Search the Community

Stop thinking so much. People think their way to suicide.

I think this post a little deliberately inflammatory, but my understanding at this point is that there is a sensate aspect of enlightenment that is reached through extreme meditative investigation. I don't fully understand this path as of yet, but it seems like it relates to eliminating the "separation" or "delay" between sensation and perceiver, until ultimately when the two become identical for all sensations experienced, the "rug is pulled from under" the separate inside self, as there is nowhere left for an identity to hide. This is so-called "permanent" enlightenment. (Also, do not underestimate the amount of work Frank Yang put into his achievement--some 7,000 hours of obsessive meditation. Daniel Ingram relates a similar effort. This method is HARD.) However, virtually all enlightenments have to do with a temporary or permanent falling away of the conceptual self, so it is conceivable that this sensate method is not the ONLY method which achieves this. For example, Ralston essentially advocates a kind of self deconstruction, while Spira is more about gradual dissolution through recognition of awareness, while Eckhart Tolle dropped his ego in place of suicide. 5-MeO eliminates the ego chemically (though usually temporarily), as do many other psychedelics. Glimpses seem to result from momentary "cessations" of ego. A glimpse is not discredited by being momentary, though it does unfortunately get relegated to "concept" as soon as it is in the past, technically putting it in belief territory. Still, a memory/belief of direct experience is probably the next best thing to an on-going direct experience. That being said, as Leo and others have indicated, I think the depth to which one can "awaken" can only be an infinity beyond all concept of infinity, if reality is in fact Absolutely Infinite.

@Dunnel I would love to talk to you, if you're open to it. It's wild what you're explaining here, I feel like you're in my head. I have been experiencing the same desperate need just to have no more experiences. No more desires. To be relieved from the need to maintain survival. I've been thinking really hard about why and what I can do, and just anything to stop me from thinking about suicide, which has gotten exhausting and repetitive. I am afraid that I don't have what it takes, and that I just can never develop into it. My ego is pissed off at not getting what it wants but also doesn't want to do any work to get any of it. But really its because I want to have all the love. I want to love and be loved. And I am afraid I never really will, and my life will be wasted. But what would it be like to look back from the death bed and not have any regrets?

So you ARE looking for solution!? Which is it. What do you mean, embracing life and not looking for solution, it doesn't add up. Nothing wrong with venting out when you are looking for how to create a situation, especially internally, to not need to vent even. Why do you think you are helpless? If you are not looking for a solution, how do you know there is not a solution? If you don't seek solutions, the only and only thing that will happen is depression, desperation, hatred towards everything and suicide. You are really worth more than that.

Well, fact is that other people would suffer very much if someone committs suicide, there's no way to get around it, even if you think that morally people have the right to kill themselves. I think they do morally have the right to kill themselves. But that it causes others to suffer immensely is a simple fact, so anyone who has even a bit empathy should put that in the calculation. One of the most common suicide methods is safe and painless when done properly. But since you aren't allowed to mention safe methods in forums.. people choose bad methods. NDE accounts can't be trusted as evidence. And when people like Neale Donald Walsch and other "gurus" claim something without any evidence.. It's not worth anything at all. His book could be used as toilet paper though.

I've always railed against the argument about causing suffering to others. It implies living purely for the feelings of others. Should somebody stay in an abusive relationship to avoid hurting the feelings of the partner? The 'it can get better' argument is very applicable to young people. Not so applicable to 80-year-olds. People in between need to decide where to draw the line. One thing to keep in mind is that many suicide attempts fail and can lead to permanent injury or being treated horribly by government institutions. Other methods may be barbaric or unethical. The only peaceful and effective methods require much forethought, which is good in a way as it prevents people from making rash decisions. Another consideration is the research of suicide-NDE studies. Even a quick search of NDERF will enable unbiased research into the topic. Often people find themselves in the 'void' for long periods, denied the great light that normally applies to people whose lives conclude conventionally. According to Neale Donald Walsch's Home with God book, individuals who complete suicide will be reborn, back in time, into the same lifetime to try again. While the story of the 'unhappy me' is of course very familiar and very strongly identified with, my advice is to find out if it is true before trying to kill the body as a solution. I am not speaking of meditation as a pain-management band-aid, but the way of Eckhart Tolle, the way of Nisargadatta Maharaj, the way of Ramana Maharshi. Die before you die.

