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Realizing bliss and joy during hard times of suffering of whatever kind is the key I would say.

@MokshaEven if I detach myself from thinking I still don't feel any sense of joy. All this spiritual work seems to be something to be just realized individually. I can understand what you are saying, yet I havent realized it. I have gotten temporary states of bliss, but they never last that long. I'm getting really tired of this mindfuck of a game I play with myself.

Remember, the only one actually experiencing the suffering is God Itself (Oneness). Now, why would God willingly imagine experiences/lives where He/She/It goes through a lot of suffering? The answer is probably the same as to why you would go watch a sad/violent/horror movie. Excitement. Contrast. How can I know Goodness, Love, Happiness, Joy, Bliss if those 'goodies' were all I was experiencing 24/7 ?? I wouldn't appreciate the Good, just as a fish doesn't appreciate/knows the water, since water is all it knows. Listen to Alan Watts in this marvelous song

Yes. I understand your point, I mostly agree with everything I bacame blissful becouse life hit me hard, but I was able to find bliss within it. Most of people here are too soft, especially if they grew up in first world countrys. (stage green) For the spiritual "enlightened" egos on the forum, if you want to test your enlightened, come and live in Serbia hahahaha

Wait till life hits you hard. Survival is a bitch. Anyway, I think bliss is way too overrated. It has become the #1 selling point for enlightenment, giving superficial and illusory expectations that few people ever get. Pursuing bliss is a dead end. You'll have a much bigger chance of arriving at bliss as a result from pursuing truth and understanding.

Abraham Hicks says that your vibration on any subject is where you last left it. During an awakening do you clean up several subjects all together? That's what happened to me, a lot of long dormant but kind of awful feeling perspectives were shifted and some newer ones too. I noticed today that I have resistance to throwing out old food in the fridge. It's already too old to eat, but in order to clean it out and throw it out, I have to face the fact that I wasted the food, and the feeling of regret or neglect. So that feeling causes me to leave old food in the fridge, which causes me to waste more food because the fridge is cluttered and I can't see all of what is in there. If I could just ditch the feeling of regret and failed personal responsibility, the entire situation would be so much more efficient. If I get myself all motivated and psyched up to have an amazingly clean fridge, (couldn't take it any longer and stopped to actually clean old stuff out of fridge) then I can in one go, let go of all the old stuff, cause my focus is the result I want, and I get in the flow. So the awakening I experienced was like cleaning the fridge out in one go. But I may have missed some old moldy stuff in the back, (but god DAMN that thing looked spectacular from that vantage point!) and I never learned the habit of throwing out stuff when I realize it's old. There was this spectacular moment when I was in *poof* bliss state that I went to my parents house and they dumped some strangely reacting homemade kefir down the sink and both exclaimed over what a shame it was. That bottle of kefir was worth its weight in GOLD in my eyes. I watched this and I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that nothing could be wasted. "What a shadow of a doubt." Just saw this extra text floating around. Where did that come from? Says it originated with The Scarlet Letter, "beyond a shadow of a doubt". Love that book. Fascinating phrase when you think of it. beyond (prep., adv.) Old English begeondan "on the other side of, from the farther side," from be- "by," here probably indicating position, + geond "yonder" (prep.); see yond. A compound not found elsewhere in Germanic. From late 14c. as "further on than," 1530s as "out of reach of." To be beyond (someone) "to pass (someone's) comprehension" is by 1812. be yond. Jesus language is dumb. I've been hoodwinked. hoodwink (v.) 1560s, "to blindfold, blind by covering the eyes," from hood (n.1) + wink (n.); figurative sense of "blind the mind, mislead, deceive by disguise" is c. 1600. Related: Hoodwinked; hoodwinking. hood wink? Really, that's all that means? Face palm. Anyway. I dunno, am I reaching for perfection? I'm not one to have a perfect fridge. I am not my fridge. I am be yond my fridge. I just want to let go of the stupid guilt about getting rid of stuff that doesn't serve me, that motivates me to hold on to it. I realized this morning that this sort of storyline of clingy personalities in my family wasn't true and wasn't serving me, and was the moldy lentil soup in the fridge. But I'm glad it bubbled up. I realized that loneliness and neediness is driven not by any conditions of people or myself but by not taking the time to appreciate myself and other people. Conversations are a learning experience because I have in place so many old habits of relating. I remember when I first discovered Eckhart Tolle I was so determined that I put on this fake persona and refused to complain and started repressing emotions. A week or two later I blew up and felt much better. It's a process. It's not a process. process (n.) early 14c., proces, "fact of being carried on" (as in in process), from Old French proces "a journey; continuation, development; legal trial" (13c.) and directly from Latin processus "a going forward, advance, progress," from past-participle stem of procedere "go forward" (see proceed). Masquerading as a man with a reason My charade is the event of the season And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know

