Wisebaxter

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About Wisebaxter

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  • Birthday 04/08/1980

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    Brighton, England, UK
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  1. Ok so I've tripped 6 times now, my highest dose being 300ug, and still haven't experienced ego death, at least in the way it's been described to me by others. I've felt a profound sense of connection with reality, experienced the fact that 'being' is all there is and felt an intense love for everything, a stronger love than I've ever felt in my life. It's been life changing in many ways and always blows me away. I've had really deep insights from a psychological point of view and also about the nature of existence, the fact that it's so playful, stuff like that. But I've still felt my ego present throughout. I have to admit I do find it a little hard to stay focused on existential inquiry, asking 'Who am I?' etc. I just start having insights about my life flowing out of me and get excited and distracted by those, along with music of course lol. Leo mentioned that doing inquiry whilst tripping is important, so perhaps next time I should really focus on that. I kind of assumed that ego death would just happen without it. At the beginning of a couple of the trips I started feeling a bit panicky, like I couldn't breath properly, and I felt incredibly tired, like I just wanted to sleep more than anything else in the world, but it was unpleasant and scary so I fought it. I felt like I might die if I fell asleep. Could this have been the beginning of something? Makes me think I still have too much fear in me. I do suffer from anxiety quite badly. I haven't really got my life situation sorted either. I have a few hang ups and neurosis that still dominate my conscousness quite a lot. Stage Orange stuff around needing success and recognition. I need to get the lower levels of Maslow's triangle sorted too, basic security stuff. My finances suck. So there's a lot that I still haven't let go of or got handled I suppose. So what do you guys think? More basic personal development needed? I have been a bit of a lightweight with my meditation, self inquiry, contemplation. Only meditated solidly every day for a few months and never for massive sessions. Around 30mins. I always get confused as to what type of meditation is best too, for enlightenment. Or just maybe just let go more during the trips? Leo mentioned the body load being heavy on LSD. I definately agree. I feel so physically blissful that this distracts me a bit. And those visuals...man, just seeing those feels mystical to me. So beautiful, like nothing I've ever seen. It's like God is putting on a show for me. Or I am, for myself. I have to admit it's felt pretty mystical at times but my damn ego just won't budge haha. Or maybe now's the type to switch over to mushrooms. I still haven't tried those. Or just go full steam ahead with some 5-MeO DMT.
  2. @Shakazulu Looks like an interesting read, thanks. Will be helpful If I ever get back out there again and start looking for a relationship. Does it tell you how to have simple, casual, relationships? Sexual of course I'm starting to wonder, from my experience, whether there's such a think as a simple, sexual relationship. Even the women I meet that say they want something casual end up wanting to 'build a connection' first. I don't see how you can have both.
  3. @Leo Gura Yeah I think it's the early goodbyes and the formalities of the separation that make it harder for me. So many lofty sentiments being expressed. 'I'll always love you, you know I will....we had good times didn't we?' The emotion is so raw. But when the dust settles, and the silence can be heard again...ahh, peace. Such peace. This feels like my natural state. I'm so excited at being able to Actualize properly now. Relationships are a massive distraction. I do have this fantasy in my mind about being with a really spiritual woman, both doing it together, having some kind of deeper connection, but I think even that would be a distraction. Do you think that if you want to go as deep as you can go with enlightenment, that a serious relationship will always be an impediment?
  4. @kieranperez Thanks dude, all great advice. I can tell you've been there yourself as you describe the feeling perfectly. I'm gonna be referring back to what you wrote in the future I'm sure. I've allowed the tears to come, like you say and I've been enjoying and appreciating some of those old break up tunes. Thanks for offering your support and encouragement. I feel like I'm getting better slowly. The pain of the separation is starting to subside a bit. It still feels surreal though. One minute you have company all the time (I lived with her) and the next minute you're on your own. I think this suits me more though. I love having all my time to myself. I forgot what that feels like.
