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Alright… it was a good gathering… got to see family I hadn’t seen in awhile but I couldn’t believe we didn’t actually play euchre… lol… the old folks and I wanted to play but there wasn’t enough people who wanted to join… lol the other old folks wanted to go home and everyone else was wanting to play a different game…lol.. it’s all good… I spoke to some spouses that I usually don’t converse with much which was a change and it was good. I came back and I tackled my emails… lol… i took the 10,000 to nil… woohoo! It’s satisfying knowing that it’s been cleared out. I still want to go back in and check what I kept to see if I can get rid of more things.. and I know I have my google drives I want to go through too… I have so many pictures and most are repetitive so I know I can reduce it down… lol… alright… so let’s get back to the Bhakti yoga, yeah? Let me see where I left off… ok I guess it was talking about meditative states… I think it would be good to jump to the manuals words about meditation to try to have the same language in this context. “The aim of meditation practices is to induce the spontaneous state of meditation. It is impossible to teach meditation, no matter what many people say. If a person tells you that he will teach you meditation then he is not being strictly truthful. Through it is probably no more than a play of words, the only thing that anyone can teach is a method that will lead you to the experience of meditation. Remember this important point: meditation is unteachable by the very fact that it is beyond words. Because meditation is impossible to define in concrete terms, its meaning is widely abused and misunderstood. Many people sit down, close their eyes for some time and consider that they have meditated. Well, maybe they have- who are we to say otherwise? But generally it is the case that one broods over problems and thinks of external happenings while in the so-called state of meditation. This is definitely not meditation. Though the eyes may be closed, there is no introspection if the mind is thinking about the outside world… or many other distractions. This is merely living in the outside world with one’s eyes closed… Meditation is beyond the inner or outer interaction with the world. The state of experience of meditation is not only confined to those people who sit in a quiet place with their eyes closed and perform various practices to induce meditation. This is merely one method of meditationg and is called raja yoga. It is also possible to be in a state of meditation while performing everyday duties. This is more in line with the practices of karma yoga and Bhakti yoga. A person can perform the most trivial actions and yet simultaneously be in the highest stages of exultation (196)…In other words, we can continue to concern ourselves only with the external world to the exclusion of our inner being, or else we can realize our inner potential while still expressing ourselves in the outer environment. This is the choice. The first choice leads to chaos and unhappiness as is prevalent in the world today. The alternative leads to knowledge, happiness, and a harmonious interaction not only with yourself but with others. Furthermore, the first choice has limitations in its scope, whereas the second offers infinite possibilities, for it leads into new and higher planes of existence, new planes of consciousness, and to indescribable states of happiness. The second choice is the spiritual path. It does not lead to abandonment of the external world. On the contrary, it leads to even more growth, enjoyment and accomplishment in day to day activities. … It is not something new or recently discovered. It is not a path that has been taught and practiced by a few deluded people with their ‘heads in the clouds’. On the contrary they were very practical people. They were the saints, prophets, mystics, sages and yogis who have existed in all places, eras and in all societies. They all knew that the path each of us must tread lies in awakening our inner potential… It is possible for everyone to learn from their experiences and from the knowledge that they tried to pass on to other people. Infinite dormant potential exists within each of us. It is there waiting only to be discovered. To find it, however, we must plunge into our inner being. In a sense we must be like an explorer; but instead of exploring outer unknown territories we have to discover the inner uncharted environment….It is the same with meditation. We cannot tell you the wonderful experiences that you will have on your inner journey; only that you will surely have them (197)… The aim of meditation is to dive deeper into this substratum so that we can intimately contact and be aware of its potential. When we do so, it seems to whisper to us subtle answers to the seemingly unsolvable riddles of the universe. This is perhaps why we can experience intuitive flashes; it is a time when we contact the basic substratum of existence. In psychological terms we could say that it is a time when we connect our awareness with the collective unconscious. With ink this storehouse is contained all the knowledge that we’ve has been and ever will be…. We have the gift, though rarely used, to look behind the scenes. We have the potential to look behind the curtain of maya (usually translated as illusion, but better translated as misperception or misunderstanding of reality),. Each of us is able to transcend our physical limitations and experience knowledge, bliss and timelessness, where beginning and end have no meaning and where there is no past, present or future. This is the aim of meditation: to dissolve into the underlying essence of all things (221)… The collective unconscious: …It is a realm of unimaginable and immeasurable depth that contains the information and activities of our ancestral past… In short, it is an infinite blueprint of the inner and outer cosmos…. Further, there is an increasing tendency to understand that the collective unconscious (cosmic mind) not only contains the blueprint of the past but also the blueprint of the future. Thus, each of us has the potential not only to be aware of our ancestral past, but of the future, of things to come. We don’t ask you to believe this, but this easily explains the widely experienced phenomena of prophecy. A person who tells future events is merely a person who manages to be aware of this particular part of the collective unconscious (223)… There are different types of knowledge. The knowledge that most of us have is rational knowledge, derived from the logical region of the mind. We nearly always act from this part of the mind and assume that the highest and only form of knowledge is rational. In fact, intellectual knowledge is almost worshipped by people throughout the world, yet it is only relative knowledge derived from a limited number of facts and figures. From this we deduce theories, concepts and other ideas (225)… There is another form of knowledge that arises in the form of a feeling or an emotional response. We occasionally feel that something is true. It is not tangible in a mental sense but is a vague sense of knowing something. This is very often mistaken from intuitive knowledge. The next type of knowledge is called transcendental knowledge, which is attained in states of meditation. It is known in the form of intuition or illumination. The difference in this type of knowledge is that it comes from a totality of a situation… In a sense it is like rational knowledge, but instead of a few facts, all the information is there to be used. This intuitive form of knowledge apprehends the totality of a situation; it sees the whole picture, nothing is missing. This comes from the super conscious realms of the mind during states of meditation. Rational knowledge is ofter warped by personal preferences and prejudices. Intuitive knowledge is independent of all personal traits and projections (226)… The Illuminated mind: This is often known as the realm of superconsciousness or of genius. It is from this part of the mind that we receive intuitive flashes or inspirations. Without this region the great artists would not have been able to create their masterpieces nor scientists to receive insight into the phenomena of the universe. It is from here that the great saints and yogis gain their revelations, deeper knowledge, bliss and trascendental experiences. Very few people are aware of this part of the mind… The superconscious realm is that part of the collective unconscious from which we get our most sublime illuminations. The rest of the collective unconscious contains the accumulated experience of existence: that which is beautiful and that which is ugly, that which seems relevant and that which seems irrelevant to our lives… for the collective unconscious is really neutral in its nature… it is the voice of the universe without personal preferences…The reader should be careful not to assume that the collective unconscious and the superconscious aspects of the mind are fenced in and situated in a certain location. It is in a sense everywhere, under, above, within and without; it transcends the individualized mind (223)… Most of us spend our lives totally extroverted failing to realize that an ocean of bliss and knowledge exists within each of us, merely waiting to be discovered. It is always there and we are always in contact with these deeper aspects, but we don’t know it. Our level of awareness is insufficient.” So… this is where I’m grateful that in my journey I was curious enough to try different methods. I have practiced methods of meditations and I realized many things about my mind and body and breath. I guess I can say I started with the raja yoga style of sitting with my eyes closed… It was apparent that my mind could focus on my breath or even sound at first… lol… and then I could observe my mind starting to think of random thoughts and I could begin to just observe, but then my observation got absorbed in thoughts and I lost track of my breath and of sounds… it was a little startling to see that happening and occurring. Since I was practicing I could notice when that happened when I was in activity as well… I noticed in some techniques were I didn’t want to move a muscle… and how long and challenging that was… lol… I’d do really well and then when I dropped my focus for a moment I’d twitch or itch… lol… I used to live with a dog… I think I’ve mentioned it, but not moving even though he was propped on my chest licking my face… that was a challenge… pretty much a challenge to just accept and let it continue which I did for a while but then normally I’d break out laughing. But I did practice and so I did find things I wasn’t aware of that I thought was helpful… especially because I was translating it while I was active as well as inactive. But honestly, it was in ceremony with Aya that I really experienced meditation. The meditation that cannot be explained. At first I could compare it to the practices I was doing in the yogic sense. But it went far beyond those practices. It was occurring spontaneously… this idea spontaneity is clicking with me right now. For some reason… in these psychedelic states for me… insights and downloads are spontaneous. I don’t go in with a predeterminación. This surrender approach and not knowing really helped to guide me deeper and I didn’t know what I was doing I was just intuitively drawn to work in the manner. Because that’s the manner that works for me… so I’m not saying this is the approach or method for everyone. But I do feel psychedelics is a valid method for spirituality. It’s an easier method to connect with the collective unconscious and the superconsciousness. Yes this approach is not structured like yogic practices… its normally a gradual approach to cleanse and reprogram the mind, but why is it not accepted to gain these higher states which in turn encourages us to cleanse and reprogram during the hightend peaks of awareness or even after… We can see how society has conditioned us… just like myself… I wanted to work towards enlightenment but I was also very skeptical that it exists or that I could do it. Once I went into ceremony… I knew I was involved and experiencing something far beyond my imagination and it inspired me so much more and deeper than any other spiritual practices that I have entertained in my life. I’m not sure what the difference is when someone is excited about their method of spirituality is helping them find truth to not want to share it with the collective. Not forcing… but allowing people to know there are options out there. I didn’t know I was on a spiritual path… but I was already doing the work and I didn’t have any definitions to what I was doing… I was just doing things that I knew was making me happier. Again I went through shit when I was growing up and I saw I was reacting in ways I didn’t feel was right and so I had to look into myself to figure out how it wasn’t going to affect my happiness. The thing is… many of the people I work in ceremony with that I feel have really been doing the internal work are the people who don’t know about spirituality really. They don’t’ have vocabulary and references.. I guess because that’s how I was. But I definitely have had ceremonies with people who say they are “spiritual” and when we go into ceremony they are resistant and fearful… to me… I’m wondering what kind of spiritual work have you been focusing on… lol… I even mention how fear and resistance isn’t a good combination to enter into a ceremony… lol… sometimes we cannot help but having them before we go in… but to be experiencing it the whole ceremony… let’s just say I don’t take peoples words for granted anymore. I can listen and be respectful but I know I’ll know the truth when we share ceremony together… we can’t hide much in there… or it just doesn’t really happen.. I really love it when I’m in ceremony and I’m not actually drawn to assisting them in any way… lol… to me they have their own authority and relationship with their inner world that they are ready to continue to guide themselves. I’ve been ceremonies where I have to try to hid my help too… lol… they would be offended to get help… and so I’ve been able to send my help nonchalantly and casually and subtly. One thing I wanted to point out as well that I find in some psychonoauts or maybe spiritualists is the fact they want to disengage with the physical reality. I cannot relate to that mentality at least not yet I guess… I can see me gaining this eventually… but that’s after I really explore what this physical reality has to offer. Once we start realizing how powerful and amazing we are… how can that not translate to the physical as well. It said something like the spiritual path doesn’t lead to abandonment of the physical reality on the contrary… we gain so much more with the engagement.. I’m not sure if that’s a sign for me to watch out for when I talk to the “spiritual” people I come across that has an abundance of vocabulary that sounds like they know what they are talking about. I don’t know I cannot help myself from hearing certain I guess buzz topics and see how people respond or communicate them.. helps me see what they’re been able to experience compared to what they’re theorizing. Right… once we’ve had experiences and gained knowledge through the experiences… it’s easier to find them in others or more often what’s not been found in others. I guess I’ve been looking for these tell-tell signs because I’m a bit choosy with my energy right now… lol.. I don’t think that will be the case always or maybe it will… but if I can start seeing signs