Spiritual Warrior

Interlude: Taking a Break & Reflecting on What I Want I am taking a break from this journal. There is so much that I am trying to figure out in my life. I am going to hit the reset button. I also have heart surgery in exactly 8 days. I am looking forward to getting this procedure done and over with so that I can come back stronger and more focused on accomplishing my goals. I've spent most of my life feeling lost. At 31 years of age, there is finally some clarity amidst the fog. I am fascinated by Enlightenment. I want to be come so clear headed that there are NO THOUGHTS running through my mind. I want to transcend thought. I want to fuck women. I want to be really good at fucking women. I want to have a dancer wife that I build an empire with. I want to compete with her and travel the world with her. I want to be a model of good health and healthy masculinity out there on the dance floor. I want to make a positive impact on the world and especially my students. Anyone that looks at my character sees a noble, disciplined, highly masculine man, one that is deserving of everything that he has worked for. One that is able to say that he has gone through the trials and tribulations and the hardships and he has overcome things that others won't even try. I am sober, lucidly sober. I am able to take a step back from emotional states and times of hardship and view things with detachment. Detachment from out come and detachment from emotion. People feel comfortable in my presense because I exemplify the fact that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. No matter what happens, everything is truly going to be okay. And I want to provide that sort of presence and energy to everybody that I meet. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Even if you die tomorrow, everything is going to be alright, truly... because you are GOD and GOD is eternal and furthermore, eternally GOOD.

Imagine if we started contemplating the nature of reality at age 5? We can raise children this way if we so choose.

The Truth with a capital T is that he is not who she identifies with in an Absolute sense. He has concocted a story with characters and names and labels. NONE of it is real. In order for spirituality to run its course and work, she will have to admit this to himself; she is no one, he has no identity, she has no family, he has no friends, she has nothing. He is quite literally NOTHING at its core. This is so difficult for him to stomach because she is attached to this story that he has played out in her mind. To admit this Truth FEELS like he is experiencing her VERY REAL DEATH. He will not die in an Absolute sense, but her identity will die with the knowing of Truth. The sooner he can stomach this as reality, the sooner she can move on to the next facet of awakening.

Interlude: Contemplating structure in my life What is the current underlying structure in terms of my mind and where do I want to take this structure? As of right now I allow my mind to control the show, it has full control over my Spirit. Now, what do you want? I want to understand the world at a metaphysical level, beyond the material. This is my ultimate goal in life. Now, how do I get there? Right now, I have no direct experience of reality at a metaphysical level, none whatsoever.. I have some beliefs and concepts that relate to it, but I do not have any DIRECT experience of this situation. I have had short windows, mostly while on psychedelics when I am able to access a mind-state that is other worldly, but the problem is I am so bombarded by thoughts that I cannot experience the state for what it truly is. And what have you experienced? I've experienced what it feels like to have no identity, to have nothing to grasp onto. I understand what it feels like to be a floating ball of consciousness, to live in a world without labels, and it is .... TERRIFYING. To lose yourself, to lose what keeps you sane and grounded and stable and supported is one of the scariest feelings that a human being can experience. Why is it scary? Because losing my identity is the equivalent to death. If I lose myself then I will die. This is the conundrum that we find ourselves in when it comes to spirituality. Every one of us is searching for something that in the end will kill us, we have to let go and surrender everything that we hold near and dear to our hearts. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Interlude: The Masculine comes from the Heart I had a couple of cool insights about masculinity on my shrooms trip last weekend. Firstly, be who you are. No one cares about this made up version of yourself. Be secure with yourself. Don't feel like you need to subjugate yourself to ANYBODY... quite precisely because you are that somebody, therefore you don't need their approval or acceptance... you craving their acceptance is in essence craving your own acceptance of yourself, so focus on that first and foremost, love yourself for who you are.. for what you've done... for what you've accomplished. Love your being and it will shine outwards... you will have so much more room to make a positive and loving impact on the world. Sometimes I go through it, I don't know what to do, I'm confused, I need assistance, I'm sad, I'm annoyed, I'm not happy about this or that, but at the end of my life, I will die.. and I will meet my Maker, and I will tell him that I did the best I could with this life.. And thank you for allowing me to live it. I am eternally grateful. Ben is eternally grateful for this opportunity. Every man, as he climbs up the ranks in life will have more and more people depending upon him. A woman needs support to birth a child. The man's job is to be that support person, to be strong for her, to be stable and grounded, to love her being, to love her to the bones. He will also be a father, he has the same role there, he must be strong and emotionally stable yet loving.

