Wisebaxter

I did it. I finished my MA. Against all odds a rose grew from concrete. The harsh rains and challenging climate made it so. Every hater that trampled me made me stronger. Really though, I am super duper proud of myself. Not only did I finish it but I excelled. I thought I would struggle to compete but from my perspective I was ahead of the pack in lots of ways. Not surprising really, when you look out how long I've obsessed over this. Three firsts, three? I mean come on...I'm the goat at song writing. If I was going to focus in somewhere that's where it should be. That's what Stephen might recommend, if he were the type to do so. No matter what happens that can never be taken away from me now. If I was to die tomorrow I could say I did my best and challenged myself to the very end. How many people could complete an MA in music composition? That's no easy feat. Even Ethan, a talented musician, was out of his depth at times. I'm also super impressed at how innovative and original my portfolio was. I demonstrated that I can make music, edit, write and voice act. Is there anything this man can't do? I turned up to every lecture bar two, I wasn't once late with a deadline. I devoted myself 100% and worked around the clock, even when I was tired. I applied myself with vigour. The thing that makes it even more impressive is the lack of real world encouragement I've had. I mean, I'm not pointing any fingers here as I've hardly been a model friend and family member, but the fact remains, I've had to be completely self motivated. Really I just can't thank myself enough. Despite every possible criticism that could be levelled at me in terms of my other challenges and history, nobody can say I'm not a driven individual who it comes to art and my vision. you could call me a visionary. If you want. just saying. I dreamed a dream, I brought it to life. How many people can say they did that, or even came close? It takes a visionary, a warrior, a dragon, someone who can see past what they're presented with and imagine something bigger. To have faith, when everyone around you tells you you're crazy, is a miracle of the human spirit, of the capacity to create from a place of individuality and authenticity. If every human was able to assertive themselves and have a unit voice in line with their soul. That'd be cool.

I am very impressed with my level of enthusiasm for this situation. Unfortunately on this occasion it was misplaced or perhaps even misdirected. It seems I misjudged the situation as did sweet Ellie. She has communicated to me, after a period of silence and pending some encouragement from me, that she is nursing a broken heart through the actions of another, and is not ready to pursue romancin' with someone new. She tried, but she just couldn't do it, that's what she said. I would be tellin' a lie if I said I was not downhearted to hear it. I did a certain amount to mental investing in the idea, despite my reservations, so I must come back to earth. She sure was fine. I guess I'll never know what truly happened, but here's something, I am still a free man. As the promise of one love leaves, another arrives, of this I am sure. This journal is for manifesting positivity and aligning with my highest timeline. Sometimes it's hard not to give voice to my pain, my hurt, anger, other feelings that cause me to turn away from love. I honestly believe this work s good though. I need a place where I can create light. I feel it so deeply and it's so raw, the emotion. I will continue with this work here. I will type words of love. I will take deep breaths. If I am silent, if I feel it, it will pass. I am a beautiful, attractive person, worthy of love. I am grateful for my friends and my opportunities. I am grateful for my lessons and challenges. I learn through the burn. I face the fire and walk into it. I get the digits.

Ellie didn't message tonight before she went to bed. That gives me a great opportunity to ground myself and contemplate not attachment. I could feel some disappointment, and a slight worry that she may not be right for me, but that's ok. I give love to these feelings and I honour the will and autonomy of another, someone who has their own process, commitments and concerns. I feel the spark of excitement in me here, like a fuse that wants to go off. She represents too much to me perhaps, due to some external factors that could be contributing to my over zealousness or need to move fast. I must not let myself be dazzled as this will cloud my judgement, cause me to act unnaturally and create the urge to grasp. Ellie is a beautiful person that I have been privileged to spend time with. At this stage I will feel grateful for any more time I get to spend with her. She is honestly perfect. I don't even mean it in the typical spiritual sense to which it's often referred, in that everything in reality represents a perfection attributed to its own uniqueness. No, she is also a work of art, of the finest beauty and elegance. Not like an abstract work, which gives pleasure only through the meaning we take from it, but as a work that ignites the senses through taking in its perfect contours, exquisite angles. Her skin smooth, clear and soft, ignites a chemical concoctions that bubbles away beneath my state. Base material, creating an urge to procreate. The feeling is transcendent. Now I play the part of the poet, bitten by love. My identity wants to shift. The lonely, unattractive old man was itself getting old. What about me is beyond both of these? Fuck Ellie. Fuck Izzie. Fuck Elle. Fuck composing. Fuck spirituality. Fuck music. Fuck life. fuck me.

