seeking_brilliance

September 21 2019 Time : 15 minutes Concentration object : box fan Little groggy, but was able to hold attention on fan for longer periods of time... Maybe 7-10 seconds at a time. Saw lots of images, one was an Australian Sheppard. He was cute.

I'm glad you did it! What are some feelings that arose? Tell me how you meditated upon the felling of hopelessness /sadness. What resistance arose, if any? The thing is, meditation is amazing (from what I hear lol) but you don't want to use it as a cover up or to hide from this feeling of hopelessness. This should be a separate practice really, and the reason for it is to stop running from, and resisting, this feeling of hopelessness and sadness. It's not serving you, so stop being a slave to it. When the scales tip, you will see that the effects last much longer than the duration of the meditation. I can tell you from experience. I'm with a group at dinner at the moment. After you respond to this post I will continue with more questions.

September 20 2019 Time : 15 minutes Object of attention : box fan Lost in thought the whole time. The king kong lady was yelling something at me from his giant hand. It's too bad I don't have enough time before work to attempt this again because I'm not satisfied. I might have to try and do a session after work as well, not including my concentration practice before bed.

Thought you would like this:

Affirmations are repeating words or phrases which can tip the scales into a naturally better state of mind. You can repeat the words yourself or listen to videos with music. Here's one that I loved and helped me so much. Listen in the shower with waterproof headphones. Or in your car on your way to work. Or go to sleep with them. Marijuana helped make them much stronger for me because it puts me in a super suggestive state, but of course it's not necessary. We can continue once I have your homework report.

It's fine, I can tell you are trying. I'm just trying to get a good read on you so I can help you further. I didn't mention aliens, chakras, other dimensions, vibrations (ok i did that one...) , angel numbers, third eye, starseeds, pineal gland, channeling, healing.... I only mentioned affirmations. What do you think about affirmations? And also, does it bother you when someone mentions these things or do you simply not wish to give it any thought? For example I said raise your vibrations. There is a materialistic way of saying it which is, putting yourself in a good state of mind. Would you rather me say, I'm glad you watch high consciousness videos to put yourself in a good state of mind?

September 18 2019 Time :15 minutes Concentration object : box fan About as usual.

1. So basically it goes something like this: "hello" "Hi" "What's your name?" "Mik-- " (Anxiety begins kicking in) "-Kael" "Are you ok? You're sweating" "Um, bye." If I'm wrong, correct me and give me a better example of what happens when a conversation starts. How is it that you rarely even get the chance to talk about something personal? 2. Can you post a picture of yourself? Not the one in your profile, I want you to share something new. Don't worry, its not for me to gawk at, I just want to see your comfortability with sharing your image. Pick your favorite picture, and don't give me that "I don't have a favorite picture." If you really don't have a favorite then just post one. 3. So what happened when you asked this? Did you immediately freeze up and the conversation ended, or did she just flat out ignore you and go on with her day? Did she actually hear you say it? 4. So you don't think anyone noticed or was making fun of you. So why are you embarrassed? Who are you embarrassed in front of? good... so you can laugh at yourself. That's actually a good skill to have and many people with social anxiety cannot say the same. I know. It was very hard to call it loving myself when I hated myself so much. Just keep with it, there is a reason for it. What I can tell you is that with depression, it will completely shield your eyes from the ability to think this will ever get better. But your subconscious is still ticking way. Its listening, and watching. Feed it love. It is getting fed lots of shit from the depression, so feed it love as well. At one point the scales will tip and self-love and peace will be the primary function. Don't give up until this is the case. Again, "enlightenment" or ultimate truth is not necessary for this. If you want truth so badly, just look at yourself. There's millions of little truths to discover each and every day. I'm glad you found a high-conscious youtube channel to raise your vibrations (or whatever you want to call it). Are you open to listening to affirmations or are they too woo-woo for you? Personally they helped me so much. 5. HOWEVER, I want you to look closely and see if these things you are doing for self love are a way to escape or cope with the hopelessness. Don't give a surface answer. Watch yourself when you are doing it and really ask if they are a cover-up. 6. Here's some homework. You can do this instead of meditating, or you can do it separately. Doesn't matter to me. I want you to sit and feel the hopelessness and sadness. That's it. Meditate upon the feeling. Use it as your object of focus instead of your breath, or whatever else you use. The point is to run to the feeling, instead of running away. One of the biggest mistakes we all make is that we think these feelings are wrong. They aren't! They are what they are and if we do things to cover them up we are only deepening our suffering. Even if your answer is that you aren't covering them up, I want you to do this homework anyway. Can be a min of 15 minutes or the entire 30 minutes. Report back what happens, if anything.

