ValiantSalvatore

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  1. I am still very unsatisfied when I see the forum I still struggle to feel that I have any commonalities with the people here. Outside things have been okay, I am basically done I looked up some ahyuasca retreats and most affordable ones seem to be either in Spain/Sweden/Peru/"Mexico" and one other country. I am a bit bummed out by with the whole psychedelic thing and consciouness different people saying different things I guess in the end it comes down to what works works. So the value of the tool will be decided by me. Till now I am still partially living in degeneracy. I had a negative vision of how my consciouness work will meltdown thanks to my inabillity to fully train my body. I know this is an illusion. It still somehow affected me emotionally the idea of it I would like to know what part of myself has been triggered? So I know what part of my persona craves this image. I could write more that is about it I am mainly taking a break from everything. I am done now finally I can soon work on things. I keep having ideas about putting in work for courses. When I go through applicable advice taking a longer break and a vacation as well as a psychcedelic certainly seemed to me the most fitting ones. My therapist finally chimes in and agrees I can't live here. It's not good for me. My growth basically has been stunnted by sheer opportunities and pleas spare yourself any though love comments, since I am quiet young I had to hear these. There is to much of that or not enough. I dunno I feel my profundity is partially gone today at least. Basically I need an income to live the life that I want, yet I don't want to work myself to death and I want to work for/with people I feel more love towards and positive emotions in general. One main issue with this community is when I skim through it there are not enough people who have done the prep work to give solid feedback in terms of consciouness etc. inclined with Leo's work. Basically I can run off anecdotal evidence and then try it myself as well as do research about psychedelics etc. I still wonder why there are so many differences Wilber seemed to have tried to unite it and explain it to none-realized people. Leo does the same, yet these subtle consciouness wars makes it difficult to find a beacon. I wanted to be that for myself then people leeched and leeched of that positive, nspiring, highly-driven and ambitious energy. No the corrupt people seem to make the biggest advances by working in accepted grey lines in a rather negative and self-interested manner. I dunno that has been my experience in college/uni so far. Besides the few who put in endless of hours and had the right contacts/information. I dunno I did not have the best relationship to skill development and emotional difficulties etc. even though I always had a strong desire, the amount of support that I did not receive I am pretty sure it was damaging to myself in some way. I dunno I skipped the new Leo video. I don't know what he is talking about and explaining it's the samething as structure stages basically something permanent and explaining how these states differ, states within states etc. I dunno there is a core desire for mastery in me that I want to meet, yet I don't seem to find the right tools etc. For now I am 99.5% sure I am done with actualized.org the 0.5% will be some posting and information. Yet sort of the community space etc. finding connection, inspiration. I am out. This place is horrible for positivity and an uplifting spirit and I feel often this is badly needed especially from people who are ultra well-off and priviledged. What else was important to think and write about? Nothing much because I would devise an action plan. Right now I stay clear from the forum and post out of neccesity. I felt a strong disconnect today, so I felt like posting, expressing and putting myself out there. There is this hidden thread of envy in me that sees all of the things others have that I do not have. Etc. Basically my attention goes to the missing. It's so annoying. To be primed basically to see what everyone else is not seeing and having no clarity if it is correct or not. Gratitude works as an antitode. I for now sort of am mega unsatisfied with how Leo has been managing his community and his people, especially concerning the topic of racism, the use of language sometimes of people in here, videos they post, lack of positive energy from mods/leo as "leaders" of the community. It feels like a big shitty neutral place and yeah I can have the same feeling when looking at a blank screen. Might even give me an enlightening experience. I dunno there is so much negativity. Online spaces are difficult to manage, offline people are not as lawless and it's rare to sort of nuture my stage orange drive for achievement and performance when many don't achieve and perform here. As well as Leo is prone to subtle bragging even when meant well. Does not help for comparrision mind and yeah its just very difficult to relate to people online. As well as what that evoked for me there was something true my intuition kicking in telling me something is off about that guy. Yet, it was never really that bad, it was severe. I figure it's the intellectualization and being stuck in his head part as well as using the body part, the fear and demonization part this is conjecture on my side. I dunno I don't think tough love is a good way to handle people who are at a vulnerable place, yet the same dynamic would happen when I am in place. What some part deep down craves in me is conscious leadership and I can't really find any good examples besides good leadership and consciounes seperat. Otherwise I am unsure. There are some survival cravings that I am unsure if I can meet them. Some part of me deeply hates Leo and the information that he presented. As some advice is horseshit straight up should delete the video about college absolute fking horeshit. That is what I mean with tough love how tough does it get till physical violence? I am unsure about this advice. All it smells like is claiming towards power and power/status games. I wish I would have read the calnewport book earlier about acing college that would have given me more value then Leo's video about college which I took ultra, ultra seriously during that time, but yeah. I am a bit unsure what I can do with these feelings of resentment biases, projections etc. That also go with having the feeling again while 99% of people deny it in themselves. The annoying part is my journey is not done one phase is done and I still feel severely damaged and not properly supported and I don't think anyone can give me that. It's very difficult to speak about this since I do not know what it is. On a relative plane that seems to annoy me so much. As there is a lot that annoys me. I dunno I wish I'd find a more accessible place with information that helps me in my journey as well as some "structural support" basically meaning some people around me who do the same stuff and share similar and not the same experience. I thought about the issue with psychedelics and consciouness as I dislike it that Leo does not do any practice at all and just does psyches. It's his decision I can understand multiple