ValiantSalvatore

I did a 1h sit: Just a lot of co-adaptation of whatever is there are interested in hebbian learning. Signed up for the IT-Design thing that works with a polytechnic, so I am sorta going back and forth at the sametime. Will meet friend in 15 minutes. Let's see what will happen if I get more depth in the fields I am interested in... also exercise and some sexy pictures etc.

Yeah, it depends I did it a couple of times with guy friends, the one female friend I had was disinterested in doing it together, most likely for reasons you mentioned to much depth, shadow and trauma etc.. She was also deeply moved by the experience and was glad (at least during that time), that she did it. I unfortuantely missed out till now on that experience, with guy friends that was also a level of just depth in a platonic way, obviously just like very deep trippy sh*t, so to speak. With bro's and friend groups. It was definitively enrichening. For sure relationships when they are emotionally intense can be quiet heart breaking and it makes sense to reconnect and re-orient oneself towards what it was that caused all of this and to move on and find a new lighthouse, then these cycles repeat depending on depths...and get deeper. That is the thing about the shadow it's endless from everything I've read and heard, so far. Even the best healers continue healing in some way I bet. Relationships are certainly a mastery process, and having someone willing to do this is what I find challenging.

It still will be pretty rough, my plan in the beginning was the most intelligent, yet I did not execute that well as my daily routine was to whack with 3am, it's better to just sleep full cycles and work. Stay up till 11:15 etc. I will do a 2h approx meditation session before I meet my friend and I wanted to send some stuff out and prep it. Then plan the cologne trip.

Going to enjoy some video games after studying for hours, I don't know how to refine the process currently besides that I really should just do all of the easiest tasks a couple of times, it does not matter I gain some understanding. I am unsure what will happen though in the end it's about learning. When I have a couple of friends and a decent girlfriend it does not really matter, how long it takes, it's more beign distracted and not breaking relationships that are serving me in that sense. I found the two projects I don't know if I have the one with the server anymore, I hated that project I think so much I threw it away, as I was not good at it. When I read the code, now it's kinda laughable, I could easily integrate some stuff although there are other plans for now, it's nice to just have something like this and apply for some studentsjob. Chat-GPT also helped me immensely understanding the theory of how it is coded itself with adverserials IIRC and unsupervised deep learning? We also have "internships" in this area, where we would learn how to code this. Let's see how deep I can break into the tech industry, unfortunately it's a (un)holy smorgasbord, so I have to see and also do a lot of stuff myself there is only a couple of hours per week, if I'd had understand this a bit earlier that this is fundamentally how life is lived I would have puten in more hours, yet I burned out for whatever reason. I think it was mostly having some connections and friends in a similar situation, as I wanted something entirely different with maybe the slight rematch that is coming...

Yeah, this was not so great, I completely forgot one task, and not having done maths 2 is hurting a lot, I hope in the end all will workout. Don't know what else to do, will most likely apply for some student jobs, and get the better setup now that things have settled down, it's a bit unfortunate, yet it's no reason to go totally overboard and crazy about this. It's more important what I am learning, even if large chunks of it is reguritation. I sovled both of the problems and including CNN's and I legit forgot, it was also fairly easy, and then they rewrote it in an odd way. I think from the time I invested I did gain a solid understanding of how to do it, not like in the other course just theoretically, and with again some more practice I will understand it faster. These are also odd cumbersome tasks, it's not difficult at all besides some, and I just have to do the easier ones. I wanted to do the harder tasks and did some derivatives that were not necceessary, it's not easy for me to judge the level of the university, when the jump is so high in contrast. The professor encouraged me for the seminar, and was very kind and polite I liked her from the beginning, it's often just nice to be respected by intellectual women, instead of feeling subtle judgements overall I would not be that "toxic/aggrevated/frustrated". Even the sexy booty girl who added me supports me. I was suprised by her authenticity in general, guess having the authentic profile does have some advantage... I've also been framed by family and such "you are so photogenic etc." Sure, still won't beat Chris Pratt looks.

