Alex bAlex

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About Alex bAlex

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    Portsmouth, UK via Romania
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  1. Today... Same as yesterday. Oh well,, WORST than yesterday. Sluggish, no energy. Cut the meditation after 44 min, run only 1.8 hard miles, and had only 1min of cold shower. Plus 11 hours of sleep. Damn it!!!
  2. Powerful! Thank you for sharing. This give me a little insight to just trust myself. Also, @flowboyI'm glad to see you've had a date. It's a good step forward. And don't blame yourself for that orgams. We try to get off the porn here not to become monks :)) 😉 I have all kind of erotic thoughts since weekend but I managed to put them off
  3. Bad time management, over sleeping, very very lazy and tiered. I had to cut off the exercise to work only 1.8miles in order to accommodate the breakfast and get ready for work. Drowsy feeling those days. Hopefully from tomorrow I'll be back on track.
  4. Although the first half of the day seemed to be promising, afternoon I slack off again. First I slept only 4 hours. Clean my room. Then I went to volunteer for a charity organisation which was ok. After that I got back and decided to go to have a tarot reading but it was too busy so I'll try again tomorrow. When I got back it hit me. I have 4 hours till I have to go to work. So will I cook now and sleep later or sleep now and cook later. Well let's sleep now. And forgot about cooking. It was the worst choice I could have done. Not only that I am hungry now and I will for the next 6 hours but the sleep was very bad quality. Too warm followed by shivering from sweat. Then I wake up 3 times and I could not mobilized myself to get out of bed. At least I cleaned my room *** Dream The main theme of the last night dream was something along the line of deception and being deceived. Passport, travelling, being abandoned. Appearances: my friend (LCS), my godfather and my cousin (his son)
  5. Another lazy day. A lost day actually, I fouled myself while I was meditating. I thought only 30 min passed and I said to myself, "well, I will do two sessions of 30 min today" and I stopped. When I checked the countdown timer 7 min left !!!! AGGGGHHH!!! I've been tricked again. As always I will do another session of 30 min anyway. I didn't cook so far as I promised myself but I still have time to take care of that. I talked with my mom and I was surprised about the calmest and the mmm to say good discussions that we had. She has some sort of understanding of what is going on with the soul, astrology, parallel dimensions. Too bad that she cannot be more selective with the info intake and put more effort into self-actualization. She told me she read two books. And I was yeah. Some sort of life experience related to books. I am very happy for her and I hope I will be able to guide her in the right direction. I start to notice the "need" for distraction. Either when I am eating or just sitting in silence after a while I have to play something on youtube or Spotify. I used to dismiss any other activities while I was eating and pay attention to the food and be grateful, even giving thanks before eating and have a moment of silence. Not anymore for a while. hmmm... It takes just a moment to lose it all. Sometimes I feel like a vegetable. Not full of life but just sitting...and wait to rot and decay. I get more tempted to sneak peek at porn. Just for a moment, that's all it takes to fall back into the trap. Well, I will live this in a positive mood. My day just started
  6. My coming off of first mushroom trip on this tune was a great experience.
  7. This guy knows his stuff :))
  8. A good morning start today. A bit different from the other weekends. So I got back home from work at 6:50 AM, had a shower and pop up modafinil. Had a double meal and then I got ready for the ParkRun(5 km group run). I got to the starting place and being there for the first time I asked a lady about the procedure. She was sweet and we start to chat for a little bit. Deep blue eyes...mmm nice Fit ... mmm nicer :)) But I missed few points. Although the signs showed an interest of her in me, I avoid eye contact and act a bit cold. The run was great, I got a new personal best of 20;17. But then I just shoed off. The intuition was telling me to wait for her to cross the finish line and chat a little more ( she was by her own ). But I was chicken. Why did I leave? don't know. I can come up with lots of reasoning. The idea is that I ran away. From me. I beat myself to death to reach the financial goal statement made at the beginning of the year that any action is penny calculated. (--horse shit-- I splurge myself all the week on sweets bought from service stations where the price are 3X higher--but hey I need to get myself clean out of the situation--) And the film and media industry doesn't help by portraying a romance with fine dining, cocktail bars and large rose petals bed. I always felt that if I don't have certain things, no matter how trivial, I cannot bring a girl home. (Maybe this is a good thing that leads to picking high-quality moments with high developed partners ) Remember the No.1 Rule to Ace in Life? Do whatever is emotionally challenging. You didn't have to take her to date then and there. But to communicate and extend your social circle. Maybe have a new friend. Maybe she has a bunch of cool friends. You are very deep-rooted in your head and don't allow yourself to live the moment. Always planning and expecting (the worst). Anyhow, I find a good reason to go running on Saturday morning. I can meet lots of the same wavelengths, passions and hobbies. After that, I went shopping and I manage to stay pretty close to the budget. It's a huge difference between what you can buy with the same amount of money from a grocery store rather than from the convenience store across the road. Followed up by three hours of very deep and relaxing sleep. Then a nice deep meditation. The concentration practice was far better today. Overall I prove myself the power of planning ( for the day and have a shopping list-which you respect it ). It was a great week in regards to the new insights and information. I still haven't watch Leo's part two of "What is God". And Joe Rogan is a bit pesky sometimes. Maybe that is what it takes to have a podcast but I think he got track because of the high-quality guests(which I like). Otherwise, I don't enjoy listening to him too much. ***Just now*** And Yes. I picked up the phone and say no to an invitation from my friend ( that girl I lived with and appear in my dreams). She and her boyfriend have such an angelic approach but after 30 min you start to check the watch and the door. In the past, I just refused to pick up the phone. But it's not so hard to say No. If they don't understand their problem. I move forward and choose to spend my time wisely.
