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About tlowedajuicemayne

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  1. I recommend 3 years of daily meditation practice to ground yourself and learn how to surrender before trying psychedelics. I understand that is a tall order, but psychedelic experiences are deeply influenced by who you are going into them. If you want to have spiritual experiences and not nightmares, start living a spiritually oriented life. This is the 'set' part of 'set and setting'.
  2. Speaking from my own experience here. I spent years eating up all the knowledge I could find on spirituality, psychology, listening to long form talks, etc. For a while it fulfilled me in some way but eventually I started to hunger for something deeper. Get in touch with life, thats the deepest way to learn!
  3. it's such a dumb example. If you were in Detroit you wouldn't be here asking questions. @Leo Gura lol my man leo woke up and chose violence hahahahahah
  4. I feel like a guide needs to exist that points out the key differences between psychotic breaks, schizophrenic episodes, serious mental illness issues, etc...vs awakening experiences. Maybe I'm wrong but I read some stuff on this forum sometimes and i immediately think to myself- this person thinks he's awakening but he really needs to go see a professional because he's having serious psychotic issues and is having delusions about those breaks. Could you make a video about this, or maybe comment on it?
  5. Paying 600 bucks to do what you can do for free is foolish. You can sit down on your cushion, right now, and begin practicing for free. Also, there is no such thing as an 'enlightenment intensive'. There are meditation retreats and psychedelic retreats but 'enlightenment intensive' is a completely made up term. Spirituality, like religion, has parts of it that prey on the naïve and what you're talking about here is one of those places. You do not need to spend 600 bucks for a 3 day online meditation retreat. Enlightenment is not something that is going to happen in 3 days, or 3 weeks, or even 3 lifetimes for some people. The best thing you can do at this point is find a zen teacher that is close to you (even if its a long drive), who is a part of a proven zen lineage and go to this Teacher and ask for practice instruction. It is worth a long drive, it is a worth a short flight if necessary. The early days of your practice are critical because if you do not find good information in these times, you will spend years going around in circles chasing your tail. Goodluck
  6. Not trying to be rude here, but repeating experiences you know don't work for you and are negative doesn't make any sense. Especially if you're lost in despair and depression like you say you are. I can't tell you what to do here but if you are truly is a state of constant despair, it may be time to sit down and really take an audit of your life. Your diet, your routines, your friends, your thought patterns, etc. Odds are, if you're willing to go get another tarot reading even though you've had profoundly negative experiences in the past with tarot, you're probably doing this in other areas of your life too. Returning again and again to the very demons that torture you. Really sit down and get specific about the things you KNOW perpetuate this state of despair and stop returning to those things in your life. Take a stand and cut them off completely. I would recommend having a therapist walk through this process with you. Therapy can really help if you're truly open to letting yourself be helped. Anyways, goodluck!
  7. I don't know. I don't think that its skillful to turn to internet forums for things like this. There's too much mental illness disguised as spirituality here if I'm honest. When you say 'lose control' what do you mean by this exactly? Also, when you say that you had a spontaneous awakening, what do you mean by this? Given what you've written here- It might be time to go and visit an experienced Teacher who is familiar with the territory of what you're going through. This way you can get some guidance on what to do next, or if these experiences are spiritual in nature at all. It could be possible that you're experiencing mental illness of some sort which could be causing this. I'm no expert but I can say for sure that before you continue going down the road you're going down- you might want to go out of your way to be 1000% sure that what you're experiencing is in fact what your ego thinks its experiencing and not some sort of psychotic break. Like I mentioned earlier, there is a ton of mental illness disguised as spiritualty here on, and many other forums. Taking spiritual advice from anyone online is gambling with your mental health and your sanity. Go and see someone who has traversed this territory, and maybe put a stop to all spiritual practices that aren't basic breath practices or mindfulness practices until you've visited such a teacher who can determine whether or not what you're experiencing is in fact kundalini and not some sort of psychotic or other mental issue.
