Alex bAlex

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About Alex bAlex

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    Portsmouth, UK ® Romania
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  1. Another observation tells me that I am visualising my path wrong. See, I am thinking that I will, take care of A, then go to B then C, like in a linear model. WRONG. So if I start the week looking into fitness and lifestyle, then I moved to business and finances and now I am interested in spirituality. Is this normal? Probably. What I am wonder is that if I am jumping too soon from one field to another. Should I focus 3-4 months on A then on B and another 4 on C. Same shit.. when you will focus for 4 months on C you will go crazy that you are not able to take care of A and B. HA HA HA :)) Get present in the moment. Everything else is an illusion. And all the pain you are going through now is pointing you towards something .... WAKE UP!
  2. -In the end you have got all the tools and hints about how to make it. What stops you? -You need to come up with a plan Alex! - Yeah, like it's the first time when I come up with a plan, schedule, goals, only to forget all about a couple of days/weeks later. -You are hold back by your limiting beliefs! -How to change them then? aggggghhhhh.... just chanting "I am the greatest, best, macho, blah blah blah..." feels empty. Why? Because reality shows me something else. -Re-listen to all the teachings. -Right, like I have all the time in the world. Nowadays, all my youtube content (except live vids), news briefings and audiobooks are played at least 2x speed. It's weird when you listen to something at normal speed. Also if it's on normal speed, I feel like I am wasting time. I am in a constant FEAR OF MISSING OUT ON TIME, that I did not achieve anything concrete and that the time will be over soon and I am fucked up. That the circumstances will be going to change for worst and not for better and I will be trapped in a life of pain. Why- because of my parents- they are getting older and expecting a lot from me- which I haven't delivered so far- and soon enough I will have to be traped with them and take care of them without me having the basics sorted out. THAT IS MY NIGHTMARE. -Other people expectations! - Not other people expectations, my parents expectations , whom I disappointed all my life. What should I do? Just abandon them, change my phone number and change my address? I would like too. But this is just devil selfish reasons to not work, and take care only of myself. -So what's the solution then? - Realise that I have no control, that there is no "I", that the universe will take care of itself (which includes me ), to get in touch more with my feelings, to not despair and drop the FOMO, and learn patience, cultivate love, spread love and accept love. (sometimes those words move me and sometimes are just empty sounds). -Great, now take action!
  3. Well, I am imagining that you might gave some false hope to this guy and now he's hurt and crawl back into his bed. Guys tend to imagine a lifetime with the other conversation partner, especially if he had some hope of you seeing eachother. For guys this happens very fast whereas girls tend to take more time to make sure that this guy is the right one. Now probably he is just dealing with some hard feelings and not too much emotional awareness. Hope this helps 😁 Edit- you did nothing wrong. The ball is in his court 😏
  4. Well, I have been well for a while, full of hope and, that's it. Going down again. I feel incongruous (maybe) allways imaging me various scenarios that looks so unattainable (at least at the moment) And all this media stuff that shows you how to use the internet to become wealthy, gets me more depressed. The force that drives me to start new projects, cripples me very soon, allways hitting the wall. Maybe that's not my destination, maybe I am supposed to suck it all my life. Otherwise I don't see why I am constantly getting worse and worse no matter what type of books I read or podcast I listened or videos watched. I'm going nowhere but down instead of up. In the past three years, I managed my nutrition, nicotine/coke/alcohol craving down to 0, install a daily meditation and exercise practice, quit mass media, read and listening to "useful programs". And with a this healthy lifestyle all I have done is to ruin my life living like a pariah, in solitude. No outside experience and whenever it happens to have them, well it's like a baby in a candy shop, loosing all the frame. And when you are telling people around you what know, learned or simply regurgitate information, a of them are "wow, you're such a cool/smart/awesome guy" -> And my inside is like a mill grinding rocks <- I want to smack them when I see myself that I am dying in my own shit and they have no clue. **** And why the fuck I keep writing in this journal? And why are you reading a bunch of crap? It doesn't help you to improve, It's not inspirational. No matter how many times I am telling to myself that I am successful, I am great, I will achieve financial freedom, in the end are just lies and deceptions. The reality shows me something different each morning. There are people who are lucky. I've been left outside of the circle. I was and probably always be a cog in the machine. I'm not even the machine, but just a useless piece ready to be replaced at any time. "Be a leader" - good luck with that. Having 20 years of indoctrination of how to follow the rules and stay on your track seems impossible to change. It's deep rooted dude. I was and will be a pesant. That's where I come from, that's where I go, no doubt. ... **** The same energy that is pushing me forward and gives me hope and imagine a bright future, the same fucking energy is holding me back. I feel it's battle within me. What should I do? Just meditate for 10 hours? Go and grinding with the sheer will power like mad Max. Sure in 2 days I will deplete all the will power and get back to square one. "Believe and you can achieve" - no kidding, got golden medal and still nothing concrete. Should I become a scammer? Seem doable 😁 *** Anyway guys, just more crying and no action. Cius 🙏
