flowboy

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Everything posted by flowboy

  1. Stuck to the no smoking. Watched youtube early in the day though. That was a mistake. Also had one coffee. Don't give up too many things at once. Tomorrow: video free day and entering day 3 of the smoking quit. After day 3 I expect to be fine. I/we need some plant medicine.
  2. Why does the majority of people doing a self-actualization journal appear to be nuts? Well, I am one of them now, so I guess I'll find out. The bad I have started attempts at implementing habits that I wanted since I was 19. I am 26 now. The years in between I have spent anxious, occasionally depressed, constantly having so much chaos in my mind that I felt I had no choice but run away. Running away meant eating random shit, smoking a lot, drinking, getting caught up in drama, and a LOT of binging TV and youtube. All the while not even being able to get up early for work consistently, or brush my teeth for that matter. There's a part of me that believes I am 'cursed', destined to live a mediocre life as an unhealthy heavily neurotic lonely person, that I don't deserve to be healthy because I've been a smoker, and I'm lazy, and so on. When I listen to this part, I can hardly get out of bed and I brush my teeth/shower only every few days. Also I never do dishes or clean up, so being at home for me is navigating through the mess, trying to close my eyes to it and distract myself with TV as much as possible. All this went on while I had relationships and did have my share of social fun. Having people over just means scrambling to hide the shameful uncontrolled mess. I've stayed up entire nights without sleep, trying to force myself to clean up or vacuum. Or cook. My mailbox has 1600 unread messages. I could go on. I've been diagnosed with ADD. I sought this diagnosis because it fit: in highschool I could spend five hours staring at one math problem, not understanding the words that I read. I wasn't lazy, I wanted to fucking do my homework! I just couldn't bring my mind to it. In hindsight I should have eaten less bread probably, might have helped. Anyway. I've been on and off ritalin and dextroamphetamine many times. It does me no good in the long run. At best it just blindly increases my enthusiasm for EVERYTHING, which does not help me with controlling my focus and being selective at all. At its worst, those medications have altered my personality to not be interested in my partner and turn me in a workaholic, which fucked up my relationship and my health. My conclusion is I have to face this propensity I have for chaos, and handle it. Without drugs. The good In recent months I have been working on my vision, trying to get a purpose clearer and clearer. I have been eating clean(er) and going to the gym regularly, which helped my mood a lot. The past week I've even written down everything I eat, and with that awareness I put on it I was motivated to eat even cleaner. The result has been that some days I have felt AMAZING for like no reason except a good morning routine and no bad food. I don't even need coffee anymore. I have been a non-smoker for almost 5 days now. Things are looking up. My goals: Eat fucking clean. No grains, no dairy, no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol. Drink water, sparkling water or tea. Meditate daily Concentration practice daily Give up TV and read instead Keep a life plan/vision, year plan, week plan, and daily schedules. Not knowing what I should be doing is the nr 1 cause of anxiety for me currently. Learn some basic yoga asanas. Do this in the morning. Increase self expression. I've started practicing public speaking. Maybe I want to start a blog too. Learn to drive Do prayer, and other gratefulness practices to keep me humble and in flow Weight training at least 3 times a week. This is almost an addiction at this point: I need it to regulate my mood. Stay a non-smoker Formulate a business plan and execute on it. Can't be a wage slave forever. Learn pickup. I need this for my soul. I'm tired of making excuses to not talk to a girl So, my intention is to update here on my progress and to keep 'stats' of how many hours I spent on the activities above. Let's see how it goes! I feel energized!
  3. First stage of quitting smoking: a very, very fuzzy mind. Second stage: intermittent moments of sadness without a reason
  4. How can the absence of kids or family be experienced as not free? Could you elaborate on how they view that? I don't see how having a family would make someone more free to do anything.
