ValiantSalvatore

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  1. I will not post anymore. To get off the forum for a while. Will most likely continue to watch videos. I'll keep the intention to use my physical journal and ideally text humans.
  2. This should be day 4 I will count all my streaks of what I intend to do and then further elaborate and all of the stuff, I am thinking about to be more and more conscientious. Weekly review Meditation: Not counting that. Did my 1h practice today. Stretching exercises: Did it about 3 times for 15 min. Gym/Sports: Went to the gym 5 times now approx. 1h: With let's say approx. 3h and 45min total. Studying about: 6-8h I did not study a lot I was organizing and still want to fix studying habits. Shadow work: Did it 2 or three times not a lot of material this week Nofap streak for 1 week approx. Visualization before going to bed 10min, 5 times a week or so. Distractions this week + Review of the month. To much youtube and enlightenment videos, not working on life purpose. To much grasping and trying to understand what is supposed to be not understandable. Too much planning without much action. Too much distraction through being a bit overwhelmed with to many projects and trying to keep mental health intact without relying on other humans. Since, tbh I am not the best socializer, yet most people I talked to gave me the compliment that they enjoy talking with me which is odd. I do not initiate conversations, which is an introverted thing, because talking without a purpose is seen as a waste. Yet, talking for talking's sake is a skill where I have grown a lot. Yet, try that in an introverted or more introverted leaning country lol. No, having a sleep schedule. I accepted this for now and stopped working on this since I can't implement the life that I want. Perfectly at the moment, I am simply missing the money to do that and a sleep schedule is something I want to try in the future again. Now, it is more about becoming more fatigued in order to fall asleep or even to work through and then fall asleep. Goal-wise, I became obviously closer to enlightenment, yet of course, I am so far away, my cat is more enlightened than me. I did one retreat and did a wanna be a weekend retreat again. Where I was checking how long can I even meditate, my posture is not yet perfect. Otherwise, going back home is difficult but sometimes necessary for me? There is no student life her, sports teams etc. You have to organize everything yourself and a car would be extremely beneficial. I could join some clubs, I tried french for two semesters, but nobody has interested her in languages. I hate this college I would love to build a harem and fuck every androgenetic creature. (No Idea). It's just very very local. Reviewing my goals: What I can improve on. Study time and study habits, even when I pick a specific time I struggle with keeping it even when I did it in the past. I wanted to study 4+ a day. I am currently around 4h. Which is great again. Now, I want to study 6h a day, not including lectures. Minimum. Obstacles:... I did this before to make sure. Not working out and going outside, distracted by journaling and writing, because of boredom. Boredom: Decrease boredom through the rebel tactic. More BELOW What I improved on this month and week: Buying a whiteboard for habits, and a couple of pens to schedule. Nootropics testing, Bacopa Moneri, and L-Theanine are quite cool, also iron supplements are good, it is more convenient to live vegan, I can cook "more healthy" food or vegetarian then with meat. Solely, because of skill. Also, B12 Vitamins is something I take every day. What I learned this month this is going to be an extendo, so as usual I started listening to an audiobook again because of the incentive of having an experience of self-design. It just sounded cool and interesting and also I wanted to get to the depth of myself, of what am I made out of, what is the fabric of my creation as some sort of form/gestalt/human/animal/god/demi-god etc. So, what I also plan to do is to get some social media aka instagram, in order to post challenges and see if they work as an incentive to continue a habit. Habitica etc. Is annoying for me. I do not like that. Anyway, after the retreat I went kind of nuts I believed that my cat is Allan watts literally because of some weird synchronicities which keep appearing and which is just odd, that is why I changed back to listening to Deepak Chopra, and these synchronicities make sense from a symbolic level or meaning interpretation level. So, I saw how much meditation and a "cult" which would be me with my dwindling narccism, can be produced only be not being aware of the subtlest intention of power. I have no idea, my stage "red" I thought it was somehow healthy it is imo, but I don't act it out healthy, I do not