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I'm not sure why I'm posting this exactly. I'm fairly new to this and I'm sure I have nothing to add you all haven't heard before. It was pretty interesting to me though lol. I don't know if their is any truth to this or if It was just some kind of expanded ego state? Whatever that even means... I guess I don't really know anything for sure anymore. I took 3.5 grams of mushrooms. I was very nervous and shaky before I took them. It took me 45 minutes to work up the courage to just take them. I felt fine during the come up, just a little nervous. I found myself becoming what I can best describe as some kind of hyper dimensional soup. I couldn’t tell you when or how the transition happened. If something like this picture (see attachments) was alive and self aware. Able to mix and unmix itself in any dimension. Only way way weirder than it sounds. This was so alien and whacked out I couldn’t even be afraid. I was just there experiencing more like a state of shock and confusion but not really in a bad way. It was just too strange and mesmerizing to be negative. At some point the soupy experience began to fade and I was more aware of the room I was in. I also by this point had gone insane. It’s strange because I knew I had taken mushrooms and I knew that they had made me insane. I also knew that everything happening was temporary. Every experience is temporary. Even if I was in hell it couldn’t last forever. So again there was no real fear or panic. Just a strange fascination with the situation. To be the witness of your own insanity is quite the thing. It was like I realized paradoxes about my own existence/reality and then fell through them. Like realizing a strange loop and then becoming stuck in it. Experiencing something like the following picture in a kind of looping eternal moment. I can’t really describe what it was like any better even to myself. I have a sense that If I could fully remember what it was like I would still be insane right now and unable to describe it anyway. If I could fully re-realize the paradoxes I would be stuck in them again. I don’t know that for sure though maybe I just can’t remember. It was like remembering something I had forgotten on purpose. My wife told me at one point I was asking why I took them. “Why did I do this to myself”? I was staring at the wall and started gasping loudly in shock and them calmly said “oh that’s why, to remember”. The eeriest thing about all of this was the strong sense of dejavu I had. I will try as best as I can to explain this but it’s going to be a nonsensical mess. At some point the insanity was subsiding and things were becoming more cohesive again. I was in the room and in my body but I noticed that “Matt” wasn’t there. There was no center anymore. There were no more thoughts. Just this rock solid immovable presence encompassing the whole room and everything in it including “my” body. Like I had become a perfect mirror mirroring itself. I could “see” my own reflection in everything. Normally you think of your skin as the barrier between you and the world. Like your sense of self starts in your head and extends to the limits of your body. Now my sense of self had extended beyond the body and into the rest of the room. My body had become the whole room. Normally just sitting here you aren’t aware of lets say your feet. But if you stop and focus on them you can sense an energy or presence to them. If you put your awareness on them you can feel their existence. It was like my “awareness muscle” had been ratcheted up a few degrees and I could take in much more than usual. I was having simultaneous sensations of being the body, the air, the walls and other “inanimate” objects. I was fully in everything, fully alive and conscious but at the same time not any one thing in particular. It felt like perfection, like time and space was something I made up, like I was in the center of infinity. Like it was way too good to be true. Like pure happiness. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where, when, why, or how I am. I only know that I am. I am this presence. I am right now forever. I am the nothing that is everything. It seemed like the most obvious thing ever. At one point I took my clothes off and was dancing around the room. Then I calmed down and sat quietly with this peace for maybe an hour before I came back to my normal senses, just taking it in and grinning ear to ear. Lets say you are looking at the picture of this landscape and you realize all you are really looking at is pixels on a screen. There is actual no separation between anything in the image. There isn’t a tree over here and a person over there, just the appearance of it. The screen is one just one solid object. The pixels have the potential to display an infinite number of images and this landscape is just one finite example of those. The pixels are nothing yet they are what everything is made out of. Now lets say you are the person in this picture and you realize that what you actually are is just pixels on a screen. You realize that “you” don’t really exist. “You” are just an image or an idea. There is no person, no tree, no water. There is only infinite pixels taking on different appearances and you are that. There is only this one presence taking on different appearances. There is only this and this is nothing and everything and everyone. This presence is the only actor on this stage and it’s playing all the parts at once. I am literally you and you are literally me and we are literally nothing. Reality is ONE thing/nothing. Your ego is just a character, a story, just memory and imagination, just repeating thought patterns. Your ego is just a thought. You are what the thoughts are appearing in and the thoughts are at the same time made out what you are. Your ego is the clouds, your true identity is the sky. What did I take away from this practically? This experience has pretty much evaporated my depression overnight. Nothing in my life has changed except for me. I understand how irrelevant all my bullshit and suffering is. How I feel about something has nothing to do with what actually is. I am only just fighting with myself internally. I can either accept a situation, calmly take steps to change a “bad” situation, or accept that I can’t change it. Everything else is madness. You can look at a child crying because they got the wrong mcdonalds toy. From your perspective you understand how silly and pointless it is but the child thinks it’s the only thing that matters. You understand that this toy won’t even matter to the child a minute from now. Ego is a whining selfish child. Ego is a kind of insanity Just let it go.

Last night I took 600 mg of DXM and combined it with cannabis. I had an experience that was more profound than the experiences I've had through Shrooms and LSD. Essentially, I became completely conscious that each moment is eternal. This experience utterly shocked the shit out of me. It was so profound yet so alien that I thought I had become completely insane. Perhaps it was all just delusion; however, in that precise moment there was absolutely no distinguishing between real and unreal.

