flowboy

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Everything posted by flowboy

  1. Hi everyone, I'm a software engineer by day and an independent (hobbyist) app developer by night... which means a pretty busy schedule that doesn't involve being around hot girls. Or any. It's really a miracle that I'm not a virgin. The thing is, trying to cram some hours of going out to meet women, while perpetually underslept and stuck in my head thinking about work, is really swimming upstream. I'm very jealous of people that have always worked in nightlife and are therefore always around lots of girls, so they have huge dating advantages. I feel pretty angry that my trade (seemingly) doesn't involve meeting women. Do you guys have any ideas? Is there a type of programmer I could be that his job requires him to meet lots of people? Is there a well-paid gig that maybe related that I could try? I'm looking for ideas.
  2. Sleeping over at someone else's house means not having time to work out in the morning. Even bringing everything you need. It still disrupts your routine. It's time I were less reckless with my schedule. I like working out 6 days a week.
  3. Why does the majority of people doing a self-actualization journal appear to be nuts? Well, I am one of them now, so I guess I'll find out. The bad I have started attempts at implementing habits that I wanted since I was 19. I am 26 now. The years in between I have spent anxious, occasionally depressed, constantly having so much chaos in my mind that I felt I had no choice but run away. Running away meant eating random shit, smoking a lot, drinking, getting caught up in drama, and a LOT of binging TV and youtube. All the while not even being able to get up early for work consistently, or brush my teeth for that matter. There's a part of me that believes I am 'cursed', destined to live a mediocre life as an unhealthy heavily neurotic lonely person, that I don't deserve to be healthy because I've been a smoker, and I'm lazy, and so on. When I listen to this part, I can hardly get out of bed and I brush my teeth/shower only every few days. Also I never do dishes or clean up, so being at home for me is navigating through the mess, trying to close my eyes to it and distract myself with TV as much as possible. All this went on while I had relationships and did have my share of social fun. Having people over just means scrambling to hide the shameful uncontrolled mess. I've stayed up entire nights without sleep, trying to force myself to clean up or vacuum. Or cook. My mailbox has 1600 unread messages. I could go on. I've been diagnosed with ADD. I sought this diagnosis because it fit: in highschool I could spend five hours staring at one math problem, not understanding the words that I read. I wasn't lazy, I wanted to fucking do my homework! I just couldn't bring my mind to it. In hindsight I should have eaten less bread probably, might have helped. Anyway. I've been on and off ritalin and dextroamphetamine many times. It does me no good in the long run. At best it just blindly increases my enthusiasm for EVERYTHING, which does not help me with controlling my focus and being selective at all. At its worst, those medications have altered my personality to not be interested in my partner and turn me in a workaholic, which fucked up my relationship and my health. My conclusion is I have to face this propensity I have for chaos, and handle it. Without drugs. The good In recent months I have been working on my vision, trying to get a purpose clearer and clearer. I have been eating clean(er) and going to the gym regularly, which helped my mood a lot. The past week I've even written down everything I eat, and with that awareness I put on it I was motivated to eat even cleaner. The result has been that some days I have felt AMAZING for like no reason except a good morning routine and no bad food. I don't even need coffee anymore. I have been a non-smoker for almost 5 days now. Things are looking up. My goals: Eat fucking clean. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol. Drink water, sparkling water or tea. Meditate daily Concentration practice daily Give up TV and read instead Keep a life plan/vision, year plan, week plan, and daily schedules. Not knowing what I should be doing is the nr 1 cause of anxiety for me currently. Learn some basic yoga asanas. Do this in the morning. Increase self expression. I've started practicing public speaking. Maybe I want to start a blog too. Learn to drive Do prayer, and other gratefulness practices to keep me humble and in flow Weight training at least 3 times a week. This is almost an addiction at this point: I need it to regulate my mood. Stay a non-smoker Formulate a business plan and execute on it. Can't be a wage slave forever. Learn pickup. I need this for my soul. I'm tired of making excuses to not talk to a girl So, my intention is to update here on my progress and to keep 'stats' of how many hours I spent on the activities above. Let's see how it goes! I feel energized!
  4. Bringing Meditation Back It's been roughly a a month of brushing my teeth like an adult, two months of making daily schedules, 3 months of not smoking, and 4 months of making weekly schedules. Now that I have these basic survival habits implemented, I feel like it's the right time to bring the daily meditation habit back. I will do 20 minutes a day. And additionally I will twice a week find a lull in my busy schedule to try and talk to a stranger, simply for the connection itself. Which I kind of just did Amazing when you set your mind to something and it just starts happening.