So this is what Leo proposed in his video "what's the point of life?" He said you will finally remerge with God and it will be bliss. But you will finally get bored and you decide to restart life again and you will do it again and again and again. And I am like no please no one, one time is enough,lol. What do you think?

Im sure that my Presence and Love allowed the space for my gf to exp. the things that I will shortly share It was amazing! I got her to start smoking weed and that helped her to open up and see new perspectives. She said that at the room where I meditate she gets into a tottaly different state. And last night we started talking when she started to unconsciously speen around in circles. This happens to me when I meditate. After that she fell down on the bed and started laughing touching her nippls haha, then she bursted in tears becaouse I forgot to bring oranges hahaha She relived a childhood trauma(she said that she felt like a 5 year old child). And after some huging and talking we started to make love. Here are few insights I exp. I usually have premature ejaculation problems, but that is also becaouse she has strong devine energy in her, she suckes me dry, I cannot handle it! But this time there was no thoughts like "focus on the breath etc." There was no eddie entering hes gf. We were one. It was one dance that took place. I was the orgasm itself. And it lasted, and lasted, and lasted... OMG I backed up my intuition becaouse I always knew that she has very strong spiritual side (she is infj like me) I realized what it means everyrhing is me on a deeper level It was amazing dance that played out by itself Evrything that people need is acceptance and love. Now when I can let go of my egoic needs, I can really listen. And the allowance and patience that I had with her, with no judgement... paid millions times more then me trying to control the situation My girlfriends insights. she had continuous orgasms that increased she said that we were energies flowing in space, like two different shiny color particles mirging together in black space (let me note that she is at stage blue/orange and little bit of green without any previous knowledge or insights of spirituality) she said that it was a bliss she never experienced before etc. She said that the music in the backround was lound and that she was in flow with the music (I didn't hear it at all) today, she says that she is still high in love She is very brave! Im so glad she is opening up for spirituality now. Im so glad that we can grow together(we were groing together, im pretty sure she was the one resposible for my enlightenment)! Im so glad that now she understands what Im talking about when I say "Baby, Im diferent dimention right now and I can't go to the market" without her rolling her eyes ahahhahahah I cannot explain what is possible for you guys! It is a Miracle! You are Beautiful, You are Perfect, You are Love! You are one big Orgasm! And hey, all this, right here! Righ Now! Do you know what that is? It is God playing with it Self! It is God jurking off! hahahahah ?❤

Yes I understand. Even though he suffered so much, still his ego didn't surrender deep enough to become Enlightened and sit in Bliss or heaven. I'm not discounting the lesson he learned. Between stimulus and response we have the power to choose. If I was wanting to learn a skill like running a business I would read maybe something by great business leaders. I'm just saying the greatest good one can do for the world is to get Enlightened.

How do all you guys feel after your krita routine? Bathing in bliss, present, absorbed, loving?

