KGrimes

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About KGrimes

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  1. After working on spirituality for the last few years, I realised just how easy it is to "fall back to sleep". Even though I never go back to where I started, I do get tangled in all the material life stuff. Meditation, reading, contemplating, tripping etc. seems to last for periods at a time, and then the regular life takes you over. Taxes, fixing your car, taking care of your relatives, suffering, pain, sickness, depression, challenges - etc. What it seems like to me, is that you first have to complete the game of regular life some how to be able to let it go and completely give yourself to God. What I mean by this: you must setup your material, physical life to be as easy and as comfortable as possible without too many distractions, have enough money to survive, be able to have decent living conditions, be happy with your relationships etc. to pursue spirituality. But it's never just that simple, because when you pursue these materialistic things, the balance scale is always tipping towards one direction. It does not seem to me that you can be a regular human from 9 to 5, and then spiritual human from 5 to 9. You are either enlightened or you are not. For me, being in my 20s it is hard to let go of these simple things, because you still kind of just started out in life and all it has to offer, especially when you have incredible realisations about our consciousness, no one seems to understand you, so something is always pulling you back into the dream. It's like that feeling of having to wake up in the early mornings when it's cold and dark outside, but your bed is the only thing that is warm and comfy, it's just so easy to fall asleep and ignore everything. For me, that's how it is with spirituality and pursuing enlightenment. Yes, I understand that this is the single and the most important part of my existence, yet I still want to go out with my friends, I still want to drink, I want to party, I want to achieve a successful career, I want a nice house, a nice car, I KNOW THAT IT DOES NOT REALLY MATTER, but why do i still think about it? I want love and a passionate relationship, even when I know, deep inside, it's all a dream, there's only one thing that is real, and it is not necessarily what you thing it is. The problem is that when you start on this path of discovering who you really are, you will never really go back to sleep. No matter how un-conscious you are, days at a time, there are glimpses and reminders of what reality truly is, you can't just simply forget what you realised during your trips - that you are God, or that you realised how you are everything and nothing simultaneously, or the pure feeling of never ending ecstasy. So then, you feel bad living the regular life, because you should be pursuing spirituality, and you feel bad pursuing spirituality, because you are not quite there yet, and regular life is still interesting and addictive enough to pull you back in. Perhaps these things take more than one life-time to figure out? And now, talking about past and future lives - who truly decides if this life is the one where I finally wake up for good? Is it all pre-planned? Or do I have the choice to surrender myself to God in every single life that I lived? On the other hand, if It was not meant for me to wake up in this life, then why did I discover the master's and their teachings, why do some unimaginably, un-explainable events happen that lead me towards finding myself?
  2. @Hello from Russia Why do we awaken, but forget what the awakening is/was and go back to our old ways? I assume this is the problem with psychadelic awakenings - you can eliminate years of meditation practices that monks do to awaken, but you will come down to "base consciousness" and the monks will remain on that level for long. So in the end, you have to meditate a lot and also use psychadelics.
  3. Yesterday I had a LSD trip, roughly 150ug. I've done around 15 trips in the past and this one has been by far the most profound experience I have had. The come up was quite nice, relaxing and I felt my consciousness level rising. I slowly became more and more aware with each hour, I felt present and I felt free. Yet, there was this lingering thought: there's something I can't quite grasp. What is it? Who Am I? I had this thought in my head like some puzzle, trying to figure out, like one simple question: WHO AM I? Would solve all my problems. And then I sat down, crossed my legs, and began meditating. In an instant, I felt absorbed in the nothingness, "I" was there, but "I" was also everywhere. I could feel my body, but I could also feel like I am the whole room. The sounds around me became extremely clear and I could hear every single voice or movement around me. And then this sudden feeling of pure freedom arose. I was completely empty, I was no one. My mind was completely free, I felt purified. I felt like I have finally awoken. For the next time period (very hard to grasp time on LSD) I was just laying there, crying and laughing. It was all so simple. It was all so pure. Pure beauty everywhere. I also felt energy pulsating through my whole body, shaking in random body parts of mine. The remainder of my trip was quite nice, I went outside, and It was hard for me to grasp this "new" reality I am in. Everything was just so vibrant, so alive, in completely different colors. I was sure I had my first enlightement experience, but I am afraid to put some sort of label on it and then "fool myself". I read that once you have your enlightenment experience, there's no way to mistake it for something else. Yet my ego is now backlashing hard and telling me, that it's all just fake and I am simply coming down. So which one is it?
  4. @Mohammad It feels like in order to fully pursue it you have to choose one over the other, and only after enlightenment you are able to comeback to your old life, but this time with a different vision, with no attachment and with true happiness in every single moment. Perhaps that is the problem, to get rid of all attachment, in order to awaken, but I recently read that Leo said, 90% of achievements in spirituality, for example by the gurus is genetic, so even if I renounce my life, and work towards enlightenment, I am still not guaranteed to awaken, so that's the biggest problem.