There's 2 rational justifications I can think of: The suffering your suicide would cause people who know you. And the possibility that it can get better later in life. But it's of course not certain that it will get better. The chance of it getting better varies between cases. Finally some truth and honesty. Nice post ? I like it.

@Dunnel Suicide is not a solution. Be proactive about your situation. Reclaim your life. If you have OCD, talk to a doctor. Don't think about your OCD. It can reduce significantly if you accept it.. Suicide is easy. Be a hope for others. Live hard. You might think that nobody misses you. But millions of people miss you even if they don't know you Deep down we're all connected. I hope you take positive action. I've been suicidal all my life. It's not easy. I know it's not easy.. But I'm changing gradually one day at a time.

@Preety_Indiayeah so I have been suffering from OCD for most of my life. Way more uncouncious than you can imagine a normal person can be. Spent a huge chunk of my time just thinking as a matter of getting control. This would to an extent distract myself from the fact that I was depressed which is something that got more clearer when I started meditating. Ive tried for many years, but only recently has I been able to a lot more. And I have never been this miserable. This is a whole new level of terror. I can barely pay attention to what im consuming in terms of television, reading unless it actually matters to me. And now that all my activities is meaningless to me, its pretty hard to look forward to anything besides enlightnement which is inconceivable right now. I have a hard time actually feeling my emotions. It feels like im rather repressing them. Feels like im being controlled by a puppeteer. I dont really know what you can help me with. Im basically just bitching online so that people can feel sorry for me. I know that I should fix my diet, but I have huge gag problems. There are times when I can confront it and get more used to eating stuff that im dissgusted by, but other times I just get ego backlashes and go back to normal. Same goes for exersise. Been going back and forth like this for years. All I want now is peace and quiet. I dont give a shit about life purpose anymore. I basically just wanna go full eckhart and commit mental suicide. But If I cant do it mentally, might as well do it physically. I need some fire lit inside me that makes me wanna go and explore the world despite the meaninglesness of it all. Huge reason why havent yet done it is becasue I cant stand the fact that my family would have to go through my suicide. But that dosent really matter either when im dead. Im not that selfless.

Exactly. None of the great spiritual masters teaches suicide of the form, only suicide of the ego. Rather than disparaging life as meaningless, they emphasize the hero's journey. If life has no purpose, why bother teaching love, and the end of suffering? Is it helpful to say that ultimately, there is no soul, there is no journey, and there is no purpose? Or is there wisdom in recognizing that God creates this cosmos for a reason? The realization of ultimate reality is correct, yet it has no power to liberate us from this transient form. It only provides perspective. There is not only ultimate reality, there is also relative reality. God is all of it. This understanding allows lucidity, enhancing the quality of our experience, however transient it may be.

Tuesday 19/09/2020 , 20:30 I don't know why I exist or why things are the way they are. I've asked myself now to wonder why I'm addicted and how addiction is, but I also open my mind to my judgements being wrong. And so it is I say, Maybe "addiction" and "wasting my life" isn't so wrong. Maybe suicide isn't such an irrational idea. Maybe I won't "wake up". Maybe there's no need and no point to me studying for these exams. Maybe it's fine if I'm never happy. Maybe it's fine if I never regain my emotion or regain my past. Maybe it's fine if my Dp & Dr lasts forever. Maybe it's completely fine for me to be depressed and sapped of energy. So where does that leave this sad kid? Who is he and can he be, or have, anything? Maybe it's fine if he lives the most unremarkable and dull life there is

@Rayster This one? https://www.hindustantimes.com/hollywood/thor-actor-isaac-kappy-commits-suicide-leaves-behind-note-on-instagram/story-HSc0aro0XsFi970B9jXUFK.html That conspiracy is not true IMO https://www.mediamatters.org/google/qanon-linked-conspiracy-theory-about-tom-hanks-reached-twitters-and-googles-search

