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About Matt23

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  • Birthday 06/05/1992

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    Vancouver, BC, Canada
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  1. Check out these guys. Basically, they took MBTI, said "we're gunna science the shit out of it and see if we can actually track data", created their own very specific definitions for their terms, and created a specific binary checklist they go through to type people. Their goal is to get personality typing accepted into the scientific and university cultures. They have like 512 or something subtypes to the original MBTI 16. They get videos from people and go in separate rooms to type the same person. Out of the 512 subtypes, they say they've gotten the same type around %85 percent of the time and have so far typed like 4000 people I think. They have a website and tons of YT videos if you're interested.
  2. If it feels healthy, do it. See how it goes. Healthy vs. Unhealthy suffering. Cold showers vs. Guilt and physical pain from eating too much today. I suppose anything unhealthy suffering can also be seen as healthy as well since it may lead you to change and grow in the end... It all be perspective I suppose. Maybe getting clear on why you want to do it is the wisest way to determine whether you should do something or not. And feeling and seeing if that motivation seems healthy or unhealthy, positive or negative, coming from love or fear/hate.
  3. Obviously it's relative. But for shits and giggles, I'm gunna say... The habit of bringing awareness to what is happening right now; externally and internally. Just being able to go through life, getting knocked around, losing consciousness of what you're doing and what's happening and just going on auto, and then being able to reset and get back on track with awareness and slowing doing and being more aware of what you're doing so you can catch yourself if you're doing something out of alignment and then adjusting and realigning from there. But it starts with knowing you're out of alignment.
  4. Try seeing how much you draw the conversation back to yourself when with others or how many times you use the word "I" in convos. Likewise see how interested you are in others' when in conversations and ask them things or say things that don't bring the convo back to yourself or say things that make you seem better than, trying to impressive, be funny, etc., to a degree that's often and which can be off-putting. You might start to see people like move away from the conversation and not keep the convo going if this is the case. I think I notice this a lot with myself. Lack of concern or love or appreciation for others, and if there is, it's mostly a superficial concern that's just meant to "get you by" socially and ultimately make you look good and acceptable to others. Also, strangely something that I think gets missed in discussions about narcissism, is a deeper insecurity in oneself. I've recently been watching some videos on narcissism and borderline personality disorders (some are starting to think these are on the same spectrum along with histrionic personality disorder), and I think several experts in the field mentioned something about how often narcissistic behaviors and traits are really just a cover to protect a deeply vulnerable ego-structure underneath, and that even in therapy when successfully treating narcissism there's a sequence that goes from narcissistic -> dependency with the therapist (unveiling the insecure core) --> to hopefully a stronger and more secure ego-structure. If one doesn't feel lovable, perhaps from wounds as a young child, then that core lives on and the person thinks their true ego-structure isn't acceptable to others, so they build a facade (a 'persona') which is designed to build themselves up in a false way, thus protecting themselves from their deep feelings of inadequacy and unlovability. Quite interesting. Also consider there to be different degrees of narcissism. Ranging from healthy (being able to set firm boundaries for oneself, have ambitious goals, love oneself for oneself in a healthy way, etc.) all the way to pathological narcissism where the person actually gains some pleasure in hurting others and misinterprets reality and others (often in negative ways). Other signs: Few close relationships (trouble maintain any close relationship), and many superficial relationships. Mental health issues. Fears of being humiliated. Seeing others as either better or worse than you; constant comparison without equality. Probably a sense of emptiness/drained/lack of meaning and lack of a full and satisfying sense of self. -- maybe. Here's a vid:
  5. I tend to agree. I hope it's better.
  6. I totally get this and am in favor of it. It's just that I've been doing and "starting" with this basic stuff for sooooooo long, years, and feel I'm not getting anywhere fast. So I'm getting pretty fucking frustrated. There's a point when doing the basics doesn't work after doing it for so long and nothing significant is happening, it's time to say "Ok, this isn't looking right. I think something deeper is happening and I need a lot more intensive help than just mantras, diet, exercise, socializing, etc. This issue is stronger than that." In all fairness, I do feel a decent level of baseline improvement and goodness over the past few years. A subtle yet satisfying thing. Still, it seems like something more is going on than just the regular self-help basics (again, I'm not condemning those things either. I find them helpful). Ya, I saw it. I liked it I think. Cheers. It's amazing how stubborn some things can be. Ya, I do get this sense just with the label "illness" of badness and just this whole social-mental stigma and negative association with it. It's like we need whole knew words and labels to use and frame these phenomena to make people feel more positive and less awful about these things. True. I think of all the times I've considered myself to fit the bill for one of the diagnostic categories, this time BPD actually feels positive and relieving. I've even started to just ignore all the more chronic and disruptive negative emotions and thoughts. Chalking them up to BPD. It's like a weight lifted; no more need to constantly "deal" with all these emotions and thoughts etc., it's like I can just rest and be like "Phew... man... it's not "real" or "me", it's just BPD so I can relax and let it go easier." I dunno if I explained it quite right. Maybe it's healthy or not. Dunno. Either way, I do feel more cmoforted and like I can get more help and understanding and support etc., cuz for most of my life I've felt like explaining this stuff is so complicated and I can't get others to see what's happening, gain sympathetic support (healthy; as in I've felt like I can't really ask for extra support and people wouldn't help me in that way since I've assumed that what I experience is just normal and regular and haven't had a label/disease to point to to be like "Hey! I do need some extra help here yo!", even though I go through a tremendous amounts of stress, emotional dysregulation, and relational vulnerabilities). Aaaannnnyyyywhoo. Ya, double-edge. But I've put off getting a diagnosis from fear of possible negative consequences for a long time now, and feel that this would be a positive thing. So maybe it's time to just bite the bullet and see what happens. Assuming I even get a diagnosis, let alone a BPD one.