  5. Yes, mescaline did this for me too. Quite shocking. The nasal passage was so open, that I felt like I had a giant hole in the middle of my head, that wind was flowing through. It was connected to a sense of strength and purpose, though. How old were you when that happened? Sounds like that was a traumatic moment, and conditioning was created that manifested psychosomatically. I'm sorry to hear that. That is not a right way to treat a child. They should have been loving and understanding towards you in that moment, but instead they were cold, unloving, and made you ignore your feelings and disown your experience. Whenever a child is being made to reject part of its own experience (in this case: you parents telling you that your lack of appetite is wrong), it creates a split. The part of you that experienced that which was deemed not okay, is now pushed into the shadow. And any experience it has, is also pushed down. When we push down something we are not allowing ourselves to experience, it can cause a blockage in the body. Numbness, pain, inability to experience pleasure in that area, or a literal blockage. Maybe that's how your nose got stuffed. It's just a theory, but it seems reasonable to me that you should treat this as childhood conditioning, incurred by this moment that was experienced as traumatic at the time. (Be careful not to minimize it. It doesn't matter what you as an adult consider traumatic. It only matters how it was experienced at that time) If that's what it is, then when you go through the process of releasing that conditioning, it could very well clear up your nose too. You won't find a medical cause in that case. Some avenues to consider: Primal therapy (I had great experience with this) Ayahuasca Body work Regression hypnosis Any therapist or healer who you trust and who specializes in childhood conditioning (not just any psychologist)
  6. I love his podcasts. They often make me emotional to the point of tearing up. Taught me some good things too.
  7. These interviews make it seem less scary: To answer the question: my fear of death is a 2/10 But I'm sure that should I be in danger, it will jump up quite a bit in the moment
  8. The exact text you wrote here would do it just fine! Just print it out and read it to him, if you want to do it in person. Then give it to him. He will be searching for reasons why: they are in here. He will be arguing that you still love each other: that point is addressed too. He might say that it's not so bad and you can work on it: your description of your differing needs and wants is very definite, and leaves little room for discussion or doubt. The only thing you should add is some appreciation and gratitude for the time you had. It's going to suck anyway, good luck! P.S. Speaking as a man who is still mildly traumatized by a breakup where the girl failed to be super definite and clear with me - she was vague in her words, all she said was "this connection to this other guy feels really important, I hope you understand" - and basically allowed me to think that we were still in some kind of (open) relationship for months after. But then wouldn't meet up with me. It's hard to get the message when you're in love, so what I needed was harsh clarity, so that I could have started processing it quicker and sooner. If you fail to be clear and definite, you are being cruel. In Dutch we have a saying: Soft healers make stinking wounds.
  9. Being on dependency creating drugs - mild or not - every day, means having detox symptoms in the morning. This goes for caffeine too. Amount doesn't matter as much as the regularity of it. If it's a daily habit, there will be a dependency. Apart from that: it's September. Do you have a pattern of feeling worse during the last 4 months of the year? In that case, you might have seasonal affective disorder. I have it. It's basically mild depression with anxiety that creeps up on you when the days get shorter and cloudier.
  10. Committing to a video free day made me feel much better yesterday. I got work done and felt calmer. Today I feel even more stable, so I decided to do it again. Just got rid of cigarettes and coffee, don't need them anymore. I'll keep drinking some green tea over the next couple of days.
  11. @EntheogenTruthSeeker Good move! If you really want a calm and optimistic mind, try giving all politics related content a rest, too. Maybe even quit talking politics. Or even holding political opinions. Any political opinion is ultimately untenable, anyway.
  12. How come you can't, and I can? My YouTube recommendations are mostly videos about cute animals, functional medicine, health, psychedelics, and interesting speakers like Terence McKenna and Ram Dass. It sounds like you're a willing victim of the algorithm. Simple fix: only click on what makes you feel good and relaxed. Anything that is recommended which makes you feel anxious or otherwise bad, click "not interested". The algorithm will learn that you don't care about being scared or depressed anymore. Do that for a week and see what that does for you. But Erik, don't you think it's important to know what's going on in the world? Aren't you sticking your head in the sand? There is infinite bad things going on, and infinite wholesome, hopeful things going on. My capacity to take in information is limited. So I have to filter. Why not set your filters to relaxed and healthy? No one is being helped by anonymous people feeling bad about their suffering, for a second, before clicking away, anyway. People directly around you are being helped by you radiating gratitude and hope, though. So choose your content consciously.
