flume

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About flume

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  • Birthday 04/02/1995

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  • Location
    Austria
  • Gender
    Female

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  1. My car broke down several times last week and I’m in the process of getting a new one. Pretty pointless to begin describing how much it annoys me to take care of this. On the bright side, the moment I allowed myself to really really really really really really really hate this situation, I suddenly felt a lot better. I can now laugh about how much I hate it all, I can totally commit to the experience and it doesn’t feel sticky anymore. I enjoy living the “I hate to take care of practical stuff”-archetype, even moaning about how energy draining it all is and how I just want my inner world back. It’s great. Perks of having inferior extroverted sensing.
  2. Wow, I haven’t been this exhausted in over a year I think. This really hit me out of nowhere. It’s like I’m standing with my back towards the ocean and a huge wave builds up without me even realising and down I go. I think I’m overworked and overexcited from this (birthday) weekend, a difficult family situation, my car breaking down and just too many things planned in general. The tension between wanting to do many beautiful things and at the same time wanting the most simple life with nothing planned is killing me. Even though it doesn’t feel like a contradiction most days, these days it really does. After I got home from work yesterday evening I was shaking and so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I realised I couldn’t feel myself anymore. I took a bath, splashed around in the water, trying to ‘find myself’ again. I felt thrown back to years ago, when I felt similarly maniac, ready to take any kind of drug or cut myself open just to feel something. Anything. I knew I was safe though. No way I would hurt myself in any way. I knew that this too will pass and I’ll be out of this in no time. But still I was able to really surrender to this weird state I found myself in. Old thoughts and memories flooded my system to a point where I had to give up making sense of any of that. The thoughts had no real grip on me anymore, same with sensations. Everything was just passing by. All that was left was a stream, a sequence of “happenings” that I couldn’t even judge “crazy” or “helpful” anymore, because perception had no interest in these labels. In the middle of this non-dual experience, I realise I’ve found an unexpected loophole through suffering, to the present moment. I knew that this is possible. I’ve found out about this conceptually on my first LSD trip. It’s the same “hole” Eckhart Tolle fell into. At the bottom of every negative feeling, the present moment is always here to catch you. “You cannot fall deeper than into Gods hands” they said. I guess that’s where this phrase came from. Today I’m here. Coming back to what I love most. Writing to seek the lesson. Dear feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm, I know you’re a great teacher. Please share with me the gifts you’re bringing especially to me. You’re free to experience anything and it doesn’t define you. So why am I having these feelings? So you learn that lesson. So it has nothing to do with outward circumstances? Outward circumstances are created to teach you the lessons you need. I don’t feel like “my consciousness” ever changes though. Highs, lows, even sleep and trips, nothing ever fundamentally changes about the one perceiving all this. At all. It doesn’t. So why those “lessons” then? So you realise that. Realise what? That your consciousness never changes and you can finally be safe with life. All of life. You just still had the impression that the thing you do or the things that happen to you define you in any way. They don’t. None of this is about you.
  3. @fridjonk Riiight? Have you ever taken 2CB? I always get such mind blowing insights about health on that drug, don't know why. I think I'll compile them here in a post sometime. Aw, Matts event in London just got cancelled (or moved online rather), otherwise I would have totally passed that wish along to him Love the new pic btw! You better believe I'm booping that nose through the screen every time it pops up. How do you get them to stare so straight into the camera though!? Very impressive. @Michael569 Thanks
  4. Inspiring thread to follow This book really made me realise that it's not about the amount of content you consume, but how you work with it. Every page in the book is just so relevant and you can work with it endlessly. Keep it up!
  5. In my experience, examining the bad feeling first is the right step to take. It’s a feeling that arises inside of you, so take it seriously. Try locating the boredom or frustration in your body and put your attention on it. Examine it in a meditative (observant) way: How does it move? What are its qualities? Treat the feeling like a person that’s here to deliver an important message to you. “How are you here to help me?” Is a question that always leads to success. Examining bad feelings is like digging for gold: They’re here to teach you something, you just have to be open and willing to learn. Just play with the answers that come up. You’ll know you’re going in the right direction when the feeling transforms into a more pleasant feeling and tension leaves your body. Then go with that. It might be different every time, so no yes/no answer is possible to your question. That’’s what it means to cultivate love imo: Leaving mechanicalness behind. Even in meditation. Especially in meditation. A bad feeling is like a child asking for your attention. Sure you can ignore it for a while but it’s not gonna get any calmer by doing so. Nor will the relationship benefit from it. The “pushing through” mentality might “work” sometimes, but I find that in the long run you’re cultivating an environment of distrust an opposition. If you come at it from the perspective of “everything is here to help me”, there are no sides anymore. No pushing through thoughts or bad feelings required, as they’re listened to first. Meditation will become a lot more pleasant, peaceful and effortless this way. Meditation is not a “tool” so to say, but an outcome of feelings taken seriously.
