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About Charlotte

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  • Birthday 03/21/1990

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  1. I started University last week and I had a terrible first week, so overwhelmed and 'in over my head', with just the sheer amount of people and noise. I can only stand a limited amount of external auditory and visual stimuli otherwise I start to get a headache and stress. I felt socially hungover every evening and this weekend has been cool to recharge. I wasn't always this way, however, I think the pandemic has a huge role, and the craving to be alone. Funny that maybe some 6 years ago I would have hung around with people at University but now I literally just want to be alone. The content is interesting, and I am trying my best not to be a close-minded prick (i.e, quantitative research methods). I realised when we got on to the topic of the scientific method, in my head, I could hear myself echoing Leo, and then I realised that I was actually shutting down the chance to be open-minded and experiencing the topic for myself. So I went ahead and shunned any 'beliefs' I have about anything I have learnt which has left me open to experience. Although I still look for the opportunity at any given moment to contest the materialistic scientific paradigm. But, I have no actual experience of science, I am looking to refute this paradigm as a student who has been at Uni for 1 week. I feel that is somewhat bold and almost ignorant of me. However, keeping myself sat on the open-minded fence is of most importance, I can see the mind wants the pendulum to swing more so in one direction but recognising this need for certainty and remaining aware is key ๐Ÿ— . The sheer stress from last week triggered a deep contemplation. I realised, that I rush, and pressure myself, and remain too attentive to make sure I do miss content, I know where I am up to, I am on time, why? Because if I am, late, or miss content then there is a chance of a huge backlog of work (i.e., pressure/stress). So, to avoid this backlog stress I reinforce the first protocol. However, I have realised this is an unhealthy jerk circle. I am fighting fear with fear. So, as of the end of last week, I started CBT with myself and trying to remain more mindful within the 'rushed' or 'pressured' times within the day. This and also questioning why I am not just chilling the fuck out ><, I am going to keep letting go and trusting myself as opposed to the mind gripping and trying to control this experience. I also micro-dosed at University, which was an amazing experience as I was walking and I realised everyone is a figment of my imagination ><, furthermore, random social anxiety, pressure and stress were almost gone. Interesting, however, as much as I love mushrooms I don't think they are a good tool to deploy on study days, they ground one so much that concentration and learning is too hard to do. I may try and seek out some LSD as I have never experimented with that before. This week upcoming is going to be further tests, sp what I am going to do to try and swing my pendulum in a healthier direction? Meditation as much as possible throughout the day. Be alone more often, seek solitude and silent areas. Continue with CBT where possible. Before changing the activity, e.g., walking out the door, stop and set a timer for 2 minutes and consciously breath. Keep practising open-minded practices.
  2. @RickyFitts Life is unbelievably beautiful isn't it
  3. Been wondering lately, been contemplating death and regret. I am more afraid of regret than death itself, why? Because I don't know what death really is. I just buried a squirrel in my back garden. I cried, I felt deep sadness, not suffering per se, but more like a 'love' cry. I realised I cry because life is lost, but then I thought, am I crying for the 'form'?, am I crying for the form of this animal?. When as a matter of fact, I don't know what will happen, or where he may go. But I know he will live on through the plants and the earth. I go through a phase of Nihilism when it comes to death, but it keeps me on my toes ><
  4. Amazing
  5. Only thing that I find works for me (at those times when you're rolling around from the pain) is Feminax. Ibuprofen Lysine seems to be the main active ingredient.
  6. I've found that the green individuals in those places seem to also be encompassed in ideology. Don't get me wrong, I also fall prey to this but they don't even see it. Any type of challenge and they quickly turn back into the close mindedness of orange.
