Spiritual Warrior

"There are two energies inside you: Architect (he) and Mystic (she). He needs to plan; he needs how and why of everything. She just watches things unfold; the universe shows her it's most mysterious and magical depths. She can accept him because human planning is just a small part of universal magic. But he feels threatened by her. So, she is asleep inside you." - Shunya

"Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood and carry water." Enlightenment is not something that is out there and needs to be searched for. It is right here and will always be here. Once you become aware of this Truth, your life will go on as if nothing changed because nothing has changed.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #90 ~ Sat Jun 6 '26 ~ 9:43 AM Personal Journal People that cannot put their egos to the side disgust me at this point. But of course, I must consider, when do I do this in my own life? I also have a question, I am trying to transcend the ego, correct? But then you have this model of ego development in which what, the ego is being more highly developed or more aware. Then what should I be doing, transcending the ego or making it more mature? I am confused by this. I am also trying to step away from parroting others models, I want to think FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF. Thats the only way out of the maze. I'd like to watch Leo's videos less. Honestly this spurred by all of the "cult talk" floating around on YouTube and on the forum and since I'm trying to develop independent thinking, it would be wise for me to let go of the content that I view the most in favor of a more diversified palate... And honestly he would probably approve of this. No matter how amazing Leo's teachings are, I am nonetheless in an echo chamber in which I am allowing him and him alone to lead me down this path. I am afraid that inserting myself back into society will deter my spiritual path, I know Gemini has told me not to worry about this and to allow myself to continue to observe what occurs when out in the real world, but it just seems so much easier when I am able to sit at my desk or lay in bed ad contemplate things. I'm not sure how to feel about it. Then again, whats Truthful about feelings. I couldn't count on 10 hands the number of times that I haven't felt like going out and socializing, then I do it and I have an amazing time. Its happening today, actually. Literally almost every social situation I don't want to go to, but I get dragged out and I get invited to a lot of things because I am well liked, people enjoy my company. Now be careful what you do with that statement, don't turn it into an attachment, this is an opinion about yourself and it belongs in the filing cabinet that is ego. It doesn't belong in your True experience of yourself because it is not Self... at all. A Mature Ego is Ready for Death I really want to start taking a look again at ego development. The idea is to develop this "filing cabinet." I like to use a filing cabinet as an analogy for my own ego because its just the perfect analogy. The ego is the filing cabinet itself, this is the structure of the ego. The content is inside of the filing cabinet, and it has a bunch of stuff in there, beliefs, opinions, a self image, my thoughts about others and about myself, a whole slew of things. This filing cabinet needs to be matured, and that is what these ego development models address. The ego's job is to deal with survival, but ideally you are doing this in a mature and healthy way, one thats highly conscious. The reason these models help with that is because it is giving you a road map to what it takes to develop your ego. To mature the ego is to develop it enough so that it is ready to die or to transcend. Maturity is the acceptance of death. To allow death to knock on your door and to say hi to it is the ultimate sign of maturity and that is where you are headed.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #162 ~ Sat Jun 6 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/6 Take medication: 5/6 Shower: 5/6 Floss teeth: 5/6 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/6 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 5/6 Wash face: 4/6 No electronics: 1/6 - really struggling w/ this Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 4/6 - getting much better at this - I can't wait to try this out with an actual partner No porn: 3/6 - really want to get to a point where I don't watch porn at all but still enjoy pleasuring myself, I've made some good progress here so far trust me I love holding myself accountable with this journal, it makes it so that I am very conscious of all of the habits that I would like to instill in my life. The habits are also in place for a specific reason, they're not just there for shits, they are in place for a specific reason which will lead me to reach all of my goals. This dream state is intoxicating and confusing. I can have everything that I want? Really? There are not limitations? That just cannot be. There must be things that I cannot have. Nope. You can have ANYTHING so dream big. I have to see my ex girlfriend later today which is not ideal. I would like to stay away from her today, I don't even want to say hi to her. It is so fuckin' annoying that I have to see this girl on a regular basis (this is not a regular basis, its probably every few months.) But it sucks regardless. I'm going to try to have fun there, but I get so annoyed because everyone else has girlfriends. Why do you care about that? I don't know, I think Im just looking to bitch about something. What are you going to do today? I am going to do my morning routine as I always do, shower, brush teeth, etc. and then meditate. And then I am going to eat my breakfast and start my day which