Interlude: change the structure and the habits will follow ~ 4.17.26 This habits things has a structural flaw in it. I am trying to build habits and Disciplines in order to accomplish certain goals in life. But it's not changing the behaviors that are going to create the success that I want, I have to change the structure of the system that is my life. The structure has to change, not the content. There is a massive difference between those two things which you are going to have to unwire. And look at that... Now we're on a new page, perfect. It's not necessarily about changing your behaviors in order to create something new in your life, it's about changing the underlying structure of your life, which will create the need for certain behaviors and habits and disciplines. The underlying structure is the vision that you have for your life. Create the vision and the habits and disciplines will follow.

Thank you for all the replies

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Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #151 Wake up at 8:00 am: 0 Make bed: 0 Disciplines Journal: 23 Autolysis Journal: 4 Brush teeth streak: 162 Floss streak: 0 Shower streak: 136 Meditation streak: 1 Nighttime Routine Goals: Brush teeth streak: 6 Wash face streak: 6 No electronics before bed: 3 "Whole day" goals: No alcohol streak: 166 No doom scrolling: 3 No Instagram: 0 No YouTube: 0 No Photos App scrolling: 3 No Spotify: 3 Eat 150g of protein: 0 Dating Goals: Total number of women cold approached: 7 Things to Do: Change lights on car Things I want: Meditation chair Receiver for mouse Finances: 4/16 Monthly expenses: Gas $200 ($50 / week) Youtube Premium $16 Gym membership $16 Spending $600 ($150 / week) Groceries $400 ($100 / week) Car insurance $105 Debt relief program: $275 ($137.50 every other week) (Ends on 5.28.26) Total: $1,612 Monthly income: $1,896 Plus bonuses on event months Workout Regimen: TOTAL WORKOUT SETS COMPLETED FOR WEEK OF 4/6: 12/16 - That's pretty good! Workout 1: Push (Monday) Barbell Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Incline Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Dumbbell Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Triceps Pushdown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 2: Legs (Tuesday) Barbell Squat 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Curl 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Lunge 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 3: Upper (Thursday) Seated Dumbbell Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Seated Cable Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Close-Grip Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Rear Lateral Raise 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 4: Pull (Friday) Barbell Deadlift 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps One-Arm Dumbbell Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Lat Pulldown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Alternating DB Curl 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Goals in life: First tier (5 year goals): Have a shredded physique Workout 3-5 days a week Eat 150 g of protein a day Win dance competitions Compete in as many dance competitions as possible Get a coaching once a week Practice as much as I comfortably can Have full body orgasms while having sex, lasting at least 30 minutes Get in touch with energy fields while meditating Masturbate without stimulation and last as long as possible Buy a cute little house with a porch and outdoor bar Save up money and continue to grow income through dance Transition phase (5-10 years): Marry the girl of my dreams Second tier (10 year goals): Become an Arthur Murray dance studio owner Build lessons and events as quickly as possible Reach LOC 600 (non-dual state) Meditate every morning and read spiritual books every night Third tier (20 year goals): Open up a meditation center Daily meditation and save up money Write books about Truth and enlightenment Daily meditation and reading spiritual books Reach LOC 1,000 Daily meditation and reading spiritual books

