Rainy Sparkle

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  1. Nothing important to write, so I'll just drop update on meditations here. Total time meditated this year: 25h47min
  2. I've struggled with resistance today and I haven't had a smooth flow doing stuff, but anyway, so far I've done some minor household chores and gone through part of my Pokemon Go inventory. Will continue both through the day & I'll go for a walk at some point. Currently planning to walk at least 15 minutes, but if I'm feeling okay, I might walk longer. (I was recently sick so my physical well being might have not fully recovered yet)
  3. I'm still feeling anxious. It's not extremely severe, but that feeling being constantly present makes me feel like I'm suffocating. My mind feels clouded and foggy, thoughts are not flowing. There's too much I need to remember all the time. It creates stress and overload. Easy answer to this is to just use calendar. I've been asked several times why I don't use one. But it's not like I've never tried it. I try it from time to time. It doesn't help anything if I don't end up a) writing everything in the calendar b)remember to look at it. Sometimes it frustrates me how these kind of simple things are so huge obstacles. I mean, it sounds so simple. It sounds so simple that it's hard to even understand how it can be any kind of problem in a first place. But it sure doesn't feel that simple and easy. I feel like I'm a jar full of marbles. There's no space for new marbles, but they keep coming. And every time, something drops and rolls somewhere out of the jar, out of reach. My mind is stuck in a traffic jam.
  4. I've been feeling anxious and miserable since yesterday evening. Some of my self-judgmental emotions & thoughts got to the surface with memories of some situations where I've felt the same way. I felt like I'm terrible person who can't take into account others. I felt awful and guilty of not being able to show respect, thankfulness and excitement for others. "I'm self-centered piece of s*it, I don't deserve anything good from others, because I'm not able to give anything good to others myself. It is not right to need, expect or want to be treated in a good way, because I'm such a failure as a human myself. Why am I the same I don't want others to be?" I was talking about this to my boyfriend. I just needed to. I was afraid. I was doing some work before to get my emotions back to surface, but I was terrified. I felt like losing control, I wasn't able to stop my voice cracking, I wasn't able to stop tears flowing from my eyes. I was ashamed. But I told what I feel, what thoughts I had. And nothing bad happened. He wasn't mad at me. He didn't shout at me. He didn't say I shouldn't feel the way I feel. He didn't try to "fix" my emotion to something "better". He just hugged me, and I felt accepted. I felt accepted and loved the way I am. I didn't even realize it before writing it now. But today, the shadow of anxiety has lingered on me. I've been short-tempered and got frustrated easily. I tried reading one book I have from library, but it is written in a weird way and I had trouble understanding the connection of the words. I got angry at the book. I THOUGHT THAT YOU WILL HAVE SOME QUESTIONS TO CONTEMPLATE BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. I felt like I want to meditate, but at the same time I felt like I'm in the state of mind where I'll get frustrated and angry about it too. I need to calm down and listen to myself - blablablablaaa yeah right, as if. But I took my headphones, went sitting on sofa, put on some instrumental metal, closed my eyes and just listened to it. I was sinking into thoughts a lot, but what's interesting is that they were somehow new. They were related to things I feel when I'm alone/around people and how I feel about myself in those situations. One song was more than just something in background. Mental images filled my head and I felt the music, instead of just hearing it. It was chaotic and destructive, but at the same time "evilly satisfying". I was dancing in chaos in my mind. For some reason, I started to think about "1 minute." The potential of one minute. The urge to test what I could do in 1 minute got so strong that I was distracted from my meditation back to this reality. I felt anxious, but I took my "put my life together"-note book and set timer to 1 minute and started testing. After a while I wanted to look back and flip through the note book. I felt sad about it. Maybe disappointed too. I realized it's been almost a year now, when I got this strong inspiration to actually put effort to fix my problems for good. The first page said "DONE, not perfect". I read it somewhere and thought I want to put it in the first page to remind myself that this notebook is not meant to be tool to satisfy/dissatisfy my perfectionism, good hand writing or order isn't the priority of focus. It was also supposed to be a reminder to my general life attitude. Nothing is ever good enough, I am never good enough, there's problems and something to fix everywhere. I exhaust myself with this mindset. The next pages had mind maps, daily hour wheels, morning/night routine planning and reflection about it. I could remember how excited, inspired and determined I was at that time. I was in a snowball effect and things were getting better. But that didn't last. Now I don't feel like anything's changed. It's all the same. I chase for a fix to the same problems, answers to the same questions that I've been looking for all my life, since I was a kid. I don't know which one makes me feel more sad, that kid being already so lost, or me being still that lost kid. I'm so busy chasing the answers to how to live a life that I actually forget to live it. I'm so obsessed to problems and issues and finding solutions that I don't see good things that already exist. It's not that nothing ever changes, it is not that 'I' never change, it is my attitude towards experience in general that doesn't change. I need to feel this or that to live a happy life. The happy life is always something that's not possible now because it needs something that I don't currently have in my life, because I'm not happy now. That statement is true for me in my current experience (representing my current feelings & beliefs of my reality), but it doesn't actually make sense. Why am I even trying to be happy, if according to that statement I won't ever be able to be happy anyway? I believe that I am able to be happy. These thoughts need some work, there's an issue. And here I am again, finding problems. *** Total time meditated this year: 23h58min Books read/listened this year: 4
