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@integral it's coming up again. The feeling that I hate my entire family came up. I could tell them that I have been hiding in my room for so long because I believed them to be degenerate. I am trying to form an emotional connection to others, but when I try what comes up is hatred, depression, and suicide. If I could somehow change myself without telling them, then I guess it would be fine. I'm trying to change like I always have been, but it doesn't work. The reason I don't socialize much us because I don't want others to change me or influence me. I don't trust most people to be high quality people. I have looked down on most other humans my entire life. I look down on myself as well for failing to find a higher purpose that fulfills me in life. I can never be fulfilled with any purpose if depression kills my joy. I'm opening myself up, but it is a hectic process. I'm sorry if I annoy you with the same story. My morals do not apply to today and they cause me a lot of problems. I say I hate myself a lot, but it feels more true to say I hate my family. I probably shouldn't tell them that yet.

These past few months I’ve gone through a pretty bad life crisis. I feel stuck, lost, and hopeless. I am questioning everything and it has gotten too a point where it is debilitating and taking away from every other aspect of my life. Everything is falling apart and I feel hopeless. Reality seems so scary right now. And I don’t know what to do other then rant about my problems and hope someone can at least offer some guidance or perspective. [Originally, this post was a long a** rant that I spent about 15 mins just writing. It was messy and very chaotic, so I took the paint points of the rant and made a bullet-point summary.] Homeschooling Trauma No social life / friends Bad social anxiety Cheating throughout online school, and forgetting the things I did learn and fear of lack of essential and necessary education before entering college. Life is bleak and others pity me FOMO on teenage / HS experiences Existential Crisis Based on Nihilism Fear of death Fear of wasted time / further wasting time and not spending it correctly, not making use of every moment. And not knowing how or why to even spend it correctly. My existence feels futile and mundane but also confusing without meaning, it all feels meaningless Fear of dying without knowing everything there is too know about everything Feeling insignificant and useless in a literal and existential way Afraid I cannot go back to how I was mentally and physically with these realizations. I feel doomed. I can't continue with regular life anymore, I keep thinking about how it all doesn't matter and how I won't possibly solve all these issues and that I'm just living a distraction. It's all a distraction. All cope. I feel paralyzed. And how can I live knowing how *** up our world is. Mental Health Feeling of depression and suicide. Chronic and debilitating procrastination that has ruined every aspect of life, caused me too go days without doing school work or even basic tasks like showering, and has put me behind in school, my previous goals, basic *** like attending college orientations, changing clothes, sleeping and life in general. Overeating and excessive weight gain Extreme insecurities regarding physical appearance (looks, acne, weight, height), have fallen into the "blackpill" rabbit hole and it's made me very depressed. Loneliness: virgin, friendless, loveless Cases of ghosting from perceived friends that have happened in more then one instance Negative experiences with therapy and doubts about its practical, ethical, and scientific legitimacy. The realization my loved ones may also be struggling just as bad as me Life Crisis Regarding Future (School, Career, Finances, Personal) Fear of going too college because of social anxiety and it being a repeat of high-school loneliness and suffering. Insecurities involving the prestige and price of school as well as major choice not being a good fit, being too hard, and useless Unsure if college is right for me and feel like I am going in blind The desire too play college soccer but the reality of not being recruited and me not realistically making my team due to skill issues, development issues, and the fact my school is a high level team and I barely played in HS. Hopelessness when it comes too dreams I’ve had as a kid (soccer, music, content creation, entrepreneurship) shattering against reality and never coming true. The realization of probability / determinism / luck / insane skill I may not posses in regards too hopes and dreams / unfairness of capitalist system has killed my hope. I will die never accomplish these and any sliver of hope is delusion. But, I cannot live with this notion. It hurts to realize not everything is possible. Fear of being average and never accomplishing remarkable feats. Fears of being doomed to wage slavery and being poor for the rest of my life just like I am now. Afraid I won’t be able to provide for my family and / or follow passions and be a failure in life like I already am. Finding self improvement, goals, and even continuing life itself futile and so confusing with all this hopelessness and uncontrollable factors that seem to not favor me. This is causing me too feel stuck and unsure what my “next steps” are, I’m just living day by day and I am clueless. I want answers.

