Alex bAlex

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About Alex bAlex

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    Portsmouth, UK ® Romania
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  1. NO EXCUSES The exercise mentioned at the bottom of this post made me ponder a little bit. What excuses do I use on a daily basis to avoid hard work? However, probably the most important question is - what do I work on? Now my mind jumps straight up and wants to come up with the things that I am working on, but let's be frank here - all the things I am working on at the moment are SHALLOW. So what? I puke myself working out ( actually happened yesterday - just gastric reflux straight on my phone display - yuk)- pfff come on, working out its part of daily life, it's no more a choice, you are doing this for a while and good for you but what's next? Eating healthy - well I guess I reached the top of food healthiness 18-20 months ago, these days Mc and KFC still find it's placed in my belly sometimes. But I don't go for red meat - stick with chicken and vegetables as much as I can. So more work on this side - SURE - not only cooking the food but actually eat the food I cook and not just let it in the fridge till it goes over the term and has to throw it away. Waking up early - well I keep blabbing about waking up and I have the alarm set up for every day at 4 am and still - why should I wake up so early for? (see the large picture is missing here - keep digging) Oh, how could I forget - Fake Tits and Property X staring Lissa Ann :)) - It's a fucking dream killer - if you have any intention to work on your dream life, be sure that porn will destroy you. Why I keep relapsing? Because I feel insecure, I feel ungrounded and unable to flirt in order to attract a partner. Moreover, I feel like it's too much of a work to put in in order to have sex. Another excuse is that I have to build up myself more -FUCKING LOOSEEEERRR - I am telling myself that story about building up since I was 16. What the fuck to build- I have access to a decent car, a decent house with a very cushy mattress, a bag of condoms and a big dick - what the fuck I am missing. A bottle of wine? - order a fucking box. Maybe it's money - yeah another looser excuse, like if you have the money you go out and you show the wallet to the best girl you can attract and she will be all over your dick. - dickhead. So one side I see all the fakeness and the game that the world is playing around me and the same game I have to get in and play it too -but it's much easier to watch instead of playing isn't it? Ok, I understand you choose to spend your time now working on you little musical project - but you know what will happen? Let's say at this pace you become good, pretty good in 12 to 18 months and then what? Do you think you will just send your CV to a nightclub and they will take you in - hahaha - are you serious? - dude, you have to build your social life, social proof, go out, make yourself visible and connect with people. And when people are asking you to go out don't say - well, you know, I have to wake up at 4 am!!! Right - another aspect that fucks me off for a while - and I cannot puzzle it in- ---->>> ->>> Let's say I develop a social circle and I get invited to parties and afterparties and people are dancing, drinking, snorting,.... See the last two pieces I cannot bring them in. I don't snort or drink alcohol so, although I feel ok, confident and relaxed, the others will not be feeling the same. The only thing that I am comfortable doing is some XTC but even that, I am not so keen on. SO CAN YOU BE A DJ WITHOUT DRUGS? Ok, so do you really want that 10/10 ass? Do you really want that glass office on the 52nd floors? Do you really want that rooftop party where you play the coolest music? Do you really want to travel the world? Do you really want to be successful? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A DIRECTOR/BUSINESS OWNER? If you answered YES - what stops you? If you answer no - xnxx.com is waiting for you do it, come on, it's just a click away of feeling good ... Oh, so you're still here. I guess you answered YES! THEN JUST GO AND FUCKING DO IT! But how- where do I start? House, car, outfit, health - checked! Resource$$$ - mmm semi-checked!!! So it's the resources again - here I stumble all the time - resource management -that is what I need. - no, it's an ego trap again - you don't have to pay for luxury hotels and $200 bottles of champagne - that is what media brainwashed you to believe that is the process to have a good time. So again where do I start - Well as Sombra mentioned is the post TAKE MORE RESPONSIBILITIES. It's ok, you do some Toastmaster, jam on the bread sort of thing, but you want the cake, aren't you? How to get the cake- what responsibilities I can take on? I will end it up here now as I am just running into rabbit holes but thank you @Sombrafor this exercise. Everything around you, that you call life, was made up by people no smarter than you ...
