Search the Community

Yes. I thought for a long time that the Absolute is maybe somehow "behind" space, or being bigger than the Visual Field (that was already at least sometimes nondual at that point in time). Or that it encompasses the visual field. At some points, it dawns on oneself that all of these "probings", attempts, investigations.... are just more arisings happening within you. And the space is imagined IN YOU. If you try to looke for this line, drawing this line, imagining this line, you imagine it WITHIN the space you imagine. It all appears or is being imagined. You will never find the Absolute in any object, any arising, any location. Any self, any appearance, any anything. But this process of "emptying out" everything, to fully BECOME it, to see each an any arising (thought, appearance, understanding, whatever,n+1) as arising in YOU, you have to become fully empty. Nothingness. But yet, that process has to be walked earnestly to the final end, and can not be shortcut. Also because the Absolute is also infinite, IN-FINITE. Nothing you can measure, find, define. Nothing finite. No arising/appearance, however subtle. Even formless arisings (thoughts, formless subtle level lightshow, whatever), are not it. Because IT is timeless. Always there. Formless arisings also come and go. Nice book on that topic: Szyper, Infinite Consciousness. And then, when You are fully empty, you can be fully everyting, nondual. A more concise formulation, and much more beautiful than my ramblings above: “We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.” ― Kalu Rinpoche Perfect. If the thinking can solve all open existential questions, you can rest in the Suchness that you are. Nonmeditation-Yoga. You cut off all separate self arisings in real time (since you are proficient enough in that "cutting off" immediately when these "thought-capsules" arise out of consciousness. They havent even been elaborated out, that comes later. Funny thing is, at some point you notice they emerge with the full content of the thought already "in there", and that gets elaborated later and more slowly. The Skill of Reckognition in Daniel Browns "Pointing Out the Great Way". Getting that high-speed cut-off in place triggered for me the step from just cutting thoughts/separate self arisings, aka emptying the mindstream while the "external" world is still solid & out there, to the visual field getting nondual, centerless, luminous mere appearance. So that transforms the Visual Field slowly to mere groundless appearances. You feeling localized ends, the localization dissolves. My theory for that (but I have no proof), is that the Endohuasca-System of the body gets activiated. To cut off efficiently all "Great Doubts/Questions", as I termed them for myself, like the questions above on the nature of space/time/separate self, you need to understand the answer and "how it works". Or you push through with Koan-Meditation concentration-style. That also works, but I feel very sure that this would have taken me 5-10 times longer, and would have been much much (!) more unpleasant. How to "finish" time Mahamudra/Pointing Out the Great Way Style, and end up at the so called "Always Here Mind", the eternal or rather timeless Infinite Consciousness, thats another topic. If you are interested let me know. That is described for example in the Yoga of Unelaboration Chapter of Pointing Out the Great Way. Assumption/Theory: Meditation-induced and body-produced Endohuasca (DMT, 5-MeO, ....): What I assume is that a certain level of proficiency of cutting/transcending of the "harder/deeper" searate self arisings, and the "hard/deeper" existential questions (like space/time/....), or transcending and letting them just play out, but being aware of them as objects, being able to cut them anytime, see their arisings out of consciousness, their flow with in, and their disappearance, triggers probably some kind of Endohuasca-System, your body producing similiar chemicals (DMT,5-MeO, MAO-Inhibitors....) that you can also trip with when supplying them externally. To trigger that means staying in full mindfulness for a long time, having taken the meditation off the pillow and not getting distracted. The effects are very similiar to Psychedelics (nonduality, luminous mere appearance, groundlessness of all appearance, Infinity, timelessness, even shutting off the separate self/Ego (although not completely mostly. Some quite subtle feeling/filters/lenses of perceptions of Individuality (sth watching sth.) often remain): https://dmtquest.org/endohuasca-magic/ and that gives you the multiple hundreds/maybe thousands of hours that one needs in the "nondual timless infinite mere appearance visual field state" to get aware of every last subtle separate self arising. But that can be done in everyday life, at least while not being distracted too much. Of course, getting previews by psychedelics to confirm that there is something to be reached, to get to know the Nondual Infinite Field of mere appearance, maybe even visiting the causal Whiteout-Godhead of Infinite Potential: Awesome. But probably will not suffice in most cases to get one "on the other side". Then, finally, at the very end, the separate self is just a very very subtle feeling of individuality. Body, Location, Duality, time, all have gone a long time ago. Its just an Infinity of groundless mere appearance visual field showing up, limitless, already nondual(!) and luminous/mere appearing. And "a" nothing that is only aware of that. Like nearly nothing at all. Very very subtle and murky. Roger Thisdells No-Self, stage 4. And then you are ready for the Big Bang, that then can happen all by itself. Sudden Awakening. One can not force it. Crossing over happens by itself, resting long enough in that state, and letting it ripen. If one wants to do that only by tripping... well, I never read from or about one case where Full Enlightenment/Realization actually worked. But maybe there are cases. It takes too much time to get rid of the last subtle veils of the separate self, and by tripping you can also be distracted by the show/understanding/whatever. It always reads like some separate-self elements still well and alive and not transcended, no fully empty "No-Self" having looked totally in to the Abyss of Nothingness,but having had the hell of an infinite nondual mere appearance experience of a (for sure) very interesting visual field bubble or God or Alien or I don't know what. Plenty of stuff in the Multiverse to explore and understand, especially considering that it goes upwards the Holon-Pyramid forever (Planet-Monad creating/maintaining all perspectives on it, Galaxy-Monad, Universe-Monad, Multiverse-Monad, n+1). And plenty of stuff of the properties of God to project on the remains of the separate self... You are very welcome. I believe there are two elements installed in the universe, in order to not give Maya every advantage (she already has enough): 1.The radiating bliss/love of the Realized Being. 2. Any separate self teaching "down from up high" with any "superiority-raditation", marveling at its own ingeniuty/superiority is normally just keeping the illusion going, because: If you are all, how can you be superior to anything? Compassion and humility, and helping "others" look around the next corner of their own path, is indicated. Not sustaining the illusion with "I see the Matrix", and its "Saul Goodman". Sorry And luckily, that attitude isn't very sexy for the fellow seekers, see point 2. above. On the other side, how are realized Dzogchen-Realizers depicted in Tibetan Buddhism: Radiating great humor. Why? Nothing "other" holy anywhere.... at least nothing where making jokes is forbidden. But not a condencending/superiority humor that has fallen in love with itself. Because what is there that a "you" could be "superior" to? Superior to another aspect of Your Own Being? Easy way to cut reality in two or create duality, so a rather not so smart idea.... To tell the difference between these two kinds of humors, the hard-wirings of humans are usually quite well calibrated. Selling Water by the River

