and uncomfortable for me . Since September 11, news stories have repeated the story of suicide bombers and their heavenly rewards, and equally Muslim scholars and Western apologists of Islam have repeated that suicide is forbidden in Islam. Suicide (qatlu nafsi-hi) is not referred to in the Koran but is indeed forbidden in the Traditions (Hadith in Arabic), which are the collected sayings and doings attributed to the Prophet and traced back to him through a series of putatively trustworthy witnesses. They include what was done in his presence that he did not forbid, and even the authoritative sayings and doings of his companions. Can someone explain to me the true version of islam ? @itachi uchiha Tagging you here since you have a good Islamic background.

There's several ways to stop the media doing this right now. But they have too much money and power to be easily stopped. Normally they're helping out the people in charge so it'd be career suicide to turn on them. It will take a real heroic "for the people" politician to finally put their foot down.

@Ulax I’m not so sure I’m that traumatized. For most of my adult life I’ve lived in almost complete solitude. It worked rather well, and my life was pretty good until one and a half years ago when I started studying. There I was surrounded by girls again for the first time since high school and my old strong desires were awakened to life. For other reasons I quit the studies and went back to solitude last year, but then I became very miserable. It wasn’t until summer, when I was on the verge of suicide, that I was finally able to bite the bullet and be proactive about this problem for the first time in my life. Until then I always hoped that I would find someone through work/studies or social circle. I really despised the idea of pickup and online dating. I do stage green activities too by the way.

If morality is entirely relative then how is there such a thing as good and bad karma? I know morality is a byproduct of the ego to support survival needs but intuitively there seems to be a deeper sense of ‘rightness/‘wrongness’ that transcends morality. I’m struggling to understand why I’m viscerally against things like murder, torture, rape, etc. Is it simply because I don’t want it to happen to me? I don’t understand why I have this desire to minimize the suffering of others if morality is relative? For example, Leo does this by warning again suicide even though hypothetically there’s nothing wrong with killing one’s self. Can anyone make sense of all this? Is it simply a paradox that can’t make sense?

Working Doordash got my account out of negative and got some extra. Getting back into self-care, dressing nicer, did a job interview which I dunked, but not enough pay. Did a couple rounds of Wim Hof right before it, on top of adding cold shower time to my normal showers. Think im gonna try for a waiter position instead and take advantage of natural charisma and meet younger locals while having a performance-based pay Saw Case Manager, helped set some goals for me... Getting my ID stuff sorted out Monday, lining up Dr appt, food stamps, check out plasma donation Engaging with people more, saying Hello to ppl, just dusting off the social skills, trying to keep good present energy , picking up more confidence because most people give me good feedback it seems like... Put on some Neville Goddard and Joseph Murphy on podcasts while doordashing, and listening to some about the Kyaballion (Corpus Hermetica of Greek philosophy?). Ive been really interested in subconscious programming stuff... Went to Meetup and found a hiking event Just enjoying myself around people, not really trying to talk to people too much... Although there was a girl I ended up chatting with about Tony Robbins and stuff... Im looking for like-minded people but I think she was giving me a soft-rejection on picking her up. Noted some areas of improvement for my game I could work on , maybe try some day-game sometime, although I would like to get a group going of just like people like this community has... Not really sure how to go about it, went to another park solo , taking some selfies at both parks, getting a TikTok going and start broadcasting some of myself. Maybe start a Meetup event about stuff related to self-actualization and consciousness stuff... Although there is a lot of Christians around here... Getting a gym membership gonna work out with a guy from the Salvation Army tomorrow. Can definitely tell my self-esteem is picking up, feeling really relaxed (not stressing nor thoughts clouding my mind hardly that much - which this is a massive turnaround from just several days ago) Tired tonight, kinda wasted the night being social... Had some guys preaching God to me... Which was fine, but I dont subscribe to religion... I use "God" as another way to think about the subconscious, and all of creation. So I was just listening and filtering things like how do I apply the preaching to something real I can use for a couple hours. I really got stuck as the center of attention and I am gonna have to work on not getting stuck with people talking to me on and on... Even if I can find useful stuff in what others say , its just I can be more efficient on my own study. Overall, just calibrating with each interaction. Being good energy, adjusting social skills, saying No to things , curating content I spend time on , reviewing past notes and recollecting my ideas I seem to have forgotten, working on establishing plans, finding inner peace (mental quietness, not reacting to things emotionally) , reprogramming my beliefs/identity so that "I am" the person I want to be and also like abundance mindset and self-talk , and trying to keep consistently doing the things working for me for good habits - adding in a little more each day. Just considering how much Id like to catch up on study-wise , and building up network , and developing myself as a life-coach and monetizing my passion... Gonna be a longgggg road , but at least with things continuously improving, then it doesnt really matter too much as long as I am addressing fears holding me back and expanding on what is working decently enough... I expect there will be those hard things that Ive been scared of and avoiding (like the difficulty of getting to where i want) but at the same time there should be really positive outcomes that I wouldnt have expected that come out of nowhere. Main thing is focusing on improving while also removing stuff with negative outcomes (so less time-wasters) Its only been about 1-2 weeks since I was paralyzed by negative emotions thinking I was gonna be stuck to the point that maybe suicide wasnt such a bad alternative... Now I am feeling like im about to surpass my previous peak within weeks from now. Definitely gotta figure out the whole "how to sit down and grind on productive stuff" like being focused writing study notes or building my online presence... Maybe the gym and some meditation will be the thing to try adding in tomorrow that helps in that area. Much love -Kory