become assertive or go out and do sports or turn frustration and resentment into healthy ambition. Transmuting these emotions more to a stage orange drive. Instead of having aggresion which moves me forward on stage red and just accepts parts of my psychopathy, I do have a tendecy to be authoritive, thank you mom for comparing myself to my dad great work. Anyway, this is quite personal, but I tend to not care much anymore about this, what I learned was solely believing enlightenment without any sort of support structure and help around other personal development topics, such as shadow work or money, relationships, addictions etc. Won't be of much use, and I saw the potential of a cult, being healthy, in the sense of having so much believed in an ideal etc. That one wants to merge and come close to it. So, a healthy cult ? This is just an idea, there are so many humans, one should be against the whole system even inside the system, to maintain order. Advocatus Diaboli. Is a role one can play in a group. Being a critic. Now what I plan to do this week: Continue to use this form of accountability for 30 days. Currently 3/30 Use other journals for emotiona turmoil and exercises compassion exercise do it 4 times a week and shadow work when neccessary. Study each day for 6h, this is doable and will be noted here. Write down a new challenge on the board. Use google calendar more and get used to the program. Use the rebel way to enable habits, so here I go. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-happiness-project/201709/habit-strategies-and-tips-rebels http://simplywellcoaching.com/blog/rebel-tendency/ https://alchemizelife.com/blog/2017/2/23/rebel-with-a-cause https://www.creategoodmornings.com/the-4-tendencies-morning-habits/ Are articles I glimpsed over I will use them now to establish a new idealization of my life purpose. Strategy of identiy I see myself as intelligent because I respect other humans intelligence and dislike reductions. I see myself as autonomous since I realize it is an important skill and mindset to have and even autonomous humans are interrelated I see myself as different in order to not be sucked into mediocrity I see myself as an athlete because I respect my body and want to treat it well. I see myself as courageous because I have overcome adversities that never thought of overcoming I see myself vulnerable because I accept pain and the feeling of overcoming it and crying feels great I see myself as an author because I want to write my story I see myself as a live long learner, I deeply value learning and improving skill sets and stocks of knowledge. Strategy of Clarity Why, what and what do I want. What does ignite a burning passion in me. I want to have the habit of studying 6h a day starting from that, I already have 4h a day mostly going which is cool and great. Yet, it is not enough. Why did I want to do it ? I remember as a kid I always wanted to do something intellectual, yet my family was non-practical pratical, all the do is talk the things everybody knows about, and then hedonistically slave their lives to their energy and time. I want to be a creator, I want to be a man a warrior, someone with an killer instinct, even in regards to studying. I want to be great. What do I want then? I want to be an A.I research and then step into a different path and see where I can do something for on the global scale. I started to enjoy math, and solving problems, it feels like I can grow, and learn and embody traits that have been suppressed my family and school. Especially family. I want to become the greatest version of myself, while doing what the fuck I want to do, not you, not her, not it, not someone else, but for me and in return for others. And at the same time exercise and practice compassion and or mindfulness. I want to become the greatest version of myself. This is my STRATEGY OF CLARITY !! I will do and enjoy doing different things, plan ahead in different journals and reduce time spent on her, that is what I want to do and will do. Therefore besides Sundays, I will take 20 min each night to hold myself accountable to this structure, writing down my strategy of identity and remembering that I am a mixture of rebel and questioner. So, asking why being flexible, not having the perfect structure and accepting on working on things I want to do the most is perfectly fine, yet keep in mind that identity as a rebel is most important, so change that! When I feel bored write down what you like about the thing that you are procrastinating on, write down what you want and how does it aid you. Every single time, I am inclined to procrastinate or procrastinated! No Excuses ! And then sit down and do it ! No excuses ! Simply enactment ! Note: I also ordered the life practice programme again, I thought I did not need it but this is a perfect exercise.
