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He was worth 50 millions when he died, doesn't seem to like he attempted multiple suicides because he was out of money. Maybe he had not enough money to do heroin until his 60s without making more, but he had enough to continue for much longer. Why would he have chosen suicide over heroin use if heroin use was really all that fun?

@A_v_E Woaahhhh, calm down. Thats quite an overreaction Look, I get annoyed when I see people talk about how egoless they are because it’s a very egoic thing to do, that’s all. Now you’re talking about committing suicide because someone didn’t believe you don’t have an ego. That’s a sign of an extremely fragile ego, not a dissolved one I think you still have some work to do my friend

Damn thank you guys, now I just want to kill myself and comit real practical suicide again. EVERY FUCKING TIME I SAY PEOPLE I HAVE NO EGO THEY START TO GO ON ME. it's like WTFFFFFFF I M DEAD WHAT DO YOU NEED AS A PROOF THAT I SHAVE MY HEAD ????????? do I need to kill myself in physical reality for you to get how much I don't have a single fuck for my "self" ?????????????????????????????????

The TLDR is how I define seeing 'spiritual' growth, or the reduction in my own experience of suffering from insight practice is essentially how it is I react to unpleasant and pleasant things that are arising and passing away, that's about it, but to the degree you intellectually understand that as to directly experience that is the discerning factor, that this moment, now, this passing, fleeting, moment to moment, ever-changing now, is the only reality there is, that anything we say that does not conform with now is constructed in the discerning mind and is a delusion for ourselves to ultimate reality, this is it baby. Please spend time reading/reflecting on what I say about Sila and Sangha if it isn't already on your mind. Enjoy your cakes. First of all I wanted to say thank you to everyone on this forum and of course @Leo Gura for creating a space for like-minded people to share this trip with, what i've come to realize is that you are all amazing honestly, one of the rather difficult things especially in the west is to just simply talk about spirituality and about the truth and we experience our own journey are and this forum was a great outlet for that and many other reasons, at one point I decided the best thing for me personally was to join a commune (Buddhist community) for a few months for several reasons, I nearly ended up ordaining but backed out during my last few weeks, and I ended up in 2 different ones for around 3 months at a time + travelling quite a bit alone and so on, I also ended up in a holistic center, went on a few 10 days retreats and eventually wanting to see my family for a while which funnily enough has been one of the most difficult things to confront, so here I am with some time to reflect and hopefully inspire you or some shit. Just to outline there's a lot terminology i'm using that is pali/sanskrit because that's what i'm familiar with. Anyways, I'm going to talk a little about that and try to emphasis certain things here to be of benefit to your journey, the thing about this forum is there is quite a lot of proliferation of the psychological content of the mind (and I know how satisfying that is, how fun it is but it generally it's just a hindrance) and the more I practiced an actual spiritual path and listened to Dhamma the more I realized that what I know I know and what I do not know I know I do not know, that the Dhamma is a kind of onion, there are layers and layers or 'awakenings upon awakenings' to the Truth, even though ultimately there is just Truth, there is also a knowing one is approaching things as they are, eg. there are several stages the Buddha outlined as one goes through from a stream enterer to an arahant. I have utterly transformed my experience of reality, you may even look back at my profile and see how much I was really suffering, I mean I was really fucked up emotionally and wasn't able to handle the patterns of my mind, I had attempted suicide, was a drug addict etc etc etc - most of you can relate to a degree, two things we westerners have in common; we are all suffering the material lust of society and being grasped into a spiritually starved society. Our salvation is only found within our own understanding. The four noble truths are not that difficult to get a grasp intellectually and naturally we like to make things super complex for ourselves and to search for 'the higher teaching's and so on' but what i've realized is that the highest teaching's are contained within the four noble truths of reality, that things aren't complicated - to understand a leaf on a tree is to comprehend every leaf in every forest in the existence - the Buddha infact taught just one thing; Dukkha Nirodha (end suffering), he also taught us not to proliferate too much on what reality is or other realms and so on and to focus on dukkha nirodha alone, I hope this is reflected on many times for you reading this, it is dukha nirodha which the Buddha taught, especially for myself who has tripped out 100+ times - I love to really experience the incomprehensible reality we are within and to expound on the crazy possibilities and thought-constructs we can create, figures like T.Mckena are huge inspiritation to me but in my own experience all I seem to see in the grand scheme of things, the long haul, the cream of the crop is ending your own suffering, to eliminate all dissatisfaction from your life and to attain to Nirvana/enlightenment, that we are all capable of penetrating these insights into reality and freeing ourselves, becoming truly happy and no longer dependant on the senses or objects of the mind - despite our unworthy self-concept of ourselves... The most and I mean the most important thing is to absolutely accept yourself as you are moment to moment, put a stop to becoming something better/more/acceptable - that all you are is a product of conditioning and most of the time getting established in sati is understanding that all of the shit arising in your mind, just is and us westerners have quite a mind to tango with. Things just are, they are just unfolding at the pace they are unfolding, does that make sense? Just let go of thinking. Like really, just let go and be here, that is it, this is it lol. There really is no doer here, that is the core issue to actually being able to let go. There is this constant dance between doing and letting go, that one moment we are in some unwholesome object in the mind and suddenly we remembered. This is what we understand as Mindfulness, but also it is something to practice and there's really never not a time not to do it. The greatest insight i've had is understanding Sila - and that includes getting involved and finding the Sangha. (your spiritual companions/family upon the journey), this is absolutely fucking key. This is where your progress will ramp exponentially as opposed to being by yourself. Here is a picture to represent just how important it is to have a foundation of sila, even if you were to incessantly meditate endlessly, you will get fucked by your Sila. Notice your mind ruminates and causes suffering because it is rooted in 3 things, greed, hatred or delusion - the actions we've taken from our ignorance to this causes this noise in our heads that blocks our ability to enter and abide in jhana in our day to day lives and enter into seclusion. What i've come to understand about meditation is, it's not something you do or switch on and off, until it becomes your every breath you still haven't really gotten what it is. It's not that you have to be aware 24/7, because that's a misunderstanding of Sati, but it's through Right effort that we can literally meditate every moment of our life, through gladenning the mind and relaxing into the jhana we can rewire the negative self judgmental and projective critic, take this to heart and learn what gladenning the mind means. Anyways, I spent 3 months in a forest thai monastery and it completey transformed every perspective and cut deeply into my own delusional perception of reality, see personality development is incredibly incredibly important, and I don't mean that in any egoic sense whatsoever but rather the ability to individuate into your own unique character and get out of the shell of conditioning - conditionings keeps us very competitive, lieng to each other, ourselves, manipulating people around us, endlessly judging and projecting onto each other, we are more or less trapped in an echo-chamber that reinforces these habits and we all do actually possess a ton of potential - and when you go to a good quality wat/monastery that has the noble Dhamma, you get to see this screamed in your face, you will not infact be able to see this from contemplating it nor reading this writing, you have to go and see people who have been practicing Sila for decades to see how absolutely stable, consistent, selfless and unconditionally giving they are to those around them, they influence and touch your heart in ways that has to be seen for yourself - they mirror to your own spiritual potential and you will delight in it, they also mirror to you have defiled you are, your mind is deluded as fuck and you are sucked in that lense of the suffering of selfish actions, it conditions you for you, you just ride the wave. Anyways besides I tried quite a few things, I went out to cities alone and tried pickup, I flew back to my family after 5 years, I talked to several teachers online, I went through 8 months of therapy and joined 4 different therapy groups, breathwork, psychedelics, journaling, inner child, shadow work, charity work, whatever. Like, whatever lol, the whole shibang. I was so intense this year man, I really wanted to transform because I knew my potential and what I came to conclude is what I just wrote about, that many of us are missing this Sangha and Sila practice, this is where we are rooted in ignorance for most people, is found within our Shadow, how our unconscious projects, none of us will meditate that out of us, do you understand? - it has to be confronted and let go of, you let go by not reacting and nurturing yourself, practiced every single moment you see these patterns in you, you have to be willing to go through really difficult emotions and give up your habits of avoiding it and try your best to do the right thing, it's all contained within the 4 noble truths and the 4rth noble truth is the 8th fold noble path the Buddha laid out to end suffering. Anyways, these are just my fucking insights, what I found to be the most valuable and basically to adopt some Jesus into your life - generosity, good will, develop your loving kindness, develop your compassion, your empathic joy and your equanimity to pleasant and unpleasant states my friends, please consider how important it is for you to get into the Sangha, do whatever it takes to find those equal or higher to you and make them your company, reach out, put that effort in, be vulnerable to change, it is so important, sympathetic vibrations can carry you miles along the river alone, your environment is conditioning you whether you like it or not, you should pay extreme attention to making it as good as you can for yourself, because you love yourself. Merry Christmas