  5. @Farnaby I honestly would recommend taking MDMA together, or a psychedelic like LSD, and having a really good talk about all these things. That's the best advice I could give you. Because it sounds like you both have all these little frustrations here and there that your normal conversation patterns are not resolving. When you talk about it, your patterns are such that it doesn't lead to a satisfying resolution and the return of harmony. I'm sure I will get flak for this, but I think you need to have a glowing experience together that disrupts your normal every day patterns of relating. And no, hiding is never a good idea.
  6. If that's how you're interpreting what's happening, man, I feel you and I've been there but just know that it's an interpretation, not objective truth. And it's also a sign that you also have things to work on. Usually people who are together are more symmetrical in development than they think. I would strongly urge you to read The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. Seriously. It has helped me tremendously to understand male-female dynamics better, and what it actually means to be a man. And how to handle all aspects of relationships. Its wisdom cannot be summarised in a paragraph so I won't try. But give yourself that gift of reading that book!
  7. Hot Date And Thoughts So I met up with this scientist girl, who I matched with on the apps. I actually felt way too tired/work-obsessed to be social, but luckily she also was in a work mindset still, so we could relate and relax together. Played some pool, did some dancing, kissed a little. I got really excited. She feels very soft and feminine, she has that quality of energy that I like and turns me on. It creates this nice polarity with mine. I found myself fantasizing about her being my girlfriend while I was brushing my teeth. And after getting home, I still worked on my project a tiny bit. I'm really proud of that. The Flowboy that is looking to get distracted with women for as long as possible, is dead. I have a mission. This morning at the gym, again I saw this girl who looks so perfect that it just freaks out my whole system. And same thing happens: I know I don't have the balls to talk to her at this time, so I just try not to stare and focus on myself. And I'm there just for myself anyway, to focus on my own workout, blah blah. Then I see this smooth dude strike up a conversation with her. She laughs and plays with her hair. There is jealousy. It stings. It hurts in just the right way. I up the weight and do another set. Then it hits me how weird it is: when I'm on a date with a girl, I don't freak out, I feel pretty secure, I can just be myself, and if there is some connection it usually goes well. This is not about the girl at all. Or about the sexual aspect. There's nothing particularly wrong with how I relate to girls. I'm just not in the habit of talking to strangers. And when I see a random dude, I don't care about that. But when I see a hot girl, it stings, because I see all the possibilities. But it's not the talking to the hot girl. It's just the striking up conversations for no reason. That's the part that's missing. The sexual aspect is fine, I can take that out of the equation. So my hypothesis is: if I could just learn to connect to people for no particular reason, as a habit, then it will all work itself out, and I don't have to suffer every time I see an attractive person anymore. Probably the non-goal oriented part is what I should work on. I have no problem going up to strangers for a reason. But with strangers there is usually no reason. And then I try to talk to girls I see on the street, and it's weird, because it's for no reason except that I'd like to connect, and that's not normal for me so it feels weird and probably comes off inauthentic, plus it's kind of a lie because I'm only doing it because I'm horny and I'm forcing myself. Not very fertile ground for spontaneous connection. I know what I have to do. I will discuss this with the Men's group tonight.
  8. Sexual Frustration Since I decided that I can not pursue financial independence at the same time as I'm pursuing going out a lot and becoming a massive player, I feel the same sexual frustration every time I see a hot girl. The same frustration I have felt ever since my balls dropped, added with the guilt and negative self talk of "I can teach myself to break through this fear. I should just go meet a hot girl if I want to so bad. Just do it bro, why pussy out" that started when I found out about RSD and stuff. And now... I don't even know what I should do in such situations. Talk to her? Would be a huge adrenaline rush and therefore distraction, and will definitely make me late for things. I'm usually on my way something, and almost never feel like I have a half hour to spare to talk to strangers. Then again, that might be an excuse I hide behind. And what's the goal? Set a date? When? I basically am using all my free evenings to work on my project. Well that's a lie. But ideally, I am. And that's not all. I don't just want to date a hot girl (I am dating a hot girl), I want to date lots of them, and go out a lot, and have lots of friends and throw crazy parties with them, and have sex orgies with all these hot girls that I would meet... basically go full bilzerian. That's right. That's what I want. Part of it, at least. And part of me. I just don't know how to reconcile that part with my goals right now. And I kind of pity myself because ever since my dramatic social failures in school, I have dreamt of being popular and well liked by girls and all the sex that comes with that. And now I feel like I am developed enough that if I were to direct all my energy into being a full on manwhore party animal, that I could actually achieve that dream and have that experience. And now I'm not allowing myself that, because I want to work on all this grown-up stuff... Or am I using the grown up stuff as an excuse? I don't even know anymore man... Flowboy is confused.