will consist of recording the Bachata videos so that I can cancel it and I won't get charged tomorrow. Then I will leave at 12:30, go to the gym and workout. Then I will order wings and then I will head to my friends house for a party. I'm kind of sick of parties, I'd rather just think about Truth. But heres the thing, socializing keeps me grounded, otherwise I tend to slack off and live in the abstract. But beign around people, dealing with things, this is what keeps your feet on the ground. I really enjoyed seeing everyone from Arthur Murray yesterday, I really do miss everyone there. I say that all I care about is Truth work but its not really true. I want to see how far I can take this career path. I am going to have to bring clothes with me when I leave because I'm staying at my dads house tonight. I'm not really sure if I want to give up porn anymore. But something has clicked in me and I have become masterful at not ejaculating, which is really what I want. The only problem with porn is it scatters my brain, which effects the way I have while out in public. Ideally, it is no porn and no ejaculation while continuing to please myself 3-4 times a week.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #161 ~ Fri Jun 5 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/5 Take medication: 4/5 Shower: 4/5 Floss teeth: 4/5 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 4/5 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 4/5 Wash face: 4/5 No electronics: 1/5 (I got off at 11:30 pm, which is much better than before) Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 3/5 No porn: 3/5 Things are very messy in my room. I feel stuck. I feel like whatever I do, I just can't get this discipline thing right. I continue to not wake up at the desired time, it is very frustrating. All I have to do is just wake my ass up, its actually not that difficult, but I just lay there for a good hour, sometimes playing on my phone. Its pure laziness and if I can deal with this, I will feel MUCH better about myself. I want structure, I really want structure. There are lots of things that I want in this life, but they require a plan and then the motivation and discipline to carry through with that plan.

I season 1, the main character, Thorfinn has lived his entire life on a path stained in blood as he attempts to avenge his fathers death. He eventually gets his revenge and then he has no idea what to do with himself. He could remain in stage red by making up something else to be mad about and getting revenge on someone else (this would be a toxic life purpose.) Or he could put the violence behind him and move into something more communally-driven. He chooses the ladder. In season two he works on a farm and grows interested in religion. This show resembles a stark transition between stage red into stage blue.

I like that she is in a church at the beginning of the trailer. This would be her trying to transition out of stage red and into stage blue. But unfortunately, it looks like her past has caught up to her.

In the world of vikings, a disgraced warrior has only two options, kill or die.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #89~ Thu Jun 4 '26 ~ 2:22 PM Where are thoughts located? You put so much stock into them, they must be real, so where are they located? Are they in the brain, are they location-less? Give that some thought. A thought... I am thinking of my co worker. She is laughing, staring straight towards the "camera" the camera is my perspective view of her within this thought. It FEELS like the thought is in my head and I'm controlling the projector. I consciously put this girl onto the projector screen and a picture of her pops up on the screen, so I guess, in my direct experience, a thought is in the head and I'd compare it to a movie theater screen, in which I can see whats playing on the screen as well as hear it. Now whats funny is that I cannot keep that thought going. It always fades and its not by my choosing. Thoughts in general come about completely unconsciously. But we do hold the power to summon up a specific thought and then you can actually hold the concentration onto that thought, which is a meditation technique. What I do know is that everything is perfect as it is because everything is AS IT IS. The idea of mentally masturbating about situationals, especially ones that cause suffering is utter blasphemy. There is no need for that becasue everything has its place. If you made a decision in your past, that was the correct decision precisely because you made it. If you were diagnosed with cancer, then that is exactly what was meant to happen. Also, sometimes a shitty situation can be a blessing in disguise. It might not be exactly what your ego wants, but things always work out one way or another. Start to become conscious of this as you continue down your path. The idea is to simplify your life so that you are not wasting mental energy thinking about this or that. No, everything is already set up for your success in this Enlightenment business. All you have to do is sit there and let the Truth wash over you. Exercise: Write down the thoughts running through your head. (Closing your eyes will help you focus on the thoughts, open them back up to write down the thought, then close them again.) I am breathing My back hurts Ohhh. little ting in my chest Relax the shoulders Lips, a womans lips I want to watch anime, but I should be doing spiritual work Let go Picture of a teddy bear What are the thoughts running through my head? Okay, now... lets take it one stop further... Is a thought a picture or a voice or both? I wish my head wasn't itchy Now just breathe Theres a pulse in my throat *Concern that I'm not doing enough, that I'm being too lazy* "Just relax, its okay" I just farted, thats gross