  5. Good morning. Only 3 hours of interrupted sleep last night but still up at 4 am. I turn off the alarm and told myself that I will sleep one more hour. But I couldn't. I couldn't fall back asleep, so after two minutes I jumped out of bed and I don't regret it. I think that setting the intention to wake up at a certain hour before you go to sleep and visualise it helps a lot to wake up at the desired time. Regarding the affiliate marketing and go on digital marketing, well, the same problem that I had 2 years ago with dropshipping -NICHE. How to find your niche? something that you are passionate about you have knowledge about it has good profit margins solve a problem or come up with a solution. So what am I passionate about? .......................................crickets ................................ Meditation, exercise, music... Yes I could go on music, but..... I like to listen to music. Sure I am working on my DJ project but what can I create out of this? Helping people to listen to music? Nonesense! Anyway, exercise- doable. And yes it's me and another billion people writing about exercise, and loosing weight (I am interested in gaining weight and build muscle). I could create something along the lines of how to build muscle for skinny guys. - I will have to ponder upon this subject a bit. Meditation - well, teach people how to sit still and breath? I am in doubt that this will work, but I might do some more research to check the market.... Personal development - please facepalm yourself, this market is full of a lot of crap and you haven't done any course or have a qualification to talk about personal development. The personal development that you are doing, it's more a joke. You are stuck at the basic level for 3 years now! That says a lot! ***Notice the negativity and doubt that I am full of it *** Well, I'm going to do more research bye ***oh, you think that you will start a digital marketing business in the next month- ha ha ha - moths dude, maybe years. So keep educating yourself and don't give up ***
  6. It is because first of my top ten values is Health. So of course I am analysing everything that helps me or not to keep myself in a healthy condition. Even the content I am consuming can damage my health by giving me toxic messages, thus leading to bad decisions. . . . By keeping a daily exercise routine I am increasing my chances to stay healthy. Just realising the power of values and how they shape your decisions. 😁
  7. Quick insight "hunting" for happiness is shortsighted. Nothing wrong with being happy, but doesn't last. What you want is to be fulfilled. In order to be fulfilled you have to be aligned with your values.
  8. Ok, so I have to pay more attention and not waste the productive hours which usually (but not necessary ) are in the morning (or after a nap ). Also, I see that I beat myself up over the small stuff (like having a CocaCola) and being easy over the hard stuff (learning new skills, build a site, build a product). I am tricking myself, telling that I will learn something by abstaining from drinking Coke. Of course, it's not good for me, but it will not kill me to drink once a year a litre of Coke. Gosh. Meanwhile, I am rambling about this situation here, instead of taking action and learn how to build an affiliate marketing site. #clapclap #youareagenius
  9. Thanks for this 🙏
  10. Also, no Bond movie but reading about Saudi Aramco. Why? ... Why not 🤯? And I didn't decide anything. It is just a chain of reaction. Regarding the Bond movies, I want to build charisma and see how he acts in movies. I'm not a Bond fan and I probably have seen one or two movies. Saudi Aramco because back in December I heard a lots about this company and its stuck in my mind and I have to see why. 😀
  11. I was planning to write nothing for a week but I cannot hold it. I have to put my thoughts and frustration down in this journal. So, I .... I don't know. I think that's it- I just don't know. The most I want in life is to know, to be sure, to have control, to be in charge. Well, the quickest I realise that I have no control, the better. For some reason, I went back to "The Psychology of Man Possible Evolution by Ourspersky". For some reason? Accidentally? I have to read that book again. I just went through the first 20 pages and it just shakes the ego again. I rewatched "Free will vs Determinism by Leo" and again. It is very difficult for the ego to accept it and go with it. I fell that at a rational, logic level, the mind says "ok, I understand, I have no control", but it doesn't go deep down to the core. It's just surface fact acceptance. It's that battle that says, "Ok, if I have no free will and all it's just a reaction, why bother? And how will I listen to the intuition then?" At this moment I have next to me a bottle of 1 litre of CocaCola. I haven't done this for a looooong period of time (last time I bought 6 pack of coke was in December (?) and before that --- years ). So did this came from intuition? I was just sitting at home and decide to watch some James Bond movies. Then I said, "well, I have to have something aside to watch the movie, so let's shop for crap". Still, no movie yet, but some Coke and nuts and oat cookies. Got a job yesterday. Delivery driver for Amazon. I haven't work anything for one week now. Still, I have to wait for the criminal record checks to come back before I start working, which might take between one day and two weeks. It will be a very tough month/months but I am glad that I got something on the line. And I am glad I passed the drug test yesterday. I was a bit chicken when they told me to piss in a cup. I was thinking that I screw it. But nothing is at my control. However, I might have opportunities to be promoted in the next 5 to 8 months. A long time if you ask me. I came up with a new plan. Save money and apply for British citizenship as soon as possible, (there are a couple of tests and a fee of £1320. Then join aviation forces and apply for an apprenticeship within the forces for business and administration. Stay there for 5 years and learn as much as you can, read, read, and read. Get out and start to work towards your own business, give it another 10 years- boom!. Yes- I know, it's the shitties plan, but