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@Samra So by alien I you mean something that has a completely different sense of self?

Oh man. I'm trying, but I'm not very good at explaining. There is only one type of "I" . Even a mosquito is the same "I". Have you ever experienced any other type? No! An alien "I"? And I don't mean alien not from earth. I mean like mother Ayahusaca alien. A completely different entity that you cannot comprehend as your own "I". It doesn't exist. There is only one type of exsistance than I know of.

I have taken 12 grams of dried mushrooms Once. Not really planning to get back to such a dose as it's just not that much more useful than 3-5g well executed trip. Generally the bigger the dose the harder it is to extract lessons from the trip as the mind gets really "unstable". I would say do it if you have built your way up to it with the doses of 2-4-6-8 grams, otherwise the jump might be too big as the experience you get can not be mapped to anything else. Would be the same as trying to read scientific papers in a new language you just picked up one week ago. Trip itself shortly... On 12 grams I felt like some kind of alien intelligence took over my body. I know it sound weird. On higher doses of LSD it still feels like you are in the driving seat if you want to. There is a chance to contemplate, inquire. Mushrooms on the other hand... different beast. Unpredictable, wild. It takes over. It enjoys tripping you. It shows you what it wants you to see.

... After the Shamans sang our songs, I went back to my mattress. I could feel vibrations and the effects of the songs within me. They were working their magic. I started seeing and becoming one with the plant. The plant showed me that my mother is not a human. No ones mother is a human. There is no human. And everything starting going back in time. And everything became one simple plant. He/She said, I am your mother. You are me. Then everything started to go even further into nothingness. And all sensory systems disappeared. I started seeing the original fabric of existence. It was made of two linear lines. Floating and dancing, changing colours, playing with each other. Sometime after that the ceremony ended. I through up right before the last song at the request of the alien within, and it made me feel better. As i walked out of the spaceship, I was blown away by the stars in the night sky. For the fist time in my life, I could see the Milky way. My friend joined me soon after. We picked up bunch of blanket, went on the big porch balcony in pitch black, and slept under the stars for some time. Day 2: In the morning, we all gathered in the same room, cleaning up after our own mess, and cleaning our buckets. We all shared details of our journey to each other and to the Shamans. To my surprise, most people didn't have any visuals. Most people had physical and emotional insights. Some just had a hard night, throwing up violently. That somehow fed my ego. I was proud of myself for seeing so many beautiful things, whilst others didn't. I though to myself ( that's because I am an artist and I have a super creative mind). This ego backlash came to hunt me at night. On this day, I made couple of mistakes in retrospect. I slept in the afternoon, from 1 pm to 5:30 pm. Although the Shamans suggested that, it made me super drowsy. Also I think i ate more than I needed. So by 9 pm, i was still not hungry. I started running around the retreat, trying to burn some energy and feel more alive. Nothing really worked. I went in the ceremony not in a great mood. Like the first night, Ceremony started and everybody had a cup of the medicine. I soon started to feel the effect. However, no visuals. I wanted to see. I needed to see the visuals again i thought to myself. My ego took over, I was in so much control. I was so frustrated at myself. After sometime, the Shamans offered a second drink, no one went for it. So even though i wasn't really feeling high, i didn't go either. An hour later, two guys went for a second cup. It was then that the plant ( or the ego) asked me to for the second cup. I was in doubt, but i heard the voices in me, "i thought you are ready for this. I though you wanted an ego death. I though you wanted to know me. Why are you being a pussy now." So i went in front of the Shaman for the second cup. The Shaman looked me with doubt. But he offered me a little bit. I literally had a sip, half the amount the Shaman offered me. As soon as i got back to my seat, I started seeing visuals again. "Now we are talking!" I though to myself. But the visuals were in pure. They were forced. They were mine, not a gift from the plant. I accepted that and enjoyed my trip anyways. Sometime after that, the ceremony ended, and my trip didn't. I tried throwing up, nothing cam out. I was so dizzy. Everybody left the room. I went to my room to my friend. She had an amazing night. She had cried and felt so much love. And she had seen so many beautiful visuals. I hadn't experienced any of that. Jealousy took over. We went to bed, and my real trip started. I had heard about bad trips before, but i have never really experienced it. I now know what hell is like. I was in so much agony. Physically, emotionally , spiritually. I could see darkness taking over me. My breath became toxic. My blood pressure dropped. I was dying, but not in a nice way. I was fading away and joining the dark forces. Light was gone. And thats when i started getting a lot of insights. I told myself: You have brought this on yourself by being a control freak, you accept the responsibility. Face it all. Face this moment. And i faced all the sadness, hate, suffering. I faced my ugliest form: I am impure. I am weak. I am alone. My parents are dying. War is coming. No one likes me. I have no friends. I have no talent. I am such a mediocre artist. I am a failure. I dont deserve love. I dont know love. I dont deserve a good life. This is all fake. I am so fake. I am such a pity. Nothing matters. No one will save me.... I faced all of myself. I was dying. From inside myself, I called up thousands of Roman soldiers to come to my protection. All these gladiators surrendered me. But a powerful female entity appeared, and melted all the soldiers away. She said there is no escaping this. Face it. So i faced it all. It never got easier. This went on for an eternity. I though i am lost in this madness forever. To be honest, even now, i am still not sure if I totally got out. Sometime past. I was able to get out of the bed. I needed to get the alien out of body. My friend woke up as well. We went to kitchen, and i had gallons of water. Finally something came out. Still feeling dizzy and weak, we went to our room. My friend came to my rescue. She so full of love, lied beside me, gently cresting my hair, telling me it will be alright. I let her go to sleep, and i went back to my own darkness. Around 8 am, I fell sleep. I think i slept for an hour total that night. Around 9 I woke up. Feeling dizzy and weak. But I was reborn. I survived the night of the dark soul. I congratulated myself. Went out of the room. At 10 , we had breakfast and shared our night experience. Most people had a fantastic night. So many insights, so much love. So many beautiful visuals. My night stood out like a swore thumb. I cried and was shaking the whole time describing my experience. Both Shamans looked at me with their wise eyes and smiled. I was so humbled. I am just an old child. Thank you.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/paranormalnow/2018/06/29/an-alien-story-with-reed-summers