that tells me that they are not compatible with me in ceremony than I can wait for another time with. Actually I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now… It’s still really hard for me to be selective… lol… it’s hard to see that I have sensitivities right now that is wanting me to limit my involvement… but i know I wasn’t being selective and I saw how much I was ignoring my own health and energy. I just keep thinking if I’m swinging the pendulum too far maybe. I’m getting the experiences of being aware when I’m getting too tired and I need to rest or take a break. I just know if I have to tell people I need my time and space to myself right now… it’s easier to say it to a few people instead of the many… lol… I’m stilling saying this and these are too close friends and family… I don’t want to be doing this… but I feel like it’s what I need right now. And that’s just it… I know the state I’m in will not be forever… I want to get out there and see who and what I run into… I just know I’m more aware of my wellness more to make sure that’s a priority. So i know I won’t be falling into the same routine… and that’s were I just have to trust myself enough that I’m embodying the knowledge I’m conscious of. And it’s’ not like I won’t get tested… so see how much I’m integrating… but again… I’m trying not to hold anything in right now. I want to purge as much as I can. I guess I can go back into the Bhakti yoga for awhile too… there’s still some good stuff I wanted to address as I was reading. “If you naturally feel some kind of Bhakti, no matter how small, then you are well on the way to cleaning out the mind of conflicts and phobias etc. You should follow the path of Bhakti, for this is the means to calm he fluctuating mind, remove mental problems and make it more one-pointed. You will transmute a cloudy, murky personality into one that is as clear and sparkling as a crystal… Everything that you are thinking now is incorrect and in time all your misconceptions and fears will disappear… Bhakti purifies the mind (500)…. This is indeed the process that each bhakta and in fact any person on the spiritual path must go through. The whole body and mind must be transformed and purified… Most of this mental debris is usually unrecognized. It is only when one becomes more sensitive and aware that these mental aberrations and impurities are seen. At this point they can be slowly whittled away. Without removing the mental disturbances it is not possible to become consumed with expanded awareness… This process of purging the mind is not constant, but rather it fluctuates. One experiences peak periods of awareness and of Bhakti, after which one is again subjected to purging… This drop back into a state of anguish and mental disturbance is absolutely necessary, so that the aspirant can be further purified. More and more mental dross of a subtle nature is purged in the course of time. One feels more and more Bhakti… The aim of Bhakti yoga is to channel all one’s desires, ambitions, all one’s emotional responses into the feeling of Bhakti. This will eradicate the fluctuations of the mind and induce one-pointedness…the fit receiver for the grace of illumination and bliss. But first of all the heart and the mind should flow in one direction. Bhakti transforms, transmutes one’s individual being from the gross to the more refined. It changes tramas (inertia and ignorance) into rajas (intense activity). Then it changes this rajas into sattwa, the purified state of calmness and receptivity. One becomes progressively sensitive in perception and feelings. In fact the state of sattwa is closely associated with Bhakti. Shankaracharya points out: ‘the characteristics of pure sattwa are cheerfulness, realization of one’s self, peace, contentment, bliss, and steady Bhakti towards the atman, by which the aspirant enjoys eternal bliss (Vivekachudamani v.119)’. So there is a direct relationship between the clarity of the mind and Bhakti, and here we mean spontaneous Bhakti, not artificial Bhakti. The cleaner the mind the greater the flow of Bhakti and the mind becomes intensely one-pointed (501)… The conducive certainty of one’s own personal experience of transcendental awareness… through devotion overcomes all contradictions and differences in life and religious sects. Through the alchemy of Bhakti, life is transmuted from a whirlpool of dissatisfaction into a magical blissful experience (502)… Who wants liberation or perfect spiritual freedom? If one is liberated then to whom or what does one surrender? It is better to remain a bhakta, for one can know the bliss of surrender. What is the point of liberation if this is taken away? If the jivanmukta (liberated being) is perfectly united, then who is there to feel Bhakti towards? For the bhakta each second is an adventure, each second of time is the eternal moment of the cosmic play - the rasalila. Each moment is lived and experienced with an intensity that makes the heart pound with excitement. If one is really no longer part of this play, this adventure, then where is all the fun? This is the way a bhakta should think… Everything that happens, whether pleasure or pain, is seen as the divine law. The bhakta is a mere puppet. He owes his existence to the cosmic will… All work, actions and experiences are regarded as tests and trials of the divine process, as a means to remove imperfections. At this point, the supreme can do nothing but help his bhakta…. Such is the power of total surrender. One becomes receptive to divine grace: the grace of knowledge and bliss. This arises automatically when there is surrender and effacement of ego. But this surrender is not easy… This receptive state of mind cannot be created merely by thinking about it or willing it (503)…. The emotions heighten all experience. They intensify power in thought and action… On the path of Bhakti yoga the emotions are concentrated on one thing. Emotions are transmuted into devotion. This concentrated emotion leads to heightened sensitivity. One’s whole mind and body becomes highly tuned, like a radio antenna. This leads to heightened sensitivity to other people, their thoughts, feelings, and so forth. Even one peak experience is enough to transform one’s whole attitude and understanding of life. It moves through an angle of one hundred and eighty degrees. One realizes that what seemed so obvious, true, and acceptable before was totally wrong. One’s relationship with life undergoes a total change. It is completely reoriented. These peak experiences are on the route to perfection (504).” This right here… lol… this is what i’ve been doing and what I’m doing right now. This is an example where I was guided to do spiritual techniques without having to be guided by another authority. Does that make sense? I had not read these words before… I found the answers and I felt it was the right path for me… and I was starting this public Journal not know what it was going to do or where it was going to lead exactly… and I found myself wanting to question everything I had thought before… I realized I was wrong and I’m not afraid of sharing my behaviors and thoughts that were not conscious. I knew once I started purging that it felt right for me… I know I’ve had baggage that I was holding on to that… I didn’t really have to keep many of the thoughts that I had… I don’t need them as I continue. I know I want to live my spiritual life… I want to devote my entire life to my spirituality and I thought I had to convince myself that wanting to do that is not crazy… not only do I want to convince myself but convince others that this is not crazy… lol… again… I didn’t know I was going to automatically be drawn to be a bhakta… it was happening spontaneously. But now I can clearly state this to myself and I can be more of a deliberate devotee to my spirituality…lol… not that I wasn’t already… but I was easily distracted to spend my attention and energy carelessly at times too. I don’t have to have a label of bhakta but it might be helpful in communication in certain circles… lol… I was attracted to work with this to help with my clarity and inspire me to continue with my intuition. I am going to be working on projects that I want to give my full attention towards. I want to be one-pointed… I am grateful, honored, excited about my Awakening to existence… I get to dive deeper and explore more and adventure more and I want to do it in a manner which I was guided to as a devotee. This will only be a trait I carry with me along with other traits…. I’m still learning and this will deepen. There was a little more I wanted to look at still… there’s a section about ceaseless remembrance… that’s been so powerful for me… I kept questioning myself… how can I possibly ignore this… I cannot forget these experiences or messages… and if I cannot focus on this… how can I do anything else… lol.. anyway lets take a look at this section next. “Sleepiness is one main reason for low awareness. During or after yoga practices many people experience a feeling of joy, whether slight or intense.. This comes because of the wakefulness, calmness and awareness which the practices give them. But this feeling is quickly lost when one continues on with one’s daily duties. One becomes ensnared again in the ups and downs of everyday life, but this need not be the case. Through Bhakti and continuous efforts to remember the object of devotion this awareness and joy can be maintained. Remember ace helps to prevent the relapse into automated living patterns and thought. This ceaseless remembrance is a powerful practice for expanding awareness but it is not easy without devotion. Love and Bhakti make a person remember. There has to be a natural attraction to the sweetness of the name (mantra) of one’s deity…this rememberance must be spontaneity’s. A man who is in love with his girlfriend or his wife cannot stop thinking about her. He does not need to try, he automatically thinks of his beloved. He has no choice but to remember… this remembrance must permeate one’s whole being twenty-four hours a day. There are many cases of great bhakta who mere unable to stop remembering even when they were killed… Many of the great poets have beautifully illustrated this continual remembrance. For them the supreme is a helper, a dearest and nearest friend, nearer than breath, nearer that their own mind… When a person has this intensity of feeling, how is it possibly not to remember? And this is the express train to expanded awareness… One is less influenced by the ups and downs of the tumultuous world. One becomes more aware. The whole mind becomes concentrated and powerful…. With intensities, aspiration and Bhakti the remembrance will become natural and spontaneous. You will want to remember… It is the focal point of all your emotions and feelings. One becomes intoxicated wit the very thought of the Ishta devata (personal deity). You must try to hear and feel divinity everywhere… You must try to see divinity in every part of the world around you without exception. You must try to feel this in your heart. This is the way to union with the inner world of knowledge…. Love intensifyis this remembrance. Love means constant awareness. And this devotion means that there will be unceasing thirst, unforgettable rememberance and unswerving aspiration to unite with one’s ishta. This practice should not be done occasionally during prayers, but twenty-four hours a day. You should remember each and every moment, with every heartbeat, with every breath and with every action. This is the path of Bhakti yoga (506-508).” This is what I’m working towards… with every moment, with every breath, with every action… I’m already starting this.. and I’ll continue. Final thoughts from the manual… ”This integration of mind and body, of action and thought, has been the main theme of this book so far. Yet very little is ever said about harmonizing the emotions and integrating them with one’s action and thoughts. These emotions are very powerful forces. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve mental and physical stability if the emotions are rampant… The subject of stabilizing the emotions in man is usually forgotten or treated lightly as if emotions are non-existent. The attitude seems to be if the emotions cannot be tamed then pretend they don’t exist, like the ostrich that buries its head in the ground when it senses danger. This may make it feel safer, but it does not prevent it being eaten by a lion. So if you want to harmonize your life, then it is a useless being like the ostrich, and pretending that the emotions are non-existent. This attitude will lead nowhere, for the emotions are ever present. You may gain mental peace for short spells of time, but this tranquility will be disturbed by the monsters of emotions when they show their ominous heads from the depths. Suppressed emotions eventually bubble to the surface and create disruptions. To gain lasting peace in life it is not sufficient to attain perfect physical health and some control over the thoughts. The emotions must also be transformed so that they are in accord with every action and thought. Without gaining emotional harmony and one-pointedness it is impossible to gain mental and physical harmony. You will now perhaps understand why we are spending so much time in explaining Bhakti yoga. It is the most powerful means of harmonizing the emotions so that they work with the individual and not against him, so that they are used for constructive purposes (523).” Beautiful… lol.. ceremony is absolutely brilliant… it created emotions that were felt so deeply that I couldn’t forget and inspired me to make changes… The intensity of the emotions that I felt were so powerful… but my mind would question my emotions when I was out of ceremony… and yet the emotions again were so deep it wanted me to question my mind… lol… I already knew that my physical body could use some work so I didn’t question that much… but I have to admit… my spiritual lover has created so much intensity my emotional body radiated through my physical, mental, and spiritual bodies… it was/is so powerful… ceremony knew what I would responde to in a deeply intimate level…I continually see myself on a chess board playing myself and putting myself in check… lol… and it’s like I wanted to be in check this entire time without knowing it… lol… I thought I could’ve made different moves… but ultimately my higher self knew exactly what needed to be done to get me here. I know I have/am devoted to this spiritual lover… it’s not truly only the spiritual lover but also the physical lover too. He’s absolutely incredible and fascinating. When I devote myself into my spirituality I don’t necessarily have to have one name to use as a mantra. I do realize through experience that we are all divine and so if I have to use different names of divinity in different situations to help my spontaneous Bhakti.. and so I will do that. If it changes to using only one word then that’s fine too. But right now… I’m devoted to my spirituality, myself, and my spiritual lover… I cannot deny what I’m spontaneously devoted to… it will do me no favors. In different situations I’m drawn to use different symbolisms that makes sense to me at the time. Again.. I’ve already been starting this approach but I realize I’m sorting out my mixed emotions… well because I’m clearing out my thoughts that aren’t necessary anymore. As I continue experiencing peak experiences… I’ll have to take the time to re-evaluate my thoughts again. But I’m ok to work with where I’m at now… and open to change as i progress. Ok… that’s a good point to stop for the night (morning)… lol… until next time.

