Alex bAlex

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About Alex bAlex

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    Portsmouth, UK ® Romania
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  1. @Raptorsin7 and @Nahm thank you so much - very inspiring 😁 I keep looking at my vision board (picture attached) for more than a year and a half now and nothing seems to move in any direction so far. Meditation wise I was very confused. I started with the "do nothing technique" till I reached 2 months of 1 hour every day (of excruciating pain) then I start kryia yoga which made me a bit confused. However after a period of 3 months of kryia I got back to do nothing technique followed by a session of 10 days if Vipassana. Coming back from Vipassana everything seems to get ruined and I had no Idea which style to continue to incorporate in my daily routine. The do nothing technique was the easiest because I had to do nothing. On kriya I had to count various bits and keep failing to keep the peace. On vipassana meditation I felt like I never understood the whole technique and I was doing only small bits and pieces leading me to loose time. I have to work more on the morning routine. But being a self employed and having nobody to "force" a certain schedule on you, seems more difficult to achieve it. Bit of background- while starting the self actualisation journey I was working as a lorry driver on a night shift Monday to Friday different starts -finishing hours 5-7pm to 3-7am. When I finally left that job to become a taxi driver I swear that I wouldn't work nights again. Guess what -3 months later I am back on nights. Why-its much easier, more money (not necessarily) and so on...I could bring all sorts of arguments. So I end up again in a worst position (by the way I just gave a toastmaster speech entitled "The principle of homeostasis or why do we keep backsliding" ). I am getting complacent again. Maybe I just need a bit of time to adjust. Recently I changed houses and living with another 7 different members which are way outside of self-actualisation and discipline is a but of a challenge. My Ideal routine looked like: -4 am wake up , 500 ml of water, brush teeth, empty bladder -4:10 am meditation 1 hour -5:20 out for 5 miles run -6 am Breakfast -6:40 start working Sometimes I would skip running in the morning and save it for 12 pm then having lunch and back to work. And I did this and it worked. For a while, till someone give me a little nudge and pushed me out of the track. In this case what's the point of having a routine and living in fear that tomorrow will going to fail. It's just another form of neuroses. Probably I should try again to implement that routine. And reading after breakfast. And journalling here. Although I wonder if it's useful to put my thoughts down, as I never went back to read what I wrote 2 months ago, deep inside I know it helps me. Pfewww what a waste of ink on babbling. There's plenty more to say and plenty of time - infinite.
  2. I thought I could make it but 8t seems that I am too weak. My mind is not designed to progress and create but rather to give in pleasure. This self actualisation journey- I don't even know what to say about. It creates more harm or improve me? On one side sure I think differently and see things differently and feel positive (especially when I am put in a contrast - surrounded by negative people) but on the other side I was and still feel unable to sort out my basic needs in regards of the financial situation and sexual desires. And if the financial situation would be sorted out the sexual needs would take care of itself. I know how much confidence can a small amount of savings can give you. Unfortunately I get traped in buying desire. Also what I am doing at the moment is showing me how hars is the rat race. Since I changed jobs in July, I got plenty of social growth, getting new friends, taking dancing classes, visit my family but all this at the financial burden expenses. I just ditch my own hole. The meditation habit is inexistent. I forgot how it is to sit in silence for one hour. Even the exercise habit is going out the door slowly slowly. Diet- just had bacon this morning at breakfast (the last time must be 2,5 years ago). All I am doing now is running after money. I'm going through periods of intense happiness and joy and suicidal thoughts because I failed because I am 30 soon and all I got is more debt and two parents depending on my income which I feel I cannot take anymore. But everything will aling itself in the end. If it's to kill myself, - I don't know. I don't want to but it seems like I have to. I'm not designed to be a leader. My mind is too weak giving in temptations. How can a girl be my girlfriend when I have nothing to show at 30 ? I want to cry but I cannot. Not because I am not allowing myself to cry but because all this abovementioned is bullshit and the true self knows this. I'll going to make it . Head up . Peace 🚀
  3. Watching powerlessly how the animal in me devour itself 😔
  4. Having a quick look at other journals and find none messy as mine. Don't I care high enough? Am I too complacent or just this is my level of development. Also it takes 30-50 minutes to write a good journal which I don't really have at the moment. Does it matter anyway? I write these lines and maybe tomorrow I will glance at them but by next week will be forgotten. In a couple of months this journal will not exist anymore so why bother?
  5. So it seems that I have positive moods and moments and I am not so nihilistic as I thought I am.
  6. Went to run in the end before I going to bed. Done 11 miles and felt great. Wish I could slept more but it is better than oversleeping. Still having a runny nose now and then but I eliminate 90% of the cold especially after the run.
  7. Day 9 Break !
  8. Day 8 -observe Mmm... No coffee stimulation today and so far I still feel focused and calm. I noticed and increase in my speed while driving but that has many factors involved like getting accustomed with the streets,time of the day, traffic and yeah microdosing. Although I am pressing the peddal a bit I don't do it wrecklessly but feeling in the zone. No meditation or exercise today as being short on time.
  9. If we're just animals who looks to survive and reproduce then why do we care? Why do we have compassion? Why do we want to help others. Only to serve our agenda?
  10. What a day... Pff.... From up high to low then high again. At least the cold is getting out of me . The microdosing definitely is the best thing I find out so far in a matter of daily habits. Now all I have is to channel it into the right direction. @Zigzag Idiothope you manage to cope without tobacco. I know how difficult it is and thanks God (me) for 5.35 grams of mushroom whom helped me to shade this toxic habit.
  11. Day 7 Waking up with a head and chest full of sickness stickyness🤧 Got the 10 ml shot and went for a run m only 3 miles as it started to rain and thought of not getting my health even worse. Following run I went to a sauna to clean up my chest, and I meditate a bit over there as it wasn't busy. And then I got out and boy....wwoooww I had a look over the park at sunset just after a heavy rain and felt like heaven. Later on I went to fill up my car and waiting there at the pump and watching the sky I felt so alive that after I paid and got inside the car I just scream of joy and happiness like yeeeeahhhh!!! There are some bits and pieces like cooking my breakfast after fueling up,it took more mental concentration and I felt a bit clumsy. But overall I can feel the energy and awakeness sort of being on coffee but without any jitters or tensions. Peaceful! Yeeeeahhhh
  12. So I observed that in all the moments (days) I have to have a "negative habbit" be it , coffee, porn,binge YouTube or eating crap. Trying to get one this off, and automatically another one will replace it. At least I don't crave tobacco and alcohol. I guess it's because I live in a dualistic world? Maybe. Could I get rid off all the above-sure but who knows if I wouldn't be on crack a couple of months later. Just saying...
  13. @Kazman thank you for sharing this with us. I find it very helpful, getting ready for the ego death (although is subjective) 💚