Norbert Somogyi

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About Norbert Somogyi

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  1. Back again. Ever since the incident I accidentally brought a hurt and long-repressed part of myself to the surface, my life has been swinging back and forth between periods of productivity and a general improvement in well-being, as well as intense anxiety. I had a coffee break booked with my coach but I had an intense anxiety the night before. I decided to go out in the night to club and went overboard with drinking, trying to numb the anxiety. I slept in and felt intense guilt. Fortunately she handled it with grace and positivity, made it easier for me to forgive myself for it. Even now I have an intense anxiety, and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I only have this recent episodes of anxiety (that I cannot connect to anything else) and a subsequent dream as a reference for the existence of this part of me. Not sure what event led to its' creation (separation) or how can I integrate it. I feel like journaling about it would be my best option at the moment, but the pain is overwhelming. Will try to do it nevertheless
  2. Finally got accepted into Integral Academy here in Hungary, my life is on its path towards enrichment. It is also a possibility for me to begin responding to my innate calling I've been ignoring for a long time. The interview was comfortable and cozy, went great. There is still a huge anxiety rushing over me (as always whenever I take steps in a direction), an inner voice telling me I won't be able to do it. Yet at the same time, I'm already formulating plans to deal with the financial deficit it may cause me, in ways I could further enrich my life. Didn't feel so excited yet so anxious at the same time in a while. Gonna push ahead.
  3. Today I managed to respond to a person I've been holding off for like 1,5 months. Social media is a bitch, it can easily distort your perception of responsibility when it comes to communication. Another thing is a thought-process (perhaps an insight) that popped into my mind as I was travelling back to my apartment from work. I was always interested in things and had an innate curiosity, but it often stopped at a superficial level. Whenever I questioned things on a deeper level (concerning any topic including my identity) I met a wall which brought me pain and anxiety. Couldn't break through that effectively for years. Maybe it is because it does not align with my self-image (which I'm just discovering on a deeper level). Perhaps my self-image does not include innate curiosity, wisdom and introspection. It is, a weird thought.
  4. Another entry into my journal. It is really hard for me to maintain this journal, because every time I set out to follow up on it I feel a rush of anxiety. I get the urge to distract myself, and eventually forget about it. It happens with quite a few things, but for some reason this time I have the strength to work through it and get down to journaling. Just celebrated my 25th birthday with some friends camping up in a cave, then at home with family. It was a wonderful experience, got to know this friend I've been hanging out it for years a lot deeper. Up until now I was constantly looking up to him, but this made me realize (like he was saying for a while by now) that he is not better than me. Perhaps in some things, but then I am better in other so who cares? Had a lot of deep discussions with him about life, psychology, spirituality and the future that we can see for the world. That is something I am relatively good at, but talking shit and having fun with others is something I'm still working on, still dependent on external validation. I've always thought that throughout my life I've always been passive & superficial with people in my life. However an insight just came to mind that the person I was showing to them at the time was actually me back then. Including the anxiety, seeking external validation, trying to please them instead of showing who I am. This kind of relieved me some of the guilt of me handling relationships transactionally in a sense (I only seeked the company of people I have seen value in (according to my perspective)), and the only way I could show them that I care was through either good deeds or material gifts of sort. Wanted to make up for my lack of social calibration, which seems to be improving week by week. Journaling is still painful, but I'm sure there is a lot deeper to dig into and thus I'll keep going.
  5. Hi! I've been putting away the thought of journaling here for a loong time. Including today, it is about time to get into my night routine (but hey, better late than never, eh?). I have no idea in which direction this will be going. The funny thing is that I've been thinking about it for a while (for too long, trying to make it perfect without even making the first step - happes quite often). I guess I will just start and build it up as it goes. I feel like I have been interfacing with the world around me on a surface-ish level. Barely did anything with full engagement, yet for some reason I have managed to accomplish a few things I thought impossible long ago. Things like finding a stable 9-5 job, moving out, going out to have fun with or without friends, some success with pickup as well. Sometimes I feel like there is much more potentiality in the life that I can build, yet once I start building it I start to feel like I can't do this and just escape back into this thoughtless existence (much like being on autopilot, when possible). The office job I have now. In the first month or so I was basically great. Learned very quickly and I was told it will be really easy for me to do this. Then some time have passed and mistakes have started to come up, and eventually I sabotaged myself so much that I was on the verge of being fired more than once. Unhealthy self-esteem is a bitch, I know. For some reason I did not think I was capable of it (when I actually am, if I believed in myself). I guess there's a lot to unpack deep down. Even now I'm just rapidly going around, barely sticking to any topics. I guess that is reminiscent in the way I live these days, my attention can barely be locked onto anything for more than a minute. Now that I think about it, buying that feature-phone does not sound like such a bad idea. I guess I really need that digital detox, no matter how long I have been postponing it. Moving on, I have shit to do. Later
  6. @flowboy Thank you for the thoughtful response! Given me food for thought. I will also check out the links you provided. You also inadvertedly have given me the motivation to start a journal here, so thanks!