Almost everybody started spirituality for this reason, myself included. I want a bodybuilder body without lifting a finger. One of the biggest misunderstandings about spirituality is that it's some kind of shortcut to happiness and bliss. It can lead to that, but you have to do the work. And suffer. Probably more than you suffer right now. The enlightenment process is a lot of work and you have to work through a lot of shit. These gurus have spent their entire lives purifying themselves. You only see the end result and not the decades of work behind it. Who wants the boring meditation when you can go out, drink and have sex? Instant gratification. Why waste years meditating and suffering for some future payoff when you can have it right here and now? Sorry, I went on a little bit of rant there. Spiritual enjoyment comes after a lot of work. Years of work. It's a long-term project. If you think you feel enjoyment and happiness right now, you probably cannot imagine what it could be like after doing real spiritual work. Imagine that happiness x100. Not joking.

I always misunderstood the tao te ching and got shit for my wrong interpretation of it. Instead of pointing the fault toward myself. I am going to project that onto the founder of daoism, Lao Tzu and beat his ass. My plan will be exceptional in history. All the Jackasses that Jordan Peterson called out are going to be proud of me. So, i thought first of leaving my body and beat his butt in Nirvana. I then remembered that i will be stuck in kama-loka and all my animosity will be erased before i arrive there and that is not good. So instead of going there, i will bring him down here, Sadhguru style. Sadhguru built this shiva lingam to embody some high evolved spiritual soul by worshipping it. There will be much snow next week. I can make this huge snow sculpture of a vagina and a penis together in no time. I will do some chanting and bowing and Lao Tzu will embody the vagina/penis. Then i will smash the snow sculpture! However, i have read somewhere that the suppose Lao Tzu is Gautama Buddha. Basically, buddhas scriptures where transported to China but the originator is the same person but got called by a different name, Lao Tzu. So some people believe he is reincarnated in Shambhalla that is somewhere in the gobi dessert, Mongolia. In this case i have to take a huge loan and not pay it back. Cause this will be a one way trip. I have seen the Top Gear guys traveling in mongolia in some special suv. I think i gotta buy one of those. To find the place i will hire a channeler for a few thousand bucks. We will try to channel some of Lao Tzu close chumps in Shambhala. When I get the information i need. I will then just give up and fall asleep in my cozy sofa in a heavenly bliss state and disappear.

@soularlight I'm not sure where it started that enlightenment brings happiness and an end to suffering. Enlightenment is simply the realization that the you you believed you were is an illusion. When it is realized the illusion collapses leaving Being or Actuality. This is what is referred to as mystical because Being is prior to any type of conceptual realization which is still being made by the ego mind, wherein enlightenment is the collapse of the ego mind. Thats pretty much it. There is bliss with this realization because you are one with reality itself...the best way to put it is you ARE reality. This isn't some special state as people confuse it with the ego seeking something - it is actually the complete lack of ego. it just is what it is.

Look to this day For it is life, the very life of life. In its brief course Lie all the verities and realities of your existence. The bliss of growth, The glory of action, The splendour of achievement Are but experiences of time. For yesterday is but a dream And tomorrow is only a vision. And today well-lived, makes Yesterday a dream of happiness And every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well then to this day Such is the salutation to the dawn! Kalidasa

@NahmI have a hard time understanding what you just posted. Im aware that I am not my thoughts or feelings. I try to detach from it everyday. I dont think I'm ready to understand it either. Ill just accept that things are the way it is and work on the fundamentals. Exercise and diet. Having mindfulness. I don't have the free will to commit suicide anyway. Im being watched 24/7. I do admit that this spiritual work has been really dangerous to me and I wasn't ready, but I have learned a lot about myself. Just had an argument with my dad about it on how Leo has fucked up my brain. I got really pissed off but he is right. I do think though what Leo is doing is for the better for humanity. Not that I claim that I know what Leo "knows", but what he is saying makes a lot of sense to me so when I get caught up thinking about, committing suicide seemed so easy. Ive had temporary states of bliss during meditation and whenever I got out of it, the material world become a joke to me. Total garbage.