The feeling of separation, and the massively used model of a physical, matter based reality creates a large amount of fear and a Me Against The World mentality/reality. As such most people view life as a battle zone, and home their hospital, their rest and relaxation to recuperate from the battle field. I know for me personally this was my reality for a large portion of my life but for some bizarre reason I sought truth even in the face of extreme pain but I too also sought rest and relaxation as well. Since most people are extremely self-critical of themselves, most people actually need their self-critical thoughts to be below the surface otherwise they would probably commit suicide. When people experience what is called "bad trips" they are only facing their own self-critical thoughts and the more you have the more hellish the experience. I'm sorry to say but that is how this game was designed so I am not blaming you for it, but I am bringing to awareness you can do something about it. The path to pleasure in this dream is to face pain. Its almost like a rule that the path to pleasure always involves pain. Those who get the most pleasure also seem to have experienced the most pain as well. So paradoxical this life is, its almost laughable. Anyway since most people you meet are in hell, you need to give them some heaven for them to ever open up to you at all. Got a friend who is a drunk you want to help get off that addiction? Listing them all the reasons why what they are doing is destroying their life won't work. Patience, openness in communication, receptivity, and lack of judgment is what they need. Its infuriating when someone you love is hurting themselves and you have to be patient. When they hurt you hurt, but just like all things, this too shall pass if you have the patience of a saint!!! What I am loving about life, is it keeps teaching me what love is, and what truth is and it does it so obviously and you can only receive it from a place unsullied by ego. Ego is agenda, ego is resistance, ego is preference, ego is force, ego is desire to control, ego is close-mindedness, ego is accusatory and denial of actions, ego is impatience, ego is annoyance, ego is misunderstanding, all these I have learned from personal experience. Life is a really great teacher if you listen. So I have said before, wisdom is whatever action that is taken that increases self-love. This means whatever action you do that switches the state of consciousness of others to a more loving accepting state. Here is an absolute, your ability to handle the painful, rough aspects of the truth, is equivalent to your current state of love. Since most people are at a low state of love, they need a lot of pleasure to build them up. The problem is, that pleasure is never enough because they are constantly subconsciously building up pain in the form of self-judgment and so need to constantly seek pleasure to ward off that pain and thus are stuck in an infinite loop of pleasure seeking. If you are ever engaged in working with people full of self-judgment understand they are only mean, irritable, and selfish because they are full of self-judgment. The vile behavior they are projecting outward is a result of them suffering their own vile inner talk and they need to release it to get some rest. I'm not saying it is right, but it is a necessity for their survival and sanity. Many people ask why should I be good? Easy, because goodness is peace, peace with yourself and others. Why should I detach from ego? Because Ego is conflict and lack of peace. In fact here is a good barometer for you to know if you are in ego, your peace is disturbed!!! The other barometer is you have a desire to protect or defend something absolutely, instead of relatively. Any hard stance will most likely reek of ego so beware. Egos need pleasure because they are constantly at war, so anytime you are in the process of healing and awakening the egoic, the lure will be pleasure not pain. Self-righteousness, lecturing, moralizing is not going to awaken God from within, only compassion. Critique, and direction can only be taken when the person is in an open state, in a state of receptivity which can only exist when there is security. That security is self-love. So when one has overcome their own self-judgments can they be open to even hear what is being said. People misunderstand you often because they have no desire to understand you. Open-mindedness has its own pace, and I am learning constantly through observation why things are the way they are. Each state of consciousness expresses itself a certain way, and it cannot be any other way as it is currently.