Alright… today was pretty productive. I got the studio organized for my pops… He definitely is not going to work with the water company… lol… I guess he was talking with them two years ago. The ten year thing was the first leak and he got it fixed, but it started leaking again and he turned the main off and the water company was upset with him for doing that. They wanted him to leave it and they would turn it off. Because my dad turned it off they charged him a penalty so… he’s not ready to work with them still. I told him it be a whole lot easier to having running water… lol… but he’s making that call. Got a good start on the kitchen too. I feel like I don’t have a chance to share ceremony with my pops right now, so I can help him purge in other ways to set him up for success or at least comfort… at least an easier opportunity for him. I think he sees the benefits of having space and having things organized. It won’t take too long to get things setup nicely for him. I’m so appreciative of who he’s been for me and how he’s taught me… we’ve got a lot more experiences yet and I’m excited. I’m so grateful to have him as my pops. So yesterday I was messaging the guy who might be sharing ceremony with me. We were thanking each other for the great conversation. While I was at it I asked permission to discuss what we talked about and he said I’m more than welcome to. He was curious at which parts and I listed some but I told him about my Journal… sometimes I just like to just go with it so I might talk about more then what I listed… and he was fine with it. So again… it’s nice to process conversations and situations. We attracted each other to have a conversation so we’re helping each other learn something. So he likes to ask questions and get my opinion on it. He said he was talking to some guys who have similar situations during trips and wanted my thoughts about it. He said they’ve all shared having a feminine entity who comes into their experience and they seem to be the calming and nurturing mother type. With his particular experience he was nervous and this female comes out of a yellow grid pattern and was telling him to relax… there’s nothing to worry about. He said he calmed down but seemed to be lying down and he could see her next to him but then he saw three alien-like figures approach and he said they were upgrading his mind. He said he wasn’t anxious because he trusted her which led to trusting the three figures. He wanted to know if I had alien experiences similar to that. I said I have not directly encountered an alien before, but this universe is full of possibilities so I’m open to it. I know others that have experienced them and I also have a lot of males who mention a feminine figure in ceremonies. I asked him a question… where are you right now… do you think you are able to calm and upgrade yourself? Or are you at a point that looks for someone else to do this for you? He admitted that he looks for someone else. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but most of my ceremonies I feel like it’s myself who is helping me. But I do seem to give acknowledgement to infinite intelligence but that’s not necessarily a figure. So yeah most people assume shamans has spirits that appear to them. I do not have this happen to me. But what I was asking him… I wonder if he or other males don’t see themselves having a nurturing or motherly qualities in themselves. It may be easier to visualize a feminine who fulfills this for them instead of seeing themselves in this role. But he’s a father of three children with his youngest at age 16. He’s’ told me a few stories and I know he has these qualities but maybe because of how we were raised it’s hard to embrace having feminine qualities since he’s male. I obviously don’t know, but I wanted to give him a different perspective. I didn’t mention this in our conversation, but I remember in my second Aya ceremony… in ceremony I thought I was being possessed by either Gaia, Mother Earth or Madre Aya. At that moment I couldn’t imagine that I had the powerful qualities that I was experiencing. Again I was hearing the shamans and I was able to feel how and where to send my energies… a few times I even had an idea of what the guests were working on. There was one female and one male at different times was having issues with their physical appearance. I remember sending my support to them… lol… I was telling them they are so beautiful… inside and out.. but it doesn’t matter what we say… they’ve got to find that for themselves. But I was singing Icaros for the first time… I just was experiencing things that I never had before… so I assumed that I might be possessed. But after several ceremonies… I continue to have these qualities… I understood that I just was getting glimpses of talents or gifts that I didn’t know existed but they were awakened to me in ceremony and I was able to recontextualize that I wasn’t possessed… that was me. That’s my authentic self… I want to help, support, and send my love and energy to help assist in any way to support guests and whatever they are going through. It’s similar… I didn’t have a figure of a woman showing me.. it was me doing it and that’s why I assumed possession… lol. I guess I still feel comfortable saying infinite intelligence as it’s something other than me… but I still know I’m a part of this intelligence… so I’m not sure our relationship at this moment. But I also feel like infinite intelligence is very personal to me in ceremony so I also see it as my higher self. When I’m in ceremony… it’s as if it’s me helping myself and it’s just working at higher degrees than my current state. I mentioned the dream where I thought maybe I met my first spirit guide, but again the qualities and features I noticed… again my result was that was still myself. I’m not sure why we receive our own messages in different ways. I said maybe when it comes to his aliens helping him upgrade… again he might not have considered how extremely intelligent and unusual and beyond human he is and what he’s capable of doing… that it’s easier to give credit to something he assumes has those qualities such as aliens…. I don’t know but it is interesting. I know as I’m engaging in this Forum I’ve noticed that my communication wants to change to me inclusive instead of exclusive. I realized when I was giving advise… that I was giving myself the same advise but in a deeper level. Right we don’t actually ultimately know something… it continues to deepen in that knowing. So if there are aliens… I want to be able to have us be at a point where we’re inclusive. If they exist.. than they’ve already been in our universal existence. They already have been involved with how we have already been living… even though they might now be seen all the time. Right all the fish deep in the seas are still in our existence and is helping create this reality even though we don’t see them regularly. Same as bacteria and microorganisms. We are already part of this existence. Lol… hell I’ve had guests tell me that I’m an alien… so I might find out that I’m already an alien.. and the things I’ve been learning could be called alien-like… so who knows… but it’s very interesting. He also asked me a question about my thoughts on star children, start people or indigos. I told him I’ve heard of these labels, but what is his understanding. He usually laughs a bit because I have him clarify or define the words he uses… he says it looks like you know what I’m saying but you want to hear more before you answer. I will continue to tell him… my definition can vary from yours… so I want to make sure we’re talking about the same thing or something similar at least. He was struggling a little on how to describe it, but what he got to was that there are people who aren’t from Earth that is helping people awaken. He also mentioned that many start people usually has some type of educational deficiency when they were younger… maybe to put them on a hard road to overcome to be able to help others. He said that school couldn’t keep his attention, but when he moved to another school and he didn’t know anyone… he was making straight A’s… but when he started socializing it went back to not having any attention for school. Again I told him I don’t really have much direct experience with this. I have met people who say they are star people and I’m respectful to their identities. I mentioned I have had one vision… well honestly there’s been more then one… maybe a handful of times where I’ve seen figures that seemed to be shaped as human but their skin is full of galaxies and stars. I chuckled because the last time I had a vision of a star person they noticed that I saw them and then hid from me… lol… For a few days I was getting images of faces from people from different races, genders, ages… and I didn’t know what it meant. This would be the moments where I’m lying down to sleep and as I’m looking at the back of my eyelids… sometimes I get images or visions… sometimes its words or sometimes like a download as a sentence or two… plus it’s when I take the time to notice as well. One of the images there was an older lady with a short bob and straight silver hair… she had an unusual arm movement that I could remember that action. After thinking about it.. it seemed like she was pointing to me as if she recognized me… and I was thinking maybe there’s some action that I do that gets her to recognize me.. which makes her do this action and point to me. When I saw this star person I saw the figure walking in a row of a field like soybean or something… some low cut plants, but I saw a barn in the background. It seems like I was just hovering and observing them and then they looked up at me and noticed me looking…. And all of a sudden it drops to the ground and hides in the plants… lol… I got a download to find the teachers, even if they’re hiding… lol.. I also had an earlier download that said they maybe family, but that doesn’t mean you’ll agree… lol… This does not happen to me often… this was the first time when I was in isolation and I was trying to remember my dreams… I would literally hold a pencil in my hand on top of a notebook and when I’d get something I’d try to write it down…the next morning I’d have to go back and try to rewrite so it’s legible. I don’t know if this is going to lead to anything… but I did get the feeling that there are Awakened ones out there too… and it seemed like I was getting images of them.. and I might go and look for them so I can learn from them… and maybe see if they’d like to collaborate. I’m not sure but again… I find it interesting. I didn’t tell this guy all these details but I told him of seeing this star person… so again… I’m open to have it be true for me in my reality. But I also mentioned that I’m Awake and I didn’t have any troubles in school… lol.. I loved school so I said that we all have talents and gifts to share regardless of our backgrounds. That also makes me want to comment on the whole Dali Lama thing going on… he has so much to share and teach but maybe he’s not the one to go to… to learn about sexuality… lol…. He doesn’t have much direct experience with different degrees of dealing with sex. Just because he doesn’t know much about sexuality shouldn’t defame him and all he’s been able to create in our world. I feel that’s why I’m so curious to meet more people who are Awake, but honestly they don’t even have to be Awake… but I love to learn… and I know there is so much I don’t know… I want to meet people who have been interested in other areas I haven’t been introduced to. What would it be like for everyone to nurture their gifts, talents, and interests to their full potential individually.. but when they engage with someone else with different qualities.. I feel it will elevate because of the differences or another perspective… lol So I was telling him I needed time to process and integrate… I mentioned I was doing this Journal. I was telling him that I had a fear that I didn’t know was there when it came to sharing ceremony. I went through these sexual experiences this last time that really made me uncomfortable to head right back into ceremony, because I didn’t want similar situations to come up and for me to respond the way I did. I know if I can work it out and integrate… I’ll be able to respond in a manner that’s respectful for my guests and also myself. So I went into the whole ceremonies and also the struggle of masturbation… so I want to be autosexual at this time. He was chuckling at me because he said he would have never assumed that I would have any issues with that. I told him… how can you tell whether someone has those types of issues? I’m confident and I enjoy sexual banter and flirting… but that doesn’t stop my mind from creating a mental block to masturbate and orgasm naturally and freely. I told him… I’m not a man, but I can assume that he has never had issues of masturbating and ejaculating. In my mind I’d think once a young boy notices that stroking his penis is pleasurable… that they just continue to play until they ejaculate… and then that’s it… they’re on it and it’s easy. Now with so many individuals that occupy this world I cannot say its easy for every male, but in general it may be fair to say that it’s fairly easy. He said yes… he’s never had problems in these areas. That’s when he mentioned the 45 year woman who was admitting something similar to the issues I am having. I said I can’t speak for all women, but I know I’ve spoken to other women who have had issues too… so for us who have issues… it’s not easy to touch ourselves and result in orgasm. In fact it was uncomfortable to find touching myself as something natural. For me it was secretive and rushed as if I shouldn’t be doing it. Also I wanted it to be natural for me… so I placing a mask over myself. While we were talking I also thought there might be something that seems obvious to me, but maybe not obvious for men is the fact… they are the penetrators. I said again I’m assuming and I’m not speaking from everyone’s opinion… but do men ever ask how it feels to be able to trust and surrender for someone to enter them? Many men I know wants control… so I’d assume to trust and surrender would be a challenge for them. Well that’s what I have to do to allow someone to have sex with me. We were both laughing because… it’s not like I trust every male I just meet and I say ok… I’m ready to be penetrated now. I was casual with sex but not for that long, because I needed a relationship to be built to make it comfortable enough to share sex. I would even get curious of how penetration would feel like… again it’s not like it’s normal to penetrate myself but I would sometimes use my fingers to rub and circle their anus. I wasn’t just going for it, but I want to observe if they feel comfortable with me just touching. Sometimes I would mention if they would like me to try it and they said they prefer me not to. Maybe if they allowed me they would get a sense of how it feels to be penetrated…lol… it may be pleasurable… at least let’s give it a try… lol. I have penetrated myself and it’s pleasurable… some of my partners are really experienced and good… and I haven’t figured out what the difference is but the fact it’s someone else is involved with me. He was telling me he was trying to approach his partners differently and that’s when he ran into being in the friend zone for the first time. We didn’t discuss it but if he’s being open and honest with his potential partners then he’s having a conversation that he doesn’t want to only have sex with the women. That’s the thing wherever we are at… we can find someone who’s at that same mindset if we’re open and honest about it. So he wasn’t trying to have only sex with her… she has to tell him where she’s at as well… at least she has a chance to agree to this or not. If she’s not looking for sex only too… then I can assume she wants to build a relationship. I’m not sure exactly what happened between them, but it seemed like they had great conversations but he felt like she didn’t want to have a sexual side to their relationship… so he said he had to let her know it wasn’t working for him. I laugh because… I’ve already friend-zoned him too. Everyone starts at the friend-zone now… lol… I told him I’m literally trying to popularize the friend zone… if I’m going to engage in a sexual relationship… I want to know who the hell I’m dealing with… lol… and I want them to know who they’re dealing with too. We’ve got to build a relationship because if it’s not based on sex then we have to know how to talk and engage in activities that we both find interesting… lol.. I told him about my style of Journaling… it can seem like it’s all over the place and can be assumed as chaotic… but eventually I assume people can glimpse the clarity of who I am through this style. But if they read my Journal… they have to go through that experience. I’m not a direct communicator in my Journal… so they have to work a little bit to get to understand me. That’s what happens in an intimate relationship with me too. If he doesn’t want to take time to get to know me… then it’s not going to be a fit. I asked if there was anything about her that he didn’t like or found unappealing to him. He laughed because it was just the fact he wasn’t having much sex with her. Well you say you want to have different types of relationships but you’re expecting this relationship as the same as your past. If it’s new… the results and the approach will have to change… lol… he said yes but he didn’t know it was going to be that much difference… lol… well… you know where you are and what you’re looking for. You can continue to approach this new desire for a new type of relationship… then you’re going to have to open yourself up to a new ways of connecting. He said he’s sick of having sex and just staring at the ceiling afterwards… lol… many of the women doesn’t have conversations he enjoys… or they didn’t establish a relationship to a point where they were uncertain what to do when they were finished having sex with each other. I can use this advise that I gave him about having a new approach…. I’ve already been questioning my habits of thought when I go to masturbate… I’m trying a new approach but I don’t know if I know new techniques to try… hmmm…. I’ll have to see. Shit are there pornography on how to masturbate… lol… maybe that’s an option.. lol.. i don’t know, but I’m curious. I don’t think I’m at that point yet, but I could probably get there if I need to… lol… but I know it’s my mind… it was my conditioned mind that was stopping me… that’s where I have to put the focus on how to relax it enough… I know I will get there. In many ways I’m trying to get the masculine and feminine to attract each other. Again I’m a hopeful romantic and so I continue in different ways to close this distance that seems to been created in our society. In my experience I’ve been trying to embrace both my femininity and masculinity… understand the balance that fits me. I can generally speak about the women around my age is learning to embrace their masculinity too. Some may even take it to extremes because it’s common for the pendulum to swing too far when they are making adjustments… but I see more of the youth more comfortable with expressing both their masculinity and femininity… which I feel is a good thing. It’s when people put their judgements on what they think they should be doing and how they should be doing it does it create toxicity. I know many people who complain about the youth, but the youth that I speak with… I’m hopeful… lol… not that they don’t have a lot to learn, but they’ve got great intelligence and I can find deeper conversations with the youth then I can with some of the elderly or my age. Existence is continually increasing consciousness… and I can see it in my experiences. But it’s not they’re turn to be in leadership roles right now… So if they are patient they won’t have to defend or question themselves as much. I’d love for them to gain enough consciousness to trust their individuality… if that causes people to get triggered… good… there is something that needs to be addressed and worked through… lol… I’ve tried to stop triggering people but I guess that’s just how it works right now… I’m not trying to trigger anyone, but if it happens… there’s a lesson to be learned by the person who is being triggered. I used to try to appease people’s feelings, but if that leads me to be untrue to my authenticity… then I’m going to be me and whatever happens happens. I know I’ll continue to be a better communicator to even warn them that my response may trigger you or rub you the wrong way… but that’s not my intention. My intention is to be true to me and respect you… and if it happens to differ then we can continue the conversation without shutting down or creating walls. Lol… I’m not sure who I hear this from, but I believe it’s one of the tarot readers say… rejection is your protection…lol… if there is a wall that goes up… then that’s a good time to go in a new direction. Doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way, but for now that is the case…lol So I’m supposed to be meeting with the other gentleman who wants to share ceremony with me. I’m hoping his wife will be there too. She was there when we met in person the first time. He and I have been texting since briefly but I thought it beneficial to have them both involved. I’ve been checking up on them on social media and it looks like he’s doing really well. I’m excited and curious how our conversation will go. I’m sure I’ll be talking about this Journal… lol.. so I’ll remember to ask permission to discuss our conversation before I head out. But yeah this seems like a good stopping point.

@Yimpa What about Infinity of Alien Consciousness? Extremely different degrees and qualities of Alien Consciousness. We can go forever into this... and all and all. Consciousness is insane.

Alien Consciousness > Leo Gura

@Leo Gura Are you accessing Alien Consciousness everyday?

