Wisebaxter

@Emerald Yeah you're right, it's a shit idea I'm a bit rusty seeing as i'm in a long term relationship.

There’s a reason that male escorts will often find themselves engaged in romantic activities with their clients. That reason is that it turns most women on. There are exceptions sure, but the emotional connection encouraged by romance will help her relax and feel at ease with you. Just don’t go too overboard and blur boundaries. but really the best answer is, ask them what they want. There’s no objective answer really. Also remember, passionate, sexy or lusty stuff can still be considered romantic. For example, eat a strawberry out of her pussy. Everyone’s a winner

@Swarnim This is a powerful communication, thank you for taking the time. I have a bad addiction to weed which feeds into a lot of other habits actually, so it's interesting that you used that smoking example. I find I'm very easily offended, which is tiring and causing suffering to my partner and I. I'm like a plane cockpit I have so many buttons to push. She's the same. We've both started reading a shadow work book from Leo's booklist and doing the exercises. I really want to meditate more as I don't currently. I do a Joe Dispenza meditation where he gets you to send energy from your lower chakras up to the top of your head to liberate 'the mind from the body' as he puts it, so you're not bound by the past. He then gets you to focus on the space around each energy centres and create new empowered emotions. it makes me feel great while I'm doing it but I haven't practiced it enough to see if it'll make a real difference. I find it a little hard to meditate when I'm stoned.

@gettoeflThat's really practical advice, thanks a lot. I've started watching the ego and journalling today. A lot of dark stuff is coming out, almost like it wants to have it's say. I suppress a lot of my thoughts and don't allow them to breath. The watcher of the ego is not the ego - that's key. A good mantra I think

@VeganAwake Thank you. I do find my own tendency to label things as bad causes me more guilt sometimes. I often wonder whether the path is through acceptance or control. Some say sit with your pain. Others like Joe Dispenza tell you to actively create new emotions. Hard to know what's gonna work sometimes. Even harder to actually build up the habit to find out. But this must be the way

@_Archangel_This is awesome advice, thank you. People on this forum never fail to get me on track or help me understand things. It really is the best forum on the internet. Objective truth! I'm going to observe my ego more from a place of love and keep reminding myself that it's not me. It seems that awareness is the key to avoiding attachment. I'll go deeper into that. Also thanks to @Thought Art for giving me some pointers here. You summed up the issue I'm having really well in your post. Much love to all you guys and gals

@Breakingthewall Loved reading your posts, thanks a lot. Some really useful information and insights. My intent kind of bitches out due to the sheer gravity of the work I think. If only I could learn to see it as fascinating like you said. There's too much emotional attachment everything which kills my curiosity dead. I need to investigate what's going on and get serious. Spend that emotional labour and stop fucking playing Skyrim

@flowboy Ah flowboy, I remember chatting to you a few years back when I did my first couple of trips. You really helped me out. This is a great post too so thank you. I need to go balls deep with shadow work too, that's so true. It seems that's the gist of what's being said to me here, with all of these replies. Do the work. Can't argue with that. So why am I not? I think it's got something to do with getting to bogged down by the infinite possibilities and ways to improve, so I don't know where to start. It's like decision paralysis. Or maybe this problem is created artificially as a sneaky ego defence. Matt Kahn talks about loving whatever arises, and that seems like a good approach. Or @Moksha nicely puts it here: My issue it seems is attachment, like @Leo Gura says, to all these bullshit ideas. Anyway I'm going to get serious about shadow work, so thanks again.

@aurum @Mulky Thanks a lot for those posts guys. It looks like you’re both saying the same thin. Hang in there, it’s normal. It does seem to be a part of reality, even if it’s an an illusion, or baseless. It’s still a kind of phenomena. I like the idea of accepting it completely so I’ll try and do that. Sometimes it feels a bit like micromanaging myself though. Like a constant need to control my experience, to have positive emotions. It’s tiring. I can see the repetitiveness of all my thinking patterns so clearly. I yearn for something fresh and unburdened by all this clogged up ego smog. But it’s like a freight train of bullshit.