I have been doing the Vipassana meditation technique. And you only enjoy the bliss to a certain extent at some point you just want to get back to normal because at that level of bliss you become function less you don't want to do anything because you are feeling so good there is no motivation left for anything you just want to sit somewhere and that's it! I enjoyed it for a few days then I wanted to get back to normal lol This taught me an important lesson that you need balance in everything if you get something more and more even if its happiness or bliss it becomes boring that's why all emotions exist to create a balance and for normal functioning of beings!

Depression consists of a minimum of a loss of interest and hopelessness. A person who is hopeless typically has low desire, low motivation, low meaning, low interest/boredom. A happy person has the opposite and has ambitions/desires. I get what you mean, but part of what makes someone depressed and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, severe is not having anything to look forward to. I mean suicide to its extent is the loss of desire to live. The fact that you desire to work through your traumas and overcome depression are aspects of positivity/happiness. Happiness isn’t just feeling joy, but it is a mindset I carry through every emotion. I can be sad and still be happy because the mindset of a happy person in a sad state is self-reassurance and self-empowerment. That’s how I like to think of happiness. Not as some dopamine high of bliss, but a state of mind of acceptance, nurturance, cultivation, discipline, curiosity, and desire/ambition. Optimism through the hard times, being able to continue to focus on my strengths and growth is how I am always able to happy or in a happy-growth mindset.

@Yimpa Yeah if you sleep at night with earplugs and all your windows blacked out and a face mask you'll have the best refreshing recharging sleep of your life. Trust me. Game changer. @AlterEgo You'd be surprised by what you can easily handle and even enjoy. Once you get through the first layers of fear and terror (first few days) it's mostly bliss. I just completeled a 21 day silent retreat and I wish I could've stayed longer, it was one of the happiest I've ever been

Awakening comes with a clear realization of something. Seems yours was "just" a blissful pleasurable state. Really applaud your results, not everybody can say that. What is your meditation technique? I got jealous of all of that bliss lol

@Nahm Was great and @pluto dropped some bombs of truth. There were a few more greats out there, honestly forgot their names. I kinda miss all the chaotic bliss back then, there were some great battles between the powerhouses. Good times

For example like this gentleman: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chester_Bennington or these here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicides_in_the_21st_century Many of them couldn't complain at all on the fields you mention above. What you really want is the bliss of your True Nature. Nothing else will suffice. At least not permanently. Not that anyone gets lost halfway up the mountain and permanently stays there.... Of course one would be stupid not to create a happy life on a relative level (Maslow 1-5, partner, friends, financial abundance, creative expression, self-actualization) if one has the ressources and circumstances to do so. But it still won't permanently & fully fill the gap. Selling Water by the River PS: By the way, even Maslow later added stage 6, "Transcendence"...

Before Actualized.org Communication: very passive and introverted. Relationship: I afraid of relationship, my friend is few. I am the weird guy. Public speaking: Full of anxiety. Emotional: Lot of trauma, brain fog etc. Happiness: Ups and down. Any happiness comes from desire, which is not consistent. Dating: I am on the nice boy side. After 4 years on Actualized.org Communication: on the extroverted side. Relationship: I am not afraid of relationship. My relationship with all people be more deeper and satisfying. I have lots of friend. Public speaking: I dont have anxiety. My co-worker said that I am suit to become public speaker. Emotional: Its all much more, more more clear. Big trauma solved. My emotion is more like steel. Addiction is gone. Happiness: My happiness level is constant. Its not full sage bliss but hey I never feel much better than this Dating: Authentic and confident, detached. I am not watching how to get laid rn haha. On spiritual side, I am not too much into it right now. My transformation really kicked off in year three when I invested $35 in Leo's booklist. Reading and learning from those books was a game-changer for me, and I was able to make rapid progress. Some topics just clicked better when I read about them, you know? Looking back, I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I hadn't discovered Leo's videos when I was feeling so down in 2019. Thank you for your threads, remind me that its been 4 years!

