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Dimension of Oneness Spirit Guide: At this final level you come to what might be quite a startling revelation. You come to see that there is no universe at all outside of you. There are no “other” beings playing this game with you. There never were. It was all, always, just you. You discover that every other being that played every single other role, that imagined every single other being was really just another version of you. As you enter The Dimension of Oneness you remember all your other incarnations, inventions, creations, actions. All of it. And there is no one and nothing that you cannot, at that moment, remember being and doing. You were and are ALL OF IT. And there is not one little atom anywhere that you did not imagine into being, not one blazing star that you did not cause to shine. There is not one single life that you did not live. At The Dimension of Oneness you are, in every possible sense, the whole universe. You are IT! And so there is nothing to wonder about. Nothing to try to know. Nothing to try to understand. Nothing to do. Nothing to change. Nothing to forgive. Nothing to heal. It all just IS. And it is all YOU. Greg: What can one do with that information? For myself I have two different responses. First my heart leaps with joy. I absolutely love this. I can’t get over how things that I have taken to be spiritual truths are coming together in this stuff you are now sharing with me. It is simply astounding and very beautiful. It makes me happy to think that this is true. And that is great. But then my head chimes in and say “no”. There are people here on earth getting up to some pretty funny stuff. And I don’t mean funny as in humorous. And, well... I’m not sure I want to be them very much. Spirit Guide: I comprehend perfectly. But, my dear friend, isn’t it then perfect? You don’t have to do any of those things or make any of those choices because someone else is already taking care of that for you. You are free to get on with the life you want to live thanks to them. Greg: I thought there is no "someone else" in existence when you reach the dimension of oneness. Isn't that right? Spirit Guide: That’s right. But here now is an additional level of understanding. Not only are you released from the need to do these other things but, indeed, when you are finally ready, after your long and winding journey all the way up through the dimensions, then you will finally arrive at the remembrance that indeed it was all you. And in that remembrance will also come perfect comprehension. Not only did you do all of these things but you will, in that moment, know exactly how it came to be that you did what you did. Perfect knowledge with perfect compassion will yield perfect bliss. Greg: Yes. I feel what you are saying in my heart. Thank you for that. So then, what does such a being DO? I mean what is it like to be a whole universe? Spirit Guide: Everything. Nothing. It depends on your perspective. There is no real way to answer that question. Such a being does “the universe”, in so much as the universe needs any doing. Maybe a better answer is to say that It dreams. And you are Its dreams, all of you. Greg: And you? Spirit Guide: Why, yes! I am a part of this being’s dream and I am also dreaming this dream. But I am also aware of myself elsewhere, outside of this particular dream, playing parts in utterly different dreams. In due course you will awaken to the complexity of that awareness of yourself, too. But that is an entirely different conversation. Greg: Okay. What dimension do you perceive yourself as residing at? Spirit Guide: You know, we are all actually that supreme, dimension of oneness, being. There where this whole universe and everyone and everything is One – THERE we are that being. But you see, implicit in that fact is the understanding that there is only one such being experiencing itself as being many, many beings who are experiencing themselves as existing in many different states of consciousness in these dimensions within the mind of The One great being. Greg: I think I get what you are saying. We are all that being and we are all part of it but obviously you could not be all of it. No more than I could be. Spirit Guide: You know the funny thing is that we ARE actually, each of us, all of it. We are each The Dimension of Oneness Being. But we are very hard at work creating a very powerful illusion that we are not. The illusion is called “separateness”. It is the ego. It is the idea that we are not one being. It is the identification with our creations rather than our truest being, which is oneness. If we were to change our identification and let go of all of these illusions then we would each see that we are one, that we are in fact THE One. That there is nothing but Self everywhere you look. Greg: It’s a paradox. I like it and it seems true but I also don’t understand it. Spirit Guide: You are right, it is a paradox. Many of the greatest truths will be paradoxical to you. Seeing such paradoxes are a sign that you are travelling quite fast on the awakening path. Your whole life you have only seen one side of a coin. You thought that was all there was to the coin. Now you see the other side and your mind is confused but your heart says both views are true. The only way to resolve this paradox is for you to come to full realization of the coin. You will come to see that it is not a thing with two different sides but indeed an object with depth, weight and texture that you can experience in many more ways than just the two sides you have now discovered. My best advice is to enjoy these paradoxes as they come up. It is a good sign that you encounter them. It means new insight is on its way. But let me complete the answer to your question. We are The One playing a game of hide-and-seek with Ourself. You are a part of The One that has chosen a corner of the third dimension to hide yourself in. I stand at the cusp, on the very lintel, between the 7th and The Dimension of Oneness. I am at a place where I am suddenly becoming aware of myself as being everywhere and in everything. I am therefore right there with you in 3D, too. This dawns upon me as the new truth that I am busy awakening to. I know I truly and ultimately am and as that which I am longing to experience myself to be. Being at one with All That Is, is my desire and my destination. Very soon I will awaken from my slumbers here in the 7th dimension of existence and I will know that there is no separation. I will know experientially my true nature. As you and everyone and everything eventually will. And this brings me right back to the dimensions. You will notice I have chosen to describe them to you in quite a personal way. I spoke to the way you might experience them directly. I did not try to tell you conclusively what each dimension really IS, rather I told you a little of how you might experience yourself if you resided at that dimensional level. To try to describe the dimensions themselves is not actually possible. Each being will experience them slightly differently and some will experience them radically differently. And it is only when you are ready to know that all experiences are equally true, equally valid and that all experiences ARE your experiences that you will have the full, final comprehension of what each of the dimensions are. And then, of course, you will be The Dimension of Oneness Being. February 15th, 2022.

