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This makes absolutely no sense. There is a reason people pursue enlightenment to begin with, a great deal of it is because their lives are not so perfect.....at all. Take Eckhart Tolle for example, he was on the brink of suicide and had severe depression before he woke up.

@Terell Kirby Sounds like you're just trying to bully people into suicide. I was born with brain damage and I had to spend years working on eye contact, selective mutism, etc. I promise you that when I was at the peak of this medical trouble that I was by no means a "pussy" even though I might have been deemed such by neurotypical people who were judging me on my abilities relative to normal functioning. Anxiety and awkwardness tend to be biological obstacles. It's a much more complex issue than just making people feel bad so that they magically develop new skills that are beyond their current programming. You're just a douche.

now you can make a bunch of stuff up but if you look at the situation clearly you will see that there is nothing more to you currently than your body which is producing your experience. You can't escape your body unless you commit suicide. You can only change it and even if you don't change it, then it will naturally change by itself until body death is reached. beyond that nobody really knows what happens. So seeing that you will be your body until you die and if you are fairly young then you have along way to go its best to take good care of it. or you can call it imagination. I wonder if that will result in a good life

This is the end of the forum for me.. How much worse can it really get? I mean this comment does it for me Like Leo is telling some random woman on the forum to go kill herself if she feels like she can't get a date. Wait what??? Wtf??? This is something. I'm not even going to respond to his comments but I feel bad for the woman who asked the question. How can a forum like this and the forum founder encourage a forum newbie to commit suicide? Wtf? How toxic is this forum? I don't want to give the benefit of the doubt to Leo that he simply made an autistic comment where he simply slipped up without having any social cues. I'm beginning to think that Leo is not as innocent as he tries to show. He is acting creepy. This is not to be pushed under the rug. This wasn't a flippant comment especially given the context that the woman was feeling suicidal. It shouldn't be dismissed. He really meant lt I feel like puking. Can't take it anymore I mean that woman is suicidal. It feels like half the forum is suicidal and the advice is just not proper. I'm suicidal as well. A couple of days back a mod was suicidal. I'm so done with this place. It's not the suicide thing that hurts. It's the advice given to suicidal people on this forum that can actually make them even more suicidal I feel. This is just gross psychological abuse in my opinion.

Modern warfare can be an extremely difficult issue to research. There is often a lot of one sided propaganda that it makes it difficult to find accurate information. Furthermore, wars are hectic and it forces people to act from incomplete information. Nevertheless, I have identified some factors which cause wars, which wars are necessary, and which can be prevented. In the modern world, some of the causes of war include the fear of nuclear weapons, energy crises caused by disputes over oil, climate change induced droughts, and ISIS insurgencies. Most of these factors are preventable, but when factions like ISIS occupy large amounts of territories and destabilize regions like Syria, Iraq, Libya, and Somalia foreign intervention is often forced. The first strategy for preventing wars is for the United nations to agree to a universal ban on nuclear weapons. The United States made a serious mistake when the invasion of Iraq began because of the fear of weapons of mass destruction. The weapons did not exist, but Colin Powell was still effective in manufacturing consent for the invasion. In order to prevent mistakes like these from happening again, a universal ban on nuclear weapons could alleviate international tensions. This would also prevent events like the red scare, which could be caused by very powerful nations competing to control land and resources. The second strategy for preventing war is to switch to renewable energy. Since the 1970's some countries in the middle East like Saudi Arabia set up oil boycotts against the United States. These oil shocks caused energy crises which lead to skyrocketing gas and oil prices. This lead to countries from around the world competing for access to oil in the middle East. The clearest example of an international intervention caused by oil disputes was the gulf war. The gulf war took place in the early 1990's because of Iraq's attempt to control oil pricing through an invasion of Kuwait. If more countries switched to renewable energy, it is possible to decrease dependency on fossil fuels which caused these disputes. This is an extremely important step that will also help mankind to avoid water wars. Droughts are a significant factor in placing intense economic pressures on countries. For example, one of the contributing factors to the Syrian civil war was the worst drought in the history of Syria. In the future it is expected that water will play a bigger role in inciting international conflict. These droughts are linked to climate change which can be minimized through renewable energy. This can be accomplished through projects like building solar panels on the Sahara, providing energy for many different countries. This would make it possible to avoid economic recessions caused by energy crises, avoiding most wars in the process. The remaining wars which are hard to prevent are those caused by ISIS insurgencies. Currently, there is a U.S. Led coalition to defeat the insurgents in many different countries. A premature withdrawal of U.S. Troops could leave areas like Somalia and Syria vulnerable to future attacks at the hands of ISIS and other dangerous factions. One of the reasons these factions exist is because people like Osama bin Laden wanted revenge against the United States for all the war crimes the nation caused throughout the cold war. Osama bin Laden argued that the United States caused many events like 9/11 and he was justified in getting his revenge through these attacks. If the United States did not commit as many war crimes, maybe it would prevent people like Osama bin Laden from being radicalized to the point of threatening revenge through suicide attacks against the United States. One of the causes of American war crimes is the use of private military contractors in war zones. PMCs are not held to the same degree of accountability as U.S. Troops, but the incentive for using them is that they are cheaper and require less training. This enabled the torture of Iraqi civilians at the hands of PMCs as the U.S.dependency on PMCs expanded. The United States often used more PMCs than troops, like in Afghanistan by 2007. These trends have continued into 2019, and so long as PMCs are not held accountable, more people might seek revenge against the United for the war crimes committed. From what I have gathered it appears that many wars are preventable unless an intervention is called for to stop factions like ISIS from gaining territory. There are strategies for defeating ISIS, and based on the maps of their territory, ISIS has been in decline over the past decade. It seems that interventions against the groups are often successful and necessary to stabilize different regions. Although humanity may not be able to prevent all wars, it is certainly possible to prevent some of them through a ban on nuclear weapons and a transition to renewable energy while improving the accountability of PMCs to reduce war crimes and civilian casualties. By taking these steps humanity can make the world a safer place by preventing water wars and nuclear stand offs.