Picture of a girl with blonde hair sitting on a bench Ooooh.. that smells My foot is tapping, stop that It still kind of smells I feel fat when my belly expands, maybe I ate too much food The back of my neck itches, I need to go to the dermatologist Wow, what a fuckin' tyrant my mind is. Jesus christ, can I get a fuckin' break? And the funny thing is, this entity, the ego, the thoughts, whatever you want to call it, it thinks its helping. It really does feel like it is helping me out. Thats just funny, I don't need him at all. And I can't help but feel anger and resentment towards this entity that will not stop worrying about things. Like chill the fuck out. You're fine. Everything is fine. Shut the fuck up. Take a seat, grab a beer and enjoy the view. Jesus. Deconstruct the "Projector Screen": Think back to the image or video of your co worker on the projector screen, where is the screen? Its right in front of my eyes, therefore I can see it. Its weird though because I can see it without actually closing my eyes. Its so freaky. Thats why its imaginary, its not a real picture. But then why and how does it feel real. Like I can actually SEE this woman that I know. I can see her. I could see someone else as well. What is behind the screen? Nothing. Nothing is behind the screen and the picture itself is also made of nothing. Its a hallucination. But what is a hallucination, what does that mean? It means my mind thinks its real but its really not. Any thought is a hallucination because its not real, but the mind thinks it is. Then what is real???? What the fuck is real???? Nothing? I dont know

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #160 ~ Thu Jun 4 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/4 Take medication: 3/4 Shower: 3/4 Floss teeth: 3/4 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 3/4 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 3/4 Wash face: 3/4 No electronics: 1/4 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 2/4 No porn: 2/4 The dream state character and the spiritual seeker are completely different characters. The ladder is after Truth without a doubt and he is willing to burn everything down if it means getting to Truth. The bomb has been lit and its just a matter of when it is going to go off. The dream state character is attached to thinking and planning. He loves to feel emotions based on experiences and dreams that he has had. He wants the drama, he enjoys it, but he also wants to make a positive impact on the world. And he wants to be viewed as an attractive man.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #159 ~ Mon Jun 2 '26 for month of June 2026 Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Take medication: 2/3 Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/3 Shower: 3/3 Floss teeth: 2/3 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 3/3 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 2/3 Wash face: 2/3 No electronics: 1/3 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 1/3 No porn: 1/3 Yesterday I didn't wake up on time. I just laid there until 10 AM. I'd like to wake up early. It gives me more time in the day to work on what I want to work on. The thing that I've been focusing on recently is becoming aware of what is going on in every moment of every day. Its about having a heightened awareness. One that is able to slow. down time and dissect and digest the moment. What is going on right now? How am I feeling? What am I having for lunch tomorrow? Pasta. There is a fine balance between being nice to yourself and motivating yourself for more. At the end of the day, life is meaningless. There is zero meaning to life, which is why you want to just chill out and enjoy the ride. But at the same time... You do want things, you want to FEEL like a hero. How do I feel like a hero. Every day. You do something that is helpful towards others of course. But then I'd just be stuck in that fantasy, in that reality. Don't you want to stay there? No..... I want to stay here, with you guys. What is it that you want out of this life? I want to be happy and at peace and I want to make all my dreams come true. I want to get amazing at sex. I want to push the bounds when I become intimate with a partner. I want to become enlightened. I want to become the experience of my Maker. I want to realize that I am God. When you say you want things, it comes off as needy. You already are what you are. You just have to remember it. Or become aware of it. But what if you're not God? Isn't it possible for God to be separate from you. What is God? Lets start with that. All you've got are labels so far. You haven't realized shit about God. Okay, Okay, hold on a minute. God is Love. Label. you dont actually know what it is. It doesnt matter what you say, it reaks of dogma. My nostrils flare up when I smell that stench. My job is to become Enlightened. That is all. What does that have to do with God? God is eternal . God is everything. God explains the entire Universe to you. This isn't true though. But who's saying that. Who's saying "This isnt true." Who is saying it. I am . Ben . But ben is separate from You. You are the only letter worth capitalizing. You. Your true nature is the only thing that should be capitalized. You. Focus on You. You are the rest of the world. You are eternal. You are Creator You are Infinite Creation This is what I wanted to experience in this life The ego wants love The ego wants to feel safe and secure The ego wants to chill out The ego wants to be in control The ego doesn't like rest Nothing else matters except Truth I ate two cannabis infused gummies earlier. When I get high my mind cannot sit still. It already struggled with that to begin with, now we've got to add this substance to it. Weed can open my mind though, I had a cool