  2. ICE BATH I'm out, washing the car, buy some green tea and the draught in the air is asking me to do something cool -like an ice bath. Gosh, I have been waiting for this moment for years but I have been chicken. So I went to the shop and bought 5 bags of ice (5 kg). On the way back I kept thinking if I really want to do this. But I cast that aside and leave the doubts at the door. Filled the tub with cold water and after I added the 5 bags of ice, I realise that it might not be enough. But here I was ready to take the plunge. And so I did. It felt a bit painful in the beginning but nothing as bad as I was imagining. After 1-2 minutes I was accustomed to the water temperature. The difficult part I can say was submerging my chest and the back of my neck where I felt most of the pain. Not like inside my chest but on the surface of my skin, sort of lot of needles stinging you. Overall it felt like a great full body massage. I feel so relaxed and awake now. Time to work ... edit note : Next time I have to add at least 20 bags of ice....
  3. Just a simple question - What Is That? 😗 Sounds wicked 😜
  4. Thanks for support
  5. Hmm, it took me a while to think about the best compliment I ever received. Usually, I get them for being punctual, having a clean car, play good music, set a good atmosphere or just an excellent service. In the case of daily compliments, I am a sceptic sometimes as I think some people are doing it more out of politeness than being true. However, I remembered one that sticks with me and that was " Alex, today you just raised the bar of those meetings" or something similar, when last year I hosted a meetup group themed " How to live the good life", where I brought to the table topics and questions learned from all my self-development journey. It was a great stepping stone for me and good lessons and questions to answer for the public.
  6. EDUCATION So here we are with a bonus post on education, books, papers, etc. Finnaly I had finished with The Self -Made Billionaire Effect and Dropping Ashes on the Buddha. Two very interesting books that opened my mind and made me understanding a bit more about the concept of business and enlighment. Plus a more visual book called Electronic where you can see the evolution of electronic music form the first syntetiser to complex artwork album covers or light effects. Although it might be a good book, The Self- Made Billionaire Effect told me pretty quick and straight forward that I will not be in that class in this life time. All those billionaires came from wealthy backgrounds where the survival aspect was taken care off, and not posing a threat in developing ideas, travel and make connections. Nothing discouraging about the book itself, glad to lear about Performer - Producers dynamics when comes down to run a business. So the end points - 1 you need money 2 you need a partner - PERIOD. On audible I have relistend to 3% Man for at least 4 times and another 4 times for Never Split the Difference. Never split the difference it's a must and I have to listen to it at least 10 times more. And also I have to give thanks to @Sombra for taking the time and highlighting books key points. And I have gone through 1/3 of Susanne Cook-Greuter research page on ego development theory. Now I have more books lying around me, like Pitch Anything by Oren Klaff The Red Book a reader's edition By C. G. Jung Dressing the Man Allan Flusser (35% in and having it around for more than a year - must to finish it soon) Who Dares Sales - by Patrick fuck knows - not really keen on that book. and on Audible getting ready to be listen and relisten are in cue the followings Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In also in kindle The Black Swan, Second Edition: The Impact of the Highly Improbable: With a new section: "On Robustness and Fragility": Incerto, Book 2 - I have to check if there are two parts - I bought this as I tought that is the second edition with a new chapter added. So plenty to do, now let's do it!!!!
  7. Citizenship Took the time the other day and went through all the bit's and pieces that have to be completed on that site. I have been asked when I was ot of the country, so if you are thinking about applying for such a thing, is better to jot down somewhere when you went out and come back into the country you applying for your cittezens ship. I might have missed one date as it was work related and I cannot remember it exactly. Even the dates, I just gave some approximations. They have me in their data base anyway, it;s just to see if I am to be trusted or not. So, we got to the almost final part of this process, less 2 references, one of which will be done on Saturday and the other one I have to ask for next week and see how things are going on form there. I am confident that the guy will help me, less he had been in some trouble with the police, otherwise, I don't see why he should reduce me. However those references are checked, apparently, only if they suspect me of wrong doing or so, which I have been lucky so far to not get into troubles. And the next step - £1438 to pay - GOOD LUCK !