Heck, no alien's for me! I have enough trouble figuring humans out.

@Hotaka I don't know. Let's see if you can relate: I always come out of thought into the crown, or third eye. From there I can shift between the two down to the throat and no further. It is stuck at the throat and if I leave it there, it silences the mind. It feels like a blockage, because I cannot move it down below to other areas. It can also be interpreted as an excitement of the throat because of a constant flow downwards. It doesn't seem to be directed towards anything below. As if the capacity of spaciousness of the chest was too great to be filled with this flow. When I let the crown go through the throat, I can simultaneously focus on the breath. With the throat active, as I exhale, I can 'pump' the spaciousness through my spine downward, towards the root (anus?). As i do this, I feel pleasant vibrations throughout the spine. It feels as if the space reached the root and reversed, shooting upwards. I wonder if I can reach the heart this way, or there needs to be a third movement, irrespective of the throat and breath. At the early stages of my meditation practice, I felt two movements of this space that I can relate to now. Both felt as if I was a superconductor for the space. One was like the space shifted through me downwards. It felt as if I was infinitely heavy. Pinned down to the ground. It did not even occur to me to move in this state. It was like I was eternal, like the space itself. My whole body, every inch of it, became aware of the movement down. The other experience was when the space moved upwards. It felt then, as if I was weightless. As if my body didn't exist. This body feels like a gland of the space, yes. It is a way to pump it. It feels as if I was an organ within the cosmic body that influences this space. The cosmic body being me. It is not something other/alien, but me. I can shift from the mind-perspective into the body-perspective that I just described. I have come here by developing the mind-perspective to the point in which it became similar to the spaciousness. This is how it was possible to me to cross the body-mind barrier. This barrier is what I call the identity. Psychology operates on this boundary, where the mind and the body meet. Yes. Everything about me is arbitrary now. The self-story is a matter of choice. It all became an intertwined mess of events with no apparent causality. I don't see auras per se, but I can recognize forms of energy in non-scientific terms. People seem to have problems with funneling some forms of energy into other. Like connection with people into money, or money into understanding. We're too heavily grounded in objective perspective and cannot deal with money properly. It stagnates and builds up. I haven't thought about the space-time correspondence in-depth yet. From the body perspective, everything is here and now. There is no time in this domain. I think that you will find this graph useful:

Ayahusaca Trip report : June 2018 I arrived in Lisbon, Portugal on a Wednesday and met up with my friend who has flown from Canada. We had lots of fun exploring the beautiful city of Lisbon and catching up. Next day, we rented a car and drove three hours to our retreat. We met with all the other super interesting people who were there for the ceremony. There was a total of 12 of us. I had an interview with one of our Shamans. She asked about myself and my intentions, as well as any previous experiences with any drugs or psychedelics and all the other important details. Around 9 pm, we all gathered around in a beautiful glass room called Spaceship for obvious reasons. We had our Purge ceremony. Basically, you drink a horrible Tobacco medicine, and after some time, you drink gallons of water, until you throw up. It is not pleasant, but after you are super clear and you have this amazing sensation. Bunch of us gathered in the backyard, and talked about ourselves and intentions and experiences. I made couple of lovely connections which i will never forget. Next day, we had a very healthy breakfast. No salt, no suger,.... We had an even simpler lunch at 1 pm. Around 3 pm, me, my friend and bunch of other people went to a beautiful beach near by, high above the cliffs. The beauty was mesmerising. I sat on top of the cliffs, and meditated and contemplated for a while. Once we got back to the retreat, I found another glass meditation room and just stayed there by myself, trying not to get tangled up with conversations with other people. Most people were doing the same thing. We were all preparing for our journey. Around 9 pm, everyone gathered in the Spaceship. The Shamans told us were to sit. The had paired people up for based on some sort of logic. The Shamans who are a couple, had a very interesting of singing their Icarus songs. They each sing a different song with a different beat. At first it was very confusing, but soon it made my brain do a funny thing. It would split my consciousness and brain activity in two. I got to love it by the end. After an hour of taking the medicine , I still couldn't really feel anything. People were already throwing up, so I though something must be wrong with me. I was getting frustrated and thought maybe i am not worthy. It was then when the Shamans called for anyone who wants a second cup. Almost everyone got up. I managed to go as well. This was quite surprising to me, since i had a very hard time last year. It seemed that my body and mind have become much more tolerant and stronger. Within minutes of having the second cup, the plant started talking to me. I started shaking and feeling pain all over my body. I felt an alien going through my veins. It was a horrible pain. I realised this must be how a heroin addict must feel like. And I learned compassion. The plant told me if i can't take it, I am allowed to through up. I told he/she I am ready, so Bring it on. Right away, a light burst out of my chest, and I saw a portal opening, and the alien entered my being. It took control. I started seeing a lot of visuals. Beauty, destruction, death, life, horror, pain, fear, love. Everything was visual and sensual. I was in bliss and pain at the same time. I asked her what is my purpose in life? He/she said why don't you become a Shaman? And i said no way. Im not strong enough. And she said fine, then i'll give you an easier purpose. Just draw me. Just paint me. Show people my beauty, and that will alone will bring light. And he/she showed me all her incredible beauty ( which i m already starting to forget) . She also told me that she is not only light, but the opposite as well. And all this dark forces appeared. So powerful and masculine. I was terrified. But she said accept. So i did. There is beauty in horror. He/She has no preference, and so I should learn not to have a preference either. And then I here the Shaman calling my name. I walked in front of him, and my friend was called by the female Shaman. Then they Sang a song specific to each of us at the same time. I was blown away. Sharing this experience with my friend is priceless. To be continued ...