Why can't the Universe be made up of relative truths, with no real Absolute Truth to grasp onto? It's as if I'm searching for something that doesn't even exist. I must contemplate this further.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #74 Thu April 16 - 11:03 AM Continued... Higher self: To let go is to dissolve into Nothingness, to embrace Nothingness precisely because it is Truth. And you are a Truth seeker, correct? Lower self: Yes, I am a Truth seeker. I want to uncover the Truth of reality and the Universe, more than anything. But at the same time, do I really? Do I really want the truth or do I just say that I want the Truth? There is a big difference between the two. Higher self: Do you ever avoid hearing the Truth in your life? Lower self: Oh yeah all the time. Higher self: Okay, give me a few examples. Lower self: I liked this girl but I didn't want to tell her I liked her because I was afraid that she wouldn't like me back. In this way, I was afraid of the truth in which she doesn't feel the same feelings towards me. If I keep it inside, I won't have to deal with the Truth and therefore the disappointment, I thought to myself. Higher self: Okay, good, is there anywhere else in your life in which you are avoiding or have avoided the truth? Lower self: But how do I even know what's true? In both a relative sense and an absolute sense. Higher self: Let's start with relative.. why do you say that your name is Ben? Lower self: Because that is the name that's on my birth certificate, that is what my parents and family and friends and co workers and students call me. That is the name I would write down on a check and it is the name on my driver's license. Higher self: Okay, would you agree that this is a relative truth? And do you see how it is NOT an absolute truth? Lower self: It is a relative truth simply because we as human beings have agreed that this is true. Same thing with the fact that the planet orbits the sun, a bunch of scientists came together and agreed upon it. Is this actually true without a doubt, I don't know... But we here on Earth all agreed upon it and now we hold it as true. But what makes this a relative truth and not an absolute truth? Higher self: An Absolute Truth is something that cannot be refuted. Someone can refute the statement the earth is a sphere. What is a sphere anyways? And maybe the earth is a cylinder or a square.. who's to say... And you sure as heck don't know that for certain, have you seen this planet from outer space... I'll answer that for you .. no you have not. Lower self: Okay, sure but you're making it seem like there is no such thing as an Absolute Truth. Why can't that be a possibility?

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #151 Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30 am: 0 Make bed: 12 Journal: 22 Brush teeth streak: 161 Floss streak: 2 Shower streak: 135 Meditation streak: 0 Nighttime Routine Goals: Brush teeth streak: 5 Wash face streak: 5 No electronics before bed: 2 "Whole day" goals: No alcohol streak: 165 No doom scrolling: 2 No Instagram: 2 No YouTube: 0 No Photos App scrolling: 2 No Spotify: 2 No smoking weed: 0 Eat 150g of protein: 0 Dating Goals: Total number of women cold approached: 7 Things to Do: Change lights on car Things I want: Meditation chair Receiver for mouse Finances: 4/14 I am in debt with my parents again: $800 to my dad and $1,000 to my mom. As soon as I cash in the Disney shares I will have another $600 and I get paid $474. My mom also gave me $1,000 but this needs to go to my medical bills. I have $700 that I still need to pay, maybe I should use that money to completely pay that off. Probably a good idea. My mind is so fuckin' scattered right now and I have so much shit to do. Just do one thing at a time. I didn't tell you to take a nap, that was your decision. Workout Regimen: TOTAL WORKOUT SETS COMPLETED FOR WEEK OF 4/6: 12/16 - That's pretty good! Workout 1: Push (Monday) Barbell Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Incline Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Dumbbell Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Triceps Pushdown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 2: Legs (Tuesday) Barbell Squat 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Curl 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Lunge 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 3: Upper (Thursday) Seated Dumbbell Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Seated Cable Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Close-Grip Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Rear Lateral Raise 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 4: Pull (Friday) Barbell Deadlift 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps One-Arm Dumbbell Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Lat Pulldown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Alternating DB Curl 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Goals in life: First tier (5 year goals): Have a shredded physique Workout 3-5 days a week Eat 150 g of protein a day Win dance competitions Compete in as many dance competitions as possible Get a coaching once a week Practice as much as I comfortably can Have full body orgasms while having sex, lasting at least 30 minutes Get in touch with energy fields while meditating Masturbate without stimulation and last as long as possible Buy a cute little house with a porch and outdoor bar Save up money and continue to grow income through dance Transition phase (5-10 years): Marry the girl of my dreams Second tier (10 year goals): Become an Arthur Murray dance studio owner Build lessons and events as quickly as possible Reach LOC 600 (non-dual state) Meditate every morning and read spiritual books every night Third tier (20 year goals): Open up a meditation center Daily meditation and save up money Write books about Truth and enlightenment Daily meditation and reading spiritual books Reach LOC 1,000 Daily meditation and reading spiritual books

