Lynnel

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  1. Thanks a lot ! I have an issue with understanding this. I feel like it comes down to " believe it's true and it's gonna be true" => but I cannot force myself to believe it's true if It never happened before. Like in the god paradox : You need to truly believe in god so he does a miracle, but you need a miracle to truly believe in god without any doubts. But I don't have the true faith that I deserve the very best and positive things and that only good things are gonna happen to me only, etc. I can't hold positives as true for whatever goddamn reason but negatives - I sure as hell can and it's extremely frustrating. Thanks for you help again, I'll learn carefuly from this.
  2. The trip itself I took 225 ug. of LSD (approx.) in the safety of my home. The issue was I made a very rookie mistake which is tripping while my mother was home, and hesitating before hand because it wasn't in the best set of conditions. Yeah I'm ashamed of making such a rookie mistake and feel tons of regret about it. That's a interesting lesson in itself I will need to dig. Despite my previous very first amazing trip I had shittons of anxiety after it for reasons I have to yet understand : but it has often been the case that I thought some authority figure (the psychedelic) would punish me for not obeying the rules or doing something bad. I decided to trip despite the anxiety I felt because I thought there would be no perfect conditions anyway and life is too short to wait and I mean I wanted to do it altough I hesitated. Well it was shitty. Very intense anxiety for several hours during which I tripped. I tried to surrender and it didn't work : the anxiety was way too intense and I basically spent like 2 hours in a intense state of distress trying to escape from it. It wouldn't go away no matter how much I accepted it - I mean I couldn't bring up any acceptance to accept it I just wanted it to go away - I mean I just couldn't hold enough space for it. At some point I got sick of it and decided to deal with the root cause of what I felt was the issue : the rebellion against authority and the psychelic being the "god" here upon which I felt like I projected some sort of devine punishement. So I said no sorry I don't deserve this and when into the root of my fear retionalizing it was a treshold guardian and that I needed to face it. So in a intuitive maner I imagined my father running after me with scissors to cut of my dick to punish me (OKAY this is far fetched but since the fear of castration was mentionned in therapy I decided to try and adress it) and either the scissors would break against my golden dick or I would push him back and put him back in his place. I noticed I was terribly afraid of facing the real world myself and not having an authority figure which would tell me how to do things "right" => like if you don't do psychedelics properly well you're gonna get punished ! And I was very sick of being afraid and having a shitty experience because I couldn' t understand why it was happening and what I was afraid of exactly ? And I considered myself perfectly RIGHT by my own standards to do and experiment with psychedelics and choose my own life choices. But I guess I was very scared of taking responsibility for my life and not following the "status quo" options which have a LOT of comfort tied to them. So I decided to face all those fears and decided I had the right to be a grown man and not a kid hiding behind it's father shadow and deciding for myself how to live my life and cutting away mentally my parents which was so fucking scary like you're can't imagine. And I saw literaly the path my parents wanted for me and then me going on my own direction like fuck you guys I'm completely free. I thought about it in terms of a coming to age ritual like I'm a fucking adult now and I need to get my shit together even more. Still, anxiety persisted after that (but it was WAY less intense) and I was stuck making salad with my mom while on LSD (not fun guys - learn from my mistakes). On another note, I don't feel like I was in ego-death teritory either. Either way the questions I have : 1) How do you handle things you cannot surrender to ? That are so overwhelming you just want them to stop ? 2) How do I know the difference between me disrespecting the substance vs. me dealing with my own projections ? I thought the psychedelic is quote on quote "neutral" and just shines the light on stuff I need to process insight myself. 3) Should I had surrendered more or was I "right" to go deeper into it and "fight" it ? 4) I fear like I've maybe done more damage than good by facing this in this manner - altought I'm not sure. I feel like I wanna take a psychedelics again to make it right but also feel like I should abstain for more than 1 month, at least 4 or 5 until I've integrated everything and handled my basics regarding to fear and anxiety and diverse things such as living situation. Any tips and recommendations would be highly appreciated <3
  3. @Pilgrim I feel (which is my subjective opinion) that you have some judgements on sex and you're trying to make it more "holy" to some extent Just enjoy your sexuality and do your hardcore spiritual practices on the side. It's completely fine to fuck like a wild animal. You don't have to morph that in a spiritual experience.