When you try to convince someone to not committ suicide you are just trying to convince that person to stay in hell. I would never do such a thing, that's for sure. But of course I don't tell people to kill themselves either.. But it's their decision to make..

Just endless suffering. Stop telling people to not kill themselves. It's not going to get better, so don't give false hope. Everyone and everything wants to hurt you as much as possible. You are brainwashed into thinking that you must live at all cost, that suicide is always wrong.

Instead of committing suicide, why don't you lie in a hammock between two trees on any beach, and wait to get old looking at the sky and the sea? In the end you will die anyway, there is nothing to lose or gain. I know that it's very difficult to lie in a hammock and look the sky and be happy, there is you creating unhappiness

@Muhammad Jawad Yes, I completely forgot I was a human. I mean, it’s very hard to describe this stuff. But essentially I discovered that I was never really a human to begin with. Ego death = complete destruction of your reality and you in that reality. So yeah, I was gone. I was something else entirely. I wasn’t even “I”. Yes, it literally felt like thousands of years… but this is difficult to answer. Time in the infinite realm and time in the relative realm work very differently. There isn’t really any linear time in the infinite realm. It’s more like the y axis of the present moment is extended to infinity. It didn’t take me days to recover use of my arms and legs etc. It took probably a couple of hours (of relative time) to fully regain control, although I was able to wobble around on jelly legs with some level of control after 20 minutes or so. My legs were actually moving without any conscious input whatsoever from me for a while. When I came around I was pacing in the corner of the room. At that point I was watching my human body doing it’s thing, but as a passive observer - not consciously connected to the body at all. As far as recreating reality on my return, there were actually three distinct realities it felt like I could have returned to. In one, I was in a hospital bed having tried to commit suicide (this never happened) after a very traumatic breakup (this did happen) ten years ago. In that reality, I was coming around from a coma and a family member was holding my hand. It felt real, but I was very disorientated at this point. As I lay in the hospital bed, other potential realities presented themselves. Through all of the different realities, the one consistency was that *someone* was holding my hand. I kept asking who was holding my hand as it kept changing every five minutes or so. Ultimately the reality I came back to was this one. The one where I’m now typing this Maybe I could have ended up somewhere else. I don’t really know. I can’t pinpoint any moment of choosing.