  3. Eckhart Tolle even talking about cults. The practice I am involved with partially apparently Another interview with Ken Wilber French Buddhist monk in action Somehow creepy and interesting
  4. Alright, let's start. I've contemplated and watched the new Eckhart Tolle video today, and saw how even he changed because how society changed, he actually used a German word and manipulated the crowd to become more conscious at one point, I saw or perceived how he was saying Mensch to have some sort of impression of a human being, not sure about the historical context of that. Next, I am a bit ashamed but not very much that I actually saw something which was of the value of me, after talking to TJ Reeves I looked into the test that he started and found something out. That I am a Rebel, which I never would have thought, I always thought I am more of a questioner since people always ask me, what do you mean? Why do you say that? Why do you question things so much? Anyway and resist expectations. Which is normal for me. Yet, I am unsure what I can learn from that. Anyway I hate this forum sometimes and I am not going to repeat what I wrote and found out that a rebel is capable of having structure and at the same time the best option is to change his identity and to have strategic clarity about his purpose, so keep reminding myself and writing down the reasons and programming them into my sub-consciousness is a great gateway for achieving higher realms of productivity and finally embodying my vision. With all of that in mind I wanted to re-strategize Strategic clarity: Why did I start and continue to follow my life purpose, since it includes the passions I've had as a child, yet never honed and, therefore, I can't fully enjoy them. Why do them then? Because these are the feelings I had as a child when I recall correctly William James said or Freud it is the oceanic feeling, a feeling (almost) of rupture and pure bliss. I can remember having so much fun learning languages and interacting with humans, at the same time programming and enjoying asking questions, and even doing the math and overall being smart is enjoyable. Why do I slack of then ? Sometimes it is normal it is a state of homeostasis of re-regulation of body/mind and especially old habits. So, having a new identity will help, so buying clothes is even important for me now, but it has to be authentic 100%!! Otherwise, it will only be another curse. -> Clarity and Strategic intent to remember when visualizing my lp before going to bed why do it and what it means to me identity wise, what I want to do and especially expect to destruct all expectations that I have of myself and that I have of others, An ultimate no mind. With the sensibility of running wild on train tracks to a never-ending destiny, reaching the speed of light, smacking trains into the universe. Now, what else is important? -> For this journal here keep in mind clarity of strategic intent and keep writing why you are doing it and why it felt so good to begin with keep reading even when it is just a re-glimpsing of some sort of information. Today I read in the book thick face black heart: Never hit a dog when you don't know who is the owner, it said that in China that a stray dog will be hit or shied away? By some sort of means. Because he is a bad omen, or maybe starts eating someone who is dead? It said further that you should never hit it when you do not know the owner, so never hurt someone? If you do not know who he belongs to, for example, he could be the rich frat boy whose family works for the hospital and earns a shit ton of money, or he mother of a father is a lawyer. Also, another example was how a small fish eats a big fish and a big fish a small one. Something along these lines and there was an example of a fox who associates himself with a tiger, since in his natural habitat he is quite fragile, even though he is sharp. He wants someone stronger in order to protect his fragility from other predators. The author then says these two are exchangeable and only a metaphor. My take on this is currently, every student or beginner is a fox somehow somewhere and if he or she is unable to find someone who shares his strength, wisdom and durability with him or he. She will be lost, since it is difficult for her to deal with her weaknesses. A personal example, I would want to work with someone who is better at designing and spatial thinking and creating, since I keep being analytical and like ideation. So, even when my ideas are great to implement them I would need a tiger of design/thinking/creating. What did I do today? -> 1h meditation -> approx. 1h 30 min studying -> 1h working out approx. -> reading sporadically ->Being confused by too many audiobooks ->Some stretching I had planned to do in the morning for 15min ->Ordered a whiteboard -> Communicated some other things What I intend to do (present and future self) -> Write down challenges on the white board and cross them off. (I have a calender where I do this with the visualization habit) -> Continue to write a strategic intent and have a clarity of purpose -> Accept your chaos focus on priorities -> Study today till 2 am. -> Focus on why a specific idea or the overall principle adds personal value to me. -> Search for a short compassion exercise.