  5. @Charlotte Yeah definitely, I feel like I have so much head space now, for deeper contemplation and critical thinking stuff. I forgot what it's like to be in solitude, with no interruptions. It's like being born again in a way
  6. @JohnnyBravo That's been very good advice, thank you. I'm been out walking around all day and it's been helping me keep my mind occupied.
  7. Just fit a bottle to the end of your member, problem solved
  8. @whoareyou Thanks, that's a really helpful and comforting sentiment @SFRL Sick tune man! Love it. Girls bringing in more girls, watching them models 'drank' etc. That's the lifestyle for me, moving forward @Serotoninluv Is that passage easy to look up? I'll try and find it. My way of coping usually is to jump straight back into dating and meaningless sex. But I'm holding off from that this time I think. I've got a lot of issues to work on, to become friends with myself again. Stressing about finding a new place to live now. Listening to the Power of Now audiobook and it's really helping though. How's it going with the girl you were dating?
  9. @JohnnyBravo That was a great post, thank you so much for taking the time to share those kind words along with some of your own story. I'm glad you reminded me to embrace the sadness as I was actually trying to bypass it by focusing on the postives. But it was eating away at me. She's the nicest girlfriend I've ever had and this hit me out if the blue, although I know there were some issues, mainly with me as I've been unemployed for a while and finding it difficult to get back to work, smoking lots of weed, moping around the house. Being pretty pathetic, so I had it coming. But yeah, I have to not best myself up, that's another important point. I'm a master at doing that. I will try and connect with my family, thanks. Some time with my mum would be nice. I've never been that close to the others as I've been a pothead for a while so maybe I could connect with some of them and build those relationships. For sad music I think I'll choose Bob Dylan. Something like Blood on the Tracks. Right now I'm just stressing about my living situation. She's paid £1000 into my account and I'm expected to move out ASAP. She's not being harsh, she just wants to cut the cord and not get tempted to try and take me back. So when I have a new place the delicious mourning can begin in earnest. Glad you've found a special person dude sometimes these things happen to us so we can discover what we want and don't want. Right now I feel like staying single for ever. Or at least until I have my own life in order. Being in a relationship when you're own house isn't in order just puts a strain on things.
  10. Hey guys, my girlfriend ended our relationship tonight, citing irreconcilable differences. I'm pretty shell shocked as you can imagine, but I'm looking forward to a new start. If anyone has anything to say that could cheer me up, perhaps some benefits of the single life etc, or whatever, I would be eternally grateful
  11. @Zigzag Idiot Oh right, I'll have a read up on alarm clocks as I might be able to refine the technique even more. I get a bit of a kick out of making up these little systems, although I sometimes worry it's a bit obsessive or even that I'm overthinking things way too much lol. That would be most people's opinion. But when you know how much work this is to do, to deconstruct the ego and notice your machine like behaviour, it seems completely necessary. Na dude, you didn't imply at all that it had been a problem for you, I was just having trouble coming outside of my own inner train of thought, and not relating everything to how I see the world. Either that or I just twisted it around so I could talk about what I found really interesting lol. I noticed it quite quickly afterwards, which is quite new for me, to be able to notice my own selfishness. I've been trying to do that more and more recently, that and being more authentic, and I think it's helping raise my awareness and notice more lies. It's very cool but quite shocking too as times. I keep stopping and saying 'whoa, I can see what I'm doing there. I can see the bullshitting animal in full effect lol.' Leo being so authentic in his recent video and also his enlightenment video, really inspired me to do this more. But I'm just getting started. The deconstruction has begun
