flowboy

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  1. In other news: my friend David offered me a cigarette, and without great effort, I did not take it. Nor did I keep thinking about it all night. I was in doubt over it, sure, but it didn't seem worth it. I guess that recent LSD trip where my girlfriend was standing over my death bed as I died of lung cancer, really did its work😮
  2. @Raphael @dharma-shishyah Thank you both, that means a lot.
  3. So much of my perceptions are through the lens of: this person is a real alpha male, with actual good genes, and this other person is not. Or I am not. I've been trying to make life choices to prove to my Father that he was wrong. That the weakness dies with him. And unfortunately, he seemed to be right in some cases: I had to run away from bullies at many instances, and the times that I didn't, I got the shit kicked out of me. The most extreme example being when I fought three guys in a street fight and lost some teeth. Setting myself up for failure, because proving my dad right meant that I at least still had that connection. I was still at home somehow. That could be the contradiction that has been taking up so much energy. I want him to be wrong, so that I can be successful, but I want him to be right, so that he is still my dad who knows it all. If you are poor, and at the losing end of a deal, you are noble. Winning = being mean and wrong. I'm sure he wouldn't put it that way, but that's the message I got as a child. I was talented at some things, but always second place. Now it makes sense. Saying "I want to win / I deserve to win" anything, feels totally alien and weird. Every life choice has been evaluated using the test: but can that get me to the top somehow? Never mind whether I enjoy something or whether it makes me happy. The only thing that matters is whether this path can help me become top dog in some way, and spite my father.
  4. I am feeling the pain of my younger self. CAN'T TRUST MOM CAN'T TRUST DAD They are sweet but they can't protect me. They can not help me get what I want. It seems they are in some sort of plot to make me into a loser. I was born with a certain weakness and ineptitude to survive in this hostile world, and I am screaming for help, but they won't, BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ON IT. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. NOBODY. God, why did you put me here, if I don't have the potential to do well? If your plan is to make me into a tragic weak loser, God, then I'm sorry but I am going to have to sabotage your plan. I will create my own sexual and financial success, even if NOBODY ELSE WANTS ME TO HAVE IT. Can't trust God either. Every parent figure, arcetypal or not, seems to be part of a plan to make me play the role of a meek, beta servant. Why wasn't I born with more fight in me? Why did I let kids push me around on the playground without doing anything? Why didn't my dad care? Or know what to do? Why did he shrug it off, instead of teaching me self-defense? Because he was weak. Do I blame them for putting me in multiple schools where I was beaten and abused? All the while telling me that it's not so bad, and to turn the other cheek? Refusing to help me defend myself? Or do I blame myself more? Here's what the entity in me says, that was created back then: I got very conflicting messages in my childhood. My parents said: you must be sweet and sensitive and harmless, but the world says: you will be abused and oppressed for being that way. And you will never win anything, or gain respect, and no women will want you. I didn't even know if I wanted my parents' approval, or the worlds' approval. I chose to shoot for worldly success, and to do that by fighting everything that I was. Trying to change myself as much as possible: after all, if the way I was, was how my parents approved of me, but the ones telling me to just be my sweet and sensitive self, also had no clue how to defend me, or themselves, from aggressors, or to be socially or sexually successful... then it's easy to think being myself is wrong, my parents don't know, the bullies are right. I need to change and become mean and angry. Yeah, no shit I don't feel ready to be a father. My own father didn't even think it was important to make me strong enough to physically defend and protect me. No no, he thought it was inevitable for me to get beaten up in school, because that's what happened to him. So he just sat back meekly and closed his eyes to it. No wonder I don't trust authority. No wonder I don't trust any 'mothering' or fatherly type of energy to give me advice. It's always: "yeahh yeah, you say you mean well, but you are part of the plot of making me into a weak loser. I can't trust anybody but myself" I can't trust anybody but myself. And what did 13 year old myself think was important? Being popular, and sex. Can't be a loser when you're fucking new girls all the time. So that's the move. Hedonism was a great way to rebel against my father. Especially when I felt him becoming jealous, for the girls I fucked. That was sweet revenge. He hurt me first, by being so weak and trying to make me the same. So whenever I start to feel too much at home, and I'm getting nudged in a certain direction, whether it is my university, or my girlfriend giving me well-intentioned advice, I just shut off and go "Yeah yeah, fuck this, you are trying to weaken me. Sex is the only thing that matters" I'm stuck in constant rebellion. Anything that is main stream, or anybody that my parents would approve of, are part of the plot against me, to victimize me, weaken me, take my manhood away, or basically: to deny me getting my needs met. No wonder I rebelled against my girlfriend so hard when she got along with my parents so well. No wonder that the parts of my vision board that I feel the strongest motivation for, are actually the parts that are there to annoy my parents. Getting insanely rich, to annoy my parents. Fucking an insane amount of women, to make my dad eat his heart out. Other, more benevolent goals I have, feel a bit more distant to me. I guess because my parents would approve of them. So I can't really trust that, can I. Only the hedonistic goals feel completely mine. I just remembered: my parents gave me my first self-help book. That's how I got onto the treadmill of accumulating ever-more habits, that almost made me good enough. What a gesture. "Here son, here's a book with principles for life that we failed to embody, but hey, do as I say, not as I do, why don't you. All the misery you've gone through is your fault, after all." It was with the best of intentions, but it got me obsessed with all these principles I had to embody in order to be a successful human. It gave me an activity to project the feeling onto, that the way I am is fundamentally flawed. Shortly after, I designed my first morning routine.