Edit: I should’ve made it clear in the initial post that I’m talking about solipsism from the point of consciousness being the self in the definition of “self alone/alone self” rather than the ego being the self instead of waiting until later posts to clarify this. This ultimately caused a lot of confusion in the responses. It was entirely my fault as I was using an altered definition of the word without clarifying, which I often get frustrated when others do this. About a month ago, I had some very solipsistic insights. This made me question every spiritual belief or even everyday non-spiritual belief I’ve had previous to that, and I’m still in a seemingly unshakable state of skepticism. Before these solipsistic insights and newly found skepticism for spirituality, I used to believe in a universe existing outside of what I directly experience in the moment. I used to believe all living beings had consciousness under the framework of Brahman. I even started to believe that all points in the universe could be conscious. Here’s an example of one thing Leo said that seems to support solipsism: Forum user - “I have determined mahasamadhi is impossible because causing emotional harm to your family members through suicide under the premise that something good will happen to you. It is selfish.” Leo responding - “Lol That's just an excuse you imagined so that you remain inside the dream. Realize deeper that your family and their suffering is just a dream you are hallucinating to keep yourself away from Infinite Love. What that is, is just fear of Infinite Love and formlessness. Once you are dead, your family will no longer exist.” The last sentence suggests that the world no longer exists when you die. This seems to be a very solipsistic view. Leo also regularly has talked about the universe as being some meta-being compared to the individual. This seems to go against solipsism, but all of Leo’s mentions of this that I’ve seen have come before that forum response and his latest video. Leo’s last Youtube video is seemingly even more solipsistic than the response above. He talks about there being no other perceptual bubbles than your own. Was this only said in order to guide people toward recognizing themselves as God and ultimately false information given for that purpose, or was it one of Leo’s insights?

Hmmm, first time I've seen the name of this drug. Cymbalta. [I don't know the names of many drugs]. Looking it up it seems like a strong drug, and the half life is very short. And you've been on it for a while. Good luck on your journey as well! To update my situation from my posts 2 months ago in November. About 5 weeks ago I stopped SSRIs completely. Had serious withdrawal for about 1-2 weeks. Now I'm in the process of learning how to heal and deal with depression generally, in addition to lingering withdrawal of SSRI and living life without it. Do whatever you need or have to do, whether that means slow or fast. The only universal I've seen for depression is being proactive. But life's hard, progress doesn't come easy, and it only ever feels like the beginning. It is what it is, I knew for myself what I had to do. I felt incredibly degraded in settling for a passive mentality where I wasn't proactive. Especially when the SSRI had especially negative side effects for me. And obviously those repressed emotions of shame are still here, I just don't open to it much. I went to the funeral recently of one my best friends who commit suicide, so I'm still very stressed out and perturbed. But thankfully I'm still relatively fine.

Polarity isn't something that can be put on from the outside by making yourself fit into stereotypes of masculinity and femininity. In fact, you can't make yourself more masculine or more feminine. They are fixed qualities. Everyone has an inborn masculine/feminine signature. Therefore, you can choose to be conscious of your natural signature and to express it authentically. Or you can repress it and try (unsuccessfully) to write something else over it. So, a man who is 80% masculine and 20% feminine will be most polarized to a woman who is 80% feminine and 20% masculine. A man who is 60% masculine and 40% feminine will be most polarized to a woman who is 60% feminine and 40% masculine. This is also true for polarization in same-sex couples. So, while it is true that opposites attract... you are thinking in incorrect ways about polarization. The only way to find your polar matches are to express what's actually there. If you try to cram yourself into some masculine stereotype, all you're going to do is reduce your own potency and ability to attract who you're most polarized to. It will dim your light and few moths will be drawn to it in an authentic way. Also, divorce rates were lower in the mid 1900s because it was a huge social stigma back then. It doesn't mean that people were happier. Once "no fault" divorce was allowed, the suicide rates for women dropped quite a bit. You can't determine the quality of a relationship based on longevity. And the divorce rate has NOTHING to do with how good relationships were back then. It's all about social expectations. And respect has little to do with what a person does for a living. Respect is derived from noticing someone who has virtues. Throw off the shackles of these stereotypes or forever feel alone having to perform a caricature of masculinity to be lovable.