What I'm pointing to is that the deeper your self love becomes, the less unnecessary problems you will face. It doesn't mean there won't be challenges. True bliss is not dependent on circumstance. If you love working on a problem, and the problem gets solved, what happens to your sense of fun then ?

@Wilhelm44 What's the difference between the fun of solving a problem and bliss?

Bliss is more fun

@Prakhar “Man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth.“ “Every thought-seed sown or allowed to fall into the mind, and to take root there, produces its own, blossoming sooner or later into act, and bearing its own fruitage of opportunity and circumstance. Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bad fruit.“ “Act is the blossom of thought, and joy and suffering are its fruits; thus does a man garner in the sweet and bitter fruitage of his own husbandry.” “As the reaper of his own harvest, man learns both by suffering and bliss.” “By pursuing this process, a man sooner or later discovers that he is the master gardener of his soul, the director of his life.” - As a man Thinketh- James alllen

This shit was funny as hell, I can’t. I’m loving this ’extra’ non-bullshit, straight to the point vibe from ya. Go Leo! P.S. You have probably thought about this a bunch already but maybe now, seriously, consider taking a break from this public work and just bask in your own high vibrational energy, bliss and satisfaction for a while. Enjoy life a bit, won’t ya

Watch Sadghuru please. Guys we have to stop this victimhood mentality towards the Monster (or inner Child, which is an eufemism of the Monster to protect itself ?). Sadghuru says It pretty clear imo: "What has happened is that your intelligence has turned against you" "If you had the controls of this machine, wouldnt you create the best possible bliss for yourself?" Imagine Sadghuru crying like a bitch hoping to finally "heal his inner Child" muahahhaha its just ridiculous guys. We are NOT the inner Child. We are not whatever fucked Up bullshit mechanism has taken the controls through the years. Just take the controls and generate / create What you want. YES, its obviously better said than done, But no, lets stop feeding this narrative of "i have to take Care of "my" inner Child"). Sadghuru would laugh of having to heal any inner Child. He just get high AF when he wants because he has the controls. Hes not the Monsters bitch, as many of us are.

@Raptorsin7 Is that you? @Baum Could you please elaborate on that? Yes, my kundalini isn’t awake to the degree you are describing it (complete awake in the third eye & crown chakra). There are three knots in the spine and the first one has been untied (kundalini can flow up to the heart knot). Will do a detailed post soon but I basically have the typical kundalini arousal symptoms (orgasmic sensations & heat in the spine, uncontrollable laughter, love, bliss, etc.) Makes sense, thanks!