there was a time and place when I thought you were my forever or at least my next ten years, but a voice in my heart told me no so I listened and lived in a hellscape of my own making. and a little miracle seeing our old friends made it all come back when I thought I was good. and I hope you hear this, I hope a part of you can hear this. because life’s been tough, yeah it tried to kill me but I’m still here, still dreaming, still doing this human thing wondering how long until I forget. so I took the pain and put it in these words and sounds , took my music and played it for the universe to listen hoping God forgives me for whatever I did to deserve a pain so deep it kills you. not suicide no the hurt literally kills you, died so many times of a broken heart in the last two years or so but shit’s been pretty straight since may. I just pray that you hear it. I know you can hear it. and in case you can’t now I gotta release it.

just try it out. I know someone with fibromyalgie, ADHD; heavy depression, suicide thoughts, diagnosed psychosis, daily panic attacks, weekly migraine attack and social anxiety (not leaving home for month) who tried psychedelics many times during this dark phase, even high doses. It all went well, after two years of using heavy psychedelics (around 50-100 trips with all kind of drugs include 5 meo, ketamin, mdma) the one is almost healed from any of these issues. I need to add the one was not on any pharmaceutical drugs like antidepressants and had high spiritual intelligence. Also all trips were with a trip sitter (me). So security was always there

My family has a history of mental health - including bipolar disorder, depression, and suicide. I have all of these symptoms and have been able to control myself mentally during psychedelic trips. You have to be very conscious of how psychedelics are affecting you mentally and if it appears to not be improving, take a break and move on to another psychedelic at a small dose. You just have to be very selective and mentally prepared. Take small doses, scale up safely, and ensure you are mentally comfortable and of course, not taking medication with certain psychedelics.

Is wanting ego death like wanting suicide? Does it mean Leo wants to commit (internal) suicide and wants others to see him do it? I think being dead and alive at the same time is cool.

You can also indirectly kill people with your words and worldview. Think of all the LGBT folks who have died by suicide due to their family essentially shitting on them. The same folks who would spit such vile crap are the same ones who will justify that psychedelics are terrible and should be banned.

There is no individual being. You are the whole. It just appears that way. So, you are in conflict with yourself not Mother Nature. You are still in separation consciousness, which is fine for experiencing and exploring parts of Infinity, not recognizing this, is where your conflicts are arising from. You are predicting cells' behavior, so apparently you believe in a divine intelligence which makes this possible; but you are not applying that to your own existence and denying yourself as the Source from which things appear. God doesn't love or hate you because God doesn't make those distinctions, the mind does. Since God is love, it doesn't know hate because hate is a duality the mind creates. God doesn't know suicide because it cannot kill itself because it is all there is. You are denying yourself as Source. The lack of love you feel from God is a direct reflection of the lack of love you are giving to yourself.

@Rishabh R @Sincerity Yea good points. I thought about it and nature has to be both selfish and not selfish at the same time to maintain the symbiotic relationship. For example all the cells in our bodies lives in symbiosis. If a cell becomes to selfish it becomes a cancer. If it is not selfish the cell doesn’t have will to survive. I’m still not convinced Mother Nature or god loves us. It loves the whole. And we as individual beings aren’t that important. That is why god won’t stop you if you want to commit suicide. It cares about the whole. Not about one part of reality which is the ego.