Took about 4 grams of shrooms, it started off pretty well, breakthrough etc. But after the peak while watching a netflix show, started experiencing as if the show was "talking" to me, giving deep metaphysical messages. The messages were basically that life = hell, enlightenment / god = death and that all this is a game where I need to be brave and selfless enough commit literal physical suicide. Tried to calm down and talk some sense to myself but it persisted, and got even worse. For example, started thinking the life of Jesus was a message for me, that I need to die too to be enlightened and happy and whatnot. Panic attack ensued, went for a walk and tried to calm down, but it didn't help. My parents lived nearby so a went there and told them I took shrooms & am experiencing these thoughts. I said I want to go to the hospital. They were first going to give me a ride, but I told them no because I felt like I could just jump out of the moving car, since I felt like a "pull" to just commit suicide and be done with it already. So they called an ambulance and I spent the rest of that night at the hopsital. During the next few weeks though, the delusions persisted. There was like a doubt stuck in my mind: "what if it was actually true? What if I really need to commit suicide?" There was constant anxiety. And at some point it started to seem like everywhere I looked or went, the world gave me the same message to commit suicide. I saw it in books, TV, social media, heard it in radio, what random people talked on street etc. Like I was living a solipsistic dream and the only way out was suicide. So I went to psych ward, spent some time there and took antipsychotics. Eventually the worst delusions and psychotic stuff started to subside, though it took about a year to start really see the healing, why it might have happened and feel better. Now it's been a couple of years. It's pretty clear to me what really happened and where the thoughts and paranoia came from. It was one hell of a bad trip, brutal as fuck but very effective in that it brought up the very fundamentals of thought-attachment, suppression, aversion and ego.

I literally gave in, as it was the most logical thing to do. The realization that I was not in control allowed me the space to give in. Sea Monster you are speaking from a place of ignorance which is understandable you can't help what you don't understand. There was a reason the teachings have been esoteric in nature. Also pretty much everything you just mentioned I didn't even say. When did I say you double down on your strengths? Notice how you are erecting story lines that I never uttered. Did you even watch the video? The purpose of the teachings is to allow the seeker a way to understand what is happening to them. If a random person with no knowledge has a full blown kundalini awakening they could freak out and kill themselves. Do you know how many people in the West have been getting awakenings with no support system or anything to rely upon? Go do some research and actually speak from a place of understanding. When people enter into this domain with a lack of knowledge they can do harm to themselves or others. There have been people who have died from taking psychedelics from mixing the wrong chemicals or committing suicide. So yes understanding is important, when people have no clue what they are doing they freak out.

Spirituality should only be done for a desire for truth/love of self and all of reality. Why? Because it is the most dangerous path. There is no more dangerous path out there. You are literally tinkering with your sanity. I have realized now why so many get trapped in different aspects of spirituality, it is because they HAVE TOO due to fear. The two biggest obstacles to going deep enough into Spirituality is attachment to self and others, and the fear of insanity. If you are not ready to face these fears....STOP! IMMEDIATELY!!! OTHERWISE you could traumatize yourself. I could say further, but I won't because there are many on this spirituality forum who shouldn't even be on here and I really believe they are on here because they look at it as if it's some cool club not realizing that Spirituality is psychic suicide. You are blowing up your entire identity, not being careful can and will drive you to insanity and not the religious insanity talked about, the kind that has you stuck on drugs yelling at a wall for the rest of your life. And no that last bolded statement is not hyperbole. Let me ask, are you willing to go insane for the truth? Are you willing to lose everything for truth? Are you willing to lose everything you have ever loved and hated for the truth? If any of your answers are no, go back to your regular life.

From the data Ive seen, the people who regret it are much less than people who commit suicide because of not getting surgery. More research needs to be done, but we have to recognise what the data suggests right now. So the real question is what if your kid kill him/herself in the future, because of not getting surgery before going through puberty? Its justified, because you can significantly lower the likelyhood, that your kid will kill him/herself in the future, becasue of this problem. Before going through puberty, I don't know the exact age, but around 11-12. The numbers I have seen on that is just incredibly low compared to trans people who couldn't get surgery in time and attempted suicide. Look up the studies on this matter , the studies I have seen on this issue all suggests that surgery is the most effective method when it comes to lowering suicide rates. The problem is that you can't wait until adulthood, because as I said,when your body goes through puberty, it changes in ways that can't be changed afterwards, and then these people won't have a chance to have a decision, beacuse their life is already set in a way where it cannot be changed. These surgeries don't happen easily. A psychiatrist or a psychologist first find out if the child really wants to do it, and after a long trial if the doctor agrees to it, then the kid can have a surgery.