@Javfly33 The monster- your negative thoughts, beliefs, habits and behaviors come from your subconscious mind. Which controls 90% of your brain. While your conscious mind (will power, decision making) controls 10%. Your subconscious mind starts developing in young childhood where you start to gather ideas, beliefs, habits and behaviors from experiences and things you observe around you from parents, friends, family members etc. This is what forms who you are as a person. This “monster” you are labeling is you, your inner child. We are our worst enemy but we can also be our own best friend. This inner child doesn’t need to be destroyed or hurt…it needs love, to heal, to let go, to be forgiven! Your inner child needs to heal- it can take time and is a multi-step process. Going to a hypnotist helps! Unraveling the negative feelings and where they are rooted from and how they started. Most negative emotions are started from some sort of lack of self love or self worth. I like to think of my emotions as a compass. The goal is to feel happy, peace, love and bliss- going in the right direction. And if you aren’t feeling well, unhappy, negative - something needs to be changed and shifted. I honor my negative emotions for letting me know what I don’t want, so I can go after the things in life I do want. These emotions are a guide that you deserve something better. Learning to control negative emotions can help. Deep breathing to calm down helps me alot. Find a technique that works for you- exercise, yoga, meditation, etc. Negative emotions can also be triggered by food intake as well. Junk food does not help, and can induce issues for some individuals. I found out several years ago I was allergic to wheat gluten and corn, which causes my thyroid to shut down and unable to process emotions properly. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar for years because of something I ate. You are not alone in what you are experiencing. Everyone here in this forum has their own inner monsters/inner child’s they are healing. Be patient and kind with yourself when you are healing. You will get there! Best of luck to you!

It includes them as what they are: projections of your mind. Bliss/terror Alone/together Both tend to arise together. It's gonna freak you out when you realize your mother is imaginary. Hard to avoid that. Once you face and surrender to that, then the love and bliss comes.

@Leo Gura it's interesting you say the higher you go the more alone you are. The seperation when in duality causes a sense of lonliness when you perceive yourself as seperate you feel alone. In my experiences I felt less lonely or that wasn't ever on my radar as I was so caught up in the experience. Seeing all as cells within one body. I too have had terrifying experiences where it felt like nothing was real I had one experience multiple times from just smoking weed where I felt like I went back to the "beginning" silence and a feeling of going from orgasmic bliss to utter terror. Like I was coming together just to be broken apart into tiny little pieces I "knew" this was eternity. My body would go into random yogic positions and I couldnt grasp onto anything I felt like I was dying. I felt unholy and dirty. I also asked this question many times to people who have had these experiences of becoming the void or becoming love/God and they all say there is no loneliness whatsoever. One person described it as feeling as if she had been washed clean. I wonder why you don't make that distinction between aloneness and lonely? This is why I like talking with people who have had near death experiences or awakenings that weren't brought on my psychedelics they seem to have a cleaner feel to them with less fear. I sense you have a hard time with the alone feel and almost want to hammer it in to other people.

learn to love the work or practice. too much love for practice can paralyze u and no love at all can make u hate the practice. there is a sweet spot of balance to how much u can love the practice or job. find it and do the practice or work with the correct balance of love when u push yourself always push within 5 % outside your comfort zone.when u push within 5 % outside your comfort zone , u will be in flow state , meaning u will be in a bliss when making the change. u will happy about pushing . if u do that then u will move form point a to point b without effort. means moving from over weight to 15 %body weight without effort. so always push within 5 % out of comfort zone and u will be happy and in deep bliss about u making the change

There’s a really weird peculiar type of awakening you can have. It’s where you see the entire supposed outer world as your very own reflection. So reflective that it can not be explained until experienced. You can’t look at the walls of your home, certainly not other people in the eyes and see anything other than yourself. So your ‘I’ becomes everything, all inward all outward seeming things. So it collapses in and of itself there’s nowhere to look nowhere to go other than just… well that’s an experience, but something that you probably can’t even call an experience. It just is what it is. Your ‘I’ so collapses in on itself that you realise you were never an ‘I’ but that you are the all, and then paradoxically you find yourself as the ultimate ‘I’, the only ‘I’, ant then what the fuck do ya do??‍♂️?. Here you are, doing this, being this. Until you give it up completely. It’s a choice. You don’t realise it’s a choice. But it is. And you choose the dream over the infinite bliss or however you want frame it. Your ‘I’ is the only ‘I’, hence ‘ I AM’

