MrDmitriiV

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  1. I've been suicidal for 5 fucking years!!! 8 goddamn LSD trips, 6 years of doing self-development work (have been watching Leo almost since his start on YouTube, watched 95% of his vids, re-watched many and so...). Although I did grow way beyond any expectations, my life's above average hardships and physical inabilities to actualize my beautiful mind has driven me nuts all these years. Trying to thrive in a country with 300$/month avg salary with many health issues while pursuing Enlightenment is a hell of a ride... Can't talk much about the social aspect of MDMA since I just took MDMA yesterday early morning. Will have to see in the coming days. After peak I did get a 1hr "revision" of my past social relations with others. Stuff like sending a birthday message to my mom (instead of calling) and being so cold with other human beings in general. Tripping on different psychedelics or drugs is definitely a must, it's like learning from different teachers instead of one! Also I feel zero addiction or desire to try MDMA, so it's drug label is mainly deserved to it being toxic and even fatal on large and frequent doses. Only once in 1/3 months and no more then 200mg! At least that's what I read so far)
  2. LSD really fucks up my mental clarity and obliterates my ego (every time after peaks I have to re-assemble the ego). I can't think/contemplate properly with it or there's no "someone" to experience some mind-blowing states of consciousness. Also I experience a more zen/male-like type of love with LSD, but with MDMA it was an extremely intense Christ/feminine-like love. LSD is a very flexible substance, and I agree with better intention and training I can get there with it. Recently I got a "device" for committing suicide and planned to do so this weekend, MDMA made me re-think that))) It showed me that it would be a very selfish action on my part and cause insane suffering for my mother. Last LSD trip did not alleviate my desire to die at all, since it makes me realize it's all an illusion/nothing. Realizing that everything's a mental game/illusion when you're living a hellish life isn't fun. It adds up to insanity aspect. Also looks like this MDMA trip alleviated some of my social anxiety barriers. After it's peak I got MANY insights on the devilish ways I treat other people. MDMA is certainly not a top-weapon for spirituality, but has many unique benefits very few talk about (since it's a party drug).
  3. Dosage: 150mg (drank with water); Setting alone at home; Previous experience: 8 LSD trips from 50ug to 500ug https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/42050-your-on-the-other-side-8th-lsd-trip-report/#comment-524481 last trip The powder looked like small yellowish crystals, smelled beautifully like a virgin’s flower and had an unpleasant chemical taste. I started feeling the effects at 20min, and at 30-40min the effects started to make my mind very turbulent, but thanks to my previous experience with LSD I was used to my mind going to very unexpected places/states. Most notably my mind was focusing on some “unpleasant” human images from memory and repeating them in a loop. I was saying to myself, WTF are these for? This was supposed to be pleasant! Good thing I focused on my breathing and they subsided. That memory-image-looping lasted for a few minutes, after focusing on breathing (which was unusually effortless) my mind went into a state of “like waiting in a lobby for something big to happen”. And finally at about probably 1hr the switch turned. In almost an instant all the (past and present) worries, fears and negative emotions simply vanished to be left with pure and innocent Love. The switch was just the peak starting, because in a few min after, the Love became more and more intense. So intense my eyes become watery writing about it. Soon I was crying and murmuring “It’s all Love, It’s all Love, It’s all Love…” after saying this for some time I switched on to “Wow, wow, wow”. In the “it’s all love” part I was seeing/feeling how EVERYTHING is made out of love for love. In the “wow” part I was marveled at how pure and innocent is the purpose behind this creation. God has a baby-like innocence. The first part was known both theoretically and experientially before, but this time was a first in terms of clarity. The second part was brand new. I was experiencing the pure/innocent being behind all of this. I was also seeing how God allows evil precisely for greater love. Although it’s not evil in god’s eyes). Both of these parts are part of the single and main peak which lasted for about 30 min. After that I wrote to my friend how silly it is to fear stuff, from a meta-perspective that is. Since all is made of love, all you fear and reject is parts of yourself. Not just fear, but hatred and judgment too. But at the end of day, it’s all because we love that fear too! I also said how sorry I am for many devilish things I did. And how no part of reality is better then the other (re-affirmation of the insight from last LSD trip). Some other notable things about my MDMA trip: I had perfect mental clarity, could easily think, speak, write and move; Was surprised that time was just a little speed up, compared to LSD where it really slows down; I had no desire to move, but when did it felt very effortless; While there where no visual patterns, my visual perception definitely changed, like the distance between things became much closer; Music felt good but not as good as with LSD. I really liked the interstellar "First Step" soundtrack by Hans Zimmer under mdma. From negative effects only had: very fast heartbeat before peaking (maybe after too, but didn’t notice?), also I started sweating hard. Jaw clenching was only present if I held my mouth semi-open. None of these were bad though, just make sure to drink plenty of water and take pure MDMA. It’s very unfortunate that most people take it on stupid parties and missing on more spiritual growth. Also most MDMA sold is very impure, most pills contain other shit or no mdma at all! So be careful to get the real pure thing. If it smells like a virgin’s flower that’s how you know it’s good))) (joking, that’s just the first description which came after smelling mdma and it stuck) Overall I’m very glad to experience this substance. LSD has much more powerful potential (and much safer, it’s easy to harm or die with mdma) but mdma does offer a unique experience on things! Most notable is the focus on the love aspect while having perfect mental clarity. At the 6-8hr mark it was out of my system and felt no “hangover” like with LSD (feel mentally-exhausted for a day after taking it). Also I did not experience "brain-fry" or sadness after the trip, like many report.