I agree that setting the intention on goals and assessment is key. Yet how is the goal of wellness assessed? A few ideas: — Surveys of people’s subjective sense of well-being, stress and job satisfaction. — Rates of domestic violence, alcohol and drug addiction. — Suicide rates — Ranking on best places to live — Tourism

This something is SpongeBob! He unifies so different characters. That´s why I like this cartoon and watch it always to raise my spirits. Did you read "A long way down" by Nick Hornby? Completely different people meet on the roof of the buildung out of the same reason. They want to commit suicide out of different personal reasons and circumstanses. They argue and accuse each other, in other words they are distracted by each other and cannot die solemnly as intended. Instead they remain in touch through the whole book It´s funny

We would have to agree to a collective suicide, since "evil" is necessary to sustain the population in the world, that is, the exploitation of the other, be it human or animal ... or Vegetable, destroying the environment natural. This society has gotten where it is because of the ego. If all of humanity were suddenly enlightened, it would be as if a stock broker were enlightened, he d have to undo many external aspects of his life

One of the insurrectionists at the U.S. Capitol that was arrested just committed suicide by gun. This is a full blown cult, and this is cult behavior. They are willing to give their life for Trump. Hence why inauguration day is going to be a bloodbath. https://www.ajc.com/news/georgia-man-arrested-following-capitol-insurrection-has-died-by-suicide/TYSJF7II6JG63G7K6JGON522JQ/

But what about all voting fraud claims? Many of the lawsuits have been dismissed not because of lack of evidence, but because the courts don't even want to touch them and claim lack of standing and dismiss them before even looking at any claims. Is Trump a deep state puppet? Put into office to almost expose the voting fraud and then blow himself up like an ISIS suicide bomber by staging his own jumping the shark event? And thereby preventing any voting fraud from ever being discussed or mentioned again. Looks to me that Trump is actually protecting the Democrats by this reverse psychology stunt of his.

My family and the people around me have always preached "no pain no gain" and "bitter before the sweet". All my life I've worked hard to excel and overachieve in school, hobbies, and other facets of my life. I've always been able to self-motivate myself to perform well for things like school by convincing myself that even if I don't enjoy the course, I'll definitely enjoy the result as well as the praise from my family and peers. These past few years I've found myself numb to that praise and affirmation, it's been my drug of choice for all my life and now it feels like I've built a tolerance to it, I can't get enough for a "high" anymore. I recently graduated at the top of my university program and I have a job lined up that most people would consider high paying and sought after. I'm just wondering when I'll experience the "sweet" because it doesn't feel like I've achieved anything. Do I just have a messed up temperament? All my peers and family look up to me but it's honestly so laughable, if they felt what I felt I doubt they'd feel this way. It honestly pisses me off when people are envious of me because there's no way they'd want what I have. I've never had thoughts of suicide in the past but lately right before I fall asleep I have a thought that I wouldn't mind if I didn't wake up the next day. The idea seems so peaceful to me, it would be like before you were born, no pain, no suffering. I guess I'm just on here to see what kind of perspectives people have of my life. I realize that I'm the one causing this as well as the one suffering from this but I struggle to even envision a better version of myself, beyond that she would be happier.

He faked his own suicide/death once or twice, worrying his friends and family, he also ended up in a psych ward and posted Instagram stories about it making fun of the whole situation. He justifies all those incidents saying its does it "just to get peoples attention". The actual "enlightenment" content is good, but you have dig through click-bait, trollish behavior and viral toxicity to get to it.

I think Giuliani has gone crazy. He did political suicide. Completely lost his marbles. ?

Ha! Well played! Although, I did not tell you to go and kill yourself. Notice that you created that scenario where you were told to commit suicide, out of fear for your life or whatever. What I said exactly was that I told you to stop fearing death. Just the feeling of fear that you have, but seem to be unaware of. Don't tell me that you don't fear death, because you do, even more than I do, I can guarantee that. If you can live your life fearlessly, you will be God. That is, if you can. But I challenge you to do that. For example, can you go and tell a girl that you just saw that you want to have sex with her? If you can't, that's because you are afraid. Now apply the same rule for everything that you want but are unable to have, and contemplate the feelings that arise. Eventually, you will realize how fear is running your entire life. Your attitude does not sound optimal, though. So idk, maybe my message won't get through, but anyway, try to keep an open mind.