I DESIRE , BUT I CANNOT MATERIALIZE ALL MY DESIRE SO I SUFFER. I TELL MYSELF IF I CAN STOP DESIRING ALTOGRTHER MY SUFFERING WILL END, BUT TO NOT DESIRE IS OF ITSELF A DESIRE. THE DESIRER IS THE DESIRE, TO CEASE TO DESIRE WOULD BE TO CEASE TO EXTIST AS A CONSCIOUS SELF. THESE IDEAS OF LIBERATION FROM DESIRE ARE ONLY PROJECTIONS OF THE DESIRER, TO SIT UNDER A TREE IN NIRVANA, ETERNAL BLISS STILL HOLDS THE PRESUMPTION THERE IS A SELF THERE TO EXPERIENCE THAT BLISS BUT THERES NO ONE. THERE IS NO WAY OUT THAT INCLUDES ME COMING OUT ALIVE. Ofcourse this is just how I feel currently with my limited level of consciousness but people who've done more work than me can you explain the flaw in my thinking because I can't seem to solve this riddle. I know to some it might seem silly

You are not only one saying that "I'm GOD" , BUT you are the only one saying, that's scary, lonely, hard for stomach etc. Other teachers say only about love, bliss. So either they don't want to scare any spiritual pursuers away, and you are the only one saying it realistically, or something went wrong during your way.

Total bliss is what you fear most. You call it death. God's goodness will kill you.

But why is it so hard? The higher you are, the less ego you have, so the less amount of suffering there should be... and the more GOD-LIKE you become,t he more "love" you are, so shouldn't it be total bliss istnead of fear?

I am not here to be popular. You're not going to manipulate me that way. I could shut down Actualized.org tomorrow and you will never hear from me again. Enjoy it while I still bother putting in the energy to teach you guys. Eventually I will just retire into my own solipsistic bliss. I have zero need to teach anyone. I don't care about helping you in any other way than understanding. Understanding is the only thing I offer.

Is ignorance bliss or is ignorance suffering? Yesterday I was crossing a road on my daily walk. The road is a small junction onto a busy road and it's slightly uphill. There's always a car waiting to pull out of the junction, so people tend to cross behind the waiting car. If you drive a manual, then you know you have to keep good clutch control to stop the car rolling back down the hill before pulling away. Inevitably, there is a small amount of roll backwards. Enough roll to make contact with any pedestrians crossing immediately behind you. This in fact happened, and the pedestrian was slightly taken aback and glared at the driver in disgust. Who's at fault here? I'd say the pedestrian. His own ignorance caused him suffering, both in terms of being angry, but also the potential for being physically harmed. I'd like to think he's no longer ignorant. On the surface it seems that ignorance is a good strategy for living life. You only worry about the things happening in your immediate environment, and everything else is irrelevant or for somebody else to deal with. It allows you to be carefree and not be burdened worrying about things over which you have little control. We are all ignorant to greater or lesser degrees: we can't know everything. What about the things you ignore over which you do have control? The problem with ignorance is that you don't know what you don't know. It's possible there are many things you could do to reduce your suffering (e.g. keeping more space when cross behind cars), but you're unaware of them until something happens that brings them to your attention. This is how we all mature (by becoming less ignorant), we simply learn the hard way through experience and often by suffering. But the process of becoming less ignorant doesn't have to be completely passive. We can actively choose to reduce our ignorance, so that we can pre-empt and avoid future suffering. The main way to do this is through learning. I don't particularly mean formal learning such as a course in mathematics, but more informal curiosity driven learning. For example asking: why do cars roll backwards? And then doing a quick investigation. I would say that most people are not actively reducing their ignorance in this way. It all seems so frivolous and pointless. However, over time all these tiny reductions in ignorance amount to a big reduction in ignorance and potential suffering. The tiny learnings about how the world works often synergise with each other, and you end up with a deep understanding of things. This then affords you the ability to be strategic and actively avoid future suffering: you get X-ray vision and begin to see things others can't. To really deeply self-actualise you should actively and continuously choose to reduce your ignorance as much as possible. Ignorance is not bliss.