Thank you for that affirmation @Synchronicity - My daughter is probably going to be in a boat much like yours. Her father (we're divorcing) thinks I'm generally crazy/the butt of a new-aged joke (funny thing, he was attracted to me because I was "goth"(ish) but has zero respect for anything deeper than a corset and some black eyeliner). When she had her last sleep experience, he was in her face yelling at her, shaking her, "tell me what's happening. Snap out of it! Wake up! It's just your mind playing tricks on you. What's going on?" and berated her for it for DAYS afterward "what was that? You need to tell me what you were thinking. Do you even remember that that happened?!" And she was clearly put off by his questions and didn't want to talk about it. She just woke up this morning in a fine mood, and hasn't mentioned it, so I'm just loving her the way I always do-- if she wants to talk, I'm here, but this is not a thing to be "fixed through power and logic." (His M.O.) Also, a fun alignment- I had lots of "alien" stuff going on when I was a kid, too. I don't know that my dad ever figured out that my thing for The Blue Angels isn't entirely about the FA-18 Hornet warplanes. Well, I bet he's figured it out now that he's passed. lol

My parents had to deal with a ton of this when I was a kid. My mom was more open-minded than my dad, so she was the one that I usually talked about this stuff with. That’s the main thing she did. She just remained open-minded and when I brought up an experience that I thought was no big deal, she encouraged me to talk more in-depth about it. This was one of the ways that I found out my experiences weren’t typical. This caused a chain-reaction of me bringing up crazier and crazier stories to her and there was a point where she actually started to get worried. It was too much for her despite how open-minded she was. This caused us to get into a couple of arguments at times while my dad would just joke around about me being an alien Lol (not in a mean way... he actually seemed convinced which was kinda eerie). Yet, despite the challenges that my mom faced with confronting how radical everything that I told her was, she continued to let me talk about as much as I could and continued to listen intently. Now she trusts me completely and actually comes to me with some of her questions. This alone, I think, has been enough. And it sounds like you’re not only listening to and trusting your daughter but also spiritually helping her with your own abilities. This is already much more than my parents could’ve done. Even as a very young kid, I was left to face the nightmarish side of the spirit world on my own. I had encounters with frightening beings that other kids my age wouldn’t face for another decade (when they were old enough to enjoy horror movies). So the fact that your daughter doesn’t have to go it alone is spectacular for her. In my opinion, you’re going above and beyond the mark??

@2_spirit Lets imagine that 90% of the fans of Joker and other such villains that use psychology to cause terror would be angry at the society and depressive. Wouldnt a movie of a villain they can identify as lower their tendencies to act in the real world? Wouldnt these people more likely numb down after seeing their wildest fantasies come true rather than spark their passion to act on their suffering in societal destructive ways? Personally I see that majority of Joker fans are people who love to see psychology used as a terror weapon. Thats a type of villain that the society has refused to provide us for thousands of years. All we got is black and white fantasy, like Sauron is ultimate evil or Thanos is ultimate evil, or Superman is ultimate good. Movie like The Joker is a great step towards more complex stories which dont rely on backgrounds that can be summed up in "Alien from another planet" or "My dad forced me to smile" or "USA turned a rifleman into supersoldier". Joker feels like a human gone nuts, not like an alien gone nuts. This is also why I also love batman, his background is complex too. I guess it could be that people are afraid of a villain whom they dont understand, or they identify with too much? Like if they came up with a supervillain that was exactly like Batman but turned evil because he had trouble growing up because of depression and anxieties, that would probably cause a huge backlash

Why don't I connect with people? 1 Concious step closer Background I dont(and haven't since I was a child) felt connected with friends, relatives, etc. The biggest issue with this is I care deeply about my career, and not having the charisma, or ability to connect with people affect that. People don't trust me, aren't interested in talking to me, and don't help me. I have no idea why. I can feel I don't connect, that I don't relate. Everything he or she cares about, I don't care about. His/her opinions about life do not align with me. She/he sees the world one way, I see it another. The person cant find a common thread to connect with me in, to share a common experience, im different in every way. They feel like they are talking to an alien, someone outside the social norm and this scares them. Its uncanny, something isnt right. They can sniff im being inauthentic, trying to be normal when im not. They hate being in this feeling of uncanny. Am I wasting my time with this person? Is this person safe to talk to? Is talking to someone as uncool as this affecting my social status? They leave at the first instant possible. Having said that, it's not like this with everyone. There are some people out there that are just so joyful, so charismatic, so happy that they can turn the uncanny sensations they feel from me into something comfortable - if they even need to consciously put effort here at all. But this is 1/10 people. Insight What i experienced today was awe striking. I was at a networking event. I was alone, which is quite normal, watching everyone around me having their conversations over beers. There were clusters of people all mingling together. As I was listening to their conversations, suddenly all of the semantic meaning of their speeches just dropped. Instead of listening to their words I listened to the energy that their words were spoken with. I became conscious of their auras, their vibrations. And I saw with my own eyes, that rapport was not being developed by what they were saying, but rather by the orchestration of people's energies/vibrations dancing with each other in a synchrony. Wow all your life you've been brought up with the importance of the words you use and how you use them. Then I just had the experience where the semantic meaning of what people said was not a cause, but a side effect of the interactions of energies between people. Why can't I connect with people? Its not my body expression, it's not my smile or lack of, it's not the way I dress. Its non of that stuff. Its my energy, my presence, my aura. What I say is almost unimportant(surprisingly!). Its literally the energy in the words i say that count. I could say "your dick is quite small but i like you" and if i say it with a strong, present, comfortable presence and energy, they wont feel uncomfortable. If i say "Hi pleasure to meet you" and say it with an anxious energy, they will run a mile. At the end of the day, it doesn't solve my problem because my vibration/energy does not resonate with theirs, but it gives me a deeper appreciation for what is causing me to not connect with people, which is significant for me personally.

