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I would say that the real work is to see through the deception, totally, and realize the reality. where will this take you? it is not known. hardly anyone has really done it. will it make you happier? crazy? suicide? no one knows, because there is no one. they are part of the deception.

On Jan 30th, Leo Gura had his most explosive outburst towards a user yet: Here are some facts about the issue: This was indeed directed to the user of the created thread Leo Gura had made a prior comment before this outburst that received no reply, where he was speaking in his regular tone. No exchange was made in between these comments, nor was any comment deleted, proving that the outburst came out suddenly, unexpectedly, and completely out of the blue. The user was not being overblown, boastful, grandiose, or overstating with his/her claims about their awakening state to elicit this type of behavior, not that being like that would remotely justify this malicious behavior in the least. You can read the full outburst here and see the context for yourself: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89530-awakened-now-what/?page=2 Leo Gura violated his own forum guidelines as shown below directly taken from: https://www.actualized.org/forum/guidelines/ #1 Rule: Don't Be A Jerk Speak to people with respect. Be conscious and kind. What’s NOT Allowed: Verbal abuse Calling members names like: stupid, idiot, moron, asshole, retard, evil, etc. Trash-talking, trolling, chronic criticism, blaming, or finger-pointing I checked in on the user myself to make sure he/she wasn't hurt, as the leader of the forum had just bullied this person, and had no idea the mental state and stability of the user, considering anyone here could be going through a very hard time and be easily pushed to the edge, but ignores this potential to pridefully "school" the user instead. Not to mention the very fact that venturing into this domain of spirituality can leave individuals frail, fragile, and on edge, as they could potentially be going through difficult things, like having they're notions of life or death put into question, leaving them more vulnerable than before. And the fact that users of the forum have committed suicide, the leadership of the forum was instead used to bully and point the finger. Also Leo takes assumption in the original message that the user was offended. "The reason you're offended and swarming around like fish because…" Where I verified with the user that he not offended, but more importantly, not hurt. Leo does this often with his users, as he assumes he knows the exact blueprint of completely unique and distinct individual, that display as faceless strangers on an internet forum. To make the matter more hypocritical, Leo Gura had just made posts within two weeks prior that he was looking to "crackdown" on toxicity, drama, and wants to increase the maturity of the forum. Featuring quotes such as: "I've been seeing a lot of needless drama, in-fighting, and toxic communication on this forum of late. This makes the whole ecosystem unpleasant for the majority of members who are decent, respectful, and follow the rules." https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89049-notice-cleaning-up-forum-drama-toxicity/ "Thanks again to those who have been on good behavior from the beginning and never needed such warnings and reminders. I will also be making an effort to improve my communication with you to rise to the level of maturity, wisdom, and respect that you deserve." https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89380-strict-crackdown-on-duplicate-accounts-immaturity/ "This forum will no longer be a safe haven for immature or emotionally unhinged people. Anyone not mature enough to communicate or socialize in a mentally-stable and integrous manner will simply not get to participate around me. If you cannot control your emotions, you're out. If you behave in an egotistical and dogmatic manner, you're out. If you attack other members of this community, you're out." https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89380-strict-crackdown-on-duplicate-accounts-immaturity/ "Every time before you post, as you write your post, I want you to stop and ask yourself, "How is this post just me acting out my ego in the usual ways?", and "Is this post just me venting and justifying my selfishness?" https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89066-reminder-of-why-youre-here/ On page 3 of the thread of the outburst, Leo Gura also continues with his maliciousness but directs it to another user: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/89530-awakened-now-what/?page=3

@Leo Gura How do you personally deal with demons? I have a friend who is interested in the spiritual path and she also wants to try psychedelics, specially lsd. But im scared she might go crazy since she says demons have spooked them in dreams and recently at her house. She is paranoid and is scared of getting stuck in a serious bad trip, specially with some demonic entity who might trick her into comitting suicide.

This is the best response so far. I think you're right. I mean I intuitively know that there are some (okay many) things I don't understand about spirituality. The longer I think about being completely alone the more okay I am with it, and the less I feel like I am a person in the conventional sense. I think that @Sincerity explained it well in another post. "Suicide is the only way to fully awaken, but god instilled me with fear (out of love) so that I don't do that" (not the exact quote btw). Anyway I'm glad there is someone here who both validates my negative experience and gives me the real way out.