What is understanding? The recognition of one's self in things The recognition of self-similarity in things The recognition of love in things When I say "I understand you", what does it mean? It means I have imagined being you and experienced existence as you It means I have expanded/put away (a part of) my sense of self to include you in it. What about when I say "I understand how something works"? Let's say it is gravity What does it mean when I say "I understand how gravity works"? First, "I" is the understanding occurring to, I as a human being, for God do not need to understand, since God is already understanding all (Paradox, I am God) Second, gravity is defined as a concept in my experience of existence Third, "works" means I acknowledge the existence of this concept and how it functions in the logical systems of this universe. So it actually means: I acknowledge the defined/imagined concept/phenomenon of gravity as a part of this functioning universe I (as God) then create this concept in my existence But what if I don't understand it? It still exists. What is the difference between understanding it and not? For example, I have been trying to understand Voice Leading I know of its existence and its phenomenon But I have yet to define it. Or rather, my current definition of it feels incomplete or untrue I don't yet fully understand it. But I know it. What is the difference between understanding and knowing? Knowing is the acknowledgment of the existence of a concept/thing. Understanding is realizing the nature of that thing in existence. And the truest nature of all things is that they are God/self. So the deepest understanding is the realization of God in things. And the moment you realize that, you also realize your own nature. Thus that thing, from an existential point of view merges with you into one. So really understanding can be defined as: **The process of conceptual unification.** We may understand things in different degrees and depths And they are all pointing towards the absolute truth. And since the absolute is infinite, we may continue this process for infinity. And thus you may also define it as: **The process of self-recognition/self-realization/self-identification/self-unification** This is true, but it also reaches the level of absolute to the point that it now defines existence. Existence is the process of self-recognition/self-realization/self-identification/self-unification Existence is understanding Understanding is existence Understanding is God This is why you can understand God, but you can't know it. You understand what God is when you understand what understanding is. (Strange loop) Knowledge is defined/confined by existence and experience. What we define as knowledge is information/concepts that we've created/experienced through our senses. Without experience, there won't be any knowledge or knowing, since there will be nothing to acknowledge. But God is beyond (including) existence, thus you can understand God by becoming one with it. Once you unify with it you reach the deepest/truest nature of that thing/yourself/God. It is a recognition, not an acknowledgment, since you've always been it, you simply forgot. Recognition: The remembering of self Acknowledgment: The conceptualization of existence The second definition of understanding is more fundamental than the first. What is a concept? A concept is imagined Conception can equal to imagination Thus conception = creation Thus conception = existence Existence is a concept, That which God/infinity conceptualized/created (Strange loop) Thus we can redefine understanding as: **The process of existence/creation/God unifying with itself.** Thus when I say God is in the process of understanding itself I mean, God is the process of understanding and it is understanding and it is... (Infinite strange loop) It all just is... Back up a few levels of abstractions: From the human perspective, understanding seems to be associated with the mind What is the mind? The mind is the conceptual self The body is the physical/experiential self The soul is the fundamental self Beauty is experiential unification Understanding is conceptual unification Being is Spiritual unification (in process) Pleasure is physical unification Happiness is emotional unification Bliss is Spiritual unification (in actuality) What is the difference between experience and concept? Experience is a higher abstraction Concept is more fundamental Concept can exist "before" experience Conception leads to creation, creation then leads to experience (Strange Loop) Experience is a subset of conception/creation For God, all concepts are created and explored Conception is a subset of God/self/infinity So why do I desire to be understood? I can see the true nature of others, but they can't see the true nature of me/themselves. What I desire is actually to unify with them conceptually, As a creation of existence to recognize that we were/are conceptually one being. Why do I experience human emotional pain when I fail to create understanding? (Even tho it is very mild and only from those whom I wish to understand) 1. Because I alone understand the truth 2. The sense/illusion of separation gets intensified 3. The desire is not fulfilled The truth is, there is no one to understand, or that we all already understand, we are already what we are. But this conceptual existence is designed for us to have the imagined experience of separation and unification (love) We designed the process of this function so that we can experience this love. I have this desire because I wish to experience this love. But the process is designed to maximize the impact of this experience. Thus there are those who cannot yet understand (or pretend to be that way as a human) I need to recognize that this too is a part of infinite love. And continue to follow my heart and be a part of God/existence. It is funny if you understand, how all these people are convincing themselves that they are not what they are, how they (we) are playing this game while their true self knows full well how everything is. Like actors shooting a scene. The sense/illusion of separation (aka the ego) (or the lack of it) is a part of the design of this whole structure in order to intensify/maximize love. Unification won't feel satisfying until separation is experienced to the extreme (in infinite different degrees). It's all love... Thus we have unified with the concept of understanding... (strange loop)

1) Truth is everywhere. You don't need to go in a cave. 2) I'm not basking in bliss 24/7. And I still have cravings. The level of consciousness necessary to be in constant bliss is very difficult to make constant. If you were able to reach that point then you probably would just live in a cave because no material pleasure could match it. You will be lucky to glimpse Truth for a few minutes. Never mind making it your constant baseline state.