perspective as to why, how etc. To do this, yet it's not very inspiring it's nothing the collective recognizes as something of high value. For me as a guy who did LSD 20-30 times and MDMA now 3 times approx. The way Leo relates his experience does not help me to do any work at all it causes the exact opposite. There is some deep hatred for people like Leo, yet I don't know what this is etc. I do like him, yet this avoidance of issues and in general this avoidance and not adressing character causes big T trauma as emotional neglect is real. There is some part of me that wants to see Leo deeply suffer as some part of me really hates that guy endlessly, yet I know that part stems mostly from envy and jealousy as well as rightousness, yet to call that rightous is something entirely else, also rightousness is also such a flatland idea. Anyway moving on looking foward to good content. The pick-up series was the most value I can get out of a survival sense. From a consciouness perspective it's been a longtime since I found some value I guess it was simply the introduction to psychcedelics and the talk with Martin Ball about 5-meo dmt. More videos with conscioues people just talking about consciouness airing differences even if it would be a bloody war for Leo's teaching I don't think he'd loose it and rather make an impact. I dunno I don't feel the inspiration and drive dripping over in a video. Then health etc. I dunno I definitely expect to much. Especially from a man who has health issues etc. and it affects energy. I dunno I am not learning anything new and I am not inspired to do the work, as working permanently with tools that are mostly illegal even when society is backwards etc. Or especially then makes things not better, as it enforces on a relative plain again this evil image that causes especially me a lot of issues socially. It's not helpful at all. The tools are I bet, yet the structure is absolute horseshit and it's inevitable that setting up everything offline is way more safe. At least in my head, but I am not a security genius. I dunno motivation and inspiration in a sense is motivated, yet it feels great to have a cheerleader in your life. I can't pinpoint it, yet I am just unsatisfied by content shared, posts created and advice given. Humans are so complex to give proper advice and get the other person to apply it is an art form. Change is certainly not easy. Although I notice I want some major changes, I hope they are finally coming. I am tired of shitty untested advice sometimes things are so simple. Imagine someone wrote on my dating comment, hey man just go out and you just feel the resistance everyone knows it, it's important to point it out subtely. Then again is it worth it to invest the energy etc. Yeah that is what I mean with absence and lack of effort, even something is simple as pointing out the obvious in a caring way. Is legit from a higher standpoint a characterstik of TIER 2 development, it's just not here to much aborted self-actualization. Maybe I am projection, yet I need a more healthy place. Reading about issues and issues reading about a procedure that works and produces the desired result certainly is inspiring and helps to take action. There is to much to talk about I am still unsatisfied with how people go about their survival and how much self-interest there is and as well is in me. Anyway I am done for now. Things are again moving slowly, but I am done apparently all I do is is to present the topic. It's very difficult to be happy for myself since 2 years or so, as it's so difficult to let go as well as HSP and vulnerabillity I don't think you understand how vulnerable you can be as well as how deep things run. There are certainly aspectst that are not as conscious about me and I am happy about that. Survival does serve it's function yet even my survival self does not like survival. Which is a clear telling sign, something is amiss.
  2. I am done now partially only thing I need to do is present the thesis. It's been an up and down. Reading the forum from time to time justifies why I want to leave and rather lurk. I don't think it's very nuanced and advanced and the topics around sex etc. Are stuff I contemplated when I was 4 or 6 or so. I am still re-creating my life as I'll soonish will do the operation. I am just glad things are over I looked up some stuff I ordered some psyches. Will most likely do an ahuyasca retreat and I found some stuff where I could get dmt for the plants etc. and extract the stuff myself. I am unsure if I should do that. I will go slowly playing so many video games here and people unable to fully integrate even systems thinking is one core tenet of mine now of how much I interact with this forum will vary. I don't really find solutions to my problems and if Leo produced it already in a video format. I talked to my Professor and this trigger of mine when I see the incompetencies of others will definitely last sometime. After my operation I will structurally work again at stuff that is important to me. Right now I could care less the biggest obstacle of mine has been removed and I can finally move. Overall right now the same issues are occuring. Hope stuff will workout. I certainly undid some progress, yet in hindsight when I see the news, this forum, people in video games, dating. It's so rare to find someone compatible. I have currently still the issue of seeing humans as humans when I don't notice they are conscious. It's scary as it does not feel like I am talking to someone rather to some thing. Right now I am also not doing activities that raise my consciouness. I am just glad things are over and I can really take a break. Also the advice people give and how I learned to associate myself with people. Some stuff needs to change badly and drastically. I hope I can learn to socialize even better with more competent people when I move and I have more opportunities. Till then I am just going to make the best out of things as they are. Let's just see I had some plans on finishing some courses, yet I am a bit tired of this orange/blue world I feel I am in. It reminds me of a lot of issues that are usually not present in my life, yet are present thanks to how the collective relates. When I can exercise again my life should definitely feel better. Also the matches from women etc. All should increase. etc. I am unsure if I'll finish it, yet it can certainly help me. The investment advice I consumed via YouTube etc. What I watched till now all of it takes to much effort and I would not be interested in putting that much time and energy into areas that currently are devoid of my interest. All in all things I have left to say is I have never been at a point where I felt so unsatisfied in my life and now I changed it finally around to a place where I can slowly meet more and more of my desires, although they keep changing. What else? This is most likely the most positive thing that happened in the last two years approx. so I am just glad and I will see what will happen. What else happened? Some weird girl texted me and thanked me for last night thanking marc I am unsure if one of my friends pulled a prank etc etc. But I do think it's funny. I am out for now again. Let's see if I make some posts around psychdelics in the near future.
