mandyjw

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About mandyjw

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  1. I was scrolling Facebook this morning and saw an emotionally sentimental video about motherhood posted by my Mommy friends which I usually scroll on by but today I had an impulse to watch it. I almost stopped because I was a bit disgusted and don't like to have my emotions manipulated shallowly by two minute facebook videos. For someone who sometimes picks up litter off the side of the road because she believes it has meaning for her, you'd think I'd be beyond these judgements, but no. The video was about boys in particular, because Mommy egos often like to separate out which sexes their children are into "Boy Moms" and "Girl Moms". It was full of emotionally triggering imagery and clips and the message was that to a mother, even though her son grows into a man, he is always in her eyes and heart, her baby. And it hit me, that the innocence and inner child is alive and true no matter what we grow into, and this applies to everyone on earth. Can you Love like a Mother? William Blake's Tiger, Tiger poem was meant to be complimentary to this one, which came first. The Lamb Little Lamb who made thee Dost thou know who made thee Gave thee life & bid thee feed. By the stream & o’er the mead; Gave thee clothing of delight, Softest clothing wooly bright; Gave thee such a tender voice, Making all the vales rejoice! Little Lamb who made thee? Dost thou know who made thee? Little Lamb I’ll tell thee, Little Lamb I’ll tell thee! He is called by thy name, For he calls himself a Lamb: He is meek & he is mild, He became a little child: I a child & thou a lamb, We are called by his name. Little Lamb God bless thee. Little Lamb God bless thee." The Tyger Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry? In what distant deeps or skies. Burnt the fire of thine eyes? On what wings dare he aspire? What the hand, dare seize the fire? And what shoulder, & what art, Could twist the sinews of thy heart? And when thy heart began to beat, What dread hand? & what dread feet? What the hammer? what the chain, In what furnace was thy brain? What the anvil? what dread grasp, Dare its deadly terrors clasp! When the stars threw down their spears And water'd heaven with their tears: Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee? Tyger Tyger burning bright, In the forests of the night: What immortal hand or eye, Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
  2. @Marc Schinkel Appearances are deceiving. Going general is great advice here, thank you. I, like everyone, have heard this song A LOT. I never listened to the lyrics. Lyrics The lights go out and I can't be saved Tides that I tried to swim against Have brought me down upon my knees Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing Come out of the things unsaid Shoot an apple off my head and a Trouble that can't be named A tiger's waiting to be tamed, singing You are, you are Confusion that never stops The closing walls and the ticking clocks gonna Come back and take you home I could not stop, that you now know, singing Come out upon my seas Cursed missed opportunities am I A part of the cure Or am I part of the disease, singing You are, you are You are, you are You are, you are And nothing else compares And nothing else compares And nothing else compares You are, you are Home, home, where I wanted to go Home, home, where I wanted to go Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are) Home, home, where I wanted to go (You are)
  3. As you connect with the higher Self the illusion of time is seen through and connections are made in unexpected ways. The "illusion" is not only meant to be transcended but also embraced as what you came here to experience, you came here to evolve and become. If a past life connection can assist in what the higher Self intends to become you can create one. There are also many powerful ways of connecting with the "past" through love and inspiration that don't need to be claimed as "your" particular past life.
  4. Do you know what grows all along Eva's grave in the summer? Tiger lilies. We have always called them that but really they are day lilies. Here today, gone tomorrow. Why did I go to the cemetery? Because I'm reading Dr.P's book again. Funny... at first he taught me that you can never step into the same river twice, and now, that you can never read the same book twice.
  5. I'm feeling particularly mindfucked lately. The root is a need to understand and be understood by people and thought patterns around this. It feels like you are constantly being gaslighted by other people when you try to look to other people to give you what you can only look to your true Self for. You are gaslighting yourself. What's the desire behind it? True connection. It's going to take some serious work and self love to untangle all the thought patterns around caring what other people think. I feel like my last attempts at shadow work were flops, too short on the magic or synchronicity, mostly unsatisfying. I may have been identifying or resisting letting go, or asking too much too soon. Or it was preparing or prepaving or I got attached to magic and synchronicity and then *poof*, it's gone. I don't know work from inspiration anymore and trying to figure out the difference is frustrating me. I had a feeling of disconnection from all the story telling, and in the night after the feeling that I wasn't but with a slight unsettling feeling that argued that I was. Today I went for a run. It was extremely cold out, but didn't feel that cold to me. I love the energy of extreme cold even though I'm a cold sensitive person. I ran to the cemetery and had an impulse to walk behind rather than in front of Dr.P's lot. I was the name Eva. I just typed "saw" backwards, which is "was". Strange. Anyway, if this book I'm thinking I might write is meant to be written, that's the name of the character. The trouble is I don't know if the book is metaphorical or a literal project. I then ran down the hill and saw a group of crows which intrigued me and heard an incredibly loud knocking sound from a woodpecker in a very tall hollow tree. I chased it into the stream and found that where I wanted to go was directly across from where it was. The crows followed me into the woods and danced around and cawed where the woodpecker was. I waited and waited for the sound trying to locate the woodpecker. I never got a glimpse of it but an odd sounding bird flew off in another direction. I thought about the meaning of symbolism of the woodpecker. I sometimes to like to look at spirit animal meanings but I prefer to dig for the meaning of it to me personally and not separate the symbol for the circumstances, the environment and the desires at the time. To me the crows were there to emphasis the significance of the symbol and the guidance. The woodpecker represents an intermittent signal that one has to stop be silent and patient, and be guided toward. It seems like the signal or the "strike" is IT but the space and the presence of the listener is. If I am meant to write a book or do any "thing" being still is my focus and everything else will come. Then sychronistic circumstances brought to my attention the word "liberty" again.