  5. This is a topic I have been struggling with for quite some time now. I have been pursuing spirituality on an off for around 2-4 years, around 3 years ago I started my first meditation practices, and started getting into self help. At first, it was kind of understandable how it all works. However, when I got extremely into spirituality, 6 months ago, after our country completely locked down, I got some deeper insights, did around 10 LSD trips to date, a few failed DMT trips, and have had some decent realisations, also videos from Peter Ralston, Rupert Spira and Leo help me to get a grasp of what reality truly is. A lot of these ideas are still just ideas and I have not personally felt them, but I am sure of the fact that I am not the mind and not the body, and that everything is made out of consciousness and love, this is what I understood during the trips I had. Now spring is coming, quarantine is coming to an end, and that makes me feel like I want to go out meeting new people again, partying, dancing, just living life as a regular early 20s dude should do, but now I feel this resistance. I feel like if I want to truly pursue spirituality, I have to renounce all of that. Basically, I fail to grasp how is it possible to live with spirituality and with daily life, how is it possible to meet new people, go out, have a drink, maybe party once in a while, just do regular activities, while still pursuing enlightenment. I guess, if I did ALL OF THAT and was CONSCIOUS and AWARE during all of it, then that wouldn't be a problem, right? Well the problem is, that when I am with other people, and not alone at my home, meditating, I am barely aware, I understand that I am not aware, but I cannot be aware all of the time, otherwise, I can't focus on having a conversation for example. So my question is, how, and can, a person pursuing spirituality, still indulge in regular day activities, without dis-balancing himself? Or is this one of the biggest things that you have to go through e.g the attachment phase, where I should no longer be attached to this life and only then I can continue enjoying it, but without feeling attached? Because right now, I feel if I do not meet people, go out and so on in my 20s, then my later 30s and 40s are going to be extremely lonely or maybe unfulfilling due to the fact that I completely renounced all of that?
  6. @Cepzeu Thanks, this is really makes me feel much better about the whole situation.
  7. I have done many NoFap streaks in the past, mostly as trying to deal with my sexual inexperience, desires and horniness. I had a stint of about 6 months where I filled almost every gap in my day with something, that would allow me to keep busy, and managed to go with no urges for months. It's not like I felt I had these "superpowers" that NoFappers always claim. I actually felt dead. All of my sexual desire was gone, and if it was rising, it came from a place of sadness, that I can't have what I truly want, and that this is just simply a way to deal with it. NoFap can become a huge trap. You should know from what place it is coming from. When I was extremelly horny, I did many thing's im not very happy about. It wouldn't have happened if I just mastrubated when I felt like it. No Porn, occasional fap is the way to go, that's the best way, since you are actually not quitting cold turkey, but you can allow yourself to do it like once a week or so. Also, just to let you know, studies had shown that testosterone spikes at 5-7 days of NoFap. So technically, THE BEST way to do this, is one jerk a week. Obviously, these are just my thoughts, but I have done NoFap for over 4-5 years, on an off, with great and bad results, it depends from what place is it really coming from. When I tried to abstain from sex, that I wasn't having anyway, I felt like I was some sort of an incel.
  8. @Origins I noticed, that the several women, who were genuinely interested in me, were doing so without me ever trying to go for them, it was sort of a natural flow. I cannot pinpoint what I was thinking, or saying or planning to do when I was in those short relationships, but it was just simply all-natural, everything led from one thing to another, without me questioning myself nor the women I was with, and I guess that's how it should be, right? Thanks for your words, there is a lot of self-improvement for me to be done on this matter, I will come back to this thread often to harvest the wisdom of all of you guys <3 @flowboy It does make all the sense in the world, actually, it makes me feel a lot safer. I keep reminding myself this dream is here for us (me, God, you) to enjoy, with all the little details. As for sex and how masters do it, I am actually not sure, never questioned if they abstain or not.