Over the past five years I have been diving deeply and consistently into the nature of reality and myself. They're both the same thing. I have had several deep and very profound and indeed life changing nondual and psychedelic experiences at this point. I understand that everything in the totality of existence is all fundamentally and inexorably one. I have traveled to places within consciousness that are beyond the human imagination. I have had my sense of self and eradicated and reformed several times now. Looking into the viewport of infinity is indeed breathtaking beyond all comprehension. You really are absolutely infinite and so beautifully glorious beyond what our bodies and brains are physically evolved to comprehend right now. However there is something within me that is seemingly contently disinterested with phenomenological existence. I do not want to play this game anymore. I feel like no matter what I experience in this life, no matter where I go there will still always be a part of me that is just over the experience of existing as an individuation of consciousness at any level whether it be at a human level, bacterium level or godlike cybernetic alien level it’s all not the absolute truth, just more of this multiversal, multidimensional game of exploratory consciousness. After I live my life and die there is a very strong feeling at the “core” (there is no core) of my consciousness that I never want to reincarnate in any way. While that is an ego driven statement I feel that there is something within myself that this is coming from a place of much deeper much more comprehensive inner standing and understanding of phenomenological existence and it’s alternative merging COMPLETELY into God consciousness so fully that any hope or possibility of incarnation into the realm of form is entirely extinguished. No thought no mind, no form no play, simply infinite incomprehensible nothingness, the purest expression of God. Over the past year a feeling has arisen within myself that wants this life of this specific individuation of consciousness to be the last physical expression that this individuation of consciousness ever experiences. The feeling and sense of relief is what I long for. I long for the ending of all experience by this individuation. The thought of an I experiencing reality no longer is the all encompassing thing that it once was. Now the idea of an I experiencing reality seems so superficial and somewhat shallow in a sense. I enjoy life and its many phenomena but I can so clearly see ( at an increasing rate) the illusion of all of the realm of form. Expression, experience and phenomenological existence go together. And there is such a powerful longing within my energetic composition to just have relief from being, relief from form, relief from experience I feel like I have done this so many times. I feel that I have played this game an infinite number of times. Now there is a tiredness to it all. I am all,every subatomic particle, every atom, every cell, every organism in the multitude of multiverses every object in all of existence. I am the infinite Holon. I am immortal, timeless, and infinite in every way. Yet and still within this body, within this specific individuation of consciousness, within this trans-temporal energetic being I feel a strong urge to never want to return to this place. It matters not what form consciousness takes it all boils down to this. Same shit different form. You are God experiencing itself in every way that there is and isn't. After you have seen into infinity and lived in that place all of the forms become trivial they are no longer something to go after or to awe at when gazed upon. Its all infinite and there are never-ending forms but it all becomes ‘predictable’. You predict the outlandish and the mundane to the point where it becomes all just “meh” at a certain point of being blasted into infinity so many times. Viewing and being the infinite myriad of forms organisms, technologies, energies eventually it reaches a point of simply a pretty existential first person light show. The illusion is seen through and compared to truth the realm of forms and limitation becomes shallow in its substances. The transcendence of survival is a necessary place to come to in this work and an inevitable point. I have not transcended survival and am still subject to it’s whims but there are times ( and they are becoming increasingly more common) where I can get into states of consciousness where in those moments I would be 100% OK with dying. However I am only 22 years old and thus I would like to complete my bucket list before I leave this place and I have so much work to do on myself in this life; and so much more fun to have; and so many more things to explore. I do not hate life I enjoy it and all of it’s beautiful weirdness but it’s illusory nature no longer has the same charm and allure as it had before in my perception. The world of form is BS and while it is truth on a relative level it will never be the absolute truth due to the fact that life is navigating forms, whether they be physical or nonphysical. It is because of this why “I” (at a level beyond ego that is inexplicable to me currently) want out of this game at all levels permanently. You could incarnate into any multitude of alien species, Tryptamine entities, light beings, demigods, lichens, molds, insects, bacterium. While it is all you exploring and experiencing yourself once complete nondual awareness is had this experiencing looses it’s allure. It doesn't matter what form you take anymore. The destination and “point” of it all is the same. Simply put ULTIMATE UNION WITH GOD. This means a complete secession of all types of form and all types of experience, it is the embodiment and paradox of absolute nothingness. Not nonexistence, because God is infinite and thus nonexistence cannot exist; but nothingness in the sense of no longer being an individuation of consciousness bound to form and experience of any and all kind. It is this secession which is the omega point of this creation of this game. According to Buddhism the entirety of the realm of form is suffering in some way. This is Samsara. Nirvana is the release of this and the permanent secession of the individuated conscious experiencing of phenomenological existence. Absolute union with God. No more false boundaries, no more illusions. Just the simple truth. All incarnation is an infinitely intelligent yet amnesiac God exploring to know its infinite self. However there comes a point where for individuations this experiencing of fundamentally illusory forms is no longer necessary for understanding. There is a transcendent something beyond being, beyond phenomena. Phenomenological existence is not the only way that God can know itself. However it is the only way that we can know ourselves. As lifeforms we highly value life to the point of delusion. I have no way to back up what I am about to say here; but life and the totality of phenomenological existence in my experience feels like a preliminary training ground for something else. This place is illusion and with illusion comes pain and suffering in one way or another. At the end of the day all holons of existence especially organisms organisms “want” to be happy, and to know that they are God. I do wonder if there will be a point (Yes I know time does not truly exist) where all individuations of consciousness in the totality of phenomenological existence will realize and embody God consciousness and this section of the game will end. It’s just a thought I have sometimes. I know that God is infinite and thus I am infinite.