  5. So, today I just did a couple of screens for my HCI project and held my team accountable to the project. I am moving slowly forward, as so often. Yet, I am moving. What I am ultimately afraid of is not being able to finish the other projects since I have 4 or 5. They are all doable, yet I am getting more hints into what my life purpose will ultimately unfold into, my meditation today was fine but I am not very flexible which causes frustrations even when I stretch and I still fear deeply that people will make fun of me. So, this is a hardcore trigger for potential, I am going to get at your throat. Which I've done before. It is very difficult for me to like humans, that are fundamentally racist, bigoted and not interested in teaching others. Everyone is afraid of looking bad or being exposed as a weakling, drama queen, hypocrite etc. This is a generalization, yet I can't figure out and tbh currently it is not necessary, why even do smth. It feels great to work out, to have fun with humans. Yet, I am still so attached to the notion of love, while I can't train effectively into that direction, besides having a relationship, which I do not intend to have, still a part of me yearns for that. That is normal even for enlightened people as far as Eckhart Tolle says. What I did today -> Watched to many videos -> 2-3h of learning and organizing the team -> Washing clothes -> Working out 1h -> Meditation 1h That is it for now, I will continue to study till approx. 2am and then see what pop's into my mind. I am very angry currently and even with shadow work that I am not doing things perfectly or correctly or in some way fine. I still externalize blame, yet currently, there are so many synchronistic events, it gives me hope and a chance to do something with my life. Since, I've become more awoke and see other people sharing their journey. Mastering emotions and the like would be cool, but I never earned much money in my life. I volunteered there went abroad etc. Yet, I can't stop thinking how privileged other humans are. Tbh. I would love to contemplate the topic. I do not even know if this is journaling anymore. Or some form of contemplation. I still have memories of my childhood where my German family just kept my voice down, I was afraid of speaking to them at the table, since all I received was blame from a narccistic grandparent. Now, I feel I have to deal with past and present life's. I also watched a video about cult's and retraced it back to some of the Cults and ended up watching JP videos, about sociopath and psychopath and it is insane how they manipulate people. I did not even know that this was possible in that way, their body language and stomping on the table using sound as a tool to manipulate the surroundings. Is insane. How he even to me at least appears somehow normal. Also, all of this cult stuff just makes me sad. I always wanted to be part of something, but never (stage purple) had the feeling that I belonged to a tribe, of athletst, to my family, friends etc. I am unsure how much integration I need in lower stages. Yet, I know I lack the ability to enact change.
