mandyjw

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About mandyjw

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  1. @Zigzag Idiot Crows are smarter than peacocks though. I just did something similar with meditation, dumped it and was miserable so I went right back to it. I figure I'll just take it off my good habits list and add it to my addiction list and see how that feels for a while.
  2. @Joel3102 That's awesome, I love the accent! The daily livestreams are really impressive. I've only listened to a tiny percentage of his videos but gotten a lot from them. I'm reading I Am That at the same time and they really fit together in an unexpected way.
  3. City parks and outskirts are where the imbalance of nature is trying to resolve itself, so keep that in mind. A forest surrounded by forest is safer than a city by far. Coyotes with enough space for survival will rarely make themselves seen.
  4. Ego presents different challenges in women. Fear, and the need to please others are more how we are wired for survival. I am gracious, kind, caring and giving so I am an important, honored, protected and cared for member of society. My survival depends upon me being kind, useful and liked by others. Survival drives in women are sneakier because we got the short end of the stick with fight or flight responses. Because this isn't a problem for society at all, in fact it's a boon, we don't consider how women beat themselves up and sacrifice their true selves in order to please others. Enlightenment is about killing what you thought was love for the opportunity to see what Is, and sometimes it's like waking a sleeping dragon.
  5. All suffering is a complete projection. Non-acceptance, cutting oneself off. Roger Castillo says that guilt, blame, pride, worry, anxiety, expectation and attachment to outcome are how we suffer. Also, "Don't mistake understanding for realization and don't mistake realization for liberation." Timeline of my "spiritual" life. 1. According to my mother, I said the word ball? maybe? 2. According to my mother, walking, talking, took a bath in the toilet. Appropriate, because I am born into a Baptist family. I will not be baptized though. Ever. No one really gave a fuck about that? Dunno. 3. Memory of staring out the window, thinking it will be literally forever until my 4th birthday came. Memory of being spanked, and hating my mother in that moment no remorse whatsoever. Hard to date that memory. 4. Parents leave the church, but Mom continues to teach Sunday school, and we still have to go. 5. Disillusioned by Kindergarten. Apparently I am not the goddamn queen of the universe. Fuckers. The two others boys in my class can't stand up to me though, they are my royal subjects. 6. Getting into trouble for things I didn't realize were wrong. Boys have balls and you're not supposed to kick them. Revelations of cruel reality. 7. Lose some confidence in myself. Normal kid. Submit to being a good girl. 8. I gain a close female friend. Her parents are extremely well educated liberals and will influence me heavily even though I will outwardly rebel and not fully appreciate this gift for a time. 9. Depression sets in, I'm studying the Bible on my own. 10. I start running. OCD sets in. Handwashing, germaphobia sets in. I get a Buddhist/artist mentor. 11. Very religious, very patriotic, reading the Bible everyday religiously. Running, journaling. 12. OCD pushes me to keep training on my own, I win my first cross country race. Extreme bout of guilt, depression compulsion makes me physically ill for a week until I confess something to my mom. 13. Stomachaches from stress. Neurosis. I learn to not pay attention to most OCD thoughts. Start having really passionate interests in things and have for a while, art and dogs. I research dogs for a year until my parents let us get one. I get my first doberman. 14. I start high school and decide that I am not actually smart, I cannot keep up with the smart kids in the big pond now, and nor do I want to. I meet my husband and two other life long friends. I LOVE debating religion more than anything. I have Christian friends for the first time and I want to challenge their beliefs. 15. Fall in love for the first time. Was not love, but duality and family wounds wanting to resolve themselves. Trauma. Overhear my parents calling me lazy, decide that hard work = love. Decide that seeking love directly is foolish. I decide FUCK people, hard work is the only safe passion. I run my ass off, and I start my business and enjoy every minute of it over summer vacation. 16. Working my ass off. I win more races. End of the year, feeling for future husband too big to ignore. 17. Completely F-up my husband's 4 year plan, and relationship with his parents but it all turns out good inexplicably. 18. Have to figure out how to work on my own and set my own hours. Lots of fucking off. Lots of reading novels, actually. 19. Business starts to take off. COFFEE works wonders. 20. I have spent two years in social isolation and workaholism. Hypochondria sets in. Extreme bout of depression, I realize what's going on. I reach out to a friend and we reconnect. We end up having a shit ton of fun together. Making great money. Life gets really good. Husband is kicked out of house, drama ensues. We end up fine but also with much more freedom to live our lives. 21. Get married and buy a dump of a house. 22. Learn about old houses and fixing them, inexplicable pull from history and old houses is made aware of. 23. Miscarriages, get pregnant with my first baby. 24. Have my son. Postpartum depression. Extreme anxiety. Continue to work as much as as physically possible. IV bruises, and pain sitting a couple days after giving birth won't keep me away. I also discover minimalism and the zen habits blog. 25. Discover Leo's channel. Listen to Leo while working. 26. I start running again. Get pregnant with my daughter, life falls apart, falling out with my best friend, son is diagnosed with autism. Discover Eckhart Tolle, sit to mediate and have the I am light realization with asthma attack, don't mediate again. 27. I have my daughter. No postpartum depression. No anxiety. I know what the pain body is, I know what caused postpartum depression last time. I'm ready but it doesn't happen. Looking at her face and smelling her hair lights up my brain like crack cocaine. For some reason I become obsessed with Mr.Money Mustache. I know this is ranty and against my spiritual ambitions, but something pulls me in. Still really obsessed with minimalism. 28. Uhmm... a lot of studying stuff? Pema Chodron? I can't remember. Birthday cake wishes start to be for enlightenment sometime around here. Still working quite hard. Start making awkward youtube videos. I wanna talk about important stuff. 29. Bliss states from runs, and deep connection with place starts, funny obsessions start to creep in, feeling energy from places. 30. Connections ramp up, life goes to shit a bit, I read the book that tells me to reconnect with my desires and do self care. I realize i really want to make youtube videos. I come to forum because of this and also wanting to quit facebook, very against Leo, everything comes together and I am helped more than I came to help, awakening, spend the rest of the year in lala land recovering. Start meditating. Completely lose my sense of sensibility and presence for weeks after awakening. Bliss state and new realizations cause me not to give a fuck about this until weeks later. 31. Realize I can do shadow work, tap into psyche, synchronicity on my own. Lots of insights and studying. Seems very normal and integral. Sense of path seems a bit lost, never was there before. Realize my idea of spiritual progress is mostly self judgement/ pride. Ironically now writing this out. Funny how any story told misses the general sense of "truth" of it, and fundamentally changes it in the telling of it. There's always an audience and a purpose in mind, even if it's not posted publicly like it is here, but only for one's self, there's a sense of one's self in mind. I always assumed that there was an accurate truthful way to tell a story, especially to one's self. I always thought there was a story teller.