How could God not be curious about itself? God is too amazing and too mysterious to not be curious about itself. Imagine if you went to sleep in your bed and then magically woke up the next day on an alien planet. You would naturally be extremely curious to explore it. You wouldn't wake up and be like, "Oh, it's just some alien planet. Boring! I'm going back to sleep." Instead you'd say, "OMG! WTF is this? Let's look around. This is amazing stuff!"

natural, fresh, and whole, is a perspective, to lack something, you need an understanding of lack vs full. whole, vs empty. to see something as big you need to create a duality. between a full cup and an empty cup. from a god perspective, there is no chemical, everything come from "here" and everything is alien. food is alien, whole food is alien, looking at your hand is not physical, if you look at it for like 200 seconds, and don't try to think, you'll MAYBE get the ultimate. Then project this ultimate awareness of your hand, and imagine all "science actuality" is in fact, deeply created by minds, minds of human, that are picking tiny fragment of infinite interpretation of the nothingness. Nothingness that is all the things around you since you're "born". Until you realise ultimately that being born is aswell a thought in the now. there is food bad for some, good for others, and there is almost no way to know for sure what's good, that's the ultimate mindfuck, that's why thinking looks more & more like a tool and not like a toxic need that will help me figure out reality. It could, but for this, I need to be aware that I m handling a tool, that I m and I m not the thought. The most self belief people inflict to themself is believing being this or that, like, I m a black, I m a french, I m a dentist, those sort of things, but in nothingness that is the ultimate reality, there is no such thing, and you'll ever be nothing, just like everyone else. & a carni or vegan diet, both could be healthy or killing you, it will depend, of your personnal reaction. Poison is Cure, the cure is sometimes poison.

I am saying exactly what I am saying. We keep looking for what make us different, we keep getting away from oneness. It is simple. No much to explain. Actually I don't like talking about this subject because once people start separating their sex/mind/body this way, it becomes a complex net hard to get out of, and in general they don't want to get out of it. You keep thinking I don't understand you, and you start being ironic and talking to me like I was stupid. I don't really know your real intention on this thread. I thought you were looking for an answer (or at least for different opinions about) for "is thinking you are the opposite sex unconscious?". And my short answer is: yes. It's like thinking you are a cat or an alien, just because you are not. I carefully measured my words trying to be the most polite and compassive I could. I'm sorry if they can't help you any way. I understand it's not easy to consider different points of view about a thing we are so attached to. If you allow me giving you a piece of advice: keep exercising it with truth deep in your heart. You don't have to defend yourself of anything, you don't have to fight. You only have to sincerely consider. Peace.

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I won't go into details (which is huge. Buddhists have done investigation for 1000s of years) For starters, I will say, he walks and talks like the Buddha. He is calm all the time, and never angry (just an example, it's not confined to this alone) With that logic, you also don't know whether I am an alien or a human and vice versa. This is a problem discussed by Neil de grasse Tyson in a youtube video that I don't remember.

Thank you. I wasn't aware it was a "thing". Yet I think I took it one step further with my alien society, lol.

@Hansu This might lead a way. Just a small exercise while you are exploring this subject: You may do it as long as you want. Go make a list of lets say 20 right and 20 left wing videos or websites. Watch them with complete presence. Try to see what they see. Why it is important to them, why does it make sense to them, what did they see so that particular thing clicked with them, what do they love, what hurts them. What are the healthy chunks, what are the neurotic ones. Do it with depth, sink into them, forget what or who you are, sink into them, be present 100%. You'll notice that these people will become extremely weird, even alien to you. That is the point where you have heard them. And will understand them. It will than be easier or even automatic for you to reflect on the shortcomings of your current political stance. I'd say it is better to move away from it and see it from another point. You cant really see it if you are standing on it. I also think it is better to just see it, than to analyze it. Its based on things people feel deeply about after all, so its a good start. Too much thinking can tie you in a knot It clicked with me, it might with you. Hope it helped.

I like the comment in the video "How would you design a society if you did not know your place within that society?". If someone can truly surrender into this, it is a great frame to reveal personal dynamics. Imagine designing this society. . . be careful, you don't know if you will be a gun advocate or a victim of a mass shooting. You don't know if you are an insecure hyper-masculine male or an LBTQ that has suffered stigmatization and attempted suicides. You don't know if you are a criminal, a victim of crime or a police officer. Whether you are black or white. . . The hard part is fully surrendering one's identity. For example, a privileged white person may say "OK, I can imagine that. . . I don't know what person I will be in the society. I will design a society with "equality and justice for all" that way, whoever I am, I will have equality and justice". Yet what this person doesn't realize is that "equality and justice for all" is going through a privileged white filter. "Equality and Justice for all" will appear very differently through an LGBTQ, female, POC filter. That is the second level of realization. A half step might be image you have to design an alien society of the "paltik", "smethod" and "rifblin" beings. Since we don't identify as "paltik", "smethod" and "rifblin" beings, we would start off without identifying with any of the groups. They all start off equal. The challenge is to maintain this non-bias as we begin to learn more about each group - as we learn about each group, the personal/human tendency is to start identifying with one group. For example, the paltiks may have black hodflets, while the rifblins have white hodflets. This would introduce the first opportunity for identification/bias toward one group.