  9. @Cepzeu This was my goal at first, after a few attempts at dedicating myself towards pick up and PUA i realized I developed a different mentality towards women, when I look at red pill now, it seems like they have some decent suggestions in there, but overall it just feels too toxic to be related to spirituality. So what I got from this whole topic is that unfortunately, I cannot pursue women and spirituality at the same time, like @Leo Gura said, there's a trade-off. The only thing that does motivate me, is that if I spend some time pursuing women, with my current level of consciousness, I will not be starting from scratch, once that thing is out of the way, and then I could fully pursue spirituality as well. It does, however, feel a bit hypocritical. Pursuing women and sex - pursuing your desires, therefore, you are giving up your ego what it wants, instead of renouncing it. On the other hand, if you are fully conscious of your actions and the reality behind everything, there's no problem, right? This whole thing is just a bit confusing, and I guess there is no right answer. @Emerald I heard women say that I come off as somewhat strict, rude, and unapproachable in the beginning but then they realize I am not that at all and am more friendly and easy to talk to, I guess this could be true, and being friendly and easy to talk to may result in fewer women being attracted to that type of personality. However, I feel, that the true, authentic me, just wants to help people first, rather than connecting with them on a deep emotional level. This probably comes from my anxious/preoccupied attachment style, and the fact that I always felt too much left alone and unattuned to when I was a child, so now I try to give others what I did not have when I was young. @wwhy once again, we have a few different perspectives on this, one says do not look vulnerable, needy, and horny, the other one does. I guess in the end it all depends on your looks and what you achieved in life, right? If you got everything figured out in life BUT sex and relationships, then showing off your horniness and neediness isn't that bad? But, if you are not successful at all, look below average, and are horny, you are looked at as creepy. In the end, I realised what I always knew deep inside, I need to get out of my head, approach women, embrace rejection, and get this all out of way.
  10. @flowboy Good question. When i mentally go back to the moment, I remember that I was not feeling a lot of sexual attraction in that moment, and was not too serious about it. So that kind of explains it I guess, it was me who rejected her all a long, just not actively, but more passively. Instead of kissing her or having sex with her I explained her how the universe is a dream and that we are all God, lol.
  11. @The0Self @DaveB Isn't PUA/redpill and approaching overall just a waste of time when pursuing spirituality and higher consciousness? Seems like it's simply trying to feed your ego more, rather than being conscious or spiritual? I was interested in PUA/Redpill years ago, was doing approaching and so on, got results, but in the end the amount of work did not justify the means, I was still unhappy. I found spirituality/psychadelics/meditation and mindfulness to bring me the most joy in life, and seems like I just need to include that into my relationships somehow, but if pua and approaching is truly the way to it, then I guess I need to work on that before I can work on spirituality. @flowboy We had a couple nights out were we drank some wine after work and ordered some food, discussed some serious topics, I gave her some of my insights about spirituality and consciousness, gave her a few books, like Power of Now, I also motivated her to get a new job. Overall is just general banter and begging, we laugh a lot and discuss various topics, and we are fairly open to each other. I gave her a few hints about going out to a few places when covid is over, she was quite happy about that. She came to my house as well, I did not even invite her, but seems like she went colder after that. @Byun Sean Explict as in straight up tell her I like her, or just give her compliments? Feels like I have done all of that plenty of times already, perhaps I simply missed my time of action. @Preety_India Alright, seems fair, so what would you actually call vulnerability though? Showing your weaknesses/stress and so on is obviously a no-no, what I mean by vulnerability, is putting yourself on the edge in saying that I like you, and I am aware that you may or may not feel the same, and I am fine with both answers, but I still want you to know this? @Leo Gura Thank you, I really needed this answer. My road to spirituality was somewhat fueled by my loneliness. I thought that maybe if I find God / become enlightened, I will no longer seek relationships and I could live my life a recluse, even if that idea is not something I am happy with. A lot of spiritual teachers constantly talk about love and sex as a desire, and that you need to get rid of it, I always found this somewhat confusing, because for me a good relationship and love seems like what would make this dream extremely enjoyable, rather than just seeking to become a recluse and meditate in a cave alone for 30 years, obviously, the guy meditating in the cave for 30 years may reach a higher purpose, but seems like most of the enlightened masters have a partner, for example, Matt Kahn, Rupert Spira or Peter Ralston. Leo, after all your experiences, would you still consider your path through pick-up and PUA to be the right one(not assuming there is just one right path, of course)? Do you think most men should learn how to be good with women first when pursuing spirituality?