  4. @Pharion There are studies on animals being given psychadelics or drugs. Most notable is when an octopus was given MDMA, despite being one of the most "alien" creature on this planet, it reacted very similarly to humans: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/sep/20/mdma-makes-octopuses-more-sociable Dolphins for example can recognize themselves in the mirror, and as teenagers will voluntarely take psychadelic plants to get high. There are various ways to experience God at a meta level. Take different psychedelics and you'll see. A lot of aliens, animals and AIs will be able to experience spirituality in different w This would be true if "exponential" growth was taken out of equation. Exactly 100 years ago the world's best scientists were saying we won't fly into space in a very long time (if ever) only to be proven wrong a few decades later. World's best AI scientists just a decade ago were doubting we'll create an AI which'll be able to beat someone in a game of Go (which requires creative/intuitive, non-brute force thinking) and yet we already did that. History has proven time and time again, that even the best guys in any field are very bad at predicting future advancements, let alone someone like Leo who obviously is not a proffesional in AI.
  5. Last time triped 10 months ago; Before I tripped from 50ug to 500ug range. Setting alone at home, starting at 3am; Dose 180ug; Drank coffee 30min after taking the acid (wonder if it has an effect on trip?); When preparing I made a silly mistake. Wanted to fortify my ability to sit long periods of time on a chair without a back-rest, also introduce myself to chanting a/listening to mantra. Yet the guy keeping a straight spine and chanting dies so brutally, the idea of "someone" doing something is absurd non-sense. A better intention/preparation is either take smaller dose or spend days dancing with something you want to explore/integrate. So the first peak, or existential climax/orgasm, began as usual a little over the 1hr mark. In this climax you merge into a very thick non-dual puddle of Love/Consciousness/Intelligence/Being, which posseses a fractal-like property. By merging I mean a drop of water going back into the ocean. And yet, maybe the drop of water in already in the Ocean? No, there definitely is a process, where consciousness goes from a limited form into a non-dual one. But again, it’s hard to call this limited form limited, since it really isn’t. More like a misunderstadning. The word climax would come moments before I’d peak. This climax is beautiful? Divine? You see, the non-dual aspect is so thick it’s hard to call it anything, since giving it a name implies there’s an opposite. Yet there is no opposite to IT! It’s everything and nothing, an ever-changing permanent state. Neither small nor big. There’s no word for it. Back in my first trips, I would focus on other aspects during the trip, like visuals or sounds. This time it was a focus mostly on being/understading. On IT. How every human is just me on the other side of the fractal. Yes I knew this before, but there are various degrees to this understanding. I remember a moment (at the 4hr mark) of thinking on sharing things about the trip to others, and then it hit me so shockingly: Share to whom but myself? This ego which started to reform after the biggest peaks, is nothing but a hair on God’s infinite head. This was followed by another realization: How deep do you wanna go? Do you realize this is the path of insanity? This feeling/understanding/existence of me being just a slice of a fractal became stronger in my normal, after the “trip” state. Do you really trip after taking a psychedelic? No, the normal state is just another trip. When I watched a movie (Forest Gump) and vids later that day, I don’t just know, but literally feel a channel connecting me and others. These months I’ve kept asking myself, why is my life the way it is? Why do I live in a shit-hole with so many health issues, instead of living in a first-world country and have considerably more opportunities of becoming financially independent which will give me more freedom in doing the spiritual work? It can not be helped. How would god know what lower-case happiness is without living thru suffering? How would god know what being a materialistically rich man is without being poor? You get exactly what you want, including the unknowing of the process you have started. It’s exactly the way it was intended, a creation perfectly thought-out. The snake eating it's own tail metaphor re-established it's meaning. God lost in it's own delight. Everything balancing itself out into something undescribable. Insights could keep pouring in, since my perception of reality was re-calibrated. Funny how each batch of LSD I got (from 3 different sources) had it’s own slight twist. The first (1st source) batch was the most visually mesmerizing, the second and third (2nd source) had a more liquid feeling to them, and the fourth (3rd source) had this cloud-like feeling. The main flavor of LSD is the same, but with a slight difference. Also the more I trip, the deeper it goes. One thing I just couldn’t get over at 6hr is how profoundly the trip got the hold of me, at just 180ug. And again the climax was different, like I accessed a level of understanding unrelated to the substance itself, which can be accessed thru other ways. Another thing is after multiple trips I started to feel the LSD entering me much earlier, like at 30 min it's presence is felt (no visuals, just a feeling).