Damn man you have to stop with these amazing comments, you’re providing too much value here ? So much value I’m actually considering suicide because of it. ?

Yes we mean the same, I am just unsure how this stuff plays out at high levels I find this tricky, I was there in one report where one guy somehow chased a guy with a baseball bat and seemed to act from god (he was chasing a schizophrenic bum and had a high state experience), what can you make out of this? Shinzen sort of dispelled the illusion as he was so prideful about this incident, sort of as an "act" from god. At least this is my notion of the event. Never unfortunately, I played the video games as a kid . I know it's a shame. I know this is sort of when I reached TIER2 and I notice I have this massive influence and I have to downgrade, as SD Green really does not like natural hierachies at all I noticed. When I then open up, I notice how much b.s goes into these worldviews and how equality in a sense can feel repressive when I look at history etc. It's quiet tricky I can understand from some level, I just know it's very tricky to work with an SD green therapist on SD Yellow issues for example. The lonliness and autodidactivness and lifelong learning, they are so overwhelmed and need this stage blue technical A-Z blueprint it hurts a lot. I really don't think the outlashes are to bad, the ones with the suicide and gun to the head I found was to serious, that is not funny anymore and I've been there. Not with a gun just in extrem situations where I do not even have the option etc. I just don't think some of the group projections he has are healthy and instead of providing hope, this sort of god complex? shines forth. I find it very tricky to navigate this, when I contemplate how serious this is. You basically have to be super good at beign a chamelon and navigating social spaces, professionally. I don't find it easy either, sometimes I make promises I can't keep because I am overestimated the situation and then get scollded in a sense, at one point it's 3 strikes and you are out. Usually I make one strike even 2 in chaos, yet I did not do 3 till now at least. At least the third attempt hits. The point is many here don't realize how f*ed the world is with striver and achiever mentallity and how fortunate it is to have self-questioning greens and how many need a stage blue a-z blueprint, it gives them security a lot. I don't like it either I'd rather explore something unknown, yet during this exploration all kinds of stuff does happen. I wish he would not engage with members like this and focus more on his video then etc. He could cut the b.s more effectively the members he b.s cuts are the ones with the god complex themselves in a sense by saying. I AM TOTALLY AWAKEND ETC. I know what sort of is meant, yet it's tricky to gauge and I wish he would serve at times as a more mature role model who is playful and that is fking hard ngl. Also entertainment and memes are one of the worst epdidemics I find of young adults. It's horrible. I am glad none of this b.s is allowed. It's just when it's so prosaic that there is less room for b.s. Like in a physics class etc.

I've begun to notice a pretty strong fear of sucide in my life. I wouldn't even consider myself sucidal; I never contemplate suicide or anything. Recently I've been suffering from minor depression for the first time in my life, and, while I continue my spiritual path, it's almost like I fear letting go so much that it will eventually lead me to path which ends in my suicide. I also noice I project this fear onto others quite often, imagining that they're hanging on by a thread and I need to watch my behavior around them so I don't push them over the edge. Any thoughts/tips? Anyone experience this before? Thanks for the feedback! I've been meditating for about a year.

@Something Funny @zurew Moving to a friend's house is like committing suicide. There are only three places a woman is allowed to live in in a third world country (especially the more religious it is): Parents' house. Husband's house. The grave.