First of all, thanks for so many replies, seems like what I knew deep inside is true, just needed more clarification from other point of view, and it seems that my insecurities, and fear or rejection is what constantly does not let me take the final step in leading the way to attraction, unless the girl is more leading or gives me obvious signs. @Gesundheit Before Covid, i was doing quite a bit of approaching, sometimes it would lead to numbers, sometimes to dates, never to any relationship. Since i went through constant development and rejection, naturally i felt like i just kept failing and nothing works, so back to the drawing board. @Leo Gura Do you think getting rid of this approach anxiety/ insecurity is a way towards better life and higher-consciousness? It is something that I have been debating for a long time, I just can't understand, how important reality is in the end. If I finally make the realization (i already know this, but i have not felt it) that I am god, I am conciousness, then it sort of eliminates the need for sex and relationships, doesn't it? Other part of me wants to just spread joy, love and enjoy this dream together with someone else, who also understand atleast spirituality in-general. @Sine The funny thing is, that sometimes I feel like I have worked so hard on having this "attractive lifestyle" that some women told me they feel bad since I make them look like they have not achieved anything. I have studied abroad, i have done student exchange programmes, I travelled, i saved money and purchased a car, I lived a lone for a long time, I have been working out and living semi-healthy lifestyle for a long time, I also used to love to party a lot and go out, for me, it looks like it's a good balance, but then again, it is my life so creating a general opinion about it is quite hard. On some dates, I end up simply talking too much about my life I guess. @Preety_India here comes the confusion, Mark Manson's book How to attract women through honesty explains that vulnerability is the number one thing a man should have when trying to attract a girl, vulnerability shows that you are not afraid to show your weaknesses, and that you know them, and you are not afraid to be rejected for that. So what you recommend now, is to simply never show my vulnerable side and simply outright lie or hide them? That creates even more issues. And what is security anyway? Secure in my situation in life? Secure in my lifestyle? I already enjoy everything BESIDES my relationships with women, that by far is my most lack aspect of my whole life. I can be friends and find ways to interact to women no problem, moving on to a relationship of any kind besides friends is where I am stuck. @Nahm Thank you Nahm, but my inner dialogue becomes the monkey mind when I am around others, especially women. I have reached states of awareness with bliss and simply pure knowing when im alone from time to time, but when I am around others, seems like most of my spirituality work gets overshadowed by other personalities. Also, the more I work on myself, the more time i spend alone, the more I feel needy, the more I feel the need to find a relationship, and the more i start questioning every woman as if "is she the one i will have a relationship with?" @RendHeaven Alright, i get it, i knew it most of the time, I lack direct action towards explaining what I want from women, without being completely honest. My final question is, what should I do with this co-worker, since I feel like the sings of attraction from her are sort of gone, I am leaving the work soon, that means we wont see each other as often, i am debating on: a) finally tell a woman, that I like her and i care for her, and that if she would like to continue talking with me and see where this goes to, we should do so, and if she does not like me, we should go our separate ways. b) simply not tell her my feelings, and end the relationship right here, assuming she has no attraction to me, and that i do not want to be friendzoned again. Thank you all for your replies!

It’s like the scene in the matrix where they’re flying in the ship through the darkened real world...and then they rise above the clouds, and are swept away by the beauty. In the same sense it sounds like there was the natural bliss of being, or, what is, without self referential thinking...and then the narrative was believed again, and therefore death, separation, etc. That tingling and ringing is ‘it’ though. I once read the average person has over a hundred thoughts about themself everyday. I don’t believe it. Can’t see how that’s possible.