  5. I'm in bed with a fever, and I feel mentally insane. The work I've done, re-telling my life story in the past week, has been ... opening up old wounds, shining light on very dysfunctional patterns / defense mechanisms. To what point can a person be fixed? Literally 2 parts of me are shouting at each other, wanting different things. One feels at home, the other will never feel at home anywhere. What did my childhood do to me? Why do I have so much jealousy, ungratefulness, envy boiling all the time? Why do I feel totally fake at times like this? Why did my dad have to tell me that I have "weak genes" and am bound to be a loser? Because that shit cut deep.
  6. I just went through all my enemies, my bullies, my perpetrators... and forgave them one by one. They needed someone to beat up. We all need a win sometimes. I'm happy for them. I visualised myself carrying my younger self away from a dangerous, no-win situation. I did not need to be there at all. With people who did not care about me, and people who were looking for someone to vent their aggression on. I gave myself the martial arts classes that I needed and never got. I gave myself the brotherly protection, kicking away all the bad guys for him. I visualised myself as an angel, wrapping my arms around my younger self and also my perpetrators, and comforting them all like they were brothers and sisters and I was the parent. I've been through so much shit, man. I've been publicly shamed, humiliated, beaten and mistreated more times that I can count. And I'm in the process of becoming okay with it. It's okay. I love them. We're all playing the same game. That was their role, this was mine. We played them well. I even forgave my parents' perpetrators, who made them what they were, passing on some shadows to me. I'm happy to carry my part. I love them all. Now, I feel totally raw. I want to curl up in a ball on the couch, wrap my hands around my knees and do nothing of importance for a long time.
  7. The way to do that would be to set your life up in a way where you never have to do a job that requires you to think logically and analyze. In addition to treating any anxiety, depression or other tendencies to ruminate and think about oneself. Getting in flow in this case is basically the process of turning off the logical analytical mind, and letting go of all filters. This is in my experience most necessary if you had the analytical mind and filters turned on in the first place, for example because you were at work, or because you were worrying/thinking about yourself in some capacity (something that people who do personal development will inevitably do at times). So yes, if your life requires you to never have to get serious, and you can be in socializing-party-mode all the time, and you stop all self-reflection and rumination, perhaps also don't read books anymore because it requires too much thinking, it's theoretically possible. Provided you are an extravert. If you are an introvert, you will need to have times of not being 'on', or you'll burn out. There's probably some jobs that lend themselves to being almost always in 'state', as RSD used to call it. Bartending maybe, club promoters, any job that is based on you being social and organizing parties and stuff. Trip promoters. Being a pick-up coach, also a good example. Rock star, perhaps, I'm not sure. But if those things are not part of your purpose, I wouldn't worry about it. If you love what you do and how your life is going, you have self-acceptance and self-love and self-esteem and all of that, and your traumas have been properly dealt with, it doesn't take many conversations to get into flow anyway.
  8. I've never heard of someone being suicidal and there not being some sort of neglect or abuse in childhood. It's always there, even if they are blocking it out or minimizing it. I would look into Primal therapy.
  9. @StarStruck I find it gets better after I get warmed up with some interactions. Don't just go out and stare at people, you will never get warmed up. And also that's a creepy way to go about it. Talk to 10 people in quick succession and try again. I think you'll find it will come naturally when you are in flow.