@TheCloud I talked with my mom. I just discovered that my father was even worse than I previously believed. First of all, when Mom and Dad had sex it was statutory rape. Furthermore, my father coerced me into committing multiple crimes including felonies. He threatened to disown me if I did not swear to secrecy as he committed several crimes to avoid paying child support. All I wanted was to be good, and I was emotionally manipulated into lying on behalf of my father. I still feel a lot of resentment toward myself. I logically understand that my dad is a horrible person, but I love him anyway. I am starting to sound mad at my dad though. My defense is that I was forced to figure out life for myself because I never trusted my family. I had no guidance but my own. My family was never a good example, but I wanted to be a good person anyway. I'm slowly starting to see how human I am as I loosen my unrealistically high expectations of myself. The function of me hating myself is to prevent me from doing anything wrong by creating a lot of suffering for myself. This is why I'm miserable. I just feel like such a victim and I desperately want to be in control of my life so I blame myself. I sometimes feel mad at God for being unfair. At the same time I really value the truth and being the best person I can be. I know its hard to love as God would, but that is what I want to do. I wrote about some of this in the spirituality section, and I don't seem to be ready for spirituality. The reason my mind is so inflexible is because my harsh self judgements are designed for my survival. I could not live with myself if I became like my family. I'm trying to open up to my family. Its going to be hell in the short term, but I have been suffering hell all my life. I have been trying everything to make the suffering stop. My family is completely oblivious to a lot of trauma. They seem to be partially open to me finally coming out of my shell and expressing myself. My relationships will always feel hollow if nobody knows who the hell I am. They act like they don't want me to bottle up my emotions until I stop bottling up my emotions. I swear to God I'm always doing the best I can, but I hurt so badly and I don't want to be a victim. The truth is that I feel completely depressed and defeated. I don't have any control over my life. Suicide gives me a sense of being in control. Hating myself also gives me a false sense of being in control. I have been lost in a meaningless existence for my entire life struggling to find purpose in anything. I have been walking around with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. Nobody knows a damn thing about me.

@Yimpa i know pouting dosent get you anywhere i was pouting in my room for 8 years. It would have led to my suicide had i not tried mushrooms. Being a victim makes you a victim.

I'm actually fucking sick of this. Done everything I know in the book so far. Meditation, learning forgiveness, mindfulness practices, letting go. I have constant flashes in my day to day about shit with my mother and violent arguments that transpired. It doesn't matter whether I'm in good spirits or having a really depressive episode - it always happens. I've watched almost every actualized video related to this predicament. I can understand things like letting go and that the past is a concept on an intellectual level. But I don't feel it. I can't FEEL. All I feel is VIOLENCE and SHIT day after day. If I'm truly this far gone then what else can be done? Are some people just lost causes? At this point in time I feel I can either check myself into the emergency room for the fucking fifth time for having a manic episode like this. Or if suicide isn't part of the equation I can just self-medicate on alcohol/drugs and become a zombie again. What am I doing wrong here? I keep telling myself just to stop thinking about it all. When that doesn't work I tell myself to let it in/just allow it. Neither seems to work. My default state is a fucked up loser who just physical juts and reacts as if the fights are happening for real over and over again.

Hello, after every interaction with attractive women I get frustrated to the max. In my opinion women are dumb, too emotional for proper communication and extremely arrogant, especially attractive ones. I think that our society is fucked because of social media. Attractive women get way too much validation from stupid needy men, so they don't even have to work on themselves. No one cares when they behave like assholes. But men have to bring so much to the table to stay attractive and this pisses me off. Until I was 19 I had nothing sexual going, no kisses, nothing. I rejected many girls because I wanted the first one to be "perfect". First girlfriend with 19 then was extremely toxic to me, she had borderline, bulimia etc. Long story, but I guess you can image how she behaved with the mentioned disorders. 14 months pure torture, I was way too needy because I thought she was perfect. But the only thing that was perfect was her looks. After that I was dating about 10 other women through tinder because I was too shy to approach women in real life. But this was just for fun, I didn't want a relationship. Then there was another attractive woman with borderline and she broke me again. And after that I was dating a woman who was relatively thick and I thought that it was impossible for me to be with someone like that in a relationship, but we matched really well and I was surprised. I wanted to start a relationship with her and she broke me as well. She had red flag written all over her like all the other women I have dated before. But I was naive, nobody told me what red flags are. She basically went into a relationship with a "friend" of her. Only my second and last girlfriend was able to communicate good. She wasn't doing too many shit tests and our relationship was easy-going as it should. Unfortunately I had to leave her because of some things that disturbed me, frequent weed smoking and other drug consumption. Plus I didn't find her attractive because of the way she behaved and her looks, I'd say she was a little too "masculine" for me. I just got into the relationship because she forced me into it and I thought why not. After six months I had to end it and we are still really good friends, feels like a brother and sister connection, nothing sexual, she even has a boyfriend who really loves her and I'm grateful that they have found each other. I've done many therapies, had three months of coaching for 3000€ and it went pretty well. I can finally approach women when I really want to. I've finally come to the conclusion that I am not the issue, that's what I always thought before. I feel like society is only getting worse as I mentioned above. Women did not have any rights in the past, now I feel that they have too much power, it's unbalanced. We went into the other extreme. I think it should be 50/50, but it isn't. And I'm not sure if this is going to balance out while I am still alive. That's why I have suicide thoughts way too often. I've never tried killing myself and I hope that I never will but if that does not change in the next few years, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel in the future. All this work, all this self improvement and pain, I really have made much progress the last few years, especially the last year but it hurts that it does not get recognized by women. Only by myself and my friends, you may think that this should be enough but for me it isn't. I know that there are really beautiful women out there with top tier character, but I feel like they are way too rare or most of them already in a relationship. At least in the cities I've lived in, in Germany. I just want to be more attractive to women so I can have some fun, go on dates and finally have a girlfriend that fits me. I'm eating well, I do sports, built some muscle, look good and I try to approach women here and there. But somehow I'm not attractive enough for them, I either get no response via chat or they annoy me because of too many shit tests and I know they wouldn't do as many tests if they were sure that I'd be good enough for them. So... enough crying, let me ask a goal oriented question: How can I accept this mean and unfair world? Or how can I change the way I think about the world? I'm missing positive experience with women. Sorry for this negative talk, but this is my mind and I have to live with it every day. I just want to be more of my higher self and connect more with women. Thanks for reading. Best regards, Lukas