  9. Current Morning Routine Grumpily walk to phone to shut alarm off Crawl back to bed clutching the phone like it's My Preciousss Scroll through instagram for 15 minutes. Resist urge to fap Get up again and brush my teeth. Use floss. Wearing wireless headphones, listening to some inspiring shit. Cause I need that motivation to floss. Drag self to gym Drag body through workout. Try not to stare at hawt girls Shower hopefully It's a work in progress
  10. Even though I felt tired and achy all day, I still managed to spend 3.5 hours on my project after work!
  11. Ordered Groceries Online A small step for Flowboy, yet a big step for time efficiency. It cost 8,50 to have them delivered. However, the way I see it: - I normally buy groceries for lunch in the morning before work, which can take 15-30 minutes - I then would buy groceries again after work, for dinner, which can take 30-45 minutes easily This is a dumb and inefficient process that costs me an hour a day. Planning my meals for four days ahead saved me 4 hours, if I did it correctly. Multiplying that by the hourly rate I currently earn, I already saved more in time than the cost of the groceries including delivery.
  12. Saying Goodbye To My Old Self Today I had set out to do a seemingly simple, overdue cleanup: deleting/archiving my old WhatsApp conversations. (WhatsApp is what everyone uses for texting in the Netherlands) It seemed simple enough. Yesterday I processed 635 overdue emails without a problem. But this... I encountered so many conversations that reminded me of situations and memories. I couldn't resist reading them, and I even started a bunch of "Hey how are you, we haven't spoken in 2 years but I came across you while cleaning up ha ha so how've you been" conversations. And 'a bunch' is between 5 and 10. Additionally, I found myself creating a whole bunch of new contacts for numbers I didn't have in my phone anymore, but used to have whatsapp conversations with. I just could not let go. Are these people important to me? Not really. Am I important to them? Doubtful. But I can't just not add their number anymore... What if I'm in town someday and want to hang out... It's easy throwing papers and emails away, but these contacts and conversations represent people! How the hell am I supposed to cold-heartedly throw people away?! This is where it dawned on me what the thread I was pulling was actually attached to. Facing the death of my past self. After going through a bunch of them, my 'head' is filled with memories, feelings, hopes and dreams from the past. Even old negative self talk and insecurity is coming back to say hello. I really am feeling quite melancholic and down at this point. Also a bit ungrounded, not being that sure of who I am. Even feel like smoking, because I used to feel like this a lot and use smoking to cover up that ungrounded feeling. Weirdly, that used to be a part of my identity. All this is going on while the whole city is literally vibrating from noise - the dng-tss-dng-tss-dng-tss of a loud techno festival that is going on every year. This is the first year since I knew about that festival that I'm not going. And it's weird. It used to be part of my identity that I went to festivals like that. I needed that to feel like I was living a good life, to tell myself and others that my life was fun and interesting and not boring at all (faithfully proving my 13 year old cyber bully wrong) It used to be that I got anxious if I had no one to go with. I even made a point of going by myself, to prove to myself that I could meet new people and make friends, and didn't need anyone and there was nothing wrong with me. This year, I planned to go but especially in the last months it has become clear that it just doesn't make sense for me anymore. Why put my body through half a week of no sleep, drugs, loud music at all hours and stressors of all kinds, after which I would need at least a week to recuperate, being totally out of my routine, JUST when I was getting my shit together and actually executing on what I believe to be a part of my life purpose? It just doesn't make sense for me to do that. And with that, obviously the part of me that needs to be a cool festivalperson is freaking the f*ck out. Am I suddenly a boring person? Am I pathetic? Am I seriously uncool, or lonely, or just have no one to go with? Have I given up on life? None of the above. I'm just moving to a new value system. My old value system said that having as many cool, interesting experiences as possible was important. Being at cool raves was important. Being a person in a certain scene was important. And somehow it would lead to more sex (it literally never did for me) My new value system says that focus is important. Keeping my life simple. Essentialism. Hard work. Discipline. Routine. Efficiency. Sacrificing for a greater goal. All that stuff. Where does trying to be cool doing drugs at a festival and not sleeping for 3 days fit in? Hearing the music of the rave I decided not to be at, combined with re-reading conversations with people I will never contact again, did get to me. I almost-cried a couple times on the bus. And I miss that worry-free version of myself, even though he was clueless in so many ways. His sheer desperation did make him have more adventures than I'm currently having. The way I see it, it's okay to grieve a bit for worry-free times. But those times were the fake kind of worry-free, because I was simply postponing the difficult problem of starting a business until 'later'. Later is here. I'm now in the phase where I can fight for an actually worry-free future. For real this time.