Yes, don’t use it for childhood trauma. Only for single incidents. I had a friend who had an abusive early childhood, and over the course of her life she slowly improved with different healing methodologies she came upon. Then she decided to go all mainstream, do what the psychiatrist said and get EMDR sessions. She committed suicide after the second or 3rd session. I’m not sure what to think about it exactly, or what happened in these sessions, but what I do know is that EMDR is a very poorly understood “trick” that you have to pay a lot of money for, to the private person who invented it, in order to perform it on people. But the mechanism of action is unclear. And so a run-of-the-mill psychologist can now buy their way into having a fancy session they can offer, and say they work with trauma. Psychiatry is a very young field, we really don’t know what we’re doing. It’s been around for 200 ish years, before that the insane were considered possessed by the devil. I’m of the firm belief that crying heals the brain, and a trauma is something that hasn’t been sufficiently cried over. Because people don’t like to cry, nor can they stand to watch others bawl, because it would remind them of all their own uncried tears, they constantly invent tricks to prevent it, like medication and EMDR, and call them therapy. And they get insanely popular because it helps therapists and patients in the whole wide world avoid tears. Even though the tears are what they need. I’m not sure how EMDR works, what I do know is that you get rhythmically distracted while talking through traumatic memories, and that there’s no bawling. This can only mean that it somehow helps to further the separation of feeling and factual memory, when it comes to traumatic memories (facts and feelings are stored in different locations, we can have factual memories that we have no idea were traumatic because the feeling is disconnected). That’s not healing, that’s a method to help push the pain down further, where it can never be found. If you do this for a car accident because you want to stop having flashbacks, it’s probably harmless and effective. If you do it for childhood trauma, which is a network of different nodes of pain that you need to work through in order to heal, then you’re probably messing up your brain more rather than healing it. Pain always finds a way to create symptoms. When it can’t be connected with its original source (the factual memory, remembering it, crying through and letting it out == healing), it’s unpredictable what it will do but it’s sure going to mess with you in some way. What I said above also goes for hypnotherapy. Hypnosis can be used for good (digging out a blocked memory so we can cry about it), but usually these days it’s used in a harmful way (getting to the traumatic memory and convince the person to see them in a different way, so that they’re not so painful, thereby creating more blockages around the real pain, which is basically hypnotic gaslighting, well-meaning but very misguided)

Constant rejection does undoubtedly cause one to feel very discouraged and demoralized. I almost lost hope after getting by hundreds and hundreds of girls in a row in real life. If I hadn't ever gotten lucky enough to finally get my first ever real girlfriend at 30 years old after years of countless rejection, then I could've either ended up in a hospital for major clinical depression or commit suicide or start taking drugs or drinking alcohol to numb myself from the trauma of failure and being unwanted or resort to paying prostitutes/escorts for the rest of my life or abandon my family to become a celibate monk for life or live alone in the wilderness until I get killed by some wild animal. Who knows what insane and self-destructive thing I really could've done to myself.

Thanks. Makes sense. There is a reciprocal relationship between thoughts (or intellectual beliefs ), emotions (feeling or affect) and behaviors. Feelings generate thoughts which can be experienced as internal dialogue. Internal dialogue, thoughts, can affect the intensity of a physiological response to the environment. Excitement and anxiety may actually be the same physiologically, but it is the label we give our experience, our cognitions which then create the way we experience our experience. But I cannot separate the two. If I believe that life sucks and meaningless and God is an evil mofo asshole..then how can i justify not doing suicide? (this is just an example, I'm neither depressed nor suicidal)

So I was suffering due to lack of girlfriend in my life . A senior told me that you will never get a girlfriend to which I replied that so I must commit suicide. Senior told that go and commit suicide as there is no meaning for existence of a boy like you and you are a disturbing element to girls. Also when I shared this with my friends that I am suffering they scolded me and told that others have their dating life and career handled and you are not like that . And also as I mentioned that I was kicked out of campus that senior told me that that girl abuses me and literally hates me . They also adviced me to not to watch the video of bald headed person - Actualized.org . They also told me that that is western culture and it is India those things won't work here . I am feeling very bad .

Be careful what you wish for. My dad commited suicide and in return I will very likely inherit a 5 bedroom flat in London. It would be helpful if you had a video on grief @Leo Gura I am much more okay then I should be. I don't know if this is because I love my life and am excited for the future especially now as fucked as it sounds. Or if it's because of how I view death, free will and not resisting what is. Maybe it's because I am Loki financially free . Maybe it's because I am actually numb or because I've released all of the emotion of it over the last week. Or maybe it's because I highly value my mental health and I use mindfulness to recognize thought patterns that would cause me pain so I change them. Maybe I just wasn't that attached and close to my dad. Some other thoughts outside my own mind would be nice especially from someone who could relate.

This world is in a really sad state. Natural disasters, climate change, destroyed ecosystems, crime, mass suicide and corruption. Some believe the world can be redreamed into something entirely new once god decides to finally awaken. Do you think heaven on earth is coming and that the world will be redreamed with the return of god or the second coming of Christ which is the realization of Christ consciousness.