4546 4547 Q: Well were some of the scared - was there s- fear in you that people were 4548 gonna find out about your relationship, too? 4549 4550 A: No, I didn’t even care about that at that point. 4551 4552 Q: At that point, there was n-... 4553 4554 A: I was just, like... 4555 4556 Q: Okay. 4557 4558 A: ...scared, like, of the situation. It was just, like, getting escalated and it was 4559 freaking me out. And he was just, like, not - he was strange. So another thing - 4560 so that was Tuesday. And that was it for Tuesday but I forgot some stuff on 4561 Monday that I did need to bring up to you guys. So Monday, um, when we 4562 were on the phone, at one point he mentioned to me - I can’t even believe I 4563 have to say this. She left her wedding ring here and I said something along the 4564 lines of, “Does that mean you two are done?” And he was like - uh, oh my 4565 God. He said, “How much do you think it’s worth?” And I r- like, remember 4566 hearing him say that and being like, “What the fuck?”And I remember 4567 thinkin’ to myself, like, “I don’t even know how to respond to this.” And so I 4568 was like, “I don’t know. Pawn it, man.” And I was just, like - I was like, “I 4569 pawn jewelry all the time.” I was like, “I pawned jewelry a few times.” I was 4570 like, “It’s not worth shit though.” And I was like, “So I don’t know if you 4571 really wanna do that.” And he’s like, “No. No. I think I’m gonna get it 4572 appraised. It’s a nice rock.” And I was just like, “Okay.” And it was, like, 4573 really awkward. And then he, like... 4574 4575 Q: And that was on Monday? 4576 4577 A: That was on Monday night. And that, to me, was, like - it was kinda strange. 4578 And then the Tuesday lying thing - like, I’m telling you, it started, like, 4579 Monday night, him saying that, that was why I couldn’t sleep. ‘Cause he made 4580 the comment about the wedding ring. 4581 4582 Q: Okay. 4583 4584 A: And then Tuesday, her still not comin’ home and then him lyin’ to me. And I 4585 was just like, “Oh my God. Oh my God. Like, what if something happened?” 4586 And it was, like, really hard for me to put... 4587 4588 Q: When - when you say, “What - what if something happened?” what were you 4589 thinking? 4591 A: Like, what if somebody took her? Like, could he possibly hurt her? And that 4592 was, like, the first time that I really, I think, genuinely considered, “Did this 4593 man hurt his wife?” And it was, like, hard for me to grasp. And, uh, I thought 4594 about it a lot and I - I waited for the night ‘cause I wanted to see if she would 4595 come home. And it was already pretty late. And I had company and I was just, 4596 like, “Let me just see how this plays out.” And, um, my buddy (Jim) left, I 4597 don’t know, probably, like, 9:00 or 10:00. Probably just, like, the same time 4598 he always leaves. And then, um, I couldn’t sleep then. It was really bad. And I 4599 woke up in the morning and I saw the interview that he had with the 4600 newspapers. And he just looked really different to me. 4601 4602 Q: How so? 4603 4604 A: The white in his eyes is gone. They’re, like, a different color now. It’s like he 4605 has no soul. I swear to God. I saw it and I was just like, “Look at his eyes.” I 4606 saw his mugshot. They’re not even the same color. Like, when you guys 4607 retrieve the pictures that are on my phone, look at his eyes then compared to 4608 now. Like, it’s the scariest shit I think I’ve ever seen in my life. It freaked me 4609 out. I was like, “That’s not even the same man that I know.” And it was really 4610 uncomfortable. Um, but anyways I saw that report in the morning and I was 4611 just to the point where I was just like, “All right. Like, something happened.” 4612 This woman is missing. Whether it was him or someone else, I know, like, a 4613 woman went missing not too long ago in Longmont. Like, I think it was, like, 4614 two months ago or something like that. And you guys - not you guys. But 4615 somebody up there called off the search on her. I don’t think they ever found 4616 her. So I was like, “I don’t know, maybe that’s connected, maybe somebody 4617 came and got her. Maybe he did something. I don’t know.” But I knew, like, it 4618 was a problem. And at this point, I was like, “I’m in a very messy situation 4619 with this man. And I don’t know what to do.” And so I called my dad ‘cause 4620 he’s, like, the only person that I trust with everything in the whole world and I 4621 was just like, “I have a problem.” And I told him everything and my - I was 4622 like - we just discussed it and it was like, “We need to go to cops.” Definitely. 