  7. Ya, seems like a wise bet to go small as possible. I think I might have slightly different issues (yours being more anxiety based if I'm hearing correctly). I think I might be on the Borderline side of things, which deals with a whole host of symptoms, anxiety included. I'd be interested to see what medications they recommend for that. Though, I also hear that the mainstream view and treatment of Borderline disorders is that it's a developmental-attachment based disorder and requires intensive treatment which includes medication, not only getting counselling but having a team, and skill building (relational and emotional regulation skills, etc.). So it seems like quite a biatch to tackle. But better than not doing so I suppose Though, again, I am only diagnosing myself so, I dunno. Could be way off. Did you try any non-pharmaceutical medicines like herbs, mushrooms, or supplements? All valid. I suppose it's all about how one "holds" the labels etc.. Even if the counsellors are well aware of and speak of these labels with their clients in terms of "This is only a label to help us determine the best treatment for you. It's not that we're saying 'You' are this." I can still imagine myself identifying with it and even using it as an excuse to let myself "slide" a bit on my personal growth.
  8. Did you manage to get of it afterwards? What was that process like? Or are you still on it and feeling it's a positive thing? True. Maybe that's part of why I dislike it. On the other hand, it can drive treatments that work and receive better help.
  9. Fair. Maybe all those things with identifying with the diagnosis are already things I believe about myself, or are just defenses to stop me getting one. Cheers
  10. Ya... more options needed. Also... this assumes people know their center of gravity. As they talk about, it's not something easily see for oneself. Like I doubt there's 8 people on this forum who would take part in this questionnaire who would be at a Stage Yellow center of gravity. There's also the assumption are even centers of gravity, which has been debated.
  11. Over the last few days, I'm just really seeing how shitty and disruptive my experience has been. Emotionally, relationally, employment, thoughts, suicidality, general stability, etc.. I know everyone says to not diagnose oneself and to get a professional who's experienced in the field to diagnose you, which I totally agree with. But recently I've been looking into Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), specifically one of the 4 subtypes therein called something like the "Depressive" type, and have just felt and thought that like ya, I mean I feel/think it would help a lot perhaps and explain a lot of my history and experience. It seems to just fit somehow. I guess I'm suspicious, like a subtle non-excited suspicion, that hey, maybe I do have some sort of BPD or could relatively easily get that diagnosis if I went to someone who's and expert in that field. Whether mental illness is an actual thing, I don't think I agree with on an ultimate level (even as in like there are no independent things--- Buddha style). As in, from my knowledge, mental health disorders are just labels placed upon patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. So whether or not there's some "solid" thing called BPD or Depression or Bipolar is up to debate and interpretation. But as far as getting a diagnosis to inform treatment and help, maybe I could get that and maybe it would help. I can already feel the feeling of being a certain medical thing... some "sick" thing that comes with those labels. "Illness" "Disorder" etc... I feel that badness from them... from thinking and believing I am those things. I've held off on getting a diagnosis cuz something just feels bad about that. Something feels bad about the whole scientific and diagnostic way and culture for mental health. Like, I dunno what it is. Maybe part of it, or the majority, is feeling like if I get a diagnosis, then I'll take that on as an identity and become trapped inside of that and even start to "be" that diagnosis. Another reason why I've held off seeking a diagnosis is because I fear it may limit my ability to participate in certain things. Things like psychedelic ceremonies and retreats, meditation retreats, and god knows what else. I can also see it influencing how others treat me and interact with me and see me, such that they may treat me differently and thus I'll eventually take on how they're treating and seeing me. I'm wanting to know your experiences and/or opinions on getting mental health diagnosis for specific disorders. If you've had one and could go back in time, would you do it again? What were the drawbacks and what were the benefits? Obviously the main benefit I can see is that it can help drive and inform support. Whether that's stuff like governmental mental health support or things like getting a better idea on what specific therapies could be most helpful. Let me know. Cheers
  12. Doesn't that imply that people have a choice to awaken or not? That goes against some things I've heard about the process. Like, you can't will yourself to awaken. All you can do is create the conditions to increase the chances that you do. Like meditating on retreats and doing psychedelics. They'll increase the odds you'll awaken the more you do them, but in the end, it's not like a choice you make where you say "Ok, I'm gunna do it." It's more of just a thing that spontaneously happens. Though, again, I have no idea.
  13. Ya. I literally have no fucking idea why you're so caught up on the woman thing or why you're making that assumption. Seems like it's coming from your own stuff. As someone who's gay, I gotta tell you, I feel more comfortable living with woman than I do with men. That makes sense. I am fucking tired of doing this... of living with so much stress. And moving again just creates more of it. Always trying to find new places to live n such. It's a fucking headache making all these decisions. Maybe I'm just so used to stress that it's where I feel normal and am used to it. Like that's my homeostasis. Fair as well.