Introduction I'm gonna start by exploring that title. I literally just came up with it on the spot but I think it captures the essence of this journal. In a way I've given my life away, and now it's high time I take it back. I look at all the failures of my life and think that, yeah, I gave my life away to these things. I gave my life away to video games, to unhealthy food, to movies, TV shows, internet browsing, alcohol, coffee. Trying to make myself liked by people who will never like me and who I don't even like, hiding my emotions from others and even myself. Getting angry at others and arguing with them but only in my head, never for real, that would be insane. Never, ever, cleaning my room and then my own apartment. Not pursuing anything creative in my life and trying to improve the world in some meaningful way, in fact now I don't even know what I should be doing that would have any kind of meaning! At some point I was just straight up depressed, and attempted suicide. So I very much almost gave my life away completely. And ... I have not healed any of the trauma I've gone through my entire life. So it's over. It's time. I need to take back my life. Some of these things I've already fixed. I've not drunk alcohol for almost a year, I've had a total of maybe five espressos that I didn't finish since early 2020, I haven't played a video game in weeks, and more broadly, when I do play, it's only for maybe a couple hours on like a Sunday afternoon. And also I haven't been depressed for like eight years. I had one experience of very deep sadness that I did consider it depression recently, whereby I was introduced to a group a friends by someone else and they barely even acknowledged me, they just said hello and turned away and talked among themselves. It broke my heart, I'm crying again writing this. I've been exercising pretty heavily for the past few months and I've been going four times a week and for a long time (typically the total workout time actually exercising, including breaks between sets and exercises ofc, is 60 minutes), so I can absolutely say the habit is implanted. Buuuut that's about it. There are a lot of things I really want to improve in my life now that I just haven't been doing. Friday: The Party So alright let's get started, let's talk about some of the recent events of my life. Let's take this weekend as an example. Friday night, there was a big work party, loads of people came. I spent some time with people of my team, with people not of my team. Some people came from another office of the company, I spent some time with them and it was great to see them and hang out with them, they're awesome people. We danced, they drank (I didn't, though they're all hella annoying about this), had an awesome time overall. Took the train home at 5am, literally did the closing. In fact I wanted to go to a night club when I arrived in my home city, but they close at 5. I think I can confidently say I have fun at parties now. Like it's not that parties were never fun to me, but that, since I wasn't fun at parties, that would both ruin other people's experience at the party, and it would make ME not have fun because I was such an unfun person. That's not really the case any more, I don't think. There are still a lot of things to improve, I didn't approach a single person there even though I definitely really could or even should have, I didn't really have a lot of conversations with people and I struggled to come up with things to say. And that's typical for me at parties but, despite all that, I had fun! And that was a huge improvement. Someone from my team this morning annoyed me though, and I need to go on a rant. He told me "You really hyped yourself up even though you didn't drink alcohol". There are SEVERAL THINGS that really piss me off about this. Number 1) He said "hyped yourself up", this is translated from French, but I think, if he meant that I was fun to be around at the party, he wouldn't have used that exact phrasing. Of course, I have very little social skills and experience, so maybe that's what he meant but I don't know. Someone else used the exact same phrase WHILE AT THE PARTY and it didn't feel like they were complimenting me, it felt more condescending to me. And honestly they can fuck right off because THEY'RE not fun at parties either, but I don't go around telling them and other people they're not fun. And, honestly, they're the people I was talking about at the beginning of this post, people who will never like me and who I don't even like. Number 2) He said "without alcohol". BITCH! I have MORE FUN without alcohol! Alcohol makes my head spin, it makes me less socially calibrated, it makes me get drunk VERY VERY VEEERY quickly, it drains my energy, it makes me