Federico del pueblo

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  1. Or both or neither one of them? 😄 The last 7,5 months have been absolutely brutal for me. A few days after my last lsd experience in July I was heavily destabilised and flooded with such unimaginable levels of fear that it seemed like I had damaged myself forever. This was also a heavy retraumatization with things that had already gotten considerably better after several years of good work. Since then several other things followed that destabilised me again after I had already improved. The last one is that since end of 2023 I haven't been able to overcome a fucking regular cold, which is constantly worsening my already debilitating chronic fatigue symptoms. It was a cycle of stress, more illness symptoms, more stress etc. Since my second last lsd experience (also July 2023) until now I have a thing where behind closed eyes I see subtle but still clear enough images of scary faces flashing up, very quickly and subtly, still unambiguous though. It's more like just the widely opened eye balls and mouths, like you would imagine insane people or people in terror or people being tormented or so. It started during the lsd experience but didn't unfold or complete itself and now it persists a little bit more subtly than during the experience. Needless to say that with my trauma and the last lsd experience I'm not gonna have any trip again any time soon... Weirdly though, at the same time my meditations are deeper than ever and it more and more feels like I'm connecting to something and dissolving into nothingness. I feel twitching or subtle tremoring movements around the spine, sometimes in the perineum itself. I've had meditations where I clearly felt a stream of energy through the spine up into the brain. I have more and more "visuals" during my meditations. My brain feels incredibly good in some meditations, sometimes there's virtually no thought (no selftalk) for maybe a minute or so, just imagery arising and leaving (biographical, phantastical or "random", kind of like on a psychedelic.) I'm sometimes in a normal environment but I really have to wonder: "what actually is this here? Objects, people, "me"?" Of course I know that people voluntarily start to do contemplation to awaken, but what I mean is that I really genuinely am confronted with this question, not really like I'm choosing to think about it. I also do very down to earth trauma work or emotional work with different techniques, I can't go very deep at the moment though, cause I can still downward spiral and get destabilised. I'm also aware of "something". It's like energetic but...I don't know. Like seeing a flimmering in the air, and it's not the one when a street is hot in summer, much more subtle. It kind of feels like a presence could be here, but I don't really see it yet. On some nights I also had terrible nightmares where I was paralysed and other crazy stuff happened. But also dreams of flying, chakras opening and energy spreading etc Stanislav Grof invented the term of "spiritual crisis/spiritual emergency" (as opposed to mental illness), so maybe you guys can calm me down a bit. I'd appreciate if you try to not make me more concerned but offer the most optimistic or encouraging view. Thanks a lot everyone! Greetings
  2. @soos_mite_ah thanks for writing this. I love your post! @Breakingthewall so true!
  3. Yeah of course... there's also things like god realisation and OBEs and NDEs and unity and connectedness and so on. But look, you decided to dream the dream of a human. Why are you doing this? You could just be floating around as star dust all the time or experience yourself as a super nova explosion. But actually you truly want to have the human experience, this limited finite, kind of hilarious experience where you are this little goofy self, navigating this complex world with all all of these ups and downs and with all the misery and all the glory and what not. But now, if you truly allow yourself to completely let go and just truly surrender to this human experience amazing things can happen. Your experiences with other limited little humans can be so profound and meaningful, you just never knew it. We always wait until things are right. There is always this future moment when things will finally be ok enough and then finally we can fully enjoy the experiences with other humans. When my trauma is healed, then finally I can be open and loving with other people... When my health is improved, then finally I can be more social and do more of X and have more meaningful experiences with people... When my studies are finished and I have a good job in another city, then finally I can be like X with people feel like Y and do Z... When I have my ideal boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband etc., then finally I can feel X emotion which will help me to do more of Y so I can feel more Z and then because of Z I can be still more charismatic with people so I can connect more with them and feel more of this other human emotion... But look, you only have this fucked up human experience that you are aware of right now. Maybe you have anxiety, maybe you have depression, maybe you were bullied in school, maybe you have asymmetrical tits or a small Penis or you have this negative story in your mind of how you became so limited and you like to wallow yourself in it and tell yourself that until X is not fixed you cannot truly enjoy your humanness and connect with people. Maybe you think you first need to achieve enlightenment or "transcend your trauma" until you really can connect with people. I'm here to tell you that all of this is bullshit. All these other people you could meet have all kinds of flaws and a lot of them feel self conscious or insecure about something. A lot of people would really appreciate it if you showed up and were a bit more open about your flaws and insecurities because then they could let go more and just ve themselves. But anyway...if you could just be a bit more conscious of your neurotic human ego and understand that it's just this little illusionary thing - which is not truly you, but a part of your human experience - this would already do a lot. Then, when you step in front of another human being, you could be conscious that there is an exchange of information (facilitated by language), but more importantly there is an exchange of ENERGY happening at the same time. How much energy can you exchange or let flow from you to the other person? The other person does not need to be awake or anything for this to happen. It only takes you and your intention and presence, there's no excuse. Do you need anything from the person or can you simply give to give? Can you wish the other person the best? Can you just be fully present with the person and be grounded in your body and in the now? Does your ego need to tell the other person of all your achievements and get a lot of validation? But if the other person needs validation, can you be non-judgemental about it and see a little bit of yourself in them and just give them a bit of that validation? Don't wait until it's all perfect! This moment will never come... Allow yourself to fully connect with others now, with all your flaws and shortcomings and so on. Don't hide these things, just admit them, just own them. Don't "do good game", just do "no game-game". Or actually, do nothing and just fucking BE. Let it flow. Some people will judge or reject you. It doesn't matter. Don't let the fear about this get in the way of truly connecting with the "good" people who just take you as you are. Your life is now. There's nothing else. And be honest with yourself...you don't actually want to meditate all day long or do your yoga the entire time. You want the human experience. You want to meet and understand and truly FEEL others. That's why you became a separate limited human. If you truly allowed yourself to have this experience and connect with other people instead of protecting yourself you might actually get a spiritual experience from it. A human-spiritiual experience (Of course I'm projecting a lot here...I'm guilty of all the things I mentioned above). I think that's all I wanted to say. Thanks for reading!