First things first, this video is in HINDI. So, I wanted to share this here specially because I find this very valuable and I'll explain what he says here, in a model. I am not posting this in high consciousness resources because I want to talk about and share the model he is proposing. I had an awakening last night, the Self-realization(not God-realization) while listening to some music and reading the pinned post on enlightenment by Leo. Just after that, I found this video in my recommended. This video is basically confirmed by the awakening I had before watching the video and another one of God-Realization some weeks back. Now what he say about the chakras is different from whatever I thought about them previously. And also makes it easier for me because he straight up says activation comes through inner understanding of certain concepts(I might've verified this firsthand). So basically contemplating on things. Now, I don't think this 'activation' is same as accessing the 'holy shit' possibilities of the chakras that people like to talk about. Activation means like all blockages removed, and is reverberating nice and good. Like the video is more about how to attain the bodies associated with these chakras. Disclaimer: It may as well be that he is just associating chakras with these to get people to contemplate into these topics for 'powers'. Which is a good strategy ngl. This model isn't supposed to be linear because I personally haven't and most of you here also haven't experienced it linearly. Muladhar (For Material Body): Possibility given by nature(N.P) = Sexual Attraction, possibility achieved through sadhana/striving(S.P) = Bhramhacharya. So basically, through total understanding of sexual attraction, you'll become a Bhramhacharya. Osho throughout the video reputedly says to not suppress, but to achieve total understanding into the natural possibilities so they can be transformed into the striving possibility. An example he gives is, "You are on your path but you see a boulder blocking your way, you get all upset because you think it is an obstacle, but through total understanding of the rock, you realize you can go climb on it and actually the boulder allows you to go on a higher elevation floor like a stairstep. You realize it's not an obstacle but a possibility. The boulder is still there sitting like before, but you realized it's actually a possibility." Swadhishthan (For Etheric Body): N.P = Anger, S.P = Forgiveness N.P = Fear, S.P = Non-fear N.P = Disgust, S.P = Love N.P = Violence, S.P = Non-Violence Again he says here to not suppress any of these or you'll just be stuck in them forever. Key is total understanding which will automatically transform these. Manipur (For Astral Body): N.P = Doubt, S.P = Faith N.P = Conceptualizing/Mental-Masturbation, S.P = Actual Wisdom So, he takes his time to explain Faith here. He says by faith he doesn't mean Dogma or anything. It's something that arises when doubt turns on itself and doubts doubt. When it understands itself, it transforms into Faith. Anahata (For Spiritual Body): N.P = Imagination, S.P = Will N.P = Dreams, S.P = Vision Says these transformations result in psychic powers like looking through walls, telepathy, astral projection, remote viewing, long-distance communication. seeing spirits, etc. By imagination becoming will he probably means very powerful manifestation. I don't have much experience of this one so can't say much on it. Vishuddhi (For Soul/Self(Atman) Body) Activated by: Self-Realization So here is very accurately describes what I felt just before finding the video. Self-Realization, meaning you realize the True Self. You are in bliss and peace. True Happiness for the first time. You see your true nature. But, a person here might still say there are different Atman in different people. Infinite Selves. In this person's mind, they think he/she realized 'her/his' self only. So basically they do see they are one with everything and their true self is infinite and forever, but they still hold the idea of their being other selves in 'other people'. (Though I didn't have this delusion in my awakening last night.) Biggest obstacle here is the Bliss, Peace, Joy. One might stop here entirely and not go further because all this time the struggle was from suffering. Now they got out so they wanna stay there forever. If one's seeking wasn't orignally for truth but for bliss then they will likely stop here only. He says that it might even take several lives to get sick of yourself/ this bliss to then to go further. But it doesn't have to be the case. I think since we know this trap we can just bypass it. Another thing he says is, till Anahata science can explain, research is going on and we can talk about these with language pretty good, but after that, starting here, language starts to breakdown and reaches it's limits. He says science can even reach into researching this too. But not after this. Language can be used to describe this and the next 2 ones but, it's gonna be very probelmatic for those who don't realize it already. Language used to describe this and the next two are often contradictory and don't make sense untill realized directly. Language fucks up a lot and creates a lot of delusions explaining these. Agnya/Agya (For Cosmic Body) Activated by: God-Realization Here he says, one realizes "Aham Bhramasmi". There is no you anymore, there is only Bhraman. Only being. Pure being. One can see infinity. Also idea of an 'experience' or 'perception' also breaks down because there is literally only being. Biggest obstacle here is that this is so full, (since nothing can be outside reality), one doesn't understand how to go further. Basically you can't go more meta than this since it's literally everything, including nothingness. I, actually experienced this one first hand. So during the God-Realization, when I realized I was completely alone as well, I noticed I felt a very strong magnetic field permeating through my head with the center of head as it's center. I remember thinking "This might be the closest I have gotten to noticing the Agya chakra in direct experience and have activated it.) OSHO says that someone here will just straight up deny non-being, because by definition, it is not. However, non-being can also be understood and is infact the next realization. Sahasrar (No Body stated) Activated by: Realization of Non-being He says maybe till Agya you could explain a bit in deluded ways but here it is completely impossible. So he doesn't say anything else about this. Final remarks: I am sharing cuz i find it p accurate cuz of my direct experiences. Just wanted to share cuz I can not find an english version of this video and this just too valuable relatively.