Bliss I accidentally let slip earlier this month that I'm in blissful states quite frequently or almost always. Let me explain. I'm hit with states of oneness and Beauty, such is my default. Such is my gifting. However, I have many drawbacks and issues, and challenges. God chooses the silent. The 'dumb'. The meek and the small. Maybe to not spread ignorance, to keep the jewel hidden. God values keeping it all hidden and secret. When I 'grow up' in density, God decides the secret needs to be let loose. I can amplify my gifting through meditation and by inviting the presence of God. "Start by welcoming Him and thank Him for coming to you and bringing all that He is and has. Acknowledge and enjoy His presence" . "Keep It Secret. Keep It Safe." - Gandalf. JRR Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings You can see this reflected in Lord of the Rings. A powerful object- the Ring (Spirit, the sun, love) is given to an underestimated being so as to keep it hidden. This ring holds great power so 'God' gives the task and the ring to the smallest of creatures. Only he can be the one to keep the ring hidden. The Ring and the rings of power have run havoc in the hands of more powerful beings and so Frodo is maybe destroying with his pure heart the ignorance and corruption the ring has caused/is causing. Masculine and hating The masculine sword of truth can easily fall into the territory of hating if the individual integrating the masculine is not careful. It's recommended that you come from a meditative place. Some forms of criticism can be constructive even if they may seem like hating on the surface. Just as some forms of compliments can be constructive and shouldn't be necessarily relegated as ego-boosting if the complimenter feels the conviction to do so. Generally, the masculine will occur alongside internal and external backlash. Hating is an obvious and often subtle attempt to put someone down and make someone uncomfortable, such as calling someone low IQ or low social calibration. The discomfort from utilizing the masculine can result in hating. Hating is often dismissed as Ti or as some bastardized version of the masculine when actually it is anything but. It is NOT 'Ti', it is just pathetic. I think, generally, truly the need for the masculine sword of truth is rare. But to ignore its usefulness entirely is too much as well. Compliments When your heart opens and your mind finds a deep calm then you will find it in you to find the True Compliment Born out of True Love. To be in gratitude is one of the highest states; to be in gratitude to a person and to bare your soul, if only for a moment. When you know the conviction to speak something beautiful and kind and the constructive nature of baring your soul, the impact that simple act can have despite adversity. Like plucking off the spikes on a rose bush the feminine can soften inevitable energetic 'upsets'. Pretty excuses Recently I've been misbehaving and doing all kinds of stupid, low-consciousness stuff. I've gone back to one or two places in development. I want to move forward and evolve. I think that certain users on here were super toxic to my system. But what does that say about my system if it's so shaken up and easily fallen back a few stages in development just by a few silly certain users on here? Not much. Plus I can't really blame anyone but myself. 100% responsibility. Popularity The masculine is decidedly popular. The popular girl is the feminine leading with the masculine. She makes her energy attractive and desirable by pulling away, making herself scarce, indicating high value. That pulling away causes a need for a rejoining. The feminine offers herself up freely, is transparent and you'll see her make moves on the chessboard of life that don't seem obviously in her favour, in the short term. She does not create a pull away that requires a rejoining. She is apparently an ugly duckling until she learns to integrate her masculine and knows her value. She doesn't play the masculine game at her own expense. Talk There is talk of Being and then there is BEING. Those who walk the path, who recognize BEING when they hear her. I'll be honest I rarely see BEING on this forum or even in spiritual circles. It's all intellectual masturbation, there still lacks a grasping. Probably Leo is the only one I've seen who kinda gets it, which is probably why I need to defer to him a little more and stop my criticism as much. I'm just skeptical of his methodologies. I think God gifts people spiritual gifts for a reason and saying DMT can trump God's decision-making seems wrong to me. Outer manifestations of how 'good' you are or how well you talk the spiritual talk or how many followers you have, are rarely relevant but can be a correlation. Divine order vs Compassion Faith vs Will There is a divine order to the universe. God gifts certain spiritual gifts for a reason. And yet to not help others and have compassion for others would be a mistake. God holds you in the palm of his hand and his order is divine. All is well, whatever you choose. But you still need to have compassion. Others need to search out the gifts, such is the masculine. Such is will. You cannot rely solely on faith, the feminine. This is where DMT and weed etc. come in. . Exactly. Functionality is not something to aspire to as much as non-functionality is. There holds a place in this universe for the small and meek or adolescent or non-functional or non-powerful. Happiness and nirvana are often given to the unlikeliest of creatures. Divine order. . Honestly, what is the point of spirituality and spiral dynamics and all this talk of a 'bigger picture' if no one can get this basic premise? That the meek and the small are not necessarily less evolved and less enlightened in the greater scheme of things. When you step outside your own ego and your own maps and science, the significance of others' value in the greater scheme of things becomes clearer. The world is more nuanced than boxes of 'functional' and 'non-functional'. Many of the supposed 'non-functional' have something to offer and are functional in the greater picture. But they are silent about it. How can they speak on something so complex, how can they champion themselves when they have so many struggles? This is a serious problem. The functional are loud. They have no problems championing themselves and so their point of view is the majority rule and very attractive for an ego to unconsciously adopt their perspective. I think people like Carl Jung were trying to use theory to understand and booster 'the meek and the small'. Perceivers, specifically INFPs, frequent the mental health system quite regularly and don't quite fit into our ESTJ society. I remember reading a quote somewhere where Carl Jung said the introverted perceiver's strength and organization lies in his internal world rather than the external. INFPs are most likely to 'ruminate', self-reference, and commit suicide of all types I think and yet people like Jung and Tolkien went out of their way to understand them and their strengths assuming them to be equals in their society that can so easily demonize and pathologize them. Conflict Putting yourself in conflict situations causes a pull away. Especially if you remain taut or rigid or self-contained. Low neuroticism in conflict situations (low agreeableness) is the integration of masculine. Popularity occurs when you pull away and then spring forward. If you only ever pull away then it just causes frustration, although you will be more desirable. A feminine who naturally springs forward and trains herself to pull herself back and remain self-contained is powerful. Pain The pain you encounter during the pull away in conflict situations will subside and you'll be left with the fruits if you don't mess it up by being neurotic before the pain subsides and spring forward undoing the pull away. Still, even then, there will usually be fruits if you can get your neuroticism under control. Low agreeableness or conflict comes with fruits. Fruits such as the need to rejoin, charisma, charm, and attractiveness. That's why assertiveness training and meditation practice are both great things for the feminine to include in her self-development. She has to put herself in conflict situations and lower her neuroticism. "Conflict situations" just means mild low agreeableness and mild forms of conflict. Nothing extreme is necessary. My mentor taught me the art of subtly. Make yourself uncomfortable and embrace criticism. Come from a non-neurotic place, a non-volatile place. Meditate. Speak from a place of stillness and embrace division and conflict but lead with the feminine (unity). To demonize division would be attachment. Meditation Meditation is stepping out of your own way. The flower naturally blossoms left to its own devices, when you step out of its way and lower neuroticism as a result of meditation. You are beautiful when you step out of your own way. The cork floats to the surface. It is your default to blossom left to your own devices. The Method I picked up this method many years ago during a mystical experience. It served me well. Letting go and satisfaction are on the same frequency. Find a satisfying feeling in the body, then practice do nothing meditation. They feed into each other. Where there is satisfaction there is a letting go. Where there is a letting go, there is satisfaction. It's easier to find a satisfying feeling in the body and then practice doing nothing, than to practice do nothing and then feeling the satisfaction. Tap into the potential held within the satisfying feeling. The satisfying feelings in the body will grow, along with the mind's letting go. Your body will glow with satisfaction. It doesn't only have to be a bodily sensation. It can be anything. Beautiful energies, the breath (particularly out breath), sexual energy, reality itself (advanced), etc. Satisfaction draws more satisfaction. Even larger forms of satisfaction. Bodily sensation is one of the most potent ways. Can be difficult to access though. In terms of access, here's what I do (in order): 1. Satisfaction from reality itself (access point) 2. Satisfaction from bodily sensation. If I can't reach bodily sensation then the breath or sexual energy. 3. Satisfaction from beautiful energies. . How to write this without sounding arrogant or proud while dispersing possible misunderstandings? What I mean by "BEING" is a very high level of consciousness. It is not necessarily all mental masturbation when people write of their experiences and insights. I recognize when people are speaking in the absolute. I'm sure others have a high level of consciousness and are writing of their own experiences of that. The only time I 'meet' someone with my level of consciousness is when it's reflected back to me in visions and dreams. From that perspective and in my experience and knowing, I have a very high level of consciousness as baseline. Although I still realize that I have quite a bit more integration work to do regarding the divine masculine and divine marriage, as well as growth in the relative or human sphere of concern.

