zazen

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  1. Everything that exists is true because it exists. Right now the way you are is the way you are, is truth. I guess when we are told to be ourself it means to be our best selves, we all have the potential to be more. To ACTualise we must ACT. You have POTENTial in you which is potent but only when it is realised. Right now it just a seed, action is the water and nourishment that will sprout that seed. Being needy and nice is your true self now, but it is not all you could be. Love yourself as you are now, but also love what you could be. Self accept, then self improve. We all have needs, but to be needy doesn't help us meet those needs, life is counter-intuitive. A needy person wants 100% of his needs met by others, a healthier person who still has needs but isn't needy, has met at least some portion of those needs himself (say 50%) through his own actions and life, and so when you meet people they don't feel the burden of having to fulfil you, most people are also struggling to fulfil themselves. Meet your own needs first and make yourself feel good through exercise, meditation, good diet and sleep, have passions and hobbies you enjoy, watch comedy and laugh, read good books and write. Get into nature. Then from a strong position its possible to love people and women, and not just the idea of them.
  2. Found this interesting. What is a healthy masculine/feminine? Quoted ''The worst men take on traits of the negative feminine, and the best women take on traits of the positive masculine, whilst the best men take on traits of the positive feminine, and the worst women take on the traits of the negative masculine. Men with negative feminine traits are petty, scheming and entitled. Men with positive feminine traits know gentleness and nurturing. Women with negative masculine traits become willful and arrogant Women with positive masculine traits use logic and hold themselves accountable. Whilst it is a woman's nature to view things emotionally, a highly developed woman can engage reason to act with more fairness. Whilst it is a man's nature to view things practically, a highly developed man can engage compassion to tend to the pressing emotional needs of others. The highly developed woman who can engage reason will never be as logical as the typical man, but she is more so than her sisters. The highly developed man who can engage compassion will never be as emotionally sensitive as the typical woman, but he is more so than his brothers. A woman without emotion would cease to be a woman, and therefore we would not want her to be completely rational, in much the way a man who is very emotional would become too meek, and therefore cease to be a man. Neither's consumed by the other. They possess a helpful fraction. A man who complains women aren't logical enough would not be attracted to a cold logical woman devoid of feminine warmth, in much the way a woman who complains men are too unemotional would not be attracted to a fragile, easily upset sensitive man devoid of male stoicism. The optimal balances or ratios are thus something akin to the pareto principle, with your core nature comprising 80% of what you are, whilst the learned positive attributes of the opposite sex that did not come naturally to you comprise the remaining 20%.''
  3. Great your seeing a therapist, keep it up! I guess it was generalised but of course there are exceptions. Also, society conditions us to also expect this idealised type of love which is unfair both to men and to women for pressuring them to deliver on that. Romanticism, disney and religion played on this idea of the romanticised ideal of love or that theres the 'one' in order to keep marriages lasting. This idea of the 'one' leads to distress and depression to those who believed in it totally only to be cheated on or left. In reality, there are many 'ones' we can be with. Realise, the body may need a mate, the mind may need a mate, but your soul doesn't need a mate for it is non dual. In the past, we lived in tight knitted communities and tribes so we would get different needs met by a number of people. Today as we are more individualised and have less stronger social ties we expect the other partner to be everything for us such as friend, confidant, therapist, mother/father, business partner, soul mate, intellectual etc. Be social in general and have friends, this way you don't put such burdens on single people or your future partner. Nice defined ; from Old French, from Latin nescius ‘ignorant’, from nescire ‘not know’. Be good, not nice or a jerk. Those are both extremes. What is the nice guy ignorant of : of himself, being in touch with himself or his true nature of which there is the lower and the higher, the animal and the divine, the beast and the bhudda. Women essentially seek strength in its many forms, great strength comes from integration within ourselves. Jerks are in touch only with their animal self (their balls), however they still signal strength on a primal level which is why they get the girls. Nice guys are too in their mind and cutting themselves off from their lower nature and so no primal strength is there, only intellectual strength. The good guy is in touch and integrated with all, the balls the head and the heart and so signals the most strength. Women don't like the guy to be the jerk, they like the strength and power that comes with it. You can show strength and power in a healthy manner. Don't be nice, don't be ignorant, become aware of your true self. When you get in touch with yourself and become integrated, you will have power and strength. Exercise to get in touch with your body, do loving kindness meditation to get in touch with the heart and have compassion, continue to understand reality for what it is not what you wish it to be, to get stronger mentally, meditate to get stronger spiritual by connection to soul. And then to communicate that value to the outside world and women, get stronger socially. It's not enough to just have value, social skill skills is about communicating that value.