Actually, when A.I drops more heavier psychology and HCI are going to be awesome.

I hope Chat-Gpt will be a great tool for me, and yes egotistically JUST FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd wish I had a better risk assesment for stuff like this, yet this is purely competence and skill based everything of this I am not a great natural in this to some level, and also sometimes the "naturals" are the offenders. When I consider the last book I've read with the MBTI stuff. *sigh* I don't know at times. The point is this panic, pain, helpless cycle and pragmatism torture is a painbody infliction I felt a lot from my mother and also the "rigidity of anger as well as outright wrath".

She also replied instantly, HUMAN WHY YOU HUMAN 😭😭😭 I did not notice I was also not up for this and it takes such a long time to get good at this it some 8 years!! Amazing. Anyway. I am glad at least something was working I presume. Unsure what to think and say etc.

I could be saying let's meet now when she responds with 3 messages in a row etc. Let's see I have her number. The point is beign fast online is the truest principle I've seen mostly. Fast wins. Not slow just fast. Some patience sure, yet fast wins when it hooks online. I don't know what else to say here. I could also be off by some moment, and missjudge character to some level. The point is there is often a level of accuracy involved here, that is unmatched when I truely trust that feeling in most things, that is why I am close to never shocked when I meet someone. Matter of fact most are like this. I don't know what else to do at given times life is odd truely odd. Truely truely odd. I can't say more and I don't like it.

Don't know what to do with this girl, and this exam spectrum that happens so often, and this idociy of throwing life away to meet girl romance? I don't know. Asked her what her plans are this week, and made an assumption statement. I don't know what to say about these patterns though. Briefly looked into sexual coaching just now, yet it's just distraction the issue is that these girls want me at times I am just not available, and it's to stupid and I don't know what to really do here. Let's see this is more reasonable currently.

Just read the funniest and truest perspective for a while on the forum. Also, found the next shadow work session topic. Writting this brief post then continuing...

Writing another brief post. Unsure what to think and or say, there are many ends, in the total sense, it's fine. It does not matter, nobody is willing to test such standards, and it's even possible. Doable for anyone healthy, and healthy upbringing etc. So yeah I dunno even with gratitude practices I get a little jealous of others, and their insights I miss them, especially on cannabis, yet they have been utterly useless on a survival scale. In a creative scale sure, yet I am no where near doing creative type of work that is "causal" creative. Yeah that is it. Sexy girl replied, I am a bit unsure what to do and think. I just wish I could live up to my standards. It's not possible so I don't hold it against any, in the sense of it's doable, yet not anymore at that level for me.

This is it. I don't know what else to do in a system that enforces mastery extremely hard, and leaves little room for entrepreneurial thinking, then beign gaslit and just having a bunch of negative experiences, and the ones "helping" making it worse. Some things just need a proper discussions where there is a win-win as well as reflective listening. One pattern I noticed is people who say, you never listen. Are the worst listeners, they take so much pride in their reflecting and it does more harm than good. It's to absolute and not relative.

I overall still harbour a lot of hatred, especially when I see how I wish to be treated and it's at times not happening as well as how stuff just seems hard, when I write down what I think and I truely think I'd think for hours, or comeback with some sort of insight. Currently I did to much I wish I had more proper care and nudging in my life instead of beign steadly treated with this. "Though love asshole mentality", it never did any good besides when it is at times appropriate I also can't take to much of it, when I don't feel a lot of masculine strength. I'd definitely would appreciate some community, that feels like a community and not so distant and neutral. It's insane when I consider what type of women I'd attract if I could train my body etc.... when I already appreciate the ones I currently "get".... Last post, I will take some practical steps after this day.... and see what I can do I don't know anymore what to integrate and these psychologist have been working one ends with me, that did not work I will most likely contact the system healer type, it's better this way and leaves more room etc....