wow, I'm deeply impressed. how is that even possible.. and they even want us to believe that veganism is somehow deficient. incredible. <3 there really is something alien about Victor...exotic. so open, calm and joyful, like it's a play. wow, I can feel his energy through the screen. I wonder how it must be to talk to him in person have you tried living as a breatharian,@pluto ? I think I've read that in an older post of yours?

Wow this guy seems amazing. He seems like an alien to me. How can it be possible not to eat and to drink? Does he ever get sick? A friend of mine told me a story that he met a girl who did't consume food aswell while participating an Ayahuasca retreat . I don't remember if she didn't cosume liquid too. My friend told me she was speaking with him and told him that she can see that he is not grounded. I guess these people get superpowers after not cosuming for a long time. Are there any publications from science about this topic? Everything speaks against scientific research. It's almost like a bad joke when you tell somebody that you live from air and love :-D

There's definitely something alien about him. He looks androgynous, has a strange way of communicating and his eyes are so damn hypnotic... There really are some hidden gems out there eh...

No one's found anything on Korean, Japanese or Chinese blue people? These countries still remain mostly alien to us.

Remember that he who claims to be Jesus will be someone from the Greater Community of intelligent life (alien), a hybrid, connected to the collective mind of non-spiritual races in the universe. Jesus will come in the Knowledge today that still exists within You. www.alliesofhumanity.org

Indeed...Virtue of those who are holy embody order. In that order manifests itself physically and psychologically making for a life of physical/psychological vigor and longevity. Also, when we see that there is no division between oneself and another, we see that one individual is influencing the stream of human consciousness and physical evolution of mankind as well. Each one of us influences the way in which man kind lives and interrelates with themselves, others, and the world. In this mankind will collectively live more holistically integrated and physically robust lives. Anyone who views themselves as an “independent entity”(ego), that will die and enter into the “the kingdom of heaven” as an isolated and alienated spirt is bound to live an unholy life and betray the gift of the present moment. When fear dictates every action in ones life, one will remain moving and acting according to the divisive notion of the i and other. When one acts in accordance to the false idea that one is an independent entity who is alien to the world and others, one will continue to put off incarnating now in this life. Do we see the importance to incarnate now, instead of “next life” ??? When we see that the “next life” is another movement of time/mind, and a dualistic assumption that only an ego(thought) conjures up, we then see that now is all the ever is. The beauty of death which is life, is to incarnate now. As now is all there is. Anything not of now is of the imagination.

I dropped college today, because I don't think it is right for me in this point in time. I am starting to feel like an alien from everybody. I really don't care about anything anymore. Everything feels meaningless and empty. I wish I could just fall asleep or wake up.

Your world is being “visited” by several alien races and by several different organizations of races. The Extraterrestrial Presence in the World Today http://alliesofhumanity.org/alien-races-earth/ The author, Marshall Vian Summers from a multi-racial, extraterrestrial group of individuals who refer to themselves as the “Allies of Humanity.” They describe themselves as physical beings from other worlds who have gathered in our solar system near the Earth for the purpose of observing the communications and activities of those alien races who are here in our world interfering in human affairs. @Hotaka Most of members on this forum don't believe in Extraterrestrial life !

