flowboy

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  1. Sleeping over at someone else's house means not having time to work out in the morning. Even bringing everything you need. It still disrupts your routine. It's time I were less reckless with my schedule. I like working out 6 days a week.
  2. Bringing Meditation Back It's been roughly a a month of brushing my teeth like an adult, two months of making daily schedules, 3 months of not smoking, and 4 months of making weekly schedules. Now that I have these basic survival habits implemented, I feel like it's the right time to bring the daily meditation habit back. I will do 20 minutes a day. And additionally I will twice a week find a lull in my busy schedule to try and talk to a stranger, simply for the connection itself. Which I kind of just did Amazing when you set your mind to something and it just starts happening.
  3. @Farnaby I honestly would recommend taking MDMA together, or a psychedelic like LSD, and having a really good talk about all these things. That's the best advice I could give you. Because it sounds like you both have all these little frustrations here and there that your normal conversation patterns are not resolving. When you talk about it, your patterns are such that it doesn't lead to a satisfying resolution and the return of harmony. I'm sure I will get flak for this, but I think you need to have a glowing experience together that disrupts your normal every day patterns of relating. And no, hiding is never a good idea.
  4. If that's how you're interpreting what's happening, man, I feel you and I've been there but just know that it's an interpretation, not objective truth. And it's also a sign that you also have things to work on. Usually people who are together are more symmetrical in development than they think. I would strongly urge you to read The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. Seriously. It has helped me tremendously to understand male-female dynamics better, and what it actually means to be a man. And how to handle all aspects of relationships. Its wisdom cannot be summarised in a paragraph so I won't try. But give yourself that gift of reading that book!
  5. Hot Date And Thoughts So I met up with this scientist girl, who I matched with on the apps. I actually felt way too tired/work-obsessed to be social, but luckily she also was in a work mindset still, so we could relate and relax together. Played some pool, did some dancing, kissed a little. I got really excited. She feels very soft and feminine, she has that quality of energy that I like and turns me on. It creates this nice polarity with mine. I found myself fantasizing about her being my girlfriend while I was brushing my teeth. And after getting home, I still worked on my project a tiny bit. I'm really proud of that. The Flowboy that is looking to get distracted with women for as long as possible, is dead. I have a mission. This morning at the gym, again I saw this girl who looks so perfect that it just freaks out my whole system. And same thing happens: I know I don't have the balls to talk to her at this time, so I just try not to stare and focus on myself. And I'm there just for myself anyway, to focus on my own workout, blah blah. Then I see this smooth dude strike up a conversation with her. She laughs and plays with her hair. There is jealousy. It stings. It hurts in just the right way. I up the weight and do another set. Then it hits me how weird it is: when I'm on a date with a girl, I don't freak out, I feel pretty secure, I can just be myself, and if there is some connection it usually goes well. This is not about the girl at all. Or about the sexual aspect. There's nothing particularly wrong with how I relate to girls. I'm just not in the habit of talking to strangers. And when I see a random dude, I don't care about that. But when I see a hot girl, it stings, because I see all the possibilities. But it's not the talking to the hot girl. It's just the striking up conversations for no reason. That's the part that's missing. The sexual aspect is fine, I can take that out of the equation. So my hypothesis is: if I could just learn to connect to people for no particular reason, as a habit, then it will all work itself out, and I don't have to suffer every time I see an attractive person anymore. Probably the non-goal oriented part is what I should work on. I have no problem going up to strangers for a reason. But with strangers there is usually no reason. And then I try to talk to girls I see on the street, and it's weird, because it's for no reason except that I'd like to connect, and that's not normal for me so it feels weird and probably comes off inauthentic, plus it's kind of a lie because I'm only doing it because I'm horny and I'm forcing myself. Not very fertile ground for spontaneous connection. I know what I have to do. I will discuss this with the Men's group tonight.