  3. Going to write a short post to regulate my emotions. I feel there is a need for me to meditate and dissociate from this org as much as possible as I don't like the herd mentality as well as don't feel appreciated at all. The issue of gratitude and people who legit never did a gratitude practice is also quiet obvious this also describes generally my luck in life. As well as the attempt to create synchrodestinty there are so many positive thoughts and general feelings of well-being for myself and others. I don't think this community is as advanced as the integral group and I need more healthy interactions with more healthy people. My attempts alone to become more social have paid off and even the David D course was worth it in a sense. I keep having weird dreams I dreamed again of some russian friend I had and we again did smth. like the magic carpet dream in an indian palace I wrote about. I stopped consuming the news, there is a study space where for every hour studied or so the .org pays money towards Ukranian children I think it was children. I really like this and I always join this room I don't understand how the other room can be so full and people seem disinterested in helping. Obviously there are many women there and just from my analysis side of things people high in compassion etc. Moving still has the utmost priority I don't currently text back as I keep holding myself back for some reason. I don't like socializing here in this space it's similar to going out in a ghetto somewhere and expecting to have great results in becoming social, my language will be like them etc. etc. As I'd have to adjust to that level of enviroment. The people here all seem to be socially incompetent to me besides the few people who are different, which makes it an issue as going out does not feel as rewarding. It's okay yet I'd prefer having a somewhat more normal playing ground and not needing to have the fear of experiencing racism again, violence etc. Drunk people are already enough on their own. Especiallly how the city is mixed there are major culture clashes and I currently don't have black friends here that I want to go out with. As I generally am more emotional when I speak english. There still is the issue of me sort of with right speech, right action etc. and the moral code. When going out as well as the negative racist experiences here not only presently, but also historically. I can't fathom how stupid people are here and I keep repeating that over and over again. People don't understand their own level of toxicity and bias. The effort for online-dating definitely paid off and I know now how it works better. I checked my psychologist website I find these coaches utterly disgusting as their achievements are basically nothing they really did on their own as well as you can read up 90% of the stuff. I really currently have contempt for coaches as they are wannabe gurus in disgusie and an attempt to make more money this makes me dislike humans again like how can you benefit from her coaching I can't take her seriously as what she did is not really an achivement for me. What annoys me the most is the modality and selling meditation without even having the proper competencies being spoilled sort of by shinzen and his guidance and teachings. They don't have any attainment and it's a stage orange pick-up of techniques to include it in some coaching format. Adressed to Green/Orange people. I don't know she must have done something she has so many competencies, yet we use none. AS well as I do seem to have some influence as she seems to get the competencies that seem yellow-ish and also now apparently does relationship coaching great. Lmfao. I do have to say when I have the same competencies and I would not earn more and or equally the amount of her while providing the same I'd have to say she'd be utterly priviliged I am still perplexed by how ignorant people are and how much their family money and having a somewhat normal family basically carried their success. I dunno I wish I had the opportunity to do stuff like this when I see her incompetencies lol. Overall I am unsure what the future will entail and if the LP will pay off or not if my intuition and insights are correct. I am amazed by how trained you can be and still feel so incompetent based on my PD work I basically outworked her payed courses from institutes she just has the certificates. The well-known classic. I will definitely grill her. I will grill her and get what I demand and deserve and I will tell her this I am not paying for some shitty coaching session when my journal has more value than a shitty coaching session. A guy in the gym potentially has more value by coaching himself to get buff then some instiutute coaching and then re-selling it like an information broker.