  6. @Brenzo2 I did watch it but I have no idea what I can take out of the video when I keep testing my hearing capabilities since this is included in my meditation, I can see how people are not interested in doing what they want to do. They are not aware that they are creating a cult fully? I don't know that is how I feel in the students' dorm, they can't keep their dick down since there are not very many opportunity or chances to do sports, and all people envy, money fame etc. -> Just curious what you think about the situation with young human beings in the EU from 18-27 This is a very boring philosophy and the political climate and climate itself starts to heat? That is what I read in the news anyway I am going to set myself a timer and try to keep myself as accountable as possible with my non-linear algorithmic approach. Nerds are still the best. Fuck soccer agility sling shits. Anyway Today I talked to my professor for the HCI project, the campus seems to me somehow going more and crazier and every person yearns for excellence, achievement, Intelligenz, but no one has fun in doing that. All they want to get rid of is their emotional turmoil and at the same time all they do is curse to feel like a stronger and better chimpanzee, they have not yet decoded some type of fair chimpanzee behavior and I can't tell how much attention and observation is required to not be pissed of to some provocation. Or a sound. Meditation My meditation practices are going crazier and I keep feeling and getting angry because of the students and that they are secular pieces of shit, they just want to rebel and rub their dick against some wall. They hurt other people on purpose, I often love I'd had a baseball bat to whack them away into outer space and let them be tortured apart, by molecular structures when I torture them with Ruper Sheldrake Audiobooks. -> So this is my meditation process they keep being loud and I get triggered since an American identity of being loud and great is projected upon me and they see me as some great or tall figure. All this racial mixing is retarded and there is certainly an unspoke hierarchy. When I am at a good mood I am happy, they say they don't care but feel they must, why not accept what is? Same with my professor he greeted me out of an equanimous space. Not sure why it is so difficult for extroverted people to be so loud indoors when they are not working or doing something productive just annoying. -> Still, meditation is getting better and better I am moving more into an equanimous space losing consciousness and all the feelings around me trigger the psychedelic trip, it almost feels as if I am opening up my sternum and become a bodhisattva but then I would need to laugh like a psychopath. They don't understand that language hurts, especially the intentions, so I wish most extraverted human beings a happy death. Besides ESTP. What I did today: -> Worked out 1h jogging with a friend -> Went to programming class -> meditation 40 min -> cleaning my room a little bit -> studied and did some ideation a little bit -> did not make much progress, but still some ! I went quite mad in class since the young kids there do not understand female and male relationships, me neither tbh. But, I still test a little what I read, yet humans are so sensitive and different. I took the C.O.D.E test with TJ Reeves and looked over the test. He had some new aspects and it got me thinking how one changes through ones subliminal programming and how much youth can be retrained through solely using the body,mind,pratices everybody knows of. So, it is often times always more complicated than that. Yet, all of this chimpanzee and testosterone behavior at colleges could be reduced by giving human beings a chance to do sports at the campus and identify with the campus, yet everyone wants to be great. This is my rant I am not sure how productive each and everyone is around me but they love complaning this is the epitome (insert meaning) of german culture. I have to right to have a dictator opinion, I am a tiny little German piece of shit. Look at me, be fiendly , conform ! Hi HI ! Yes, my ideaology is great ! You conform to my norm and I say hi. Not, sure what I inteded to do with that but I did some mistakes and it triggers me again to not talk my shit for sometime, since insert -> History. What I intend to do today + tomorrow -> Learn for another 2-4h till 2 o'clock -> Working out tomorrow with the same friend -> Design and continue on the design of the app tomorrow for 2-4h ->Finish the survey today and upload a part of it -> Do some ideation -> meditate tonight for another 30 min (did 40min today) Small picture LP work (shout out to Joseph, not sure internet is bull crap *bark*) -> Everything above Big picture LP work -> Write down exam dates and upload them to google drive, so our team can plan around that -> Organize google drive -> Ask team member Sandy about personas -> Would a Facebook group be better for accountability? -> Ask for solutions of our programming exercise today ( I asked to many question lol ) People did not like that Things that I am thinking about in other journals: Rembmer to write down 5 things that you are grateful for each week and a couple of times a week, to uphold some positivity standard Remember to buy certain things and use post-it notes Clean room Choose one audiobook JP - > the ultimate Ar-Hatter till he whacks me away again to listen to as a conscientiousness practice Remember to reach out to humans, ideally for sport etc. Joining a cult aka club is too late atm. Write about the feel good, hear good, be good and feel good. With the F.E.E.E.T S acronym Find it evoke it directly indirectly trigger? smile https://www.shinzen.org/nurture-positive/ Dirty little yogis . Not sure, if I will die. Kenshos are cool ? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abRaPYjb6mA