I'm a people pleaser, not everytime but enough to stop me from not caring of what others people think of me. What prevents me from being authentic, saying no, having an argument or reject someone that I don't want in my life is fear. (that's my opinion maybe I'm wrong) I fear the outcomes of my actions & my words. Since I'm a teenager or maybe even sooner, I manipulate people (mainly unconsciouly) to avoid them to become angry or judgmental with me. I think I adopted these mechanism because I was bullied for years, it went far and I even did suicide attempts. And maybe because of my mother & my stepfather who wasn't supportive and didn't listen to me, they were judging me negatively and I never felt adequate or loved. I see myself being inauthentic especially with girls that I'm attracted to. If I stop a girl that I'm attracted to, I feel insecure, I try to be polite, I can't be relax and I fear rejection or judgements from her. I can ask for a number when I'm interested but just before asking her number, I feel fearful and insecure and it prevents me from being relaxed or keeping a good vibe. I struggle too with keeping eye-contact with womens, I have thoughts like "if I watch her and smile to her, she will think of me as a desesperate needy guy trying to please her" and inside I feel like that, I try to please the girl I'm attracted & I feel bad for that because it communicates neediness. And being perceived as needy from a girl is what I don't want plus it is repulsive for women. After thinking about that, I was wondering; if I take courage; I go out and act like a douche on purpose. For example when I'm attracted to a girl as I talk to her, I say stupid things, I create ankward moments or I act like I don't care at all about her, would it leads to less people-pleasing & less fear to be judged ?

i agree with you before i knew about self help i was doing better . and about spirituality, i dont recommend anyone to go very deep into this path bcz it can be extremely scary like seriously scary that might make u go insane or commit suicide

seek awakening. When you are as fucked up as you say you are, you are cornered, there is no way out, things were twisted from the beginning and no matter how much you straighten them they will always seem crooked. When the idea of suicide crosses your mind, it is time to seek awakening. do your research, you are in the right place. If you awaken to your true nature, your problems will be fixed, since they will not be a problem.

Its brilliantly written, BUT Its one of those things depressed individuals with suicidal thoughts will read and might further convince themselves that suicide is the answer. Many people that come here are motivated not by curiosity but to escape their suffering. Which is why one must be careful when translating these insights into human language. Does Leo need to use the words "KILL" and "DEATH" as often to convey the highest ideal of love? How people interpret and act upon these insights might go in a manner in which Leo does not intend. Language offers us words that can convey the same meaning without the morbid connotation, like transience and impermanency for example.

52. High concious job or not doing it. 53. Awakening dick is bigger than yours. 54. Youtube premium subscription. 55. Life sucks. 56. Not using i, me, mine etc. In sentences. 57. Actually learning and growing each with his her own pace. 58. Weird eating/drinking habits. 59. Looking at post count and mod status. 60. Suffering 61. Loneliness 62. If you are not vaccinated you are stupid 63. Considered once in lifetime suicide 64. Bad parents 65. Mental illnesses 66. Offering advice I do regret writing this but whatever. It does belong to collective ego. Focusing on the negative doesn't do much good either. Actually most posts are worthless unless someone learns something. It really should be just do the work whatever that is for you and shut up. So i will shut up now to do my stuff and you go do your stuff.

This is exactly why Christians identify deeply with Jesus as the character of God and say that He is the truth, the way, and the life. That is the value is saying I am Christian because it clarifies what God means to an individual. And that is an important distinction you need to make for yourself. What is God? How does a person act and do when he is aligned with Truth? There is a need for that message to be communicated to someone who does not know God or may know someone who believes in God, but does weird crap like start a suicide cult. God is also identified and distinguished by what He is NOT. like the Neti-Neti method. This is probably why humans can't get away from Good and Evil, even if it is tied to Ego. For example, I could discuss with someone on the street what God is. We both may have an experience of what we perceive as "God" and yet receive two different messages. To Mark Chapman, 'God' spoke to him to kill John Lennon. To me, 'God' says to love someone is to love myself. Which message is 'right'? or another way to put it 'whole' The problem is that the word 'God' can mean different things to people and can create a lot of confusion. The only way to know what is true is to connect to direct experience because Truth is self-evident and deeper than what is captured through the scientific method. I believe Jesus to be the Son of God because his words and actions speaks to the deep humanity in me. But I only came to this conclusion by having personal revelations of God's Love and noticing that Jesus embodied these characteristics to the highest degree. You can still connect to Truth without all of the religions, but it is certainly a great pointer or fast track to Truth within yourself, which I do agree with others is in the Present Moment.