hungry as hell and then I feel sick with all the alcohol and unhealthy food in my system. This substance is just HOOOORRIBLE to me on SO MANY LEVELS! And I swear the number of people who shit on me so hard for not drinking really pisses me off. These people actually believe that everyone needs to drink alcohol to have fun and even to BE FUN TO BE AROUND. They keep asking me "why don't your drink?", they tell me "life is short and you should have fun while you still can, the clock is ticking", they tell other people "you can't just let me go to a night club with Emrie alone, he doesn't drink!". It is SOOOO ANNOYING to me! Like yeah maybe I'm not too fun to be around right now but I just need to practice it, work on it, have fun with it, and alcohol has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not to mention many of these people knew me when I was drinking and have spent time with me when I was drinking and absolutely know I'm not really fun even when I do drink There are a few more points I want to talk about in regards to the party. I realize I'm spending a lot of time on the party but actually my social life is my overarching, long term, and very difficult project of my life right now. I am literally talking about turning myself into the most sociable, most fun, just generally super-social person that I can be, so that the people who knew me when I was shit (my family, as an example) can look at me and say "wow you've really changed and you have much better social skills now". The first is that I completely busted the limiting belief I have that I need friends to go out. In January of this year I moved to a big city. I got a very sweet place that's deep into the city center. I mean literally the closest night club is a 5-minute walk from my place, then there are 5 more within 5 minutes. There's an area that's all commercial (read bars, clubs, and shops) that's just right there and it's just perfect. But, I haven't been going out and socializing because ... "I don't have any friends". I was telling myself "join a club, join a sports league, go take some X and Y classes, do things that interest you and meet people similar to you, and you'll make friends that way". And of course I was not doing that either because ... well you see McDonald's and reddit are more important. This is all bullshit, the bottom line is I need to bite the bullet and talk to strangers. Risk not being fun, risk running out of things to say, risk being kind of annoying to other people, risk being rejected or not even being acknowledged by other people (see the comment above about the group of friends that made me almost depressed). This will suck, but this is necessary. And I will feel sad on some days, I will likely cry. But I need to do it, it's worth it. And in fact it's becoming more and more non-negotiable that I do it because I can't keep putting it off and making excuses, it's leaving me in quagmire, doing nothing, and realistically making me regress. The second is that this is all so fucking foreign to me. I am SO SCARED. I've never kissed anyone. The most intimate touch I've had with another human being has been a hug, and it's, you know, familial love kind of hug, not romantic love kind of hug. I'm so touch-starved that when someone puts their arm around my neck and shoulders at a party, it just feels so freaking amazing to me, it is truly some of the best moments of my life. So the thought of even just someone else's lips touching mine is freaking me out so much, I am so incredibly scared of it, I don't know how my body will react to it. Is it going to feel amazing, am I going to have a panic attack because I'll just be so fucking nervous from it, am I just going to have a huge boner from it? Like this shit is so foreign to me, it's insane! And I know that I'm not just going to kiss the first person I approach, it'll take a lot of buildup to get to that and by that time I'll probably be much more comfortable with it all but... I'm almost 27 years old and the fact that all of this is something that I have NEVER EXPERIENCED IN ANY WAY is really fucking saddening to me. In fact, even disregarding the whole touch thing, the concept of me approaching a stranger and making conversation with them scares the shit out of me. Like I just have absolutely ZERO experience, I have no clue whatsoever how it's supposed to work, what I'm supposed to say, how I'm supposed to handle myself. Obviously I know this is generally pretty common sense stuff, you know, just talk to each other in some sort of coherent fashion, riff off of each other, try and make them laugh, tell them stories and shit, just very basic typical stuff, you know. But I have no experience so I have nothing in memory to draw from, and it fucking sucks.