  4. It is natural to fear that which has control over you and your emotions. The pain of getting pleasure (from a partner) is in trying to maintain that pleasure, keep it, and the pain that would come after losing that pleasure. Pain and pleasure go hand in hand, the rose comes with thorns. That is why, after a few relationships people become distrusting and harder to open up / become vulnerable to another partner because the previous times they did, they got hurt in the process of losing that person. Relationships and heartbreak work in a similar manner to addictions, the other person becomes a source of pleasure for you, and once that source goes away you can have withdrawl, and so need to seek those good emotions / pleasurable feelings elsewhere. You have to self generate it through exercise, meditation, laughter, good diet, friends etc. To let yourself get emotionally invested in someone and give your heart to them, there has to be a high level of trust that they will have your best intentions in mind or else they could cause a lot of pain. It is natural to fear that which can cause pain. This fear can be managed, and in relationships with high trust mitigated although never entirely. Even in deep relationships between man and woman, the fear may not be in that the person will hurt them intentionally, but the fear of death taking that person away always exists, consciously or subconsciously.
  5. It is a constant battle for men, especially as emotion follows sex. We can start to fall for the girl easily, and this is our biology at work, hijacking our minds clarity which oxytocin induces upon our psyche. Also our protector instinct kicks in, our body thinks we'v mated with this girl and so she is carrying our genes/babies and so we feel the pull to start protecting/providing. Here comes the boyfriend behaviours, which signals to her that you are here to stay for the long haul, expectations raise, feelings get hurt when those expectations aren't met. This is why, its in your and the girls best interest (not to lead them) to have some abundance. If you sleep with one girl your biology/psychology will fixate on her as she's the only source of your offspring and genes surviving. If your sleeping with multiple (not like a sleaze ball, say even just two) your biology won't worry as much/fixate on one girl as you have other women for your offspring/genes to survive. Just a theory lol.
  6. Not unconditional in the absolute sense, speaking generally to get a point across. This is semantics and definitions, maybe a better word isn't unconditional but less. The love towards and for your child has less conditions, but the environment you'd wished they'd be safe in is highly conditional for that very reason. More conditions are directed at the environment being safe for them then, and less towards the child. The condition for the child is that they listen to your guidance and lessons in being safe, but far more conditions/variables are at play in the environment you have less control over. What condition would reduce your love for your child, if their not behaving properly? Parents love their children even at their worst due to the maternal instinct which has less conditions on their love for child, than for their man. It doesn't mean their love for the child is unconditional, just less conditional.
  7. That was a copy paste from elsewhere, not my words, hence the quotation marks. The author wasn't referring to love with a capital L whether they are even aware of it or not but more so biological realities of male/female dynamics. Love is fluid and can change, what starts as romantic love in relationships often becomes familial, and so the sex / attraction dries up as incest isn't natural. Keeping this romantic love alive takes effort, understanding and work on both parties. It's not higher, lower its different kinds of love. Of course man also has conditions for his love, but women come with a much greater list of conditions and rightly so for they are more vulnerable and have more to lose in the birthing process. By nature they need to be selective in choosing a mate. Women are more unconditional in their love towards children. The forms love take are equally different. Equal in value, yet different in practice. Like the fingers on your hand, they are all different yet equally valued for their role.
  8. Most other types of love include pain to an extent as they are impermanent. The pain of pleasure is in trying to maintain that pleasure, fear of losing that pleasure, and eventually losing that pleasure. Lower case love is in flux and in relationships has to be constantly worked at and maintained. The only permanence is impermanence when it comes to lower case love. Thats why pure love, with a capital L that Leo talks about is really what we all seek and will bring peace. This is derailing the thread so will stop replying at this level of detail lol.