  6. Roger's teaching style never would have appealed to me earlier on but he was recommended in this older thread, which I found very helpful in itself. Roger states that his teachings give you new conditioning, (which we often rebel against, but has it's place if you've got the big picture) and are very practical and target beliefs that sort of haunt us and cause suffering in our daily lives. He also has a way of dissolving our grand fantasies (not the real ones, just the ones holding us from it ) about what enlightenment is. Highly recommended if you're drawn to him. Roger's youtube channel. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3nxl1CdbbysJB_KUBaLEfw webpage- https://www.rogercastillo.org/home
  7. It does, it just looks more like the stock market history, continually goes but with lots of dramatic crashes. We're always gonna get sad, always gonna get mad, there's no reason not to own up to being human once in a while (even though we know it's not absolutely true). Where is the suffering, in the sadness itself or in the thought that I shouldn't be sad right now?
  8. Yesterday I had an insight, I remembered a boy in school who brought me and another girl flowers the first time, (must have been 10 years old?). And he just did it out of pure inspiration entertaining himself while he was waiting for the bus, not caring what people would think. Most of the other boys in the class would be too embarrassed to do something like that, or not notice the flowers growing in the first place. He didn't care that other people would see them on my desk all day and think or tease about what it meant, he just saw them growing and picked them. It was a pure gesture of pleasing himself and someone else, one fell swoop. We tend to separate the two, then we invite in caring what other people think, and that implies self judgement. The true giving of ourselves is in following our inspiration so fully, it's seamless non-action and it doesn't care about results because the action is whole unto itself. You can look at a single "action" that way or a single "existence" that way.
  9. Wealth is purely comparative. We can look at statistics and consider numbers but emotionally, we compare ourselves very differently. Within your community and friend circles you'll define how you and everyone else is doing compared with everyone else you know in that circle. Very few people strive to be, do or have something they've never actually really intimately known someone in their experience to be, do or have. That's why in a city it's really easy to get caught up in a rat race, but also easy to stay driven. In a rural area or in a strong community or family structure it's very easy to be content and stress free but difficult to imagine the kind of success and dreams that are possible to actualize in the world.
  10. @dimitri The Bible says you shouldn't blaspheme against the Holy Spirit but what if the Holy Spirit blasphemes against you?
  11. Love is so big it doesn't care what sort of bullshit thoughts and descriptions we have about it. Source, Nothing, Mu, Infinite, God, Jesus Christ on Grilled Cheese, Justin Beiber, Love don't care. Love is bigger than that.
  12. @Free Mind You're forgetting the opportunity here. Our thoughts about other people color our interactions and veil our feelings of love and oneness of them. In thought there are other people. I'm me and you're you, duh. Outside of thought, we are one. Most people just haven't thought to consider this, but again, our oneness is also a "duh!" moment. In your mind, you believe this realization will take away your love of others and your family members, but it's quite the opposite, it will only cause it to grow, or rather you to become aware of how beyond logic your connection and your Love really is. When we observe our thoughts, and stop believing our thoughts, the separation between us and other, dissolves and love and bliss shines through. It's a process and sometimes we get caught up and forget the entire point, LOVE, duh! But without challenge would any transformation be worth so much talk? No. Is Love what you think it is? NO!!! It's much, much bigger than that. Bigger than that. Bigger than THAT. Just stop comparing. It's bigger than that.
  13. If you project your own fear of suffering (beliefs in problems) on someone else you is not loving, you is fearing. That's why paying attention to your self and catching suffering, however subtle, is the greatest form of love you can show the world or anyone else. All suffering is a form of projection.
  14. Yes, but healing happens out of wholeness of its own accord, even if it's assisted by traditional medicine like the healing of a broken bone is a cast or if it defies science and normal human expectations. Illness, degradation and death are part of life like a healthy forest is full of things both growing and decaying. When this is accepted and life isn't owned or clung to, when separation and illness are not seen as reality, miracles of wholeness and healing occur within what is already whole, they already are.
  15. @ivankissWhatever is intuitive, whatever is "there" calling me to it, whether that's seeing, feeling, etc. The first time I sat to meditate, I had an insight flood in "I am light" and focused on my breath for a few minutes because that's what I thought meditation was supposed to be about and had an asthma attack. I was pregnant and sick with a cold at the time, but it was a good lesson in trying to control. It took me a while to learn how to use the breath as a tool without doing that. I've run since I was 10 which is deep breathing focusing on breath without making it an object, and also connects with the body and surroundings in a holistic way. So I'm not saying you're wrong at all, just that how we go about things and how we mentally turn things into keys can go wrong.