@zurew But what if this kid changes mind in future? I don’t understand how it’s justified but okay, it’s your opinion but I wouldn’t do this to my child. I would wait until puberty. Listen to Jordan Peterson, he is a conservative but a great psychologist. Suicide rate is high already because many transgenders have had surgery and then they wanted to come back in their old body. It happens when you don’t have enough patience(I know it’s difficult) to reach the age when you actually can see more clearly who you are and what you want. There must be a certain age. 8 year old kids shouldn’t go through this. I think he is influenced by his father who wanted to change his gender when he was a child.

This problem is not easy ,because the suicide rate is incredibly high among trans people, and if you have gender dysphoria and you go through your puberty there will be irreversible changes to your body and then those people will need to live the rest of their life hating themselves and being uncomfortable with themselves - which will lead a lot of them to commit suicide. The statistics and the current data on this shows that surgery is a very effective way to make these people feel much better and to not commit suicide. No other method have been demonstrated or suggested that would be nearly as effective as surgeries.

I think people like Carl Jung were trying to use theory to understand and booster 'the meek and the small'. Perceivers, specifically INFPs, frequent the mental health system quite regularly and don't quite fit into our ESTJ society. I remember reading a quote somewhere where Carl Jung said the introverted perceiver's strength and organization lies in his internal world rather than the external. INFPs are most likely to 'ruminate', self-reference, and commit suicide of all types I think and yet people like Jung and Tolkien went out of their way to understand them and their strengths assuming them to be equals in their society that can so easily demonize and pathologize them.