What the "bottom" or Absolute is, is pretty clearly defined. Absolute Reality itself, with the potential to switch off the show, and still be there. That you and everbody can potentially realize, because you are it. Then you can have for sure many many understandings on how the whole show works, how Reality/God works, how this and any other dimension works, on what God/Reality can do, ... , n+1. Which you can go on exploring when you are either a) fully resting in your True Being also in daily life, having no filters/lenses/not transcended separate self elements not already seen though, and having cut off suffering and getting bliss directly from the Source. The last "filter/separate self-element" by the way is "a" fully empty nothing (not Nothingness), "watching" the Infinity, "being aware" of it, but not fully being it at the core: A transparent feeling of Individuality (which already has no form, is empty, you are already nothing you can point to at this stage), the last remnants of it, already nondual and the visual field fully mere appearance. But that last filter-elements is precicly what prevents getting the "thing" stable in daily life. And I bet an experience of the nondual field, or even of the Infinite Godhead, is "coloured" and experienced through that last very subtle filter. b) go on exploring having had experiences of the Absolute, and still some filters/lenses/not transcended separate self elements intact (in these experiences) and of course also in daily life, where exactly these filters/lenses/not transcended separate self element prevent: 1) realizing the Absolute without a bias (that is when the Absolute gets more properties than it really has. Because any property would limit it. Nothingness Halaw-style) 2) more important: not being able to be the nondual/groundless/mere appearing reality in everday life, and of course not getting the flow of bliss from "there" which then replaces the suffering of the separate self elements. These last filters/building blocks of the separate self are very subtle, very tricks, extremely fast occuring. You need to be very fast in spotting them, and letting them flow through you and not watching through these filteres/lenses, and you need to be very familiar with them. I am convinced, that most people need hundreds of hours (at that phase already off the pillow in daily life) to get familiar and fast enough to let these lenses/filters of the last separate self building blocks flow through them (similiar to any other object) , and not look through them as lense/filter. If you look through them, it kills the state of nonduality and the world being a dreamlike mere appearance mirage, floating in groundless Nothingness (These states by the way is what you also can get with Psychedelics). If you transcend these separate-self-building blocks/filters/lenses/contractions(!), probably the endogenous DMT-System of the body starts producing some kind of Endo-Huasca cocktail, see the fascinating research of https://dmtquest.org/questions-for-the-lion-tamer-1/ , especially chapter Chapter 24 – Endohuasca Magic. Your own illegal psychedelics factory in your body . Shortform of the above: a) Fully realize your True Nature (indicator: no more suffering-cycles in daily life) and then go exploring/understanding the manifestation and manifestation mechanism of reality and Reality or b) go exploring before the bliss of a) is in place. Both paths are valid, path b) can lead to path a) and non-suffering in daily life if done correctly (maybe with a bit meditation of the efficient variety added). Of course, the path a)-variety of ~98%+ of the Spiritual Marketplace doesn't work. I can fully understand Leos dislike of selling the weak soup of just No-Ego/No-Person or an "Enlightened Person (cringe) having Nonduality and perceiving themselves to be that", but that is another topic.... I have never questioned path b). I just question giving path b) a higher value and meaning than path a). For me, that is a bit like voluntarily hitting your knee with a hammer, and calling that superior than hitting the nail, and repeating it. Sorry, love ya all.... ( : I only wonder why anybody would call path b) with suffering "higher", and all paths a) "crap" and inferior. The state-highs and wonderful experiences delivered by understanding reality/God in my opinion only ease the pain of the remaining separate self suffering cycles. Yet, these Insights/Understanding-experiences are for sure truly wonderful and marvelous, probably the most beautiful experiences one can have, savored by highly developed souls which are attracted by such sublime experiences/understandings. But still: Caveat Emptor. But hey, what do I know? NOTHING . On good days a bit of NOTHINGNESS . And "I" love it, and IT loves me. . And I am fully open on the understanding and exploring of path b). Fully. Let's see what kind of alien stuff the brave and ingenious psychonauts drag home. I really look forward and am very curious. Selling Water by the River PS: Please don't beat me with the Broomstick . But I would be really curious on a substantial feedback from Leo. Thanks!

I agree; it seems that we over sexualise everything these days. But maybe it is because we have never spoken about sex and sexuality openly and now all is coming up to the public debate. It probably gonna get worse before it gets better. I don't know much about children development, but I believe that grounding, structure and a firm sense of reality is needed for a child in his/her early age until a person can explore alternatives freely when the time is right; and this time may be different for each individual. Maybe we need to create that space where a person explores themselves non judgmentally, but at the moment is is clear that progressives try to impose their agenda with this craze of 100 identities. I don't know, it seems that maybe in a hundred years we'll all be freely f@king each other in groups men and women and trans and maybe some alien species, and such thing as gay will be gone hahah Maybe we need to break old structures to create something new. I have varied feelings and opinions on this topic.