Understanding is sononym of raising your consciousness. the walls are not such, they are simply your reach with a certain level of consciousness. people tend to believe that there is an ego mode vs an enlightened mode, and it is not like that, there is a gradual rise in your level of consciousness or understanding of reality. it is normal to reach a level where you feel bliss and silence and think: well, this is it, I have arrived. this is narrow minded imo. understanding is pure beauty, when you realize it's possible, you want more. I don't know about alien that Leo talk about, but he is completely right when he puts understanding above all else.

You will naturally feel more blissful as you surrender more to the current of life rather than the current that everything 'thinks' it should be going. When we all surrender, bliss arises. When mind is not over-active, bliss arises. When we surrender control, bliss arises. You cried because you had a big release, and maybe it has been a lifetime since you actually sat wholefully with yourself. See it this way, the more you surrender your hold on life, the more awake, free and blissfull you will feel. So yeas you are glimpsing what a greater awakening starts to "feel like". And with practice you can become established within such states and be able to carry them through day to day life. The bliss will normalize as you ground yourself.

So I have been meditating for the last 8-9 years on and off. I went to Vipassana last year in the month of July this was the second Vipassana retreat my first retreat was in 2014. On my recent retreat, I started meditating everything was going well until 4th day I meditated for the whole day and then came out for a break in the evening I was sitting under this tree and I started feeling heavily emotional then I started crying I did not know why I was crying I never cried like this in my whole life. I completed my 10-day retreat when I left the meditation center I became extremely sensitive to emotions that I cried every day I was feeling extreme gratitude. With that, I felt so much bliss that I can not explain! Somedays the bliss was so high that I felt like I am high on something! The bliss was 24X7 After the retreat, I was not able to work because I used to feel the bliss all time! I love traveling but even I did not want to travel because I was feeling an insane level of bliss sitting in my room. In that time I became so sensitive to everything that even I started to have fears of heights. I was so scared that I did not meditate after coming from retreat because I was scared of what was happening to me. I did not work for 2-3 months then that effect lasted around 4.5 Months after that everything got back to normal in the month of December 2022. Then in the month of January 2023, I went on vacation for a week, and boom the same thing happened started feeling immense bliss, gratitude, and emotions this time I did not even meditate. The feeling subsided after 15-20 days! I can not comprehend what was all this experience was it is awakening or something else?

You've no right or need to wake people up beyond what they're ready for. Allow others to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss. Who's to say you even know what you're talking about? Maybe they all know something you don't. ?

.... among other realizations/understandings about the Real You and Absolute Reality itself, also understanding that the separate self is a structure/process of doing something like shown in the video below, leading to an everlasting cycle of sometimes suffering and being a little bit less (or a lot less) than permanently happy. And then stopping doing the rock-thing. And being happy ever after, at least what psychological suffering is concerned. If somebody disagrees on the no-more-suffering part: You can keep your Awakening/beliefs, and my consciousness-stream keeps its "own" little endless reservoir of the bliss of our True Nature. For more technical explanations, see my previous posts. Bon voyage Water by the River PS: With such a statement, the participation fee for the "rolling the rock up the mountain contest" is certainly well paid. Lets end with this: “We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.” ― Kalu Rinpoche

Instead of relying on memory (which isn't real), realize pure bliss, peace, love, and silence, which is what you absolutely are. The absolute allows glimpses of this, where it stops identifying as a person bound by space and time, but then returns to entanglement with the dream. Mind-habits have to be let go of entirely. It only seems scary, because you are identified with the ego, which isn't real. In pure bliss, peace, love, and silence there is nothing to be scared of. How to let go? Hear truth, contemplate without conceptualizing it, and be it. Easier said than done, but still possible, especially when aided by the severing blade of suffering.

I can't accept the truth from the form's perspective, my ego is scared to death haha Yes, I'm very ambivalent about spirituality, but I remember those moments when I was fully awake. It was pure bliss, peace, love, silence.

Ignorance is bliss.

Just wanted to give an update. I found myself meditating for two hours yesterday (originally only wanted to do 20 minutes). After the session I was still in a meditative state while going about my business. As I was in the shower, the concept I had of myself collapsed (like it has many times before) - pure bliss! Note… I did find myself contemplating impromptu an hour into the meditation session, which could explain how I was able to go deeper. I’m excited to explore more!

I’m getting close to it. I have so much space. But is it safe? Should I do this? I remember reading a few times on this forum people saying not to do it. Yet again most people say that this is the only way to true happiness. Disidentifying from mind. Leo & others say that’s a true hallmark to being yellow. I’m so damn tired of the mind. It never stops wanting. It’s always suffering. I just want to disidentify from it & live in states of bliss. I do want to transcend it, I still want to have experiences, but I want to make the mind my humble servant. Whenever I have a negative emotion or thought I just come back to myself, the empty spaciousness inside. I don’t look into them to discover and integrate my shadow. The times I’ve tried to look into them it just stresses me out.

Take it to the next level: Sex being an immaculate performance, bliss manifesting from you and your partner in unison.