  13. I'm playing with the idea to try to "detox" from agreement seeking and approval seeking. I would like some input on how to do that. @tsuki, if you could weigh in, that would be great. I perceive you as masterful in this area. I'm a pretty disagreeable person that likes to provoke with his unique, alternate views on things. But I realised that disagreeing with people is still a form of seeking agreement. It's still caring what people think. Some examples of what I mean: Any discussion or debate, online or in real life, where I make an effort to make someone agree with me, and where this serves no clear purpose besides the satisfaction of being right, or the safety of sharing a viewpoint Anytime I hear or read that someone is stating things that go against my opinion, may even be offensive to me, and I'd normally want to jump in and correct people Anytime I've had an insight about myself, during journaling, therapy or meditation, and I feel the need to share it with a friend or parent Anytime I've accomplished something that I'm proud of and I can't wait to tell friends (approval!) When I've made a new plan or resolution for my life, and I want to tell people When someone asks me about my views/thoughts on something without really being invested in understanding it, and I'm prepared to give the serious complicated answer and lay it all on the table. For example, they don't want to get or give advice, but just satisfy curiosity When talking to a girl, trying to be more fun than my normal self Reasons I want to stop these behaviours: I have a lot of trouble taking action if nobody in my environment backs me up. For example, I wanted to get into pickup for years, but didn't because no one I knew was. I wanted to get into tantra years ago, but forgot about it since none of my then-friends would understand. I started a business but gave up on the first hurdle, also because I didn't feel secure since no one I knew was an entrepreneur. I feel pretty heavily weighed down by this need for my environment to validate my actions and views. Debates are a LOT of wasted energy, nobody learns from them, they just dig their heels in the sand more Being right is addictive and not useful I feel like I could evolve faster if I didn't try to get feedback and approval on every minor insight and breakthrough. I think that to be successful, you have to be able to trust your own mind even if nobody agrees Approval-seeking behaviour in conversation makes me less attractive How I picture changing that: Give my opinion one time, clearly, when asked for advice, on a forum topic or in a team meeting, and ignore all debate that ensues. If necessary, change topic or repeat statement. Don't spill all the beans unless someone really wants to know. Don't give serious answers (even though I love to hear myself philosophise) unless my help is needed or someone is trying to help me. When I feel proud of something, journal instead of blab. When I have a EUREKA moment, journal and embody it instead and wait for people to notice the change. What do you think?
  14. @LoveandPurpose I appreciate your forgiving comment here! Sometimes seeing an ugly part of our behaviour up close can be quite jarring. I do think that by talking it through with her, this particular trigger has lost a lot of its power. But who knows. Thank you for reading!
  15. @Zigzag Idiot Yeah, that actually sounds pretty similar to my symptoms. Seems to move around both ears and makes random lymph nodes swell up. I recently had yet another episode of being pretty convinced that I was going to die soon for a few days, until I had the doctor draw my blood and reassure me. It's really kind of pathetic the sorts of compulsive thoughts I have in such moments, basically imagining saying goodbye to family at my deathbed, many times a day, and with every action I plan, wondering if it will be my last. So melodramatic... and unnecessary for a person in good health! Feels quite ungrateful, but I try to not judge it too much. I'm fine now. Thank you for sharing your related experience. On the cannabis: I have yet to find a strain that relaxes and calms me! Literally every time I use cannabis, there is an unstable/anxious/worried component to the experience, and I feel restricted in my breathing. I do manage to enjoy it despite that, sometimes.
  16. @Zigzag Idiot Again thank you for supporting me there, a little message meant a lot. I'm almost on day 80 now, and am ascribing a great deal of that success to the support of the community, offline as well as online.
