KatiesKarma

Hello, I posted a bunch of times a year ago and since then a lot of things happened, well in theory, because now it feels like none of it happened. I thought I solved every problem I had. I was so naive holy crap. What went down is insanely difficult to explain in accurate terms. I should be screaming 24/7 but I will try to be calm and put this into words I was at a psychiatric hospital for three months in hopes of curing what I thought was depersonalization disorder (more like extremely fucked up personality development with a bunch of trauma), I came off effexor (someone on here said I should never touch these drugs and BOY was this person right, this, this was my death sentence), and my mind just 'deteoriated' over a period of 4 weeks, when I was at the hospital. All ingelligence, the semblance of personality that I had, left me My mind is like a Computer that exploded from too much data, none of which could be processed. Feels like neurotoxic damage Now I am left geniuenly retarded. Before I had psychological Problems but this is likely neurological. Something is very very very very very very wrong. It's like my mind, spirit, soul is completely defragmented, dead, abused.. - this is what it feels like to be dead but alive - blank mind, words have lost all meaning, brain responds to absolutely nothing, no short term memory - no inner sensations - before I was very humorous, now I dont understand jokes - the few thoughts that I have tend to be disorganized, inappropriate, disgusting, which makes me thing that literally my soul is rotten or something - people look "too small" and dead, - completely disconnected from enviroment - stuck in present moment, no past, no identity, no future - unable to process anything at all. Cant read. Cant play Video games. I literally just walk the dog and sleep, eat, repeat, then sometimes I start banging my head against the wall until my mother alarms the paramedics The list of what is wrong with me is endless. I was very isolated troughout my life which ended up in me having an extremly weak sense of self, then trauma happened and ugh Because of this I lost my ability to have a relationship with my former boyfriend, lost the few friends that I managed to get, lost the few hobbies that I had, if I had the money and hell didnt exist I would apply for euthanesia in belgium What kind of karma causes someone to end Up like this, holy shit. I couldnt imagine any type of situation that could be worse I guess what I am hoping for is some sort of psychic miracle healer I am at my absolute wits end

Profound mental problems and lack of social contact robs me of any meaning or joy to be found. Corona did it for md

Read Lsd and Mind of the Universe. Not recommended to do what he did unless your Life is really stable and grounded. (do really high doses, 73 trips in total, over the span of many years) Otherwise maybe some form of hypnosis like the life between lives regression (therapy) could get you access to these types of insights if the organic veil of amnesia you wear isn't too rigid

This is similiar to the question of how anything can come about in the first place, it's like 0 = 1 So if I remember correctly we have 9 Dimensions (/perspectives) (even though Leo says there is an infinite amount of them) and from the first and last one (I am + All is one) everything is directly willed into Being/imagined into existence. Awareness, that which you ultimately are and which requires lots of practice to truly spot, is formless and permeates everything. You are not inside the Universe, the Universe is taking place within you. Thoughts are form, an appearance. All the shapes around you are thoughts manifest into this physical form.

According to Erik H. Erikson. Stumbled upon this when I was trying to understand personality disorders

It's possible that the more miserable this Life, the more expansion of the Whole & your Soul occurs. Imagine that your Soul really wanted to come here and that it's a great honor to live even one human Life. This is a really, really dense plane of existence and not every Soul chooses to incarnate. Of course I am just repeating what more enlightened indiviudals have claimed to know, but it gives hope that after a long time of suffering, this will be worth it.

This is a great question and upon doing some research on personality disorders I found this definition that resonates: A healthy personality is...: - someone who actively masters his enviroment - a personality that shows a certain degree of consistentcy/integrity - ability to see oneself and the world as it really is And I would add 'ability to work and engage in true intimacy'

So my psychiatrist gave me Effexor for my depression, after I told her that all sorts of SSRIs didn't really cut it for me. So I was given Effexor, an SNRI, that can cause many side effects and I am rather sensetive. I really fear to go another hellish round of Depersonalization episodes. ( i have it all the time but I really don't need to get worse)

I agree. It's odd how we can just go about our day to day lives while being really ignorant of how fast and how bad things can really get.

I mean it's all subjective but I've seen videos of people finishing university and then literally becoming crack junkies and ending up with horrible health and skin conditions whilst sometimes talking like they are possessed. Terribly wrong is that which causes [horrendous & unneccessary] suffering, especially when the chances were good to become rather normal.

I watch those a lot too, just to reassure me that this place is not meaningless as hell. They are fascinating

Is it sheer lack of information, because we are limited and lack omniscence? Is it because it was intended to be this way pre-birth, to be born in shit circumstances..? Lazy thinking, poor parenting? Karma? No access to intuition?

Probably that I am in a low vibrational pattern and end up, especially at night where fear lingers, attracting borderline disturbing thoughts of demonic creatures or donald duck killing himself and becoming donald Trump and way worse and yeah How do I make them stop? Is it tied to dissociaton? .. do i need to cleanse my subconscious or something

I don't know... Imagine being tortured and then killed, leaving you with severe ptsd etc, does that carry into the next life? Really?

Oh, so it's always different?