I want to share this article with you. Partly just as food for thought partly to make you aware of the fact, that (from a dualistic pov) meditation and non duality work can have potentially dangerous side effects: http://www.pennlive.com/news/2017/06/york_county_suicide_megan_vogt.html Leo did talk about some meditation side effects in his Dark Side of Meditation Video but I think, that there is a general lack of information about this topic. Feel free to share your own stories.

My story: My spiritual journey began at the age of 20 when I had a 3 month episode of severe mental illness. Every moment was a struggle. I tried therapy and medication. In the brink of utter hopelessness I had a monumental epiphany which revealed the existence of the spiritual path, meditation, consciousness, and the hope for a better future. I spent the next 6 years on a spiritual mission. I became deeply engrossed in the spiritual process. Hours of meditation, solo retreats, psychedelics, classic personal development, etc. I was on a completely different plane of existence as everyone else and I was happy as ever. I was making rapid progress. I went to Costa Rica and met an enlightened shaman who told me I was one of 10,000 people who would awaken the world. Of course this fed my ego a bit but also gave me a sense of purpose to stay on the path. I never forgot the episode of mental illness I had that started this whole thing. I come from a family history of bipolar and clinical depression. I have no doubt that I have one these. But it seemed as though somehow I was funneling that vulnerability into massive spiritual progress. I would go through my mind and try to think of situations that could possibly trigger me back down and I couldn’t. I had multiple awakenings and deeply fulfilling experiences. I felt like I was living a blessed life. By the end of those 6 years I felt like I truly had detached from everything. But I was wrong. In the spring this year I received an offer for a dream job. Let me start off by saying that my career as an Engineer was never my passion. It has always been a means to an end. However, I learned to enjoy most aspects of it. I saw a job as a necessary minor evil that I had to work around just like everyone else. I was at peace with that. I got a rare offer for a stress free job with the DOT, one that would give me lots of flexibility, freedom, meeting new people, working from home, etc.. it was basically a stress free job that could allow me to focus more on other things and maintain a healthy balanced life. Concurrently, my current company was in the midst of placing me on a new project, another supposedly good opportunity. This one involved being able to work on my own. There was less flexibility and I couldn’t work from home, but I believed this would make me more disciplined. My intuition told me to go with the first opportunity even though I believed it might make me “lazy” or have less “spiritual progress.” I put in my 2 week and felt an excitement that put me on top of the world. I should have stuck with that intuition. But instead I quit the new job a week in and went back to my old job. I made a knee jerk reaction. I realized later that any new job, no matter how good it is, won’t be exactly how you imagine it to be, especially at first. I had made a mistake I couldn’t reverse. It took about two days before I became conscious of my mistake. It hit me like a ton of bricks and then a continuous descent down a cliff. I became flooded with a hellish state of dread and regret. For weeks I fought moment after moment to be present. I kept telling myself that there was a reason for this pain, that in order to fulfill my destiny of awakening the world, I needed to get through this. During those times I had beautiful awakening experiences. But mostly it was hell. When it was time to go back to my old job, I continued to stay as present as possible. Fortunately, they didn’t have much for me to do at first, so I sat in my car and continued the fight. When it was time to do tasks I still stayed present. But life happened. Eventually I got emotionally crushed because it was impossible for me to simultaneously handle all the negative emotions and life itself. I started taking an anti depressant called Zoloft. It went against all my spiritual beliefs, but at that point nothing mattered. The medication takes about 3 weeks to start working. In the meantime I continued to cycle between extreme low and high consciousness states. It all pinnacled in multiple near suicide attempts. When my parents saw the rope burn around my neck they called my psychiatrist who ordered me to go to the hospital. There’s a lot I could say about my 3 weeks in a mental hospital. I’ll start with the cons. I had to eat garbage food. Institutional food. Little to know greens. Just what you’d expect. I had little to no outdoor time. Fifteen minutes a day inside a cage. That’s all I got. Now here’s the pros. There’s a lot of camaraderie. Everyone there is struggling through something and it really helps to have that sense of constant social connection. It’s like being back in college. There’s also doctors and therapists who come around and ask how your doing, which is nourishing. All in all, I think there’s a lot we can do to improve our mental hospitals. I think we could save a lot of people who would otherwise be crushed. There were people there with high potential if they were only supported properly. While I was in there they put me on another medication. It was an anti psychotic called Olanzapine. This drug is very powerful. It essentially rid me of my overwhelming negative emotions. My mind finally had a sense of control. I’m very grateful for it because it has probably saved my life. It’s also very humbling to admit I need these drugs, but I’ve come to realize what they are: tools. Some people say anti depressants and anti psychotics are like taking insulin. The difference is you can’t consciously control your insulin levels, but you can learn to consciously control your mind. Except when you can’t. Because maybe your mind is running way out of control. That’s when these meds can be of great value. With the help of the meds and the social connection, I left the hospital in a better place. I’ve come to realize where I’m at right now. I know that I have a lot of inner work to do before I can even think about go off the meds, doing psychedelics, retreats, fasting, solitude, or any of the things that I used to be able to do. I’m gonna keep going because what else is there to do. I hope to one day look back and be grateful for this time in my life. I have since taken a step back from watching Leo’s content because it makes me sad. But hopefully one day I can get back there too. I believe there is a reason and an unfolding, to be revealed to those who never give up. Please feel free to post any thoughts or questions.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of this. I'm tired of existing. I don't want to feel any more pain. Gunshot to the head seems like a easy fix. Sucks to feel this way. But I don't see any other choice. I don't want to go though the stuggle of rebuilding my shitty life. I'm just done. I want to not be "me". I want to simply have peace... And I don't want to wait 10 years or whatever meditating to try to get there. Fuck