  8. Workouts Almost by the end of the training program and I am crushing it in the Hell Week. In the hell week, you train 7 days (instead of 5) trying to beat your personal bests. Some of them have done it by 1 second, others by 3 minutes and 28 seconds. Any way you put it, it's a win. The only thing that I have to admit, I was too ambitious about, where the pull-ups. There is a training session where you have to do 20 pull-ups then 20 push-ups (chest fat on the ground and hands hoovering before pushing yourself up - much difficult than the fist pushups) and scaling down by 5. I can do 7, maybe 10 pull-ups, but after that, I have to take breaks and only by helping myself up (stepping on a backside bar or using the wall ) I can reach my head over the bar. Still, I adapt myself and when I reach my chin above the bar, I let myself down in a slow and controlled manner, this way still working out the muscle. And the results are there. The abs are visible and the rest of my body is covered in a nice layer of lean muscles. Moreover, it becomes a bit difficult to pull my jeans on as my thigh grew. I had two moments of giving up but even when I was dying on the working mat, I kept moving bit by bit and it's worth it. Next Friday will be the last session, and probably I will have to scale down a bit and focus on other aspects of my life lie FINANCES. All in all - confidence and self-image got a massive boost out of this workout programme.
  9. Finances + Family Well, it's half of Septemebr and I am not closed of my goal of paying one of my credit card by the end of the month. I have done 25% so far but there were a couple of spending that set me back like Nootropics, growing kits, socks, and Family support - yeah I had to do it. However, I have a month of renting saved in cash- now I have to triple that and call it emergency fund. Although I haven't contribute much on paying my card, I still made some small payments and directed my money towards savings. Yes, I had a week or more of not cooking and eating takeaway which take money out of my pocket very quick but I managed to sort myself out in the ed and spend time cooking. And my father finally got his pension decision- yeey- they have been waiting for that for a long time - yeey - fuck - they will have no income for the next 2 months- guess who have to contribute to their household. I am thinking of shooting myself some nails in my balls - it's deffo not so fucking painfull that having a convo with your parents and just wanting to trow the phone away because you are a fucking shmuch who fucked with his money and now cannot help your family. How the fuck do I get out of this shit? How do I pay the debt, send money to my parents, learn new skills, go on dates when I am fucking suckign up on life ? AASJfkhajf haflhahf dalfdhl fkljd;sf lhksd f;lhsd f;lhsd fhsd fsdh f;ws When I started working as a private hire driver last year and rent the car I thought I would be out by the end of the spring. Now here I am, after more that one year I still pay almost £300/week for a car that cost £15000. Don't get me wrong I love this car, and the fact that if I have a problem I just give a call and it's all sorted out. But if you do a simple math, by now I had payied the fucking car, which if I was smart, could have bought my own car and pay 300 or 400 (includes insurance and maitance) pe MONTH not per WEEK. But I am just a fucking shmuch which have to go through the pain of shame and misfortune to live at 30 fucking years in a 3x3 meters room. At 30 years in one fucking room - nice Alex - you are thinking about relationships and starting your own business ... chill out dude - you are fucked up. What you gonna do from here now? Living in this fucking room, playing music, and writing here while masturbating like a donkey. Sorry guys- I just reach a point where I cannot see how the hack to get out- Talking with my family is a hindrance, Before Sunday everythng was upbeat for me and I was cheerfull but then when I had a skype call everything crusshed - I don't want to see or hear them. I feel their pain and I cannot do anything at the moment, or at least I don't know what to do. In the current situation it will take me about 2 to 3 years to work as a rat driving a cab only to pay rent, debt and send money home. And there will always be the need of money home. Plus they are getting sick and mom keep mention cancer cancer cancer - "It's ALL IN YOUR HEAD " as Dan Pena said to his mother the day before she died - ha ha . Done with this rant