  7. -This will be a journal where, I try from time to time to hold myself accountable for a need that I partially never nourished, which is simply fame and attention. In any case, if there is some feedback, to all these things that I am writing I would feel happy to hear that from you and thank you for your concerns. Now, I have no idea how to build a solid structure or a system, so I can be autonomous without relying on outside forces too much, but at the same time relying on and having even if necessary a dependent structure. LP Course: Contemplations/Reflections Short Note: After I started to visualize my LP and build a habit around being more consciousness and happy, in general, it feels as if I am coming closer to my visualizations. I tend to play it safe since I am scared of breaking out of my shelly, and therefore feel unable to accept even a playful interaction. Yet, all of this brute force I care only about myself culture. Is robbing me of a chance to do something with other human beings and to accept that prejudice and vulnerability is not a very effective tool all the time. So, just writing things out helped me all of this program which cost money are a joke partially when one does the work, at the end one is still being abused at best someone has good intentions. Just listening to all of this and following without having any sort of anger is for me inconceivable. Process: I failed and tried to mull over and integrate some new ideas and procedures. Yet, I can't get rid of my ego currently because I feel that it feels as if I can't break through all of it. I keep worrying about money since nobody even gave me a clue or chance, to sit down with me and go over the expenses etc. To have a firm grasp of what is actually happening. What did I do? -> Retreats 3-4 -> Journaling -> approx. 2 times a week the last 6 month -> Bullet journal / planning -> tried for each week for 1 year now, without much consistency. -> Some other stuff. What did I learn from falling? What I learned is that I want to be accountable to a group! I can't stand doing things over and over again solely for myself, I can forget myself with other humans, yet planning and keeping once own interest at bay, without considering the intentions of the devil of other humans. It is nuts how, nobody including myself is unable to be responsible in a group. Using Google calendar and turning on the sound helps me to stay awake as long as I perceive the ton as a positive intent and as a response ability, to stay mindful for me. Reading and contemplation go hand in hand, I tend to only ruminate or self-express some need, yet I never contemplated a single topic for a longer time. So, my aim to the future is to watch this video fully and implement the process. Writing things down like a maniac, with some techniques helps but. I won't turn pro on that one apparently. What I want to work on in the future: -> Filter Information content -> Study more and be more aggressive regardless of what happens -> Join some cult as soon as possible -> Learn how to actually shop online between working within tasks. -> Dissolving my feeling at the solar plexus with the feel flow technique Without reading a single book about this: -> Emotions that I struggle with -> Envy coming back, frustration and anger. -> What is good is more neutrality, reason and acceptance. -> Loosing my consciouness more often during meditation. So, for the last 3 minutes since I wanted to time everything and build some sort of system, which helps without knowing too much secular acknowledge theory, about systems in general. Just my thought process. What I am scared of: To run the risk of being and failing and becoming like one of the people I meet while travelling, he gave me all of his journal enteries and I can't understand how deep the shadow is. Feedback about the following topics is very much appreciated -> For those who have done shadow work how many times is enough? Leo's breathing technique is very cool, yet it smells like trouble for my body. Since I can't relate in some way. I can't breathe like this without having an orgasm because of the nerves around my scar. Not sure, if curable. -> A cool app for productivity and planning or a video about how to create a meal plan etc. Since, I am quite stuck in chaos and my brain chemistry. -> All of this bull crap, is ridiculous. Nobody still cares if one does not provide the value of dictators, which is fame and money. Gotta love it, gotta love it.
  8. @purerogue Then what is intelligence, just my brain or the feeling of a thought running through my skull? I wanted to have an experience of self-design one, where I could see that intelligence is a fabrication of intelligence. Sure, ego and concepts are part of intelligence and ego. But what do you think about this?