Alright… so most of my day was tackling the kitchen… lol… I got most of it done. If I feel like it tomorrow…. I think I’ll be able to finish it up. It’s funny because I find things my dads placed somewhere… I think this doesn’t need to be in the kitchen and so I take it into the studio area which I just organized, but now I have more things to figure out where they go. I keep reminding my dad that he’ll have to participate in this one day. I want to know what’s comfortable for him… where he feels he wants his tools and such which makes sense to him. I told him I’m doing my type of ceremony for him… purging out some of his things and cleaning it up so he has the opportunity to either enjoy the organization and likes knowing where things are or he’ll be in habits and it’ll just start looking like his normal. It was a bit of a challenge through the winter definitely. I found myself having similar habits… lol… we don’t have running water or hear… so there’s not a whole lot of motivation… good thing I was lost in my own world of creativity and journaling.. lol.. but I can sympathize with him. And I’m sure he thinks it’s going to take forever to clean and organize so he chooses not to do it. Hopefully he can see that it really doesn’t take long when we put our focus on to something. But I’m hoping he feels better with the space open and clean. I know it was making me fell pretty suffocating when I first arrived. I didn’t want to bombard him with a ton of change all at once, but once I realized he didn’t care too much for me to get rid of things… then it’s a lot easier. That’s the thing… it’s much easier for me to get rid of things then for him…. Plus I’ve got an idea of what he’s particular with… so it’s not that hard. I took my little buddy outside today. Last time he seemed to be more relaxed around the house so I thought I’d just stay here and have him explore. Well right when we went outside the gray cat, Sissy came up… and they do not like each other. In fact I’ve been hearing them hissing at each other at the windows.. I went outside first to see if she was around and it seemed like the coast was clear. But I placed him on the grass.. he went to start having a snack and there she comes. I tried to take him in the back yard and she followed. My dad was able to get Sissy to the front, but by then my little buddy Elvis was in flight mode. I couldn’t stop him from hiding and also he just wanted to dart back inside. So we did. We’ve got another beautiful day tomorrow.. I might take him to a little park that’s small and hopefully not too crowded. See how he does. Speaking about cats my dad is getting more concerned for the new guy… one-eyed Jack… he is definitely scrawny and he hasn’t really been eating. He’s been inside for about a month and he’s not showing signs of getting any healthier. He’s more comfortable with us and loves attention… he’s like a little shadow.. not me but my dad too. But he’s afraid he might die soon. I told him I’m not sure what to do really. I recalled the dog I was trying to help on my dieta from the village. There were a good amount of dogs running around which were pretty healthy.. but there was one that looked like a skeleton. I didn’t know why none of the village wasn’t trying to help the guy out. I ended up taking him back to the center with… my shaman wasn’t too happy about it, but I was trying to see if we could nurse it back to health. I was unsuccessful. Within a week he ended up passing and we buried him on the land. I’ve been thinking about death or at least transitioning from this physical perception. And there’s just little bits and pieces that I’ve been thinking so it makes me want to tumble it around a bit more. But yeah… maybe this cat is about to die. We don’t want it to die, but what if he’s to the point that we can’t do much except love him until he passes? That’s how I felt when my grandparents were in hospice. I’ll touch back on that in a bit. But the same thing happened with the dog in the jungle. At first I was a little upset that the village wasn’t trying to help this guy out. But there’s a tendency for other animals to treat the sick animal unwell… like keeping it away from them or trying to get it to run off or even try to kill it. I was visiting a girlfriend who bought land and a center in a Peruvian village and she had a group of dogs that she was taking care of. She was nursing them to health and trying to get them to be adopted eventually. What maybe seven or eight dogs. One of the dogs was all bones… and the alpha dog was a Great Dane. They were all good dogs but the Great Dane hated that sick dog. Lol.. if it’s not obvious yet… I’m a bit crazy. So the Great Dane would attack this sick guy and I would jump in every time I was around to stop it. But it happened constantly. I’d be carrying the sick dog away many times… he’d have wounds to heal. I’m not sure how long after I left the Great Dane did end up killing the dog. Again… I wanted the dogs to get along… and I wasn’t really mad at their behavior but maybe they sense something more than what I can sense? Because I didn’t see any dogs really around this sick dog in the village either. I know my cat really doesn’t seem to like anyone other than me… lol… but he’s trying to keep Jack away too. Actually I hadn’t thought of this before… but my brother nursed our dog back to health growing up with Pedialyte. Maybe I can give that a try. It was different with our dog.. she was trying to hide to die… and the cat seems to want attention but it’s weak. I know I’ll feel bad when the cat dies. Especially because it seems like it’s been neglected since it’s been born… he finally has a chance to at least have some people love on him and give him some shelter when he needs it. My dad says many things about being sick of cats around… but he’s got a good heart and he’s worried about the little guy even though he’s new to the house. But we don’t know what it was going through before we met him. I just find situations where I want to help animals who are on the verge of dying and they end up dying even though I try to stop it. I feel sad because again I feel the life they were living wasn’t easy for them. And I know once I entered into their lives I would give them attention and love… so at least they have that before they pass. I know I want to continue to work with animals.. I absolutely love them. I’ve actually had animals be guests in ceremony with me too. I’ve done ceremonies with Elvis which has been quite beautiful but I’ve also had three dogs join as well. Mostly I’m just trying to clear out their energies… one ceremony it was really cool because I was able to settle them all down at the same time… it was as if they felt the energy and intent of the moment. And Elvis was a really good helper in one particular ceremony. There was a guy who wasn’t comfortable. He was pacing inside and he would go outside and pace. He was having issues with kidney stones and even passing his stool. But there were a few guests… so if he was outside pacing and I was inside with another guest… I’d hear Elvis meowing… and he’d be looking outside.. he’s like go check on this guy… I’m worried about him… lol… so I would. Spend time and return into the Maloca and continue…. But he did that about three times that night and that was the first time he’s been so vocal in ceremony… especially with a gentleman he doesn’t even know. He could just feel the energy and it seemed like he was really concerned. Elvis knows I am trying to connect and communicate with him… I respond fairly quickly if he’s meowing to acknowledge him and watch him to see what he’s wanting from me. But yeah maybe I need to learn more about how to treat illness with animals. Reminds me a little time in my life when I was quite young I thought I’d want to be a veterinarian until I found out I’d also have to put them down at times… so I decided not to. But darn it.. I guess that’s just what I’m supposed to do or at least be involved with a some extent. I’m not sure if any who reads this has seen an animal or a human take their last breath. It’s intense and it rips at the heart when it happens. I’ve been there for a dog and I’ve been there with my grandma. It’s tough but I also had time to help them prepare though too and that seems to help in the transition and being present to observe the transition happening. Is more of that going to be part of my experiences? When I thought I was going to die and I thought my shaman was going to help me pass… it made sense to me at the time. Again I remembered being there for my grandparents when we knew their time was short. I feel blessed that I had those experiences. They meant so much to me and when they decided to go into hospice I knew that my time with them was short… and I’m going to be a part of that. I think I intuitively knew this would be the best way for me to process losing them from my physical presence. I was in my first semester in college when my grandma went to hospice. They didn’t think she would last but a few days. The family caretakers had a lesson on what to do and what to possibly look for when death is imminent. There have been some instances that they could be completely clear, competent and conscious right before they pass. I was hoping to experience that moment with my grandma, but it didn’t happen. My grandma was unfortunately in a vegetative state when she went to her home for hospice. She had an allergic reaction in the hospital which cause multiple seizures. I was on the night shifts with my dad… We had to take care of her bodily fluids because she couldn’t consciously do them for herself. I remember helping her with her mouth and swabbing it with these sucker sponges… sponge baths… giving her medication anally because she couldn’t swallow… none of this bothered me. I just wanted her to be as comfortable as she could be in those moments. I’d still give her massages… comb her hair.. we’d still talk to her and tell her how much she meant to us all. My grandpa was having a very hard time with it all. My grandma did almost everything for him… he was terrified to live without her… and I could hear him at night crying and telling her… begging her not to leave him. Telling her that he’s scared and doesn’t want to live without her… it was heartbreaking. I felt so bad for my grandpa… but I also knew he was going to be taken care of and he’ll eventually gain the strength to overcome his loss. Well we were going to do our best to get him to overcome. My grandma’s sister passed before her and her husband didn’t last a month after she passed. So we didn’t want the same thing to happen for him, but really who are we to say when the best time is for someone to pass? I’d say that individual knows to some extent when they want to pass? Especially if the choice is taken away by someone’s action that leads to that passing. We knew we had to get my grandpa confident that we were going to take care of him. We won’t do the same job as grandma, but we’re going to do our best and I told him I think grandma can hear us. I’d ask my grandpa to let her know he’s going to be ok. I know it’s going to be hard to live without her, but we don’t want her living her life like this though either. I remember being there watching and listening to my grandpa encouraging her that he’ll be taken care of and she doesn’t have to worry. He kept on repeating how much he loved her and how much she had made him so happy… again heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time. My grandparents had been together since they were in high school. Their families lived an alley way apart. My grandma was 68 when she passed… and I remember everyone celebrating their 50th anniversary a few years earlier. Her first and only lover. And it seemed like she was waiting for something before she wanted to let herself go to pass. And of course I don’t know if this is the case, but I think she was waiting for my grandpa to tell her that… before she chose to transition. Again seeing someone take their last breath was tough… I just remember her breathing doubled or even tripled in pace like hyperventilating and then she stopped breathing. And any excess fluids she had came out of her mouth, and I believe she also had a bowel happen at that moment. It’s really had to lose a loved one but darn it.. I was so grateful that she passed though too… I didn’t want her to live in that state for too long… it just wasn’t living. When I was my grandpa’s hospice nurse I moved in with him. He was at a different circumstance when he went into hospice. He was conscious and coherent, but he wasn’t allowed to have anymore heart surgeries. It was tricky with him because his body was filling up with fluids and a lot of the family was arguing how to deal with it. Whether to be strict on his diet so prolong the inevitable or to have him enjoy his food while he could. We were trying to restrict as much as we could… he was already in the habit of it anyway, but yeah… when he made special requests… how in the hell or we going to tell him no. We want him to enjoy and be as comfortable as he can before he passes. It was really great, because it was a couple months with my grandpa and so everyone was able to spread the word to the community… so we’d have all kinds of people visiting and sharing memories. My grandpa was involved with the community through coaching and the elks club… we’d have grown adults bringing in old pictures and uniforms or a baseball… my grandpa coached my basketball in middle school so I had some teammates around my age who came to visit… it was just really nice to be able to share that time with people able to say their good-byes… being a part of their hospice care really changed me in a deep way, especially when it came to showing appreciation and love while we share this experience, but also about dealing with death. In both instances I knew I was going to miss them, but I also didn’t want them to continue living in the state they were in… so it was best to transition beyond the physical. I really was able to overcome any feelings of attachment for them to stay because I didn’t want them to leave… it wasn’t about me… and I’m fortunate to take the time to show them and tell them how much they meant to me… I didn’t have any regrets. Again it seemed like my grandpa was also waiting for something before he wanted to pass too. So my grandparents has four children… and at that time there was arguing going on between them. Sad to say but I’d have to ask people to leave the house… or least go outside. If there was any