Great write-up: I lost count of my streak (been a few months) and the mere thought of fapping just makes me sick nowadays. I can't even imagine myself returning to my old ways. Ever. Just the thoughts of: Being a creepy, lonely fucker- sitting in a dark room alone, face lit by a mechanical, cold computer screen that does not give a damn about you. The sweaty hands and balls, stinking crotch and heavy, animalistic breathing- like you're a fiendish creature. The more you watch and wank, the more disturbing your fetish gets. You end up watching gay sex when your not even turned on by gay sex. Beastiality. Peadophilia. You name it. It erodes your conscience. You're a beast. The frying of your dopamine receptors- and your mind is submerged; eroding in a chemical bath. You're somewhere else, and nothing makes sense. Your facial expression is enough to turn your mother away in disgust. The mindless, 5 seconds worth of numbness upon orgasm (I say numbness- this isn't pleasure not even close). Forgotten as soon as it happens. No emotion post orgasm. Just the blurry vision and aching heart. Your dick hates you for lying to it again and shrivels up even smaller than before. Your load- the millions of sperm, the life force in your body, scrunched up in a tissue and thrown in the bin. These sperm, your potential future sons and daughters, spat out and killed, left to rot in the rubbish because of your selfish, ghastly desires. And that EMPTY ass feeling when it's all over- you fall back into reality with a crash. You quickly turn off the porn on your PC because you suddenly fucking hate it. It's the worst thing ever at this point. Then that burning sensation of regret as you sit there alone. Thinking "What the fuck". You spend the rest of the day alone- weakness, anxiety, depression all kicks in 10x worse than before you PMO'd. Video games are your friend- they don't judge you for being so vile. Soulless, mechanical mediums suddenly replace intimacy with real people. You can't look your mom in the eye and tell her you love her, you can't go outside and play football with your innocent, pure brother. You can't imagine helping your sister with her homework because the thought of being alone in a room with a "vagina" instantly means you must fuck it. Withdrawal from closest friends who cannot help you because they've no idea what the problem is. Grades suffer- future looks bleak. Think about ending it, suicide. Think about cutting yourself, drugs, prostitutes... And then realise you're a pathetic fuck who hasn't got the balls to do either- And so you turn on your computer. And so the cycle continues. NoFappers, looking back at these points in my life, I hand on heart swear that PMO addiction is the worst thing to have ever happened to me. It sickens me thinking of these points in my life, and I vow I'll never return to this endless cycle of misery. And I hope that those out there reading this can relate to my experiences, and see in writing how pathetic it is to give in to these urges. See with your own eyes and learn from my experiences about about how PMO lifestyle is just a downward spiral. And find it within yourself to bring yourselves out of this pit of darkness. It's not worth it at all is it? Don't destroy your valuable, short time on this earth. Live it to the fullest, and live it well. There are no second chances.

Around 6-8 month before the date 2012-12-24 Was the second time my ego try to murder me(planing and guide me to a suicide) the first time was about 17 years ago (First murder attempt) No indirect search for help. It was planned maybe for 5-6 weeks the ego preppers me mentally created an illusion remove all fear for die and to make sure I don't chicken out (if i cancel the plan i have nothing to return to) Egot drench my apartment in gasoline and everything i own was light on fire before heading to my car To really make sure I die ego is pouring a lot of vodka into me and has around 8-10 sleeping pills ready ego. Make it clear don't eat the pills to we arrive we don't wanna pass out on the way(lot of vodka and sleeping pills) destination very far away from anything that Could interrupt the agenda i was 30 years old (something in there has shown me (some kind of reward for all Hard work i spent looking inwards) why ego tries to murder me and how I survived two times. second murder attempt/plan was an even more bullet proof than the first try) Tiny random occurrence in the surrounding just enuff to derail Egos master plan(deeper explanation later)

So hello guys, I have experienced this trip on September 8th 2022, so about three monthes ago. Today I just felt the urge to share my experience, so that maybe people can relate to it or can give me an advice, what the hell I experienced there. So anyways here we go: Side note: Im 26 years old, male, living in Germany, currently still a student, have had a relatively normal upbringing and never really struggeled seriously with mental health issues, just some OCD, little depression here and here, but nothing that serious. In my entire life up to this point, except the trip I had three monthes ago, I literally had zero drug experience in my life. I only had a few sips of beer and a bit of coffee (last time I drank coffe is six years ago). So my brain is completely fresh and totally sober. The substance I took/smoked was weed. All the people I know who smoked weed had a fun and chill time and were just enjoying the experience. And weed is officially not a psychedelic and not something dangerous to be afraid of. I waited till 26 because I wanted to be on the safer side so that my brain is almost fully developed. I never ever read anywhere that you can experience hell and insanity on just weed, its really crazy. Anyways, on the trip day I was feeling pretty good, was in a good mood, felt mentally stable and me and two other friends find ourselves a nice spot in nature to have a chill time, listen to some music, eat something and talk a bit. The weed I got from another friend, and he said that it was pretty solid stuff. He said that there are two types of weed mixed with eachother in the bag he sold me. So we found a nice spot and my friend built a nice long joint. We sat on a tree somewhere in the forest, so that nobody could see us. And then the trip started: I was the first one and I dont know why, but I really took many long puffs right from the start, I think it was 3 long puffs. Then the other two friends smoked and it was my turn again. I took two more long puffs. The other friends again and me again with one or two puffs. Then we waited a bit. I started to feel a bit anxious, but nothing serious. My heart started to beat very fast. Then out of nowhere I lost all colour vision and saw a white light. I had a very loud buzzing in my ear and all I could see was gray. I tried to stay calm and thought to myself that this was just the come up and that it would go away in a minute. And after 2-3 minutes the colour vision came back, the tinnitus went away and my heart beat got back to normal. I tried to force nothing and let the experience happen. I waited and tried to enjoy the music. My two other friends were already stoned and talked to eachother. What happend then is very difficult for me to put into words: After a few more minutes I got into a consciousness-state that really felt like insanity. I didnt have any hallucinations, I saw everything for what it was, but I entered another reality, my consciousness shifted and I felt trapped. I felt so trapped and it was the weirdest and most terrifying thing I experienced in my entire life. All the nightmares I had were nothing compared to this state I was in. In this moment I was 100% sure that this is pure insanity, pure nightmare, pure hell. I completely lost the sense of time and I lost all orientation. My ego-consciousness melted into a state of pure imprisonment, chaos and desorientation. Past, Now and future merged into one and I didnt feel myself anymore, it was as if I could watch myself from another perspective, but I was still trapped. I walked around all the time, scratching my head and making movements and speaking things that didnt make any sense. I felt like a crazy person and I was 100% sure that this will never go away. I was sure that I will go straight to the lunatic asylum. I said goodbye to the normal life and prepared to live there my entire life. And during this phase of the trip I thought to myself many times that suicide was the only thing that can bring me out of this hell-state and I never think about suicide in my normal state, never considered it, never. Its really difficult to put into words what kind of state it was. I was in an entire different reality. It felt like infinite imprisonment. My other two friends were enjoying their trip and were talking to eachother the entire time. I tried to hide my experience as good as I could. We started to walk out of the forest and I felt like Im in a labyrinth. I also lost my sense of distance and couldnt tell, if things were 100 m behind me or 500 m. We walked around and slowly this state started to go away. (by the way, the whole time I was praying to God to make this stop and I sweared to myself that if I get out of this I will never ever take any drugs in my entire life again) After 4 hours, I was still 30 percent in that state. We all went to our homes and I immediatly went to bed. The next day, there was about 5% of this state still left. And two days after the trip I was fully back to normal. I was so relieved that it went all away and that I was back to normal. Im also glad that it didnt traumatized me, but it really had the potential to do so. Anyways, for the next time I stay away from any kind of substance, and maybe for the rest of my life because I really dont want to experience this insantiy again and maybe the next time I wont come out of it and be stuck in it permanently. Thanks for reading and wish you all a good day Peace