overcoming one's inner ego is the first step next is dealing with the outer ego,the ego of other people, the ego's all around you with higher empathy (which leads to telempathy) that you seem to have you are very aware of other people's ego and this is the next step, overcoming the ego of someone else, dealing with the ego of another you're already sensing the effects of your vibration on other people, because you know there will be attention involving light emotions and attention involving dark emotions. Ill tell you right away you will be famous, people may not know consciously whats going on but subconsciously they will feel it, to enlighten is to embody the light of a star, you literally carry a fuckton of star energy, its physical and when you pass by its like a electrical current passing by, people are literally inside your electric field, and this happens all the time with everyone,we're all inside each others electric field all the time, we dont notice this connection because most people are tuned into the approximate same range of vibration so when someone who's on the enlightened path pass by and the energy is a thousand times stronger,its fucking physical,literally, they feel it and they know something is up Ive entered spaces with people where I felt like an alien visiting because I could feel how far my vibration is from the medial unaware vibration this is not some removed subtle light little feeling shit, vibrations are physical Ive passed people by and I saw their face instantly light up , their consciousness awaken, as if blinded by the sun, ive seen people be in fear, that start to race, ive seen some look at me with an expression of "???wtf is this, this isnt part ofmy reality?." some rebel against you suddenly comes someone with power as great as a living star captivated, magnified,their attention pulled like a black hole into the presence of a complete stranger. some resist, instead of letting them get inspired by the magic and power of life, which aims to teach them to how to do this themself, how to have that for their own life and being, they refuse to let another human being bring this gift of energy to them, theyd rather maintain their ego some will turn to fear to hate,to envy, to rejection,rebellion, sabotage Do know that people who are open-hearted and accepting will not be disturbed, they will gracefully receive your higher energy and will be able to immediately use it for their own vibration and well being, for their own lives, to them this is not a battle of maintaining the ego but a refreshing shower of love I will tell you this my friend, when you throw someone into envying you or hating you some people carry a lot of negativity, it should not be tolerated though, ever, the desirable outcome is for the person to swallow their own envy and hate, take responsibility, and transmute it into positive energy. even better is to let the highenergy not go to negative emotions but to positive emotions right from the get go, your scholarschip can inspire many people around you, can bring love and joy to many around you, and make a real difference in their lives to be proud is good, and healthy people who see someone else being proud will see the truth of life, they will be inspired and motivated by you those who are not willing to put their ego down will funnel negative energy towards you, not you personally, but you are an embodiment of a belief that they do not want to accept, the belief of unity of life ,for most have the belief of separation, that we all survive by ourselves, so they refuse to let someone else deeply inspire them, they refuse to feel this love the only way is zero tolerance, absolute reflection, you never attack someone, but you absolutely reflect if someone wants to funnel negative energy your way you let them know, its their absolute right to know that negative energy creates more negative energy, so you reflect that back with zero tolerance and and they will taste what they're serving,thats the truth of life, you get what you emit once you start to enlighten you are a guru to many people the same way there have been guru's to you,whether they know and/or accept this subconsciously or not there is male and female energy, we are allowed to take action and create what we want, and there are moments where we must submit, those that refuse to submit, to lay their ego down when it is called for, THEY WILL PAY THE PRICE, we are as much kings over life as life is a queen over us chose my friend, will you back off being afraid of envy and hate, or you will you go forward, caring about the people that you will inspire, the real positive change that you will bring to this world? your high energy events will help many many more people then the ones who will rebel against you

Okey.. lets start with the fact that i am commited to this path, i found it interested form the beggining. im still in a very low point of course, but, sure my life has changed a lot since i embarked on board. But a question that i still have difficulty to answer is how to deal with people, close to you (or not), which can't open their minds to such possilities. At first i was getting mad, but soon i realized that if i get mad i haven't any difference from them except the beliefs, nowadays as i try to raise my consciousness i start to feel compassion for their suffering. But even if you dont get mad, even i you are compassionate. how do you deal with people which you have repeatedly told them about the possiblity of self actualization, they look at you like an alien, and they tell you about their "problems" again and again. should i tell him/her how he/she could approach this problem better? but get mad about me bacause i cant understant? or should i just agree with them and give them a shitty surface solution or not give any suggestions at all (oh yea i undesrtand, thats sucks). im sure all of us who have taken this path and have a glimpse of the possibilities of it, have faced this kind of issues. im just asking opinions of what is a helpfull approach that is best both for you and them. sorry for my english