Alright so I’m here in the laundry mat doing a load… I’ve been here quite a bit since I’ve been at my pops… it reminds me of what I do while I’m waiting here… lol… when I first started coming I was taking Polynesian dance and I was practicing my Hawaiian routines and also my Tahitian practices… Most of the time I would be by myself, but there was a Hispanic family that would be there from time to time… I’m not sure if we just had the same schedule but I think they were here three times as I was… I’d always be dancing when they arrive… sometimes I would take a break and other times I’d just keep on dancing… They would make a comment how they like my style of dancing. Right now there’s a group of kids who are walking around enjoying the weather… they’re in here to grab some snacks. I took a little walk after I loaded the washer to pick up some more pipe tobacco because it’s only about three blocks down. I love walking… and it’s been such a long time here… I’d like to take more walks especially since the weather is so nice… it’s in the low 70s. One other memorable moment I had in a laundry mat was when I was visiting American Samoa with my mom. We’re from a village at the very end of island but she needed to run into Pago-Pago. (Lol… what a sweetie… one of the little boys got a treat and said he’s going to be short money to grab a drink. I told him I had 50 cents to spare him. Well he came back and gave me the change because he didn’t need all of it.) But while we were in Pago-Pago we ended up doing laundry… I remember we had a lot of it… so I’m pretty sure we grabbed loads from the family too. But there was a woman in there with us. I can’t remember my age but I was still in high school. She’s Caucasian and you don’t run into other Caucasians much on the island. She probably didn’t think I was Caucasian but when I started talking she put things together. Anyway, She lived on a sailboat with her husband. And they would travel around to different Polynesian islands and spend time on them. I wish I would meet her again because I’d have better questions to ask her… lol… but that did always stay in my memory and perked my curiousity… what would that be like to mostly live on a boat in the ocean without land? I’m not sure if I’d like to live that way permanently or anything… but I could see being able to try if for 6 months up to a year probably. I’ve never sailed before but I’d learn just to try it out. I did meet a cool guy who sails between the Asian islands. His heritage is Taiwanese. I told him that I’d love to hang out with him for a month or two to help him out and learn. We met through Couchsurfer and I believe he has many friends that’s joined him on his boat. I’ve met the most interesting people through Couchsurfer… since the pandemic it’s a little strange to use Couchsurfer but i hope it normalizes enough through the world that it comes back strong… because they are great people to have conversations with and to explore the area with. I met the guy traveling in Sydney and I asked him how can I get a sailboat ride around the harbor… he told me of a dock to go and just ask around… lol… surprisingly enough I didn’t give it a try. There was another Couchsurfer I was meeting up with who also lives on a sailboat. We had been communicating for months before I arrived to Australia to get to know each other more before we met face to face… but before I arrived his boat was wrecked, so we still hung out but I didn’t get a chance to sail. My exe-stepmom actually had thought about having a family building vacation where I guess the family learns how to work as a team sailing for a week or two… I thought it would be a great idea but it didn’t follow through. Even the little mountain village has classes to learn on a solo sailboat and I didn’t take advantage of it. But it’s still in the back of my mind of things I’m going to do. I try to line it up but I can’t force it… I know when I get the opportunity it will be the perfect situation for me and most likely the perfect person to teach me how to sail. I think because of my Samoan heritage I have a deep seed that this will be something I’ll love to do and be maybe even a natural at it in a way… i don’t know. My family does a lot of long boat races… I’ve seen videos but I haven’t actually watched it myself, but our little village is pretty tough competitors out the island. Many on the island are very competitive…. Lol… I remember joining a picnic or some type of gathering where there were tons of Samoans in Hawaii… I went to go play a little bit of volleyball. There were all age ranges and so I thought it was just going to be a casual game… lol… hell no! There was an older lady who couldn’t move to far but when the ball came to her which I mean they would set her up and she would rocket that ball across the net… lol… I was like damn… this is no joke… and of course I love that. It hard for me to find games of volleyball… I love it so much! I love that the villages in Peru play volleyball too, but they have people pay to play. I get they want to be competitive but really do they have the extra money to be betting on volleyball.. lol… I’d definitely just play for fun and it can still be competitive… and of course I’d like to have them play by more organized rules… there’s hardly anyone rotating around so really the good players are the ones who are active and the players who need more experience isn’t get the chance…. Lol… anyway… I’ve got three minutes left on the dryer. I’m going to go outside and take a break. This will be a good spot to break until I return home and continue again. Oh… I woke up around 8am which was good… I was going through my clothes trying to decide what I’m keeping… I ended up taking a nap… lol… so I’m uncertain if I’ll be able to sleep at the same time I went to bed last night… lol… I’ve been thinking about what I want to write about the ceremonies… there was a lot I was holding on to and I’m thankful I’ve been given this opportunity to have a better understanding why I was holding onto it and why i was feeling uncomfortable, but why I’m ready to purge it out as well. So I got back to the house and went outside to see what my dad was doing. I can see he’s happy with the weather changing. He’s been trying to create a garden and fruit orchard-ish… I think he might’ve started about six years ago… slowly but surely he started planting more fruit trees and building areas to plant vegetables. I noticed one of the trees were really blooming when I drove up so I asked him about it. I’ts his “bad” peach tree he said… i laughed and asked why is it “bad”. He said because last year the fruits didn’t mature… they wouldn’t grow and they wouldn’t rippen… it wasn’t until late in the season did they finally rippen but they were still small. He had a crazy amount of peaches last year from his other trees. So much he was having to give a lot of them away and he puréed a ton and froze them. He’s too funny with his trees… he’s had kids come and pick fruit in the past. They left a trail of uneaten or a few bites of the fruit, but it left a trail to their home which is only two houses downs… lol.. my dad was trying to see what he should do about it. He doesn’t mind if they take a few but the took the entire remaining fruit. So he said he’s going to hire them to guard the tree… lol… He said he’ll give them fruit but maybe they won’t take them all next time. There’s been people who drove up and taken a lot of his cherries one year… he’s trying to figure out how to stop the birds and squirrels and even the ants in his strawberries. When he told me about the ants and strawberries I said I’d love to make a kid’s book maybe a pop up where my dad would actually be the bad guy.. lol.. I was joking with him, but i told him he’s got a lot of fruit.. it’s ok if they take some. He said it’s not consistent yet… one year he’ll have one fruit do well and the next year a different one. But it’s still funny to hear how he talks about them. I was here last year when he caught the squirrel taking his last few apples. He thought is was someone coming and picking them… he said how in the world do they have the nerve to come into the yard and take fruit when there’s hardly any on the tree… it’s obvious I’m waiting for them to mature more before picking them. He was sitting outside reading… and there he saw the squirrel come from a tree and climb right up and pluck one to start eating. He complained they don’t even wait until they’re ripe… lol… last year he ordered some bees to help the pollination process. He was excited but he was watching them through the yard and he said he doesn’t think they even care about his fruit trees… lol… he said there’s other bees but they’re not his bees. He did share a little honey he poured out the back when I arrived and it was very tasty. But he was worried about them through the winter. I told him they should know what to do, but he was still worried. Now that it’s starting to be spring weather… we’ve noticed bees a little bit. I actually helped two bees today to get back outside… we’ve been going in and out of the house today and so they come in through the doors. But we havn’t seen any activity from his bees. We’re afraid they didn’t make it. I’m not sure how it all goes, but I told him give it another week maybe they’re still in hibernation. I went ahead and looked up how to pollinate fruit trees by hand… and so he’s going to do it himself if he doesn’t see any bees or flies out there soon. The one peach tree is the only one really blooming… a few cherry blossoms are coming on his bing cherry tree… but there’s buds on everything. I hope it goes well for him this year, but I have to admit when he complains it’s usually pretty funny. I’ve been talking to him about his relationship and I can see and he has admitted that he’s much happier here in his little world then living with her and her family where he felt like he was out of place. He’s got his projects he’s working on that keeps him busy and I think I can get him a bit organized and clean up the house and he’ll be fine. I ask him if he’s happy and he responds… well I’m not unhappy… lol… that used to bug me, but my dad is happy for him… he’s happy and I’m glad I’ve got to spend this time with him. So I was going through my clothes and I think I’ve got it narrowed down as far as I can for now. I grabbed a suitcase to see if I can fit everything in it and I can. I know when I leave next I’ll go back and weed through a few more items. It’s the whole warm weather and cold… I don’t always know where I’m going so I like to have both available… lol… I also have fun outfits to wear to nice events and then I have scrubby clothes to work in… lol… so when I decide what’s going down I’ll finish it then. Oh my goodness… my cat got out the window last night. I usually talk to him in the mornings.. usually he’s not too far away, but this morning I couldn’t find him. I’ve actually traveled enough with him and we’ve run into situations where he doesn’t seem to be in the house anymore.. lol… he’s a curious George… so I don’t freak out like I once did. I went outside to yell for him and he was there hiding on the porch.. there’s a couch out there and he was hiding there… lol… i brought him inside but I left the door open to see if he wanted to go back out again. I told him I don’t mind if he goes out during the day, but at night I’m not going to hear him when he wants to come back in… lol.. Animals have been great at showing me triggers to work on… lol… when I first started meditating I thought I’d have to sit there with my eyes closed and I had a roommate who had a little Jack Russell dog, Rico… he was awesome, unfortunately he’s passed now, but he would take advantage of when I was meditating. He would put his paws on my chest and just lick my face. There were several techniques I would use but one was to just accept and not move… don’t move a muscle… lol… and so he’d just continue to lick because I didn’t stop him… lol… but yes this Elvis boy while we’re traveling oh my goodness… So I started training him to go outside and that was funny watching myself hovering over him being so protective. And slowly getting myself to just let him go without me watching him. At first Elvis would come back to me when I called his name… it was too cute because he’d be hopping out of the tall grass coming to get some lovin from me. But now he doesn’t do that…lol… of course when we’re at places we aren’t supposed to stay long at. There’s been several locations where we extended the stay because he got out and then hid until I found him. It’s always worked out… usually I’d do something not expected or meet people unexpectedly if we left I wouldn’t have those opportunities, but still… it would be nice for him to come hopping to me like he once did when I called his name… lol… he’s been so happy to just relax all this time without moving so much. When I took him to Peru he did well at the center because we were there for three months. We stayed at the restaurant for a month, but then we did a roadtrip down the coast into Arequipa, to Cusco, and then Limatambo and back to Lima… lol… we were moving around a lot and that was tough. Of course I want him to continue traveling with me… and I’m trying to figure out how to make it easier for him and myself… so I keep thinking of how to do that. Again thinking about that camper still… It’s a challenge to find cat-friendly places… they may say pet-friendly but they’re really saying dog-friendly. If he had the camper then it won’t feel like he’s always switching places and trying to find new hiding spots at each location… lol… he’d have his own place and the outside would change on him. When we’re by ourselves camping he loves to go explore and I don’t mind when there’s not traffic around. Now that I’ve been taking him with me… it’s hard for me to even think of not taking him with me. I’ve only found a few cat lovers like myself… lol… there’s a dieta I would like to do but it’s pretty hard core, and I’m uncertain if he’d allow my cat to join me. That’s actually why I’ve looked for alternatives but I’d really like to do dieta there.. it’s the mapacho dieta… he takes it seriously compared to other mapacho dietas I’ve looked into. He even gives you the supplies to make your own pipe which I love that! It’s hard core because I’d be pretty much locked up in my own space… what I understood he’ll slide my food in through a gap… I’m not sure how to use the bathroom… lol… but I would like to try it out, but I’d like to have Elvis with me too… lol… when I’ve left for the weekend he’s so relieved to see me. He’s the kind that stops eating because I’m not around… Maybe I’m getting him too dependent on me? We’re still trying to figure it out… lol So… again I’ve been thinking about what and where I’m heading with this Journal… i did wake up this morning and I had those questions going on in my head from last night… where is it? (Not having success quoting this on the IPad, but it’s me words anyway, right… lol) Thinking the way I do… is this trying to interfere somehow? Thinking like this is it saying that I don’t trust the perfection that already exists? I woke up telling myself, I just want to Love… I’m not interfering… it’s not that I don’t trust existence… isn’t perfect for existence to allow these ideas. I think I just want to try to do it all but I don’t need to… I just need to follow my heart and whatever that leads to is perfect… I know there’s not a time limit…. Lol… is always is so I’ve got plenty of time to do what I want to…lol So my thoughts I’m processing at this time is all this frustration I had about myself not learning quickly enough and I didn’t know my frustration was tied to my own embarrassment, shame, and guilt that I carry because I didn’t know better. And it seems like I’m processing a lot but there’s this sexual side to me that I haven’t been working through enough… I know I need a lot of work and I’ve been doing a lot of work on it. And when it came through ceremonies I was comfortable when it was just me dealing with it, but when others were involved I’d feel like I wasn’t prepared or ready to deal with it. I’d almost wish I wasn’t being put in those situations, but again technically I get placed into those situations to learn and so I’m going to keep going through the process because that’s where I am and this process has been really helping me out. I keep jumping around but I guess this well help with deteriorating a linear view of a perspective of time… lol… early my second round of ceremony came up… so this would be almost four years ago. It would be a year after my first rounds. Geesh! I don’t know what I’ve all shared by now… I know I’ve been vomiting all over this Journal… lol.. but this is my process so let’s keep it up… I think I have to start from the flight going to Peru So I hadn’t really been traveling much at this time… but I did have a long layover in Florida so I thought why don’t I leave the airport for the lay-over… so I checked to see if I could get to the ocean… there were bus routes that could get me there. So I decided I’ll go ahead and try it out. Now I did notice that one of the guys on my flight got onto the same bus as I did, but when he got off at the same spot as I did… did we start talking. It was really early and hardly anyone was out at this time. So we asked each other if we planned on going to the beach and we were. We found out that we both started in Denver flew to Florida, both decided to go hangout at the beach before our flight to Lima… so we were both going to Lima. I was heading to the jungle for ceremonies and he was heading to Cusco to run extreme hiking and climbing adventures. I told him I plan on going to Cusco later and maybe we can meet up. Well we didn’t make that decision right then… but after we hung out did we decide to do that because he was so much fun. We were not the only ones at the beach we found a gentleman there all suited up in a wetsuit coming out of the water. He stopped to chat with us.. He noticed we were traveling and we were there on our layover. He asked us where we were going and we both said Peru…he said no way… my son is traveling Peru right now… which city? I said Iquitos and the man said that’s where my son is… I asked if his son planned on participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies or not. He said he’s been volunteering at little villages and hadn’t planned on it, but since he’s been there… there so much talk about it that he was thinking about trying it. The father asked me if it would be possible for his son to join my retreat. I said I don’t know I’d have to start asking but I can definitely meet him when I arrive.. talk to the facilitators and his son and see what we can do. Well.. his son joined us and there were seven of us this time going out on the retreat not including the retreat’s staff. The staff was almost the same except a new cook, and one of the facilitators was new to me, but I guess she’s usually the one that does the retreat.. the girl who was with us last year was filling in that one and only time. Since I’m really comfortable with the staff and they knew how close I got to the shamans last year they let me ride with them this year… it was great! We all had different fruits on us and were sharing with one another.. lol… but I’m going into this second round wide-eyed and bushy tailed because I was expecting a similar situation as last year. Last year was absolutely phenomenal and was a huge peak in my life’s journey. Well…lol.. I’ll just go ahead and say it… it wasn’t alike at all… lol… I was pretty much the black sheep. This was really the first time I can remember where most of the people I am spending time with me did not want me to be there… lol… it was very tough, but it was a great opportunity to learn… lol… I can laugh now because looking back at it… there’s a lot of distance and I’ve been through so many ceremonies and experiences since then that it’s going to be a little challenging to remember everything… in fact it was a time I was trying to forget…so we’ll see how it goes. It was everyone’s first time except for me. Again I knew the staff and had established a good rapport with them. At that time I was in a group chat with our first group which included the male facilitator which was at both of my retreats. But the family that was there had two children was there, but the daughter was in school this time. But anyway.. I felt like it’s my Aya familia…. And very confident.. but maybe I was too confident I don’t know, but thankful they had met me before because throughout the retreat they really helped support me because again I was the black sheep of the group. How did I become the black sheep we many wonder… well there was a couple there along with singles. When the facilitators go through the spiel they warn people that people get naked sometimes… but they also mention all kinds of stuff. They asked me if I had anything else to add… and I did notice that they were assuming that most people would have a hard time in ceremony, and I said with my last experiences I didn’t have a hard time so just be open to whatever comes because we just don’t know. That reminded me of why I probably go into a huge spiel myself with my guests now because I’ve had the entire gambit being thrown at me during ceremony so try not to have any expectations before going in. I’m not sure if I said it to them, but I knew at that time whatever happens in ceremony is suppose to happen… lol… well I definitely did not expect that I’d be the one getting naked on the first ceremony… lol… again funny now but then… not so funny. Oh and I had suggested doing all the ceremonies in the back maloka instead of the front one where there’s light that comes through. The staff and the guests seemed to not have a problem with that and so we went. So what can I remember of the first ceremony? I remember I had a spot where I always went to last time. They had let people paint on the floors and there was a spot that had a simple sun painted there and so that’s where I’d place my mat and that was my spot for ceremony. So when ceremony began… I felt myself wanting to help like I did the first rounds, but not as strong. If I can look at it in retrospect most of these guests were walled up… I mean they were not as trusting as the first group. Again I had seven come to my visions on the first ceremony… so there was a large size there to receive and not have their walls up. But again…. I didn’t realize this going into ceremony. The husband was lying next to me and he was before me in the shamans rotation. I found myself getting up and sending more energy towards the male shaman as he was working on him. I could see the shaman a little nervous with me standing up beside him… so I made my way back to my mat and continued. I was ready for him when it was my turn. Again I don’t know if I just tried to forget these ceremonies but I’m having trouble remembering as much as I did for the first round.. but I remember it was right away addressing my spiritual lover… I felt like there might be even a chance he would magically appear there… lol… I knew I was getting excited… I remember hearing his laughter… there are moments where ceremony is waiting for you to notice something and i’m sitting here thinking… holy shit is he here? Lol… I remember the female shaman coming to me and it continued with more messages about him… this time my thoughts turned more sexual… oh yeah… I remembered for the first ceremony I had worn clothes that i bought from the shamans last year and also wore some jewelry from them. I was with her and I was getting a message of me not having to prove myself to them… they already know how grateful I am to have their guidance. I felt like I was being fake for some reason having these jewelry items on… that I didn’t need to have this display… i was ripping off my bracelet and necklace… I think i was trying to unlatch the necklace and couldn’t and I literally broke it while i was tearing it off of me. That’s when I started getting messages about my spiritual lover… I was getting messages that I should be proud of my beauty and myself… I have nothing to be ashamed of… I remember thinking to myself oh my miss shamana… thinking about the female shaman… you’re naughty… I was getting up to my feet and spinning around and I was thinking to myself holy shit… I’m about to strip these clothes off and I was telling myself how naughty she is… lol… and I like to be naughty too… lol… I felt like I was not afraid to be naked at this time… it felt liberating and I was dancing on my mat and the shamans continued their rounds and I remained in my own space not worrying about helping them by sending my energies… I was in my own space… and it just continued with sexuality… I remember saying that I’ve been such a good girl this year… I had been abstinent for around 8 months by now… and that might’ve been the longest time without having sex since my first time losing my virginity. So yeah at that time it felt like a long time… lol… I won’t go into details but for awhile I was seducing my spiritual lover… and I know I was saying his name and talking to him… let’s say a bit dirty, a bit teasing, but no doubt i couldn’t wait to see him again… lol… well sexuality did not leave my session… I was sitting there and listening to ceremony and was thinking about the facilitator and shaman relationship… I was wondering really if the shamans think it’s best to not have sex or was that a western view about it… I was getting the feeling if I’m here wanting to learn more about sex… maybe everyone here wants to learn about sex? Lol… I’m always wanting to learn… so I thought if I had an opportunity to learn about sex then hell yeah… i need it and I’m open to it… lol… I even remember always talking out loud… I said I wonder how the male facilitator would be like… what would he be able to teach me…. Lol… and actually I’ve never been with a woman before… what would the female facilitator be able to teach me? I know they could hear me, but I didn’t care… I was curious and entertaining ideas of how I could learn more… I was laying there wondering if everyone here needs work with their sexuality and here’s where I completely go wrong… lol… again it’s funny now because in a sober state I’m just like what the hell was I thinking? but then, not funny or appropriate…. Up until now… everyone was fine because I was in my own space… I end up rolling over a few times until I reach the husband… and I ask him if he’s interested in learning more about our sexuality? I said this would be the perfect time if he wanted to… geesh!!! I can’t explain how much I just want to learn and I wasn’t thinking how this would be interpreted by anyone except for myself… i was in deep… but he apologized to me and said he was not interested in learning with me and I should get back to my mat. I asked him if he’s sure… I think I ran a finger down his chest even… and I said ok then… I tried to make it back to my mat but something happened and I remember he was calling to the shamans and the facilitators to come and help… and then the female shaman starting pouring liquid into my mouth… I remember it was really spicy tasting and it shocked me out of my state… she was holding my head in her lap and she was combing my hair out of my face… being very gentle with me. The facilitators helped me back onto my mat and I think I just fell asleep after that. And then I wake up. Completely embarrassed… I knew what I did was going to cause a shit show and I also knew that I was being inappropriate with the facilitators too. So I make it to the river to swim like I normally do when I’m there and to breakfast… it wasn’t too bad at that time because I don’t think the couple was there eating with us. It was time to go share our experiences with the group… and the wife walks in furious and the husband following… both of them were not happy and she couldn’t stop her rage against me. I could completely understand why she was upset but I also wish she could try to see my perspective of it, but that was not going to happen. She outright demonized me… I was satan and that everyone needs to stay away from me because I’m sick. She wanted to leave the retreat because she doesn’t feel safe having me around. No one should listen to anything I have to say… I was the devil. She said she didn’t even get into ceremony and she could hear everything going on. The husband was upset because she was upset, but he said he wasn’t angry with me, but he did think I was sick and wished I get the help I needed. Again… thankful the facilitators were there and they deal with many situations that arise in group ceremony sessions. They’ve dealt with people getting naked, but normally it’s men who do. Yes they agreed I should’ve stayed on my mat, but they continued saying she didn’t force herself on him… she was trying to get permission and once he said no…she was heading back to her spot… so she wasn’t trying to be aggressive. I was trying to put a few sentences here and there to tell my point of view… I even mentioned if she could hear everything… then she knows who I was really wanting to learn with… Most of my time was in ceremony with the man I wish i was learning my sexuality with. But she did not want to listen. And I respected her and her husband and I was hardly to be found in the public spaces. I’d eat, share during our recollection of our experiences, and ceremony together. I’d spend my time alone or visiting the staff. The male facilitator was joking with me… he said do you remember what you were saying in there? I laughed and apologized… I remember a lot but not everything… he said my spiritual lovers name… he knows him too… actually we kissed in front of him that past year when we dropped him off at the airport… but we talked about it a little bit… and I apologized if I made him or the female facilitator uncomfortable… I could explain to them more of why I was in that mindset at the time. We knew that the couple was obviously working on their marriage, and I happened to be a catalyst. We agreed this is going to be completely different then last year and I said well last year I didn’t do a whole lot of focusing on myself in ceremonies so this will be the year to do that. I apologized to the shamans too. I remember that i just shut down the second ceremony. I completely put my walls up and nothing was getting through because I didn’t want it to. I still participated when the shamans came to me for my turn… usually I’m really into their Icaros but I remember trying to hold myself still and stiff as a board… I guess I do remember feeling I was on a rollercoaster and I wanted to be able to lay the tracks deliberately is what came through. The third ceremony was my complete purging ceremony again… again i felt like I was in a cocoon in a transformational phase… similar to my fourth ceremony on the first round… I remember that swampy gut again. The fourth ceremony I actually got a vision of Leo… lol… it was like he’s waiting for me to wake up. And it had to do with a phone or the internet… this might’ve been the time where I was getting a feeling that I was going to wake up and return to my first round of ceremonies… but also it’s like I’m going to wake up and return to a room where i cannot see who they are but it looks like two men with lava-lavas sitting on benches… so it’s like I’m going to wake up back in Samoa… as if everything I’ve been living was a dream and they’re just waiting for me to wake up. Everyone is waiting for me to wake up. I believe this even might be the first time I got a feeling there maybe aliens… it’s hard to explain because I didn’t really see them but I sensed them… so there were like tiles that were displaying the visual field I was seeing but they were opening up once in awhile to show the space behind the tiles… I would feel there might be an intelligence watching through the tiles and maybe because if felt so unusual to me I thought maybe it was alien like… and honestly again I didn’t see them but I thought them to be insect like. I thought that would seem fitting for them to be connected to the insects… Insects are here allowing our physical reality to exist… without them… we humans would not exist. But they can determine when to approach us by how we treat the insects in our physical reality… if most of the people aren’t conscious or care about the insects then they would wait… once we start to appreciate them and care then maybe they would make themselves known maybe? That fifth ceremony was when my spiritual lover came back and it was geared towards creating a family together. That’s when I was able to feel or it felt like I was feeling how a child would feel like in my womb growing. It was very powerful and I’ve already mentioned some of this before… I wasn’t expecting this message because I thought it just wouldn’t be in the cards for me this life. But it did plant a seed of hope and it opened that window up to me again, and also hopeful that I’m working my toxicity out of my system to be a mother one day. I mentioned I wasn’t the only one who got naked these ceremonies… there was another guy there… he gets into ceremony like I do and he was even singing his style of Icaros a little bit. We was one of the first guests to come to me and apologize for isolating me. There were a few others that came up to me to to apologize. They saw how I responded to it all… they saw I was respecting their boundaries but I don’t seem to be trying to cause drama and the staff seem to really like me. I told them everything is suppose to happen like it happens… I’m learning a lot this time I just didn’t know it was going to be in this way. The female facilitator found a poem and she gave it to me before I left the retreat… let’s see if I can find it… ok And the weaver said, Speak to us of Clothes. And he answered: Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hid not the unbeautiful. And though you seek in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain. Would that you could meet the sun and the wind with more of your skin and less of your raiment, For the breath of life is in the sunlight and the hand of life is in the wind. Some of you say, “It is the north wind who has woven the clothes we wear.” And I say, Ay, it was the north wind, But shame was his loom, and the soften- ing of the sinews was his thread. And when his work was done he laughed in the forest. Forget not that modesty is for a shield against the eye of the unclean. And when the unclean shall be no more, what were modesty but a fetter and a fouling of the mind? And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. Gibran, Kahlil. “The Prophet.” Norwood, Mass. The Plimpton Press. Published 1923- reprinted 1924. Pg41-42. Actually… I think I’ll end this entry with more from “The Prophet”… which seems to be applicable to these rounds. Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be pos- sessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.” And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil it- self. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tender- ness. To be wounded by your own under- standing of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstacy; To return home at eventide with grati- tude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master? And he answered saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your together- ness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near to- gether: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Chil- dren. And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your chil- dren as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. Pg15-22.