insight earlier while I was pleasuring myself. I started to take my attention away from the computer monitor and into the sensations occurring within my body. This makes for a much more pleasurable experience and it is easier to not keel over and release my semen. I had several very pleasurable mini orgasms that I felt throughout my entire body. These are dry orgasms in which no semen is released from my body, there is an increased heart rate and I can feel a tingling sensation that courses through my body, dispersing energy like a ring or a wave up through my body. The energy is dispersed why way of breathing deeply. I did this for a good hour off and on and then I ended up getting bored so I decided to allow my body to ejaculate. Ejaculation is ALWAYS disappointing. It feels like you are about to go on this amazing roller coaster ride, but then the ride breaks down as soon as you release your semen. And your left with a depleted sex drive, ready for bed. The good news is nowadays, I always ejaculate when I want to, it doesn't happen involuntarily anymore. I have total control over whether or not I ejaculate. Now I just have to end my desire to release the semen.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #158 ~ Mon Jun 1 '26 Okay, so yesterday was interesting. I had an amazing productive morning and afternooon. I woke up on time, got my habits done, cleaned my room, I was really proud of myself. I then went to watch my cousin play softball, that all went well. Then I had my friends over and watched a movie, that went well, besides the fact that my friend got me some sour patch kids and I made the mistake of opening them and I ate some as well as my friends. This candy is poison. All of our minds significantly dropped in functionality once we ate some candy. The wings and pizza were fine, not an optimal health food of course, but fine compared to the effects of this gooey, sugar coated poison. Its about 6:30 pm once my friends leave and I'm feeling giddy, like I just want to kick my feet up and relax. I have an urge to masturbate, not because I'm turned on but because I'm bored, very bored. There are two different ways that I masturbate, one is a holistic way in which I stimulate my entire body and try to last as long as possible. This is a healthy masturbation session. The other way that I masturbate is not so healthy. I will scroll through porn with all of my attention on my genitals, I don't circulate the energy through my body, I keep it right in my genitals, it doesn't go anywhere else. The key to lasting a while during masturbating or sex is to engage the muscles around the entire body while simultaneously "sipping" the energy up from your genital area up your spine and then into your head, this can give you full body and multiple orgasms, which I have experienced. Its not as explosive, but much more holistic and I'm also just scratching the surface of this superpower. My goal is to last over 20 minutes at a time, enjoying several full body orgasms without ejaculating. Right now, I can last about 5-7 minutes. Anyways, I masturbate to porn and ejaculate, which are both things that I'm trying to kick and now I feel zapped of my energy. The rest of the night is a blur, I watch crappy things on YouTube, I watched a movie, I ate more candy, I ate some pizza, and then I capped the night off by watching Leo's video with the Demystify podcast, this got me back into a pursuing Truth mindset, which was great, its funny how a little spirituality content can get me right back on track with the things that are most important to me. I then made a spiritual autolysis journal, contemplating why Truth must exist, and I also journaled about how to the dream state character a.k.a the ego operates. So lots of positives from the day, but wouldn't it be nice if I was just productive all day and didn't engage in these silly habits? Yeah that'd be great and guess what, thats what we're working towards. Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Take medication: 1/2 Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/2 Shower: 2/2 Groom hair: 2/2 Groom beard: 2/2 Brush teeth: 2/2 Floss teeth: 2/2 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 2/2 Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: 1/2 Wash face: 1/2 No electronics: 0/2 Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 1/2 No porn: 1/2 Already, my mind is clamoring for something fun and exciting, and my energy is so low because I ejaculated twice yesterday. This is one thing that I do miss about going to work. It kept me honest, I could never ejaculate multiple days in a row because I would be so timid and off as an instrctor when I went into work. I've had experiences in which I've lasted 30 + days without ejaculation and the amount of energy that I had through that process was incredible. I want to get back to that, it would do wonders for me. Now, I will say that when I was going through those streaks, I wasn't watching any porn and I wasn't masturbating at all. This is where the disconnect is. I want to develop an ability to control and circulate my sexual energy and unfortunately this requires me to practice pleasuring myself. So in order to have both, I'm going to have to pleasure myself without the use of porn and without ejaculating, which will be a great test for me. I will make it to the other side, I promise you that. I owe it to Ben. I want him to be magnificent. I was talking to Gemini and he's got a nice plan for me moving forward, there are 6 things that I'm mainly focusing on right now: Saving money Getting shredded Successful dance instructor Truth Realized Well educated Sexual Kung Fu King This is too much to work on all at once so we decided that we're going to split it up into 2 month increments, spanning over 6 months. Month 1-2: The Foundation (June & July) Saving Money & Getting Shredded - Lock in the non-negotiables. Get back into your lifting rhythm, dial in the macro meal preps, and establish your basic financial baseline before you return to work. Month 3-4: The Expansion (August & September) Dance Instructor success and sexual energy: Once the physical and financial routines are automatic (coasting), channel that high physical energy into channeling intimacy and mapping out your students' long-term progression. Month 5-6: The Transcendence (October & November) Truth Realization & higher education: With your external world highly organized and disciplined, your mind will naturally quiet down, giving you the focus required for deep contemplative work without the anxiety of messy logistics.