What a question. I suppose the same way some people don’t even know they are depressed; at some point, your psyche adjusts. You only have a handful of choices, after all. Suicide, obsessively thinking about it, trying to accept that life is misery at the moment, blatant escapism, etc. as someone who has had (diagnosed) depression for a few years now, accepting and saying “I'm depressed" rather than saying “I have depression” is one of the worst mistakes someone trying to overcome any mental illness can possibly do. Depression is no more a part of who your are than any other illness is. You need to believe that it can and will get better. I truly promise you that it will. But, with that being said, it is going to take some serious determination on your part. Just don’t ever give up. So, in summary, it is entirely possible to accept depression as a part of yourself, but it is one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. I truly hope this helps. Just keep telling yourself that it will get better (as corny and cliche as that saying is) and that accepting that you are depressed rather than having depression is going to make you situation worse. And if you arent already, please talk to somebody. I hope you get better

I want the NO BULLSHIT explanation of what really happens after suicide. Is such information possible to find? Or is doing it the only way to find out. I've scoured the web and don't find anything!! All I get is modern mental health professionals talking shit. I want the actual spiritual explanations of what happens I’d like it if you could share with me some stuff online from mystics talking about this. Many different sources so I can compare and see if there’s some truth in what they say and some common thread. I need to research more before I make a decision so if you guys could help I’d much appreciate it, thanks

@Leo GuraI understand that life can be very hard especially health issues, I my self have multiple mental ilnesses and still seriously consider suicide every couple of days but what I don't understand is that you did like 300 trips and you meditated a lot, how on earth such things still affect your happiness, aren't you supposed to be invinciple . Maybe your relatively low baseline is the problem, maybe this shows greatly the limitations of the psychedelic approach Or is it that suffering cannot be practically transcended by humans?

Okay, i'm gonna do it thanks. It has to do with my emotions, any negative emotion increases it. Although with my condition I think I need more like 2-4 hours per day of meditation for it to work enough, and then also some walking meditation on top of that. Its pretty bad, my body is already aging faster than normal, I feel like I'm dying I'll probably develop cancer soon if I don't do something to fix it. If I stop for a period of time of healing, the anxiety bounces back stronger than ever even after all that healing work like it was all for nothing, and if I stop for even a month, the anxiety becomes too overwhelming, I can't function properly let alone hold a job, suicide starts to become pretty attractive at that point. So i'm really gonna have to go all the way with this meditation work, even make some sacrifices of responsibilities so I can have more time to put into meditation.

@bloomer I should probably share my experience with autism. Sometimes it feels disempowering when I realize how much of my behavior it explains. It makes me feel like I'm not in control and free will is an illusion. This is reinforced by other people who are afraid of what they don't understand. No matter how hard I try to be good, I will inevitably be corrupt in some way from another perspective. I literally am good, but not all finite forms of love and goodness compute with one another, thus creating conflict. I spend most of my time isolated because I don't normally see value in interacting with other people. I have limited interests and people often bore me to death with small talk and day to gossip. If someone is trying to teach me something new about subjects like chess, psychology, emotions, philosophy, society, or something I find interesting, then I see value in interacting with them. I was bullied on several occasions as well. It stopped once I was around a few friends. Groups are simply too intimidating to attack. The kid without friends who sits isolated from others will often be bullied. This is how I naturally behaved, making me an easy target on so many occasions. Sometimes my literal interpretations would get me into trouble by making people think I'm a smartass. This includes the assistant principal. Unfortunately, the suicide rates are disturbing. I have been suffering from a mild form of depression for basically my entire life. I was never happy with my life as child. Maybe it would have been better if dad didn't flee the state to avoid paying child support. My life has pretty much always felt hollow and it makes it harder for me to find my purpose as well. I had lots of suicidal thoughts before, but I know I would never act on them. They have subsided. I could give more details, but I won't make this too long. I hope one day I find a way to cure the constant mild depression.

I think you're jumping to a conclusion. Stating the effects survival had on men and women does not in any way show you how you're supposed to behave. I can see this renouncing all power because I don't want to partake in this system (this is essentially suicide) or I can seek as much power as humanly possible because that's the nature of things (Genghis Khan path). Insights are beautiful, but don't take them as prophecy.

You sure about that man? I can think of countless examples of (primarily) men raping, killing, pedophilia, and committing suicide - because of (not explicitly) abstaining from masturbation and generally sexually repressing themselves. I think you've got rose-coloured glasses on and have no idea how elementary a body function like ejaculation is. The Catholic Church have been doing NoFap for thousands of years, and they are likely the #1 offender for sexually abusing children and women on the planet. I imagine doing it on a scale larger than criminal organizations like sex trafficking, or warlords in hellhole African nations.