50th post on the Actualized.org forum! I watched Leo's video on how to realize you are God and I was left with something completely unexplainable. When I first watched the video I was left scared so I immediately stopped. The next time I watched the video, the beginning of it was not scary but actually, it was boring. Yeah yeah, I get it. I don't know how I got here, my past is an illusion, I already know these things. Still, I kept watching because I might learn some things. I'm glad I kept watching because Leo said something I never thought of. "Time does not exist." It was one hell of a thing to realize. Everything else started falling into place and I started entering into a different state of consciousness. I felt a lot of something that I simply just cannot explain with words. Every time I was thinking about me in an alternate universe or me going to prison or anything negative, I'd simply realize that's all just fantasy and I would immediately return back to the present moment. Because of this, I realized myself as God more powerfully than I could've ever imagined. At the end, Leo said something like "if you aren't sure you realized you were God, you didn't. You'd be real fucking sure if you did." I smiled because I knew exactly what he meant. This is it, this was what I was looking for. I might lose this state of consciousness but I know I can always watch the video again and return completely to this state or maybe only partially. Whatever the case may be, realizing you are God only once in your life is better than not realizing you are God at all in your life. I'd like to say this was the planned ending for this journal but this literally just happened to me today. I didn't know what the Hell I was doing watching all of Leo's videos and joining this forum. All I knew was that my mental illness was more than just a mental illness. Leo was really speaking to me. However, even after months of watching Leo's content I kept going up and down over and over again without any hope in sight. A part of me felt like I wasn't even ready for this work. I even became discouraged and cried at one of Leo's videos talking about how some people just aren't ready. Still, I knew I needed this in life. No matter how insane it got, I knew this was the exact thing I was looking for. I was looking for peace in the present moment. Now, I am more than just at peace in the present moment. I am the present moment. Thank you everyone in this forum and especially Leo for helping me actualize my life. I no longer feel like suicide is the best option and I'm willing to now embrace the moment, embrace the random, and embrace whatever may come. There's still many challenges left to face in life but I'm finally feeling like I'm moving up the ladder again. Thank you crazy thoughts for helping actualize my life. This is the benefits of losing touch with reality. These were the benefits of schizophrenia.

Sinking and sinking, ball after ball. Prior to thinking happening (blah blah _______). Echoes of anger struggling for recognition and expression, in conflict with my attention which seek further awareness through patience. Alimonies and ecclesiastical ceremonies are garbage mmmnnhhnhhjhjhjjujjjjjjjjhj mmjnhhghhhhmmmjhn throw a suicide party and I'm guaranteed to fucking snap, it's evilsonic, it's pornoholic. Breakdowns obscenities is all I wanna be. IF YOU'RE 555 I'M 666, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE A HERETIC. I'm thisssssss close to snapping I swear to fucking christ Ethan I'll turn this car around if you don't shut up. mmmmmmhhhhhhhh.

Are there not seasonal regularities? You have phenomenas like seasonal depression, suicide rates rising in the spring, different activities based on the season etc. Things like light intensity, air temperature and daytime length are huge determining factors for behavior with complex effects down the line. @Staples' point is related to that.

I was at exactly the same place you were, at virtually the same time - four years ago I felt like I was in a very dark place, and there just seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I was even googling the best ways to go about it (drug overdose apparently isn't the way to go), felt like I had no other option. Just couldn't quite bring myself to do it though, boy was I close though... I've had phases of feeling suicidal, I remember there were times in my mid-twenties where I'd wake up in the morning and I'd just think, 'Why even go on?' I felt so lost and alone, I couldn't see any reason to go on. It's not like I was really hysterical or anything, I'd plan it all out quite rationally in my head - the best way to go about it, how to make it look like an accident so it'd be easier on my family (so they didn't have to live with the stigma of suicide).

Sometimes I do think about whether I should kill myself or not. I know that the smart and rational thing for me would be to kill myself. It would most likely in an instant solve all my suffering and problems. But when you take also others into the equation, then it's not such a easy decision anymore. What I would gain in stopping to suffer, would be lost on my parents suffering more. About 4 years ago I was very close to killing myself. I had everything ready, the rope, suicide letter, etc, but when I was about to do it, I couldn't do it.