@kieranperez Hahaha like I said in the video, I’m able to function because of how well all of the experiences are meshed into one singular overall “experience.” The downside is that this makes it virtually impossible to dial in on each piece and accurately distinguish or manipulate it. However, I still feel every sensory perception of every experience (including yours). It’s all in there. Even the experience of what it’s like to be a wall. That experience is nothing like a human experience. I can’t explain it to you because the sensations of a wall are radically alien compared to human sensations. My relationship to Liberation and self-survival isn’t something that I get into with anyone really because it excuses one from self-work. So how do I know this is all true? How can I be sure that this experience isn’t a delusion? The first answer is that this experience is infinitely more tangible than each of the pieces where someone is asking me how I know it’s true Lol So if I cross this experience off the list as “unreal,” I would have to do the same with you. Even calling this an experience isn’t enough. Experiences rely on Awareness but this goes beyond that. An Awareness can be unaware and deceived. But this goes beyond knowing and awareness. It gives me a sense of certainty that knowing can’t.

Because you are hit with such a powerful force you need to be alone to learn to stabilize the energy and balance everything and be the master observer you are out or you will be too Alien for the rest of the world. If you come out prematurely, everyone will think you are insane and crazy and it could backfire if you are not wise enough, no one will understand you nor will you be able to relate much to what's now so small and insignificant to you.

@GromHellScream ? Noted. You’re on my list of selves to dial into. Hopefully it turns out to be you you Lol Ethan’s life is quasi-normal Lol He attends the University of Oklahoma as a Philosophy major and student-athlete (gymnast). He watches YouTube, movies and TV shows in his free time. Sophisticated stuff like Science or History Channel shows but also more crude stuff like Family Guy, American Dad, Rick & Morty etc. He hangs out with some friends and teammates. He’ll drink occasionally at parties but has only gotten black-out drunk once. He usually just shoots for a nice buzz rather than getting drunk Lol That’s about where the normalcy ends... Ethan’s not a virgin but he’s never had a girlfriend. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because other people have a hard time relating to him. Relationships are built on the root word relate for a reason. It’s difficult to build up relationships with people who can’t relate with who you are. The reason that most people are unable to relate to Ethan isn’t because he constantly brings up existential topics. Ethan has tried to act as “normal” as possible around other people but his vibe is so strange and different that they get an immediate sense of something unknown from him. He knows this because he’s asked friends about what sort of vibe he gives off and his own parents have always jokingly called him an alien. Even his friends referred to him as an alien before they ever even heard him talk about existential topics. Nobody says these things with negative connotation. Ethan’s friends and family love him and show him respect but at the same time, they just don’t know what to make of him. But, Ethan is making more and more connections and relating to people on more and more levels to take care of this. There’s deeper strangeness in his life but this post is already long and I don’t want to bog you down with too much here. But feel free to ask me more anytime! I’m always down to get to know people? As for your last question: Yes, some of these other lives are concrete and physical in the same way your life is. Some are lighter and less physical while other are even heavier and more tangible. There’s infinitely many degrees of this tangibility and how real each life can feel