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #88~ Mon Jun 1 '26 ~ 2:35 AM Truth Must Exist Truth must exist. It just has to exist. But why though? Why can't there be no Truth to the universe, why can't it just be what it is without any inheritent truth whatsoever. Well, you have this thing, right? This thing, which is reality, thats what we're talking about here, this thing is a thing. How do you describe this thing? how would you describe reality? Try to describe it. I can't. Its too complex. And the reality is subjective, I'd be giving you my take on what reality is for ME, this finite being. Right, but its a thing, without your subjectivity, reality is something, is it not? I mean yeah reality would be here even if I wasn't perceiving it. Do you know that for sure though? No, I guess I'm just assuming. I mean when I'm sleeping, there is no reality. But in reality, there actually is because theres no lapse in my awareness. When I go to sleep, like when I actually fall asleep and lose consciousness, the next thing I experience is either a dream and then I wake up, or I just wake up in my bed. So theres no lapse in my experience of reality actually. I think thats the problem. I keep saying that reality is something out there, like its this material thing, but in reality, reality is right here, its right in front me and it can be explained by the sole fact that I am aware, I am conscious, I am present, I am here. Okay, good job. Now, what is reality, explain it to me. Reality is being aware, its being conscious, its this space in which a human being is able to be aware of what is going on around him. Its the little pocket that comes before the experience happens. And its sooooo damn slippery. Its so hard to grasp onto, but what is there to even grasp. Maybe I need to let go of the desire to grasp onto something, thats the mind trying to hold onto it. Its right there, just become aware of it. Go ahead, just do it... Much easier said than done. This is challenging work but I do feel the progress. Lets go back to the original question, so we understand that reality is right here, its whats right in front of me, and its not the content of whats going on in this persons experience, its the structure behind it, whatever the fuck that is. Its this little pocket that is very difficult to become aware of because of how often our minds are spewing out thoughts. Thats why meditation is so crucial. But yeah back to Truth, why does there have be Truth in this universe? Because again, reality is a thing, and for a thing to be a thing, it has to be made up of something that is true. For something to like really exist, which reality does, it exists, I am experiencing it. And as a matter of fact, reality is all that there is. I have no evidence that reality will end. Therefore itll go on forever and ever and ever. Now this reality that we're talking about, it is a real thing, its actually as real as it gets, you can't go any deeper, I know this, I've experienced it. If this right here is the real deal, then it has to have a true essence. What is that true essence, what is the True essence of reality itself. Its just awareness. I might thats it, thats what reality is. Its awareness. Everything is made up of awareness.... Hold on a minute.. I am looking at a statue of a duck right now, I am aware of whats going on, this is what reality is made up of... and its all that reality is made up of, therefore, that little statue is made up of awareness. But how does that make sense? I am staring at a physical object. A physical object that I can touch. Its a real thing. Yeah of course its a real thing, but is it a duck? NO of fuckin' course not, you made that label up, its not a duck thats just a fuckin word. But I dont understand how a physcial object can be made up of awareness. What else would it be made up of? You just said that reality is pure ever lasting awareness. Thats reality. That duck is within reality, therefore the duck is awareness. It was created out of awareness. And it exists in awareness and as awareness. See this is boggling my mind, how can I look at an object and say thats just made up of awareness. And what even is awareness. Awareness is what makes up the entire universe. Its what I'm experiencing right now. Do you think this actually a hand thats typing on the keyboard. What the fuck is a hand? That word has no metaphysical meaning to it whatsoever. Okay, well then Mr. Smarty Pants, what kind of metaphysical meaning does awareness. Ahhh... good question, it depends how you take it, if you take the word awareness at face value, yes its just a label exactly like the word "hand," but I am using awareness to point towards something. This something that I'm pointing towards is the make up of reality. But I can't explain it using labels. Do you see that? YOU have to become directly conscious of this awareness that I'm referring to and then you will realize that all of reality is made up of this one thing, which is pure awareness. And by the way, there are many