  6. The fourth day after the change. It's getting deeper... Watched Leo's latest vid from the blog. I was marveling at how my mind was talking thru the image of Leo, and then he goes saying he's my mind giving itself permission... HAHAHA While walking to my parents' house I watched myself behind every rain drop, every leaf. All I see is myself EVERYWHERE. Even the place I just left stopped existing unless I imagine it back as a memory. This imagination has a highly intelligent self-validating mechanism built into it. Zooming in or out won't get you out of the illusion, only create more of it. While walking back to my place a small car accident happened near me. After walking for 5 min, I asked myself "Are there two damaged cars behind me?" Only as an idea, which is being created in the present and not derived from the past. The past doesn't exist, hence that accident didn't even happen. Me going to my parents a few hours ago NEVER HAPPENED. Once you transcend the illusion there's nothing and no-one left but God.
  7. “I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside.” -Rumi Since early childhood I had this strong habit of creating mental stories/alternate lives, spending anything from 1 week to 3 months developing just one story. On the 5 JUL a profound realization dawned onto me, "I" am one of those stories... The day before during my meditation late at night something weird happened. While meditating I always put on the same rain+thunder white noise, and quickly forget the noise is even there. However during one single thunder sound a profound shift happened in my awareness. I remember saying "WTF?". Since I was already falling into hypnagogia, my sense of me + world was already softened up so I didn't realize how radical the shift was. After dwelling in the blissful state of hypnagogia and experiencing Being/Nothingness (which is different from sleep), I went straight to bed and fell asleep. Next day after fully waking up I stepped onto the balcony and noticed a profound change. Instead of the usual looking outside the window, I was looking out inside my mind. I did experience this non-dual state before many times, but never in a non-psychedelic state. After 1hr of looking and marveling at this, went to prepare some oatmeal and the "I" am one of those stories realization happened. I was also able to experience how my dual state is able to exist within the non-dual. I knew this before from words and most importantly during one of my 330ug LSD trip last winter. During that trip I was experiencing being one infinite mind giving birth to infinite bubbles, while constantly murmuring "Of course, Of course , Of Course...". But I didn't want to draw conclusions on one single experience. And yet experiencing being one of those bubbles once again without any LSD shocked me hard. While going to bed on 5 JUL a heard someone make a noise outside, but then realized I was the one who made that noise, not someone else. That CREEPED ME SO FUCKING HARD. Imagine a hand slapping your face for 20 years and then realizing it was your hand all along. While lying in bed I was falling thru a void losing sense of reality, and opened my eyes in fear to not loose this bubble. During the past 2-4 years (I've been into Self-Actualization for 6 years) I got this progressive feeling of others being dead inside. Attributed it to them having low levels of awareness, but on the 6 JUL I realized that was because they are actually dead. During another 22hr trip of 470ug LSD last winter, I watched (after the trip's 4hr peak) my friend cook and remember that shocking feeling of how outrageously dead/unreal he was. Now I realize that's because I was imagining and creating him all along. Talking to my mom on the phone yesterday and knowing there's no one on the other side was shocking too. It's very challenging for me to describe all the other pieces, because there are so many and their radical nature. I did experience the mastermind behind this story while sleeping a few months ago. During that night my consciousness arose in a space of nothing and became conscious of the vastness around it. It was so clear because there was no body/world but just pure intense consciousness. My sense of time doesn't have as much weight to it as before, all alone but very liberating. No direct experience of why or how exactly, but the single mind imaging all of me is undeniable. And this state doesn't seem to go away, it only became stronger in last 3 days. The intensity of this non-dual state varies, from weird to super creepy. Sometimes I go back into the dual or the unconscious. I certainly didn't expect to arrive at this point in just 6 years of Self-Development, but using Leo's words as pointers made me make so much sense of my LSD trips and other experiences throughout this life.
  8. @Pouya Do you mean projection upon the trip? Is it a coincidence that so many "I am God" and alike "insights" get posted close after Leo talked about them? Of course not, a lot of folks just listen and project then call it an "insight".
  9. @theking00 If you noticed Leo has a YouTube channel where he's been talking and showing the path of spirituality (aka escaping the matrix) on his channel for years now. A master pointed his finger to the moon, the fool kept looking at his finger. There are two types of questions. One asks to let go of the known. The other to solidify the known. You think @theking00 somehow missed everything Leo shot on spirituality and now wonders what's the path? So many trolls here and people just keep feeding them.
  10. @sunny33 Don't dwell high in the clouds without proper wings. Many actualized.org newbies completely neglect the foundational work, without which you'll get lost.
  11. @Identity 1. Do nothing and temporarily pretend the problem is not there. 2. Shake/Scream and temporarily feel relief. 3. Investigate the source, find a permanent solution.
  12. What is this stage Blue mentality doing here?!
  13. @livg7046 Society can seem resistant in the short term, but after zooming out u realize each social system is slowly but surely exhausting itself, inevitably either destroying or transcending itself. Good and evil are different flavors of the same thing)
  14. @Leo Gura Why don't you shoot your vids 1 week ahead before posting?
  15. What makes you think so? Plainly sharing your opinion without backing it up with logic/reason/proof is a common ego backlash. Did you read the "Spiral Dynamics" book?