  4. Are you a therapist ? Why are you diagnosis the shit out of this guy ? He doesn't wanna be with me (assumption) so also it means that *long series of assumptions* such as he's been hurt before, etc. (+1 for @Lister) First of all you need to keep all of your assumptions/overlays in check and talk this trough with him, because you have no idea what's happening in reality. You cannot just assume things and act as if it were reality. Also, here is what is wrong with him + how do I fix him ? is not a great start for a relationship. Why would you wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with you ? Now that's a great question ! But before that why are you assuming he doesn't wanna be with you ? And even before that why are you so eager to get into a relationship ? I love how everyone (including @Emerald) is quoting commitment issues but how the hell are you gonna know if you wanna commit to something in only 3 months ? There is so much to discover about a person and whether you are truly compatible or not that there can be quite a lengthy time requirement before comitting to someone. Because a relationship requires a lot of work high quality people will not settle easily. Also, on a higher level of development you should be able to communicate extremely well and get to know each other quite fast. So this can obviously cut a lot of time but I digress. Obsiously on a more pragmatic stage orange level there isn't enough value for him to commiting to this relationship if he doesn't do it. But that's also an assumption which might as well be completely false. You need to talk this trough with him. Like in a very brutal/honest way of " look if we were in a relationship and I wouldn't give you enough value I wouldn't want to be with you anyway,etc. " The issue though is that you would want to be with him anyway because of your history with neediness etc. The way it works is that you need to be completely OKAY with never ever having a boyfriend on a emotional level. You need to solve the deeper underlying issue. Long digression : There is a great check for this, but I'm gonna be a bit biased because I'm male. One of the worst things you could do is use sex as a form of manipulation - aka if you make the decision to sleep with a guy based on the possibility of a relationship. If a girl does this it indicates several things : 1) She doesn't enjoy the experience with me for the sake of it but has an agenda 2) She is desperate enough to manipulate someone to be in a relationship with her => why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want it ? 3) If she's so desperate to get into a relationship why is that ? You start thinking, why does she have so little options ? Is there something wrong with her ? Why is she not able to find a partner ? Then obviously you're not even sure if she wants to be with your for the experience of you or because she has no other options and lots of wounds/neediness. Yep, dating is a bit fucked. Honestly @Pilgrim amazing girls are so rare. Don't settle for less than you deserve. Become amazing and you're never ever gonna lack options. If you develop charm, charisma and deep feminine energy you're golden. Best wishes.
  5. @Mikael89 Oh for the love of god. You've been volontarily single your whole life. Not involuntarily but because of your own very will. This attitude is simply proposterous. For instance, you need to create a bussiness to generate enough money to buy an island. Obviously, you're not going to have a island being given to you just like that. But if you feel entitled to it you will feel like the world owes you an island - as compensation, maybe, because you've been hurt in the past, and now you feel entitled to whatever will make you feel good. Obviously this is so unfair, and you're not gonna do any work to start a bussiness and earn any money, that you're not gonna do anything. But really, you're gonna do one thing : you're gonna go bitch on a forum how " Unvoluntarily ISLAND-DEPRIVED you are". Sounds proposterous, doesn't it ? Do you really wanna keep doing it ? The world owes you nothing. Reality is brutal because bad things happen to you and it's your responsibility to deal with them. Like you have all this trauma and BS which happened not because of you but it's still your job to deal with it. Because no one else will. No one is coming to save you. Pity and being a victim is not gonna save you either. Believing in neurotic "fairness" is a looser's mindset which you need to eliminate. You don't have a choice really : either you're gonna step it up, learn game, fix yourself, or stay miserable your whole entire life. Get off this forum and go fight for a better life.
  6. What, you're getting so deep on such a little dose ? I'm assuming you've had previous experiences with 5-meo or something ? Or 10 years of intense yoga ? x)
  7. 60 trips on LSD back to back considering a 2 week delay for tolerance/integration is gonna take 2 full years. Okay. But how are you gonna integrate them so fast ? Yes obviously tripping a lot can yield amazing results but it doesn't mean bulldozing yourself with LSD on a regular basis is gonna do it Am I missing something ?
  8. @GroovyGuru Shrooms can loose a lot of potency if dried improperly. The amount of insights you get is proportionnal to your introspection ability you already have in place. You become more comfortable with every experience. Having a trip sitter helps tremendously to reduce stress/anxiety. You usually are quite bad at controlling your "state" until you achieve higher insight levels anyway so...just be in a good mood before hand. Mushrooms for instance just throw your subconscious out there - it depends on the amount of "stuff" you got going on. The more your work on yourself the cleaner and deeper your trips will be. Pro-tip : if you're doing acid maybe don't release ALL of your trauma at once - it's a pain to integrate afterwards x)
  9. Didn't you state somewhere that long-term psychedelic use was dangerous ? 60 trips seem like a crazy lot.
  10. @phoenix666 On a more practical note, could you mention the substance & dosage ? So happy for you I still have so much to discover ! Thank you for sharing this with yourself I guess ahah !