  7. Hi! I've been a loong-time lurker of this forum with only a few posts here and there. Another addiction of mine. I was at a cafe reading Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden I just bought recently. I tried to read it first by taking notes along the line, but I soon realized that it was not effective and I was lowkey fooling myself. So I started to just read it and dive deep into the book. Turns out I went a little too deep, as the book was slapping me around with each page I was reading. A lot of things have risen to the surface I was repressing for years. The thousands of hours I spent browsing the internet semi-mindlessly. The number of times I sabotaged myself when things started to go too well, like in job roles and relationships (or even friendships - I have underlying attachment issues as I could not form a healthy relationship of any kind so far, not even with my family - or myself for that matter). The bursts of energy and motivation, followed by falling back into my old protective, but unhealthy habits soon after once (again) things started to go *too* well. I am also heavily dependent on external validation. There's so much more. I felt incredibly vulnerable standing up and going home, been feeling like this since. In fact my brain threw me a quick dream, in which I was walking somewhere until I met someone who was pointing a bright flashlight at me. He pushed me back so much I fell on my cheeks. He sit down so I could see his face (with the flashlight still in my face), and pointed in a direction possibly signaling for me to go away. I have woken up soon after (must have been not even an hour into my sleep), feeling even worse. I tried to reconcile myself and tried to start talking to the part of me that felt vulnerable and hurt (with little success, but was an eye-opening experience). For some context: I am a 24 year old male, spent some time with psychotherapy (solo and group alike). I achieved some success (living on my own independently, with a stable job, some success in pickup too), but I just feel there is so much more potentiality. This is something that's been holding me down for a long time, and only now I am starting to realize how deep it is.
  8. @NoSelfSelf Oh yeah, I agree with that. I'm just saying most of the points you considered delusions (perhaps you meant as if one was focusing solely on one? In which case I'd agree too) can be integrated into your game to nurture it.
  9. @NoSelfSelf While I agree that using money on girls to improve your dating opportunities, or focusing on girls that appear to be *easier* to get is selling yourself short, the gauntlet you proposed doesn't seem bad at all. Nofap can definitely help you improve your dating opportunities (personal experience) if not taken out of context. Even Leo says that you can just avoid jerking off for a few weeks before going out to get better results. It's not a necessity, but I believe it can provide numerous benefits in this regard and basically most facets in your life (especially once you stop being neurotic about it). Red-pill well yeah. There are some good bits to be found, but generally avoid falling into the ideology. Being on a purpose: Life Purpose - sounds like an integral part to improve your life as a whole, which in turn enriches your dating opportunities dramatically on top as well. Money/Status: Money is required to improve your status, but in a bigger perspective. You can use it to invest in yourself as well as to create and maintain a large social circle (if you are into that) to improve your dating opportunities. Looks maxxing: Improving your appearence can be a good strategy on its own, but in combination with other tools on this so-called *gauntlet* is the best. Passport bros: Well some people live in small rural towns where dating opportunities are little, in that case its better to move especially if you are not satisfied with the life you can lead there. Moving to the US seems like a good idea in this specific context too (but not a necessity). Obviously don't focus solely on either of these (perhaps except for finding your purpose, as that itself can enrich your life in a way not many things can), but a combination of these does sound good to me if done mindfully. What would be the real solution, according to you?
  10. @mr_engineer Things go well in the context of pickup. However it becomes clear to me along the way I would not want to pursue genuine relationships with them (drastic difference of age (senior), drastic difference in values, life circumstances (single mum for example), hard to talk to in a deep manner). Yet when they show me passion or even some light of vulnerability, I just melt and get deeply attached. Now that I think about it, having a disorganized attachment style along with the past relationships that I've contributed suffering in, could be another reason why I try to stay away from them for the time being. It invokes and triggers a lot of anxiety and fear. Regarding open relationships, I am not sure. I feel like I would be constantly walking on thin ice left and right and my anxiety would be through the roof.
  11. @Raze Thank you for the links, definitely checking them out! @mr_engineer At the moment I am not really seeking long-term relationships, however that will definitely change in the future. For the moment I prefer being able to live to the fullest, burning that karma you know what I mean? Appreciate your words though, your advice is sound. @NoSelfSelf Would it be the best to tell them early on? What if the initial attraction is merely physical, but later on (perhaps after pull) she shows something I get genuinely interested in as a trait or a combination of traits? I know authenticity is incredibly valuable, just don't know how to go around it in this context (or in general). @Ulax Your words are spot on, pretty much matching what I've been experiencing so far. Pickup and the corresponding results just highlighted how much of an issue it really is. It's really hard to build meaningful relationships like this, not only romantic but friendships as well. Appreciate your non-judgemental perspective, I'll dig into this.
  12. Hey there! I've been practicing pick-up for a while and these days I'm gaining improvements and results. The tendency I noticed is that each time things go well with a girl and we have fun (especially where we end up getting physical and I get their number or a different contact), I tend to get attached to them even if I know deep down that I would not want to pursue a long-term relationship. I still end up talking to them trying to make something (most of the times another physical encounter) happen, but one of the following happens: Things either cool down (me realizing that they are not interested in progressing this any further // or that I am not) or they end up ghosting me, The separation hurts emotionally for a while, where I end up being affected for the next few days. I've never been good with relationships, possibly have a disorganized attachment style (according to the tests I've taken online, the one Leo posted as well). Any tips? Appreciate your work, Leo.
  13. Hey guys! I'll get to the point. I've accidentally admitted to past recreational usage of psychedelics at a local plasma-donation facility. I've been permanently deferred from donating plasma (possibly nationally, idk), that's one thing, however is it right for me to fear now the police being on my tail as well? I reside in Hungary, if that clarifies anything. Yeah, that was plain stupid, I know.
  14. The link now says "Oops. We can't find that assessment." Any ideas?
  15. I'm with you on this, towards a better life!