I hope I recall the exercise correctly otherwise I want to first reflect upon my small decision I made yesterday and that I in general feel more happy working and being at the workplace then being at home or in my home town. So I deleted all games again from my laptop and will care more about things that are fun to me that I feel, like reading a bit, journaling, programming etc. So, I can work on these things including the gym and ideally also find a routine that is not 1h long. (The more toxic video games that where I am not consciouess enough...) I also found a psychdelic that "should" still be legal here in Germany through the forum here and a quick search, yet I will postpone all of this because of my bachelors degree. I dont think it is wise or smart to do this when nothing of it is done and I need a week or longer to recover when a normal video can knock me out for 2 days. There will be some video games that I still will be playing since I dont know what else to do with my time here there are no proper hobbies or distractions that I could start such as going to the museum or smth similar. ( And they are more conscious like Divinity 2 Original Sins) So the task was to observe microfears for a week ? Not sure anymore about macrofears. I figure most wont do this, I wrote down my fears in my physical journal and I dont have it with me now so I will write down my macro fears here and will do a quick rewatch of the task. I will write down my macrofears here first from what I can recall and new fears. - Fear of failure - Fear of being ridiculed - Fear of being great - Fear of performance - Fear of looking stupid - Fear of wasps... - Fear of my own power - Fear of my own anger and impulsivness - Fear of darkness - Fear of my illusions - Fear of pain !! - Fear of overcoming obstacles - Fear of death - Fear of life itself - Fear of being inferior - Fear of being incompetent - Fear of being not intelligent - Fear of feeling vulnerable - Fear of being better than others and showing it openly - Fear greater people diminishing me - Fear of feeling small - Fear of not being satisfied - Fear of boredom - Fear of showing up - Fear of being alien to others - Fear of showing my highly compassionate nature - Fear of being a kid - Fear of excitement - Fear of being couragous - Fear of being seen as weird - Fear of being a nerd - Fear of racism - Fear of ethnocentrism - Fear of "pultocracy" or yuppies who do everything to gain status - Fear of modern family lol Microfears: - Fear of getting to know people - Fear of people recognizing me - Fear of social rejection - Fear of talking to people - Fear of being made fun out of - Fear of not getting enough sleep - Fear of not being good enough - Fear of rash decision which are made against me - Fear of the reperucssions of my actions - Fear of women making me feel inferior because I am a minority - Fear of being treated unjustly - Fear of eating unhealthy foods - Fear of eating to much meat - Fear of not eating healthy enough - Fear of not making any progress - Fear of stagnation - Fear of feeling overwhelmed - Fear of not doing enough work - Fear of not having enough fun - Fear of missing out - Fear of not taking action to travel more - Fear of to much safety - Fear of specific people with names - Fear of being seen as to weak - Fear of not persevering - Fear of projection - Fear of being misunderstood - Fear of people liking me - Fear of abusing my power and control over others - Fear of having to much impact - Fear of correcting and critizing others - Fear of causing drama - Fear of drama causing people This is enough the day is not even over and I listed all of this what I feel and felt in general through out the day toady and the years before. How are these microfears related to my identity ? They make me feel identified with the particular pain that I feel and therefore create a body mind concept, meaning, thought, feeling and the sensation itself build the identity, it is constructed in that particular way and by witnessing it it is actively deconstrcuted as well as the debris of the deconstruction shows what has been constructed in the first place. So, how else are they related ? To my behaviour, to me perception of myself, to the people I attract and what I avoid and how I see myself. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They are shaped by fear in a way which makes me feel depressed, avoidant, angry, resentfull, bitter, hateful, arrogant, spiteful, complacent, justified, vulnerable, despondent, deeply in pain, tortured, and they shape these feelings, they generate a victim mentallity that wants to sustain itself and when noting it it even hurts sometimes. What am I unwilling to experience ? Pain, uncomfortablness, exctasy, bliss, dying, death, justified hatred, vulnerability, tears of release and joy and pain, emotional freedom. Note: I decided to split up my meditation sessions into two times 30 minutes one time mindfulness and the other time behaviour change meditation and try this structure now, to change behaviour.

@Waken No problem. Let me know if you have any more questions! @traveler There have been times where he’s lost motivation. A lot of feelings like that came up for him throughout the Fall of 2017 (when he was 19). During those months, he was just floating through existence. He didn’t turn nihilistic or violent. He still treated everybody respectfully because he felt them (whichever them they were). However, the lack of motivation, ironically, came from that drive to treat people well and make their lives as good as possible. With this experience of Me, Ethan’s always trying to dial in on more parts of Me and erase the suffering in their lives. However, the reality that I have infinitely many facets to dial into and, as such, have too many for all of them to ever be dialed into came crashing down on him. He always knew that but now it was something he focused on. This is when he felt the emptiness and lack of motivation. No matter how many parts of Me are made blissful - even if it’s infinitely many - there’s always going to be infinitely many more left to work on. Again, Ethan didn’t stop treating people well just because of this lack of direction. In fact, this is what helped him find purpose again. He realized that no matter how he felt, he was always going to be this way. Treating people respectfully was second nature to him and nothing, not even lack of meaning, stopped him. The meaning he chose to follow at that point was to keep playing the role of Ethan and keep maximizing bliss within Myself. I may never fully be blissful, but this never-ending Game of expanding it further and further will always keep me purposeful. So to your question of whether this feels like freedom or an infinite trap, it feels like both. Infinity, by nature, is inescapable. Yet, it’s inescapable because it’s boundless. So from the perspective of its inescapability, it’s a prison. However, the reason for its inescapibility (its Infinity) literally makes it free beyond limits. As for teachers in this plane (like the ones you mentioned but also alien teachers) Ethan doesn’t listen to them to learn anything new. If he does that, he finds himself utterly bored. However, when he listens to them just to immerse in the nature of spirituality and existence (like being immersed in poetry) he finds enjoyment.

Yes, because there is no better place to be. Every life has some pros and cons. But ultimately everything is equal, because everything is One. Being limited human is not worse than being limited alien with 10 dicks and 30 hands . Or being Angel is not better than being Human.

@MuddyBoots And that's the problem. Being "enlightened" is actually being more lost than being unconscious. You'll comprehend that sentence AFTER your 387th insight . The world around you, society, money system, jobs etc are not made for awakened people... I have been searching for happiness, but found Truth instead ...Truth does not mean happiness. Many teachers said Don't confuse Truth for happiness. And I did that very thing and than I was disappointed after. Awakened, but still in limited human form, feels like being an alien in today's world, where 99,999 people around you are unconscious. Helping others may be a Trap. It's a paradox. many times by helping others you are preventing them to learn their lesson from their suffering. Being "healer" is in many cases a trap in my opinion. I need ordinary people to put me back on track being normal human again.