4623 Because I figured you guys would find me eventually but I was like, “I feel 4624 like they need to speak to me. I feel like I’m a very important person for you 4625 guys to communicate with.” 4626 4627 Q: You are. 4628 4629 A: And so, you know - and again, I wish I’d have done it sooner but it just, like - 4630 it just kinda took the sequence of events of his lies and all of his bullshit 4631 falling apart for me to process that I needed to address the situation. And so - 4632 you know, and the time. And so that, to me - and another thing he lied to me 4633 on I caught him on Monday night, he was like - oh it was right after the 4634 wedding ring thing. He was talkin’ about - it might’ve been before. One of the 4635 two. But he was - he was, like, talkin’ about how, um - he, like, reflected on 4636 North Carolina and he was talkin’ about how he wanted the separation and all 4637 this stuff. And I’m like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I 4638 thought you were the one tryin’ to make peace with her and she’s the one who 4639 didn’t want it.” He’s like, “No, I wanted it.” And I was just like, “Okay.” And 4640 another thing on Monday night, his breathing was, like - uh, it was like his 4641 voice would crack sometimes. But I didn’t, like, condemn him for anything 4642 like that because I was like, “Well yeah, he’s probably stressed the hell out. 4643 His family’s gone,” you know what I’m saying? 4644 4645 Q: Sure. 4646 4647 A: So I don’t know. So that happened. And then, um... 4648 4649 Q: He never made any admissions to you about anything that he had done? 4650 4651 A: Nope. 4652 4653 Q: Um, he never said anything about doing - or at any time, not - not just in these 4654 days but during your relationship, did he ever say anything about hurting his 4655 wife, his children? 4656 4657 A: Never. Never. 4658 4659 Q: Did - in - in - on these conversations from Monday to Tuesday, um, did he 4660 ever say that, um, you know, somebody did something to them? Or did he 4661 ever give s- uh - um, an excuse to you how this could’ve happened? 4662 4663 A: No. I mean, he - he was... 4664 4665 Q: Other than they just were goin’ to a friend’s house. 4666 4667 A: Yeah, or he was like, “Yeah, I think she’s, like, with one of her friends. She 4668 doesn’t wanna talk to me,” kinda thing. 4669 4670 Q: So... 4671 4672 A: But other than that, no. I mean, like, he told me, like, “Yeah, she said she was 4673 with another man. But I think it was out of spite.” Like, he never really, like, 4674 held that she was with another dude. Like, sh- he never was like, “Yeah, she’s 4675 with some guy.” Like, she said it but I don’t think she meant it. 4676 4677 Q: Mm-hm. 4678 4679 A: Is kinda what he was, like, directing towards me. But no, he - I think that’s 4680 why I gave him the benefit of the doubt so long. Like, he has always been 4681 such a civil, gentle man to me. And he’s always been pretty calm and, like, 4682 levelheaded when he talks about the d- like, the differences between him and 4683 his wife. And I mean, that’s a sensitive subject. And he never, ever seemed 4684 like he was, like, aggressive about it. I mean, he was always just, like, chill. 4685 And he never talked ill of his children. He was always so bubbly about them. 4686 Like, those were his babies. So when all this happened, I was just like, “What 4687 the fuck?” And... 4688 4689 Q: S- so that brings me to a question real quick. I mean, you got - you - I don’t 4690 think anybody over the last six or eight weeks knows this dude better than - 4691 than you. I really don’t. You guys probably spent more time together than 4692 anybody. 4693 4694 A: Mm-hm. 4695 4696 Q: Um, conversation, whatever. Relationship. Um, what do you think - the - 4697 what’s the catalyst for this event? Do you have any - have you had - and I - I 4698 know it’s a hard question but I wanna get it out now we’re here. If - if there’s 4699 a thought that you have, um, that might lead us to understand a little bit why 4700 he might’ve done something like this, um - like I said, I don’t - I met Chris on 4701 - on Wednesday. Um, so I don’t know Chris. Not like you do. 4702 4703 A: Um, you know, I’ve thought about this. And sometimes I think to myself if I 4704 wasn’t in that man’s life, would his family still be alive? And I’ve thought 4705 about this a lot. And I think I can give myself different responses. But in all 4706 honesty, I think they might be alive but not permanently. I do not think that 4707 this man just snapped. I don’t think that he just met some fuckin’ amazing 4708 woman and he was just gonna try to fuckin’ murder his family and then think 4709 that I was okay with, like, building