With society progressing and becoming more liberal, I see nothing but the clock ticking for these religions especially since its fundamentalists don’t tolerate certain groups of people and are trying to infiltrate politics by breaking down the separation of church and state. Christianity for example is growing more and more incompatible with modern society that multiple studies are signaling its decline. All it takes is for the state to tax the churches and it’s over. Running for president these days while saying that homosexuality is a sin for example, is political suicide. Isn’t it all just a matter of time?

@Judy2 no I don't have anyone. My family is extremely abusive. That's why I come online. I have zero friends because nobody has time to listen to someone's trauma 24/7. Even therapists get tired and most therapists are useless anyway. Plus I'm autistic and anxious. So I never feel comfortable enough to open up to a therapist. I just shut down and become completely blank in front of therapists. My only solution is to write down my thoughts and feelings, that's the only time I'm not feeling stressed out or anxious and that's the reason why I need journaling so badly, especially public journaling. I'm protected from degrading mentally when I journal.. My family is worried that I'll commit suicide at some point. Although they are not going to do anything about it because they don't really give a damn. They think of me as a loser They just pretend like they care. They are abusive too. So I'm left with little option. Today I felt like cutting myself. I even feel like killing some people on this forum because they are driving me so insane. I feel like snatching the keyboard from them because they are abusive and misuse their freedom to type online to abuse vulnerable people like me who feel helpless in stopping them I feel like there should be a cyber bullying crime center on the internet. Because people with abusive families come online to seek help and feel better. And these abusive sharks are sitting everywhere to prey on vulnerable people by bullying them constantly. They know that they are able to get away with it. That drives me mad with anger. Because they can use words to hurt others but nothing will happen to them, they will never have to face consequences. The internet will never be a safe place I wish there was an online center where you could complain about such online abuse and they would quickly disconnect the internet of such trolls and abusers so that they won't be able to misuse their freedoms and privileges to abuse others freely. If you walk into a park and if someone verbally or physically assaults you, you can immediately call the cops and get the person arrested. I don't know why this can't be done online. Why online abuse is simply neglected? You know how many people kill themselves every year due to cyber bullying. Nothing will ever be done about it unless more and more people die out of frustration and suffering. Then maybe someday people will wake up and there will be stricter measures and policies on internet protocol and finally maybe something serious will happen and we will actually be able to deal with online abuse/harassment and put an end to it. Till then many people will have to commit suicide for some awareness to actually spread and knock sense into people that any kind of abuse is abuse, offline or online. And it's not simple as logging off. The internet resources are needed especially for vulnerable people but abusers get there first and start preying. I wish there were safer websites that took online bullying very seriously and put measures so nobody can get away with using their keyboard anyhow they want. This website is definitely not one of those.

@Tyler Robinson hi .I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it's terrible. Let me try to shed some light on your situation so that you have an idea what's going on. The reason you are having a lot of negative thoughts is because your mind is idle. The reason your mind is idle is because you don't have energy to do anything. The reason you don't have energy to do anything is because you are channeling the bulk of your energy into suppressing your emotions, as a result of your negative thoughts. Negative thoughts -> negative emotions -> use energy to suppress emotions -> no energy to do anything else -> mind is idle -> more negative thoughts The fear that you will not be normal is one such negative thought. It's all connected, but it can be hard to see when you're in the thick of it. It's all one big haze, one neverending cloud of darkness. The first thing to realise is that you cannot trust your own thoughts. That's scary, I know. But when you're in the midst of a depressive episode, you cannot trust your own mind. That means some of the things that your mind thinks are real, some are not, and you are unable to differentiate which is which. In such times when you can't even trust your own mind, who can you trust? your parents your best friends your therapist Pick one or two, and trust that person’s words over your own, against your better judgement because during these times, your judgement is impaired. The second thing to do is to reduce the number of thoughts that come to mind. Remember, the reason you have so many is because your mind is idle. Give your mind something to do. I highly encourage going out into the sun and doing some vigorous exercise. Sunlight and exercise and great ways to lift the cloud of darkness around you, for physiological reasons. Also try serious meditation retreats .or just meditation I'm home . Can make you feel present and in touch with the real world . Call a suicide prevention hotline ASAP if you feel you can't take it anymore. I hope others will give you something useful if mine wasn't useful for you . Can't much comment on the journal thing .because I'm not part of the staff here. I wish you to live a long happy life with peace in your heart . I hope you get better soon .