  11. Get ready. This one is HUGE. *YES I'm excited* Background : Set & Setting : at home with a tripsitter Dose : 150 ug of liquid LSD (approx) The Trip itself The first thing I noticed the purity and the quality of consciousness you would get on LSD. Mushrooms are way more chaotic and saturated and altough it feels like there is this primal thing which mushrooms well LSD feels more pure like clean white energy compared to mushroom yellow one. LSD felt to me like a true friend and therapist. It would wait for me to go somewhere and then help me trough it. You have way more control for where you wanna go, it's absolutely not chaotic at all. It's like a surgeon in your spirit. And you're way more free in how you wanna explore your own mind. Imagination on LSD feels extremely real and it allows to actually work out things as if in real life. At least for me. Which is fucking amazing. But here it goes...the first anecdotal part...skip over it if you don't wanna read about golden dicks for 20 minutes. It's just my ego issues, the absolute love thing is more interesting for some of you ahha. My golden dick At some point everything got extremely sexual. Like the LSD got deep into my issues and well the LSD became aphrodite and told me that she would be whatever I would want her to be - because that's what true love meant - she would just be there for me. She made me realize true acceptance : for whatever reason I wanted a my dick to be sucked by lots of girls, and so I was tripping about having a GOLDEN shining dick which would attract anyone, like being the number one ! I would realize how I would judge myself for my own egoic fantasies and the LSD (aphrodite) would be perfectly fine with it. I would wanna feel special, whatever, every single desire is completely and totaly valid. No questions asked. I went on to imagine having my dick sucked by hundreds of women and asking myself why I would want it. good lord. Absolute Acceptance... At some point of the experience I was made to accept anything - I experience a profound state of non resistance - so proufound it was magical. Anything I could think of I would completely accept it. There was NOTHING I could not accept - there was an ABSOLUTE OKAY on everything like in the absolute sense - no resistance - simply a state of ultimate acceptance. I would on purpose think about things I would find unacceptable and then I would feel myself accepting them. My girlfriend sleeping with another guy ? Sure. This ? sure. That ? Sure. Children dying? Sure. Every single drop of resistance in my being was dissolved and there was just okayness. At some point EVERY SINGLE CELL of my being FULLY accepted every single other cell of my being ! FULLY. I was completely okay with myself at this moment and it could not be any other way ! It was freaking absolute ! I have touched only the surfoce of this absolute acceptance but even this drop was enough to dissipate anything. Nothing could be resisted - resisting was found to be like obsolete. Like You know criticizm is untenable ? resistance is untenable too now. I touched some form of unconditionnal acceptance. The pure love aphrodite was giving me by simply being there for me and myself in a absolute non judgmental state and dissolving all of my resistance. And Absolute love. I was engulfed in absolute love. I understood what unconditionnal and absolute love is. I could just not love EVERYTHING. There is nothing I could not resist and not love - I simply accepted and loved everything. This love dissolved all my hatred. I was thinking about every episode of being hurt, betrayed, broken up with, all the pain, all the suffering, everything was forgiven immediately. Hatred no sense. It was purified with absolute love. Holding grudges was untenable. It was like proposterous. You have to "kill" your ennemies with love. Everything made sense. I felt so much unacceptance from different perspectives such as green vegans, etc. ABSOLUTE love is the answer. It's simply something you wanna share like love dissolves everything. Every single grudge was dissolved and immediately forgiven. It made no sense to hate. Only love could be felt. All the rest Then, I realized that everything which does not happen now is your imagination - only the present moment exists. And I realized how looking at this screen and "living" in the internet was just pure fucking imagination and a simple waste of time. Guys life is short. Go fucking live it. This forum to some extent does you a great disservice by existing - like mental abstract stuff does nothing for you. Endless discussion do nothing for you. You need to live the work in real fucking life. You have no idea how amazing your life can get if you do the work. I feel truly blessed for having had actualized in my life and discovering psychedelics. This is such a tremendous paradigm shift and this is just ONE LSD session. I also finally went from coping to thriving. I accepted myself so fully in such a full way with this absolute love and acceptance which I realized was something I needed from a women and having live trough that now I would never nourish myself with a women's approval ever - because I've tasted a drop of absolute love and absolute acceptance. At some point I was telling the LSD to release all the trauma from my nervous system in a fucking