  4. I can only give you the advice to not do what I did with LSD, which is the following: LSD is a substance that will (at least after a few trips) automatically liberate stored/pent up emotions from your body and thus it will become conscious to you as energy/emotion, maybe accompanied by memories and can be clearly located in the body. Your body might react with movements in an attempt to "burn" the stress from these past experiences and their emotional charge. Anyway, here's what I did but you shouldn't: Even though the substance was already liberating and releasing emotions I thought it would be a good idea to additionally deeply feel into my triggers on full doses of LSD. I thought "but like this I can bring up more and release it". I brought up more indeed when I did this "mental exposure therapy" a few more times and in one last attempt I brought up a lot, it clearly felt too much and like some really deep dark energy had been brought up, creeping up through my upper back and neck. The trip ended normally though and I thought nothing too bad had happened. A few days later I got triggered by one of my regular triggers and the anxiety then quickly spiraled into deep fear and panic. I had the most horrible existential fears you could ever imagine for several days. This became a severe retraumatization with some of my prior fears and new fears arose from that too, together with dark depression and hopelessness. I'm still dealing with the consequences over 4 months later. With a substance like LSD (on a full dose) you basically create a little temporary hole in the barrier between conscious and unconscious mind so that unconscious material can come up. If you are then overly eager and try to bring up even more you might create a stream of emotion that is a little bit too strong and that can rip the little hole wide open and thus leave some damage in the barrier that doesn't immediately heal/close again after the trip. And then you can get flooded. So be careful. Just let come up what wants to come up and don't try to bring up all at once in one experience. Also at some point in this process very big experiences might happen, like reexperiencing very early unconscious traumatizations. This can be very challenging or overwhelming if you're by yourself and you might want to at least have a trip sitter or even better professional guidance.
  5. Hi everyone, Some of you might remember a post I made at end of July: In this post I talked about how I didn't tolerate a LSD experience and fell into some pretty dark hole a few days after the trip. Interestingly the trip was not nightmarish, there was just a rather negative moment when seemingly I brought up a bit too much of a specific trauma related emotion. That must have sort of blown apart my barriers a bit too much. A few days after the experience I got triggered by one of my common triggers and then spiraled down into full blown panic. I then had to deal with this severe anxiety or panic for almost a week. In this time there really was no control over my emotions, the gates were simply too wide open and I had the most disturbing worst case scenario thoughts in my mind, which I could barely stop even though I did my best to not ruminate. I suspect that these days must have sort of overburdened my emotional processing system in the brain. The intensity of anxiety then gradually decreased and now I mostly have about the same levels of anxiety as before the experience. Though I'm now dealing with depressive feelings stemming from a kind of pessimism and hopelessness regarding my entire life, especially my mental and overall health and thus my future perspectives. Let me explain the constellation: For over a decade I've been dealing with chronic fatigue syndrome and for a whole bunch of years I haven't been able to work because of it. At the same time it seems obvious to me that this health condition was created by chronic stress and years of emotional problems stemming from earlier traumatic developments. Now in this situation of joblessness and health issues of course my emotional issues initially got worse too, but I've been working on them for years and have actually managed to now feel much less affected by everything, like being less insecure about it and so. And yet, since the severe post-LSD incident I'm now really struggling with existential fear about my chances of ever recovering from my emotional symptoms and overall health condition. Also: It seems like my health limitations (fatigue, ability to exert myself) stop me from living a really fulfilling life and thus it's still harder to affect my emotions positively and overcome certain inner limitations. It seems like a difficult cycle. I don't really ruminate myself into these states, it's rather like I wake up and feel negativity in the body. Or I just become aware during the day that there is this depressive feeling in my upper back and neck area. And then I know what it's related to and if I'm not careful I could exacerbate it with negative thoughts, but I manage to avoid that a lot of the time. Basically the new inner reality I feel limited by goes something like this: "It's too hard to overcome your trauma and emotional problems" "Therfore you can't cure your nervous system and thus your health condition" "So you won't have a fulfilling life again and will get old poor" I know these are "just thoughts" but due to the dark emotional states these thoughts carry a strong emotional charge and can feel very real and definitive. Especially after waking up there is a tendency for these states and thoughts to arise. Maybe some of you have experienced similar things and know different strategies to deal with these depressive feelings. What do you think I should do exactly when the feeling is present and I have some time to work with it? Yeah, I think that's it. Please be positive, I'd be struggling to deal with negative input these days. Any uplifting advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
  6. @Salvijus Ok, very interesting. Thank you so much!
  7. Which practices do you have in mind? Is it Kriya Yoga, Kundalini Yoga or other Yoga or things like Tai Chi? Yeah, this is my current approach. It takes some practice too, but obviously it's much better than trying to run away from the emotion. That sounds super interesting. Who teaches something like this?
  8. @Lila9 @flowboy @Javfly33 thanks for your insights!
  9. @Javfly33 I read in the course description (right before you order) that the seven 90 minutes lessons are not replayable "to create an experience as close to an in person workshop as possible", so you only have the option to go back in 10 seconds steps, lol. Is this how it works? You'd have life long access to meditations, exercises and Q&A videos though, it says.
  10. Interesting! Thanks for sharing this info!
  11. @Javfly33 which pills did you pop?
  12. Sure you explained yourself. Interesting. Thanks!
  13. @Javfly33 which other Yoga resources did you use to complement your practice?