Wisebaxter

Sorry Dave. You made me smile many times. I'm fucking distraught. Anger masks my sadness. Goddamn booze. poisonous shit. Why didn't he stick to weed? Fuck!!!

When I get on with productive work, my research paper, job hunting, The ringing dies down. Is it a siren warning me of failure? It must have some awesome, incredible meaning! Weed has run dry. Can I last until I finish the course without buying any? That would be hella rad if I could. I banged Lucie again. Then we decided to definitely call it a day. She convinced I didn't make her feel safe enough to communicate in the relationship. I'm convinced she's both stupid and deluded. She does have a nice vagina though. Maisey's dead. He went the way of the Jared, driven to drugs by a failed relationship, bitterness, sadness. No perspective. It all meant too much. If only I'd known he had problems, maybe I could have helped. So tragic. He left a little girl behind. Who the fuck does that? I'm boycotting his funeral. Real men die in battle or through shark attacks, not because of a woman. I mean how far gone do you have to be to think that's your life over, at 44, because you got dumped? I despair. Maybe soon I'll mourn him or have empathy. Right now it's just anger. Anger at his weakness and lack of perspective. Gallagher is pressuring me to go to the wake. He can fuck off. Thanks for ruining my day by even telling me. I'd rather not have known. These cu*** who decide they have to tell everyone about it. I'm sure they enjoy it. I'm so far gone aren't I? Oh well. Bye Dave. last of the true lightweights. Even Watney outlasted you

I can hear higher frequencies now. You could call it Tinnitus. I have. But it's the sound of the collective pain body getting stronger, as awakening grows closer. It's the high pitched sound of cells trying to survive, each one of them scared for itself. It brings with it a tightness in my body, mental noise, feedback, Cortisol. When the tension passes, when the fear passes, the sound dies down. It's the sound of loneliness, but it calls out as a chorus. When the other voices are heard, love starts to build, the body relaxes.

The chocolates worked. Love prevalled

I'm a long term stoner, recluse and INFJ. I don't speak to family and I don't have friends so I'm a perfect case study for how someone can get locked in their own paradigm or worldview. This was brought to my attention today when someone gave me some good advice about a situation in my shared kitchen where I'd accidentally used someone else's cutlery and they'd written me angry notes. Since it began (there have been multiple notes, like a campaign), I have been feeling so anxious about going in the kitchen that I've cooked elsewhere. I felt that I was being victimised or bullied even. One of the notes even suggested none of the things in my cupboard were mine and that I was on a thieving spree, collecting cheap spatulas, baking trays, anything I could get my mits on apparently. I'd been given second hand stuff from the university when I moved in, so I got confused about what was mine, but only slightly. Anyway, I toyed with the idea of writing notes threatening to take action as this was bullying behaviour (Some of the notes I'd recieved were sweary). I wrote a couple of semi apologetic ones, but each time I binned the note as it seemed like more drama. But the notes kept coming. It's really affected me. I started to wonder why people just seem to dislike me or target me. Surely it's not just about a spoon I used? I had a guy in the last place I lived in threaten me with violence for cooking at night. I read that I may have an unhealed shadow that gets projected back to me in the actions of others. Made sense. In short, it felt like a prolonged attack and I got the impression they were enjoying the power or egging each other on. But this guy I spoke to about it told me that although it was a bit pathetic, stuff like that bothers him too and he'd probably write a note, albeit a more polite one. He then suggested someone might even have OCD like he does and advised me to leave some chocolates on the table with a note explaining the confusion and apologising, saying 'it must be very frustrating.' This was a revelation to me. I'd never even considered that. I just had no perspective. It's occurred to me that the more brains you have around, good quality brains, the more you can think outside the box. Sure this could backfire if you get pulled every which way by multiple perspectives, but even one different perspective gave me something I never could have found alone, a radical solution that to him was normal as he's a chocolate buying motherfucker, with friends and people he cares about. He brings them chocolates all the time, it's normal to him. I had turned to fear, hatred and suspicion. Even now I'm wondering whether the note and chocolates out there on the table will be received well. I'm worried it was never about them needing resolution, more about them needing an enemy. They're very inconsiderate people as they never clean up after themselves, so it might all be a way of them denying that in themselves by attacking others outside their circle, an easy target, the creepy mature student down the hall. Why else would they assume I was stealing everything? They wanted to believe it almost. back in my prime uni days when I was younger I'd have had them both bent over the kitchen table, taking one from behind whilst spanking the other one with the spatula. To wrap up the essay, if you don't speak to other people often, do try to, especially on important matters. Your brain is only wired a certain way. It's such a limited way of going through life. Now I just need to get my antisocial ass out there and try to change. Maybe I need to pay attention to exactly what my cutlery looks like too. To me it's all just silver looking mundane shit. I'm too busy planning an empire to think about the small things...what could go wrong? My dream outing:

@Yimpa Oh I’ve never thought to try the BFF thing on Bumble. That’s a good idea because it takes all the pressure off and really anything good will be built from the ground up with someone you can actually be friends with. I’m really happy for you. That’s where the good ones are hanging out then. I’ll sign back up soon and have a look. Would be good for me to stop being motivated by just sex. I almost can’t divorce it from how I feel about a woman based on who she is a person. A recipe for disaster and there have been some. In terms of being sneaky, yeah you’d have to be authentically interested in just being friends. But does that mean you’d start friendships even with women you don’t find attractive at all? Surely that always comes into play? Or no?