@WindInTheLeaf You can tell often times both by what people write about and how they write it. For example, if somebody writes a lot about 2C-B, LSD, mushrooms, etc. and gives a lot of trip reports, they're likely a psychonaut. If somebody constantly questions non-duality and demands peer-reviewed scientific evidence on any claim (that was me for a long time), they're probably an armchair skeptic. I've met all of these different types of people at some point, and if you meet enough of them in real life, you know how to recognize them in other formats like this forum. These are labels of course, and there is a lot of overlapping. The main point I was making was this forum has a rich variety of people that make it an interesting place to visit and learn from. Where I live, the vast majority of the people go to Protestant churches, vote Republican every election, listen to country music exclusively, eat friend greasy foods regularly, live for tailgating and football season, drive gigantic pickup trucks, and have health problems due to obesity and alcoholism. I feel like an alien living here, so it's great to have places like this where you know people care about the same things you do like the nature of existence, the welfare of our planet, and the ending of suffering.

@Alien A) Of course any insight had while tripping can be had without tripping. B) Don't confuse an intellectual insight of the mind with Direct Consciousness. It's one thing to imagine that the universe is infinite. That's easy. Anyone child can do that. It's a totally nother thing to actually become infinite yourself and transcend your mortality. You should make a distinction between intellectual realizations and changes to your physical level of being. You can think about infinity all day long. But that is not infinity. That is finity.

Thanks guys. I'll have to listen to these later once I get home. (don't want to interrupt the music my friend's mom is playing) Things are a little awkward right now (we haven't really talked to each other since we got here) We are just packing up his stuff at his house to put up into storage. It's a little weird seeing pictures of him.. His mom cries at every one she grabs... I don't know how to react to it right now... so I just hug her till she stops and keep packing... It all feels so alien to me right now... Neither of us wants to go near his room right now... so I think we have both non verbally agreed to leave it for last... But I'm feeling a little better today, being out of my house.