arguing or yelling… I’d say that’s enough… take a breather… that energy doesn’t need to be here in front of grandpa… of course that would upset him. That shit upsets everyone… so I’d have to kick them out and tell them to return when they are calmer. I know they have high emotions going on and they’re trying to express themselves but they can have a more mature approach to the communication. I mean some were directing to my grandpa. And that’s what upset me… why are they waiting until he’s on his death bed to bring all of this up… why couldn’t they bring it up before. But again I know they needed their closure too… this was their chance.. but to be yelling and angry isn’t the way. But because their was issues between the kids not all of them were there at the same time. I was teaching painting classes at the time… but they were only three to four hours long and it was a few times a week… but I left for an event and all of my aunts and uncle and my dad was visiting for the first time all together and without me… I got a call on the way to work that my grandpa past. I remember thinking to myself… so that’s what you were waiting for. He was waiting for all of them to be together when he chose to pass. I remember at the funeral some of my cousins said they thought I was going to take it a lot harder than I did. I told them I’ve spent the last months with grandpa… I’ve already had closure and acceptance while he was here. I’m going to miss him, but I know he’s in a better state then where he was. My grandma’s burial I couldn’t even stay to see her being lowered into the ground… I was still very emotional. My grandpa I had more time to process and be with him before so I wasn’t so emotional and was more stable to see at the funeral and burial. This also brings me to my es-stepmother’s mom who passed away last year. I wanted to be here for her celebration of life last October. Again I have a better understanding of what death is at this point… a part of me wished I could’ve been there for her during the last moments. She was involved in my life from around first grade to sixth grade… which doesn’t seem like a long time but she was extremely influential to me. I feel like I really got the best moments from her liveliness when she was with us. Her health starting going down hill when she was grandparents to her children’s children. Since I was struggling with my own battles with my ex-step mom… I didn’t spend a lot of time with my grandma after… but i cannot forget all the great memories I had with her and just how she approached teaching us… sticks with me. She’s the one who really got me involved in being creative… really inspired me to explore so many areas of creativity. They lived on a farm and that really had an impression on me too… how much hard work goes into farming… her laughter… oh my goodness you could almost here it a mile away… lol… I remember I’d be in elementary school sitting in class and then we’d all hear her laughing and everybody would look at me… oh your grandma’s here… lol.. actually my dad’s grandparents… they were my number one fans in all my sporting events. That was a ritual for me… I’d be doing the warm-ups but before we had to sit down to start the game… I’d always go and visit my grandparents… i don’t know but they gave me so much joy and I was just so proud to have them their supporting me. I wish I could’ve been more involved before she passed, but I know there’s nothing I could’ve said to her that she doesn’t already know now after she passed…. She was remarkable and truly lovable. It’s really trying to be there for the family who will be challenged with the loss of their appearance in the physical who needs the support. They become infinite, and we don’t have to worry about them anymore… continue to cherish their memory and observe our own tendencies that we share… right this reality we can continue to share a part of them within ourselves… it’s beautiful. I’ve always been close to my dad, but after my grandpa passed… it felt like our relationship went to another level… he has no clue how much I appreciate him being my dad. I tell him all the time and he just laughs… but I’m happy I found the time to be able to share these moments with my dad right now. I’m grateful to be helping him be comfortable as much as I can. Lol… my uncle wants me to be his caretaker after he saw how I was with my grandpa, his dad… I said I will, but my dad’s on the top of my list… I joked around… I don’t know if I can handle both of you at the same time though. So yeah… if that’s going to continue to happen where I’m with people before they transition… I’d be honored. It’s an honor to be able to experience that with them. If I’m understanding correctly… we will choose to share that experience together, and I know I’ll do my best for them to not be fearful… I’ll do my best to make them as comfortable as they can. I can guarantee they will feel loved until their last breath of this physical experience. I really do love to love. I keep thinking about my death experience and my awakening experience… i know I’m going to continue sharing ceremony, and if my shaman was able to help guide me to those experiences… I want to learn how to do it too. I think I was shown this in my experience for my to learn this. That’s what I feel is going to happen on this expedition… I have a feeling its going to be a group that’s with me, and I’m not sure what we’re going to be doing the whole time, but I said it’s the journey that usually is the juice of it really… and I feel I’ll be ready to help guide this group to their death and awakening. I don’t know it might happen sooner… there was a friend from Peru who I was working with that I got the feeling he’s close… he might not need my help actually but if I happen to be with him… I’m going to do my best to make it comfortable and as easy as I can help. Right… I’m not afraid to communicate and so I like to tell my guests as much as I can to prepare them. When I was going through it… my shaman didn’t prepare me… lol… of course we were lost in translation a lot of the time, but when he said I needed to passé… I didn’t understand that… I didn’t understand that my mind would interpret that as passing out of the physical experience what we call death. I don’t know if I would have responded differently but I think I would have. I wouldn’t have made the decisions I did if I was prepared. I’m hoping that maybe they don’t even have to think they are dying… they can just feel like they’re awakening.. I’m sure each individual will be different. But I think the people I’ll work with maybe similar to myself… they’ll be finding their own way to awaken for themselves. But if I can help guide them… if it feels like I’m telling them they’re going to die in ceremony… that again in my experience there was a choice whether they want to continue the death experience of infinity or if they want to live fully in this physical experience. And that’s where it causes hesitation… what if someone does decide to continue to transition and pass? I have to be honest… I would probably still be honored to be a part of that shared experience. It’s just societies opinion about it that will be a challenge to handle. Right, society has a different perception about death. Again… I don’t know if this is the case in every situation, but I feel like it’s a choice. I don’t know whether someone passes unexpectedly by someone’s actions whether they choose or not… but I also don’t know what goes on in their minds whether they were looking to embrace infinity but didn’t know what they were asking for… it’s hard to express or even think about… right it’s not easy to talk about these things because again society sees it as the thing to avoid at all costs is to die. It’s the worst thing that can happen to someone. I just don’t know if this is true or not. Well actually I do know for me… it’s not the worst thing to happen. Maybe when you haven’t experienced death or a sense of eternal existence… it can be the worst thing. But if we do have that experience that death is not a final state then it’s not the worst thing. To me and my experiences is when I had a choice to stay as a nonphysical existence of bliss or to return to the physical… I wanted to return to be able to experience bliss with this body, with this mind, and with the universe. There was not a wrong choice, but to return to the physical I want to fully express and experience as much as I am capable. Many of my messages tell me that the universal collective is connecting at extremely deep levels. So I could just choose a life where I’m creating bliss only for myself, but I think we’re capable of much more than that. It’s as if i’m choosing this physical life because I am curious to see what a conscious collective will create together. Not only that but to see what I’m capable of in the physical experience as well. I was reading a few posts on the Forum and I ran into a post where a member posted someone on YouTube saying that Leo is creating a cult. I didn’t listen to the video because I feel like it’s a silly thought. As a student of Leo… I feel like this group has a deeper theory into the structure of cults and it’s obvious to us this isn’t a cult. But what I’ve been gathering from this post and again from other posts that happen to draw my attention… its the case there’s so many of us that doesn’t have our own experience of what death is. I feel the member who posted it was thinking that there were three people who have committed suicide while listening to Leo’s videos. Again I didn’t watch the video so I don’t know all the details. I know I’ve listened to Leo’s videos and he’s addressed one of these cases before. the member I feel didn’t address his issue in a mature manner, but I think he’s trying to see if there is a way to prevent people from killing themselves. Or trying things that has the potential of death. Is there a way to prevent that? Again who are we to decide whether someone should choose to be nonphysical or physical? I might have thought about taking my life once in my life but it was an impulsive thought and yeah I was just stressed and angry and I just wanted to give up… but it was fleeting for myself. And it was only a thought… I didn’t take any action towards it. I think I was probably late middle school or high school when this thought occurred. But I’m assuming that some people may battle with this thought maybe on a more regular basis. If I can be open to the idea that if I lived a life where I constantly thought of suicide… and then I had that choice again to be nonphysical or physical… I could see myself choosing to be nonphysical. I feel I could imagine many scenarios where I would’ve been able to choose the nonphysical. And I’d honestly say that societies opinion about my choice wouldn’t be a care for me. I’d assume I would be so disconnected that the physical world would no longer be a choice I’d like to continue. Why don’t we entertain the idea that death is a choice for a second. What if we all saw death as not the worst thing in the world. In fact because we thought it was a choice… would we be so upset with death? Could we really be upset with someone who chooses to pass out of the physical? Maybe we cannot understand why, but they can understand why. If we had a choice when to die… would there even be murder? Who are we surviving against? That’s the thing survival mode is many people’s focus because they don’t want to die. But can they entertain the idea that death may not be what they think it is? Maybe focusing on surviving death causes more unnecessary deaths… because we think everything is trying to kill us all the time. How can we get to a point where we feel safe from death? How can we get to a point where death isn’t so scary or uncomfortable? How can we get to a point where death isn’t a negative thought? Some of the readers might be asking why would I even be thinking these thoughts… how is that possible and what would be the advantage to gain anyway? Well.. if we are identifying as human… what would be the advantage of not being scared of death… it would completely change the human collective psyche and behavior patterns. I know it’s hard to imagine, but if we humans didn’t have to survive life… we’d have the time in the world to do… what? Live life to our fullest? Create our wildest of dreams? Well… if we are identifying as a spiritual human… this is what we are doing. We are trying to experience existence beyond the limits of a human… maybe what we can call it the spirit… many spiritual humans have developed an understanding that surviving life isn’t the most conscious way to live as a human… we’ve experienced the nonphysical and there’s no body to sense, no environment to experience, no human mind to learn… which may sound awful, but it’s not… but to have this physical experience and not be able to appreciate it’s brilliance would be the worst thing possible… because it’s our moment to take advantage of this masterful art we are creating. we are already on this spiritual path, but many don’t realize it. I didn’t realize it for most of my life, but just because I didn’t realize it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t happening already. Again I feel like I want to know how to make us realize we’re on a spiritual path already and of course sooner… lol… but I know it’s already happening, but is it happening at this pace because most of the collective is not conscious of this? Maybe we are conscious and the pace is perfect… maybe I’m just wondering why I feel the desire to help people see death differently. why do I have the desire to help people realize death and even the desire to support when they desire to transition? I’m comfortable asking these questions, and I’m comfortable not having to find a resolution at this time. Lol… I feel like I’ve been purging so much lately that I just feel like I’ve got space to spare. I feel like I have more attention to give to areas because again I feel like my energetic thoughts aren’t so spread out… this purging process is valuable to me. I appreciate everything that I’ve been able to attract to get me to this point. And again I’m excited to see how this continues to develop. Yeah I think this is a good place to stop for now. I’ve been thinking maybe I should spread my Journal entries out for a few days… I’m not sure but I’m open to it. Yes I’ve been getting a ton of value, but I also want to create some space from it too… lol… Creating space seems to be what I’m drawn to do right now. Alright until next time.