  9. Hey, I watched the OSHO documentary, but it is quite odd. Why so many people are going nuts at the college campuses, it is as if there is a hyperspace universe, that only a few people can sense, and therefore do not have the capability, to overthrow their emotional tantrums, at lower stages? I tried testing sound I heard my name like a billion times as if someone would have talked to me. Either in a Ken Wilber, Shinzen Young, Ken Wilber, Leo's voice and other teachers, also it feels as if I am stuck in a matrix. The American military here flew a lot of planes over to Germany or vice-versa? the last couple of hours over the last couple of days and at the same time, yet feels as if more and more people are becoming more and more not developed? What is all this crazy making about? I stopped listening to the radio for at least 1-2 years and sometimes listen to a cd etc, yet it feels as if they are mixing together sounds for what? In order to stop feeling the burden of desire or excellence social class etc. I was quite pissed and could not deal over the weekend with my failures in meditation and during the home practice programme I tended to curse. Now, what are all of these commercials and people about running/walking around screaming bullshit? I listened to the sounds of the world and hear my name. What is this? I keep up with all of this crazy content that is being posted, yet there are no relationships from where I am operating from. I argued with my mom just to make a scene because I felt it was the right thing to do. I have no idea, anymore what is happening. It feels as if the people want to say their Name I have no idea what social is anymore, it is as if it is a pattern of behavior, yet there is no real code in order to relate, yet sometimes it just happens like. Here: I have no idea anymore what is real and what is not when I listen to all of this I am trying to work out my purpose and my life purpose and my inner shadow, yet I can't and feel. I tend to think existentially, what is constantly perceive as if there is some sort of political debate, and there are gods? Like what is happening, I was acting at home because I was so pissed that all of these masters talk about the same thing and I was all about intelligence. More intelligence. What is intelligence, manipulation etc? I can't understand, how I am in the world. I have no idea what is happening, after this change of the year, I can't understand all these changes. My meditations are clear, yet my social skills are 0.1. It feels as if I can't deal with humans anymore. I want to join IG. It seems as if the conversation with Peter Ralston via video, was one of the most enjoying things, I have ever experienced, yet my thoughts were steadily predicting, his body language etc. My meditations are moving into an enlightenment experience? But, I can't tell it feels as if my reality disappears and that I can see through reality as if it does not exist anymore. It is somehow can an intention even be true? Can my thought be true? Can an Lsd experience be true? What is all that about this stuff, I hear Leo's voice and now what I hear Leo talk, yet how does this change anything, in a paradoxical thing, it has practical consequences. It seems as if everyone wants to believe simply? Instead of working? What is this society even? All they do is what? What do I do? I can't relate anymore, for now. I have troubles going into my shadow, after some LSD experience, I feel they want to win the cup. It is as if my whole knowledge is evaporating, my intuition is not there. I can't tell what is this guessing game? It is as if I am turning anti-social. I liked and trusted Leo so much, it is as if I have to join a cult or a workshop and experience what is it. What is all this crazy making? I simply had a purpose during a meditation retreat, and now what? I am scared of dying. I swear to god. Yet, I keep hearing ravens, and thinking about symbols and meaning and all of that and trying to let go of all of it would be great, yet it seems like I am addicted to meditation and being inside a cult. It is as if I there are gods but I don't see them and the whole bar of what I mulled over in what I conceived as some sort of truth, but I was so spoiled listening to videos not working out, and writing 9284028340982904382034098030924802 words in my journal, but I lied, I cheated. When I meet a monk and he was blind we did kinhin and I never thought that he can't see, I assumed that he can see. Like there are superpowers, but why? Does this core exist? I can't belief that enlightenment is turning into a competition, I wanted to use enlightenment ultimately, but what does an absolute beginner know, yet my thoughts are so retarded, how does that even connect, and all of this map making seeming to be unrelated to something? I can't believe that I feel like I am in a cult, and that it is great ! I have no idea, yet there are not many cults and teams around that want to work together, nobody wants to be competitive and abuse. Yet, everything that I was retracting seemed to, so before I was never dedicated to something, but I was quite dedicated from meditation and loved the increase in happiness, yet I can not talk with anyone about this, it is so difficult to relate, there is so much book knowledge around this. Yet, I still yearn for intelligence, but I can't understand, how frequency distorts and creates reality. First language, the culture, now sound, even touch. I can't tell anymore if I am having deja-vus over deja-vus or actually retracing something of importance. It is if I have started a game with others I can't end. What are all these clicks sounds about? My head is hurting, and I can't again. Seem to trust anything besides, my inner experience. I most likely had two kenshos during the last retreat, yet I can't seem to trust my hearing perception anymore because everyone wants to be anonymous. Like what is all of this about, I keep seeing white waves of steam or light when I focus my attention so much, yet I can't relax. What does a shift from stage yellow to turquoise entail, I know that I seem to be so disconnected? My shadow larger than I assumed, and I keep failing and failing but I still move forward, but all of these weird vipassana noises my body makes or whatever that is, is odd.