I've realised that my identity is illusory. Experientially I can verify that it has no basis, because I can't find it. I can't find me anywhere else, other than consciousness, or the present moment. But still I get offended when it's suggested I am a certain thing. Or I worry than I am a certain thing, like a narcissist (thanks for the test Leo). My girlfriend had a field day with my superiority facet and I got offended. I know I can't be that, so why can't I just stop being this way? Is it the momentum of ego? Or is it that relatively speaking, I am that thing? At least to someone else. This is just an example, it could be anything. My real question is, how do you integrate a powerful insight or experience like that, so it changes your behaviour? How can you live in line with what you know is true?

Love this bro. I had this realisation once but forgot it until now. It makes me realise how much weight I give that voice unnecessarily. It’s so easy to get attached to it as it sounds like me and talks about ‘me related’ stuff. Such a mindfuck indeed

I've recently realised that the whole idea of enlightenment has almost been erased from my mind. My last post on here was three friggin years ago. It's so easy to get lost in content and day to day survival needs. I haven't been able to get hold of any psychedelics either since my favourite dark web site closed. Perhaps the ego tries to stay alive through getting us lost in content and distractions. It could be that I have more chance at mystical experiences now my survival needs are being met more. isn't it just how I choose to frame it? being God? When I was meditating before and tripping I couldn't get past a certain depth of experience. I had what I'd describe as some minor 'infinite love' awakenings, plus a load of relative insights that helped me move forward, but no ego death or experience of the absolute. Now I have a job, a great relationship, future prospects and more stability, I really want to start some practices again in earnest, hence this journalling for starters. Sending you all blessings of love and realisation.

I love you for this

Sounds weird, but have you ever tried trying to have panic attack when you're having one? Or saying something like 'let's make this a good one?' I've found it almost trips the fear circuit in my brain. I think that developing the capacity to love has helped a lot. I got a lot from a YouTuber called Matt Kahn. This could look like accepting every circumstance as being part of a perfection, or like showing compassion to an angry boss. It could also look like loving the parts of myself that I couldn't before, shadow work etc. For me it's as simple as saying 'I love you' to whatever arises. If there's resistance, I just love that. It's almost like love is the answer to every question, which makes my life more simple. thanks for asking I think I've gotten a lot of growth from just getting a job I quite like too, and a nice girlfriend. She has an 11 year old and I thought I'd struggle with the responsibility but it's grown me a lot. It allows me more opportunities for selflessness. These kinds of life choices can't be beaten for growth in my opinion. We can meditate until we're blue in the face but hanging out on the bottom level of Maslow's triangle is way too stressful lol. Saying that, meditating, self awareness and Mindfullness do help me make better life choices that are more aligned with who I am, so it's all intertwined. It's also worth mentioning a meditation I found by Joe Dispense, where he gets you to focus on what you want in the morning and visualise it, before visualising what you don't want. A lot of good things happened for me around the time I was doing it. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aMs5IWhZOU9autgCqYaOiYcWyAIYj5vd/view?usp=sharing https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aMs5IWhZOU9autgCqYaOiYcWyAIYj5vd/view?usp=sharing As for the porn, have you tried doing the counter-intuitive thing and just letting yourself do it? Going crazy with no restraints? Sometimes the resistance adds fuels to the fire. Also, love the guilt when it arises and love the part of you that wants to revel in your own beautiful creation, experiencing it through the senses. Try that and Dr Joe's approach of visualising what you want into existence. A lot of this maybe familiar to you seeing as you follow Actualized.

Sounds like you have a long term goal so hang in there and keep your eye on the big picture, i.e your art. Also, consider finding a job that suits you more, if possible. Perhaps lone working somewhere. Night time security guard or something, where you can avoid listening to other people