  7. The questions are so broad and vague and reek of determinism, absolute horse shite I'm afraid ๐Ÿ’ฉ (jk btw)
  9. Stopped posting on my old journal because I wanted to post so much but then I remembered it's a public forum. So this one is gonna be less about personal shit but just life, the journey and all the minutia that is involved. I will be starting the University journey next week so that will be interesting. Currently dealing with a tendon flare up and learning how to power lift. Microdosing regularly, attending further therapy, meditating and as always, wondering "Why?" Last year got so hectic that I barely had time to come on here, and I hated not being able to, it grinded at the front of my mind regularly. My partner moved in, covid started, I started EMDR which was unbelievable, but, to be honest, it was also one of the hardest times of my life thus far. I was doing therapy and studying at such high demand that the EMDR made studying 20X as hard. After much deliberation and stalling and crying (didn't want to 'be' weak, but counterintuitively I knew to surrender to the idea was to be 'strong') I decided to opt for a small course of anti-anxiety medication, which to my surprise, helped tremendously. I continued with the strength training at home during all lockdowns, I showed up every day and made it work. Exercise, especially strength training has been one of my greatest 'anchors' and teachers along this journey. Ego, or mind, however you wanna frame it, is constantly tested and placed within the uncomfortable position during exercise and it truly is phenomenal to observe how the mind creates not only boundaries, but the limitations you 'think' you can do. I recently started at a competitive powerlifting gym, I am being coached 1-1 and he has observed how I tend to 'think' my way through mechanical movements, he told me (most probably due to the injuries I have sustained), he notices I am very analytical when it comes to something as simple as a squat movement. This was somewhat disheartening but I accepted it. I have had to let go (I am self-taught) of the mind and completely hand over trust not only to a stranger but to my body, trust it knows what's best. Feeling the movements instead of thinking them. I am within my early days of learning, I hope to compete, but I have to take it slower than the average person due to tendon issues (which I sustained most probably in my early days of intermittent fasting and a lack of nutritional knowledge). Anyhow, enough of the rambling. I hope to post some cool things here I discover, cool videos about physical chronic pain (again another great teacher), microdosing journey (week 3 using Golden Teacher), and other random shit such as healing, love, connection, strangers, friends, university etc.
  10. I have been in education (started with zero qualifications) for almost 3 years already, working my way up to university. As proud and elated as I am for getting this far, I am feeling somewhat fatigued of academic work. It's been non stop graft for 3 years already. Managed to secure myself a place at University studying psychology. However, the course I did last year (fast track to university course) was so demanding, pressure some and fast paced (I was also doing therapy alongside this which wouldn't of helped with the regular stresses of the course) it's knackered me for what I am about to endure. I feel so tired from it. And scared, scared to have no life like I did with the last course. It drained me and zapped me of any free time whatsoever. Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Could you provide me with some motivation? Some of your key ๐Ÿ—๏ธ advice for University starters? Trying to motivate myself. Muito apreciado Merci bien Sehr geschรคtzt ะžั‡ะตะฝัŒ ั†ะตะฝะธั‚ัั เคฌเคนเฅเคค เคธเคฐเคพเคนเคจเคพ เค•เฅ€ ๐Ÿ˜™๐ŸŒท
  11. @Marcel this is really interesting and insightful, thank you so much. I started the practice and already had a small but growing reaction. Looks to be very promising, I don't know in what way exactly, but I will keep you posted. @RickyFitts you have the most beautiful words, thoughts and feelings. Thank you so much for your support on the forum. @Alysssa Thank you for your reply. Enjoy the time you have with your dog. Animals are absolutely profound โ™ฅ๏ธ๐Ÿˆ๐Ÿถ๐Ÿฎ
  12. This is beautiful. Thank you for this. I will write a letter, love the idea. ๐Ÿ’š Absolutely. Thank you ๐Ÿ’š๐ŸŒฑ @catcat69123 thank you for replying. I agree exposure to the situation would help. Like I mentioned I have undergone one EMDR session, in which shame did surface. There was a feeling of guilt underlying as I was helpless toward him. That's why I feel I need to accept the fact that I did have no control and I was myself helpless. Yes, to a degree and no. This is the first time a traumatic event has happened to somerhi I love deeply which I have bore witness to, the previous time it was myself. I was the victim. @Nahm as per, evoking deep contemplation, thank you for replying ๐Ÿงก @Surfingthewave yes, I have an overarching feeling to control in some areas. I experience OCD symptoms and have done for year's (I'm some areas) I am starting to see this may simply be a byproduct of overthinking. I am allowing myself to enter into environments in which I have to surrender and give over control and trust more. This has been so hard but unbelievably rewarding and insightful.
  13. I have faced fears in the past but they gave returned for the same action. Would that indicate I have not actually faced the fear?
  14. @Thought Art What would you say you have learnt so far from Oshos book? Will definitely check that out thanks. @Seed Enjoy and hold tight for the journey.๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ’š @RickyFitts More than welcome brother โ™ฅ๏ธ
  15. I'm approximately 10 pages into this book and you know when something is so good you have to go back and read the page again because it's unbelievably insightful. Well, that X10. Highly recommended. Changing my life already. 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'- Susan Jeffers