  10. @CreamCat Shinzen Young home pratice programm
  11. @CreamCat No, it was via an online programm.
  12. @kieranperez This sounds horrible...I don't understand why such crazy stuff happens either... I wanted to relate in some manner because I am bound to my family in a sense too, I don't know how long you've been into this journey, I've been very very open and too straightforward with my friends.......................... sometime and I can relate how it feels to open up and share one's story to friends or talking to family members and not feeling understood/heard any sort of empathic response. My best friend from high school either blocked me or does not text me back and moved into a different country, he had a lot of relationship troubles and he never told me much about it, it was like a closed deal, since nobody wanted to deal with "dat shit". I never told this online... but I believed I was a covert narcissist for at least one year, because of my grandma and because I had to work inside a hospital for one year. Similar to what you described as the feeling inside your sternum/chest like a crying child of shame, frustration anger etc. All seemed to stem from a wound my grandma inflicted to me and the world at large..., this region felt so triggered. It got enormously better over time, solely through meditation and reading and especially journaling. I can understand cognitively that you want to help your brother, I am a single-child so I never even had the privilege technically to care about someone technically who would care. My mother always kept nagging until I moved to a position where she did not need to care that much about my future, I don't know your whole story, but if you care to share you can reach out and text me, in case this resonated somehow, we are one year apart by age maybe you can teach me some running skills and we could form an accountability of some sort would love to do that. In case I recall this was part of your LP. I am a lurker. I can still send the program which talked about this feeling inside the chest, anyway I am actually moving my lazy privileged black butt to go for a run. Don't know what you can financially do, because I feel I could do more for my fam, when I would finish everything and move away. The advice from now is forever sounded reasonable.
  13. @CreamCat No, it seemed similar to having a 30-minute meditation in one minute similar when time seems to speed up with psychedelics, with a good posture even seated it is possible to tell when you fall asleep. Same with sitting, it's not the same as falling asleep when I went deeper my body did some movement on its own and moved forward, I snapped back because I was scared and wanted to regain posture, I explained this to the teacher he told me I was going deeper and I was not tired at that day. I feel asleep during lying meditation when I went over the 30+ minute mark which is fine IMO, dropping from consciousness to consciousness IMO. But, this happened after the last weekend retreat, so it is rather new. And I rarely do it. But helps without having a good support structure to keep up with practice. I usually take a warm to cold shower so I feel very fit and active often times when there is no external stress for a meditation session in the morning. This " going deeper" was during a weekend retreat and happened also during my zen retreat when I was exhausted after samu, so there is some causation to physical exhaustion and going deeper because your body simply relaxes. I am not doing much sport, but my body is very good. So, I feel that. Similar to what Ken Wilber recommends for "growing up" through the spiral or stages, that any form of working out physically helps, but weightlifting according to their "studies" is the thing to do. In my "infant" journey for some self-criticism. I was scared what other people think of me when I meditate in some public space as long as they are not my roommates. So, I looked up lying down meditation and use my arm as biofeedback advice, I did this while I traveled by train for example and had my own bed there with others in the compartment etc. Or at hostels. Or went outside after some sports and meditated with sports clothes.