names for this thing that I'm talking about, you could call it consciousness or nothingness, it doesn't even really matter, what matters is what the word is pointing towards. Sit on that for a little bit. The Ego (or the Dream State Character) It is important to go out into the real world because this is where your ego is going to show you his hand. Your job in this work is to become aware, to become more and more and more aware until the Truth slaps you in the fuckin' face. In order to do that, you need to see whats in the filing cabinet. What is the ego hiding in there. What is he made of, what makes him tick, what are his deepest and darkest secrets, what are his triggers, what are his fantasies, what does he want. Don't judge him, just experience him fully. And by the way, you are not in control of him. He is going to do what he does. So sit back and enjoy the show. There is a split within my mind: There is Ben, the clumsy, error- prone character who fucks up all the time and makes a fool of himself There is the Protector, the wise and vigilant manager who has to micro manage Ben so that he survives the dance studio, doesn't look stupid in front of girls and pays the rent But don't you see, these two sides of Ben are two sides of the same coin. It is the same ego, it is the same dream character, these are just thoughts, but they are complex and intertwined thoughts and they're more than that, they are an identity. Ben is dumb and clumsy but this is just one bundle of a self image. Theres another way in which he is cool and funny and competent. I feel that way sometimes, or he feels that way sometimes. And then you have this Protector, who feels different than the characters I just explained. It feels like he is on a higher plane, he's watching Ben, he's judging Ben, he's protecting Ben, making sure that theres a filter on before he speaks, making sure that he gets what he wants, making sure that people think highly of him. But this Ben isn't on a higher plane at all, its just more of the same, its another "thought bundle" but this one is judgemental as fuck. Its all the ego, and its not Truth. The ego is trying to play God here when he is in "Protector" mode, but theres nothing he can even control. The protector might as well just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the show that is Ben's life. But of course, he can't just sit back because he is just a thought, he is not Truth, therefore he is not real. The entity that can sit back and enjoy the show is the True self and he is this vast open awareness. It is the True self that would actually be looking at the Protector and observing what The Protector is doing. And the Protector and Clumsy Ben belong in a filing cabinet that makes up the ego. This filing cabinet is what I call the ego, or the self- image. There is NOTHING inherently True about it. It is just a hunch, a way for Ben to feel safe and grounded. Will this filing cabinet disappear once Ben becomes Enlightened? No, of course not. The filing cabinet will always be there. But Ben's perception of the filing cabinet will change, he will realize that he is not the filing cabinet at all, the filing cabinet is just a collection of thoughts. Truth Cannot be Communicated This is real spiritual work right here. Spiritual autolysis is a messy process. Writing down what's true is not easy because it's quite literally impossible. The best you can do is write something down that points towards the Truth, but you will never write anything down that is inherently True in it of itself, because Truth is beyond labels and beyond beliefs. And all forms of communication are labels and beliefs and models. They can be useful in pointing you towards an experience, but in it of itself they are useless. Ego Development Now that we're talking about ego development, let's take a quick look at Susan Cook Greuters model of ego development. There is a whole field that is dedicated to this work of developmental psychology that discusses how an ego develops over time. I am well versed in the Spiral Dynamics model and now it's time for me to take a look at Greatur's model. First we have the preconvential section, which is self- centric and is characterized by linear reasoning. Next, we move into the conventional stage in which knowledge based ego starts to develop. The ego is now capable of doing much more than linear reasoning, it is now capable of discovering patterns, looking forward and backwards in time, it is able to know and do more than it could at the pre conventional stage. This stage is comprised of being group-centric, skill-centric and then self- determining before moving into the post conventional stage. Next is the post conventional stage and the transcendent stage which is characterized by real wisdom. An ego at this stage is able to self reflect, understand his or her own biases, it starts to see things with much more depth, it is able to think in terms of systems, and is able to strip away illusions. Within this category are the self questioning, self actualizing, construct- aware and unitive stages. I am the empty void of Nothingness I am quite literally the only person on this desolate planet. Every image inside of my head about my friends and family, all bullshit, not true. I am the only person here. But I'm not a person, I am beyond labels. I have no memory, I have no friends, I have no family, I have no brain, I have to no body, I am nothing but an empty vast space of pure awareness. This is what my true nature is. Let go of the ego, let go of the self image, let go of everything that you hold near and dear and you will realize that you are the one thing that the entire universe is made up of. This must be true because reality only has one Truth, it is made up of one substance and this substance cannot be