The mystics of this world were no "plants". Some founded world-religions, and acted courageously and fearlessly in the face of oppression and violence. A lot of them were persecuted, some even executed, and many fearlessly stood their ground to the very (and often gruesome) end. They were no weak personalities or plants, but were connected to their own innermost center, which flowed through them and gave them strength, courage and fearlessness. They were grounded in their Real Being, knowing themselves to be indestructable at their core. Do you honestly think that having access to divine bliss hinders one in acting in the right way when it is called for? Water by the River PS: And as explained in the thread above, there is a difference between bodily pain and psychological suffering (or resistance to what is here and now). The lacking, or at least highly highly reduced psychological suffering or resistance to what is, does not stop one acting in the right way, but rather empowers you to do so with the strength of your very True Core.

Yes. I thought for a long time that the Absolute is maybe somehow "behind" space, or being bigger than the Visual Field (that was already at least sometimes nondual at that point in time). Or that it encompasses the visual field. At some points, it dawns on oneself that all of these "probings", attempts, investigations.... are just more arisings happening within you. And the space is imagined IN YOU. If you try to looke for this line, drawing this line, imagining this line, you imagine it WITHIN the space you imagine. It all appears or is being imagined. You will never find the Absolute in any object, any arising, any location. Any self, any appearance, any anything. But this process of "emptying out" everything, to fully BECOME it, to see each an any arising (thought, appearance, understanding, whatever,n+1) as arising in YOU, you have to become fully empty. Nothingness. But yet, that process has to be walked earnestly to the final end, and can not be shortcut. Also because the Absolute is also infinite, IN-FINITE. Nothing you can measure, find, define. Nothing finite. No arising/appearance, however subtle. Even formless arisings (thoughts, formless subtle level lightshow, whatever), are not it. Because IT is timeless. Always there. Formless arisings also come and go. Nice book on that topic: Szyper, Infinite Consciousness. And then, when You are fully empty, you can be fully everyting, nondual. A more concise formulation, and much more beautiful than my ramblings above: “We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.” ― Kalu Rinpoche Perfect. If the thinking can solve all open existential questions, you can rest in the Suchness that you are. Nonmeditation-Yoga. You cut off all separate self arisings in real time (since you are proficient enough in that "cutting off" immediately when these "thought-capsules" arise out of consciousness. They havent even been elaborated out, that comes later. Funny thing is, at some point you notice they emerge with the full content of the thought already "in there", and that gets elaborated later and more slowly. The Skill of Reckognition in Daniel Browns "Pointing Out the Great Way". Getting that high-speed cut-off in place triggered for me the step from just cutting thoughts/separate self arisings, aka emptying the mindstream while the "external" world is still solid & out there, to the visual field getting nondual, centerless, luminous mere appearance. So that transforms the Visual Field slowly to mere groundless appearances. You feeling localized ends, the localization dissolves. My theory for that (but I have no proof), is that the Endohuasca-System of the body gets activiated. To cut off efficiently all "Great Doubts/Questions", as I termed them for myself, like the questions above on the nature of space/time/separate self, you need to understand the answer and "how it works". Or you push through with Koan-Meditation concentration-style. That also works, but I feel very sure that this would have taken me 5-10 times longer, and would have been much much (!) more unpleasant. How to "finish" time Mahamudra/Pointing Out the Great Way Style, and end up at the so called "Always Here Mind", the eternal or rather timeless Infinite Consciousness, thats another topic. If you are interested let me know. That is described for example in the Yoga of Unelaboration Chapter of Pointing Out the Great Way. Assumption/Theory: Meditation-induced and body-produced Endohuasca (DMT, 5-MeO, ....): What I assume is that a certain level of proficiency of cutting/transcending of the "harder/deeper" searate self arisings, and the "hard/deeper" existential questions (like space/time/....), or transcending and letting them just play out, but being aware of them as objects, being able to cut them anytime, see their arisings out of consciousness, their flow with in, and their disappearance, triggers probably some kind of Endohuasca-System, your body producing similiar chemicals (DMT,5-MeO, MAO-Inhibitors....) that you can also trip with when supplying them externally. To trigger that means staying in full mindfulness for a long time, having taken the meditation off the pillow and not getting distracted. The effects are very similiar to Psychedelics (nonduality, luminous mere appearance, groundlessness of all appearance, Infinity, timelessness, even shutting off the separate self/Ego (although not completely mostly. Some quite subtle feeling/filters/lenses of perceptions of Individuality (sth watching sth.) often remain): https://dmtquest.org/endohuasca-magic/ and that gives you the multiple hundreds/maybe thousands of hours that one needs in the "nondual timless infinite mere appearance visual field state" to get aware of every last subtle separate self arising. But that can be done in everyday life, at least while not being distracted too much. Of course, getting previews by psychedelics to confirm that there is something to be reached, to get to know the Nondual Infinite Field of mere appearance, maybe even visiting the causal Whiteout-Godhead of Infinite Potential: Awesome. But probably will not suffice in most cases to get one "on the other side". Then, finally, at the very end, the separate self is just a very very subtle feeling of individuality. Body, Location, Duality, time, all have gone a long time ago. Its just an Infinity of groundless mere appearance visual field showing up, limitless, already nondual(!) and luminous/mere appearing. And "a" nothing that is only aware of that. Like nearly nothing at all. Very very subtle and murky. Roger Thisdells No-Self, stage 4. And then you are ready for the Big Bang, that then can happen all by itself. Sudden Awakening. One can not force it. Crossing over happens by itself, resting long enough in that state, and letting it ripen. If one wants to do that only by tripping... well, I never read from or about one case where Full Enlightenment/Realization actually worked. But maybe there are cases. It takes too much time to get rid of the last subtle veils of the separate self, and by tripping you can also be distracted by the show/understanding/whatever. It always reads like some separate-self elements still well and alive and not transcended, no fully empty "No-Self" having looked totally in to the Abyss of Nothingness,but having had the hell of an infinite nondual mere appearance experience of a (for sure) very interesting visual field bubble or God or Alien or I don't know what. Plenty of stuff in the Multiverse to explore and understand, especially considering that it goes upwards the Holon-Pyramid forever (Planet-Monad creating/maintaining all perspectives on it, Galaxy-Monad, Universe-Monad, Multiverse-Monad, n+1). And plenty of stuff of the properties of God to project on the remains of the separate self... You are very welcome. I believe there are two elements installed in the universe, in order to not give Maya every advantage (she already has enough): 1.The radiating bliss/love of the Realized Being. 2. Any separate self teaching "down from up high" with any "superiority-raditation", marveling at its own ingeniuty/superiority is normally just keeping the illusion going, because: If you are all, how can you be superior to anything? Compassion and humility, and helping "others" look around the next corner of their own path, is indicated. Not sustaining the illusion with "I see the Matrix", and its "Saul Goodman". Sorry And luckily, that attitude isn't very sexy for the fellow seekers, see point 2. above. On the other side, how are realized Dzogchen-Realizers depicted in Tibetan Buddhism: Radiating great humor. Why? Nothing "other" holy anywhere.... at least nothing where making jokes is forbidden. But not a condencending/superiority humor that has fallen in love with itself. Because what is there that a "you" could be "superior" to? Superior to another aspect of Your Own Being? Easy way to cut reality in two or create duality, so a rather not so smart idea.... To tell the difference between these two kinds of humors, the hard-wirings of humans are usually quite well calibrated. Selling Water by the River

