Lila9

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  1. My energy is over. I was a good worker today but a wretched person
  2. This question annoys me. Am I worth talking only if I'm single?
  3. I'm not sure that in reality it's that easy and glorious as it sounds and if it does, there is certainly a price she pays that we aren't aware of.
  4. I don't think it's a good alternative and for me it's the same as being a traditional sex worker.
  5. Sometimes men ask me if I have a BF. But I feel like I don't worth the question.
  6. I want to be in a deep and meaningful relationship with a man. But before that I should improve my relationship with myself.
  7. I have considered it before and I still think about it when I feel frustrated by my low income job and by my chances to ever improve my financial state as someone who came from an extremely poor family. But I probably will never do that because I don't want to spend my time as a masturbation tool for lonely men. I also don't care about lonely and horny men that much. There are other things that I care more about and given that we all have one life, I want to do better things, even if they won't improve my finances. A while ago I went to an area where there were many prostitutes just to talk to them and see how their life is. I brought some chocolate and soft drinks with me so they will want to open up. Some women didn't want to talk to me maybe because they though that I am from a feminist organization and that I'm going to lecture them or something. Others I convinced successfully that I just want to hear them and nothing more. I talked to 3. One of them was a woman around my age and she looked like me, she could be my sister. She looked very tired. She said that her dream was to be a veterinarian but she fell into prostitution in a very young and vulnerable age in order to sustain her family and now she's stuck here. She thought it will be easy money and she will be able to end it if she wants and then pursue her dreams but she found that it's hard because this kind of work ruined her self esteem completely (and made her a drug addict). I asked her if there is anything I can do for her and she said that there is nothing I can do for her and that I'm the first person who talked to her as a friend. Later when I was in my town I remembered that she talked about a perfume she likes because its smell makes her feel less of a crap so I went to the local drugstore and bought it for her. I planned to come to her next week and give it to her but when I came she wasn't there. I asked the women there where she is and they said that she's probably in the hospital.
  8. A ESFJ/P person tried to impress me and prove to me that he is spiritual. Even though I didn't ask that. Yes he talked a lot about things like meditation and about things that his guru taught him. I listened carefully and encouraged him but also told him to keep his eyes open and find more resources. I wanted to tell him that it's OK, and he has nothing to prove to me because I'm not the gatekeeper of spirituality and my validation isn't importent. But more than that I wanted to tell him that I myself clueless as fuck and I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing that. I wanted to tell him about my nihilistic phase where any spiritual philosophy seems dull and meaningless to me. And how lost and confused I feel when the things that used to turn the light in me, merely impact me now. And that I lose God as fast as I find it. And all I want is to sleep. To have a good sleep.
  9. I would tell you, as an INFP myself, that you are always more than how people see you or judge you. And that you are amazing And that you have the potential to be the happiest among everyone but also the saddest. We are an emotional mess but it gets better if you learn how to work with it rather than against it. I recommend you to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/INFP-Book-perks-challenges-self-discovery/dp/154281569X I also recommend this channel of a guy who is an INFP himself. He has very high-quality info about INFPs that support self-actualizing and growth.
  10. This is normal and we all experience that. It's ok to cringe, and there will be a lot of cringe moments in the future. Just make sure you are not too critical with yourself at those moments. Nobody's perfect. Humor helps me a lot.
  11. I don't want to lose my frame though. The fact that I quit art temporary and I'm confused about my identity doesn't mean that I have to fill my brain with bullshit of others, and belive me, I work with people who full of it. I will still protect my soul from all this daily bullshit around me. Nothing unnecessary can penetrate my soul. I worked in the past year on being less in my head and more in the present moment by spending more time in nature. Merely being aware to the fact that I tend to be in my head helps me to be less there. But there are times that I don't want to be in the moment and I don't care about the moment and all I want is to be anywhere else. Currently I want to hide from the world with my books and tea, I don't want to work or see any face. I want to fantasize about new ideas, gain some knowledge or read some novels. I'm waiting for the winter, I want a cold weather, I want storms. I want this melancholic vibe so I can resonate.
  12. At this period of time I thought I would practice and sharpen my skills but I quit. Life can be so unexpected. It's like stop liking your favorite food or band. No one prepares you for that. I belive that one day, maybe in a month or two, maybe in a year I will come back to it with some new insights.
  13. I temporarily quit art or any creative hobbies I have. I'm too harsh and too perfectionist with myself that it made me see those as a chore. I have so many ideas and expectations and this is so tiring to not be able to create all those the way I imagine. I also feel burned out. every day for 5-6 years I either do art or don't do art and feel guilty about not doing art. I'm so tired of feeling guilty about it, I have so much guilt and shame around it (because I'm not a pro as I want to be and I also compare myself to others). So... I need a brake. I have to stop showing my works to others, I don't feel proud about them anymore and I can't resonate with them. It's a pure garbage for me now. Nothing inspires me now, I'm dead artistically. Even the things that I consider or considered as beautiful, I don't see as beautiful anymore and I don't that care about beauty anymore. For real. My soul is dead now. I don't know if I'm depressed. I can function but as a shell. I feel empty inside. I want to hide from this world and get lost in books. I have many books to read and I want to read something. Maybe it will bring me some different perspectives and will inspire me to create again. My identity was built around art and me being creative ass but now I see this field as too demanding, I feel ineligible, I feel tired and I lost the meaning and the reason I had about doing this. This is not my first artistic crisis, but it's my first artistic crisis in my adult life. Fuck it. I don't know who I am anymore.
  14. I'm grateful for the NF's, SF's type of people I've met during my adult life though. I didn't meet a lot but those who I've met made me feel more loved and understood, saw and appreciate my gifts, supported my creativity by verbal encouragement or by buying some paintings and another diy stuff I've made. It always was mutual support and understanding. I should focus more on this type of people when I think about people in general.
  15. I don't want to be stressed about stupid stuff and most of the stuff I'm stressed about are stupid. I remind myself to let go and question the meaning I give to the things that make me stressful. It helps but it would be more helpful to not work at all. But I have to so I will extort the best of it. I will work on my terms and if I don't fit and I'm not good enough I don't care to get fired because my workplace needs me more than I need it and apparently they will tolerate anything from me as long as I'm not a rude and disrespectful asshole. Yes it's true that it's not easy to find tolerable work in my area and it might take few months for me to find a new job but at the end I'll find and according to my employment history, everytime I left a workplace I found a better workplace afterwards.