I cannot find anything better at the moment. I had 7 days of doing nothing- absolutely nothing. And I couldn't even finish reading a book. All I have done is exercise and train a bit on the DJ deck, pop MDMA and that's it. Crippled in bed. Even today, I woke up at 4 am, I meditate, went out and done the exercises, had breakfast, shower and then went to bed (only for 2 hours I said) and got out of bed after 12:30 pm. I am ashamed and scared. Without a daily goal/ work, to move forward, I am dead. I read, Sombra's tips of how to get started that online thing, and I was "ok, I can do that" and that was it. Just thoughts. WHY THE FUCK I CANNOT FIND THE MOTIVATION TO MOVE FORWARD? This is life's plan for me? To show me all I am capable of and then keep me in shit, pain and misery? Two days ago I start to cry while I was in bed, watching daily news briefings. I was trying to locate the source that made me cry and I was confused. Was I crying because of the collective pain that the world is going through? I was crying because of sympathy or because I realised how lucky I am to have shelter and food and health. Or it was because of neediness, of not having enough. I mess it up with the Instagram account. Not like I have done something wrong but I hit the wall. I am not specific enough. I have to create a product or website that I want to promote and keep pushing that in my short videos, not talking about charisma and confidence and introspection. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU PASSING THIS STATE of - ok be contempt and grateful with what you have AND work and strive for more? WHERE THE F IS THAT BORDER? Is there any border or just imaginary lines? Who needs definitions and limitations Alex? -EGO- I feel I am going crazy guys. Really, I don't know if it is because I am stuck indoors or because I am just a lazy bastard, but I feel I cannot hold it anymore. Even when I am writing those lines I have that feeling in my chest of almost crying but I am unable to express it. Is this the 12 years old of mine of whom Sombra was mentioned in his journal? How do I get over this 12 years old? How do I grow it up? I feel like I am heading nowhere and all my life is dumb and over. (Also, I start to curse and use more F words, denoting lack of self-awareness and control. Maybe it was the MDMA who took me off the track for a while when I start to relax and get relaxed too much. ) Also @Sombra What is a high achiever working routine? And I am not referring here to the daily/weekly schedule, which you post it on your blog, but in regards to breaks- are you working 7 days a weak for 3 or 4 months and then take 1 month off- for example- or are you working only 5-6 days a week and have 2-1 days for yourself? Is it sustainable to work every single day? Personally I couldn't pass more than 14 days of continuous working. I am guessing this depends on the industry and the number of hours put in.? Analysing my actions, I can see that so far I have a pull of taking care of my body (if I only have the thought of missing a day of not do some minimum amount of exercise is making me sad) and analysing what I am putting in my body and what I consume (not only orally but visually, aurally ). So maybe I should focus on nutrition and fitness. Or maybe I am just schizo!
  12. The main point of all this work is to check how I am feeling. That's why I search for distraction, that's why I look for an escape. Why would I look to be alone first of all? just because it's easier? - no obligations, no responsibilities? that's your shallow reason? Or is because you want to discover yourself. Got some amnesia, aren't you? Sure, you have huge amnesia because you cannot remember that you are God and create yourself and everything that surrounds you, but I am talking now about the start of your journey. You forgot why you have meditation habit in place first of all - is to keep you calm and confident in a weird situation. Sure this can come second hand. But FIRST AND FOREMOST, the reason that you start this journey is yo discover yourself. How? By getting in touch with your feelings and the energy that surrounds you. You have to know how you feel!!! I have to print this and add it to my holon/dream board
  13. Oh, I almost forgot about this nugget of wisdom Enjoy: What’s considered to be true is fought over. Individuals search for truth but groups search for consensus—and society is the largest group. So the biggest problem we run into is this: What society wants for you is not always what’s good for you. Even smart people go along with society’s lies Even smart, critical thinkers go along with many of society’s truths, knowing deep down they are lies. Here’s a simple example: “Money won’t make you happy” is a social truth, but it’s not an individual truth. Look at all the individuals trying to make money. They know money can remove a lot of sources of unhappiness and get them to a point where happiness is under their control. It becomes their choice, as opposed to being inflicted upon them by external forces. That is just one of many lies society tells you. Another one of society’s lies is that you send your kids to school for education. In fact, they get an hour of education a day and indoctrination the rest of the time. They’re taught at the speed of the slowest student, and they’re mostly taught subjects that are irrelevant or obsolete. School is a combination of a bit of education, large doses of socialization and compliance training, and a massive dose of babysitting—which is helpful for parents who can’t take care of their kids at home. It also keeps young troublemakers off the street. School does a lot of things, but education is just a tiny piece of it. Homeschooling stats clearly show this, and even unschooling stats are starting to show it. Guilt is society training you to be your own warden Society does not just lie to you. It programs you to beat yourself up when you transgress one of its truths. Guilt is society programming you so effectively that you become your own warden. Guilt is society’s voice speaking in your head. Truth-seeking is a hard business. You essentially have to understand, with deep conviction, things that you’ve been programmed to misunderstand.