Yea, I understand. Years ago I was much more tryhard, trying to read and understand all sort of things. Even if I didn't feel like doing that so much in the moment, sometimes I would push myself to do something in order to get something. A lot of that, needless to say, wasn't really coming from a relaxed or joyous place. If you do something with for example anxiety, like a restless energy, what energy are you anchoring within yourself there? Of course more of that restless, tryhard, anxious energy. That's not a very advanced feeling/state. How I see it, whatever you are choosing is what you'll be getting more and more of. If an anxious drive is what you chose, you become more of that and you'll live more in that world. If you look at all you can do now, and choose what option contains most joy, bliss, peace, curiosity, etc, then the more you make that your world. And aren't these feelings of relaxation, well-being, joy, excitement, etc, higher "stage" energies? So I would say that if you want to become the most advanced version of yourself, then especially you would act on the option with the best feeling in it. That can in some moments just be calling up a friend, taking a walk, etc. I would say that if you chose the path that makes you feel best in every moment, you'll end up in the best feeling state. I would relax more, act less from your head and more from what feels best.

It doesn't matter whether seeking occurs or not because there is no goal or end result that needs to occur. When the body dies, there won't be a memory of the suffering or the bliss that was experienced. There won't even be the slightest remembrance of existence. It simply can't be done right or wrong, because right & wrong are conditioned concepts ultimately lacking in reality. ❤

Extreme sadness, loneliness, and existential dread. These seem to be the results of my psychedelic trips and introspection. I understand I am God, and this reality is my own manifestation. During the peak of my trips I even felt the extraordinary bliss and pleasure of it. Yet, I cannot help but be haunted by the very dark implications of being utterly alone... and accepting that everything and everyone I ever loved are just figments of my imagination. Some guidance on how to deal with this, would be very much appreciated. My sincere thanks.

Be careful to distinguish realisation for more beliefs. Believing that you are God, is very different to realising you are God. Belief can actually lead to overly nihilistic outlooks on life. Look at church for example. All their beliefs in having an awesome life, makes their life shit. The moment you truly realise you are God, you will experience bliss that you cannot currently fathom or comprehend. Consciousness is not the same as knowledge ...initially

@SM-OConnor As you mentioned when your consciousness shifted to God levels of consciousness you felt pure Divine Bliss or we can also say Love - infinity which is identical - is your true nature. Yet since you were still in human form consciousness can drift between states and in those states - where you are almost in between but still directly conscious of oneness - that's when it is tough. But once you come all the way back to a normal state of consciousness - a dualistic state - it should get better and return to normal. Backlash should subside after some time. This is because - just as you do when you dream at night - you are placed in a state of consciousness to where the dream is real. Where there is a distinction between self and other. So in a normal state what your ego may be doing is twisting it into dread so that you run as far away from spirituality as possible. But notice it's only "bad" relative to the ego's bias, because if everything is one it will lose its identity. The ego also has a tendency to make it something "good" too and grab Godhood for itself haha. Anyways the main point is that as God you have infinite imagination, which means you have the ability to fall back asleep whenever you want - and when you do - the dream becomes real as you are no longer going meta or stepping outside the dream. This shift between duality and non-dual awareness is a craft that will take you some time to mold. But also you must try not to have a bias towards aloneness or oneness or at least go meta and notice that for what it is and be at peace with that Btw I'm doing it right now myself otherwise i wouldn't be able to have this conversation. I am immersed totally within the dream like a fish in water... I do it seamlessly. It is only if i go meta - which I just did right now - and shift my consciousness, that i will be conscious you are imaginary.