Hi Mike, I am not sure if I fully get your questions. If my answer below is not on topic, please excuse, and let me know. Below are some ramblings on the topic of space, and how it developed for me going from "self-existing-reality-aspect" to "imagined in Reality/Infinite Consciousness". which was one of the deciding steps boosting nonduality/mere groundless appearance in everyday life, making the constant intuiting of fundamental Nothingness/Reality much more proficient. At least for me, space itself was one of the last things to go from "self-existing" to imagined. "Time" as concept goes before, and is replaced by the Always Here Mind/Reality. Space is one of the first "Archetypes" necessary for manifestation in this dimension, and one of the last things to be seen through. Space is not fundamental (or self-existing), it is also imagined. Space (any kind, 3D, 4D, non-euclidian, whatever. Infinite amounts of different space-dimensions in Mathematics) is not any kind of Absolute Reality. It took me a long time to get this, thinking along quite similiar lines of thought as these you write above. Space is normally seen as such a fundamental that (at least for me) didn't even considering questioning that, or rather wondered how space "fits into the picture" of Ultimate Reality,which has cost me quite some time. The perspectives of Consciousness/Reality of the Leavitt picture (hyperbolic Euclidian Space of Visual Fields Bubbles, see previous posts) are not situated in any kind of space. The "Absolute or Nothingness/Primary Consciousness/Reality unaware of itself when no arising is imagined" is more fundamental than space. It is fundamentally totally spaceless. Space is imagined in it. As one of the first arisings. If there is nothing, there is no kind of space. Just Infinite Potential. See the Massaros Waterpistol example (Conversations with a Skeptic) I wrote about in previous posts. With space, I mean any kind of space, 3D, non-Euclidian, n+1 dimensions. Also, Indras Net is not situated in space. Leavitts Picture is a version of Indras Net. Both taken together are a nice working model. An Infinity of perspectives are imagined, and all but your own perspective forgotten in space. Psychedelics can loosen that quite a lot, you get access to more than "your" perspective of this life. But One Absolute Consciousness/Reality is aware of them all (since there can not be anything else than THAT, which is also a direct realization), and "that" also happens to be the stuff/material of all appearances, totally nondual. Perceptions perceiving themselves. And with no appearance/arising, this Reality is unware of itself, but with the potential for sentience. To make it more practical: If you have ever remained aware while going from Dream Sleep to waking state (or the other way round): There is a spaceless state in between, with NOTHING arising. Infinite. No Space. "vast", but not even vast. Just infinite. It is not 3D-Space. Just Nothing. No separate small you. Only Infinite Potential. Similiar to Deep Sleep (blackout), but like an infinite Nothingness/darkness suffused with light, timeless since there is no movement, just nothing. Your perspective is not situated in space then. Space gets imagined in the dream, and in "waking-life", so "before" or "after" THAT (and to be more precise, since there is no time/change in it, it all gets imagined IN IT). And of course, waking life is also a dream, just more coherent, happening in IT/You/Reality. With enough meditation/practice awareness can carry into these states, and instead of the usual Deep Sleep Blackout it can become something as described above, which of course makes the structure of reality more clear. Maya-Deep-Sleep-Blackout replaced by something more revealing (Infinite Darkness suffused with light, and not just a blackout). And I know, all of that is imagind right now, but these states still can occur. And its quite beneficial for understanding to experience them. All this logical reasoning can't get you to the big Awakening into what You really are. But a coherent explanation can help calm the thinking-mind during meditation (on or off the pillow), especially when its no longer only concentrative meditation, but meditation without concentration-support-object, and make it "compatible" for the Realization. And can help you boost your nondual/mere appearance visual field during that. With that goal, I write these lines. Not to logically get you to a conclusion/reasoning that you are IT, but to open the door to be available for that Realization in certain fully nondual states when you are fully empty of separate self arisings, and all perceptions appear as mere appearance. But I agree that the Zen-guys are way smarter than me: They would just mainly stay shut up, smile at you and make you meditate (boost nondual states), and say something like "go looking for the face before your parents were born". Which is actually the same thing I try to point to above. It is up for the reader if these ramblings of mine are of any worth. The Realization is a direct insight/understanding, Consciousness/Reality understanding itself, since there is nothing else. It is not "I always come to this conclusion, that is why I can rule out the rest, so that must be it". That is all nice and good (and necessary), some of the preliminary Awakenings/Enlightenments coming before the Big Bang, necessary to a certain degree and profiency to make the Mindstream "compatible" for the Big Bang. It is more like something undeniable, like a punch in the face. It is an unmistaken insight into what the True You/Reality are, no doubt/error possible. Self evident. Dead-certain (literally). The possibility that one can be gaslit on that Realization is something like a joke occuring in You/Reality. Or, as said in Zen: You can smile the devil in the face, and not be shaken in your certainty of What You are. Or: Who knows the spring does not drink from the cup. If "you" still can doubt it, it is not It. The more compatible your mindstream is with the Enlightened Mind (meaning no possible concept not seen through as thought arisings-in you, the last to go after space is "individuality" of a separate anything), the higher the chance for the Big Bang described above. Small "you" can't force it, but create circumstances where IT can happen (That is a large chunk of the essence of Nonmeditation-Yoga in Mahamudra). You become the whole Infinite "Thing" afterwards, with nobody watching "It". Perceptions perceiving themselves, Steven Norquist style. See my last post if you are so inclined. And yes, that haunted emptiness is the price to pay. But it just happens to look like there is a "real" price to pay, looking like that from before that Gateless Gate. Having gone through it, there never was a price to pay. To the opposite, you win It all. Everything. Everything there could ever be. What you "loose" is just the grip of the separate thinking/feeling arisings of the separate-self-Gestalt, which was nothing more than a a pattern of illusion-arisings (technically (and beware, reductionism ahead): patterns of phenomena-arisings of a separate self=structure=probability distribution of arising, a process of arisings with a certain systematic to it). Arising in you, but not self-existing: You can happily exist without it. What remains is Reality itself, and a person that isn't less functional than before, but more so (because you are not standing in the way of the optimal rollout of Consciousness/Reality). Short form: "I am not a human, I have a human". To fully get it, you need to awaken to it. Or said differently: If you would fully understand all of the above, you would be realized. On how long its stays "haunted", and how much this haunted reaction lasts: I write more about that in my last post. Maybe that is interesting for you, and I hope I didn't miss the questions too much. If I would have known that back in the day, I would have been faster and could have avoided some time-consuming mistakes. That is why I write it, not to lecture anybody or proove any fixed ideas of mine. The Ego is in large parts a cluster of beliefs, which it has to defend life-or-death style, because for the Ego its exactly that (at least with important core-beliefs). Similiar to what the bear does in the video in the signature of the post. If its not useful for you, just disregard it. In case I rambled on, please excuse the deviation. Selling Water by the River PS: If anyone feels inclined to comment on the post, please check if the bear-move in the link below (signature of the post) is being performed or not, and preferably the Blackeyes Peas and "Where is the love" (or something similiar) is being played in your emotional continuum. Then, any questions, comments, and suggestions are even more welcome than when the song is not playing. PSPS: "If God as you say are exploring though us does that mean those two bodies in that conversation is not looking at each other but that God is imagining and holding both of them within itself? And all these ideas of eyes and perception that aren’t actually in my direct experience are the ways I’ve been taking a false ownership of what’s really God’s experience of the other body as something belonging to my body?" Yes, pretty much like that. Various aspects: 1) Leavitts Non-Euclidian perspectives style, and most perspectives forgotten + 2) Indras Net that any perspective reflects all others + 3) aspect that for example even an atom or molecule has some kind of proto-perspective, reacting on similiarly leveled perspectives (=Holons in Ken Wilbers system, and similiar leveled = other molecules). And Holons/Perspectives all the way down (to infinity, quarks, ....) and all the way up (to infinity, like Galaxy-governing-monads, Universe-governing-monads, Multiverse-creating/sustaining/governing monads, and infinitely higher up n+1, and also completely "OTHER" realms, unimaginable to human mind with space/time/.... For that, see Jac O'Keeffe). And then one could start wondering of how much of that one can have explored/understood of all that manifested stuff in one single human lifetime. Next to Nothing. Infinitesimal so to say, if one is mathematically-prone. So maybe instead one fully realize ones essence and structure of Ultimate Reality/True You as Infinite/Nondual/Absolute Reality/Infinite Consciousness, and LIVE THAT as much as possible? With the bliss it brings? Not to talk about the "hang-over" of the (imagined of course) good Karma/tendencies that brings for ones next imagined manifestation (only if one is inclined to believe in that, which is of course not absolutely real, but part of the imagined show). But that would still be nice for the big show that "we" are all celebrating here So basically, with that model above, you don't need space as self-existing reality. Any maybe consider replacing the God word with some bundle like "Infinite Consciousness/Reality/God/True You". Just to not project/make God some self-existing external reality outside of you. Ultimate Reality is nondual, Infinite Consciousness Nothingness perceiving its own manifestations, perceptions perceiving themselves without separate self elements "clouding" the true state of things. God is not somewhere outside. God is right here. What imagines all of that? Biggest possible accident: Projecting/Confusing the Individuality-Arisings of the Separate-Self-Gestalt on God/Reality/Infinite. That is the worst possible seductive kiss from Maya imaginable. Yet, quite a show....

Yes. Fully agree. Bodily pain can of course still arise. (1) But suffering as psychological resistance to what is can fully go. (2) Especially the continued dissatisfaction/suffering cycles of the separate self can end, drowned by a current of bliss directly from the source of ones True Being. If you don't share my humble opinion, please feel invited to check that in the cases of many many enlightened beings in the history of mankind. What made them so attractive for their fellow companions? That they suffered, were confused, and sometimes a bit frustrated and not so-loving-as-possible, in the usual merry-go-round-cycle, as their fellow nonenlightened company? I guess these two observations/statements/claims (1) and (2) will always be a problem, and correspondendly be attacked and criticized by anybody trying to declare some kind of stage/state/awakening/"realization"/understanding/whatever as final or superior which doesn't deliver that freedom from suffering. And if not, why not be so kind and declare that ones version of the path to heaven does NOT provide that which every(!) being wants: Permanent bliss and happiness, and an end to the cycle of dissatisfaction and suffering. Or (smarter move probably) maybe add at least the announcement that one intents to someday later deliver these goodies also. So ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts, and watch the onslought. I know, stupid as I am writing all of that, I can't complain.... Luckily, the video with the bear is already in the signiture, and will hopefully protect the writer of these heretic lines. Well, Caveat Emptor, and bon voyage! Water by the River PS: Not that I would recommend doing something like this, but just some idea of what Nirvana/Nirvikalpa/Cessation can do to the survival-imperative. The guy didn't even flinch or move a muscle. Warning: Can be quite disturbing to read/watch. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thích_Quảng_Đức Probably Britney 24/7 for a month would have gotten him anyways... PSPS: I have to admit that Moksha writes much more beautiful posts than yours truly

Some techniques I have practiced over the years: Vipassana Dzogchen Kundalini yoga Pranayama to feel bliss Wim hof breathing method Holotropic breathwork Contemplating spiritual books and videos Contemplating leo's videos on God-realization The power of now Feeling love or gratitude surrender Mantra meditation Lucid dreaming/dream yoga Choose again the 6 steps process for healing trauma.