  9. Love is so fine it can't be defined, we can at least attempt to put the limitless into the limits that is our logic and to have some grasp of reality. Love with a capital L at least doesn't come to an end, it is a process. The other kinds of love (lower case) animal, familial etc do as they are bound by form. We are bound by the boundaries of biology and the material and yet, something more in us is boundless. @Gesundheit2 nice share!
  10. It can on a biochemical level, but there are different types of love. The english language is poor compared to others in defining love, for example arabic has 10 types of love, or latin has eros/romantic, agape/unconditional, philia/friend love. It is a thought, emotion, physical and metaphysical all at once. Hard to define and yet we must define it for it is always, in all ways.
  11. Lesson in this: even if a man is of value, it doesn't matter to a woman unless the woman believes she at least has some access to it or chance of securing it. The essential value of men is strength in all its forms (physical, financial, emotional, mental, social etc). Women wish to secure that strength. As a guy, you must communicate and offer that value in the form of showing at least some attention, initiative, and that you wish to be strong for her. A woman who feels a valuable guy is too unattainable will stop pursuing and move on.
  12. When interacting with women its best to be in the moment as its more a emotional / energetic affair and to not be trapped up in the head. Analyse after the interactions. As your logical you may want to understand human nature which will help dispel any grandiosity women may have and therefore help you to be more relaxed around them. Use your own proclivity of being logical, to study nature, accept it, and act accordingly to it. The following may help de-pedestalise women for you. Not to put down women, but just to see them for what they are, not below or above men. If you view them as above you, you won't attain them because they aren't attracted to weakness, but if you view them as below you, how can you healthily love that which you look down on or detest. ''A subset of high value men who don’t commit beyond sex, have a very rosy-perception of women because they’ve got their game down enough not to face too much difficulty getting laid. These men enjoy the best of what women have to offer without being subject to any of the bullshit attached to it; this gives them a positively skewed bias. Perhaps some men are bitter, but bitter rarely means wrong, if anything, bitterness is the unwelcome by-product of a hard learned lesson, it is neither unwarranted nor devoid of wisdom. This is not to encourage bitterness, but rather to give credit where credit is due. Instinct obscures truth when it comes to the study of women, men are overridden by idealism, lust and paternalism and feel if they accept the darker nature of women then they have to hate women and won’t be able to enjoy them. Therefore a man is prone to retain the myth of the idealised women rather than accept nature, because he wrongly believes acceptance of nature is tantamount to an inability to enjoy women. This is not true at all, sometimes one has to accept reality is not what they want it to be, that women are not angelic as so many men were wrongly taught, but that in fact women are flawed just as men. It’s about a recalibration of expectations to complement reality, rather than continuing to worship the unicorn myth that society has so deeply ingrained. In spite of this realisation, you have to make a commitment to your happiness and make the best out of the flawed nature of human kind. If you can’t or won’t do that, you’re going to go your own way and prove nature right: you need illusions to see women as worthwhile. The inability to grasp and accept nature, instead choosing to reject nature, indicates the person in question has to deceive themselves about the nature of women in order to be capable of enjoying them. Such a person is not at the stage where they can enjoy women, whilst accepting how flawed nature can be, or their idealism of it. Salvation lies in accepting and working in accordance with nature, rather than in denying it. Where woman idealism may stem from Nature plays a cruel trick on the psychology of man. It gives him a very pure, high quality love in his childhood. It gives him a template for woman’s love that he comes to expect as standard of all women. He is taught by his mother’s love that unconditional loyalty, noble character, gentleness, sacrifice and trust are intrinsic of the feminine essence. And so as he grows from a boy into a man he comes to the rather logical conclusion that if he is “a good man,” he can expect to be loved by his lover in much the same way. His mother, well-meant but quite incorrectly likewise affirms this notion to him. This is a wicked lie, but a man whose heart is yet to be broken does not realise this. He thinks woman’s love is immutable. He knows not that her love for child is different from that of her love for him. Women are incapable of reciprocating man’s love. They love differently. There is a hierarchy of love that trickles down. Man sacrifices for woman, and woman, for child. Rarely does the river flow upward. As such, if man is to believe that women can love to the same extent as he, then he is doomed to disappointment and misery when she invariably acts within accordance of her nature rather than his idealisation. Men who had mothers that never endowed them with the maternal bond find it easier to swallow the truth and understand