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #150 Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1 Make bed: 11 Journal: 21 Brush teeth streak: 160 Floss streak: 1 Shower streak: 134 Meditation streak: 0 Nighttime Routine Goals: Brush teeth streak: 4 Wash face streak: 4 No electronics before bed: 1 "Whole day" goals: No alcohol streak: 164 No doom scrolling: 1 No Instagram: 1 No YouTube: 1 No Photos App scrolling: 1 No Spotify: 1 No smoking weed: 0 Eat 150g of protein: 0 Dating Goals: Total number of women cold approached: 7 Things to Do: Cash in Disney shares - go to West Hartford on Tuesday to cash in shares Change lights on car Cash money dad gave you Things I want: Meditation chair Receiver for mouse Finances: 4/14 I am in debt with my parents again: $800 to my dad and $1,000 to my mom. As soon as I cash in the Disney shares I will have another $600 and I get paid $474. My mom also gave me $1,000 but this needs to go to my medical bills. I have $700 that I still need to pay, maybe I should use that money to completely pay that off. Probably a good idea. My mind is so fuckin' scattered right now and I have so much shit to do. Just do one thing at a time. I didn't tell you to take a nap, that was your decision. Workout Regimen: TOTAL WORKOUT SETS COMPLETED FOR WEEK OF 4/6: 12/16 - That's pretty good! Workout 1: Push (Monday) Barbell Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Incline Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Dumbbell Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Triceps Pushdown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 2: Legs (Tuesday) Barbell Squat 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Curl 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Lunge 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 3: Upper (Thursday) Seated Dumbbell Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Seated Cable Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Close-Grip Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Rear Lateral Raise 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 4: Pull (Friday) Barbell Deadlift 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps One-Arm Dumbbell Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Lat Pulldown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Alternating DB Curl 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Goals in life: First tier (5 year goals): Have a shredded physique Workout 3-5 days a week Eat 150 g of protein a day Win dance competitions Compete in as many dance competitions as possible Get a coaching once a week Practice as much as I comfortably can Have full body orgasms while having sex, lasting at least 30 minutes Get in touch with energy fields while meditating Masturbate without stimulation and last as long as possible Buy a cute little house with a porch and outdoor bar Save up money and continue to grow income through dance Transition phase (5-10 years): Marry the girl of my dreams Second tier (10 year goals): Become an Arthur Murray dance studio owner Build lessons and events as quickly as possible Reach LOC 600 (non-dual state) Meditate every morning and read spiritual books every night Third tier (20 year goals): Open up a meditation center Daily meditation and save up money Write books about Truth and enlightenment Daily meditation and reading spiritual books Reach LOC 1,000 Daily meditation and reading spiritual books

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #73 Tue April 14 - 10:35 AM Lower self: Higher self, who am I? Higher self: You are God, you are the eternal being that is an infinite shape shifter, you are beyond time and space, you are eternal, you have no name, you have no self, you are Nothingness. Lower self: But I can't experience this. Higher self: Why not? Lower self: Because I am Ben. I am a human being that experiences emotions and thought patterns and I love to dance and I have a family and friends. I certainly don't fee like God or an eternal being that is beyond time and space. How do you rectify that? Higher self: Those things are true in a relative sense, you are in a human body, this is correct, your name is Ben, this is correct, you have a family that raised you and loves you, this is also correct, you have friends that care about you, you have their contact information in your phone, you can text them whenever you want. But these are what we call relative truths, what we're focusing on are Absolute Truths. The Absolute Truth is that you are God. You are an eternal being. You are the One and Only Creator. And when I say You, I am talking about EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. We are ALL One and the Same. And in that sense Ben is God but when we talk like this, it's not Ben anymore, we're in a realm that is beyond labels. This is the non-dual realm. Lower self: But how do I experience this? I believe you, trust me I really do. I can see that you are full of so much wisdom and what you're saying does make sense. But I feel like I'm down here on the ground and you are flying up their near Saturn. How do we bridge the gap? You need to come down to my level so that we can have a real conversation. Higher self: I will attempt to come down to your level. What do you want from me, my son? Lower self: I want the experience that you're talking about, I want to experience this non-dual realm, this realm of Nothingness. Without the experience, I have nothing to grasp. Higher self: Ahhhh.... But that is precisely the problem my dear, there is NOTHING to grasp. Let go of your wanting to grasp and hold onto things. Let go. Let it all go and you will find what you're looking for. Lower self: Okay... Understood... But how do I let go?