I went to the 2nd dimension. Its an Aztec board game and your pieces are there and you can move them. Its created entirely by Aztec signs and is extremely cramped. The Aztec signs are alive and you can move around with the spot of your eyes that zooms in on things. Then I went to the first dimension its a cube that you are in the center of looking out. It has 4 rooms you cantmove your head or your eyes and you are just static in place. You can only move from room to room as if its a 1 dimensional plane. I only went to one of the rooms and the room had a doctor alien and a chair. He is pointing to the chair with a stick and he mind wipes you. Then I also saw akashic records. It contains algorithms of our identity the akashic records showed me we are 5 short paragraphs long algorithms of identity to create us. Each from a page in the akashic records. You are ethereal here. From what I was told is that the second dimension is literally on Venus and the 1st dimension is on mercury. The pressure is so extreme that it will condense your consciousness into weird fucking states if you were on there. The hopi said there were 2 worlds before this one but they were destroyed. I beleive these were mercury and Venus. There are still things living there we just can't see them. As well as on every planet in the solar system.

After analyzing several studies and personal stories, I am still unsure what the exact answers are. But I do have some news. I trusted my gut and tripped again, following the same protocol as previously (25mg, rectally, dark and silent room). During the trip, I focused on letting go as much as possible. Honestly, I was forced to let go of the attachment to living as a human and controlling myself. The experience was so intense and alien to my human psyche, that it would be unbearable if I tried to resist. So I vanished from the material domain for what seemed like an eternity. I accepted that I may never make it back. Of course, I am describing it now as a coherent thought process, but at the time it wasn't so clear at all. The main point is that I managed to overcome my fear. 11 days have passed as of today, reactivations had occurred as expected. However, the emotional load has disappeared. I'd describe them as neutral or even slightly positive. I share that story as a personal anecdote for you. I do not recommend taking drugs as 5-meo if you feel unstable or negative. I decided to do it as an experiment and was carefully observing my state and attitude all the time.

Pure fear, the fear you experience when you are being killed, complete confusion, ungroundedness. Your don't remember you are on Salvia, you have no memories, you are for a wild ride. Also the benefits can be extraordinary, specially death wise. If you trip long enough with Salvia you can overcome the fear of death fully, suffering and even pain I would say. It has inmense benefits but because of chemical reactions it activates the same responses in your brain as if you were quitting opiods and you were a long life user. So you get to explore the most exotic corners of consciousness at the prize of having a chemical reaction in your body of fear and confusion. This sounds technical but you will feel it in your bones when you are tripping on it. Also Salvia does not seem to induce God-Realizations this is why I'm reluctant to keep exploring this substance. It's more like exploring the most anti-human like states of consciousness, it is very alien and different to any other state of consciousness I have been in. Buy dry leaves, not extracts. Smoke them in a pipe with a jet flame and hold in +20 seconds. This is great for contemplation, it is amazing and I've experienced inmense benefits. However from 10x up things get very very intense, at least for me. Other people need more quantity it depends a whole lot on your body but experiential wise it is the same. So my point is that it's very hard to let go and surrender. First of all it's a peak experience like no other. Maybe DMT crushes me but Salvia is just so intense. You cannot contemplate you are just a consciousness having a random permutation of it's infinite possibilities. You don't remember you have taken on Salvia, you are just in shock, pure and utter shock. How are you going to search for God or contemplate if you don't remember you took Salvia or anything in regards to your life, who you are, what are you doing and you just have this expierence of fear and very wacky things going on, which you interpret as wrong because you have that fear feeling. It takes a lot of maturity that I honestly don't have, Salvia has humbled me in that sense. How much deep work you need to have done to be chill even if you are not human, this is almost drilling a conscious state of letting go not in your human self but in your consciousness itself. To trust, to surrender and go with it. Then I'm sure Salvia will show you things that no other psychedelic can show you, not even close, and I say this very confidently. Last words, Salvia is amazing don't get me wrong I'm in love with it. But not gonna lie to you like it's a pleasant experience, chemically it is impossible, it does not trigger anything in your brain to cause you any pleasure as other psychedelics do. Salvia is it's own thing, Salvia is it's own category. Salvia is also a very good training for life, if you can keep cool in a high concentration Salvia extract, you can be chill with the rest of psychedelics and in life in general. I feel SO much safer in life after Salvia. It's like you experience such a bizarre, dificult and life-transforming experience that you see life from another perspective. You learn to let go more and trust. Also ego death in Salvia is... well let's say less psychological or consciouss as with other psychedelics... It's more REAL. If you care about truth and exploring consciousness more than having always pleasurable experiences, then Salvia is perfect for you.

Pretty sure humans have crossed that line a long time ago. If you mean in a million years time frame, then I can see how AI might make humans useless. But in the meantime the universe might exactly wants humans to enjoy their lives without the need to fight for survival for a while... how else are we going to evolve into alien mouse in space?

@BlueOak ?Different life forms (maybe including Leo's alien) with eyes instinctively gravitate to each other's gaze when they meet. Maybe that's why they're called the window to the soul.

Who is this Nobody you are speaking of? Infinte alien consciousness is god. Im not awake.

Try an efficient meditation system, like for example "Pointing Out the Great Way" by Daniel Brown. Get your meditation going first on the pillow, Learn to spot any thought/concept arising directly when it emerges from consciousness/emptiness, see it move in that, and dissolve back into that. Then get the meditation "automized" Nonmeditation-Yoga-Style without any effort or artificial activity, the meditation doing itself (advanced stage). That gets the separate-self-arisings "doing" the meditation out of the way (they are just more thought-arising). Then move it into every-day life (Postsamadhi-Meditation). Then, your visual field will start becoming nondual and empty, like a hologram. Bliss without any cause starts to flow, the normal feeling good- feeling bad cycles of the separate self stop. Then, remove all remaining subtle filters/lenses/centers of the separate self arisings, learn to see/spot them fast enough and not "see through them"/"not looking out from them", until only the Nondual Infinite Awareness Space remains, and all perceptions appearing as mere imagined appearances, empty, lucent and hologram-like, moving in "It", perceptions perceiving themselves. And then check "WHO" is aware of that Infinite Nondual Field of mere appearance, with thoughts and world-objects moving and appearing in it like the wind, moving through You.Then, at one point, suddenly even the last feeling of an empty nonlocal witness perceiving a kind of Infinity/Totality will drop, totally becoming one with field. One without a second. Maybe even the One Hand will give you a clap then. The One without a second, initially unaware of itself when no arisings move (Nirvikalpa, Cessation, Deep Sleep,...), but with the potential for sentience. Always eternally right here now. And then, maybe consider the Empty Mirror Job Opening. Selling Water by the River PS: @GLORY "No they can be awake Or maybe even Awake But they are not AWAKE™" May I borrow that somtimes from you? I just love it PS: And whatever precisely the latest definitions of God Realization/awakening/alien awakening/.... are for Leo these days, the writer of these lines probably respectfully disqualifies for that.