It's my father's death anniversary. I'm dealing with a lot in my fucking life. I can't handle internet abuse. I'm serious I'm going to end my life. I like journaling. I don't like intrusion. It impacts me mentally. The journaling helps me heal mentally everyday and that's why I do it. I am severely mentally ill. I'm very depressed. The journaling acts as a therapy for me. I simply cannot deal with cyberbullying. I'm seriously going to kill myself because I have no other solution other than journaling my troubles and seek relief. The people who run this website don't understand how important this is for mentally ill people like me.. I'm terribly frustrated with this website's policy that doesn't allow any privacy to journal. Anybody can comment in journals and it drives me nuts. Because for people like me, intrusion impacts us mentally. We like to be left alone I'm Hyper sensitive for fucks sake. I am paranoid 24/7 that somebody will comment on my journal. It makes me uncomfortable to the point of suicide. I'm not like other people. And I hate how this sensitivity is constantly being preyed on. Why can't this website stop people from commenting on journals and make journals inaccessible to Commenters. Why isn't the owner of the website doing something? It is a huge frustration for me because I use the journaling mainly for my trauma therapy and I cannot afford someone intruding in it It drives me insane with fear, anxiety and insecurity, distress. Last 2 days I've been crying all day long feeling paranoid that someone will try to abuse me in my journals. When repeated disclaimers are given to not comment. Why is this never taken seriously? This was the only place that made me feel safe. And I constantly feel my space being invaded I want this website to really do something seriously about this. I'm going insane with paranoid fear. I have anxiety and panic disorder. I go into panic mode and panic attacks when I see a comment in my journal. And there are other users who feel similar ways. This has to stop. I've been fighting against this for so long. This website encourages cyberbullying of vulnerable people. I'm also planning to leave the forum and just stick to journals because I can't take this blatant abuse anymore. I'm seriously tired and suicidal. I'm begging for help. Mods and Leo have to do something about this I'm sick of feeling fear/anxiety all the time.

@Danioover9000 Sure, in a story he shares how: He makes really good friends with a trans comedian. “She” was one of Dave’s biggest fans. She laughed at all his jokes and at the trans jokes even harder. She said at one point “I just want people to realize I do t care if I am Trans. I just want people to see I am having a human experience” (True story). After performing with Dave Chappelle the trans community bullied this trans person so hard 2 weeks later she committed suicide. Dave chappele started a fund for the trans persons daughter she can access when she is 24. Dave said at the end… ”Young lady, I knew your father. He was a wonderful woman”

First huawei and now this. I thought we are globalized. It turns out to be it's my data vs yours. What is the point of cockblocking certain information or data? Who benefits from that... 9/11 changed the definition of national security and now the new informations are national security breach... If you are not subscribed to certain narrative you are a national security breach. Gotta love national security club. When they gonna reset the economy and replace it with centralized coins they will justify it as national security. Politics is like a child commiting ''suicide'' from balcony because he thinks hes a Pokemon. Maybe he is a pokemon? not a pile of meat? Politics is creation.

This fear of cults is getting ridiculous, has it ever occured to you that this place is more likely to be a cult than that casual discord channel ever was? There is no comparison to be made to Heaven's gate, it's just a ridiculous comparison. Sure there might be cult Discords out there but that Discord server was more like a casual server where people chatted about random stuff and psychology. Reminded me more of my friends Discord groups than some spiritual haven. If the Discord proposed suicide as the solution I would have quit it instantly. Also, this forum is no guarantee to not misunderstand spiritual teachings. I'm sure people misunderstand spiritual teachings on here all the time.

@Roy What would your thinking and feeling be, if Coffeezilla started investigating Leo Gura and Actualized.org, and the suicide that happened here? How would your opinion change of him if he started making critique videos of Leo Gura, but made it a bit more of a rant? Calling him a scammer and crazy self-help life coach, and fake spiritual Guru?

What else is there to do but live? Death is not the end of life, you said yourself that you know that. In my opinion, if you end it with suicide now, you will traumatize yourself so much that it will be even more difficult in your next life. Try to accept and work with the situation you are in. There is no magic cure for those problems and we all struggle with them to some degree. Maybe try psychedelics or ketamine therapy if you're open to it. Take one breath at a time and relax into your body. If you try your best in every moment, the universe will take care of you. You could also keep a journal and do there what you did here. Just let it all out and slowly banish that negativity from your mind. Or do an art form like paint what you feel or whatever. This is something where you can really be yourself and it's not dangerous at all. Basically, you need to find a way to manage your emotions in order for your thoughts to be changed. Life can be very tough at times and it is much harder for some people than for others, but if you manage to survive these times and allow yourself to grow, you will become a very wise and compassionate being. Think of the people we look up to. Most of them have been in very difficult situations, but somehow they found a way to take control of their lives and that made them who they are. Other than that, they're nothing special so you or anyone else can do that too. Hopefully something of that resonates.