@DocWatts Good observations, and all valid from the perspective of what humans think we need. Sadly, it is endogenous to our species that what we think we need rarely matches what we actually need. Of course there are basic survival needs, beyond which we couldn't exist. But most of what makes us miserable is the misunderstanding of who we are. When we let go of thought, and realize our true nature, it becomes clear that, as Consciousness, we are already infinitely abundant. The reason for our suffering is the egoic insistence on looking for happiness outside of ourselves, when all along the bliss is already here.

Thursday 25/03/2021 14:47 Some strange deja vu feelings. Depression flared up with a particular flavour that I recognise. Maybe it's the time I woke up, the healthy food I ate and I'm currently hungry, the warmer temperature outside. Why was I dragged into life with any of this I wonder? Why did any of this happen? Why were my senses of reality uprooted as far back as I can remember? Why was I ever brainwashed with Islam? Why did I ever get bliss from it? Why did I ever develop an existential depression? I just rewind this unfolding and all I see are dominos and inevitably, forced into a path and fate before I could comprehend what was even going on. None of it makes sense. And for no apparent reason, I just feel the strangest feelings I haven't felt in a long time. And when these particular feelings come back, it feels like some of my memory also returns to me. These feelings. These feelings are the old form of how my depression used to feel. In a sense it feels purer, but it feels more heavy and totalistic because of that. Now I remember why or what I ever used to be explicitly suicidal for, now that I at least temporarily have these dimensions of my emotion returned to me. In this particular moment, I feel like my old self and feeling. Which you would assume is good but what it does to me is just remind me how fragmented and discontinuous I am. All these images and memories, past versions of myself, it all feels like one crazy or one bad trip. My life feels like one crazy bad dream. Maybe because I desired it so I now, at least right now, feel these feelings I had lost or forgotten. But now I feel more anxiety and fear from it. This was the anxiety and fear I turned my back on, cauterised myself to and ran away from. This pain is intense but...I also feel happy on some level for feeling what I thought was lost. This anxiety and uncertainty is intense. My recovered dimensions of emotion may pass away now, but I hope not. Honestly speaking, I could die happy like this. I'm grateful that I have my old feelings and dimensions of emotion in this moment, even if it is in the form of anxiety, and this feels like a "me" I wouldn't mind dying as. I'll take it any day over my cauterised self. I feel back in time 2-3 years ago. Some point 1-2 years ago, I have a blackout in perception corresponding to my antidepressant shenanigans. I think I'm maybe starting to understand things a bit better. I ended up cauterising myself because I couldn't handle this intense anxiety. The cost of shoving down and repressing my anxiety was the loss of liveliness and sensitivity. A tragic shame really, but I understand it. In a tragic sense, I did a mini suicide to myself already. With this currently alert and aware brain, I can see why. All I'm at right now, in this particular moment, is a visit to my state back in time. Whether I stay here I don't know. The chains of the past are both important to understand but move on from. Having this experience now makes me the more weary to arrive or finish something, dont know what that something is. Weary to overcome these chains -- I feel the flavour of my original depression, like sent back in time. I feel like a time traveller almost, sent back in time to correct the mistakes I made. Maybe this was the reason I was subconsciously attracted to this song I would listen to over and over on repeat. It wasn't until just now that I don't think I realised what the English translation lyrics of the song even meant, even though I skimmed over it. But the idea just popped into my head randomly now. I read the lyrics translations but my brain never interpreted or put the right pieces together. https://bakemonogatari.fandom.com/wiki/Decent_Black I probably interpreted this correctly the first time I read it a while ago, but my brain just now reframed and regrouped what sentences I put together to fit what I feel. Now I'm reading it as "Let's find the answer, regrets and mistakes" rather than just finding the answer (and not finding the regret and mistake). -- This primal fear and anxiety I feel, my mistake was running away from it. Well, now I feel it. Boy is it hard to deal with though