  10. Psychedelics It's 2020 and it's brexit time - yeeye - FUCK OFF - I cannot order my growing kit anymore because of new law enforcement :(( But I can order everything I need to make my own growing kit - LOOL So I have done just that- order everything I need to make my own growing kit - or that I thought. In reality I ordered a bunch of useless bags and spend money of shit that I don't know if I will going to use. Anyhow, I had to spend a day watching and reading about all kinds of things of how to grow your stuff to realise that all the process is much simpler if you put in some time to study this stuff. Now I have everything I need in front of me, except time. I had the bits laying around for more than a week now and still not able to inoculate and sort them out in place. Maybe tonight after I finish with those posts. So why I am so keen on psychedelics when I have nootropics? Well, nootropics feels more like a big cups of coffee, the more you have, the more alert but if the body has to sleep, you can only poison yourself - you will still shutdown. It comes in big waves when you are on the peak and then you start to slide off. If you slide off and pump in more nootropics, you might get a small up trending wave but the crash is inevitable. Microdosig psychedelics feels more smooth and like you are on a constant wave, no abrupt crashing or anything like that. It's mellow and high awake in the same time. I'm not really for a big trip here, not anymore - till I will not be in an very isolated safe place to pop in more than 5 grams of dried mush, I don't think so.
  11. Nootropics I got my hads on Alpha GPC and Uridrine. In my first trial I start with 2 pills of Alpha GPC (300 mg each), and after one hour and a half (nothing happened) I popped one pill of Uridrine. After 10 min - boom. I had start to clean my room, do the washing, finishing sorting out songs, get the shirts ready for laudary. I was like a rabbit running around. The effect lasted for about 3-4 hours, when I took another pill of Alpha GPC and half of Modafininl (200 mg). Then I went to work. All good, nice chatty but with some side effects. I got a pretty bad stomach pain, and I could not identify yet if it's from Alpha GPCor Uridrine. Because I tend to become over focused, the main actions, like driving and reading maps, are sent to the autopilot (subconscious mind -? ) and I am actively noticing other elements around me like my breath or nice trees, or people. Don't get me wrong, the driving focus is still there but sometimes I confused numbers and waiting for customers at 71 instead of 77 or going to Tesco Extra X instead of Tesco Express Y. Even stopped at the green light and had other drivers sounding their horns - but it was 1 am. Going for different combinations in order to be able to put more than 12 hours shifts, are sending my body in a state of tremble and shaking while sleeping. I wake up after 4-6 hours (sometime fresh and ready) with my body feeling in the brink of locking up all it's muscles and send me into spam jerk reaction ( lack of better word) - sort of waking up shivering after you have a bad flu. I have to dose down and not abuse those as, I can feel how it affect my brain chemistry and influence my sleeping patterns. I am still waiting for a batch of Sulbutamine and see how it's going on with that. My daily stash includes: Omega 3 Fish Oil 1000mg x3 Gingko Biloba 120mg x1 B-complex plus Vit C x2 5-htp 50 mg x1 Vegan Multivitamin and minerals x1 PLUS L-theanine 400 mg,(x1) Modafininl 200 mg (x1/4 or 1/2), Armodafinil 150 (x1/2), Alpha GPC 300 mg (x1) Uridrine (x1) - When I need an extra boost. I won't be nuts to take all the last row mentions at once but a combination of them over 2-3 days depends how much work do I have to put in. edit: When I was on Modafinil or Armodafinil (let's say one full pill) and I was talking and having a good time with some customers, I got my body in a weird reactive state of uncontrolled tremor. It was an uncontrolled shaking and start to fumble my words. It felt like more like an emotional reaction trying to bubble out.