September 17 2019 Time : 15 minutes Object of attention : box fan Probably a bit too sleepy for a good session this morning, coming off of 6.5 - 7 hours of sleep. The dreamlets came in hard and split second quick, to the point of almost dozing off to them, so no interesting ones to report. Typically they are superimposed onto my meditation practice, and I never really feel like I'm dozing off to them.. My timer anxiety is all but gone. Constant redirecting back to the fan, but definitely not much focused attention.

I think its a good choice, and like I said, you can always change your mind. 1. I'm sensing a fear of opening up and talking about yourself. (at least or especially in person, instead of when you can hide behind the monitor) Let me know if I'm wrong. Part of the problem is that you are not in touch with your feelings, but luckily for you I love being in touch with feelings so I just need you to have an open mind and don't shut me out. So far you are doing much better with your responses. If I'm wrong about this, then tell me what you mean "especially when it gets personal" So you can see how you have conditions set for your happiness, but that they are completely unrealistic without putting in the work? That's why I'm glad you chose option 3. 2. how do you feel about your physical appearance? What do you like about your appearance? What do you hate about it? 3. What would be an example or two of some basic questions? If you don't remember what you asked her specifically what is your idea of basic questions? 4. so its mostly likely that no one knew you posted this paper, and that it was for her? Did you still get a bit traumatized and think everyone is making fun of you for it? It must be bringing up some kind of feeling/emotion, because you felt the need to share it with me. What is it bringing up? embarrassment? self disgust? 5. Haha, "knew her" in the biblical sense would mean that you've been banging her for many years at work. Is this what you meant? If not, how does it make you feel that I laughed about it? 6. I understand it is hard to not get a reaction you are hoping for, especially when you like someone. But also try to see it from her side, she does not want to hurt your feelings but she can't help it if there's no feelings for you. That's not her fault any more than it is yours. At least she wasn't mean about it. Do you still work together? Have you completely stopped talking to her after this? I know your pain. I was there a year or so ago. It still comes and goes, but has mostly stabilized into a peaceful feeling, although I still succumb to anxiety and anxiety-related-anger quite often (only at work go figure). I promise you, you do NOT have to be 'enlightened' for this to improve. It's all about getting in touch with your feelings and facing yourself. You have to heal yourself, mentally and spiritually. It seems that you are looking for enlightenment or TRUTH to do this for you, but the TRUTH is, it is the process of doing this work that does it for you. Only very very lucky people just go "pop" and are suddenly enlightened and all their problems wash away with the Truth. As supposedly with Eckhart Tolle. This is a very unreasonable expectation and you will only deepen your suffering if you don't let go of this expectation. For the most of us, it is the seeking and putting in the work that will lead us to the truth. 7. What do you do when you feel this hopelessness and sadness? Where you aware of it yesterday before I asked you to look? What do you do when you feel this? Do you try to avoid it, or distract yourself from it? 8. I think I saw somewhere that you are meditating regularly. What is your max time that you are up to right now?

Just to be clear, I was not saying that all channeling is ego. I said all channeling is yourself. If you want a taste of infinity, explore your imagination.

at the same time, its all within. All the answers to the universe can be found within, inside of imagination. The universe IS imagination so where else would you go for answers? Take everything with a grain of salt, but don't give these experiences less value either, just because its coming from imagination.

Maybe you could say that omniscience= knowing thyself. What better way to know yourself than to create trillions upon trillions of yourselves throughout 'all space and time ', and have them do the work for you? You have a special role in the omniscience of God.

you are only channeling yourself. the trick is not to give it too much importance, and to not take any importance away from it.

I promise I am not trying to do this every other day, but things keep arising. Things will settle back down to normal, as this is only the second week after getting home. My husband has completely exploded into being outgoing so I'm trying to support that- hence why I was out til 2 am last night and had to open this morning. But anyway, I still pledge to meditate everyday, even if it doesn't happen everyday. (my official meditation reports, I'm still doing my 15 minute concentrations at night)