  10. Coming home should not be practice. Coming home should be utterly relaxed, all shields down. Unless your main purpose in life is to live with people uncomfortably, and then write a book on it or something, this is probably detrimental to what you are trying to do in life and you should leave this situation.
  11. @fopylo This. Obviously what they are saying has found some resonance in you at this point. Or you wouldn't be hurt, just weirded out. Getting back to the place of just being weirded out, is the key to turning this around. So I would investigate those beliefs in you and deconstruct them until you see the absurdity in it. If you do that correctly, you can get yourself back to a place of just being utterly surprised and weirded out by any of this namecalling, and you can react authentically with: "What the FUCK are you even saying? Are we just saying shit that doesn't make sense now? Am I going to call you X Y and Z (insert equally ridiculous things). " You can only pull that off if your inner game is strong, which means that there is no part of you that thinks the other is right to blame you or shame you. Only if you are not mentally busy with whether the insult is true, because it is just soo ridiculous you won't even entertain it, will you have the mental headspace to question the other person's sanity/validity for what they are saying. This is basically a frame battle. If you don't believe that the other is making any sense, and react accordingly, then you make the other feel weird about what they just said. And it will stop really quickly. To put some more force behind it, you can start questioning out loud what is wrong with the other person, that they say something like that. Make them feel weird for their behavior. Because it is socially undesirable behavior that they are doing, and you should make them feel weird and ashamed for that, instead of the other way around! In order of level of aggression (never go further than you have to or it will backfire) "Why are you so awkward?" "Are you jealous of my chess game?" "Dude why are you trying to put me down to feel better about yourself? It's okay, we accept you as you are, man. Calm down already" The psychology angle is very effective, basically discrediting someone's mental health while framing it as though you are simply worried about them and trying to help. There are endless variations on this. It's mean because it's true, you are exposing their true mental weakness that causes them to do this, meanwhile it looks like you are being clean and nice, you have the plausible deniability because it doesn't even look like you are bullying him or her back. And they are warned that they have to behave well with you, or they will get a label of mental illness sticking to them. And the rest of the group might adopt that silly label. "Do you have something going on at home?" "Is your daddy mean to you or something?" "Are you secretly afraid that we will know about your small dick, and that's why you keep saying mine is that?" "Are you secretly thinking about my dick all the time, and that's why you say that? I'm sorry, I'm straight tho" "When are you coming out of the closet for us?" Never aim this at the group, only aim it at the specific person who hurled the insult at you. If there are multiple, focus on one, and throw these laser daggers at this one until the rest of the group starts to find it amusing and the target feels shame. Then you won. And then stop, never be meaner than necessary or it backfires. Basically start questioning out loud why the person would say this, until you find something that makes them look really silly and the rest of the group may love and adopt. You try to label me, I will label you. If you are reactive to the other while doing this, you lose. You must hold your focus and ignore their counterattacks and attempts to distract you. If you are coming from a place of hurt and anger, you already lost the game and everything will backfire. That's why I'm saying: first clear your own negative beliefs about yourself. Because you've gotta be cool and amused to pull this off. Have an inner and outer smile and a chuckle armed and ready. I can't stress this enough. If you try to pull this off whilst overwhelmed with fear, anger or sadness, it will explode in your face. Good luck!
  12. Me in a nutshell. At least, a side of me. It was more pronounced when I was younger. Nobody told me that spending all my money was bad Nobody told me how to talk to girls Nobody told me how to keep my place clean. Or my clothes I BLAME MY PARENTS FOR EVERYTHING What an attitude... but hey, that's what it was. A coping strategy that arose out of pure panic and powerlessness. I am what some might call a "late bloomer", which in my case meant that my ability to socialize and understand and care about people developed very late, as did my executive functions (organizing, strategizing, self-control, etc). What do you do, when others are able to do what you aren't? I alternated between considering myself deeply flawed and blaming my environment for not teaching me life skills.
  13. Being boring == finding yourself boring. Being interesting == finding yourself interesting. If you find yourself interesting, not only would you talk about your life more animatedly, and be able to share more colourful details and a wider range of emotions, also, then no one can tell you you are boring and get any other reaction but laughter out of you. Which is automatically passing the shit test.
  14. Help me with some hints?
  15. That's awesome. Then those ideas should make it clear whether counselling is a step towards, or a step sideways.