communicated, but in order to point yourself into the right direction, we're going to call it pure awareness. Pure Awareness is that there is and is all that you are, all that I am. As soon as you start searching for Truth, you are lost. Truth cannot be found because it is already there, it has always been there and always will be. Do not search for Truth. Simply allow Truth to be perceived in your direct experience. Truth does not lie. Truth does not hide itself from you. As a matter of fact, it has no where to hide. It is very important for me to start vocalizing that I DO NOT KNOW TRUTH. What I am doing here is merely attempting to discover what is true by ways of writing down what I believe is true. I do not know what Truth is. I don't. The fact that I am judging others for not pursuing Truth is utter blasphemy when I do not know Truth at all. I haven't even discovered a sliver of Truth. You either have it or you don't. And I don't have it.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #157 ~ Sun May 31 '26 Okay so its Sunday May 31, 2026 and this is the first day of the second attempt at using this journal to develop habits and disciplines that last and will make my life more organized and therefore more effective at impacting others and discovering Truth. This morning, I woke up from my slumber and my phone was dead so my alarm didn't go off. I'm laying there with full knowledge that I'm trying to wake up at 7:30 am every morning from now on, but I do not want to get out of bed. This happens a lot. I must have laid there for a good 40 minutes. I finally decide to get up and I head to the bathroom. Theres a clock in there above the toilet and I take a look at it to see what the damage is and to be surprise, its 7:31 am. Its funny how things work out sometimes. I plan on showering but I just really don't want to, I feel so tired, the last thing I want to do is get wet so I go downstairs to make myself some black tea. I bring the tea back upstairs and now I'm ready to get in the shower. The goal here is to be done by 8 am. I get in the shower and I complete all of my necessary routines, I comb my hair, oil my beard, and brush and floss my teeth - all by 8:00 am. So I succeeded on day one. Then I sit on my bed and I meditate for 20 minutes. And there you go, I finished my morning routine in a timely fashion on day one. Great job! Morning routine: 7:30-8:00 AM: Wake up at 7:30 am: 1/1 Shower: 1/1 Groom hair: 1/1 Groom beard: 1/1 Brush teeth: 1/1 Floss teeth: 1/1 8:00-8:30 AM Meditate: 1/1 And thats it for the morning routine. This is really nice honestly, I think I can definitely do this, its going to take some discipline but these are the kind of habits that set your day up for success without overwhelming you. After this morning routine, I started cleaning my room and I put some laundry in, which I should check in on now. I also went to the police station to drop off unused medication, went to the drug store to get baby aspirin, and I talked to my dad. This has been an incredibly productive day and I feel great. Now, its 10:36 AM and I am going to my cousins softball game which is 45 minutes away and at 1 o'clock. I would also like to stop by a tattoo shop and talk to them a little bit about the tattoo that I want and tell them that I'm on blood thinners. That reminds me, I have to move my doctors appointment with my cardiologist so that I don't have to miss work. So anyways, I have 1 hour left for my clothes to be done in the dryer, then I am going to put them away and then leave for the tattoo shop. I will leave by 12 pm and go straight to the tattoo place. Then I'll head to the softball game, then I'll make sure that I leave there by 2:50 because I'm having my friends over at 4. Lots of moving parts. Okay, next thing, at night, I would really like to have a routine of brush teeth, wash face, no electronics before 11pm. I think thats fair and this combined with the morning routine is sufficient for now to focus on. So ideally, once 11 o'clock hits, I go into the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, and then head to bed, you can set the alarm but NO MORE using your phone, the phone goes away and just take out a book and allow it to make your eyes tired. Night time routine: 11:00 pm Brush teeth: Wash face: No electronics: One thing that I do struggle with is I have a lot of things that I want to do and master, this causes me to feel overwhelmed and its like should I journal about students and their needs and lesson plan, should I do Truth work and journal some more, should I read a spiritual book, should I work on choreography.... AHHHH I DON'T KNOW! You see, its great to have a lot things that I'm working on, the mastery process is never ending, but how do I make sure that I'm not overwhelmed, how do I have clarity and confidence in the things that I'm doing. Lets take a look at everything that you're pursuing right now: Tattoos - I want to start the process of getting tattoos - this requires me to start going to tattoo shops and getting consultations - I also have to talk to my doctor to see if what he thinks as I am on blood thinners My dance job - there are several things to focus on at work, I have to develop choreography, I have numerous projects that I'm working on with students and each one is different, I have to develop lesson plans for my students, then there is also certification I will need to start door dashing as soon as I move out because I will need the extra income Buying a new car - one that has good mileage, then I can give dad his car back Saving money Working out - getting a shredded physique Doing laundry every weekend Washing sheets every weekend Reading spiritual books As you can see, there are so many fuckin' things to work on, it boggles my mind and I don't think that I can handle