  17. Just a quick status update. Before this topic got derailed into an (honestly quite depressing) hunt for character flaws in myself, I actually was on to something. I just didn't know that it would happen by itself. I find myself trusting my own judgment over anybody else's. The issue I was originally talking about was partly that I didn't feel sure enough of myself to make decisions in the face of derision and adversity. Recently, I had a good experience where all of my environment expressed their lack of confidence in my plan. I held true to my own view and pushed forward anyway, telling any non-believer to trust me, and just wait and see. And it turned out to be a good decision. I'm moving away from seeking agreement, and needing to bounce my thoughts off people regularly, and moving towards guaging what the person I'm speaking with is able to understand, what paradigm he is in, and how his experience compares to mine, and tailoring what I share to that. So I'm giving them the part they can probably relate to, and shutting up about the rest. I'm learning when to keep my mouth shut, basically. Giving up the need to be able to share any thought honestly, regardless of the level of awareness of the person in front of me. Thank you all.
  18. A Week Of Success How to describe how I'm feeling... I'm walking around chest forward, shoulders wide, chin up. Relaxed and ready to face anything head-on. I feel exhausted but deeply content. Healed. Confirmed. Slightly arrogant. The meeting went well. Yesterday my team expressed their lack of faith in my bold decisions. I took away some stuff that they cared about, and now it was all ruined. They were even afraid to lose the customer, and therefore did not dare to show my work. I let them cry it out. It was quite hard not to cave, admit mistakes, and apologize. But I merely said: "I do not share your concerns. I'm not worried. At all. I'm sorry to hear that this is how you feel. But I believe that fear is rarely a good adviser. If you don't want to do the demo, I will do it. If you don't know how to explain this to the customer, I will handle it. " Upon more expressions of doubt, I said: "Wait and see then. Pay close attention." I never had even met this fucking customer. All I was going off of, was this hunch that I had, that my coworkers actually don't know how to present well, how to handle customer objections, how to make the customer feel heard. I simply suspected, based on anecdotes, that they simply were handling these meetings poorly. I was right. I walked to the front. Calm and collected. Clicked on a few buttons. Showed what I made and explained why I made it so. Explained that I understood they had a hard job and we aimed to make it as easy as possible. Now this customer is the kind of guy that has a permanent scowl on his face, because he has too many responsibilities and too little agency in an inflexible organisation, his body literally visually trembling with built-up stress and frustration. This is just my reading. Maybe he has some sort of nerve disease, I don't know. But he was definitely trembling and mean-looking. And his face lit up, and he smiled. Remarked enthusiastically that this was a lot better than they had seen last time (which my coworkers had said was better!), and finally we were getting somewhere. He was seeing the possibilities. I could not believe my luck. This, to me, is just the ultimate confirmation that making bold decisions pays off, if your heart is in the right place. If you do what you think is right, in the face of derision and adversity, later people will thank you for it. And I knew that, but I didn't have much practice actually doing that. I'm doing things at work lately that make me wonder at night whether I am going to lose customers and/or my job. But I'm trusting my own judgment over others'. For the first time, with something at stake. The rest of the meeting was just me making the customer feel listened to, making him feel important, and taking copious notes of what was important to him. All the while cringing at the stupid, IDIOT mistakes my two colleagues were making: Interrupting the customer ALL THE TIME. He was trying to give his view. We were there to hear it. And my manager guy keeps interrupting him with questions like an ADHD kid. Not repeating what he said, and missing opportunities to show that we understand. Saying that their jargon is wrong, and trying to force him to use the terminology that we're familiar with Making stupid remarks that imply that his job is easy/should be simple. Ignoring his explanations about his hard work. Forcing him into our frame, instead of building onto his. Talking about subjects that he clearly doesn't like and make him feel negative Just when the conversation is going in a positive direction, start talking about problems Arguing over details. Or semantics. Arguing at all! I cringed so many times man... These people don't know anything about sales, they can't be decent to customers, they don't know how to come correct. One of my team members (in his fifties at least) can't even sit up straight, and started leaning his head on his arm with this intensely bored expression on his face. This was the same guy who had had so many complaints, and whom I had to tell to not fear and leave it to me. Later, I heard that his evaluation of the meeting was that "he hadn't heard anything new". What. The fuck. Anyway. I was right. The customer seemed excited to make the acquantance of a software guy who seems to actually give a fuck about his needs. And I need to be around more professional people than this bunch of dipshits. Or at least have the power to choose who I go to meetings with. It's interesting to find that when you give up on approval from others, others come and seek it from you. The other guy who was so disgruntled about me deleting his code, actually came to show me very proudly that he had made it in a better way. And it's actually better now! The project is on track, and a better track than it was before. All is well that ends well. This arrogant rant has gone on for long enough now. If you actually read it, I am sorry and will surely offer you a beer.