  4. This is again what is good and I find is missing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhT9UsMVEvg
  5. I am just going to write a post since a lot seems to be going on here. Mostly I wanted this as a space to reflect I talked today with my psychologist she can't really follow my train of thought and does not understand what I am talking about 90% of the time which is a super big issue, as I don't feel properly understood she also does not use any listening techniques I know from reading which is exactly one. I am unsure what we are doing I speak very radically about some stuff that bothers me and I don't see anyone talking about. I am unsure what the issue is I made a small list as I feel I often overwhelm her and she tells me she needs a break as I can easily talk for 2-3h .... and she can't really follow. I like her I am unsatisfied with her methods she sees herself as a pragmatist me as a "natural" idealist turned pragmatist sees her bullshit sort of I would like to work with her I am unsure if I would need a life coach I usually can handle negativity, depression etc. The main issue isolation and finding a community where I feel accepted. I struggle with the same issue here I don't really feel integrated in the community and there are also some very obvious biases which are denied as it's not properly talked about and I do have issues here also with my psychotherapist. I am not feeling all to well as I can't do stuff that I was passionate about I don't think she understands how severe this feels for me as she does not seem to be very sporty. Overall the interaction with her made me question the capacity of empathy and my dates. As well as how good intentions are simply good intentions without any sort of action. I was prone to this and good intentions severly help with the right action. Sometimes I just wonder what is the right action? That gives me the result that I want I thought about jogging in the forest even when it hurts my knees, yet this is how the problem started to begin with. I just loved to be able to do what I want with my body and I was not neccesarily the type of guy who'd take something as sacred for granted as I had some issues since birth with my body and I had to go to hospital a lot. I appreciated it not like a health nut, yet just as some fit dude. The more I worked out the more I noticed how sacred all of it is and how deeply I cherish it. I also don't like it currently that I can't mix psyches with heavy meditation practices as well as retreats as challenges for growth even in the personal releam.. meditation changed me a lot. I feel a bit sad that it is not being as heavily promoted as it was in 2016-17? here. There are also some attiude issues I have with Leo and I still wonder if it is again something in me which is triggered. I never thought I could be so arrogant in my whole life I don't think anyone thought that. I feel the levels of frustration I had to go through that were left unanswered made me sort of arrogant. Ultimately I don't know. I talked shortly with her about ketamine as she told me she done it with a patient, I don't think she is far-sighted enough and I most likely created some trust issues from here side, then again I don't fully trust her as I don't see her as competent enough for what I currently need. I don't know what we are doing 90% of the time and I think she should be leading and providing solutions. I was unable to find a systems therapy that actively engages with the clients own system. I seeked out one opportunity it was denied. Currently the going out issue I don't care all to much when okCupid and dating apps work even for dates I certainly have something going for me I never saw sex as something very important all do I mastrubate frequently just to deal with the urge. I am unsure how far I'll be able to grow as these massive setbacks are not exactly helping me then seeing it as a growth opportunity I am currently wondering what I am learning. I still do not really know. What is currently happening to me internally? Envy again is strong in me without a gratitude practice. There is a deep desire to bond with someone like-minded. Depression keeps sneaking back in without exercise. Meditation cleanses a lot of negativity and helps me to put in the hours to realize my goals/dreams and visions. Accepting letting go of perfection leads me to perfection when I don't stop letting go.... this is very difficult for me as there are still mistakes. My wholesome thinking can't seem to stop there is a lot of synthesis and people can't seem to be able to follow it Speaking rationally and linerally triggers my pain-body for some reason and wants me to dominate/win and sometime abjudicate smth. A lot of suffering internally, yet it does not seem to matter as much anymore there will always be some sort of iching, aching and pain. I do prefer to lessen it though and live blissfully. Self-sabotage hardcore and self-hatred unable to perceive a situation accurately because of lack of feedback. I sometimes feel the world is against me, but I feel it mostly not really think it. It's like collective hatred kicks-in for no reason. I want to provide aid and I think I have issues being selfish even from stage orange. I am relatively assertive, yet I get that feedback now for sometimes I still can't fathom like ... uhh.... how being selfish. I feel a lot of hatred and anger and sadness. 80% of the time I feel neutral though I do feel hurt and betrayed by Leo and his teachings as it was one of the few role models as I had for masculinity etc. as funnily enough bald men have in my "traumatic" life story been the most providing people. The best coaches also I had. I know a weird thing to say. I pressure myself a lot to perform and can't find a proper release sure playing video games helps, yet it's not the same as challenging yourself physically especially in a HIIT? style. Weird relation to the idea of gaining competence and skill with the desire to be a rule/role minded expert (cook greuter iirc... ) as well as competence the former is replling to me, yet seems to give me the impetus to be of competence lean and non-fluff, which can be an issue. As lean and fluff is different for many people as well as I have a tendency for synthesis, concepts makes lean and non-fluff easier. What is currently happening to me externally? I think my therapist is only medicore for what I need and for what research I could possible bring-up to solve the issue. I might be done quite soon with stuff that bothered me