  9. @Zigzag IdiotThank you. This week was a "WOW" finding out about human civilization, Gobekli Tepe, The Great Sphinx water erosions, Pyramids and lots of new ideas which I cannot make sense yet. Fascinating indeed.
  10. @SpaceCowboyYou're the self-actualized one here Well done!
  11. Great! I managed to skip a day in my journal. Still only 17 min past midnight. Aghhh. I feel an increase in the sleep quality in the past week. Don't know if I have to attribute it to the fact that I was very tired or the working site next to my house is not so noisy anymore. Interesting that I hear nothing while the cleaner was doing its chores around the house. On the other hand I feel like I want to throw the towel. I don't want to complete my meditation sessions (usually after 50 min mark) and I don't want to run (I do it's just taking a lot more negotiation). I got hooked again on gas station shopping which I was pretty sure I was done with. Now when I start my work shift, one of my first thought is "doughnuts, chocolate, bounty or flapjacks". The level of awareness seems to go down the drain. And to resist temptations is excruciating. I thought I was done with this chapter but... Not so easy. I know what I am missing--the motivation. So far I am where I am due to most of the negative motivation rather than positive one. I had the chance to leave with all kinds of shady people and I see what I did not want in my life. That shaped my habits on a positive way. But now I have none. No positive, nor negative motivation. I'm looking inside myself but all my dreams looks so far away and most of them are no more than wishful thinking. And the time passes at a high speed rate. I am looking to learn about human evolution and Egyptology when I should focus on economics and money related topics. Sure is good to have a general knowledge of history and to have few cards to play in a discussion but is this what I need at the moment? I don't know even what economic or business related books to read. I listened a lot of them and read Seth Godin list but I am not at that level of business related topics. I have no idea or niche to focus on. Alas to talk about buget. I made a good progress in that area but I miss some of future spendings and that will bring me back down a little bit. Well look back only a month ago and checkout yourself. You have 10x more in your savings, 60 min of Meditation plus 10 of concentration, 46 days of daily exercise and cold showers and journaling(2 missing), reading and unwind of porn. Didn't you noticed the awareness of your thoughts? Yeah you take some bad decisions here and there but you are aware of them! All you have to do is to work on correcting them. And another very important aspect is the quality of your dreams. In the past months how many dreams had you written down? And the vividness and clarity of them. Still feeling like there is no progress? Sure you may feel stuck because you miss a comparison frame. Just go back to visit your old friends and you'll find after 20 minutes your paradigm and knowledge is easy dismissed /laugh at and that you want to go away as fast as you can. The question is how to fill that emotional hole that is in me. In the end that's why I end up splurging on unhealthy foods and spending money of unwanted stuff. It the same reason I am thinking of going back to my to my old folks even that I know I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore. Because of emotional emptiness. I'm looking for validation. I'm craving it. And then I remember that I have nothing of value to show off. That throws me back and makes me sad. Then I want to splurge on sweets again. This vicious circle 😶. Anyhow, long post. I hope to mobilise myself this weekend and keep the head up ☺ Edit: just reading Shadow Work and find this line that resonates with the above writing:"... we humans want contact more than anything else, even more than happiness,..." *** Dream I am seeing my friend (girl) and she appears in lots of scenarios. Some of them are a bit sexualy but most of them are not. We are chatting a lot but I cannot reckon too much. I guess the erotic scenes are due to no fap. Maybe. But I am not attracted to her and I don't see myself having a relationship with her. Still in my dreams we both look very happy with each other.