Rainy Sparkle

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  1. I feel like there should be some kind of clear direction where I’m going with this journal or with this post but there’s not. I don’t even know what’s the best way to make a starting point. There’s so much going on within my mind and I feel like I lack the ability to filter out what’s important to focus on. Oftentimes it feels like I’m randomly jumping to a different pages of catalogue. Back and forth. Oh hey, it’s the same page again for the fifteenth time. I’m losing track. If it even ever was there. I’m nervous and anxious. Am I going to do this right? Is there right way to do this? Is it useful at all if I just bathe in my thoughts mindlessly without clear intention of why I’m doing it? Maybe I’ll find it out later. I don’t think that should be stopping me from starting to write down my thoughts and journey. Writing a public journal wasn’t a big deal for me when I was younger. I used to have a blog where I wrote about my thoughts, feelings, and mental health problems. I wrote about those things using beautiful, figurative words and language. Even today, I don’t feel like it was because I wanted to romanticize shit. I did that in my personal diary, too. Well, of course that might be a defensive thought and I was in fact doing exactly that. However, for now, I feel like it was my tool to deal with those things. Gate and a pathway to put my inner world into words. But then, some people relatively close to me found out about my blog. I don’t remember how I found out that they actually were guys I knew. They anonymously commented mean things to my writings. I tried not to care about it, but I felt bad. Their intention was to hurt me, and they thought it was fun. I’ve later heard that it started from a stupid idea and that those guys were bitter for me. Whatever the cause, I ended up stopping writing publicly at some point. I’m scared of it. I’m afraid of all the possible judgements I might get. That I’m stupid, making stuff up, seeking for attention and whatever. I’ve been accused of lying because I’m too open about stuff. I’m afraid of that I’m still going towards closing myself in even more. That doesn’t feel right to me. So maybe that's one of the reasons I'm doing this. Sometimes I feel like people are toxic spikes. Why it seems so that people are so mean to each other and get mad about whatever reason someone else does or is. There’s massive amount of hate going on towards everyone and everything. That makes me feel all kind of things. It makes me insecure, defensive, mad, angry at myself (because I’m having negative thoughts towards other people), sad. I wish I could heal all these people. I feel like everyone has so much pain and wounds inside. And I feel like so many don’t even admit it to themselves. Why am I seeing suffering everywhere? Is it really there, or is it only my own toxic perception about the world and people? Am I only reflecting my own suffering? I’m aware that my thought process goes a lot with how I “feel like”. I feel like I’m addicted to my feelings. There it is again. Lol. If I try to wear out my habit of looking everything via emotions, I feel like (Really now??) nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel attacked when someone points that out. I’m defensive about my feelings, whatever they are. I admit that I’m identifying too much with my feelings, even when it’s not beneficial to me at all. But what else there is to identify myself with? Someone would probably say that you shouldn’t identify with anything. But why there is this intense craving and longing to be able to identify as being something or someone? I feel like a void. I feel like I’m an empty and infinite void. I feel like I am, but I don’t know who or what I am. There’s always been this lack of bright sense of identity. Even though I have this weird sense of self, and all these things I attach vaguely to it, it still feels similar to any other feeling at the end of the day. It feels like all there is in my reality is just an infinite loop of feelings and if those feelings are taken away, there’s nothing else left. Literally, not figuratively. Not even me, because that’s a feeling too.
  2. Your Super Serious Title is: The Rainbow Goddess Empath Your Total Score: 59 out of 80 Your Out of Control Healer Score: 4 out of 10 Your Protection Tools Score: 20 out of 25 How Much You Mirror Others Unconsciously Score: 12 out of 15 Your Appreciation for Nature Score: 8 out of 10 You scored pretty high on the overall results. It is highly likely that you are an empath. You can get by socially, although it sounds like your intuitive social skills could be better. You may want to look into getting energy work and healing done on your second chakra. Usually people that prefer to be around water have blocks in their second chakras. You love nature and unconsciously understand its healing effects -- which is a general, but strong indicator that you are an empath. Your appreciation for nature is lacking. You would benefit from meditating in the forest. But you seem fairly normal -- able to influence people at times. You need to learn how to recognize and differentiate other people's energy from yours. Learning psychic/empathic meditation tools will help. You scored fairly poor on the "Mirroring Others Unconsciously" portion of the quiz. It looks like you have a tendency to mirror other people and their energy. Your score indicates that you would benefit from learning to run energy, ground yourself, and protect your aura. You scored pretty low on the "Has Protection Tools" section of the quiz. This means that you need to learn how to protect your aura. You also might benefit from cord-removal and other energy work. And in terms of being a healer, you more or less are good at keeping other peoples troubles out of your life.
  3. My score for primary psychopathy was 1.6, but surprisingly the secondary was 3.4 and that's higher than 83.97% of people who have taken the test. That makes me wonder. I'm curious which of my answers might have led to that score and why. I don't break rules to succeed but was it the question where I agreed taking care of myself as one of my priorities? Something else? I don't know. These scores themselves might not really give any insights, considering that it's just a random online test, but if the score is really calculated from answers, they could be good indicator to think and realize what kind of motivations there are behind actions.
  4. I have never experienced it like you described you did. However, I have experienced "shifts of reality" so to speak. Nothing really changes but still everything feels different, 'off' and strange. Sometimes I've had experiences where I feel like I'm being at the edge of two (or more) dimensions. I've also had short OBE, but I didn't "go" anywhere else but the observation of the situation was odd. There was three points of view at the same time; laying body, floating body and some invisible not bodily "third person" point of view. What I mean is that I felt like I was able to see the situation from all of those point of views at the same time. These reality shifts are somehow occasional for me and their intensity varies at times. The out of body experience was probably caused because I was having sleep paralysis (and not realizing it). I tried to move and shout as hard I could, but nothing happened. No movement, no sound. And suddenly I just detached from body. It didn't last long, it felt like a flash. I got so scared of it that I "fell back" to the body and was waken from the sleep paralysis. I'm not sure if that was dream or not, but at least it felt extremely real. I apologize, if this is far off the experiences you were seeking. Anyway, you said that you were trying to sleep when this happened to you. I'm not trying to say that your experience was dream, but I think there is a stage between being awake and being asleep and you might have been in that stage and therefore more responsive to such experience to occur?