  6. There’s something intoxicating about becoming the healthiest version of myself. Currently on a little health challenge with a friend of mine. We get points for not eating sweets, intermittent fasting and working out. We’re competing for a super nice yoga mat. (Fun fact: I’ve been doing yoga for 5 years now and I don’t have a yoga mat) it’s a ton of fun and so motivating to do something like this together. I really go through phases when it comes to health. Sometimes I don’t really want to think about it too much and just focus on other things in my life. I wanna eat what I feel like and not become so obsessed (again) with nutrition and working out. Luckily, I still crave healthy food most of the time even then. But then, during challenges like these, it’s like I glimpse some kind of “super human” version of myself and I just wonder on what kind of high level I could function if I’d be really diligent with my health. Feels like developing superpowers sometimes… The simple basics of enough sleep, working out, stretching, massages and healthy food make me feel sooo damn good. Totally enjoying the mental clarity, focus and groundedness that comes with it as well. Ugh. Matt Kahn once said that the most wonderful experience you’ll ever have is experiencing your consciousness, fully awakened, in a body grounded in all its senses. That’s bliss. And I can totally imagine that. I end up thinking “I really wanna focus all my time and energy into this aspect of my life”. But that’s how I feel about at least 10 totally different areas of my life. Haha. Damn it. Sometimes I’m thinking that if I just wouldn’t need to sleep, I’d have enough time to do all the things I want to do everyday.
  7. First try recording covers. This was so much fun
  8. A few days ago I thought "It would be so nice to have flowers in my apartment" for the first time in my life. Up until now I always thought it's kind of weird to gift flowers and that I'd rather have living plants. I just never got what's so special about it. Well, I guess someone picked up on that wish and had some delivered right to my door Now I totally get the hype. It's sooooo beautiful. I mean look at that. Makes me so happy to have them at my desk. What a day
  9. Something a little different
  10. Wowww! So happy for you guys You bet I'm coming over to pet these sheep! They look fluffy af. Much love!
  11. I just realised why I love personality typology so much. I could never quite put my finger on why I’m so fascinated with this theory but now I can. I thought about P. coming over tomorrow and that I’d really like to share my new video idea with him before uploading it. It actually gets me excited to get up early in the morning to shoot and edit before he’s coming over. I played the scenario through in my mind: how I’m bringing it up, getting my computer and being kind of nervous to share something a little different. For a moment I stopped and asked myself why I’m so nervous about it. I mean, he’s my best friend, right? Still, it’s his feedback that I value the most because it’s the most constructive and clear kind of feedback I’ve ever gotten. He’s not shy to point out logical inconsistencies, consider the effect it has on people and just shine a light on it from so many sides I would have never considered. I know that whatever he says, he means. And I know that he values our friendship, but that this would never prevent him from being straight forward with me. In my very feel-y, social surroundings, I don’t have these kinds of conversations very much. It’s actually constructive. I can be certain that my growth is his top priority in our interactions, which intrigues me and draws me towards him so much. In short, he’s a badass ENTJ. A natural leader with amazing levels of self awareness that make me so proud to have him in my life. And I wish he could see that about himself. I wish he could see how unique his way of making sense of this world is, how incredible he is at organising knowledge and how he has strengths that are really quite unique and powerful. But most people can’t see those parts about themselves because they’re like a fish in water. It’s so natural to them, that the only way they’re aware of their inner workings is when contrasting them with others. People often feel “off” when they sense they’re unlike others. They become jealous or insecure and that’s honestly the most unfortunate thing I’ve ever observed. I love people. But that’s not the point. I want people to see what I see. I want them to see themselves with great appreciation, celebrating their uniqueness the way others probably already do. And until then, I’ll just point it out and love it in people until they can see it themselves. I really have no choice about that. Authenticity and uniqueness are so invigorating to me that I have to stop what I’m doing many times during the day because I’m awestruck by the piece of art every person in my life is.
  12. Not all of them. I feel stiff as a board on 2CB
  13. The moment you realise one more time how backwards our society is structured... Donuts -> Sick people -> Viruses -> Vaccinations -> Donuts -> Sick people...
  14. So many great responses on this thread Makes me really happy that this forum exists. Love it!