Muslims in general are good, decent, honest, kind, law-abiding people who want nothing but the best for their children and for their neighbours and country. Islam on the other hand i.e. the Quran is full of hatred for unbelievers and non-Muslims - almost 60% of the Quran is about denouncing the kufar and descriptions of the preparations of the hell-fires which will torture and consume all unbelievers for the rest of eternity while only Muslims (not sure if Shia, Sunni, Ahmadiya, Sufi??) will enjoy eternal bliss.

I'm happier than I have been in a very long time. I think part of that is just spending time with the kitten, just watching how beautiful she is, how agile, how intelligent. I love trying to decipher her behavior. Is that a domestic cat adaptation or an Asian leopard cat adaptation? I don't look it up very much because I prefer to just have my theories. I've been in a relationship since April. I haven't been in a relationship since getting sober. I actually have not accomplished all that much 2014-now. 2022. That's tough to acknowledge. In my mind, I like to tell myself that I needed "several" years to get myself together, but really, I wasted just about a decade watching cnn and msnbc on my mom and dad's couch. I just completely lost any hunger for life. I suppose it's good that this finally bothers me. We made a lot of progress in therapy. We talked about "learned helplessness". This might be over-simplifying it but I basically worked very hard academically. I didn't ever learn how to be happy until alcohol, and then after alcohol, I was lost. I really didn't think I was going to live much longer. I didn't want to. I was just in such a dark place for so long. It feels foreign to be making plans for the future again. To go from a 6-figure job to jobless and living with parents and losing the only coping skill I had was just so devastating. Not that my time in active alcoholism was some kind of perpetual bliss, but if nothing else, I got to feel alive intermittently back then. The relationship though. It's going very well. I moved in with him. He makes sure I take my meds. My past doesn't seem to scare him. I tried something different and actively tried to let him have the upper hand, lead, be the man of the house. I really am amazed how well it's been going. It couldn't have been this easy all along. Will it blow up in my face? I don't know. Most importantly, though, the more I get to know him, the more I realize what a solid human he is. The other huge realization I had is just how terrified I was to try my hand at writing. It's my talent, and yet, I never dared enter the arena. Instead, I sought "stability" in law. Why didn't I just go for it? I was terrified. I had an immigrant working class upbringing. I know what it's like to lack. I didn't want to lack again. The realizations can be painful, but I'm happy with my progress.

I see, glad to know what i shared didn't apply to you. Psychedelic therapy helped me tremendously with my depression and moving forward in life. There really isn't anything better that I know of. I know youre not looking for anything spiritual, but psychedelics can really help with depression and emotional "issues" more than anything else. Spirituality to me is just connecting with yourself and finding your own bliss, which is completely unique to you, so I wouldn't worry about that too much. You wouldn't even have to do therapy with them, just do some micro dosing or take a dose that feels right, comfortable, and isn't pushing yourself, then contemplate whatever is bothering you and that you want to change.