a relationship with somebody who did 4710 something like that. Like, at what fucking point, you know? And not only that, 4711 like, I always try to say, you know, like, “When we get to a point where we’ve 4712 been together long enough, I would love to meet your children.” Like, I never 4713 (discluded) them from anything. Like, I remember comin’ back from 4714 Colorado Springs and I was like, “Oh my God, they got the Cheyenne Zoo 4715 down here. You gotta take your kids. And, like, the - you can feed the giraffes 4716 and they would love it.” Like, I always tried to, like, in- like, show him cool 4717 things like, “Hey, man, would your kids like this? ‘Cause my nephew would 4718 like this. Like, check this out.” You know? Like, I sent him a screenshot of 4719 some rainbow u- unicorn Lucky Charms the other day. I was like, “Do your 4720 daughters know about these? ‘Cause I bet these are epic.” Like, little things 4721 like that where it’s like - like, genuinely - like, I care. I do. Like, despite how 4722 messy this is and how I’m sure I’m gonna be portrayed in the media and 4723 everything, like, I care about, like, his wellbeing with his children and all of 4724 that. And so for me, like, when I think of, “What was he - going through his 4725 head?” I find it really hard to believe that I am the catalyst for all of this. I will 4726 be willing to say that I think me being in his life accelerated what was 4727 inevitably about to happen. But I don’t think people just snap. Love does not 4728 murder. Hate and resentment murder. That’s the way I look at that. I do not 4729 know what is the truth anymore and what’s not and I don’t have all of the 4730 details. But this is just my, like, opinion but I’m pretty convinced that that 4731 woman and him did not get along very well and the reason they stuck together 4732 was, “Hey we’re gonna do kids.” And I think they also stuck together because 4733 they were in a very bad financial bind. And I think that she continuously 4734 disregarded it. And I think he messed up because he was too passive to say 4735 anything to her about it and really address it. And it just got to the point where 4736 it’s just like, you file bankruptcy and then what do you do? Just wait 'til you 4737 file the next one? I don’t know. I don’t know what their finances look like 4738 now but from the way it made it sound, it’s probably a pretty stark situation. 4739 And I don’t know if hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt over and over 4740 and over again are enough to lead a man to, like, wanna take somebody out 4741 but I don’t know. I’ve heard of people committing suicide over that shit 4742 before. And I would never justify what he did. I think it’s fuckin’ disgusting. 4743 It’s - ugh. Like, he’s such a fuckin’ pig. But I just - I try to, like, be like, 4744 “Why?” I try to come up with the why. And I really think that he was 4745 struggling with her really bad and not only that, he’s got a third child on the 4746 way and I know he was probably just like, “I can’t fucking afford a third kid.” 4747 Wants it but can’t afford it, you know? And he always told me he, like, 4748 wanted a little boy. You know? He wanted a third child. 4749 4750 Q: Mm-hm. 4751 4752 A: And so I think that it was just something like I think they were in a financial 4753 situation and I think she was very non-responsive to him trying to - to, like, 4754 solve problems and, like, get out of the situations that they were in. And I 4755 think people just get complacent is what it is. And then, you know, I think, uh, 4756 he met me and I think I was, like, a breath of fresh air for him where it was 4757 like, he could get away and just be like, “You know what? I can be myself. I 4758 don’t have to worry about money right now.” Like, you know, and this girl, 4759 like” - I have my shit together. Like, my life is so, like, very in order. 4760 4761 Q: You seem very, uh, organized and independent and dialed in for a 30 y... 4762 4763 A: Always. Like, I do really good at - I do really good at work, I have, like, 4764 almost a perfect credit score. I’ve been savin’ money for a house. Like, I don’t 4765 mess around. I mean, I did. I screwed up. This is, like, my one screw up ever 4766 and it’s about to be on, like, n- national news. But, um, just very dialed in. 4767 And I think it was, like, a breath of fresh air for him to, like, be around 4768 something like that because I don’t think that he knew that that was, like, a 4769 real thing. And he had told me that, like, numerous times. Like, “I didn’t 4770 know, like, women like you, like, existed.” I was just like, “All right.” Like, I