  5. I don't know. I feel like I have nothing important/meaningful to write. I feel somehow stuck. So I'll just write without any goal and probably without common thread to see if it helps. There's been a lot of anxiety lately. I don't know if it's because there's been so much going on and is because of the stress or if it's something else. At the same time I got more energetic while it's been sunny and warm. Odd combination once again. Last week was hard to my cognition/memory. I completely forgot stuff and meetings and it created even more stress. And self-disappointment. There's been more "social confusion" lately. Not sure if it's because there's been more and more variating social interaction lately or because of my social insecurities coming more on surface. I've had hard times understanding or expressing joking that's not obvious and sarcasm. It feels like I've been completely blind to some hidden "I don't say this seriously, I don't literally mean what I say" cues and started talking seriously about the topic. Or then I've recognized that I got some odd feeling about something and start to think that "ohhh, maybe this is the case where they're not being serious", try to continue the topic joking as well only to find out that this person wasn't joking this time. Or when there's insults that are just jokes and I try to involve myself in it, I end up sounding weird even though everyone else was laughing to similar things seconds before. It feels like I kill the fun only by existing somewhere. I've also heard that I sometimes come off as rude or abrupt when I try to express myself being thankful or when I feel like soft and warm in my head. Also I've been in situations where my excitement is read as being angry. It feels so odd that my emotions are so strong, but somehow I seem to lack skill to express the "positive realm" inside myself completely around people. It's almost like my "social face" only has "no emotion" and "negative emotion" modes. I don't know why I'm so afraid of letting go of holding back my goofiness, excitement, joy, happiness etc. When people meet me first time, they get completely wrong image of me. That I'm quiet, serious, down to earth, mean, have minimal to zero inner life, stable, calm etc. It's not only that my image of myself is different, it's also that people have pointed out that I am completely different than the first impression they got from me. But at the same time, so many random people often engages in conversation with me. Not like daily basis, but it's not uncommon. I'm on my guard all the time. I'm constantly scanning my environment. I'm sensitive and I get hurt easily. People have mocked me about that. People have used that against me. I feel vulnerable. I don't trust people to not hurt me one way or another. That's unfair preconception. I'm starting to feel like thinking about this right now is waste of time. I mean, yes writing about this helps to see more clearly what thoughts I currently have in my mind, but I'm not going anywhere with this. I know that these kind of thoughts exist and I feel like I'm just repeating the script of mind that I've read thousands of times, not really contemplating or seeing what's going on. Not understanding the meaning of these thoughts. And I don't know if it's true or if it's just me being so demanding to myself. The feeling of not being good enough. *** Total time meditated this year: 23h18min Books read/listened this year: 4
  6. I wouldn't suggest acting extremely angrily. People are different. That might "calm me down" externally, because I shut down. I will be scared. I will be afraid of you. I will feel you don't love me and want to abandon me. Also "showing me logically how I am wrong" does the same thing. I don't understand logical arguments at that point. As you said, I'm acting directly from pure emotional state. Trying to argument why I (=my emotions) am wrong feels invalidating. I'm able to talk about it from less black & white perspective afterwards. It is unfair for the other person, but that kind of behavior might lead to more problems in a bigger picture. Either way, communication is really important.
  7. I want to stay in contact between meetings. If I'm interested in you, I want to spend as much time as possible interacting with you. I want to have a mutual life with my partner, not just two separate lives side by side. The texting can be overlooked in relationship, if the intensity needs are otherwise met. But if I'm just getting to know someone (especially online), trying to convince me into meeting without zero interest in texting me first can look like a trap to me. First of all, you don't seem to be interested in as intense relationship as I am because you just want to set a date instead of actually starting to getting to know me meanwhile we're setting a date and waiting that to happen. Or then it can look like you're only after sex, because there's such a rush to just see live AND there's no interest in texting. But it's also a way to try to stay safe. Bad experiences. It's not failproof method though. I can't talk for other girls, but this is how I see it.