Names have been changed for the sake of privacy ---- Saturday, January 29th my son and I smoked 5-MeO-DMT in the form of toad venom I am a 60 year old man living in Los Angeles, in good health without significant disease. I am taking only thyroid hormone replacement and am not using any other herbs or supplements. I have a history of what would probably be called recreational psychedelic use stretching back to 17 years of age when I began experimenting with various substances including psilocybin, LSD, and mescaline. Usually these were taken in a party setting in conjunction with alcohol and later, often along with cocaine and methamphetamine, and although managing to shine through with some profound existential glow, they were not employed with the intent of formal spiritual quest other than that of absolute freedom. I am an alcoholic and have been sober since 1992. This includes all other drug and psychedelic compounds. Until recently. My son, Mason, with whom I share a deep connection, had also been sitting with various psychedelics since he was 16. While I was busy with work and raising his younger brothers and sisters, he was finding his way along the esoteric pathways of stoicism, hermeticism and the myriad ancient and resurgent wisdom traditions loosely aligned with nonduality. By this point I had been a rational material atheist for the majority of my life having grown disaffected and suspicious of the edicts, expectations, and explanations offered during my Catholic upbringing. This would change in a ten minute span. 3 years ago, Mason informed me he was thinking about extracting and working with N,N-Dimethyltryptamine (DMT). He asked me what I thought of it and, of course, I supported him. He perfected the extraction on his own, engaged with the substance, and would frequently report back the wild details of his travels. I asked him if he thought that I might benefit and he felt that I would. Despite some initial late life trepidation, my experience was transformative. In ten minutes I was shown there is a transcendent other; layers of etheric energy beings both within and without us, up through to the source of all creation, which is not separate from us. I was shown how life was a gift we were giving ourselves. That it is a game written in light. That there is nothing to worry about. Life and death are just part of the dream. And because everything unfolds in the service of love. We shared plant medicine both together and separately until, 3 months ago, the opportunity came to sit with a team offering 5meo DMT of the Incilius alvarius variety. Our experience together was deeply profound and reaffirmed the root truth of all mystical teachings. That we are all manifestation of the One loving intelligence. And that despite our seeming struggles, we are always safe. Always peaceful. Eternal. Details of this encounter can be found in my son’s eloquent and moving trip report entitled “The Toad, 5-MeO-DMT Trip Report” After a 3 month period of integration we were called to sit with the medicine once again. I set an intention for the service. Surrender. My first encounter had been quite gentle, having no memory of the rapid come up until I was revealed as pure loving presence. This time I hoped to be able to face the unnamable such that I might lose myself more consciously into it. ---- In a short period of time we found ourselves back in the arms of our loving team. Jeremy, which also happens to be my name, Alicia, and Luna. The ceremony was, again, to be held at Luna’s warm and inviting home which sits in natural organic resonance on the cliffs over the ocean. “What do you think about doing a meditation dose to begin with”, Jeremy asked both Luna, Mason and I together?. I am always nervous prior to both plant and toad medicine ceremonies and this seemed like a good way to relax into the experience. “Just a little handshake to focus on the breathing and center the heart”, Jeremy said. “You’ll be aware throughout”. “Some people don’t feel the need to go further in afterwards so we will check in with you after a few minutes“. The sun had just set. The two great west facing windows stare like eyes, out over the steely ocean. Orange, red and yellow stained glass shards of light dancing on the surface, out into the infinite. ---- My son and I were cleansed with sage and Florida water. Seated cross-legged in meditation position side by side on soft floor mats adorned with the visage of Ganesha. As I had been served first previously, Mason would begin tonight. He was offered and received the small dose via the eclipse vaporizer in one inhalation without disturbance in his peace or posture I was offered the medicine and received it in kind. Immediately my inner and outer world became a cathedral of shadowed silver latticework. My heart quickened and I focused on my breathing. There was the knowing of a great power just beyond my senses. Ancient. Aware. I fought the urge to fall backward into it, wanting to save my surrender for the breakthrough dose. Rather than being a gentle handshake, my ego was on high alert, sensing its perilous position. I considered not continuing further but soon was aware of my son, standing, folded hands holding the medicine close to his heart and reading the prayer from the card before him. We were both to take the medicine standing and to fall back into the arms of our guides as the substance took hold. Music came up. Soft and supportive. First two deep practice breaths and then. One. Long. Gentle. Inhale. Deep into the diaphragm. Arms being assisted out and up over his head. Then, falling back into the cradle of life. There was some initial hushed busying around him. Pillows to support. Arms into surrender pose. The silence was broken by a scream. “Jesus!” Mason yelled in utter astonishment. The sound was of a man facing the unthinkable. “Jesus!. He sat