concerto and it did with simply such a high awareness and deep acceptance I could feel the cleansing fire of awareness acting on my nervous system. I would end up shaking and almost having a panick attack 3 hours after the comedown with everything that was liberated. At some point, I had done so much work and dug down deeply into so many different issues and cut them open for integration that I was like well there is nothing else to do now, I've done everything. I have no more problems I still didn't dig out some deep held beliefs about me and even though this was a extremely profound experience I'll need to see how this integrates in my daily life. At some point, while I was going into my whole let's fuck thing mode, the dark energy of my psyche materialized in from of me and I started fucking it from behind. And it looked at me like : - Really ? Me : Yes. I am fucking you. Deal with it. (Funniest experience of my life so far) Truly it's so amazing I don't know where to start : it's like going from a country where you're always fighting for bread to a country where you get some for free and you're still stuck on getting bread. Like a huge paradigm change where I have to be okay with just sharing love and positivity in the world, offering more of myself and my truest expression that just going about solving my own shit. And this is only the begining of my real journey. It's only one LSD trip. I haven't tried even stronger psychedelics yet. I also realized I needed a way deeper foundation and there was still a LOT of work to be done in terms of accomplishing things in the real world. I'd like to thank @Leo Gura because I can now begin to appreciate the depth of the work you've done. And how much there is still to do. I wish to illustrate how much growth is possible and how much you can do for yourself and the world. I urge you to take your personnal development very seriously and to make your life amazing. I feel truly blessed having had the opportunity to experience all of this and I wish to encourage everyone to do the best they can to make this world better. I legend was born today. I feel like I can finally blossom. I went from a "is life even worth living" to a "this is so amazing I can't even believe it". It took hard work, tears, sweat, intense suffering, but I feel like I've made it to another stage of my life. Peace & Love <3 Oh and It should be ILLEGAL to make LSD illegal.
  12. What gave the best results in your experience ?
  13. I've been thinking about experimenting with LSD lately since the great success I got from shrooms. While those are amazing they don't help me much with the whole creativity aspect at least not in a very direct way. How would one go to enhance creativity while on LSD ? Should I : 1) Microdose LSD while working. (between 6-20 ug with or without cycling ?) 2) Take a low dose (50-100 ug) and work on my creative projects while on it ? 3) Having a full blown trip 150ug-200ug and then integrate the "creative" insights I get afted - if I get any ? Any tips appreciated.
  14. Ignore my advice all together then for your own sake. It's just gonna damage you pointlessly and you will lack experience to understand all the nuances either way. I mean you haven't even finished puberty yet ! You're honestly doing amazing even knowing about personnal development at 15. Go live your life and come back to this mental masturbatorium in 5-10 years Yeah don't overthink much and develop a skill you can farm up long term. In then years, at 25, you could have your life purpose on track by then. It's like one of the best things you can do at your stage. Spirituality ? Complex conscioussness ? MEH. Like really, master one domain of life with deliberate practice, go play dota 2 in the evening instead of mentally masturbating about consciousness on the forums and you'll be good ahah. Enjoy your life dude !
  15. Yes, I'm not saying to become a rampant douche and go destroy people's lives. What is commonly called "manipulation" is totaly "normal" such as in "you" trying to stay alive - and to a great extent everything you are doing is manipulation in a form or another to fulfill your needs. Manipulation is something very basic and commonplace. Manipulation being something extremely machiavellian when you destroy half of the world trying to get all the cash and all the girls and plot complexe scheme to outsmart all of your opponents mainly happens in movies. Calling manipulation "evil" is yet another blue thing because you have to be honest and hardworking, of course. Yes, being honest is actually great, being compassionate is extremely amazing. You get absolutely disgusted with anything which is also not benefiting others in the long run. But that has to come from an authentic place. Otherwise it will fly out of the window once you have a great opportunity to realize your egoic needs. In short : You can do pickup without manipulating such as in : avoid lying to girls to get laid faster and stupid shit like this / lacking integrity in general. You cannot avoid manipulation when interacting with other people and improving yourself (by motivating yourself to go out and becoming a better man). I mean self-development to some extent is you manipulating yourself to become better as a person so you can fulfill your needs (happiness, confidence, etc)