female behaviour as adults. It is a recurring observation of mine that men deprived of maternal love are better adapted for dealing with women as mates in adulthood. The man who grew up as a neglected boy never foolishly believed that a girlfriend would love him as his mother would, he believed she would love him exactly as his mother did; with extreme conditionality. Essentially man has to be stronger, for it is security she lacks being the more vulnerable sex, and seeks this in man. Children rely on women, women on man, man on himself and his strengths. If I could pin point / generalise the nature of women and men it would be this: women seek to secure strength, men seek to express strength. A lot of male/female behaviour can be explained with these two principles. Love women for what they are, not what you idealise them to be. ''
  13. Generalisations are more useful than nuance in grasping reality, reality is nuanced but if you try to take in all of the nuance you get noise, unless your looking into a specific individual. We have to find ways to generalise all of the information we receive to be able to understand to an extent and then act, otherwise there will be paralysis by analysis. Every man and woman has a hardware (their biology) which is the same for all men and woman, then there is the software (their psychology, individual experiences etc) which is on top and interplays with it and makes everyone unique, but not so unique some fundamentals don't change. Everyone is the same, and yet everyone is the different. Woman's baseline experience of life is from fear, even man is fearful. But woman more so for the other half of the population want to in seminate her, are stronger than her, and this handicaps her for months for child rearing only instilling further fear for she can't fend for herself even more. Woman had to depend on man and tribe more than men, this is why their more sociable than men. Heres a video of teal swan going into this experience of life as a woman also:
  14. This. Don't neglect dating all together as its a need and you don't want to get rusty or into scarcity. I'd add that your words have to be congruent with your actions. If you tell girls your not looking for anything serious, but with your actions you show otherwise you will be leading them on although unconciously. I made this mistake in the past, my actions were boyfriendish (because I enjoyed being affectionate in that way) although I said I'm not looking for a relationship. This is why its important to see more than just one girl, as your more likely to develop feelings yourself if you only have one girl and then start behaving overly affectionate giving her false expectation, despite verbalising differently. Your feelings will lead you on, which will lead her on, which will hurt her in the end.
  15. I may not be fully correct but will give it a shot at my current level of understanding. Its not impossible, but more improbable. Due to evolution men have a greater ability to abstract/understand/use logic, its not that it doesn't exist in women, just less so. Women are more emotion centric than men, generally in conversation you hear women say I feel rather than men who say I think. Women survival was based on securing the strength of men, mens survival was based on securing the hostile environment. For men to control the environment they had to be more rational/logical and understand the environment, this evolved logic in men over Millenia. For women to control/secure men for survival they require emotionality, social bonding, sexual prowess, their survival relied heavily on their ability to socially bond to the tribe and man. Women are more likely to intuit something, whereas men are more likely to reason something. Women's love is focused more towards themselves and their children, this was a necessary result of a feminine survival instinct that’s helped preserve women and their offspring in a violent, chaotic and uncertain evolution. Mans love for conquering the environment was his survival instinct, he had no one else to rely on except his own strength and that of other men. In general, love flows downwards from men to women, women to children. That is why mans love is more sacrificial/idealistic and the male (even in the animal world) sacrifices for the female. (ie certain male species die after breeding or men go to war to protect women and children). Woman must be protected because they are the life givers and the only way to fulfil the biological instinct to propagate the species. Woman's love is more opportunistic/conditional as it had to be in order to survive, although her love for her children is idealistic/unconditional. This is why the hero's journey or the hero who dies for his family resonates so much. We can see mans sacrificial/unconditional love in animal species, to man going to war, to the conception of a child (sperm dying to reach the egg), to the heroic stories/narrative in culture / hollywood, to him giving up his instinct to sleep with multiple women for the sake and security of one woman and his family, and now to the court system where it is sided to the woman who has more to gain than lose in a divorce. This idealistic/unconditional love men envision and live through comes from their first experience of woman being their mother, men project that this is the love he will receive from all women or his wife only to realise the true nature / hierarchy of love, and that unconditional love flows down not up. This is of course a more biological love than a spiritual love which is unconditional.