  19. This Asshole is Growing Balls I have to get out some thoughts for a minute. It's like life has been throwing me more 'advanced' situations, because it knows I can handle them now. Or something. But man... I feel chewed up. I just needed all my energy, everything I had just to keep my cool and not lose my shit. I kept cool but man, the pressure I felt was really high. Two team members at work just basically ganged up on me being quite angry and dissatisfied with the decisions I've made while they were on vacation. It's understandable. The decisions involved deleting a lot of the code that they had contributed. And also that code enabled some features that are gone now. And we need them back eventually. Their stance was that I could have done a gradual refactoring, keeping their code alive. That way, we still would have the features that we had back then. But to do that would have made it impossible to make quick progress on the improvements me and the other team member had in mind. I have more of a 'move fast and break things' kind of mentality. Plus, I decided that if I work on a product, I need to be enthusiastic about it. The existing plan was so boring and uninspired that nobody really knew what they were exactly supposed to build, or cared. For the past weeks, I've been working really really hard to implement the new plan, and make it 'cool'. Why did I work so hard that I got burnout symptoms? Because I wanted to get as much done as possible before the entire team was back, and I would meet with a ton of resistance, because 'we all decide everything together'. Which makes decisions incredibly slow to make, and very quick to overturn. I'm trying to inspire people to be bolder. And I went head-first. The disgruntled colleagues said to me that they now desire to not show the customer our progress, because they would be ashamed of it. They called it 'regress' because we've lost features. They said they would be too ashamed of the hard, passionate work I've been putting in for the past month, to want to show it to a customer. I gotta say, I understand but that was tough not to take personally. But I managed. And I bluffed: I said let me handle the demo then. And if the customer asks tough questions about where a feature has gone, I'll handle that too. Just trust me guys, I'll handle everything. I feel like I suddenly became father of two middle aged children. Wrong in so many ways. Also I feel like a huge asshole. I deviated from the norm, deleted people's contributions without their consent, and I feel like I constantly have to railroad people into approving my work. Well not just my work. Our work. But what's the alternative? Not give my deepest gift, as David Deida would say? Unacceptable. It's truly like no decision ever sticks unless I'm there. I'm trying to build a constructive culture, where people can build what they think is cool, so they are motivated. And I have to super-watch myself too, because I tend to want everything done my way and be way too controlling. Gotta let people contribute. But hey, I do that, and then other people get upset, and I have to let them get their way a little bit too. And value them. I am doing a lot of conscious taking interest in people and asking about what they like and want, and try to connect on that, instead of being closed off and assuming that they are dumb and I am smart and they will never understand (the default) You know what, if it is my destiny to be a well-meaning asshole, then that's what I'll be. I've made up my mind to stand up for what I believe in, do and say what I think is right, and come what may. Also I'm learning that in a team, my personal preferences are the last priority on the list. I'd much rather compromise and forfeit some things I think are good ideas, so that there can be a decision made that everyone can live with, and we can move forward. So in our next meeting, I will again be super mindful that I have to give up on getting my way, and instead steer everyone towards a decision that they all can live with, and quickly. I'm also teaching myself to withstand social pressure, for the greater good. I keep running into situations where the company I have strongly disapproves of me, (happened with girls too lately) and all attempts by me to explain myself and be understood, just get me into more trouble. I am grateful for those moments. They teach me that it's not worth compromising, ever, for people to approve of you. Not even a little bit. And if you don't, then at least you will have your self respect. And then others can respect you. I've seen now what happens in the in-between world, where you've just made a bold and honest statement, and people react outraged, and then you try to retreat even a little bit and weasel your way back into cosy approval. It's vicious, man. People hate that, too, and with good reason. Have to go all the way. I still feel as tense as I would feel in high school when everybody hated me. Unable to find most words or make coherent sentences. My system is still in emergency mode.