The question now becomes, what kind of partner do I want to be? Because I could easily just go with the flow, follow my habitual patterns of behaviour, which is a mixed bag, or I could consciously, with intent, think about what I want to bring to the table. What are my values within this relationship? What actions will demonstrate these values? How will they effect my 'relating?' What would I like it to look like? How will we 'relate' within this relationship? How do I want her to feel? How will my actions influence her emotional state? What are her values? What experiences would we like to have together? What has gone wrong in the past, why did it go wrong, and how can I avoid this happening again? What possible pitfalls can I identify at this stage, based on what I know about her, and me. How can they be avoided or dealt with if they occur? How does she like to make love? What is her love language? What is her Myers Briggs? Where is she on the Spiral? What aspects of my persona could cause her discomfort and vice versa Based on what I know about her, what might she find attractive and unattractive in a partner?

Oh, about the day when I finally stop thinking about my ex, it's here! I just had a date with a 10 who's also 10 years younger than me. Her name is Ellie. I don't know her surname. It's hard to think of a scenario whereby this doesn't work out, so if I'm reading this back and it hasn't...I'm sorry bro, but remember, that girl went on a date with YOU. Is it the moustache? Is it your insanely compelling spiritual banter? Was it the Heron? She said she's never seen someone looking at a Heron like that, with awe. That friggin bird just helped me score, big time. I'm gonna take it a fresh carp or something. I swear down, if this girl wants marriage, I'm there, if she wants kids, I'm there. how on God's earth am I gonna play this cool? I am done! What about being single? Done. What about needing to be free for other girls? Done! I am all in baby. Ellie....is......the goat. And she smokes weed!! God, what did I do to deserve this? Ok ok I'm not there yet. This has to be tactical, no fucking around. No schoolboy errors. No bringing up sex. Damn what is going ON? When she walked around the corner in Bishop palace gardens....holy shit..how did I not see how hot she was before? Don't go telling her that though, not yet, ramp up the romance. A slow trickle. Courting. This is some WWII shit. Some 'sweetheart' shit. Finally I get some interest from a bare hottie. About time! All it took was the intervention of a large bird and a new arrangement of facial hair. As Tom said, looks like we

I've surprised myself with how deeply I miss my ex partner. Perhaps I was really in love. What a beautiful thing to have experienced. So many amazing memories. The pain is so profound and raw now. The universe truly is gangster. We are conditioned to love but staying in a partnership is such a challenge. I hope I get another chance one day, to do it right. My yearning for her is still so deep that the thought just doesn't appeal to me. It's true I can't imagine meeting someone I connect with so deeply, but it's important to remember the ways in which we didn't connect. I'm so proud of her for finally cutting ties and moving on. It must have been hard. She's so strong, stronger than me. All I have for that woman is love and adoration. I hope she's met someone else who really makes her happy. I wish I could have been that for her. Doesn't matter now. It's in the past. I have to admit for a while I really thought she was the one. It's hard to break free from that thinking. I sometimes wonder how and why it all went wrong. It seems like a blur now. But this is reality and there's no going back, ever. Soon will come the day when I think about her and all of the pain is gone. Then I'll really be able to send her love, without my ego getting involved. Blessed ego. It was so satisfied, in so many ways, but also so restless. Well now I'm free, although it doesn't feel like I thought it would, because I'm still playing host to the heartache. That's ok. I'll be the best host. I love you Lucie. Always will.

Sometimes I'll see a woman that gives me hope that I'll be able to move on from Lucie and fall in love again. I get reminded of the levels of beauty out there and it makes me feel better. It's such a lovely feeling, being single and knowing I can act if I want to. I'm not on the apps anymore. Tom really made me think about that. I won't sell myself again. I feel like I have more pride this way. It's nice not chasing women all of the time and just being friendly with them. I feel more mature and well rounded. I don't think I've ever just let things happen naturally before and not operated through that lens. It's still there, but I see it for what it is. I can see objective reality more, free from the lens of my ego. Friendship is such a beautiful thing. To have someone offer you that, to feel good enough about you to take that risk, means the world. It says more than anything. For someone to confide in you, offer you a part of who they are as a person, to share their feelings, to be vulnerable, trusting, outside of anything intimate, means something.

@enchanted you're very welcome

@quantumspiral thanks for the recommends. Ralston has trained a lot of athletes I think. Check out his Youtube channel too. He also runs retreats and they look incredible. Yeah he says the more you tune your awareness, the deeper the distinctions you make on a phenomena. Like, if I listen to the sound of birds intently I'll be able to pick out different birds instead of it being just one mass of chirpy loveliness

And just when they thought he was out for the count, boom! He goes and gets a job, in extra time, and scores a pay check. Any doubt about finishing my course has gone. I'm basically a master of the arts. Somehow I did it. I managed to survive a year with no job, working hard and churning out good work, developing my skills to a level I never thought I'd get to. I'm a composer now, a musician, a frikkin maestro. How does this man do it? How does he maintain this level of badassery? Not only that, but I now have a cool job where I've made friends with beautiful people and received so much love.