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #72 Mon April 13 - 8:12 AM I Am the One God, I Am the One Creator Lower self: Am I the creator of my life? Am I the true creator? I mean I am God so that means that I must be the Creator as well. The One that creates things. Higher self: I Am the One God, I Am The One Creator, I can create anything that I'd like to create. What do you want my son? Lower self: I want to be with you and only you. For the rest of my life. I want to give you endless orgasms, endless pleasure, I want your abdomen to shake when I put my tongue to your lips. But how do you know that I am One with You? Higher self: There is only One singular thing. Nothing is outside of it. Lower self: But what does that mean? Higher self: It means that you are It. You are Everything precisely because you are that One thing. You are that thief stealing candy from a grocery store. You are that beautiful woman you have a crush on. You are that frog leaping from lily pad to lily pad. You are that prostitute selling her body off to men. You are that poor defenseless girl getting rape by a sexually frustrated man. You are Everyone and Everything. And It is nothing. It's out there. It's a thing but it's also not a thing. It's a paradox. Have you heard of those? Lower self: Yeah I have, but what is a paradox again? Higher self: It's something that makes sense but doesn't but also DEFINITELY makes sense. Like it doesn't sound true, but at the same time, you have this intuitive sense that it is True. Because it just must be True. Lower self: And what does it mean when something is True? Higher self: It is True because it is beyond a doubt, there are no ifs ands or buts. The reality is that you will die one day. The sooner you accept that Truth, the sooner you can swallow that, the sooner we can get to the REALLY good stuff. Lower self: And what does that mean, the REALLY good stuff? Higher self: Don't you want to be a dance champion? Lower self: Yeah. For sure. Without a doubt. Higher self: Then that is your Truth. Therefore you will have it. Lower self: But how do I know that I won't be disappointed? Higher self: Because YOU are the creator. Its your life. YOU create the disappointment or the success. Its up to YOU. Lower self: Yes, but there are other factors within the universe that could deter me from achieving what I want. Higher self: No theres not. There are no obstacles. The only thing that could change are your desires. But you can choose them because are are the Creator.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #149 Morning Routine: Wake up at 7:30 am: 0 Make bed: 10 Journal: 20 Brush teeth streak: 159 Floss streak: 0 Shower streak: 133 Meditation streak: 0 Nighttime Routine Goals: Brush teeth streak: 3 Wash face streak: 3 No electronics before bed: 0 "Whole day" goals: No alcohol streak: 163 No doom scrolling: 0 No Instagram: 0 No YouTube: 0 No Photos App scrolling: 0 No Spotify: 0 No smoking weed: 0 Dating Goals: Total number of women cold approached: 7 Things to Do: Call insurance to see if they cover this "consultation call" - will call Monday Cash in Disney shares - go to West Hartford on Tuesday to cash in shares Change lights on car Things I want: Meditation chair Receiver for mouse Finances: 4/13 Checking: -400 I need to borrow money from my parents 😭 Spending so far: $141/100 Upcoming financial events: +$474 income on 4/15 Workout Regimen: TOTAL WORKOUT SETS COMPLETED FOR WEEK OF 4/6: 12/16 - That's pretty good! Workout 1: Push (Monday) Barbell Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Incline Bench Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Dumbbell Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Triceps Pushdown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 2: Legs (Tuesday) Barbell Squat 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Curl 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Leg Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Lunge 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 3: Upper (Thursday) Seated Dumbbell Press 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Seated Cable Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Close-Grip Bench Press 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps DB Rear Lateral Raise 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Workout 4: Pull (Friday) Barbell Deadlift 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps One-Arm Dumbbell Row 3 sets x 4 to 6 reps Lat Pulldown 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Alternating DB Curl 3 sets x 6 to 8 reps Goals in life: First tier (5 year goals): Have a shredded physique Workout 3-5 days a week Eat 150 g of protein a day Win dance competitions Compete in as many dance competitions as possible Get a coaching once a week Practice as much as I comfortably can Have full body orgasms while having sex, lasting at least 30 minutes Get in touch with energy fields while meditating Masturbate without stimulation and last as long as possible Buy a cute little house with a porch and outdoor bar Save up money and continue to grow income through dance Transition phase (5-10 years): Marry the girl of my dreams Second tier (10 year goals): Become an Arthur Murray dance studio owner Build lessons and events as quickly as possible Reach LOC 600 (non-dual state) Meditate every morning and read spiritual books every night Third tier (20 year goals): Open up a meditation center Daily meditation and save up money Write books about Truth and enlightenment Daily meditation and reading spiritual books Reach LOC 1,000 Daily meditation and reading spiritual books