ages ago basically since I was a teen and was provided close to 0 opportunity and if yes funds were not available. I have a wild beard. I stopped my fat loss process and 6 pack abs training. I stopped my gym routine since 4-5 weeks now? I keep having some sort of headache when I drink coffee, yet it helps to deal with the feelings of apathy and drudgery. I really can't care less anymore about dating. My main goal was to become social years ago and I attended events and was just there without theory, without a script, without knowing how to be social I know now more. I received my first ever job offer and was invited to a job interview at a company where I did an internship ages ago. I don't like it there even though they cool I felt very happy as it was something I felt I truely achieved on my own.. A SUPERB CLASSIC. All the courses I started from Google and IBM Google is like 95% done. IBM I stopped etc. I need a different kind of therapist and coach to deal with that workload currently. My psychologist is not interested in high performance and I wanted to train to do at least a triathlon once in my life a small one etc. I buy a lot of alcohol to deal with boredom and depression and fear as I can't currently feel it all and move through it and I generally don't have an issue with fear it's an exciting emotion. That is what I learned from online learning courses to deal with exam anxiety as it's possible to trick your brain. I do think this is a handy "trick" for approaches. Again even without using the app my matches are getting hotter. Which is cool that the courses and efforts I made without the revisions I already took is paying off. Psychologist there is some issue with how we handle the process of the therapy that I can't find I have the impression she lacks in effort, yet that is not entirely true, she can only do what she can do. It's not enought it's nice and unfortunately it's not enough I need a different modality. The city here provides also an infrastructure that is to solid enough. The courses for medtation etc. Are to infrequent and corona made a lot of issues also and the group therapy thingy, the people here scared the living shit out of me if you can't speak high german I am out. The spot had ultra bad vibes and has not a very good repute. No gratitude journal currently. No bullet journal currently. No journaling happening. I watched the new Leo episode I stopped taking notes on stuff that has no profundity and in the end I am prone to think a lot about it and then I decide to take action. I've never been a slacker really, I just happen to have to be in a circumtance with a lot of fking slackers in my enviroment. It's like men don't even want to fking work. 90% of the people are scared of my professors as he grills them and I enjoy it? Not as some sado-machochism perversion simply because it's challegning and pioneering... it's unfortunate that I can't seem to find other ambitious people in real life and not via the internet here. Otherwise I definitely want to find a community where I feel accepted as well as a place this would provide me with some security I would have started judo again, if it would not have been for my knee as I liked the amber connection there a lot as it reminded me of my childhood. I checked out a zen center here last year it was a bit weird but okay. I stopped going there for some reason as I was working so much it did not workout at all doing 3 projects and working out outside. I can do max two projects depending on difficulty etc. I stopped acquiring know-hows and knowledge as it made me very arrogant and I often feel the moral obligation to explain everything and be inspring to others, it seems to have the opposite effect and people woreshiped my practical nature working out lifting weights etc. and marveled at my theoretical concepts. I still wonder how *cough* you can be to even consider one word of what someone or me ever says correct. I mean how do you know? I don't really like blind trust without a deep bond ...uhh.. I see what will happen I just stay clear from this forum there are good and bad sides to it. I can't seem to deal with my pain-body issues and racism as it's something that deeply offends me and I don't think people realize how deeply. I find it retarded to go out to have some white guy in a club say I hate n****ers just to raise his social status? Like can you give me a break for 2months or so. ---- Going of on a tangent here like usually I hoped that therapy could address these issues with racism and trauma and basically it's a form of bullying in my eyes as I don't have an issue morally to interact with racist people obviously there are qualms, yet the emotional reality after a while just kicks in to hard and I stop interacting with the person for my own well-being as I just see it was toxic body of thought. Sometimes I feel sad that I can't help them to understand and see we actually get along. It's weird. Overall I can only say I can't again find the competent help that ressonates with my inner being at all with my values, with my life trajectory etc. As well as a modality that helps with trauma/shadow etc. Without doing it completely on my own which is not all to healthy in the long run. I am 100% convinced you can't do it alone, you need others, yet you have to do it alone. That is also the main issue I see with this .org the issue of doing it alone without some sort of network. I mean even Leo does game, has a family he interacts with on some level and I bet does other stuff. Has girlfriends etc. Sometimes this vibe of doing it alone completely rubs off and I think it stinks. I am a happy loner btw, I love being alone. So yeah. What else? This is good for today there has not been a lot of constructive stuff happening. I somehow stopped integrating paradoxical thing or seemingly paradoxical thing somehow. All in all I don't feel happy and I am majorly disappointed in actualized.org, Leo, my therapist, my family, my father in myself, my friends and there competencies etc. I wish I had more positive experiences with people this again seems to be re-inforcing the issue of incompetencies and what works for you might not work for me and finding the right kind of people. I don't blame them I feel disappointed by how I feel treated basically by all of them basically besides my mother maybe. *Sigh*... sometimes stuff is so obvious that it is self-created still this massive self-created toxicity is difficult to deal with as HSP. I could run endlessly typing I will stop this is enough.