  8. Not trying to be a dick but maybe you should try it with a therapist first. Trying to work through your shadow parts all by yourself and under the influence of something else just seems rather naïve to me. Don't under estimate the reality of your shadow and don't take this process for granted by merely jumping in without a parachute. Once you bring the light of consciousness to something within yourself, you can't merely turn it off again and rest. You have to go all the way through it and integrate it. Don't assume that everything in the shadows is there arbitrarily, its in the dark for a reason. Go see a professional who can help you do this work in a healthy way and once you get the gist, then maybe do it own you own. Sober.
  9. @Leo Gura that sounds great and I would totally do that...if I had any idea what you meant by it at all.
  10. One of the problems I had early on in my spiritual path was finding a Teacher. Use this to weed out the insincere teachers from the ideal ones- 'You will know when you've found a ideal Teacher because the Ideal Teacher gets no pleasure out of you following his Teachings or not. This is because the ideal Teacher gets all of his pleasure out of following his own Teachings.'
  11. I can't say whether it was awakening or not, only you could know that. What I can say for sure is that whatever it was, it has left you deeply confused. You could spend a lifetime trying to understand your past but you'd never get to the bottom of it truly, because it is gone. What is here right now on the other hand, can be investigated by you to no end and you can get to the bottom of it! I can't tell you what to do but perhaps it would be more fruitful to investigate the latter.
  12. @TruthSoldier IME Practice is not about becoming like stone. It is not about achieving stillness and remaining in it or becoming non-reactive or becoming distinguishable from any other human being. Good Practice is dynamic and responsive, it is not stiff and lifeless. If your practice is getting stiff and lifeless, then you may want to take a break and try not actively practicing for a while etc. See how your practice holds up when you aren't sitting. Thats what helped me atleast. Take some time and go enjoy the world, get back in touch with your body and your social skills. Enlightenment will be there for you when you're ready. Until then, take it easy
  13. Man I can 100% relate to you on this. I hope you don't mind if I give you some advice I wish someone would have gave me when I was going though this kind of thing. This sounds a bit like you're spiritually bypassing. Meaning that there are large areas in your life that you are under-developed in and you're avoiding facing them by diving into some existential quest. I 100% could be wrong here but I'm just giving my face value assessment after reading your article. I would recommend taking a break from what you think is spirituality and focus on dominating short term practical goals as well as beginning to see a therapist who can help you uncover some of these areas in your life you're not willing to face. The numbness and the deidentification, as well as the anxiety is probably emerging as an effect of your bypassing. This tends to happen when we reject or ignore our true desires, intentions, feelings, etc. Anxiety, depersonalization, depression etc. all emerge because we have dissociated from our bodies. This is quite common for spiritual practitioners to do because a lot of us get into spirituality as a means to 'escape'. But the truth is that there is no escape man. Reality is in your face and it isn't going anywhere. If you think that what you are going through is some kind of awakening, this is NOT true and you should discard any ideas like this because thoughts like this only perpetuate your current condition. Also acknowledge, then ignore any thoughts similar to the ones you listed above- I feel so disconnected from myself, I am numb and can't feel emotions, etc...all of these thoughts are lies and only serve to perpetuate and aggravate this unpleasant situation you find yourself in. So yeah, short term practical goals- start dominating those. Start running towards those problems. This will give you your power back. Stop the existential quest and focus on fixing your life. Find work, get out of your parents place, get a girlfriend, make friends, etc. But don't continue to go down this existential rabbit hole until you're at a place in your life where you've developed a strong and healthy ego, you've exhausted your worldly desires, and you have a true desire to learn the Truth. Otherwise you'll spend years going round and round in circles. Hope this helps!
  14. @Breakingthewall No I'm not schizophrenic but LSD is a schizotoxin or atleast that's what they used to be called. Psychologists used to use LSD to have schizophrenic experiences so that they could relate to their clients better. Fascinating stuff but no, definitely not schizophrenic. lol. As far as going deeper is concerned, probably. idk. I'm taking a break from LSD as I find it deludes me quite alot and I have to spend like a year undoing all the delusion caused by these experiences. Ima stick to DMT from here onward, or 5meo If I can get my hands on it.
  15. @AMTO Yes actually, I've thought about this quite a bit over the years. In my opinion, All beings seem to be totally empty of any True person. We are all bodies walking around with nothing in them.