1. Come up I was laying in bed with an eye mask on, listening to the John Hopkins spotify playlist through headphones. Pretty soon I was tearing up a bit by the music. But after a while I stopped paying attention to the music and instead was confronted by the strange and alien seeming situation that I was in - I was a biological creature needing to drink and eat, a young man laying in bed high on acid listening to classical music, the son of a single parent mother who is in a different country, a brother of two siblings. All of this seemingly obvious observations and facts, suddenly turned into an alien whirlpool of random thoughts that I had no connection to, I could not relate to them anymore. 2. Confusion Suddenly I had no idea why I am in this situation. Why did I take acid? Why am I listening to strange sounding music that I enjoyed just a few minutes ago? Why am I so confused? I had zero context to what I was doing or why. It seemed completely bizarre. I had no ground, nothing I could be sure of, everything seemed alien, even the thought that I am part of a family. It felt like something has slowly showed a crowbar into my mind and then, with a sudden jerky movement clamped it sideways. I tried to get a grip on reality by thinking about my little brother which normally brings about positive, warm associations in me - but not this time, I felt like a cold alien creature. I tried to eat the food that I love most, delicious mango - but it tasted like soap. 3. Psychotic reaction I was confused beyond comprehension. I thought that I must have taken something that was not real AL-LAD, something that fucked up my psyche, because this experience seemed to have no beneficial elements at all. I had no insights, no emotional releases just stupid confusion. It felt unbearable, I was convinced that "I did it this time". I have come to the logical conclusion that I must have taken a substance from a untrustworthy source (even though a tested the substance) and that I am legitimately mad now. At this point I had no hope that things can get better, I accepted that my life is over and that I will be in a madhouse from now on. I knew that I am not able to take responsibility for my own survival anymore and that I should contact a friend who can bring me into a hospital and help to distribute my materialistic possessions to my family members. 4. I called a friend By a miracle I managed to use a smartphone to call a friend to put the responsibility on her to hospitalize me. I was talking completely gibberish which made her laugh. For me it seemed rude that she laughed at my condition but it helped me a lot to hear her voice and to see her face (video chat). After about one hour of total confusion and alienation from everything I began to notice that by talking to her I was slowly regaining my cognitive abilities and after two hours I felt quite normal again and could laugh about it. 5. What was that? I don't know what to make out of this trip. Was the dose too high which caused my ego to snap? This theme of confusion is something that is recurring in some of my trips, this time it was by far the most intense. Some trips are very insightful and healing but sometimes it is just confusion. Do you have any similar experiences?