I dont know that I would trade the experiences for an easier life. I remember wishing life was harder for me a long time ago, and the struggle has put me more in touch with the reality and human condition like I don't think I would have if I had just climbed without so much crap... But that crap has given me a unique angle. How many gurus have met heroine addicts or been in a homeless shelter and confronting suicide? Its easy to preach like "oh homeless people, just get a job!" Or "just get over your depression!" ... Its really taught me what is holding people back by experiencing it first-hand ... Losing most everything has been a blessing , before I used to try and help everybody, but now I see that fine-line within our consciousness how you can be trapped by it. Honestly its been amazing in the humbling kind of way... Like some Fight Club shit "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight" , now I am unafraid of so much , and I have vigorously tested ways to escape from hell myself and found what *actually* works and what doesn't... Certainly people have told me self-help is overrated and tried to help me live a normal life, but I know this stuff like Leo is on about , is like the most legit stuff across the ocean of info (or disinfo). And now I feel destined to fight this bloody war until my last breath, because most people can't ride on rock bottom and make it back up and know what is really going on. So I am glad to talk about the shit I've been through as a way to show others that it can be done no matter how bad you've had it. Let myself be an example. Much love -Kory

Since elementary school I've only wanted one single thing in my life: A girlfriend. 16 years later: Absolutely nothing has happened there. Last summer I was so depressed that there were only two chocies: Start doing pickup and all that, or kill myself. Unfortunately I chose the first. Since then my life has been a nightmare so bad I didn't even know it was possible. I've been on around 40 dates and every single one of them just end with a message the following day where they say they didn't feel the chemistry. Right now I've just had the worst night of my life, where not a single girl at the club I was at wanted to talk to me, and I probably approached around 30 of them. So far this year: All food tastes like ash and it has become so difficult to work out that I give up most of the workouts. I really wish I was dead. The only thing that keeps me alive is that I care too much about my immediate family to commit suicide. Now what?

You don’t need help. The only problem you might run into is wanting to go out of the window/commit suicide during LSD trips because of the feeling of “what’s the point” of living a life like this not being able to find/be around people that are like you. Just be patient with yourself in those moments and don’t do anything stupid.

@Dodo suicide is the result of disconnection with god. That's the only reason. When and if you lose every hope you have in your life ..there is only one door that you can knock for help, and that door is gods mercy .