  6. Sexual Frustration Since I decided that I can not pursue financial independence at the same time as I'm pursuing going out a lot and becoming a massive player, I feel the same sexual frustration every time I see a hot girl. The same frustration I have felt ever since my balls dropped, added with the guilt and negative self talk of "I can teach myself to break through this fear. I should just go meet a hot girl if I want to so bad. Just do it bro, why pussy out" that started when I found out about RSD and stuff. And now... I don't even know what I should do in such situations. Talk to her? Would be a huge adrenaline rush and therefore distraction, and will definitely make me late for things. I'm usually on my way something, and almost never feel like I have a half hour to spare to talk to strangers. Then again, that might be an excuse I hide behind. And what's the goal? Set a date? When? I basically am using all my free evenings to work on my project. Well that's a lie. But ideally, I am. And that's not all. I don't just want to date a hot girl (I am dating a hot girl), I want to date lots of them, and go out a lot, and have lots of friends and throw crazy parties with them, and have sex orgies with all these hot girls that I would meet... basically go full bilzerian. That's right. That's what I want. Part of it, at least. And part of me. I just don't know how to reconcile that part with my goals right now. And I kind of pity myself because ever since my dramatic social failures in school, I have dreamt of being popular and well liked by girls and all the sex that comes with that. And now I feel like I am developed enough that if I were to direct all my energy into being a full on manwhore party animal, that I could actually achieve that dream and have that experience. And now I'm not allowing myself that, because I want to work on all this grown-up stuff... Or am I using the grown up stuff as an excuse? I don't even know anymore man... Flowboy is confused.
  7. Current Morning Routine Grumpily walk to phone to shut alarm off Crawl back to bed clutching the phone like it's My Preciousss Scroll through instagram for 15 minutes. Resist urge to fap Get up again and brush my teeth. Use floss. Wearing wireless headphones, listening to some inspiring shit. Cause I need that motivation to floss. Drag self to gym Drag body through workout. Try not to stare at hawt girls Shower hopefully It's a work in progress
  8. Even though I felt tired and achy all day, I still managed to spend 3.5 hours on my project after work!
  9. Ordered Groceries Online A small step for Flowboy, yet a big step for time efficiency. It cost 8,50 to have them delivered. However, the way I see it: - I normally buy groceries for lunch in the morning before work, which can take 15-30 minutes - I then would buy groceries again after work, for dinner, which can take 30-45 minutes easily This is a dumb and inefficient process that costs me an hour a day. Planning my meals for four days ahead saved me 4 hours, if I did it correctly. Multiplying that by the hourly rate I currently earn, I already saved more in time than the cost of the groceries including delivery.
  10. Saying Goodbye To My Old Self Today I had set out to do a seemingly simple, overdue cleanup: deleting/archiving my old WhatsApp conversations. (WhatsApp is what everyone uses for texting in the Netherlands) It seemed simple enough. Yesterday I processed 635 overdue emails without a problem. But this... I encountered so many conversations that reminded me of situations and memories. I couldn't resist reading them, and I even started a bunch of "Hey how are you, we haven't spoken in 2 years but I came across you while cleaning up ha ha so how've you been" conversations. And 'a bunch' is between 5 and 10. Additionally, I found myself creating a whole bunch of new contacts for numbers I didn't have in my phone anymore, but used to have whatsapp conversations with. I just could not let go. Are these people important to me? Not really. Am I important to them? Doubtful. But I can't just not add their number anymore... What if I'm in town someday and want to hang out... It's easy throwing papers and emails away, but these contacts and conversations represent people! How the hell am I supposed to cold-heartedly throw people away?! This is where it dawned on me what the thread I was pulling was actually attached to. Facing the death of my past self. After going through a bunch of them, my 'head' is filled with memories, feelings, hopes and dreams from the past. Even old negative self talk and insecurity is coming back to say hello. I really am feeling quite melancholic and down at this point. Also a bit ungrounded, not being that sure of who I am. Even feel like smoking, because I used to feel like this a lot and use smoking to cover up that ungrounded feeling. Weirdly, that used to be a part of my identity. All this is going on while the whole city is literally vibrating from noise - the dng-tss-dng-tss-dng-tss of a loud techno festival that is going on every year. This is the first year since I knew about that festival that I'm not going. And it's weird. It used to be part of my