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About Wisebaxter

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  • Birthday 04/08/1980

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    Chichester, West Sussex, England, UK
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  1. @Forestluv Wow I love this. So basically what we have here is an empirical experience that showed you your suffering was predicated upon memory and entirely thought based and conceptual. That's so powerful. I mean, you can have an idea in your head that this is the case, but you had an actual experience. Reminds me of the time I had this insight that if you're able to let something go from your mind, it can't be real, hence the fact that it comes.... and goes....perhaps this forgetting practice is a sort of follow on from that. I'm also reminded of something Peter Ralston says in the Book of not Knowing. He says something like 'do you know it to be true, without a shadow of a doubt? If not, it has to be a concept/idea and therefore it's not real, so let it go. I think he calls the exercise 'empying the cup' @Nahm Ah this hit me right in the heart-space Nahm. Always nice to hear from you
  2. Ha your story about the fleas is very relevant here. I hurt these girls through being neglectful of their needs and their innocence and that just came back to bite me. At the time I thought I was acting in our best interests but really I was in denial about what I really wanted and acting very unconsciously. Sure I could say the same for them but that's up to them to look into. I can only control my own behaviour. I've hit a breaking point with it all anyway and I'm going to lay off of dating until I'm fit for it, which may be never. God yes, I have been rather humourless recently. I'd love to be able to make light of my challenges more. I wish I could learn to do that. I'll contemplate that one I think. I've just been racking up so much bad karma recently. I've been way too serious about it all too. I'd love to be more light hearted and kind to myself. Being off the weed doesn't help as my emotions start to hit me like a steam train and I'm not used to it. Thanks for stopping in and posting buddy, always great to hear from you. I'm really gonna take what you've said on board. I don't feel grateful for much right now, but Matt Kahn says you can always say 'I wish I could be grateful for...' and that works too as you're being honest and also you're still mentioning gratitude and telling the universe you want more of it.
  3. @kag101 Oh I feel you on this one buddy, and I love that quote. I was a bit concerned about negating my shadow aspects, so I'm experimenting with different language. The practice you're referring to seems more geared at accepting emotions that arise whereas this one covers that and also any concept you can think of, so a lot of stuff that appears to be external. So you wouldn't really say 'it's ok to 'cars,' if you get me. As I'm not just concerned with internal emotions perhaps it's safer to use the term 'forget,' but I'm still figuring it out. All I know is, forget feels so final and quick fire. You can reel off so much stuff using that word. Anything longer can seem a bit clunky. Thanks for sharing your thoughts dude
  4. Ok, today was too much, I had to buy some weed. First of all Vicki, the girl I thought I was gonna be with forever, fucks me in the ass, then my ex who I split up with a couple of weeks back tells me she's boned someone else and proceeds to verbally rip me a new one for being such a shit. It all got too much for me. But, I maintain, I am giving up weed, I just chose the wrong month to do so. I'm not giving up on me. Instead I'll use this diary to document the effect weed has on me so I can understand it better. I'll make this into a positive. I'll also use it to be relaxed enough to contemplate addiction. Right now I can't figure out shit. I now have £10 to last me 3 weeks. Let's hope the UK government doll out those £500 covid rescue vouchers pronto, then I'll dine at Nandos every evening. I rule
  5. @ApeInTuxedo I know this one very well. Those damsels in distress are rather appealing aren't they. Do you think we like them because we feel they'll rely on us so heavily and shower us with the love we can't give ourselves? Just an idea. I'm gonna contemplate this
  6. Today as been a hell of a ride. Started it off by ending things with Vicky, my apparent soul-mate, as she started quizzing me about my relationship with my son and why I hadn't seen him for many years (even though I do now.) She implied she wanted to know the score if we were gonna have kids together, which triggered me big time. I told her I didn't want kids anyway and I don't want to be judged on my past. She said 'so it's over?' and I jumped on the chance to say yes. So now the temptation to buy weed is stronger than ever. It's like a steam train and I'm almost being overcome by it. I don't know what's stopping me. Perhaps it's the idea of failing again. The fact that I'm going to feel that deep despair, that feeling of 'it's just not possible.' It is possible. I'm doing it now. I feel so bored, frustrated and depressed. I know it will cure all of that, to an extent, but then there'd be the anxiety again, the poor eating habits, the lack of sleep, the stagnating. My mind is trying to justify it by saying 'but you can throw yourself into your music.' Bullshit, I never do, it's just my ego being sneaky. Nothing new will happen if I buy it, nothing new ever does. It hasn't in 20 years anyway. Now I have a chance to roll with change for once, to allow that fact of life to wash over me. It's so scary though, I'm out of my comfort zone. I don't know this. I don't know who I am like this. I'm not accustomed to this emotional labour at all. Ralston's advice has been helping me loads - just don't do it! That's the way to stop. Don't pick up the damn bong. Then you just have to deal with what's there underneath, understand that. Why I am I feeling the need to escape? Why is this low feeling here? Ralston says we create all of our feelings based on the meanings we ascribe to things, so what am I doing? How do these feelings serve me? Could it be that again it's just my ego's way of getting me to smoke? Fuck it, I'll say no today. No to drugs. Yes to psychedelics though. I'm gonna but a few LSD hits so at least I have something to distract myself that will actually give me some growth as well as get me fucked up and high. I might microdose it or something. I have 7g of mushrooms on the way too. I'm hoping a solid mushrooms trip might help me with the addiction. I've heard it can do. This feeling will pass....I need to remember that. It'll pass and I'll feel amazing for not giving in to it. I kind of do already. Just writing this has been a massive help. Come on Alex! you're so strong, you got this buddy! 15 days so far (don't count that little resin episode)
  7. @Iiris Proof that a materialist and a new ager can hit it off then! I have this idea in my head that I have to find a really spiritual woman and I'm sure it's limiting me big time, especially as most spiritual people still have massive Ego's anyway most of the time. I'm glad you grew up with both sides of the spectrum represented. That must mean you can relate to people from both camps a bit better. Thanks for sharing by the way
  8. @Johnny5 Haha amazing dude, forget about it! It really does feel good. Today I've been using 'fuck' instead of 'forget,' as I'm needing to drive it home a little more. Still feels pretty damn good. Fuck personal hygiene, felt good.