  6. Going to write a post I am not feeling properly healthy thanks to coffee, yet my brain does not stop wanting to wanting to consume information there have been times where it was worse. I've read some news about crypto regulation which makes some stuff difficult because I'd be forced to identify my self. There are various issues and hypocracies I'd like to point out in society for example that confidence is a given and not learned behaviour is one thing I watched, as I saw some doctors Youtube series. There are various thoughts and reasons and again mostly only gifted people seem to understand my reasoning it's very annoying having to deal with this. The dating section of the forum without some members and Leo is very bad. People should not give low quality advice and myopia based on short cited perception and misunderstanding and misinterpretations. The situation in Ukraine and the headlines in the news seem to be concerning to me. As well as how this community basically is holding itself together, yet this is a common issue in my life. I find it odd, that seemingly others receive so much support and I don't apparently I have to give it again? Like Eckhart Tolle sometimes stuff is very paradoxical. Overall I am quiet satisfied with my results I will review the scam episode from Leo with notes again as this will be a perennial issue. I still have the fundamental issue of having access to everything and nothing. I mean I could again go out with a rich dude who knows a ton of hot people. Guys and girls alike. Right now still working on the issue of depression is more important, yet I miss proper tools. I cancled my integral account last month and generally I mostly post to feed needs I crave. I am still not done with the course from Julian and I better talk with my psychologist the issue with rejection, rage, anger and blame issue and injustices. As well as what can be done with that. I thought about presenting a list to her of what we could do as action steps, as she is to passive in a sense and consistently suprised by me. Otherwise posting less journaling was one tool to gain more emotional awareness. The point is not calling out issues makes me feel left unsatisfied again also intellectual integrity is missing a lot here on the forum a lot of personal biases and stage orange assholeness. What else is important today? Mainly what I wanted to say is I think there will be some sourcing issues for psychedelic users if these new "post-modern" laws are passed from greens and lefties with regards to the crypto market. I hope they will "deregulate" access to some of it so I can use it as a tool. I am still perplexed by how often I end up in leading positions based on having the bigger picture and more information at hand. Regardless if it is offline as well as online. As well as how emotionally immature and juvenile some are I always disliked this. Still going out is 80% emotions 20% analysis. I am quiet fortunate and I dislike to evoke this envy comparrision ideas, yet I can't deny a lot of my self-esteem relies in my looks as I received so many compliments and you can have 10-20 "tell tale" signs of what makes a guy attractive. I can't expect social competency from a fundamentally flawed and socially incompetent forum. The main issue with integrity and vulnerabillity and authenticity I have is this people sniff out everything and contort it to their own survival agenda and benefit many don't have a true yellow causing no harm to other self-interest. Like for example learning software architecture to benefit a company as a whole. There have been some minior synchronicities with my date as well as with my coffee machine, yet I do have to lament and bemoan the level of consciouness of the forum, as well as emotional and moral maturity. In the end it's a process what I hate about Zoomers and some "infographics" I've read is they focus so much on the result as well as tangible and proofable thing. If something is seemingly untrue. It's like virtue has close to 0 value anymore and only the result counts, not the effort. Which is an utterly toxic mindset of an entire generation. In the end there obviously is truth to it, yet it mostly runs on the competency and effort spectrum. Not having it and not having it spectrum. Again tiny brain dump. I could write for hours and days. I notice my own development is important again also for others. As well as there might be some future issue with psychedlic usage and following Leo's work when these laws are passed. I might just don't know also, as sourcing is forbidden. I don't know for now it's funn how this is a stage turqouise quality admitting to not know and how many people cling to their perceptions. Then again etc. etc. Also the counter dependence bias of having to do research alone and doing everything completely alone. Like do your own research! Do your own XYZ! Do your own asshole! I am pretty sure this causes stage 1 macho jerk biases or this sigma male attitude of not relying on other peoples help etc. etc. sigh.... garbadge and trash - My stage orange comment of the day. As well as I guess spritual bypassing is big on here. Praise the lord and address the issues. Oh and the hypocrtical highly competent far-off diagonses are just great also. Everything seems to be a pathology these days.... again just letting go of perfection feels way to good and rewarding. I make a quick gratitude journal: I am thankful for caffeine boosting my mood. I am thankful again for random hot matches and an awesome date I am thankful for compliments I receive I am thankful for a somewhat supportive family I am thankful for perceiving consciouness and high value people as well as standing up for my values
  7. @bloomer Bro please 😭😭😭😭😭😭 https://www.collinsdictionary.com/de/worterbuch/englisch/paradoxical THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  8. @bloomer There are various issue I don't think people properly comprehend. I made a list as it generally easier for people to comprehend as it's more readable if the text has some structure for others. If I'd had a a big picture answer I'd have more insight to take action. Not really it's just frustrating reading low quality answers. I don't agree with your opinion as well as your "equation" there are various forms of relationships that are valid. Basically we are both seeking to have a good time together and a casual relationship as well as having just some fun/one night stand or even friends with benefits. Basically nothing serious. If that is to much for you and I have to include every tiny detail in order to comprehend please don't answer any of my threads. It's quiet pointless. I give you the answer that seems to cause the missunderstanding. I am not exercising since 2-3 weeks. If something seemingly paradoxical is to much to handle for you. You have your own set of issues and should not provide help. So again please don't answer my posts then lol. Again please refrain from providing low quality answers. Anything big picture is appreciated or just quality advice. I answer low quality ones also, yet I will call that out!!!
  9. @bloomer This provides close to 0 help. Quiet frankly I do care. I'd have to explain walls of text and this will quickly derail even then. I've been actively working out for 1 year and some stuff is more enviromental. I feel way better in certain enviroments. I am close to 0 as normie as possible. I will delete the thread/post with such low quality answers. I am sorry. This is very bad. I am also not looking for a long-term relationship. Please read carefully before you answer. I wrote she is not looking for something serious. Assumptions are a m*therfucker.