Perhaps she is an embodiment of the message she brings forward. To go forward, despite fear and doubt. That is the Warriors way. For a sorcerer, reality, or the world we all know, is only a description that has been pounded into you from the moment you were born. The reality of our day-to-day life, then, consists of an endless flow of perceptual interpretations which we have learned to make in common. I am teaching you how to see as opposed to merely looking, and stopping the world is the first step to seeing. The sorcerer's description of the world is perceivable. But our insistence on holding on to our standard version of reality renders us almost deaf and blind to it. When you begin this teaching, there is another reality, that is to say, there is a sorcery description of the world, which you do not know. As a sorcerer and a teacher, I am teaching you that description. What I am doing with you consists, therefore, in setting up that unknown reality by unfolding its description, adding increasingly more complex parts as you go along. In order to arrive at seeing one first has to stop the world. Stopping the world is indeed an appropriate rendition of certain states of awareness in which the reality of everyday life is altered because the flow of interpretation, which ordinarily runs uninterruptedly, has been stopped by a set of circumstances alien to that flow. In this case the set of circumstances alien to our normal flow of interpretations is the sorcery description of the world. The precondition for stopping the world is that one has to be convinced; in other words, one has to learn the new description in a total sense, for the purpose of pitting it against the old one, and in that way break the dogmatic certainty, which we all share, that the validity of our perceptions, or our reality of the world, is not to be questioned. After stopping the world the next step is seeing. By that I mean what could be categorized as responding to the perceptual solicitations of a world outside the description we have learned to call reality. A man goes to knowledge as he goes to war, wide awake, with fear, with respect, and with absolute assurance. Going to knowledge or going to war in any other manner is a mistake, and whoever makes it will live to regret his steps. When a man has fulfilled those four requisites there are no mistakes for which he will have to account; under such conditions his acts lose the blundering quality of a fool's acts. If such a man fails, or suffers a defeat, he will have lost only a battle, and there will be no pitiful regrets over that. * * * A man of knowledge is one who has followed truthfully the hardships of learning, a man who has, without rushing or without faltering, gone as far as he can in unravelling the secrets of power and knowledge. To become a man of knowledge one must challenge and defeat his four natural enemies. When a man starts to learn, he is never clear about his objectives. His purpose is faulty; his intent is vague. He hopes for rewards that will never materialize for he knows nothing of the hardships of learning. He slowly begins to learn--bit by bit at first, then in big chunks. And his thoughts soon clash. What he learns is never what he pictured, or imagined, and so he begins to be afraid. Learning is never what one expects. Every step of learning is a new task, and the fear the man is experiencing begins to mount mercilessly, unyieldingly. His purpose becomes a battlefield. And thus he has stumbled upon the first of his natural enemies: fear! A terrible enemy--treacherous, and difficult to overcome. It remains concealed at every turn of the way, prowling, waiting. And if the man, terrified in its presence, runs away, his enemy will have put an end to his quest and he will never learn. He will never become a man of knowledge. He will perhaps be a bully, or a harmless, scared man; at any rate, he will be a defeated man. His first enemy will have put an end to his cravings. It is not possible for a man to abandon himself to fear for years, then finally conquer it. If he gives in to fear he will never conquer it, because he will shy away from learning and never try again. But if he tries to learn for years in the midst of his fear, he will eventually conquer it because he will never have really abandoned himself to it. Therefore he must not run away. He must defy his fear, and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next. He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop. That is the rule! And a moment will come when his first enemy retreats. The man begins to feel sure of himself. His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task. When this joyful moment comes, the man can say without hesitation that he has defeated his first natural enemy. It happens little by little, and yet the fear is vanquished suddenly and fast. Once a man has vanquished fear, he is free from it for the rest of his life because, instead of fear, he has acquired clarity--a clarity of mind which erases fear. By then a man knows his desires; he knows how to satisfy those desires. He can anticipate the new steps of learning and a sharp clarity surrounds everything. The man feels that nothing is concealed. And thus he has encountered his second enemy: Clarity! That clarity of mind, which is so hard to obtain, dispels fear, but also blinds. It forces the man never to doubt himself. It gives him the assurance he can do anything he pleases, for he sees clearly into everything. And he is courageous because he is clear, and he stops at nothing because he is clear. But all that is a mistake; it is like something incomplete. If the man yields to this make-believe power, he has succumbed to his second enemy and will be patient when he should rush. And he will fumble with learning until he winds up incapable of learning anything more. His second enemy has just stopped him cold from trying to become a man of knowledge. Instead, the man may turn into a buoyant warrior, or a clown. Yet the clarity for which he has paid so dearly will never change to darkness and fear again. He will be clear as long as he lives, but he will no longer learn, or yearn for, anything. He must do what he did with fear: he must defy his clarity and use it only to see, and wait patiently and measure carefully before taking new steps; he must think, above all, that his clarity is almost a mistake. And a moment will come when he will understand that his clarity was only a point before his eyes. And thus he will have overcome his second enemy, and will arrive at a position where nothing can harm him anymore. This will not be a mistake. It will not be only a point before his eyes. It will be true power. He will know at this point that the power he has been pursuing for so long is finally his. He can do with it whatever he pleases. His ally is at his command. His wish is the rule. He sees all that is around him. But he has also come across his third enemy: Power! Power is the strongest of all enemies. And naturally the easiest thing to do is to give in; after all, the man is truly invincible. He commands; he begins by taking calculated risks, and ends in making rules, because he is a master. A man at this stage hardly notices his third enemy closing in on him. And suddenly, without knowing, he will certainly have lost the battle. His enemy will have turned him into a cruel, capricious man, but he will never lose his clarity or his power. A man who is defeated by power dies without really knowing how to handle it. Power is only a burden upon his fate. Such a man has no command over himself, and cannot tell when or how to use his power. Once one of these enemies overpowers a man there is nothing he can do. It is not possible, for instance, that a man who is defeated by power may see his error and mend his ways. Once a man gives in he is through. If, however, he is temporarily blinded by power, and then refuses it, his battle is still on. That means he is still trying to become a man of knowledge. A man is defeated only when he no longer tries, and abandons himself. He has to come to realize that the power he has seemingly conquered is in reality never his. He must keep himself in line at all times, handling carefully and faithfully all that he has learned. If he can see that clarity and power, without his control over himself, are worse than mistakes, he will reach a point where everything is held in check. He will know then when and how to use his power. And thus he will have defeated his third enemy. The man will be, by then, at the end of his journey of learning, and almost without warning he will come upon the last of his enemies: Old age! This enemy is the cruelest of all, the one he won't be able to defeat completely, but only fight away. This is the time when a man has no more fears, no more impatient clarity of mind--a time when all his power is in check, but also the time when he has an unyielding desire to rest. If he gives in totally to his desire to lie down and forget, if he soothes himself in tiredness, he will have lost his last round, and his enemy will cut him down into a feeble old creature. His desire to retreat will overrule all his clarity, his power, and his knowledge. But if the man sloughs off his tiredness, and lives his fate though, he can then be called a man of knowledge, if only for the brief moment when he succeeds in fighting off his last, invincible enemy. That moment of clarity, power, and knowledge is enough. Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you. Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it. I have told you that to choose a path you must be free from fear and ambition. The desire to learn is not ambition. It is our lot as men to want to know. The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die, and to seek death is to seek nothing. For me there is only the traveling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge for me is to traverse its full length. And there I travel--looking, looking, breathlessly. From: http://www.prismagems.com/castaneda/donjuan1.html That is why this woman gets it. It's not just about the men.

@howdoistopobsessing I think I understand you immensely. The confusion, the indecision, the uncertainty, the fear, the paralysis, the stagnation. Not knowing which path is right, not wanting to commit down the wrong path, the differing of perspectives, contrasting sources saying to do various things. The fears on reality being sasdistic, god being an alien, enlightenment being wrong. I also thought I was the only one. There is a solution however. Regarding the confusion --> journal, research, comtemplate, post to these forums (what you are doing now), etc. Also it seems as if there is the issue of fearing that god is limiting you and also the issue of being afraid of negative consequences of a path and indecision.. For the issue of god limiting you After researching/learning/trying to understand, the next thing is just testing these fears to see if they are true For the issue on indecision I recommend watching Leo's video on "How to deal with confusion" I also recommend taking action regardless of these fears The only thing you can do is take action based on what you know is the best path at the moment, there is no way to know the perfect path right now Know for every practice, even meditation, even self-inquiry, even exercise there will be people who claim it is bad/negative, you just have to use your best judgement to choose whether you are going to do it or not. But don't let your ego trick you into inaction do something Regarding the Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Ji of Art of Living meditation in person, it is rare to have some profound effects after meditating for a short period. I recommend tomorrow you start 1-3 practices. It can be meditation, wim hof method, approaching females, etc. It can be from the list at the bottom of this link https://www.actualized.org/start. Determine to do these practices for a month (or less if that seems daunting) and see if anything improves (Spoiler alert: It will)