Has anyone here considered that schizophrenic people are so enlightened that it interferes with them being normal functioning members of society? What if the truths about reality that they're aware of are so heavy and mind-fuck that it causes them to act like complete weirdos? You'd be amazed how many of them believe in solipsism, know non-duality, one-ness etc. A LOT of them are very spiritual persons. What if they're always lowkey tripping (overactive pineal gland) ? I always imagined schizophrenia being something very similar to coming down from a huge dose of psychedelics, when the euphoria wears off and everything seems hostile and alien, when you become paranoid, anxious and delusional. I'm sure a lot of psychiatrists would label Leo's beliefs about reality, himself, God as schizophrenic psychosis, delusions. What is schizophrenia really? I would love to hear your thoughts on this

Alien Love is so intelligent that you can make infinite love with a toothbrush

I'm sorry but I don't agree at all. We have lived in nuclear paranoia for decades, and we still are. Humanity's biggest threat is for itself. The most important problem I see with humankind is that we are TOO ingelligent compared to our wisdom. We need to step back on technology and military power and increase our wisdom, politics, civil rights, diplomacy etc. Wisdom, in poorer words. I know you could say that human intelligence is way too low for God or an alien entity, but still, human intelligence is way too high compared to human wisdom, which is an absolute low it's almost a shame. We have such techonology, such mind-power, that we could already be healing the poorest parts of Earth. Yet, we still play this nonsense game of capitalism, which is another form of FEUDALISM in postmodern times. Fuck that. On some level I despise humans because they do not understand that wisdom is way more important than mathematical/scientific intelligence. At least, that's my take on it.

Alien Consciousness transcends time and space, and all of scientific understanding. Imagine if you could literally teleport into different dreams fluidly, while it all still fits a cohesive Whole? I also notice that Alien Consciousness is able to cut through fear in such a precise way, because it is infinitely intelligent.

It cuts through all the human bullshit. Alien Consciousness.

I am dealing with some very complex mental health problems. What I ultimately might need is a therapist who is knowledgable about psychedelics and aware of spiritual matters, who can sort of tease this stuff out of me, because even I can't wrap my head around it. If anyone knows of such a service, I'd love to know. I hope what I write makes some sense. I am going through the darkest times in my life right now. Everything feels lacking in meaning, to varying degrees. I feel like I've come to irreversible harm, because nothing I'm doing to help myself is working. I haven't had real friends in like 2 years, and I'm someone who needs a lot of friends. But my mind has become so twisted and weird, and I feel disconnected from all human beings. I overthink absolutely everything, and I overthink about my overthinking, it's even happening with my family now. I'll be sitting there watching them talk about something, and I can't just be present and listen, I just start overthinking the interaction, or I start thinking about something entirely different. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like an alien. My head is filled with all these metaphysical ideas Leo talks about, but I can't even be present with my family, or laugh when someone does something funny. I'm disturbed because I know I am god as much as I can on an intellectual level without directly experiencing it. I was open minded enough to be like, "oh shit, I'm god" just from watching Leo's videos, so that's got me in a wierd place. Before 2 years ago, I was the happiest, healthiest guy ever. That was around the time I had my first acid trip with a bunch of my friends, which went bad at the end. Something may have bubbled up then, I don't know. Roughly since then I've had these problems. I'm doing lots of healthy things, I exercise, I eat well, I take Vit D and Omega 3, meditate for 40 mins a day using the 'do nothing' and mindfulness techniques. I go to a yoga class, I'm doing the life purpose course. I know what I really need is just good friends, but I feel so alienated from people that this won't ever be possible for me again. I just need a wise person who is in a really good place themselves, and who is knowledgable about these things to hold my hand through this. I've developed depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD. I'm not diagnosed and I'm not taking any medication for these as I'm worried that will do me even more damage. My dad is the only person I know who might have some idea, but I really believe he'll think I've lost my mind, and that that will sadden him. I feel like there is no one I can talk to who won't think I'm insane. Some possible causes I could name: BOTH of my parents were sexually abused as children. Generational trauma maybe? I've had a couple bad trips on LSD and Mushrooms, I've done DMT (not a bad trip but no breakthrough). I've spent a LOT of time in solitude for someone of my age and temperament (21 and typically very extraverted) over the last two years. I've consumed much of Leo's content over the last 9 months, I think this could have certainly been harmful for me at this point in my life. I've spent a lot of time stoned, in a haze of negative thoughts. I've been a smoker and a vaper.I've done a lot of stuff I regret, out of foolishness. What I need is a clear way forward that will actually work. If this isn't the dark night of the soul I don't know what is. I have an idea to do 5meo DMT, seeing as I've come this far, and just enlighten myself and just say goodbye to a life lived in confusion, separation and lack. I know you shouldn't do this if you're mentally unstable, but I'm having suicidal thoughts anyway so it feels like a very promising last resort in my mind. I have no idea what to do. It's arriving in about a week. I could put all of this life theory I've consumed to good use and actually help a lot of people, if I could just sort myself out. It's so frustrating! I feel like I'm sitting on a treasure trove of knowledge and life experience. There's so much I want to do, I know I could do it all if I just had some genuine social connection to ground me. Some love. If I ever get out of this hole, the world better put their seatbelts on.

Apologies for the confusion. What I meant is that I understood what you were saying. But at the same time, I don't see what is there to understand about reality as a whole. Understanding things is a noble pursuit and I would love to realise that you can understand reality as a whole. At this point I can only understand finite things and it's a great source of joy for me. For me Understanding whole of reality is a lesser complicated phenomenon than understanding a doorknob or a tree. Precisely because it's amechanical. This is what I wanted to know. But my point is subtler, still. I am saying that understanding reality is trivial and not something profound. You can just dream up distinctions. That's all. What's so awesome about it? I do this every night in my sleep. Reality is the same as nightly dreams, but it has more distinctions. Literally what else there is. As far as reality/God is concerned, you can simply imagine up a tree or a dog and that would make up no difference. Now, I am talking about understanding reality in sober states regardless of whether you have used psychedelics before. Yes. My life and everything within it is finite. So yeah you can understand it. Also it heavily depends on underlying mechanics. What I don't understand is how it relates to understanding REALITY AS A WHOLE. Reality is infinite. Everything that can be imagined is imagined in reality. Reality is every configuration of all possible distinctions. What's there to understand about it other than this? This is not true. To understand that reality is amechanical requires you to not make up human bullshit. There is no requirement of serious understanding. Mechanics is pure bullshit. Of course reality is amechanical. Realisation of amechanicalness of reality is a function inversely proportional to the amount of bullshit in you. Not having bullshit is not UNDERSTANDING. All mechanics is either made up bullshit based on observations. The doorknob could be working in a way that your understanding cannot grasp. Let's say that you have a chimpanzee, and everytime that chimp pushes the doorknob, a banana is given to it by a machine. The will radically alter chimp's understanding of the doorknob. As far as it is concerned, it's understanding is that you get a banana when you push the knob. And it's correct from it's own perspective perfectly as it is. Maybe you as a human may invalidate that Understanding because you understand the doorknob at even more depth. An alien consciousness may invalidate the human understanding if the knob. This actually makes sense since FINITE REALITY IS SELF DECEPTION. You do not understand reality. God is fooling you into making you think that you understand finite things. The invention of mechanics is simply self deception. The doorknob is merely perception/ imagination and nothing more. You don't even understand the doorknob, forget the entirety of reality. There is no mechanics to the doorknob. The finite understanding based on mechanics is SELF DECEPTION. Now with all that said, I don't know if you think that being and comprehension is one thing or not. If at sufficiently high states of consciousness, if being becomes the same as understanding, then I am wrong. Being is dreaming. Dreaming is existence. If dreaming is understanding or virtue of it, then God can comprehend itself. You should make a video on comprehension.