  6. If you were an author writing a book and you couldn't identify with any of the characters while writing them, then why bother write a story at all? You have a purpose as every character in every story has a purpose. But you exist as a fictional part of the author's psyche. You are in truth, the author.
  7. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and am trying to put it in place in my life. I used to work and push myself to do a lot of work that I didn't want to and this is within what was once my absolute "dream job". I thought that the best I could do is feel great about my accomplishments at the end of the day no matter how miserable I made myself during the work. Now I don't know what the future holds, so I'm more focused on following inspiration. With inspiration comes new direction. The problem is that inspiration leads me to all kinds of wonderful things but it didn't have the same money/material success focus I had before so I'm kind of hoping it will get back around to that subject soon. It requires a lot of patience and trust and I think it boils down to the ability to follow your intuition, which requires you to be sensitive to it and believe it in the first place. I've found in the areas of diet and fitness that it's easy to stay on track because being on track feels great, going off track is also great for a day or two and then immediately feels AWFUL. So I trust myself in those areas for the most part. It's work that I'm still trying to figure out.
  8. It's funny because there is no flip side, even to this. There's no one to blame. I feel as fond and nostalgic about my childhood as if it were one of the Disney movies or stories from my childhood. In the past I blamed the Disney movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about things and for painting me into a character role, gender norms, etc. If you thought you were a single character from any story, you would be able to point out flaws and have fears, blame and shame. Knowing that you are all characters in the story and its creator changes the moral of the story entirely.
  9. I had a strong belief growing up that love must come to the exclusion of something else. If you love summer, you hate winter. If you love running, you hate golf. If you love Ford, you hate Chevy. If you are Christian, the other religions must be evil. If you are loyal to one person, you are less so to another. My Dad wanted my loyalty growing up. He picked up a pattern from his mother where he would complain and devalue another to get favor with someone. As if knocking someone else down would make the other in front of you shine brighter and feel more valued. It was a type of manipulation but I think the beliefs behind it made it come from a place of insecurity. It mirrors what one does in their own head to soothe themselves. The trouble is that no matter what you did, even if you were the favorite you were sometimes on the losing end. These judgements were in no way objective and they were always fluid. If one was going out of his way to gain favor with someone and feel validated and accepted in that moment, anyone and anything could be thrown under the bus. Love came with a powerful opposite, and fear of its opposite. Many things I thought I had loved in my past, I loved because I was allowed to love. They were safe.
  10. What is your truth, when it comes to your story? Your story is a very small part of your existence from one angle. However your stories also color your experiences and limit the depths of them. They even can limit you from seeking out the experiences you truly want. Why couldn't I just tell a bunch of lies and make myself believe a story I knew was false? After all, the duality between true and false is non existent. I can't lie because truth is alignment, alignment is my power. To let go of the past you have to see and wish to align with love as truth. Or else it comes at you like a wrecking ball. One of those. I think I learned recently that alignment and nonalignment duality is really not a thing. Therefore, it's a more of being conscious of one's unshakable alignment. What better way to fuck this up than to shift your awareness to what someone else thinks?
  11. Yes! I think it's like a seeing is believing, believing is seeing upward spiral. Things flow together and it's a glimpse into how connected things actually are behind the scenes. Love is connection so when you're really feeling the love, connection is what's seen.
  12. Lack of attachment is still attachment. There are easy "pure" things to love to bring yourself back around. Spend time in nature, appreciate the sky, animals, etc. These things don't stimulate thought because they can't be owned. The material world is not.
  13. I have believed that everything I want must be by default be to exclusion of something else I want. This has made me like the donkey who dies because he can't chose between his food and his water when he needs them both. This is the cause of all of my suffering from regretting a big decision, questioning my decisions, to managing my time day to day. I have created and attracted all the situations in my life, big or small, including the pearl falling off in my hand. I have always been on my spiritual path, never young and foolish and never off of it. I have never made a bad decision, I have wanted the things that caused me pain because I have struggled to align with the desire and joy in them.
  14. We were never supposed to end up here. We were never supposed to stay right here. There were no jobs to move away to like we planned on. I ended up supporting us with our business, and since there wasn't a place to rent, we ended up buying a house that we were supposed to fix up quickly and sell. Jon got a job working in partial volunteer/paid work for the community. That house turned into the worst decision of my life, so I thought. I thought I was dependent on my dad for his help with it. The war between my husband and my dad's disrespect for him continued. I had emotionally and optimistically chosen this house. It took 10 years to find out why. The house could not be what I envisioned unless I evolved too. I moved away from my parents but still depended on them. There were lots of walls to tear down.