Is this a faster way to reach turquoise/have no identity? Why spend so much time to destroy it? Would this even work? Would i be happy?

Ye rapper ( i dont follow him that much, much more accurrate examples can be shared. Figure who is Mature and who isnt Logic's speech on MTV after performing 1-800-273-8255 ( the title of the song is the number for suicide prevention call center)

WARNING: If you are sensitive to serious subjects, such as self harm, please consider discontinuing your participation in this thread. I had this kind of outrageous thought of enlightenment in relation to actual suicide. I am aware this might be a sensitive subject, however, I think challenging the fear of reasoning about serious things could lead to the apex of enrichment in one's personal development. So, if you've successfully managed to become enlightened, it seems as this is pretty close to actual suicide. I can only imagine that there is someone who went one step further in this quest. Anyone that have any reasonings concerning identity suicide in relation to physical suicide, and want to discuss, go ahead.

It's hard to convey my love of cannabis. If you the worst that comes of using this plant it not accomplishing goals, becoming lazy, that's actually wonderful. Some people , like me, create whole imaginary worlds, very different from the human dream. The laws of physics change, this other world is so uhman, so alien from consensus reality. Inhabiting it for years is like suicide. My soul craves Earth, humans, and relationships. People can't read your mind in the human dream. It feels invasible when people start reacting to your thoughts in such an obvious and tangible way. The weed dream was fun. I love it. Better psychedelics, meditation, and Love can give me everything I want. I need some sex. I need a girlfriend. I need normal days. I need a quiet dream. The cannabis dream is so loud, so shakti, so crazy and anxious. So awe inspiring, so consuming.

Hello, My name is Gabriel, I'm 30 years old. Every day since I was a teenager, I've had thoughts about torture. The images and dialogues are - infinite possibilities of how to be tortured. - thinking about all those who are being tortured now, knowing that it's me - knowing that I am Everything and that I see through every eye & that there IS endless ways to be tortured and will be even worse when science will be able to keep humans alive in the worst conditions ever There's also a great fear of being tortured in this dream that I identify with now. I've already tried to let go of that many times, sometimes I stay with my presence and everything's fine because I'm not bothered by all these thoughts and fears. I can do that in the evening in my garden because it's the only time I'm not engaged with survival, during the day I must play the game to have money and pay my bills. And it's really hard to stay in my presence during activities and interactions with "others". Sometimes I really wish I hadn't woken up, so I wouldn't know that I am everyone. I can't accept the inevitability of what it is to be God... Living forever and living through all the worst things that happen and will happen I'm really lost because suicide isn't a solution (no eternal rest and no end...) there's no escape to this and I cannot accept this, it burns me Can you help me please? Much love

there's couple of gay pornstars who committed suicide and i can't watch theirs clips anymore, it's morbid for me....