Hello amazing person, I am Kory , and here is my Day 1 of an official journey I mean to commit to. Welp, after a long time of messing around, here I am in a Salvation Army homeless shelter and now the quote that captures how I feel... "The Sleeping Giant has Awakened" I landed here last night. I have been living in my van for 8 months. I am 32, and my own self-sufficiency has been lacking. I've stayed back and forth with people and on my own, always moving between jobs, places, and people. I've always wanted to be a high level life-coach, but as I went down the rabbit hole to unreel the nature of life, I disassociated with most everything but my own addictions to gaming and staying high. I've definitely been stuck for many years more-or-less doing the same shit not going anywhere. But I have kinda riddled out the missing ingredients to the recipe for my own success, and it is certainly very exciting to be in a homeless shelter and letting go of the things holding me back... I was living in my van near relatives and just staying within a comfort-zone that was actually screwing me over. The week before, it was still entertaining suicide to some degree, but I just came to accept that I needed help and my identity was gonna have to be scrapped... So I deleted all my games , like "I have no idea how I am gonna spend my day if im not binging out, but we will see!" Well I had an incident that pissed me off enough and I had just enough resources to go, so I just said "Thats what I gotta do, go get a fresh start on my own, and cut all the things not getting me results, and it will just have to work out somehow" So I got a call back from the shelter the following morning after I relocated to a nearby metro, and met a cool person that I've been vibing with as I feel myself coming online more and more... Its like recalling the better versions of myself like its just who I am now. Its pretty cool at the shelter, (i mean there are "bad" people to be around more-often-than-not, but helpful good people as well) I am getting 2 free meals/day, shower, laundry, place to get mail, state health insurance , getting a waiting list for a house in 1-2 months , got a bed , and daily life-skills training (reminding me of like military bootcamp but the homeless lite-bootcamp version) , and signed up for mental health stuff... Definitely something I didn't expect, everybody makes homeless shelters sound horrible but Salvation Army is pretty legit and I got taken care of within an hour of getting here. Well... I just wanted to work on writing/journaling and this felt like Day 1 to my journey... Really been a quick turnaround with going from depression/anxiety/existential crisis/etc to feeling like I am picking up with my better-self like riding a bicycle again. I have not had anybody to talk to for a long time, so I cut my time-wasting addictions out and I'm formulating a strategy for my own success... Like asking questions: "What are daily habits I should work on"" What content do I want to study" "Which communities should I get involved in?" "What are the most important+urgent steps to be taking?" I know people mention Leo's Start Guide here, I am also downloading Optimize app by Brian Johnson, enrolled in free online philosophy courses , have some old personal development masterclasses to go back through, looking at some free self-development training workshops from these online ads, reading some books, going through more good youtube self-actualization (Joseph Rodriquez is a recent favorite discussing like Napolean Hill like subconscious inner-talk stuff, and Tom Bilyeu rocks too) I dont really know what my goal is , but I know my passion is teaching in the 'transcendence' category , and I want to get online making money... I've just always avoided trying to start my own Youtube / TikTok channel, but I am gaining confidence from being in this shelter and meeting this guy who has been showing me around giving me the newb-tour , and its just wild that I assume I would be incredible, but I'm also my own biggest critic , and I am beginning to see the more I push myself to express what I am about, the more positive feedback I get and more pace I pick up with it... So this day feels differerent, it seems the spiral has begun its upward climb, and I've been waiting for the day I would see myself getting momentum again, because I knew I would have nothing to look back to again... And now it begins... "Fly, Phoenix, Fly" Question : When a Phoenix rebirths, is it Day 1 for that Phoenix? Is that an accurate metaphor??? Lmao idk, what do you think? Glad to read any comments you wonderful people wanna respond with. Much love -Kory Added a couple snapshots of this Salvation Army place... i just want to provide information that this place is pretty chill, not as bad as I had thought! Legit got my bed right across from buddy I had met, and there is a pile of tobacco behind my shoulder like community sharing lol.