  10. Yo currently I am quiet depressed I had an awesome date a couple of weeks ago with a women who had a lot of traits that are similar to my love map that I created from a relationship course. The point is the depression is quiet serious for me and even though meeting people is one fundamental way to solve that issue and to be social. People also can't tell that I am depressed or not as I easily can become enthusiastic. I still don't know if I can meet her as this level of depression is wrecking my life apart and I have to find a different way to solve that issue currently as I am at my wits end here. At best at a biological level. I consulted doctors I don't like to take anti-depressants and I generally eat healthy. I currently don't exercise as I am very frustrated with the results and quality of people at the gym. Especially there it triggers a lot of pain body stuff and I still need an operation. Good things: Things are slowly getting better I am just standing in my own way I usually am very honest and forward Date loved to meet me Nobody knows I am depressed so it does not affect other people She enjoyed talking about psychdelics She enjoyed talking about SD theory She enjoyed talking about spirituality and meditation She was very high in empathy and it felt healing talking to her compared to any other date I had She is also quiet adventerous and lived in another country She is interested in nothing serious which is perfect in my situation She was even interested to go clubbing with me in a better city Sexual attraction seemd to be one even with cam She liked my vision a lot Bad things: I guilt trip myself She lives further away I don't really have time for her I don't like to disappoint people I don't value sex as much and she lives further away which is bothersome with logistics I feel like grooming my dates to higher stages SD I won't absolutely be able to meet her in the next weeks as I have work to do and it is as tough as it is with depression and an irrevocable injury No abundance currently as I don't date and I don't go out Fundamentally it's my conscience holding me back because I am depressed and there are a few things that I find pretty toxic in myself, yet I can't fully work on this stuff. The meeting was post-poned as she was going on vacation she is back this week. Thoughts? About texting and meeting up? I'd basically drive to her city and sleep at her place and visit the city. That was the plan But I would have to tell her it's possible only in a couple of weeks as it's difficult as it is working with depression.
  11. There are various thoughts that I am going through right now I am posting this 3 am I looked into some coaching facilities, yet I don't think they can help me based on what they offer although I did not even look for 15 minutes. The one thing that looked semi-decent was just to modern. I don't really trust people who use OCEAN. Currently I am still dropping in levels of consciouness. Hopefully this tragedy soon comes to an end. I am debating wether or not to text my date to meet as I am just not going out. I also brought back the coffee machine my depression is extremely real right now and coffee seems to help, I did also not go to the gym for the past 2-3 weeks. As an honest update. I just currently can't stomach the level of consciouness of the forum. With all the prep work I've done. Today was the most productive day. In a couple of weeks. I will not be online for sometime as this is quiet serious. I messed up the last two years even with help it was impossible I am to much of a rebel and I often do the exact opposite unconsciously and consciously of what people expect I defy my own and others expectations. Main reason I write in this journal was to have a tool to contemplate I still need some form of socialization and I am socially quiet selective. I am unsure where to find a proper mentor as well as if the enviroment is the issue. Anhedonia was very real the last 2-3 weeks. Currently I am mostly just lurking as I did in the beginning and put in the work. Usually I don't show this "extroverted verbose" side of me to anyone who I don't like some I like instantly and I just show it so no bs happens. I still don't think the level of consciouness of the forum helps me in my circumstance it's hit or miss or a gamble rather. I stopped watching the news, I cried serval times because of the situation in Ukraine and the insanity of what just is there. I did MDMA apparently also with a friend. I definitely will try to find a doctor who can help me with depression at best a psychiatrist as this is re-occuring to often. Also it could be the turblances that I had to go through I never really had it smooth. I had to integrate it a lot even when I felt more advanced than most. It's still dificult for me to connect to others even when I connected to myself a lot and naturally am a person who tries to understand and connect as well as use empathy and compassion. My issue is growing up with so called know-it-alls and having sometimes this phlegmatic attitude of them is very dismissive, as they already know right? I feel better not following politics currently. It causes a lot of rage/anger. I also notice I don't have control over some painbody aspects that is quiet surreal. Otherwise the knee situation is messing with my head. Also many have close to 0 empathy for this, as I told this my friend he told me be happy you can still walk. That is one of the most unempathic responses you can give. I am sort of used to this know-it-all asshole empathy responses, as my family and generally people here pride themselves of rationality. I still don't have Tinder or any of this, there are more questions that I have and the forum does not have much value besides for entertainment purpose and still seeing that others are on their journey. I had a super hot match that suprised the living shit outta me and etc. etc. Currently this manosphere thingy is getting a bit outta hand my sex drive is also uber über uber über on. I still wonder where I can find proper doctors as I find generally people don't treat me fairly and don't quiet understand how I want to address issues like depression. Currently Eckhart Tolle audiobooks is again the only thing that helps me to focus on the big picture. I watched the new episode from Leo I stopped taking notes a longtime ago, as I am unsure how I perceive the value of the episodes as support is simply lacking and I really need this with a person in flesh and blood not video. It's also very difficult to relay all of this information to none understanders of the stuff Leo teaches and I was eager to embody it. There are also some uncomfortable opinions that are most likely correct about dating, yet it's