  20. What is your disability?
  21. It's fixed. That one issue of personal productivity, was a biggie. It was the one thing that I wasn't sure I would ever overcome. I thought I was doomed to always have chaos around me, always be stressed, late, independable. Having a super hard time keeping up with what the rest of the world considers normal functioning. I was sure I was doomed to have an extra hard life, as an ADD/ADHD person. It's not something you can totally change and overcome, I believed. Partly because of my upbringing. But that doesn't matter now. All that matters is where I'm going. I feel destined to be a leader. I am absolutely sure that I'm going to become rich, or die trying. And I look both ways when I cross the street.
  22. Awesome Focus I just spent 8 hours nonstop studying for my driving test. And I do mean nonstop: I didn't get up to eat, I just ate apples and kept going. Only got up 2 or 3 times to pee, that's it. Can't really say I have ADD anymore 😅 I notice that I take pride in my new ability to focus and do concentrated work for hours on end. As I should. Binaural beats seem to help Noise cancelling headphones definitely help Not eating dairy or grains definitely helps. It's 7:30 now and I've only had 3 apples, some coffee, some tea and the chocolates that came with them. And you know what, that's great. I have a habit of overeating anyway (as many people do), and if eating only fruit for the better part of the day helps me do concentrated work, then all the better. Being in a place where they bring me coffee helps. I don't have to get up. Plus, I don't have my couch/bed to escape to. Not replying to messages on my phone is easier than expected. Actually it's kind of a relief. I hate having that pressure to reply to shit. Turning off all notifications definitely helps. Now, I don't have anything else to do today. How come? I'm only doing one project at a time. And I've already put in 8 hours of productive work there. So I'm totally free. Feels great
  23. Timelogging Update I know that I at some point said I would try timelogging for another month and post the results. That failed, I just couldn't bring myself to do it after a few days (start and stop the timer after every activity) But there was a huge benefit to writing down what I was going to do and tracking the time. It kept me from getting distracted. I am now getting that benefit by logging my activities on a project document. So there is no longer one big log, but multiple smaller ones. I find it motivating to see my time investment in a particular project grow. Having to type it in manually is kind of nice, it keeps me serious. Although if Toggl would have an option to export to OneNote, youknow, that would be great. Teeth Cleaning Update Cleaning my teeth well to me symbolizes the rise in self-esteem that I have enjoyed since I did Primal. And I find that flossing is actually even fun. I hate it a lot less. Especially when I wear my new wireless headphones and listen to podcasts meanwhile.
  24. More Burnout Symptoms I just ran into my neighbour/friend on the way to get food. He asked whether I could water the plants for him a couple times in the next month. I had so many things on my mind that I was already saying no. Took me a long time to even realize that I am not going on vacation next month and I can totally do it for him. But it was like my mind was blank. He asked how I was. I didn't know what to say. My mind was blank. He's been doing well. I knew mentally that that should make me happy, and I fabricated a response that had the meaning in words that I was happy for him. But I was totally dead inside. I'm sitting here typing it up. It takes me a while to remember his name. And I don't know how I am or how I've been doing. I have like 5 girls I'm chatting with on whatsapp and Tinder. I send them 1 message every 2 days. An uninspired one. I don't care. A date got cancelled. I don't care. I gotta get my projects done. Whole body is tense, too. Shallow breathing, the works. I guess I get overly stressed pretty easily. It's not like I'm having a crazy workload. Just a couple things I'm trying to get done besides work. Reducing My Bandwidth Well, better listen. I'm going to take the night off, and cancel everything this week except the most important thing. From now on, I'm only working on one project at a time per time division. So one project in the 32 hours of work, and one project outside of that. I reduced my kanban lanes from 4 to 2. Hope that helps. And also, clearly I broke my rule of not having more than 3 things a day total. - I had 4 things yesterday - I was making myself make up for the 2 things I missed Monday (For the last time, Flowboy, there is no catching up!!! Every day is a new day!) Things that are eating so much CPU in my brain that they apparently prevent me from remembering names or feeling human connection: Driving license theory, I must study it Tantra retreat in October, I must make travel arrangements for it Project management in general, I am still learning and tweaking it constantly Huge project at work, I must do it all myself since the whole team is on vacation App I'm building, I must work on it Tinder girls, I must reply to them Volunteer work, I must cycle all over town to print shit for it Okay, it's quite some stuff. I thought organising it meant less burnout symptoms. Guess I will have to get better at doing less at a time.