  12. First of all, thanks for so many replies, seems like what I knew deep inside is true, just needed more clarification from other point of view, and it seems that my insecurities, and fear or rejection is what constantly does not let me take the final step in leading the way to attraction, unless the girl is more leading or gives me obvious signs. @Gesundheit Before Covid, i was doing quite a bit of approaching, sometimes it would lead to numbers, sometimes to dates, never to any relationship. Since i went through constant development and rejection, naturally i felt like i just kept failing and nothing works, so back to the drawing board. @Leo Gura Do you think getting rid of this approach anxiety/ insecurity is a way towards better life and higher-consciousness? It is something that I have been debating for a long time, I just can't understand, how important reality is in the end. If I finally make the realization (i already know this, but i have not felt it) that I am god, I am conciousness, then it sort of eliminates the need for sex and relationships, doesn't it? Other part of me wants to just spread joy, love and enjoy this dream together with someone else, who also understand atleast spirituality in-general. @Sine The funny thing is, that sometimes I feel like I have worked so hard on having this "attractive lifestyle" that some women told me they feel bad since I make them look like they have not achieved anything. I have studied abroad, i have done student exchange programmes, I travelled, i saved money and purchased a car, I lived a lone for a long time, I have been working out and living semi-healthy lifestyle for a long time, I also used to love to party a lot and go out, for me, it looks like it's a good balance, but then again, it is my life so creating a general opinion about it is quite hard. On some dates, I end up simply talking too much about my life I guess. @Preety_India here comes the confusion, Mark Manson's book How to attract women through honesty explains that vulnerability is the number one thing a man should have when trying to attract a girl, vulnerability shows that you are not afraid to show your weaknesses, and that you know them, and you are not afraid to be rejected for that. So what you recommend now, is to simply never show my vulnerable side and simply outright lie or hide them? That creates even more issues. And what is security anyway? Secure in my situation in life? Secure in my lifestyle? I already enjoy everything BESIDES my relationships with women, that by far is my most lack aspect of my whole life. I can be friends and find ways to interact to women no problem, moving on to a relationship of any kind besides friends is where I am stuck. @Nahm Thank you Nahm, but my inner dialogue becomes the monkey mind when I am around others, especially women. I have reached states of awareness with bliss and simply pure knowing when im alone from time to time, but when I am around others, seems like most of my spirituality work gets overshadowed by other personalities. Also, the more I work on myself, the more time i spend alone, the more I feel needy, the more I feel the need to find a relationship, and the more i start questioning every woman as if "is she the one i will have a relationship with?" @RendHeaven Alright, i get it, i knew it most of the time, I lack direct action towards explaining what I want from women, without being completely honest. My final question is, what should I do with this co-worker, since I feel like the sings of attraction from her are sort of gone, I am leaving the work soon, that means we wont see each other as often, i am debating on: a) finally tell a woman, that I like her and i care for her, and that if she would like to continue talking with me and see where this goes to, we should do so, and if she does not like me, we should go our separate ways. b) simply not tell her my feelings, and end the relationship right here, assuming she has no attraction to me, and that i do not want to be friendzoned again. Thank you all for your replies!
  13. I need some help from you guys, I have been trying to figure this out for quite a few years now and always fail to exactly identify what it is that drives women away from being interested to sort of losing sexual attraction within some time frame. Im 23 now, women have always been a problem for me, as I have not had any long-term relationships in the past, and most of the time I was going from "it's better to be alone" to "im missing out", When I had shorter relationships, it was not exactly "it". Now the problem that i frequently find myself in, is becoming to attached or too needy with the "idea" of that good relationship, a woman who will love me, who will be interested in the same things as I am, and will allow me to work on myself. When I find women who I like, i go from acting uninterested from time to time, to slowly building up, and seeing the attraction from them wash away. I have done the attachment test, and found out im Anxious - Preoccupied type, which actually helped me realize a lot of things, and I started working on them. However, i have one example of a relationship that sometimes drives me crazy and seems like it's a circle that I am stuck in, and it goes like this: 1. I meet ( or at the writting of this post, i a have me a woman who is a co-worker) 2. I slowly build attraction for her. 3. I notice subtle signs of her attraction to me. 4. I continue to act not too interested, but I do try to 'hit on her' from time to time. 5. I start getting attached, start thinking about her a lot, and imagining how the relationship would be. 6. Nothing happens. 7. She starts losing attraction. 8. I stay in the friendzone. Now, I have worked on my outer game for years, I am generally good looking and never had any girl reject me due to how I look, perhaps it could have been my height, but I never got a direct rejection due to my height. That means it's got to be something I say, or how I carry myself after sometime. I've been reading Mark Mansons book - Models now, and i tried to open up to this girl showing vulnerabiltiy, but it simply seems like she lost interest, but started complaining to me how lonely she is and how she can't meet a decent man anymore, so now I start to get these feelings of neediness, anger and even sadness. No matter how much work I put in, books i read, meditation i do, and so on I just cant seem to figure out my problem with women. I have made tremendous process in the past 6 months towards my self-development in spirituality, thanks to Leo, but women and my psychological traumas STILL remain the big obstacle, that limits me from reaching higher stages not only in spirituality, but also in my daily life. I feel that I have two options here: to completely go celibate and avoid women for the rest of my life until I become enlightened, or I deal with my issues with women, build confidence, secure attachment and then move on to enlightment work. If there's anyone out here, who could help me out, I would be extremelly grateful, thank you.
  14. Could you specify on what these "lower stages" of Spiral Dynamics are? I often still struggle with everyday life needs, sex, love, neediness, alcohol, entertainment and so on.