fine. For now I'll find my way somehow. I do have to say frankly I have never been so unhappy in my life and my socialization experiences, although all of my dates have been quiet positive etc. There are things I don't understand and I can't find the proper ressources somehow. I also feel Leo often produces the opposite effect in me that is absolutely destructive in my life with his videos. The issue is I lost 100% really 100% now of my friend of my closest friends through this work integration proccesses shadow work, meditation, psychedelics and I utterly trusted them. I feel betrayed as hell I don't blame Leo and I don't blame the work either, it just makes me angry sometimes that it is the way that it is as I truely loved the connection I've built with them meeting new people is fun. Yet I have an issue of being very business like as people are quiet shady. The biggest issue is that my vision is completely gone? Sharing it with my dates was more inspiring than anything I've done even though I don't really feel this is my vision anymore, it's still my vision as there are no new insights it's the same desire that drives me towards wanting my vision etc. I generally don't feel very stable as there are no proper socialization options that I can regard as competent and this stage yellow drive is extremely strong in me. I looked some critique up on the Wiki page of SD. I am unsure what all of this will be I lost a lot of opportunities based on lonleyness and isolation. It's really like a bomb hit my home, I can't really do anything as 90% of what happend with outside my circle of influence. I can't control corona, I can't control the death of people, I can't control that people don't like my anymore, I can't control an illness/condition fully. I can't revoke any of these. It's very permanent. I do feel mentally clearer staying away from the forum mostly. Watching integral also feels more wholesome and healthy as well as empathic and compassionate. There are still various social issues that bother me when I relate to others there is a lot of anger because of injustices. I do have most likely to resort to some integral theory as they really have a lot of answers for the relative spectrum. I currently don't find Leo a very inspiring person I'd love to say it, yet I am feeding myself the posion of resentment. He is in a sense like my mother blaming others for taking things for granted while in reality he is as well as projecting that and again Leo bashing is also not the way. I don't think these people fully understand. Trauma is about what you did not do, not what you did. We could talk about forgivness etc. yet currently I can't really fathom all of these and there are to many practices. I am happy currently when I meditate I have never been so derailed because of racist Tier 1. From beige-green.
  12. Making an obligatory post. I commited to not going out I legit preferred working and reading on the weekend and obviously playing video games and meeting friends. Yet I won't grow socially that way. The main issue I see here there are not many benefits of me meeting the people here in a sense it's not what I am looking for, also this journal has the counter-prodcutive effect of me not doing what I want to do 90% of the time. I still might go out out of boredom and since it's happening late and I am already integrated with them I might be able to pull it off, the dude is still a mystery to me. Otherwise there is not much to reflect upon. It's just pure chaos everywhere with Corona and Ukraine my date can't fly which derails meeting and getting laid also. The other girl deleted her account after I did not reply for 1 day. The half spanish/german women does not reply. I read a study that "Gendern" is supposed to have the opposite effect and makes you think more of women? Only writting for example Bürgerinnen und Bürger is supposed to make you think of both genders. I looked at the current chairwomen of Bündnis 90/Grüne she legit has no degree and stopped studying when her father died in the same year and has a pretty traumatic childhood in a sense. I thought about corruption, yet it's sort of amazing that she made it. The only sport I can really do is swimming without hurting my leg. I did not go to the gym this week. I feel like I am addicting to dopamine and I need a break my sex drive also is quiet high. I am unsure what will happen with new pictures I should get a shit ton of new matches and that should also give me more confidence going out, although I don't really value it. I am unsure if I need a challenge or anything, I just lack currently the energy, I might have to change my nutrition or just eat more fruits. I wish sometimes I would not have an atheletic build so I have to eat less and do more work, yet this body needs so much food. I can also tolerate a lot of not eating food. I dunno I just feel something is missing it's either high level consciouness and skill progression as well as the right activity to just forget everything for a while.
  13. @Razard86 Lucid Dreaming is basically the western form of dream yoga which originated in Tibet. You can check-out Andrew Holeceks work. I downloaded his audiobook and practiced it a couple of times, although I'd prefer doing this over at a retreat. As this can really mess with you sleep schedule and I did not practice it seriously. https://www.andrewholecek.com/biography/ I never heard lucid dreaming in combination with manifestation, there are other issues that happen within the dreamscape I am not going to spoiler it also, as I generally am currently a bit skeptical as well as I don't have full control over my dreams, so I can't verify it myself. I've just recently started to practice manifestation for 7 months or so with my own meditations, can't really deny that it somehow worked, yet currently I regard it as a time waste and I am more interested in raising my level of consciouness as well as my emotional experience and manifest more fluently in that sense, instead of relying on techniques etc. I also act more on synchronistic events and I will definitely go back at it again in the future, meanwhile I had pretty bad/medicore results with manifestations although I took action. Although if I am very critical I did get what I want in a sense, yet it felt very draining.
  14. @Kshantivadin Yeah I included it in my dating-profile as a description of myself, as I saw the idea somewhere and some women described their values also, it was interesting to see how they describe their values. Many really never think about this I mean people in general.
  15. There is a lot of technical historical talk. I just leave this here as I am no expert on this subject, but I find this good as a big picture view.