Another element that would make all the difference for me is if she didn't have a 9-5 job and was perhaps an artist or had her own business. Then we would't have the 10pm 'sign off,' which is a complete boner killer. The sessions have to be long and continue through the night

@Thought Art yeah I probably just don't get out enough. If you meet any though send them my way

@Carl-Richard Ah so she was a semi, into games but not weed. That's like buying a current bun with no icing on top. Some of these nerdy gaming girls you see at conventions are stupidly hot. If you were a more conventional looking guy in that environment and not a skinny, awkward nerd, you might be able to shine more and get them interested, especially if you could impress her on Fortnite or something, win a match with her watching. At the moment you'd feel a hand on your groin. It would probably have to be a big gaming convention as I'd imagine that super hot girls aren't exactly the norm there, but at least they'd be interesting and really for me they wouldn't need to be massively hot, just mildly, perhaps in a quirky manner. I bet they'd be massively into films too, especially martial arts. That's another thing girls don't seem to enjoy in general. My ex used raise her eyebrows every time I put Bloodsport on. She'd just sit and wince every time someone got elbowed in the face.

@Carl-Richard Oh I hope he's ok, break ups are awful. I'd imagine that creating a stoner chick is never the same unless she really develops that true passion for it. I've had a couple of girls who'll try it to make me happy but watching them try and use a controller just makes me despair and yearn for a girl who can wield it like a pro and actually play games on hardcore difficulty. I've never seen a girl actually play a game well so that would really do it for me. I'm imagining her telling me to keep loading the bong for her so she doesn't lose momentum

@Yimpa Oh bro where did you find her? She got a sister?

@Emerald God knows why I even said that. I can't even remember writing it but I think I was trying to be humorous, although it just came off as weird reading it back. I think I was trying to allude to the stereotype of gamers not washing much. That's interesting anyway about vaginas being self cleaning though. Based on your description I was referring to the vulva more, so my use of terminology was sloppy.

@Schizophonia A vigorous health regime would need to be followed along with all the weed smoking and gaming

@Zigzag Idiot Lovely to hear from you my friend. So McKenna is saying that the brain doesn't need to dream as much as it does so much accessing of the subconscious whilst on weed. Wow yeah that totally makes sense, I never remember dreaming when smoking weed. Well today I'm baked as fuck, on weed, modafinil and a micro dose of LCD. I feel very inspired in all areas, suffice to say was just thinking about how these substances are a quick way of changing hard wired chemistry if you use them right. if you were to take modafinil and use it to focus on something that spilled over into your everyday life. I seem to try and use drugs as tools for growth. I'm too wasted to carry on typing so I'll leave that thought unfinished ha. Hope this post finds you well

Ok here's me without weed, on day one: Very focused on anxious thoughts, pretty much constantly Lack of concentration on Uni work, keep needing some kind of dopamine fix from somewhere else, like dating apps or Instagram. Bored Irritated Kind of empty, like nothing is that stimulating, Lonely Sad Uninspired. It's like nothing really matters me. Chatting on dating apps was still fun though and stimulating to a degree. Purely stimulating things like instagram still did their job. Don't give a fuck about making music. Almost yearning for Bumble messages, like I needed them like a drug. Everything feels like a chore, more motivation needed. Couldn't be fucked to clean my room. Bare scowl Didn't exercise Even writing this is infinitely more dull than the list from yesterday above. Look at the difference in the two posts in terms of detail No drive, no ambition, no juice, like a lemon that's been run over by a tank (that made me smile) This is what I'm noticing as the main difference now, the lack of drive, passion and motivation. it's pulpable Writing this list is cheering me up a bit. It's helping to shine a light on it all. Weed = magical world. No weed = mundane world. Lack of excitement. Really I'm just writing the opposite of the last list. Missing Lucie, whereas if I had weed I'd forget about her. I could distract myself from these thoughts a lot easier. It might be bollocks but I feel might be a bit more grounded. Also more caring of other people's feelings and less likely to waste my time and get drawn down rabbit holes of stimulation. Could it be that the intensity of the weed creates more opportunities for procrastination? Right now I'm wondering if I feel a bit...'fresher,' also a bit more...levelled. I'm enjoying the break from the intoxication. I applied for a job as I was so fucking bored anyway as I may as well. I'd be bored doing anything so many as well chose the most productive task to be bored with