  12. For me a Law of Attraction combined with a mindfulness-based approach has worked the best for rewiring my subconscious mind. Pro-actively setting intentions to see things in a different way and making sure I'm ever-vigilant as to the meaning I'm applying to things around me. Becoming deeply aware of how meaning is constructed by me, the mechanisms there. How I label my emotions and why I do that. I'm setting alarms and making new intentions (intention is massively significant in this work), performing daily rituals like visualisation, using mantras, We're talking about overwriting old patterns of behaviour with new, consciously built ones. It's a powerful, deeply fulfilling way of living, to take control again. Like in Leo's understanding awareness exercise where he quotes Ouspensky: Man cannot move, speak or think of his own accord. He's a marionette, pulled hither and thither by invisible strings. If he understands this he can learn more about himself, and then possibly things will begin to change for him. But if he cannot realise this and he cannot understand his other mechanicalness, if he does not wish to accept it as a fact he can learn nothing more and things cannot change for him. Man is a machine but a very peculiar machine. He is a machine which in the right circumstances with the right treatment, can know that he is a machine and having fully realised this he may find ways to cease to be a machine. This following video has been huge in my life. For me it blends non-dualiy with Law of Attraction. This guy explains it in such a clear way too, about how it all comes down to the meanings we give to symbols. Swami Yogananda is the man as well. He doesn't have many hits on Youtube, but he was a direct disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda's. His videos are gold
  13. @Zigzag Idiot Luckily for me these synchronicities aren't regular enough to keep me constantly distracted and in a kind of trance almost, from what you've said. Does this bother you, that they draw you in so much? I guess I'm framing it like it would at the moment, as I'm trying to work on my focus levels. Saying that, synchronicities are so awesome I probably wouldn't be fussed. I might not say 'stop trying to communicate with be universe, I don't have time for you lol. I do get distracted a lot, from consciousness work and life purpose stuff, but like I said I'm working on systems to stop that happening. For example, I just came up with these things called 'memory nodes.' If you ever find focus an issue (not 100% sure you do) Here are my notes on it: Memories occur when specific groups of neurons are reactivated. In the brain, any stimulus results in a particular pattern of neuronal activity—certain neurons become active in more or less a particular sequence. If you think of your cat, or your home, or your fifth birthday cake, different ensembles, or groups, of neurons become active. The theory is that strengthening or weakening synapses makes particular patterns of neuronal activity more or less likely to occur. So, it's a chain, and you have to break that chain, using mindfulness. Add a new node into the chain that brings you back to the present moment How can you do that if you're lost in thought? When awareness has left the building, how do you take control? By pro-actively inserting nodes, from a place of awareness. It's different from reframing as reframing is just creating a new story. Memory Nodes 1., identify popular thought streams, on the spot and throughout the day, maybe when awareness returns after a stream is broken. Keep them written down. 2. Then, one at a time, bring the imagery associated with each to mind. It will feel a bit forced as you're used to being carried away by these memories and thinking patterns. You may even struggle to identify what's there, but keep the issue in mind as best as you can. The people, the places, the words. 3. Say 'May this memory always trigger presence in me and bring me back to the Now, for the good of all beings.' Then, visualize this happening. Take deep breaths with the belly and imagine you've just interrupted an uncomfortable thought stream and liberated yourself from it. Now when the thought streams occurs again unconsciously, you will have inserted the node, which should interrupt it for you.
  14. Another one I made. I use them for alarm sounds on my phone that go off throughout the day and remind me to check important things. This one is reminding me to check the meaning I'm giving to symbols, which is basically anything that comes into my awareness. It's free to download if you want to use it for anything.
  15. I think the fact modafinil quietens your mind and improves your focus, enables you to dig deeper into the thoughts that do occur with a greater clarity and concentration, to see how you're creating meaning all the time. I've been noticing so much self-deception today, almost constantly. It's almost like I've been able to take a step back a look at my actions from a more zoomed out perspective. I can see much more clearly how I've been applying meaning to everything based on my agenda and my beliefs. It's freaked me out a bit as I'm noticing it more and more. Don't know if anyone else had found they've had more spontaneous insights on modafinil, or had more clarity in general. I feel it's almost like a 'woke' pill. Keeps you woke and awake lol.