  13. I was exactly in that position when I was 19. Then again when I was 24. Making a huge list of all the possible degrees to go for. Analyzing them and trying to optimize for the best choice. So afraid of making the wrong choice. It's wasted energy though, because life doesn't work that way. Trying to use reason to logically optimize for the best choice, doesn't work, because you're reasoning based on assumptions you can't know. Especially if you're 30 or younger, you can expect to be an entirely different person within 5 years. Different likes and dislikes, different worldview, different friends, different passions, different life purpose. So good luck making the perfect choice. What will you be passionate about in 5 years? How will your personality have changed in 5 years? How will the job market have changed in 5 years? What will you feel that your life purpose is in 5 years? Is a degree useful for that? If so, which one? It's impossible to know these things. I would have told my younger self to just do what feels most interesting. The rest is useless overthinking. Life success is not determined by "events", as most people think. Events being: graduating, getting a degree, making that one investment, starting that business that day. It's determined by how you life your life every day. See also my reply here:
  14. I think meeting people in real life is a much more reliable way of researching this topic, than looking at statistics or the sources you've been citing from. If you're really interested in this, then nothing beats meeting people and seeing what's actually up.
  15. I heard flowboy also does that In my pickup days I would have loved to be an intern for Tyler, I think. At least that's what I was dreaming about. Following a successful entrepreneur's every move, whilst going out with him and helping him film the videos. Like Max Tornow did. Who runs a business coaching venture now that is under investigation now for unethical practices I don't know what it is with these guys. They're so good on video, and at what they do, but they can't seem to install a company culture of ethical practice.
  16. Okay for one: these surveys don't mean a lot, because they select for the type of person that would take a survey like that. Inherent problem with global surveys. But let's assume it does. You can see men are overreporting lack of sex compared to women. Their graph is related to women's graph, it's just a bit of an exaggeration of it. Women's reporting lack of sex also jumped up. Correspondingly, men's reported lack of sex jumped up. I don't think this shows anything related to women getting laid more. It's just that men complain about it more than women. Between 2008 and 2018, more people were sexless. The difference in reporting has always been there, I think that's a bias related to sex. Women don't view lack of sex as as big of a problem as men, which is nothing new. It also makes sense that the relation is not linear. Men are just more inclined to complain about this, because sex is higher on their priority list typically. What happened? Well, perhaps people got less shy about reporting their lack of sex. Perhaps the culture changed, and so there was less shame around it. People felt more entitled, and so were more inclined to see their sexless marriage as a problem? Keep in mind that these stats could very well be people in a relationship. Bottom line: all this shows, is that this is what people who like to take surveys said in surveys. I don't even know anybody who takes these surveys. Why would you? I've certainly got better things to do than fill out General Social Surveys. So this really selects for people who have nothing better to do, and like to waste time with stuff like that. Which is probably not most people, and could correlate heavily with lack of initiative to go out and meet people. This makes the data basically worthless. Maybe social media is making people more lonely. Somehow. But even that is just a guess. Correlation does not imply causation.
  17. @zazen I can see your intentions are good, but you haven't questioned your base assumptions enough. This is trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist in reality. Yes, also the stuff about "evolutionary biology and how it drives our behavior" and how we have to "accept these hard truths" - are part of the mirage. Part of the myth that is crafted in order to draw in more hurt and bitter men, and selling them books and content instead of helping them heal. In reality, any emotionally healthy man who has his life reasonably together can find more than enough attractive women - and if he wants the attention of hundreds or thousands of twenty year olds, he can go play in a band or do something else cool that he gets recognition for. People who believe that that is false, usually do so because their emotional health and/or life is not together, and they don't want to do the work to fix it.
  18. We should totally start that.
  19. This is great! Thanks for posting something healthy and action-based Much needed around here
  20. So how to move from there into solving it at scale... not easy. Perhaps a marketing effort that appeals to the bitter people, meets them where they are at, but then coaxes them through a journey of healing, forgiveness and integration. Bit of a bait-and-switch, but it could work.
  21. Of course I have. Can't be a real self-actualizer without at least once boofing shrooms. Isn't that what Leo teaches?
  22. The solution lies in solving the fundamental problem at the individual level. The individual experiences pain, rejection, divorce - and becomes bitter. That bitterness makes him vulnerable to believe in these sorts of stories, which are basically an externalisation of the problem ("It's society's fault that I've been hurt") So helping the individual process his pain properly, helping him integrate the healthy masculine, and restoring his trust and love towards the feminine, is where the solution is.