let's continue listening to the "60's 70's RnB Soul Groove" station. Enjoy! Oooohhh! I've heard this song but I didn't know who sang it... So it's the artist Heatwave the song is "Always and Forever" is the first song that was playing.. Everyday love me your own special way Melt all my heart away with a smile Take time to tell me you really care And we'll share tomorrow together (Always forever love you) I'll always love you ever (Always forever love you) and ever Loving you (Always forever love you) is the thing that I've planned For a very long time (Always forever love you) Me with you, you with me, we as one Love together (Always forever love you) for a very long time Loving you Songwriters: Temperton Rodney Lynn For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The artist The Chi-lites singing the song "Have you seen her" Why, oh why Did she have to leave and go away, oh yeah Oh, I've been used to havin' someone to lean on And I'm lost Baby, I'm lost Oh doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Have you seen her? Tell me, have you seen her? Songwriters: Eugene Record, Barbara Acklin, Brandon Thomas Stewart, Leslie Michael Stewart For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Lol... I can see the transformation in my life... I'm feeling a lot lighter... I've made the conscious decision to fully experience this Reality... a physical reality that I share... I've already been seeing where the perfection of life seems to be speaking directly to me... lol... and it just seems to be clearer for me to appreciate this genius of a reality we share... whatever happens to get your attention can really resonate with you... lol... the artist The O-Jays singing the song Love Train... lol... the songs keep playing i'm trying to hunt for the artist and lyrics... so I'll just focus on that instead of commenting. People all over the world (Sisters and brothers) Join hands (Join, come on) Start a love train (Ride this train, y'all), love train (Come on) People all over the world (Don't need no tickets) Join hands (come on, ride) Start a love train, love train Songwriters: Leon Huff, Kenneth Gamble. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Stylistics singing You Make Me Feel Brand New My love I'll never find the words my love To tell you how I feel my love Mere words could not explain Precious love You held my life within your hands Created everything I am Taught me how to live again Only you Came when I needed a friend Believed in me through thick and thin This song is for you, filled with gratitude and love God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song 'cause you Make me feel brand new My love Whenever I was insecure You built me up and made me sure You gave my pride back to me Precious friend With you I'll always have a friend You're someone who I can depend To walk a path that sometimes bends Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Like notes to a song out of time How can I repay you for having faith in me God bless you You make me feel brand new For God bless me with you You make me feel brand new I sing this song for you You Songwriters: Thom Bell, Linda Diane Creed For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Marvin Gaye "What's Going On" You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today Father, father We don't need to escalate You see, war is not the answer For only love can conquer hate You know we've got to find a way To bring some lovin' here today, oh (oh) Songwriters: Gaye Marvin P, Benson Renaldo Obie, Cleveland Alfred W For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Al Green singing Let's Stay Together I'm, I'm so in love with you Whatever you want to do Is all right with me 'Cause you make me feel so brand new And I want to spend my life with you Let me say that since, baby Since we've been together Ooh Loving you forever Is what I need Let me be the one you come running to I'll never be untrue Ooh baby Let's, let's stay together (Together) Loving you whether, whether Times are good or bad, happy or sad Ooh, ooh, yeah Songwriters: Willie Mitchell, Al Green, Al Jackson For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Let the Music Play Barry White Let the music play I just wanna dance the night away Here, right here, right here is where I'm gonna stay All night long... Let the music play on Just until I feel this misery is gone Movin', kickin', groovin', keep the music strong On and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on I'm out here dancin' and still, huh I can't erase the things I feel Songwriters: Edward Chisolm, Christopher Barbosa For non-commercial use only. Data From: AZ Lyrics The Temptations singing Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me) To have a girl like her Is truly a dream come true Out of all of the fellas in the world She belongs to you But it was just my imagination Running away with me It was just my imagination Running away with me (Soon) Soon we'll be married And raise a family, whoa yeah A cozy, little home out in the country With two children, maybe three I tell you I can visualize it all This couldn't be a dream For too real it all seems Songwriters: Norman Whitfield, Barrett Strong For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch The Emotions singing Best of My Love Doesn't take much to make me happy And make me smile with glee Never never will I feel discouraged 'Cause our love's no mystery Demonstrating love and affection That you give so openly, yeah I like the way you make me feel about you, baby Want the whole wide world to see Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh (oh), you've got the best of my love Goin' in and out of changes The kind that come around each day My life has a better meaning Love has kissed me in a beautiful way Oh, yeah (My love, my love) Oh, oh, oh, yeah (My love, my love) ooh (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Oh, got the best of my love Oh oh (yes you do), you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh, you've got the best of my love Demonstrating sweet love and affection That you give so openly, yeah The way I feel about you, baby, can't explain it Want the whole wide world to see Oh, but in my heart you're all I need You for me and me for you (my love, my love) Oh yeah, it's growing everyday, baby (my love, my love) Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), my love (my love) Oh, giving you the best of my love My love (my love), oh yeah Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh oh oh oh oh oh, you've got the best of my love Oh, giving you the best of my love (You've got the best, you've got the best) (You've got the best, you've got the best love) Oh, giving you the best of my love Songwriters: Don Henley, Glenn Lewis Frey For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Michael Jackson singing Rock with You Girl, close your eyes Let that rhythm get into you Don't try to fight it There ain't nothing that you can do Relax your mind Lay back and groove with mine You gotta feel that heat And we can ride the boogie Share that beat of love I want to rock with you (all night) Dance you into day (sunlight) I want to rock with you (all night) Rock the night away Songwriters: Rodney Lynn Temperton For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes - Wake Up Everybody Wake up everybody no more sleepin in bed No more backward thinkin time for thinkin ahead The world has changed so very much From what it used to be so There is so much hatred war an' poverty Wake up all the teachers time to teach a new way Maybe then they'll listen to whatcha have to say Cause they're the ones who's coming up and the world is in their hands When you teach the children teach em the very best you can The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better we gotta change it yeah, just you and me Wake up all the doctors make the ol' people well They're the ones who suffer an' who catch all the hell But they don't have so very long before the Judgement Day So won'tcha make them happy before they pass away Wake up all the builders time to build a new land I know we can do it if we all lend a hand The only thing we have to do is put it in our mind Surely things will work out they do it every time The world won't get no better if we just let it be The world won't get no better We gotta change it yeah, just you and me (yeah, yeah) Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) just you and me Change it, yeah (change it, yeah) can't do it alone Need some help, y'all (y'all) Can't do it alone (can't do it alone) Yeah (yeah) Wake up, everybody Wake up, everybody Need a little help, y'all (yes I do) Need a little help (say it, boy) Need some help, y'all (uh-huh) To change the world From what it used to be Songwriters: Whitehead, Mcfadden, Carstarphen For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch This is great... so there are messages everywhere... to help you us clarify your our experience and how you we want to consciously write a new story. When people we listen to music there might be key phrases and words that stick to your our mind... a lot of time I don't even hear the words because I'm so connected to how the music makes me feel. Not Everyone is going to pick what I'm choosing we choose to focus on... we can receive our own personal messages. We can apply these lyrics to what resonates with you. The same lyrics sometimes applies to myself and us and my spiritual lover. Lol... here's an example... Janet Kay sings Loving You Loving you, is easy Cause you're beautiful Every day of my life I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah No one else can make me feel The colours that you bring Stay with me, we'll grow old And we can spend Each day in spring time Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time we, ooh I'm more in love with you Loving you I feel you soul come shining through And every time that we, ooh I'm more in love with you La la la la la, la la la la la La la la la la, la la la la la la Doo-be-doo, doo-dooooo A-a-a-a-a-ah Songwriters: Richard Rudolph, Minnie Riperton. For non-commercial use only. Data From: Musixmatch Now the music station on YouTube is buffering and having a little trouble to continue to play... it's repeating back to the first song. This buffering is giving me silence and it helps me refocus where I originally wanted to share today, but it was great to just relax and just go with whatever came into my experience to share. At one time I would have considered that as something is going wrong, but that's not how I see it anymore. It's benefiting me... Reminding me... so loving and patient with me... I can get absorbed and I've got some more clarification work I want to do. During this public Journaling process I'm gaining a new perspective and I'm loving it! This transformation I'm going through was drastic for me and I knew it was significant and I was allowing the answers to come from others... but now I'm clarifying it to myself and I really understand much more then using what I assumed is other people's words to understand. Many of us has beautiful ways to explain something that isn't easy to explain because you have to have the experience to understand it. Even when you go through it you may automatically think you understand, but if you don't take time to clarify... you can feel lost in translation because it's the easy thing to do... but it's pretty easy to clarify for ourselves. We are infinitely intelligent. I want to be and express myself authentically so I'm getting the confidence to express authentically. I understand I wasn't in this state before at least that's how I personally experienced it. It seemed like I was less conscious of who I was and what I'm involved in. Now I have created an understanding for myself to move forward without fear. I don't have to be ashamed or embarrased. There doesn't have to be any guilt. And really understanding acceptance at another level. I also realize that I'm not at the state where I'll be stagnant... I'll continue to gain a deeper understanding and i'm excited for that, but damn it right now is really exciting too! I use the death experience as my transformation point because that's when I truly got my own understanding that death is a word that I assumed is complete and final... and I know that is untrue. There just isn't an end. Did I feel like I had a choice whether to be physical or nonphysical? I did... I felt like I had a choice. I chose to continue this physical experience. Again I knew I was beginning to really appreciate this all and I wanted more time to enjoy this experience. I returned... I had a choice. A part of me was loving the fact that I could go into a nonphysical state too. It wasn't scary for me. In fact maybe that's what I'm developing to is become so conscious that experiencing the nonphysical experience is where I'm learning to accept. But again through all my ceremonies I know how patient and loving existence was and is to me. It knows and I know (I'm not sure there's any separation... it's not separated... I'm part of existence... I am existence.) I have a choice and really there's no time limit... If I want to continue then that's acceptable... if I want to experience something different, then that's acceptable too. Whatever I really want I what I experience. Existence is all there is... even if we are physical or not... we still exist... there's no end... we exist period and nothing can change that. So in essence existence is the only thing that is... that is where it is called one. Existence doesn't have anything outside of itself... so in that sense there is not two... its' just one. But the magic of it all is Existence can create whatever it wants. It chooses to create anything. Existence decided to create a world with variety. It's deciding to create an experience for itself to live. It creates the appearance of a physical world because having a form it allows to experience sensations and emotions. Existence gets a chance to think it has separate personalities to experience a two or more. But not only personalities it chose to create other entities with itself as consciousness.. examples we can say is earth, plants, animals, air, water, fire, possibly entirely new forms of consciousness like aliens who aren't directly perceived by the collective in our world. Personally I might have experienced what may be labeled as alien. Lol... what I have directly experienced I could have labeled as alien because it just was so unusual and out of my imagination, but now it's my normal and it's going to continue. Anyway... these entities are existence and consciousness... they have their own style of intelligence and communication skills. But still everything is one... it's all still existence. As the collective grows it's consciousness we start to see the connections that these entities are not separate for our existence to be more fulfilling. We were at a state where we might not see them as significant, but enough groups of conscious entities we can say humans but also the entities themselves want to exist in this experience with us. They are us too. We can choose to exist in harmony and balance. In reality it's happening now. This existence is ultimately and infinitely intelligent. We who seem to have a separate identity and a growing consciousness can create our own opinion whether this is true or not. Existence loves us and is patient with us... We can create whatever opinion we want. Its just happy to experience... It can be happy even when there seems to be bad things going on... these bad things can be described as if there are just a small viewpoint of a small perspective compared to the universal perspective. These bad things can be seen as messages to direct a more conscious future. Maybe we got so obsessed in our own bubble of experience... existence creates these things to wake us out of our personal bubble to see a universal perspective? Gives us an emotion for change. There's something better we can create. Again it seems like it's easier to develop ourselves then it is to develop the collective. The orchestrated artful way of existence is masterful. Love and patience to experience any physical experience as beneficial... It's the best to experience now to continue to mature into an experience we want to share together. I used the word future... it makes me want to ask questions I have because this understanding isn't quite clear to me still... that's what's great... i'm going to continue to learn... does existence have to learn? Does it already know where everything is leading? To the nonphysical? I've directly experienced images of my future. How can that be? What's this experience when I get deja'vu? It's like I recognized I've experienced this before but I didn't remember. But then there was a time I knew what was going to happen and I was trying to watch the way I was thinking because I was going to create it to happen... and it did.. lol... even though I didn't really want it to happen, but again it led to experiences I really enjoyed which i didn't know about. So was it already orchestrated for me to create the situation to happen so i don't get stuck in that experience because there was something i wanted to experience more? I've labeled myself as a shaman and people assume what that means. When I went to explore this about myself.. I couldn't imagine this could be possible, but ceremonies revealed it to me as a possibility. I chose to explore it more, but I went into as if I approached ceremony. I didn't know what a shaman meant for me and I want to surrender to the experiences and see how I gain my understanding. I didn't know where to start except for the shamans I've met. But I didn't want to limit myself to just these shamans... so I started sharing more ceremonies with other shamans. I noticed everyone had their own way of handling ceremony. It seemed that they gave me suggestions of what I am drawn to do in ceremonies when i'm a vessel in ceremony. I realized quickly that none of these shamans are going to teach me how to be my shamanism. Even though I thought I wanted the easy way... I'd just copy and mimick a shaman that I was drawn to and I'd just follow their lead. That just wasn't possible for me... lol.... in fact that might be the reason I chose to work with shamans I couldn't speak their language. Unconsciously I didn't want them to teach me with their words. I could learn from their actions and behaviors and once we share ceremony.. I can gain deeper understanding of who I was becoming and what I can learn from the people I share ceremony with. I decided to do my own style of ceremony by myself after the second or third visit to Peru... I can't remember and I don't want to spend energy trying to figure it out... lol... I just happen to run into a psychedelic that was similar but in a brief session instead of many hours. I didn't know this existed I just happen to run into it. So I wanted to see if i can get personal messages of how I work inside ceremony. It was wonderful... I was learning a little bit.. but all of a sudden I get a message that I have to share... lol... I was so upset thinking this... I'm not ready to share ceremony... who would I even ask? I can't tell people what I'm doing? I don't even want people into my space... my cats are all I want here... lol... So I waited a little while and tried to do ceremony again solo... I must have mistaken the message. Well nothing happened... not anything... it was just literally saying there's nothing more for you to learn unless you start sharing ceremony.... why? well damn it... I want to learn... well shit i'm going to have to start talking people... how does this type of conversation even start? I wasn't really experienced talking about this so I'm fumbling around rambling around... but the more I tried it the better I was getting