After reading “Cleanse to Heal” and following the heavy metal detox cleanse in the book by Medical Medium, I am 100% fatigued and exhausted after just drinking lemon juice in the AM and can’t even get to juice or make the other part of the protocol. Everything make so much sense. My mom is extremely unhealthy, toxic, ocd, etc. her heavy metals in the womb definitely got passed down and explains my OCD, fatigue, ADD from a very young age. I realized that these metals basically control everything I do in my day because, I have no freedom when I’m at the Will of low energy levels and toxic brain disorders from these metals. Then when I detox, my life derails it’s self even more because it’s sooo intense Now the toxins accumulated are too much to handle I can’t stop thinking of ways to escape reality. No health professional is going to do the work for me. I don’t feel comfortable doing the Cutler way of chelating as I’m in a place where I won’t be a perfectionist with it, and I’m not going to risk suicide because of the toxins/Chelation damaging my brain and organs further. Who’s had success with heavy metal cleanses and how they did it exactly?

He's mostly green and some yellow, if you listened to his commentary he makes points that everyone suffers, that statistically black men are treated just as bad if not worst than trans... but its all relative. His general message in the netflix special is we should all love each other. If you listen to his last special he mentioned his good friend a trans comedian defended him because he gave her an opener slot when he came to oakland, not even knowing how good she was. This friend was then harassed and canceled from the trans community, then spiraled into deeper depression and committed suicide. Many people in the trans community have lots of wounds to heal from... in the first place they grew up not loving who they are and their environment as a child wasn't supportive in helping them explore their sexuality and gender.... but really how many parents are equipped to handle such things?? Their wounds prevent them to see and listen to things.... It's not anyone's job to love you but it's your job to find a way to love those that you want love from. Personally, I was a victim of hate crimes which got me fearful, angry, sad, and many other emotions... if I can turn back time, I would have given myself that advice.

I have the right stuff to make it happen. Other players recognize my talents and agree that I am under rated. I played black in this game against an International Master and won. https://lichess.org/guK01WfB Am I willing to make my entire life chess? No, and there are world champions like Kasparov and Carlsen who also play sports and are politically active. Some grandmasters are also psychologists or engineers. If I were to do something aside from chess it would be restructuring our society such that we appreciate the significance of emotional mastery which is completely overlooked in education. This vision I have resonates with me most emotionally because all my life I struggled with self manipulation in which I tried to push away my most authentic emotions to convince myself I was someone else. If there are other people who struggled in this way, then I could make my life about teaching society the limitations of education and how to overcome them. One of the consequences would be to prevent suicide, but there would be a much broader impact beyond that. This leaves me with a big decision because these two directions for my life are good, but the second resonates with me most emotionally. I don't yet know how to actualize the second and I still don't make enough to get away from family. This leaves me with some uncertainty and feeling split as to where I should go. I will keep researching other methods for actualizing the second vision.

@Thought Art me too brother. Just don't casually mention suicide. This is not an option, it's stupidity. You just need to clear up some emotions. Read ask and it is given and the path of least resistance. These 2 books will help.