  12. Skill Progression In terms of skill progession there has been a great amount of gain but also needing more time to polish my work. DJing First, I finished to convert and read the musical key in camelot system for all 900 songs and sort them in folders. Now for all those songs I have to go individually and map them with cue points, which are telling me when to bring in my new song or when to mix out my current song. It is a lot of hassle and time consuming. I have managed to do about 70 or 90 of them so far. Yeah, it is tierying but man, I had a couple of days of playing with my newly mapped songs and, I just forgot about time and that I had to go to work, It makes it so much easier and it start to feel like play literally. Obvious, there is a lot more to learn especially beatmatching, which what I read on some comments on internet it might take me between 6 months to one year to really master beatmacthing by ear. Still, it's weird because when you introduce certain songs and want to swap the basses on the drop of the new song, there is a period of building up, usually without bass. In this instance you have not many options but to rely on visuals to align your bars and beatmatch - or it's just my newbie stugguling to understand how it's done. We shall see in a couple of months. More to learn on phrasing on some weird songs when you got the impression that the phrase is ended but the there is some kick backing up straight away and continue the flow of sound. Eh.... practice practice practice. So far I missed one day of practice but overall, I managed to put 20-30 minutes every day. I should do more... in time .... patience... It's a building up process - don't burn yourself. Communication I have noticed something, which deep down I knew it long time ago but I had been ignorant about. The way I approach first or maybe first 2-3 customers is setting the tone and pace of the day. If I am opening them up and FORCE MYSELF TO TALK, I am chatty pretty much with every other customer, unless, I feel that the customer is very closed and just need to be dropped off. In the past 8-10 months I started to close myself down and I ignored this aspect of communication, thinking "well, if they want to talk they will talk and I will answer". That is a looser mentality - I have to be PROACTIVE HERE. I have to open myself up more. And in the past two weeks, I had great chatts and time with some people which made me happy and made their day. - Well done - keep going. I have to include my Tostamster group here as it is part of communication development programme. So I will have 3 attendance, booked so far. One is as a toastmaster - basically the MC of the show, another I got the role of warming up the audience with "Tell me in 15 seconds about X " and the last one is my speech, which I had not rewrite or rehearsed yet. So this is has to move up in the goals ladder.
  13. Alright alright, the day has come when I get the fucking time I need to post anything that happened to me and for me in the past two or so weeks. Starting with Meditation Keep sticking with my practice of one hour a day of meditation, enhanced by an abundance mindset/positive thinking/ wealth creating/ affirmation on Spotify since the beginning of July. All good so far, but the mind is starting to drift away very very much. All the affirmation are more in the background instead of making me present and helping me imagining things. Sure it still helps but by this moment my mind got accustomed to the sound/voice/ words that come out of headphones. Being present in the moment is less and less during the meditation, not talking about body awareness. I had some struggling moments last week when I was just praying to have that one hour alarm go off. Noticing a lot of tension especially in my belly and start to wonder if any of this practice has any effect. And then I remembered what happened to me last year when I slide off and abandoned the practice for a while - low mood, low focus, desire, and ability to make smart decisions. Overall, I know that the mind is playing tricks on me and want me to quit but I have to stay strong. I will keep playing the affirmation tape till the end of the month - in this way ensure myself that if there is something that would stick in my mind, it will (after 21 66 or 90 days -depends which theory you add to) - and then I will go back to silence/ breath following meditation practice. Still - Thank you Leo for clarifying that I should take care of my survival aspect before pursuing enlighment in your last episode - still the meditation practice will stay https://open.spotify.com/album/5qnCoSgd9Hh9OsdH0NE3PQ?si=0WQTmEkESiKFCqQJi8kHlA
  14. Quick notes to expand in the next post: meditation Skill progression Nootropics (partial testing) Psychedelics ( and overspending) Finances Familly Workouts (almost to the end of the program - results and challenges) Speech Confidence Social skills Changing the environment? - Living places? Citezenship