it... And I'm not even back at work yet, I have all of the time in the world right now and I'm still feeling overwhelmed with everything that I want to do. Here's the thing though, these things that you are pursuing have been constructed by you, you do not have to do any of them, you could drop buying a new car, although that doesn't sound wise, you could drop getting tattoos, that probably does sound wise honestly, why don't we get these other things figured out first before jumping into tattoos. Tattoos are fun, but you don't have your necessities down, your room is messy a good amount of the time, you don't have good habits yet, why would you get a tattoo right now? You're right, some of these things need to come later. What would be nice is if I had a set time to work on things, so like I know that I'm going to put in 2 hours a week on Truth work and I know that I am going to meet up with my friends for this many hours, etc. Then I decide what I'm gonna do and then execute it. And if I have to readjust then of course I will. I'd like to have a way to have things planned out for the next 6 months so that I know exactly what I'm doing and then have a way of tracking that progress because things never go perfectly. But if I have things planned out that far in advance, I don't have to waste energy in real time thinking about it, I can just execute. That is what I want to do. I want my students to have a 6 month plan in which I know exactly what I want to do with them. You plan it out immediately and for as long as time will allow. I also want a plan for myself for lifting weights and getting shredded. Lets write down EVERYTHING that is important to you right now: Saving money Getting shredded and jacked Successful dance instructor Truth realized Well educated Full body orgasms while having sex Those are the 6 major things that I'm working on. If I can develop a 6 month plan for myself to make progress in these 6 areas, that's all you can really ask for. I would really like to add one whole day goal, which is no ejaculation. I have gained so much energy through the work here, you've also got to understand, this isn't really a streak journal, its a way to track how many times a month I can accomplish this habit. I know I'm not going to be perfect, this is a way to track progress and growth. Stop stressing yourself out, you're doing great, lets progress at the proper speed for you. Whole day goals: No ejaculation: 0/1 No porn: 0/1

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #156 Okay so I really need 2 journals on here, one for my dream state character, who I really do care about and who wants a lot of things in this material world before truly transcending into the infinite. I've been spending so much time on my spiritual work that I haven't really been paying attention to this dream world character that quite frankly is not ready to transcend this world at all. I wish he was, but every time I make progress on the spiritual front, I hurtle back down to the ground with an ego backlash. He's just not ready, he's too immature, and he has no discipline. That's what this journal is going to address, discipline and habits. When I started journal back in October of last year, I really wanted to make it work and my strategy to make it work was to grind and brute force my way through everything. This was not sustainable as it become draining and frustrating. There were many highlights from the experience though, the appearance of my physique quickly improved, I was meditating more often, I stopped drinking for 6 months, I wasn't using my phone before bed, and I was watching a lot less porn. The reason I stopped with this journal is I had a heart surgery at the end of April so by like mid March, I was pretty checked out because it just felt like everything I was building towards was going to be for nothing because I would be bed ridden for several weeks and there's nothing I could do about it. I'm hurtling towards this thing and I can't get off the ride and I know it's gonna crash. It was a strange feeling of limbo, and there was really nothing I could do about it except try to continue to build momentum for myself which would probably help me once I got back from recovering but it was difficult to keep the internal motivation. Now that I'm almost 5 weeks out of recovery from surgery, I'm starting to get back to life as usual. I have lost A LOT of muscles, my physique does not look attractive anymore. My pecs are completely gone, and overall I just don't have that athletic build that I used to have. You see, this dream state character wants things, he wants to become an amazing dancer, he wants an attractive physique, he wants a little house that's tucked away in the woods, he wants to enjoy company with friends and family, he wants to be well educated, and he wants to understand Truth. My job with this journal is to create a habit list that is going to hold him accountable and make it possible for him to accomplish his goals. What are some of the habits that you had been using before? Morning routine: Wake up at 7:30 am Meditate Shower Groom hair and beard Brush teeth Floss The idea is that this is all taken care of in 30 minutes. The idea is to be timely, very timely so that everything eventually just flows seamlessly from one habit to the next. This was very difficult for me to implement as my mind loves to be undisciplined, it doesn't like it when I give it restrictions. For example, my mind will have an urge to do a fantasy football draft at 7:30 am, as soon as I wake up. Now, I know I made a vow to get my ass out of bed at 7:30, but the mind feels too powerful and it overrides my desire to get out of bed and shower. Whole day goals: No porn No ejaculation No weed Weekly goals: Do laundry Work out 3 times / week Meal prep 2x a week