even though I wasn't perfect by any means... lol... i guess I was perfectly imperfect so I can continue to learn. I started sharing ceremonies... That's when my learning accelerated. I couldn't learn how to be a shaman without observing how I work with the others I share with. I remember I was so afraid I was going to scare my guests. By this time I knew how I respond in ceremony... most of the shamans I worked with in Peru usually sat and sang their Icaros... some had instruments too... some would use tools to touch people (I cant remember what it's called but a group of dried out leaves bundled together... there was only one shaman who seemed to touch me personally and I remember when it was going on it felt odd to me... but then I did it later in another ceremony with other shamans and guests... lol... I would have this long drawn out conversation of how I become someone completely different then the person you're talking with now. I move around... I sing.. I dance... I might even touch you... I don't want you to be scared... whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen... and everything is out of love and learning and healing. After several ceremonies with different people... never once did I ever feel fear from them... it's like once we were in ceremony they understood my intentions and they didn't seem to see my behavior as scary. I gained more confidence in my abilities. When I would return to the ceremonies in Peru with the shamans I worked with... my confidence was coming out stronger... they would since this. At first when I was timid of admitting that I might have shamanic talent they would seem to be dismissive until they had ceremony with me... they understood afterwards... and it was obvious my style was different then what they know of. Then I wouldn't say anything and then they would approach me afterwards where they were getting messages of me to become a shaman. Again it felt good to have confirmations... it continued to increase my confidence. I started getting comments from them that I need to start doing my shamanic dieta training. So I knew I was going to have to be preparing for this. Each shaman has their own way of how they share dieta too. I actually chose one shaman that I wanted to do my first one with, but it wasn't affordable in my opinion... so i went with my original shamans. The female shaman had actually passed when I was visiting... I helped get her body to her family... but ideally I would have wanted for both of them to teach me. The male shaman was who I ended up with... I knew there was hesitation in me working alone with him... but it seemed like this was the correct direction to learn the most of what I could. So I surrendered to the experience to see what I can learn. The three-month dieta was an entirely different setup. I would drink the master plant one night and then the following night I would drink Aya. There were two nights of ceremony in one week. The master plants aren't necessary psychedelics but sometimes I would receive messages in my dreams of what I was going to be working on the next night with Aya. Having this spaced out this way I got a lot of time to digest ceremony more than going back-to-back ceremonies and try to remember what I can use to direct my focus of changes I want to embody. With that time there were many cases where my original thoughts were recontextualized before I'd go into another ceremony the following week. It was really beneficial. I was the student and I was observing the shaman and his style of practices. There's a point in ceremony when I can feel when I turn into shamana... lol... that's how I have described it... I feel and sense things that are heightened... it's when I become the vessel for infinite intelligence to use and work it's magic. I had thought the shaman had to get me to this point of switching and I knew I was asking myself if I can just do it on my own... but it didn't seem I could... Until one ceremony. One ceremony my shaman was struggling to sing his Icaros. I didn't know what was wrong... I knew he was struggling and he continued to try over and over. I wanted to help him out but I didn't have him to turn me into shamana... so I said I'm going to have to try to do it myself. I do a lot of purging probably of limiting beliefs of my own power... but I got myself to shamana mode and I was drawn to sing my Icaros. Help guide him through what he needs at that time. I won't go into the details I felt and messages I heard, but everyone is growing even someone you assume is an authority over you. I went on for hours with different Icaros... waiting for periods to see if he was able to find his voice and sing... I wanted him to join me in ceremony but again he was trapped in his struggle. I finally told him I'm tired and I'm going to go to sleep... once I started to fall asleep he called me back. He finally got his voice and he sang three Icaros before he closed the session. I asked him what he remembered from the ceremony the following morning. He said he couldn't remember. I told him he couldn't sing his Icaros... has this ever happened before? He said no. And didn't want to talk about it anymore. That was my first opportunity to lead a ceremony. From my understanding whoever starts the Icaros leads the ceremony. Now he was the one who put the intention into Aya... so I"m not sure what that does... but maybe i'll get a better understanding soon. I had another opportunity to lead which wasn't planned... lol... he was in a nap one ceremony with six other guests... it's actually quite common for me to do this too...there's time before Aya starts to kick in.. so instead of just waiting for it.. i know that you wake up when the time is now... so he was taking a nap and I knew he was... but I also felt that the time was coming... I could feel myself wanting to transform into shamana and i could feel the other's energy that they were ready to explore and receive... so I got into shamana mode... I was trying to delay to wait for him to wake up... I might've even cleared my throat to help wake him up.. lol.. I didn't want to be disrespectful... but whatever happens in ceremony is supposed to happen and once I'm the vessel... I'm guided... and all of a sudden I couldn't help myself but I started singing my Icaros... I was leading. It was absolutely amazing to be able to lead a group of seven of us... what I was able to do and how to connect the group in group messages was unexpected... well not really to be honest... i've been getting messages personally that i'm capable and others are too... but to be able to see it in action instead of just inside my head was surprising... lol... anyway they got another unique approach to ceremony... my approach... even my shaman was surprised... we wasn't struggling this time and was able to receive what I was sharing with him and the others. I got personal messages as well that were new for me and I'm looking forward to gaining more experience that are similar. I started getting messages of finding objects in nature. I've heard stories of shamans finding certain plants to work with because of the messages they receive in ceremony to guide them through the jungle to find these plants. I had never had a direct experience of that as a possibility until then. Well... I've gotten images of plants that I seem to be fascinated with in ceremony which I've never seen before... I even thought that maybe i'll diet and learn from them, but i haven't been able to describe them well enough for any shaman to know what i'm talking about... which is fine... maybe i'll learn when I'm ready... but anyway... I saw things buried in the ground on my shaman's land that I can find. And that's when I got a specific message if i want to find these things then I can put my intention into Aya before ceremony to get the answers during ceremony. I didn't have a shadow of a doubt during ceremony that this was possible. I even mentioned it to my shaman and he didn't have a doubt in me either. I told him we're not ready now, but when I return we'll work on it. It happens to be in an area of his land he already started clearing out and placed a little shack there, but it's already broken down because it used leaves as the roof instead of metal. But anyway he said he knew there was something there that's why he started clearing it out... well i confirmed to him... there's something there and it's in the ground. So that's my first experience of a future vision that can actually be verified in the physical world... lol... well in a sense I guess... At least a physical vision where the result won't take many years to accomplish.... lol... In my head I can see that I need to save enough money to rent excavating equipment, be able to get the equipment where the location is, participate in ceremony to help guide me, learn how to use the equipment, and hopefully get guidance on what to do with the land i'm digging up... what to build in this area once i remove these things.. and possibly use the excavating equipment for the projects already decided before I return it. Once i get these items I can figure out what to do with them... there's one that i'm really drawn to for some reason I feel it has to do with communication... but i have no clue what that really means... lol... but other things I think are going to be shared with the village. But anyway... this isn't anything I have any experience with. But I know I can figure it out and I can learn so it wasn't too overwhelming for me. Now I get so excited when I have ceremonies it's easy for me to tell the people I know who don't even know what ceremony is only by my stories. I don't even take my time to ground and clarify... my passion and excitement is so driven to express that once I share.... I got several reactions to my ceremony. Are you sure that's possible? Maybe it's just symbolic? Wow you're ceremonies just get even crazier... lol... I had a few of my friends who trust me that was open to my experience. I even have one friend who's been wanting to do ceremony with volunteer to run the excavating equipment and he can share ceremony while he's there. We've been helping each other out for a few years now. Last time I was there he was supposed to join me... lol... he was in Lima airport and they said he didn't have enough months left on his expiration date of his passport to enter. They sent him on the next flight back to the States... it's crazy, but I know that it just wasn't time for him to join us.... lol So there was something else that happened during ceremonies that was similar because it seemed like I was going to be finding something in nature. It wasn't going to be in the jungle... it's going to be in the mountains. What I can connect at this time which is subject to change when I continue to get messages of clarification... but what I can say for now is it's going to involve a group of people using horses to explore the mountains looking for something. I believe it's a water source... a healing water source... but I cannot verify it and these messages were spread out between three different ceremonies where I was alone with Aya for the first time ever. I was definitely not grounded and it was slapping me in the face how ungrounded i was, but doing Aya alone for the first time.. these messages were very personal and gave me unusual messages that no one can believe... lol... which took it's toll when I tried to express them to people... even my close family couldn't believe me. That's why I feel I have to keep some things secret... if too many of the collective don't believe me then it's going to make it that much harder... if i keep it to more of a select group of conscious people who support me or at least curious to see how it plays out would be better. In my mind to be successful I'd like the whole world to know and help support us... especially thinking about the safety of the guests with me. I feel like majority of us are going to be shamans who are going to be drinking Aya to receive messages to guide us. I feel like i'm learning a new way to draw quickly from memory to help guide us to the locations to rest. I can go on and on how much I'm trying to figure out what skills and supplies which would be needed for this expedition. Again this is not familiar to me at all... this is entirely new... when I started to gather the data to complete this message was overwhelming to me... I couldn't see how to pull it off... There was so much to learn that I didn't know where to start... I thought maybe i had to start learning how to be with horses... how to take care of them and feed them, etc... I was coming back to the States and I figured I'd can find jobs in all these areas to start learning. But i wasn't grounded and didn't have clarification... My energy was sensitive so any attempt to work...it was obvious to me that i wasn't ready to just waste my energy in that current situation... that's how I found my way back to my dad's place.. my sanctuary to rest... my sanctuary to purge my history of physical and emotional baggage... which is what i'm doing right now. Ideally I'd love to just pay people to learn from them instead of working for them. That's what I'd love to do is just have enough abundance to work with people who have skills i want to learn and make it worth it to them to help me out. lol... that's how i look at most of my jobs lately... they don't know that i would actually pay them to teach me because these are skills i want to learn... lol.. maybe one day soon i can do that. Not maybe.. it's going to happen and i'm in process of creating this to experience it. Another thing coming up right now is my first time I thought I experienced a spirit guide. I've heard people say that but i never had a direct experience with that... in ceremonies I felt like its infinite intelligence... it wasn't a form... and I gained awareness it's really me helping guide me with the help of my connection to infinite intelligence. So during my three solo Aya ceremonies i had one dream that was just as clear with it's message as my ceremonies can be. I was in a house and there were several men sleeping... I was walking to each of them and examining their faces... I was looking for someone specific.. i'm not afraid to confess I was looking for my spiritual lover. But i couldn't find him with us. While I was searching it seemed like someone was talking to me asking me questions and I was talking back. It asked me if I know where I am... I said yes... I know this place.. it was waiting until I searched the last man and was unsuccessful at finding him I was standing next to the bed and there was a large window with curtains blowing with the wind but i wasn't really paying attention... I was kind of in a dissapointed state because I couldn't find him with us. The voice asked again... where are you? I looked out the window and said I'm in Nepal... right? Those are the mountains of Nepal. The voice then replied he will follow you there... I was still standing next to bed and all of a sudden there was someone who was rubbing my foot to comfort me. Instantly I thought it was him... under the bed so I bent down to see who it was... and I was shocked and the other seemed shocked too... lol... it wasn't a human the bed was dark in shadows and I didn't see a figure... it seemed like there was floating eyes looking around as if surprised and also it might have felt if i was going to be scared of it... the eyes had a hat on like a cowboy hat on... and we just were in each other's presence... I wasn't afraid i was just curious. I woke up... again I thought this must be a spirit guide people talk about. But after time past... I started to question whether that's who that was or not... I started to begin to think... i think that was another version of me... I tend to comfort people by rubbing their feet... I did that a lot when I was my grandparent's hospice nurse when they were in the hospital and when they were home... i do that at times for people who are sharing ceremony with me too. And I ended up buying a hat that was similar to what I saw in the dream... I call it my Indiana Jones hat... lol... I'm going to become an explorer... Trying to switch my identity to embrace these new messages where I'm not just working on myself but working with others... and in areas I haven't had direct experience with yet. Was that me? Am I my spirit guide? Was that a future version of myself giving me encouragement to not give up? Can I just ignore these visions I received in the jungle? Why should I? Everyone has the chance to make reasons why they do what they want to do... why can't I do the same thing? There is no possible way that I can conceive that's going to make the desire and urge to see what my life will be like to make these visions come to life. I don't care what others think of me now... I know this is how I want to continue my experience here in the physical. I know it's not going to be exactly what I expect right now... but it's going to be more then I expect... this reality just loves to give you more than your imagination in my experience. That's how my imagination continues to grow. And maybe because I'm more conscious I can have more of a say to direct this experience too now. I might ask myself... am i going to be doing this because this is a way to be with my spiritual lover? Yes and no... again he has no clue how powerful his introduction into my life has done for me. I've tried to explain and I know it makes him uncomfortable... I couldn't express myself with clarity. I wasn't clear back then anyway so that was going to be impossible. And how it was introduced and continues to be included in my experience. It's gotten to the point where I was like he's just my holy grail or my golden apple. It's just an idea to inspire me to live the best life possible. Even if he doesn't end up wanting to share this experience with me... i cannot complain about him being my muse to inspire and create changes in my life... it led me here and I'm so extremely in love with myself. I do not regret any of this. And again who I'm attracting will extremely love themselves as well... if not... I won't be attracted and i'm wanting to experience my full potential while I decide to experience this physical world. I don't want to be definitive with this answer, because I want him to choose this with me. I want to start creating visions as collective visions. I'm excited to hear visions of others I can collaborate with. Lol... I didn't know that my thoughts were going to lead down this road... this was definitely one thing i was questioning whether to share or not... but it just flowed out... i thought i was going to tell what i did today and what i'm doing to start to clear my chaos physically and emotionally with my daily life... but this whole session wasn't in my plan... but i guess it's something I need to do for my benefit. It's a good time to take a break... maybe I'll come back in a few... or maybe I'll go to sleep... we'll see

I was already in a very heightened state of consciousness, almost ready to 'explode' into Infinity, when my neighbour starting to playing a Pop hit song. My consciousness unified completely and become conscious I was the music and I actually 'felt' how I was moving the bass and tweeters of the speaker to produce the song. Now I am conscious I am creating this screen with my own consciousness. When you realize it it's like..of course! It couldn't be any other way. It's direct, it's here. Its me. Having said that: remember, only LEO IS AWAKE, I AM NOT AWAKE. What I've realized its peanuts compared to Alien Awakening.

Why does my AI art suck so badly? I'm trying to type in cool stuff like "Alien sitting on a cloud meditating" and all I get is a half alien half cloud looking thing that doesn't make any sense Update: I tried another application and got a way better result: