ValiantSalvatore

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About ValiantSalvatore

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  1. I wait sometime, and leave it's better somehow people have a talent to attach themselves to a part of themselves that is their pain body and just vibe with pain. It's not even compassion, and just perpetuation to realize. New friends also speak about me about spirituality and are very non-judgemental. I hopefully can work on some personal quirks for people who are worth it and deserve my goodness. I give my best to make distinctions and read and study some social stuff up, also speak with some people I can esteem as extroverted and good at it to get people. I don't want to learn from introverts to much, I am quiet extroverted for an introvert. Yeah let's see fk any type of "connection/bonding" the people are do, some are so rigid I'd have to review the entire theory of books only to realize, oh shit I was right again, and it did not include memory. It's simply a state, they are denying as it's associated with identity and the conundrum of beign. Anyhow I hope this will work out, from this point out I will really know no one I ever considered close to me in the recent years. I am not in contact with my mother anymore and she is not part of my family anymore, it was a horribly toxic and abusive conversation I only have these patterns with white stubborn girls? Like what with the guy I just wrote to as she is not consciously taking responsibilities for her mistakes, and my tongue can slip, if you don't have compassion it will never work, and sorry I was also in highly creative enviroments at times where the "cordial white dressed -> it's like this brat behaviour in dating, and they could get me off with nasty stuff. It's very typical and to immaturely implemented, and it's the same pattern irregardless of girl or guy, bitchy, moody etc. I am a bit of a brat myself, but yeah quiet frankly. This is why I am deleting journaling, I am very very sensetive it's better to take care of my enviroment, even if it means closing an entire site etc. It's not easy to realize what has influence and what is not. The level of "beauty in human & humaness is missing" my gut was right this place is full of hatred at the beginning and that is harder than bitterness or bitterness is beneath it, it's a odd. It's odd anyhow I don't care. I finally decided and give and ask the most of my social support. I carried my lazy IT guyto the gym for 7 months very consistently even more possibly? We had a winter break, yet schedule was mostly two days ,now he comes the full 3. To appreciate someone like this, who wakes up at 6:00 and goes to the gym with you. That nig*** is your friend, even if he does it once. Or I dunno you wanna code at 6 am and he shows up and you code, it's a different way to relate etc. It's just obvious to me, to realize. If I had a kid like Daniover9000 I would abondent it as long as it does not die There are people that can adjust and are helpful and just also have social problems for example as a girl as the guys are so bad socially besides if you're very very high in tech, as this becomes your social ground, so there is better skill there, then rand512 who barely speaks to anyone I will not be able to speak about some stuff, and I'll look into the subtelties of social attacks, a lot of white people started to act like this, that is why I stay mostly with the cool cats. Power struggle is realer imo for younger and family at purple -> your tribe, than most social stuff, that social stuff is your healing mostly if you never been to nature, but yeah. Fuck this. This was very good, it's just evident I can't speak to some people they trigger a level of pain that most likely goes into their DNA. So yeah. Oh but this is good I can realize I am a white gay femboy, HAHAH This is funny for shadow work HAHAHHA I can't we go back oh lord... I hope some of you get's a pair of black genetics once that you can identify and meet other black people for the depth of shit talk and joy. You don't get this else were, oh man. Hope this will be great, till now it seems way fking better and chill. That is why I am cutting everything I really wanted to dial back, it was really a mismatch between stuff, and these fundamental human patterns don't fully exitnguish or change if I don't become more conscious even if it is 0,01% at activity etc. stage etc. It's improvement. Also not a burn-out schedule. That is absolutely nuts and only for real superhumans, I can't stomach it like this. I would need different needs for strategies and especially the social trauma of engaging with low stages of developemnt. It's also good to have more unbiased friends, even when I know they are wrong etc. All in all I am glad I am happy to meet new friends that I can call friends, and I don't feel backstabbed etc. Friendships have been a core pillar for my well-beign a lot can get lost. But femboy 3000 oh man I can't wait at the stupidity of this, like bro you don#t get how digsuting stage red is it's shocking how naively disgusting this guy is, that is why I would help to yearn to help traumatized warriors and veterans, I would also possibly laugh if he randomly just chocked a lecturing kid. Anyhow this guy is the issue of white dark masculinity if you want even that. Oh man a lot of juice, this will be crazy.
  2. Please become a christian!! That would be to funny.
  3. Please delete my account @Leo Gura See also my PM I am very serious please delete it !!!!! This forum is extremely immature, just please make a delete button for older accounts, I barely get any quality. No. That is only a partial truth, not going to engage with you and I will tell you frankly you're on my blocked list for a long time now. I would appreciate not having the opportunity to engage with you at all. Also that would heavily move you into manosphere toxicity, I bought an audiobook and stopped listening to it that had a similar ideaology, of what you type. Hard Times Create Strong Men: Why the World Craves Leadership and How You Can Step Up to Fill the Need. It's quiet stage 1 masculinity framed, if Arnold does not speak about god and the spirit, the guy is for my standards an utter joke, and just another human I also think he is weak as an old man to chase strength that much and survival that much. It's such a linear defintion of strength let alone it's stupid it would be stupid to not make proper gradations, and basically the guy is selling his book mate. LIKE PLEASE LEO DELETE MY ACCOUNJT!!! MAN JUNGE MACH BITTE ENDLICH DEN ACCOUNT WEG!
  4. The lecture today was good, I could healthily journal about this, if Leo does not respond to my message I hope I can ban this entire website from using it, as I will have access to other stuff, and it's easier to have my account deleted, as to install a "ban app" on every device that I use. It's good and I will do the most that I can to engage in this tilll now, I am very very sensetive, it's also because I did smoke 5g of cannabis in a week and I am in this latent anxiety mode, that is usually totally processed by the cannabis or makes it self present. It's more the pain body and potentially real damages I did due to having smoked cigarettes for a part of my life. Mostly pain of any sort goes away, yet I never really noticed that I did this, and I did not find good tools etc. Most of these things I would prefer not typing and sharing anymore and get completely of tha habit of journaling, and only journal meditation sessions and gratitude, maybe the occasional fun stuff. For me to put these things into my own words etc. I prefer speaking also as you can get insights faster than by typing. So yeah. I hope he deletes my account I would be utterly grateful, I enjoy his content and even persona, yet the emotional thing for me it's 10x, and it sucks to see someone when you're very young to act so irrational verbally online, I've done it in video games and even here, I usually mute everyone, as it get's so toxic when everyone is anonymous and can't be held threatened by danger etc. It's also more Green pain than the more "high yellow" pain that utterly diminishes when you're skilled imo, anyhow that is my first thing. It's an introductiory session where I hope I can write my masters, I won't have the impact in the more "typical man" associated fields entirely, due to my sensetivity and issue that causes with thinking my IQ goes below roomtemperature when I am angry, and I am angry a lot of the time. It took me tremendous amount of dedication and skill to get the mind more quiet etc. I also constantly feel pain even the "pain-emapthy" .... when things become sensetive which can be exhausting. It's very good when someone can emotionally dominate an entire room with good vibes frequently, so that vulnerabillity is snoozed. I know Leo does not mean some stuff when I see him post the tarentula and the blog here is very inspirational. I would give ectasy that exact name, I just hope deep down in a deep dark masculine moment where you gaze the light for a second, as Leo also said this I hope this guy does not kill himself doing good in the world and standing up for it is one of the hardest things I personally faced, that is why it's not easy I personally feel and I was partially included in this mob, although I am personally expressed by utterly deep frustrations, yet I never trolled the guy in a way or messed in a manipulative way that was truely heinous. A part of me really loves Leo & is greatful, yet this academia rationality thing and not the love sort of science is most likely what crumbles me personally and him also partially. Passion & Love are generally intense I've never seen "conscious love & passion" I would most likely make a distinction of flow passion & flow love or capital Passion and capital Love. where the illusion of self is extremely attenuated. I also vibe with 90% of the philosophers he posts I presume. I dunno I really enjoy his work and look forward to the new stuff. PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT I DON'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THE FORUM ANYMORE!
  5. I think the guy is wrong and misses so many points of human interaction which he himself was part of. Still, yes I find men weaker especially not women. I don't think this guy gets the nuances of our generation properly, the pain is very different from just go gym & work hard. Times change so drastically and differently due to technology. The guy was also 100% at workaholic levels of work. What is even strength if we all get weaker? How about a different definition that empowers instead of this bickering and lamenting. I dunno I hope baby-boomer generation dies off. It's crazy for me personally, to see Arnold more fake. He also is part of the creation of the toxicity of body culture, and I bet the guy did this out of weakness when he saw the mirror iirc he felt weak and wanted to get strong. I dunno hope for the best.... Please Leo also read my message or mods. I want my account to be deleted. I don't want to engage anymore with this website. ( This is independent of my post, yet quiet severe due to mental/physical well-being) Thank you!!!!!!!!
  6. Right now I just wish I could help myself more and get proper help, yet I am very exhausted and I would need a paid vacation that is an actual vacation last vacation I did was 6 years ago for work. Otherwise I only had time off. Most advice is also very very very very basic l, yet reassuring the more advanced stuff happens more automatically, yet it's the very simple things that get me in life. I don't do well with overcomplicated teachings....
  7. I am glad after today I will talk with friends it's not enjoyable to me, I don't enjoy life anymore practically also. It feels only like stage blue I only crave catharsis here... If someone could describe death in a color today for me it's blue. Even seeing the ocean would make me sick. I also don't have as much balls anymore, but I care less.
  8. Many can't simply help with the integral/post modern and even just modern issues. Most of my issue lie there, especially socially. Anything below green in any sense is not possible for me. It's to ridden by societal stuff. I don't really come to good terms with survival. I don't enjoy mine. It was better with exercisingly intensely. Now this can cause depression. So what now? I don't know it's so much pain and I don't care to care about others and a country so much. It's not good I am done now speaking/typing. I don't enjoy the integrity issues in myself and family as well as the lack of transparency and honesty in being transparent asap. Sorry if I offended anyone and s1 got triggered. This is a part of me and I can't seem to resolve this and I don't enjoy my Instagram and TikTok generation of who fucks who and who fucked whom to get whomsens? (Children) all to our scientific oh so loving paradigm oh yes.... That cool aid that never works. 1-100 do it authentically and I want to be in the place even if they post nothing. Idk it's not so cool currently dealing with this win&looser paradigm and stage orange/deserved/undeserved orange/blue. It's quiet painful very very painful.... every soul knows the answer, yet our body is so limited and fragile and our power so limited. It's not possible to resolve all conflicts. I hope I can make progress I don't enjoy it today was shit. Very shit and it should've been okay, I seriously lack a professional I don't feel well it's a lot of stress and even the professional can be to dumb or just unfitting many who seem fitting are internet gurus with found their fortune. I dunno I stopped crying about creating conscious work due to how Leo behaved it was to juvenile at the wrong time for me where I needed a very very very mature and loving person. I found it only to some level in Shinzen retreats and audiobooks/Eckhart tolle. Loving cut and sharp compassion and love... & clarity over simple and mundane stuff + European consciousness aware.... But sure he benefits like Trump? For his behaviour and personality. I never expected this also from someone "adult/mature" this made a huge juvenile backdrop on this forum. I could've fördern it our generation takes way more care about image, beauty and shine. That an extrem almost untameable juvenile animal idiotery could happen. Yet I trusted him. I don't feel well even with warnings etc. That just wants a proper resolution to everything it's all mostly consciousness... I can't be long in this place ai would benefit more from a short brief talk... Or a very extensive talk ....
  9. I would really appreciate a restart, I don't engage well with people that trigger ego and not God. Ever teacher that does not triggers this for me is a fool. Also the issue of deserving & undeserving has been bothering me immensely. As I don't find anyone besides the tech guys to speak about this anxiety as normal and normies don't get it. And a lot of shit is overblown imo. All I care about is proper respect when treating me or I might seriously hurt someone I don't know if I will ever be that conscious. Yet ai will use physical violence if someone threatens me disrespectfuly physical or not violence, yet physical boundary creation? Like Fuck off. It scares me having to feel like this around my mother and most men are such weak dipshits for their pussy lives. I don't know what type of white hypocritical shit face you have to be, but I tell you what you did is beyond anything. Just shut up. Don't even talk.
  10. It's an issue not speaking English and typing at times. I never cared about eradicating pain completely it's just dumb to engage with it as it's very dangerous and potentially damaging when you do to much. Lessening it helps me with the underlying negativity. Only meditation and conscious conversations helped to get into some healing space and nature I also don't know why old friends like to enjoy the "old me" I've often embraced the change of others. Just not the unconscious damaging b.s. I lost most joy out of my life and even when I am content, I am not as joyous anymore. I don't enjoy it that others have fun that much anymore due to my working reality and barely having anyone to speak to for enjoyment to.
  11. I don't enjoy reality it's such an arbitrary illusions it's stupid. Only that illusion is fun. But only pain. Just no. I worked to diminish suffering and not to get rid of it entirely, pain and intense emotional negativity have been the biggest issue in my growth. Be it physical or emotional, mentally it's okay, yet emotionally is the biggest balancing obstacle. I don't want to speak to my mother anymore.... I just get "headlights" with negative stuff... I don't enjoy her character. Her shared suffering causes more suffering due to difference. Etc. Like for me to even date a girl who enjoys family and sees it as her core value being such an oddly good fit. Is shocking to me. I Just don't know and care about. I hope truth somewhere did guide me. I don't know what else to dive into. As I will type for hours away... as these things are emotionally painful riddles almost and knots in my body or not even knots just lingering pain..... I don't know what to do with the racism stuff and the psychologist also did not help here... I would really love to meet more teal people... I don't know if I end it before this... but I hope I can find more teal. I can barely speak with anyone fully and I don't know anymore what I enjoy... if you enjoy personal development. I just dunno, I was always one if the few in the tank of does a lot of practice and reads a lot of theory. I never lean to strong in one direction it's not possible for some time sure, yet never very very long. It's a huge issue imo that I dealt with the emotional out lashes of my mother as she is a tryrannie herself. That took me again 2-4h of talking and writing.... As I forgot I was scared of her emotional out lashes smith. like a pain-body does not exist or awareness there is just reactivity. Nobody would end up with my mother like this, yet with her I am to deep and innocent and have been wounded I feel by dark feminr materalistic cravings of fuck it all let's fuck all stage red, yet feminine nature. Which destroyed the more healthy innocent relationship to men to some level energtically not consciously... I don't like it. I have idea how to resolve this. Enough subtle hatred/anger... Lack of love = suicidal ideation Lack of opportunities = suicidal ideation Lack of good friendships = suicidal ideation Discrimination by white women = suicidal ideation Discrimination of any kind that I can't handle = suicidal ideation Stage orange = suicidal experience at times just not good Stage Green = suicidal apathy Stage Yellow = Suicidal optimization frenzy & being the whole pack Stage Turquoise = Suicidal due to the inevitably to create meaning, even when doing so. You create meaning and it fails consciously so you ideate with death... Etc. I had a more wise perspective of dying before you die, this is missing as a context here. It's to many absolutist. I need more help having friends and a conscious life than to experience God. It's such a privilege I would deny people it as a Tyrann this priviledge. But never out of joy. Just because of the idea of Schadenfreude and I hope God can laugh to about this... Anyhow I don't find answers and many here are from some academic white priviledge upbringing and there never has been a person I found similar to me on the forum in an earnest manner to interact solidly with. I found similar spirits, yet also to late. Forum was way to toxic. Now it's better.... I just wish someone could connect to my emotionality without being very white.... It's painfully obvious, your organism can tell... true innocence from the bias and layers of innocence. I don't know what to do with hatred. I dunno and should just not interact with someone who pushed my buttons because the person has power and influence over me. Or suggest it. It's my own foolishness and generally there is a deep bitterness and frustration in Academia in me and problem solving. I just don't enjoy being human and I know why ... at times I feel so painful that I can't help and inspire others anymore with my purpose and drive. I loose all meaning.... Envigoring others to act from higher consciousness was beautiful to me... I lost this edge tremendously as I don't feel as unstoppable anymore and the skeptical, cynical route did not help me here. Quite frankly, I feel so much resistance mostly from the positive thing, yet if you realized how much impact a single negativ thing you said might had on another person, you'd cry in emapthy anything less is not worthy to talk about or you can experience with higher emotions. All in all I don't like to socialize with social courtship White judeo Christian culture and "humaneness" of Rituals type of idea. If you see it as a fun illusion idc, yet it's not reality for me. To be "white evangelic Christian". I hope a new culture can emerge with technology... new hopes implemented into stone.. I don't have much joy or Hope for the next 200-300 years ... Anyhow idc.
  12. It's also emotionally exhaustive to engage with so many people so a strong family helps, yet this is just yeah it's survival mostly. Not as much fun....
  13. It's definitely good if I can take a holiday/vacation for 2-5 years in another country. I don't know how I can entertain myself and find answers to solutions. I don't have as much of enjoyment the conversation after cannabis derails so badly. I can only blame this as I come to terms with a potential reality, that does not play itself out. When I don't engage in it so "consistently". It's only when I stopped and don't have anything something is very unconscious and pissed. I can also not put it to spiritual use I feel still like shit after all the hopes and promises I had in actualized.org and ambitions and I don't deal well with the practical nature anymore at times it's to hard. All in all I am extremely unhappy with my existence, yet I am generally content... I don't know how to engage my dark side properly without as much exercise. It's still good I did so much prep work... it's not easy to speak about my past as I was often the in-between kid. Yet I still connected all of them.... that was so beautiful about my own journey... it all suddenly made sense now that I am here... more like destiny... This has been fking with me. I miss connecting more people as you need money and entertainment or create a family. It's not possible otherwise at the level of depth I crave, if I find that that is rare. I found 1-4.... Should be possible to find at least s1. Ego&Pride and the lower stages and some of the higher stages is triggering me. It's odd not speaking to s1 in my family and being me around them and feeling innocent.... I dunno I don't know what to do when I deal with a person that emotionally just freezes.... Then comes back way to strong. I process a lot, yet I dunno if there is trauma there. I had other signs/stories that were more fitting. Anyhow I watch it... I still crave I can have a fantastic relationship for my mother, yet I lack to strength to give her the enjoyment to get rid of her karma more... especially the more healthy side of our relationship with nature... It's painful to me to realize how disturbing growing up for me was, as I was tuned out of "naturalness" and created with other more half/half kids a new social reality, how alienating that separation experience is when it's forced onto you. Even when people are friendly/good-willed. Right now I just am massively disappointed at so many things I completely neglected my vision as it does not inspire me anymore. I believe I fooled myself buying the course from Leo. Just the episode is good. Values is smith..... that I am to open.... I could name plenty. It's more about conscious life experience for me. I don't know anything about meta-physics and the academical crap, yet it's societies notion of meta-physics. So what now? I could sleep more well most of the practical things I either need more money or a better place. As they all entail outside paid help for emotional stuff. My injury just fucks stuff up and I only found 2 ppl not affected by it at all... so they want to do stuff with me outside of sports... Where I practiced being consciousness to begin with, everything else made not as much sense besides the classic skill considerations. Why even do sports when you can even enjoy occasionally a god-likr feeling? That can even only be running solo without the idea of "competition". Competition also matters and has been a core motivator as it's for many. The creator shift for me was huge and painful after Leo's course I did though surprisingly well adopt the mindset in action and creation of any sort... It's like the fine distinction if stage red Power& Control drive... Solution = creation..... Creating peace...war ... Love.... Restaurants etc. I dunno if it's all about accomplishments and not performance I don't get joy out of my accomplishments... . Generally the negativity even the most subteles remark still lingers in my head like. Oh you did not achieve that much yet Such things bother me severely as I also feel like shit. Nobody taught me what I could impact and create. I could be any "role"/occupation, yet the personal impact and creation drive I had in my teens. Especially, the very healthy drive. That is gone. Excellent health. Etc. All this energy etc. Gone... I feel so soulless with so many para socials and making new friends partially. I know th for a year and know nothing about them... I dunno I just don't enjoy feeling and thinking suicidal things. Due to my scar or academia mostly and my injury. Mostly this "hidden terror". It's not very enjoyable to feel my scar and feel the same feeling as deep painful depression subtrly... So the thought just evokes when I am negative... As I feel extra pain... I am thankful for my mother, yet I wish I had a social space and family space where ai can feel whole... I hope the new girl is open for this I know I yearned for s1 better looking, yet it's such a good fit without the emotional laden drama. It's simply erotic polarity. Also more authentic more loving & compassionate girl. It's odd, I hope it will be good and something can grow. I really lacked and craved a true cheerleader now I have more of a softer version of an emotional nurse/witch? Without the angel crap. I am just glad to talk to anyone but my mother.... I wish she would constantly speak high German... Yet it's a huge issue for me personally as we get into cyneccism till it's self-sabotage again pathing & I don't enjoy this. Speak truthfully and be honest, even if you're not perfect. I don't enjoy cyneccism anymore I've grown out of it. Some stuff is fine due to pain creating the emotional reality. You should make better distinctions between Schadenfreude and invent the word Schmerzensfreude as you clearly say it's psycho stupid & would fit most members admittingly and or unadmittingly in this camp. Anyhow I hope I can speak with new friends about this stuff. I am not very happy. I feel I barely got the chance at a social life in a healthy normal way. It's odd how much has to be an alternative route.
  14. It's so dumb she had me when she was 31 with less success. I don't like speaking to her... she is uneducated imo and to practical oriented. If she would be educated more it would not be as bad... I just crave someone I can cry and talk to ... I am a very very emotional person. Not in terms of negative & positive just the allness of it. It's odd. I dunno what to do I feel like everyone is a stranger or npc, if I am not "more" conscious... Which is not even true it's just consciousness..... That has nothing to do with information... it's a baseline state... Not seeing s1 face is bad, when you speak to them.
  15. I just have a serious issue with German girls and girls who act like "typical German girl" and how close that comes to a global whiteness at times and not just being a global citizen in a sense. The nuance in seeing these distinctions is an issue even in-between themselves.... So I dunno if I get "German vibe" of girl I am off. Me only prefer good Nazi that means I can say Nazi and you're not offended or can speak about this. As well as this racial crap does not make sense etc. & I can talk to you about it. A more social talker would also be better, it is a reality. It's odd but okay. I just don't really like it when I am being extremely verbal, it's also a habit I have from Leo I don't know who else acted like this, yet I had 0 friends anymore and he was so positive about stick with me and do the work. Yet so much work goes into waste when the other does not even respond to it. I dunno my mother is a good human.... I just can't deal with these dark notions and feminity at time. It's like dealing with a weird and angry cat that suddenly attacks you, when you thought it was a cute kitty. It's also not the stuff that would grow a man, it's delusional stuff that puts me into a stage 1 dynamic. I really really crave a stage 3 type of relationship. Just now I dunno doing & doing socially and meditating I just don't know how seriously I am also traumatized from living in this introverted psychopathic emotional emptiness here in Germany. I'd have to express exactly that to speak with other Germans. It's not good and not socially loose enough. German is a very very cringe language, I don't know how to describe, yet you could name it the language of angry scientific virgins. I would agree... This will not get out of my head. That is the dark masculine in me mostly saying this... I don't care as much. I like and love the language generally. I just don't like it's history. Yeah I dunno right now I am just overwhelmed with the amount of maturity I crave, need to enact and have. It's so odd speaking to my mother. Next year being 30 and admitting actualized org failed miserably for me in my twenties all due to death and injury? That is what I mean I lack people to speak to about my issues and resolving stuff. I don't do well working only on one thing, so sure some stuff is resolved, yet the toxicity of feminity when you don't have status, money or fame can be staggering in older women. Especially. It's subtel. It's not even who I am or what I do, just proprietary I hope this is the correct term. I just don't enjoy if a girl likes me for this and my mother is super turned by this biologically, so I don't like her it's not even social. It's more biological. She is not as bad, yet my age has been bothering me for 5-4 years now in my mid twenties. Now I am 30 next year and my mother came with societal expectations. Instead of giving the correct logical answer, but we had tantrum etc. It's just so stupid how you can appeal so much to the bad side of me and not the good energy. Like my grandma did more of... I miss her a lot ... I could speak to her at least a bit... I miss having a family and just feeling secure without electronic device in people... which is no biggy. It's been a weird journey .... I don't like most modern girls also they get the modern luxury with close to none historical events which for dating is not always so cool. Generally it's good, yet the benefits can be staggering. I hope I can reconnect to black culture and people. It's been a very longtime where I felt like part of a community last time was yoga...