  9. @Wisebaxter Wow that's almost like a zen koan. I've read it through a few times and it's very layered. It seems like forget does have a certain power to it. I was just worried about neglecting aspects of my shadow or making them feel unloved if I used it. I've heard it said that they need to be returned to the light with love. Also, when you just use forget as opposed to something longer you can reel off lists a lot faster. The word forget feels pleasing too somehow
  10. @Waken Yeah I felt the same thing last night. It also made me become aware of the sheer amount of concepts that have been weaved throughout my life. I'll try the crossing out too and see how that feels
  11. Ok, so basically you start listing things in your life, concepts really, that dominate your experience, and saying 'forget so and so...' So an example for me would be: Forget enlightenment. Forget awareness. Forget spirituality. Forget Leo. Forget Rupert Spira. Forget frustration. Forget regret. Forget eating. Forget wanting. Forget love. Forget God. Forget mum. Forget my brother. Forget family. It feels like you're purging concepts out of your system. It helps if you're feeling a bit frustrated with it all. It's almost like an act of letting go and seeing what you're left with, similar to Neti Neti meditation. Eventually you'll be labelling things that are coming into your mind. Like, forget obligation. I drifted off to sleep doing this and had a really profound dream about enlightenment. So you're reprogramming the subconscious mind too. Give it a go. I wanted to share as I found it really interesting and cathartic. I may choose a word that's a bit kinder than 'forget.' At the time I was fed up. I might be kinder to myself and say 'thank you' to those things instead, for making an appearance. Thank and you and farewell. Who knows. Forget works well though.
  12. Thanks a lot for all the great advice! I did it for a about a week and then lost the habit unfortunately. I'm not great at maintaining these things daily and I often worry I'm doing the wrong practice. This is a result of having collected so many since finding Leo and spirituality in general and not taking action on them. Now I'm left with a platter of practices and don't know where to start lol. I've done mediation on and off for years and always found that makes me feel more relaxed and mindful from day to day. In the Kriya book ok Leo's booklist it says you only need Kriya and doesn't reccommend things like mediation where you just aist and let your mind roam freely. This threw me a bit. I take it you don't agree with this then? You think it's worthwhile to do Kriya and meditation?
  13. What is it you don't like about the sex?
  14. Reading my old posts it's occurred to me how many limiting beliefs I'm actually stuck in, and how language is shaping my experience. A concept is an existential experience, it's an entity, something born from the Godhead that settles in this thing we call the mind and then transforms and morphs even further, takes root, forms part of a narrative. Evolves. So I'm constantly being defined by past experiences, by memories, unless I can do what Osho said and die to myself every second. How could one live like this? The ego is definitely a necessity, plays it's part for survival, but it's a system run rampant, with a bug in it's program. Missing data. Am I an addict? If I say I am? If society says I am? This word, addict, is itself toxic, once it gets under your skin. If you let it. After all I can choose my experience. I can see how identifying yourself with concepts is the problem. Well, you first have to create those concepts of course by applying meaning to meaningless symbols in front of you. Peter Ralston explains in this video that as you can switch your self concept to anything, you really can't be anything in particular. So from now I'm not an addict. I'm a recovering addict. That seems like an easy jump. Maybe next I''ll be a reformed addict, or an ex addict. Hmm, maybe I could skip a few stages. Or maybe I could neglect the whole journey and just be an Aeroplane, in my mind. Walk around with my arms spread . I'm always just being. What do I want to be next? I smoked some resin today. At least, I have that memory in my head. What does it mean to me? What do I want it to mean? Currently I feel like it means I fucked up haha, although perhaps I'll make it mean I did exactly what I was supposed to do, seeing as it happened and I had this insight. I feel a bit disheartened that it happened when I was high. I don't have as much fire in my belly it seems when I'm sober. Again another belief, another concept. Maybe my belly is a raging inferno when I'm sober. After all I decided to smoke that resin after all and it worked out amazingly haha. So I must be inspired in that state. Now I do want some more though. I'm enjoying being sober. Ew another horrible word. It's opposite is always present when it appears. Or is it a horrible word? Maybe it's the best word ever created. Or maybe it's just a collection of shapes on this screen in front of me. The question is, what's my experience of it? What do I want it to be? God I love being the Godhead
  15. @DrewNows Haha this was amazing! I think you just saved me a lot of time as I felt myself going in the same direction after going full on heart centred to balance things out. Easy to go to far in the other direction though