up, bending at the waist and met by the tender, silent care of our attendants. Then, “Jeremy! ” Mason shouted. I froze, stunned by the invocation of the name; both mine and that of our shaman. Two more times, “Jeremy!” “Jeremy!” By this point I am sobbing softly to myself. Partly because my son is calling me and I will claw through heaven and earth to find him. Mostly, though, I am crying because I know. He is staring at the face of God. "Jai!" (victory) "Jai! " (victory) I look at Luna worriedly but she places a hand on her heart and shakes her head, no. “Just keep meditating”, offers Alicia in a whisper. In a moment he is at peace, remembering who he is. ---- Now it is my turn. I stand up, a little shaken. “I’m anxious,” I whisper to Alicia. “It's normal “she smiles. They are moving me forward with steady reassurance. “Hold the medicine between your palms and read this aloud”. “Will this be like before? “, I ask Jeremy. “Oh yeah!” he reassures. It will be beautiful. Alicia will serve. Jeremy will catch. “Hold the medicine close to your heart”. I read the prayer out loud. “I accept that the joy that I have longed for is already in my life" "I accepted the love for which I have prayed is already within me..." The first two practice breaths, then one long slow deep inhalation. “More”. “More”. “A little more”. “Good, now hold!". The features of the room become defined by the same, silver lattice energy. Then, POP! Arms now outstretched like bird wings I fall back into oblivion. I am aware of being safely caught, lowered and positioned on the ground. Then it comes. Not in images so much, but as an energetic presence bearing down fast. I begin to feel my body, my sense of self, unraveling. Suddenly it is upon me. Unimaginable beauty, unfathomable complexity, unbearable power and infinite expanse. Roiling like the sun. Shape-shifting into impossible dimensionality. It is light beyond seeing. Presence beyond boundary. It is taking me apart one atom at a time and it is demanding my surrender. There is an emotion different from fear. An existential dread. There is no previous similar experience with which to measure and compare. I have been deposited directly into the heart of the unmanifest, preconditional, thermonuclear everything generator, and unrelenting grist mill of reality. And I am resisting. It is like holding back an exploding star, though, and soon there is not enough left of me to distinguish. In a heartbeat, there is complete obliteration of self, and annihilation of all subject object relationships. I scream at the top of my lungs. A scream of resignation. An offering of energy. The final exhalation/exaltation. The acceptance of death. I am gone. In my place is a unification with, and as, all of the unbridled, roaring, infinite power of unmanifest being. With the collapse of space/time comes omnipotence, omnipresence, omniscience. Immediate understanding of everything that has ever been. And of why. Which is, of course, the expression of unconditional love. But not love as a desire. Not love as a stroll with a lover through a Parisian garden. Not even as love between mother and child. But love as a locomotive tearing up the tracks of conceptualization and judgement. Love as recognition and celebration of the glory of its own unfathomable, miraculous being. A power that calls itself into manifestation, expressed as infinite distinctions, dancing through relationships. Impossible to experience as a “me” or a “you", yet present in contracted form, as all things. Each particle of perfection plotting its path home. Sometimes this looks like suffering. Sometimes this looks like bliss. Each distinction giving birth to and informing its opposite until they meet, surrendering their separateness, collapsing, liberated in the heart. Just as we must inevitably surrender our distinctions. Our opposing qualities. Life and death. This is a gift from you to you. A game of losing and finding. Sleeping and waking. Forgetting and remembering. What is asked is the surrender of everything. What you get in return is yourself. ---- At last, fully surrendered I became it Completely free "I'm so happy" it said through me. Not as a statement of experience, but as an expression of its essence. That happiness is simply what we are once all fear is gone. "I'm so happy" we continued, "I'm so happy" “I’m so happy” I became aware that I was sobbing Fighting the urge to get up now I allowed myself the gift of fingerpainting with my mind, the details of reality. I looked into, and became my wife. I saw her goodness, beauty and strength. I saw how we had created each other and felt her love for me as real and pure. And began to weep again. I started moving in and out of all of the people I have known, friends, family, and even public figures: Jesus, Hitler and such… to know myself as them. To demystify and de-monster-fy them in shared humanness and divinity. As the medicine lay me back gently Into my body Into my life I held onto the deep knowing, that there is nothing, and has never been anything, but the one self, which manifests as this dream of doing and being. A living that can never be threatened. Always both lover and beloved, dancing together alone. “There is no power but you” came the silent wisdom “There is no power but you!” I yelled. Then two more times “There is no power but you!” “There is no power but you!” The simple truth of it was undeniable "This time I'm going to bring it back", I said, "But they're never going to believe me" “they’re never going to believe me” “they’re never going to believe me” Now back in my body, I considered my predicament. All of manifest reality, from God to God particle telescoping up and down, nested and interpenetrating through me, as me. I thought about the everyday worries that I had dragged with me into this space. "I surrender," I whispered out loud. And was released.