  8. Maybe I made poor wording choice there or something, but I agree with what you're saying.
  9. I feel like I might have some subconscious judgements about people/things. My emotions aren't aligned with my thoughts. I've always felt that I'm not understood so I developed the want to be the one that understands. But there's so much that I don't understand. It frustrates me. I try bypass what I'm feeling about something to see something from another angle or to understand something I find hard to relate. But I don't realize that I'm still having my emotions coming through. I'm trying to think in a way I don't find true in an emotional level. That creates contradiction, which is exhausting, annoying and confusing. I consume online conversations I already know I disagree. I feel already triggered when I start reading them. It doesn't matter what I'll be telling myself at that point, because my emotions have already decided how I feel about it and what is my 'inner true opinion' about it. What is really happening is me giving fuel & justice to some buried anger, not opening myself up to new opportunities to understand more.
  10. I have difficulties relaxing my body (& mind) on command. Progressive muscle relaxation helps.
  11. INFP. At least it tells something about my beliefs/ideals about myself. Interesting tool to do introspection. Wouldn't rely too much on it though.
  12. I had really strong experience when this song played while I was meditating. I felt so strong and pure love I had never experienced before. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it was like "unconditional mother's love", but it fulfilled all of my being. I was receiving it, I was giving it, I was being it.
  13. I still haven't found psychotherapist. No one has free times on their calendars and won't have in a long time. I get it, the situation with psychotherapy is not good, but it still feels bad. And there's this one side in me who feels neglected. "They just don't want to take me." But I'm getting to see a doctor about my throat issues. I'm nervous. I'm afraid. I feel like I've gone in circles with my contemplations. So yesterday I decided to do something different. I have a deck of tarot cards. The idea is to draw a card and then journal about the thoughts and feelings there is about the card. Five of wands (reversed) The picture of the card has people who seem to fight with sticks. There's growing leaves from the sticks and every person has different color clothing. Those people are standing on a grass that looks like it's trodden. At the background is "emptiness", only a blue sky. It makes me think new ideas (growing leaves), different and differing thoughts and opinions and a conflict. Trodden grass tells about wearing, history, this isn't the first time to be here. The emptiness of the background could tell about focus being on the fight or not being connected with surroundings. Fighting people can symbolize fights/arguments with other people or inner conflicts. Or maybe the mentality of "Stand up, fight for it, act now". --> Reversed card could symbolize the fear of conflict, passivity, mentality of giving up, self-efficacy is missing. Reading of the book: "You are probably trying to avoid conflicts. It might be result of focusing on tasks and goals, but can also lead to worries and anxiety. Be careful of possible misunderstandings." Thoughts Actually I'm not currently that focused on tasks and goals. I was excited about it earlier this year, but I haven't been able to get that experience back to surface now. On the other hand my goal is to find a psychotherapist. Indeed, it takes a lot of space in mind and creates worries and anxiety. I was thinking earlier today how it feels like the reality is missing something. "The spark", but I can't quite put my finger on it. Meaning. But maybe it's the lack of goals. It feels like things are more meaningful when there's some reason why you're doing it. Otherwise things feel like waste of time, I'm not going forward, I'm not helping the progress of anything, even though at the same time I want to be as free and independent/uncommitted as possible in my actions. The flame of motivation is lit inside of me, but somehow it's super weak. I'm fallen to the ground, but my legs are too weak to get up, so I just lie here watching landscapes. The same landscapes are getting boring. Reflecting: My first thoughts about this were like "BOOOORING". I don't want to reflect about this any deeper, this is not interesting, this is not new, this isn't mystic or exceptional. But these things were the things that came up and are related to what I'm experiencing, thinking and feeling currently, so I'll be open minded about this. What thoughts do you have about a fight? Anxiety, fear. I don't win fights. My opinion isn't meaningful. I submit externally, but the storm stays internally. I'm not being heard and understood. I'm alone, there's no one on my side, everyone is against me. I'm vulnerable. I'm not feeling safe. I want to escape. Defenseless. Anger. You won't hurt me. What thoughts do you have about growing leaves? The beginning of new. Birth. Life. Hope. Trodden grass? Not valuing life, same old patterns repeat. Same paths. Routines, tradition. Emptiness? Meaningless. Emotional abyss, mental black hole. Dementor. New ideas? Fascinating. Sometimes too much of them, can't focus on all of them. Still never enough. Desire to find something groundbreaking. I'm not looking for a short cut that would allow me to avoid the work, but I need guidance. This tarot-thing just suddenly came to my mind. It wasn't 100% new idea, I've been thinking something similar before. But this is a great idea. Even though