Birthday Blues There is a wave of depression that hits me around my birthday every year usually starting a month before my birthday. I have a lot of baggage around my birthday and I just wanted to vent about that. My birthday never felt like my day. First of all, my mom and I have the same birthday. We never had a good relationship and I don't like having to share my birthday with someone who caused so much pain in my life. She also always makes a fuss about the day, yells at service workers, and nit picks at what I'm eating when we go out to eat for the night. I also always feel like I'm being forced to celebrate. I'm always feeling depressed during this time of the year and instead of my parents trying to empathize with me and hear me out, they try to force me to celebrate and then yell at me and call me ungrateful when I'm not faking a smile perfectly. The celebration feels much more about them in the sense that if I had a lowkey birthday that they would feel like terrible people. But when I voice what I actually want, then I'm the weird one and there is something wrong with me because no normal person would be down on their birthday. I'm also forced to be with my toxic family during this time. This year, my anti vax aunt and uncle are pissed because I didn't celebrate my 21st birthday with them. I mean, this time last year was when the pandemic was peaking and we didn't have the vaccine so like.... I was trying to make sure we were all safe... But yeah, because of this my parents are like "it's your family obligation to spend time with us on your birthday." Then there is how there is always a ton of religious stuff going on during October. Basically, from the end of September to early (sometimes mid) November, is the holiday season for Hindu people. Having your birthday around Diwali is the equivalent of having your birthday on Christmas so I get the whole *hey, this present counts for both holidays* thing. That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is how growing up I could never celebrate my birthday around my birthday because every time I would try to invite people, they would have plans. So most of the time I would celebrate at November. One time my birthday even got pushed all the way back to December. And because of the amount of stuff happening during this time of year, most people forget about my birthday anyway. My birthday is a reminder of all of the years I wasted being depressed. I had 2 suicide attempts around my birthday. One was the day before my 16th birthday. That year basically marked me being depressed for over half my life and I didn't want to continue living if it meant my life was going to continue on like this. The second was around this time last year. I ended up in the hospital and I had to put school on pause. I was finally starting to live my best life and get out of this only to be dragged back into living with my parents because of the pandemic. It sometimes feels useless to try to get better. I don't feel all that better compared to last year. Sure I don't want to kill myself but I still feel depressed, anxious, and exhausted and I'm not sure if there are any good things in store for me. My birthday basically makes me think *great... another year has gone by with me being miserable. How much longer do I have to hold on like this?* My birthday reminds me on how I'm not living a normal life, how I'm not living up to my own standards, and how I don't have friends. I feel like most normal people expect that you have plans for your birthday. Whenever that question comes up, I just don't have an answer because in most cases, I just want to be left alone during my birthday. I don't have that many friends who I feel like I can celebrate with. I also feel like I don't have a good enough social life. I feel like most people reminiscent on all the fun memories they made with their loved ones during the past year and I just don't have many of those memories. I don't mind having a few friends and spending most of my time in solitude but I feel like when my birthday rolls around, I feel like I simply didn't do enough. It's also just like how I feel like I haven't achieved enough each year. I feel so stagnant in my life and I feel like I'm not growing up. A lot of this goes back to the whole imposter syndrome thing I wrote about in the previous post. Also, my 20s actually feel like a thing now. And that freaks me out because it feels like my 30s are going to creep up on me and that is like a scary age to me. I know this isn't the healthiest outlook but I feel like there is this pressure to basically live out your whole life in your 20s and how this is the decade where you're supposed to have an amazing career, have a house, a solid social circle, a husband, maybe think about settling down and having kids, travel, be hot, achieve a shit ton of things, and basically be a full fledged adult with their life sorted out etc. I think a lot of it has to do with the boomers because economically, doing a lot of these things were feasible whereas things are simply not the same now and people are taking their time with these milestones. There are a couple of videos that I really like on this subject: My birthday also remind me aging and as a result mortality which then leads to an existential crisis. At one point, my 20s were also a scary age. I remember having this pressure to figure out what I wanted from life and what my priorities were in my late teens and have this plan of how I'm going to be full fledged adult. I also felt like I didn't have much of a margin of error and that any mistake I made could set me back like a decade and that's a decade lost of me not living my fullest life. I think a lot of this had to do with late stage capitalism and how the older people basically started nitpicking at the ways young people lived their lives and dealt with money instead of addressing systemic issues. And to still not have my shit sorted out now freaks me tf out. Then there is the whole pandemic and how I had to take time off of school messing with my perception of time. Basically, it can be summed up by this: Like, I don't feel like I'm about to turn 22. I still feel a few months into 20. And it feels like I wasn't able to start my life and instead I acquired a new flavor of crazy after sorting out my issues from my childhood. I also feel like I really let down my 18 year old self because of how these last 4 years went. I was supposed to be senior this year and I wasn't even able to do that. And it isn't even because my priorities are messed up or that I made a ton of bad decisions. Life just kind of happened. Like I remember at that age telling myself that I'm going to prioritize having quality relationships, pay attention to school but not get consumed by it, travel, let myself growth from and experience life, and over all have this well rounded college experience. I had the right idea and what I valued hasn't changed. It wasn't a lapse of judgement rather it was a lapse of circumstance that cause these thing to not come true. And that's something I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of going through life not really living, not because I don't know how to live or because I have shit priorities, but because life just happened. I'm not saying this as someone who is afraid they aren't taking control / responsibility of life and they are just letting things happen to them. Rather I'm speaking as someone who is taking responsibility and is putting in the effort to build something sustainable but there is always a chance that something completely outside of your control can come in and take everything from you. I make well thought out decisions because I don't want to waste my time prioritizing something stupid and instead I want to maximize the amount of fulfillment I get while I'm alive. And given how things have gone so far, I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my life.