identity that I went to festivals like that. I needed that to feel like I was living a good life, to tell myself and others that my life was fun and interesting and not boring at all (faithfully proving my 13 year old cyber bully wrong) It used to be that I got anxious if I had no one to go with. I even made a point of going by myself, to prove to myself that I could meet new people and make friends, and didn't need anyone and there was nothing wrong with me. This year, I planned to go but especially in the last months it has become clear that it just doesn't make sense for me anymore. Why put my body through half a week of no sleep, drugs, loud music at all hours and stressors of all kinds, after which I would need at least a week to recuperate, being totally out of my routine, JUST when I was getting my shit together and actually executing on what I believe to be a part of my life purpose? It just doesn't make sense for me to do that. And with that, obviously the part of me that needs to be a cool festivalperson is freaking the f*ck out. Am I suddenly a boring person? Am I pathetic? Am I seriously uncool, or lonely, or just have no one to go with? Have I given up on life? None of the above. I'm just moving to a new value system. My old value system said that having as many cool, interesting experiences as possible was important. Being at cool raves was important. Being a person in a certain scene was important. And somehow it would lead to more sex (it literally never did for me) My new value system says that focus is important. Keeping my life simple. Essentialism. Hard work. Discipline. Routine. Efficiency. Sacrificing for a greater goal. All that stuff. Where does trying to be cool doing drugs at a festival and not sleeping for 3 days fit in? Hearing the music of the rave I decided not to be at, combined with re-reading conversations with people I will never contact again, did get to me. I almost-cried a couple times on the bus. And I miss that worry-free version of myself, even though he was clueless in so many ways. His sheer desperation did make him have more adventures than I'm currently having. The way I see it, it's okay to grieve a bit for worry-free times. But those times were the fake kind of worry-free, because I was simply postponing the difficult problem of starting a business until 'later'. Later is here. I'm now in the phase where I can fight for an actually worry-free future. For real this time.
  11. @LoveandPurpose I appreciate your forgiving comment here! Sometimes seeing an ugly part of our behaviour up close can be quite jarring. I do think that by talking it through with her, this particular trigger has lost a lot of its power. But who knows. Thank you for reading!
  12. @Zigzag Idiot Yeah, that actually sounds pretty similar to my symptoms. Seems to move around both ears and makes random lymph nodes swell up. I recently had yet another episode of being pretty convinced that I was going to die soon for a few days, until I had the doctor draw my blood and reassure me. It's really kind of pathetic the sorts of compulsive thoughts I have in such moments, basically imagining saying goodbye to family at my deathbed, many times a day, and with every action I plan, wondering if it will be my last. So melodramatic... and unnecessary for a person in good health! Feels quite ungrateful, but I try to not judge it too much. I'm fine now. Thank you for sharing your related experience. On the cannabis: I have yet to find a strain that relaxes and calms me! Literally every time I use cannabis, there is an unstable/anxious/worried component to the experience, and I feel restricted in my breathing. I do manage to enjoy it despite that, sometimes.
  13. @Zigzag Idiot Again thank you for supporting me there, a little message meant a lot. I'm almost on day 80 now, and am ascribing a great deal of that success to the support of the community, offline as well as online.
  14. Just a quick status update. Before this topic got derailed into an (honestly quite depressing) hunt for character flaws in myself, I actually was on to something. I just didn't know that it would happen by itself. I find myself trusting my own judgment over anybody else's. The issue I was originally talking about was partly that I didn't feel sure enough of myself to make decisions in the face of derision and adversity. Recently, I had a good experience where all of my environment expressed their lack of confidence in my plan. I held true to my own view and pushed forward anyway, telling any non-believer to trust me, and just wait and see. And it turned out to be a good decision. I'm moving away from seeking agreement, and needing to bounce my thoughts off people regularly, and moving towards guaging what the person I'm speaking with is able to understand, what paradigm he is in, and how his experience compares to mine, and tailoring what I share to that. So I'm giving them the part they can probably relate to, and shutting up about the rest. I'm learning when to keep my mouth shut, basically. Giving up the need to be able to share any thought honestly, regardless of the level of awareness of the person in front of me. Thank you all.