I now need to push myself to invent questions and I feel like I'm bad in this. But in generally this opens a window into my mind and helps me to look what's in there. Of course I can look for solutions at the same time, but maybe the first priority now would be to just look, to observe. Different/differing thoughts and opinions? Fascinates, but they're also a threat. I want to understand. Sometimes maybe change, but mostly understand. Why a threat? It makes me feel like I'm not understood. Not the fear of being wrong itself, but the fear of being wrong without me realizing it. That I'm blind to my own stupidity. In that case there's no chance to grow. Why the desire to grow? I want to see and understand the reality and myself more clearly, but as holistic as possible, deeply. Now I feel like I'm playing a game that has a complex and long rulebook, but I haven't even seen the book. Everything feels difficult, the information is hard to find. Disconnection? I can't put my finger on it, but I don't feel connected. It feels like I was walking in a real-like dream, but something significant is missing. I'm not right or in a right place. I'm nut fully connected in myself or anything else. I'm in my thoughts, but not fully in there either. I have the other foot in my mind, in thoughts and the other foot in reality. I'm not fully anywhere, I'm not fully anything. It feels like I'm not genuinely myself, but in a way I don't even know what would it mean to be myself. I've lost the touch to my personality. I've been trying not to be me so long. At the same time I need grounding to the surroundings and deeper connection to myself. Inner conflicts? At some point I was thinking/came to the conclusion that several things that are seen as contradicting, necessarily aren't. For example, sadness and joy are seen as opposites. Why? It doesn't make sense to me anymore. It sounds like saying lasagna is opposite to the rice. It's just different. "Stand up, fight for it, act now" Empowering sentence/state of mind that I haven't been experiencing in a while. When others are saying it, it feels like underrating, because I lack the self-efficacy. What makes you experience the lack of self-efficacy? Sometimes it feels like everything. It feels like it's reflecting itself into everything and from everything, keeping itself alive. I.e. "I can't clean up/keep my home tidy" --> The home is not tidy --> It looks like I can't keep my home tidy --> It verifies that I'm not able to do it. Spotting and changing these kind of thoughts is difficult. How can I believe a a different claim, if my actions and environment speaks otherwise and how do I change my actions if I don't believe I can do it? This is an important question. Small things that are still challenging enough But how do I find such things? My thought seems to be really black & white in this context. OBSERVE YOUR ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS (I don't believe that I stay on surface on my own without assist. That's why I cling on to everything so hard and put all of my hope to it. And if/when that is taken away, it feels like all hope is gone and I feel like sinking again, drifting without direction and aim, in place without any change) Fighting pt. 2 --> If you won fights, what would it feel like? Why? What would it tell you about yourself? My fights or "fights" are typically related to something I experience, feel or think. If I sometimes won, I'd feel understood, heard, that my opinions and feelings matter. That I matter. That also I have the right to feel good and I wouldn't always need to change myself so others wouldn't feel so uncomfortable. That I don't have to hide my feelings, because they're too much, over reacting or not logical to others. That anger would also be accepted feeling and it could be talked about without a fight. That it could be dealt with instead of trying to not let it come to surface. Somehow constructively. Without shouting. (!!!) When someone shouts, it's scary. But it's also oppressive. Now you shut up and listen. My voice is heard, not yours. My voice is important, not your feelings. Shouting says that I'm not listening and I don't want to listen or understand. That is what it feels like. * "Winning" would feel like I'm worthy. *** * New insight to possible reasons why I freeze in situations where someone shouts. I've tried to find answers to that question so freaking long. Now I even didn't try to find the answer. It just came up. And now it seems so obvious. I'm impressed. *** Total time meditated this year: 22h + something
  14. I don't really know. I've been saying that I'm a night person, because I struggle with waking up and going to bed early. But I really enjoy waking up super early, if I have been sleeping okay. Like 3-5 am early. There's plenty of time to wake up in peace at my own pace. I can be slow, but productive at the same time. But that being said, I enjoy late nights too and being awake late is generally easier, that's why I easily mess up my sleep schedule. Maybe I'm just a small hours person who takes long to wake up and shut down. Hard times fitting in the hectic society.
  15. Some things make me feel angry at the world. I'm stuck in a mental state where the world/reality is against me and it feels unfair. I see things black and white: Nothing goes right, nothing goes the way I want. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I want this and I want that. Not getting what I want feels like a punishment. I'm irritated and tearful, but not feeling overall as depressed as last week. My throat is sore, that is also annoying. I'm tired of being sick all the time. Regardless of what I feel, this might be a good day.