@BlessedLion That's great to hear. Have you read Zen Body Being? I love how practical all of his books are. I'd love to go on one of his retreats wouldn't you? They're a bit out of my price range though

@Paradoxed This is a very valid point and one I lose sight of, so thanks. The thing is, when I try and do creative stuff whilst sober I just don't enjoy it. Is it because I've programmed myself with the lie so heavily that I'm living it out? I just find weed keeps me engaged in it. It has to be pure biological programming right? Yeah that's the shitter. I'd probably be fine with the whole thing if I could afford it. I hope I can test that out one day. I do often thing it's made me into a recluse somehow, but I have no solid evidence for that. Yeah man, poor weed gets the blame for it all. This is very illuminating. It has a quite a 'rap sheet' in my mind. lots of people might argue that it's to blame for a lot and I'm now telling myself I should accept it as that's easier than quitting. How can I find out the truth? I also have this belief that it makes me overthink a lot. Looking at it now, my self concept is very defined by the stuff. I suppose I should just let it go and stop reinforcing It right

@PenguinPablo This is a very good question. I've thought the same myself but considering it now, the upgrades that I've received from tripping have been profound. Sure I haven't experienced ego death, but I've felt such an intense love that it turned up that dial for me permanently. Sure the dial went back, but it wasn't fully reset. Also, consider the insights. I'm sure you've had those. Again, for me these were permanent game changers. I've stopped hoping for mystical experiences on them now. I also don't take huge doses as I'm still a little wary. Largest dose I've done is 300ug of acid. Like I say it was a deep sense of being connected, feeling love and basking in the awesomeness and beauty of reality. I'd class it as a deeply spiritual experience, for me anyway. After that synchronicities seemed to occur more in my life and I felt a lot more guided and connected to a higher power, whatever that is. It was the closest I've come to a sense of what I'd like to call God and I've never been the same. So I'm team psychs

@Paradoxed That post gave me a lot to think about, thanks for taking the time. I have had these moments where I feel I should just embrace it and the whole 'fighting it' thing and the idea that I'm 'an addict,' is, like you say, just a friggin mind game and a load of bullshit. I feel like weed also becomes this big scapegoat for me that's convenient to blame because I don't have this or that. More specifically I don't own a house, a car or a pet, don't have a girlfriend/wife and really have bare minimum possessions. Basically a laptop, a VR headset and a bag of clothes.. I decided to go unemployed in my early 20s and devote my life to making music. 20 years later and people around me are enjoying the things they've built, homes, kids and shit, but not this guy! So weed gets the blame. There's all this stuff in our culture about how drugs make you a down and out as well, so that feeds into the narrative. I'm certainly anti social, that's for sure. But I think I was always heading this way. It's impossible to tell. I'm going to just embrace it now. If I run out of money again, God will step in, it always does. I often have this idea or sense that God wants me to be a blatant stoner and make amazing works of art so that's why I am this way. If I got out of my own way more that's the experience I would probably have. God as a stoner composer who gives zero shits

@Evelyna Yeah I suppose my barrier is the emotional labour from changing, I've always had pretty bad willpower and like you say, it works. It helps me enjoy it and put in the hours to develop at it, so quitting now when I've come so far, feels weird. But yeah I do have a choice and maybe there's something else I could try. Working after Kriya Yoga or something. Homeostasis has me by the balls I have to be open and set the intention to try. It blows my mind how hard it is for an organism to change. You see it all around you don't you, people in far worse states and unable to do anything. Thanks for posting @MarkKol Yeah I have microdosed and that does work very well. Never taken a normal dose and tried though, have you? It might be harder to work. @Lucasxp64 You're not wrong, I'm just a slave to a habit I've built up and can't find a path back from. I only seem capable of real change when shit hits the fan. Like recently when I ran out of money for food, I decided weed was the devil and threw my bong away. Then I sold my phone and just bought some more as the pressure was off. I just don't have the drive to try and change it normally. It's far too stimulating and I'm a pleasure junkie. It's really the only area pleasure I get as I have no family, friends etc. I just live for my craft and escape into it. @Paradoxed An important point and one I'm ignorant of most of the time, until I have this realisation and I'm constantly creating this narrative and I'm able to just observe more and stay unattached. But again, you need to actually practice this shit with intention right, for it to take root. I do tell myself I need it to be creative, and that keeps being reinforced by my experience of that. Perhaps I live out the experience as I've already visualised it. But the experience must have come first surely...