People treated as products, abuse, fatherlessness, too much pleasure = suicide, gender pronouns. It's all here.

Ever since I was a teenager, the TV in my living room was always displaying scenes of torture and murder. I couldn't stop watching what was on the TV. I mean, what if the stuff in the TV happened to me one day? Everyone will go through something like that some day, right? If not in this life time, I will reincarnate into some other life, and what is happening in the TV will happen to me anyways. I can't bear the burden of having what is happening on the TV happen to me. There are many shows on the TV about reincarnation, so it's entirely possible that I would be transported to that type of reality as well. After all, there are no limits to reality. I could try commiting suicide to try and prevent what is happening inside the TV from happening to me, but I am here for eternity, so that won't work. Oh god, is there ANY way to escape from what is happening in the TV? It's impossible.

@Display_Name A couple years ago I had similar fears about AI. I was worried that some super AI would take over and somehow manage to keep me alive forever. It would torture me to death and then revive my body until eternity. Nowadays (even though AI is way more powerful then back then) that fear is completely absent in me. Looking back, I can see that there was a massive amount of unprocessed fear in my system. I believe that at least some of this fear came from my family lineage. In my dads side of the family there have been many generations of people who seriously believed in hell. I was raised as an atheist, but I think this fear of hell somehow got programmed into me. So when I heard Sam Harris talking about AI taking over, my fear of hell buttons got pushed hardcore. At the darkest moments I considered wearing a suicide pill on a necklace, so that if I read somewhere that AI had gotten super powerful I could quickly kill myself before the AI could get its tentacles on me. I think the way out of these nightmarish thoughts is doing serious deep healing work. Feeling your feelings, working through your traumas. I don't think 'not allowing negative thoughts' is going to cut it. I was never able to banish negative thoughts from my head. The only thing that worked was working through my shit. And this was more on the level of the body and emotions, then on the level of mind(although working on beliefs can be powerful as well). The fear of AI/hell can also greatly be reduced by deeply realising that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are and have always been 100% been worthy of love. The universe will not torture you because you are bad. You are not bad, and the universe loves you unconditionally. On a different note. Everything is happening within consciousness, so it's impossible to upload your consciousness into a simulation. If in your dream you dreamt that there is some super AI, then no matter how smart this AI is, it could never put your dream into itself. It is in the dream, not the other way around Uploading consciousness into the computer is complete nonsense. It's like a if a television screen was worried that the villain in the movie was going to lock it up in a basement and torture it forever. I really hope this helps. Having these fears was the darkest time of my life. You can work through this and then the world will look very different again.

I just wanted to say thank you to Leo for all his honesty and content. It is very reassuring. Leo has mentioned he wasn't sure if his substance use or other choices would eventually lead to his own suicide. This was very refreshing to hear. I have also had this weird feeling of knocking over the first domino and not knowing where it will lead. I have felt scared and even an occasional impending sense of doom. I saw another person state sometimes on psychedelics reality is so torn you realize your mind, brain, and heart are not in danger but suddenly you realize your very soul, spirit, or life force is somehow in jeopardy. But that is the adventure of life. And life has some big risks and big rewards. It is very yin yang and "everything-is-God" and beyond good and evil. Thanks again. Much love!

@integral i am in this situation going on 31 now. I can honestly say i am rather suicidal. The thing is I wanted someone since I am 15 but I have been chased away from girls from the beginning, what's even worse the guy who bullied me 8 long years attempted suicide and is rotting in the ground since 13 years....I am hiding my inner self for 16 years now...what do you thin about this peter pan analogy from Jordan Peterson. I felt like it happened to me even though I had an existensial shock with 12 and all the other developmental phases I tried to manipulate myself into some childish behavior.

I'm aware of that but you didn't answer the question. If that's what you are suggesting, are you aware over 700,000 people worldwide commit suicide each year. I wonder what the causes were. Probably not from being on a forum. Other factors are involved. Do you blame gun manufactures for every person that gets shot. I bet you don't blame the Supermarkets for hosting poisons on their shelves that's slowly causing millions of deaths each year. The blame game never gets to the root cause.