Recently I had my last day of high school, and so my mind naturally became sentimental in thinking about the past. I want know what the best ways are to understand the unconscious motivations driving me. Skip to the end if you can't be bothered to read. Im gonna write a lot. Why I'm asking this question and a bit about me I've realised that I understand very little about why my experiences happened the way they did, and I can't figure out what I was chasing after back then and what I'm chasing after now. Whilst the details of my memories aren't incredibly sharp in terms of precise mundane details, I have a very detailed and rich memory of important phases of my life during high school and the underlying emotions I felt at the time. Although I say that I understand very little about my past it's probably the case that I understand a lot about my experiences, it's just that I don't want to accept and confront the fact that I've always felt like an alien/outsider in my interactions with people. The feeling of being misunderstood and lonely, subtly yet strongly, permeates all of my experiences in school from when I was 4 years old to now when I am 17. It might be worth noting that I'm an INTP who suffers from anxiety/depression, and I've got a parent was/is abusive to me (to only describe the relationship with the word "abusive" wouldn't accurately convey the nuanced situation however). This parent of mine is very paranoid and holds delusional suspicions (which are not targeted at me), and I have a strong history of mental illness from one of my parent's side of the family. I some autistic traits which I have inhereted from one of my parents, but I would probably be what you call "high functioning". My past experiences There is far too much I can say here, so my explanation will likely be cut short and incoherent since there's a lot in my mind (emotions, particular memories) which I can't articulate well. I'll talk a bit about my experiences, by first starting with primary school [ which I was in when aged 4-11 years old]. For a reason unbeknownst to me, I was a very shy kid by the time I was 4. Apparently I was very late to speak as a baby, which is maybe a consequence of autism. From the very start of primary school, I was mildly bullied and was socially excluded. Although I can't pinpoint a reason for this, I think this happened because of the fact I behaved strangely as a child. Although I behaved strangely, it was far from being malicious or violent. By the age of 6-7, the bullying stopped and as I mildly gained the respect of people around me. Around the age of 7 I naturally developed a very strong interest in maths, and this has stuck with me for life. It was something I was constantly praised for by adults. Thankfully I wasn't bullied for this at all in primary school. Even after I stopped being bullied, I was at the bottom of the "social hierarchy". I was often peoples last choice for playing games with, and it felt as though I had to always make an effort to fit in and get people to play with me. I finished high school at age 11. I didn't stay in touch with anyone from primary school. At age 11 I then entered a private high school. When my first year started, I found that I was being popular for reasons I didn't understand. It might be because I was blunt and would tell offensive but funny jokes, and represented a paradox of maturity and immaturity. I was really good at tackling people in rugby even though I was short, and so the sporty kids loved me for that. I was friends with the "jocks" and "the nerds" at the same time. I was tired of being nerd earlier in my life, so I tried to fit in with the cool kids. However, they weren't really on my wavelength at all. I found them to be superficial and shallow beyond belief. They shared different hobbies from me for the most part. They were allowed to have girlfriends whilst I have had the opposite sex demonised to me because of my upbringing. The "cool kids" detected that I wasn't on their wavelength as well, but I maintained a casual relationship with them for two years. Although I interacted with the cool kids, it was the "nerds" who were my real homes. I just went to the "cool kids" temporarily if they were doing some fun activity like playing football or rugby. During my second year of high school I developed a major crush for someone, but I couldn't pursue anything because of my religion. She was really good looking and gave me signals (e.g. She was touching my leg repeatedly with her foot under the table) , but I never did anything. This led to me having great frustration. I ended up question religion as a whole during my adolescence, a became an atheist at age 14. Something at the centre of my being rejected everything about the way the "jocks" acted. They were arrogant, genuinely malicious at times, and wanted to put whoever they could down around them. And for the first two years of school, I had two close friends. These two guys happened to be the two highest academic achievers in all subjects, whilst I only "shined" in maths and science. Despite this, we had many similar interests and fun playing games with each other. They were on my wavelength. After two years, I had drifted away from the cool kids. After two years my loneliness started to grow. When interacting with the vast vast majority of people I felt like an outsider. During my third year of high school, I fell down the dominance hierarchy, quickly spiralling down towards the bottom. During my third year of school, people were put into different classes of "ability". I was separated from my friends for science classes because I never bothered to study. One of the two close friends I had started drifting away to hang out with the girls, and I didn't follow him. I was too awkward and my religion hindered me. Plus the girls he choose to hang out with were unpleasant, gossipy people. I had just one friend left, and I didn't end up seeing him too often. This friend that I had left was Asian and Muslim like me, (unsurprisingly?). My interests were in discussing philisophy, religion, science, psychology, politics and etc but nobody elses were. Whether it was sitting in classes, eating lunch, and walking to classes, I was lonely. Rooms would be full with multiple cliques (nerds, normals, jocks, etc) of people talking loudly, I would be awkwardly at the side. I watched from the sidelines everyone enjoy their life. Hung out with nerds, but didn't really feel connected to them. As high school went on, my loneliness grew and grew. During my 6-7th years of high school my classes became small and I was mostly interacting with nerds all the time. I took only science subjects and maths, and I had my friends in these classes. My curiosity for maths and science really bloomed during these, and people were shocked at how "intelligent" I was because my grades aren't usually good. I went to a private school filled with people who were very competitive and hardworking academically. I have a circle of 10 "friends" and some of them were envious of me and put me down for my interest in maths. Most of the teachers were unable to answer the questions I asked them, and whenever I tried discussing something I find really interesting in maths/physics with my friends I would get cut off, because they perceived my interest and enthusiasm for the abstract as a form of showing off. If I ever go full loose in showing my train of thought to people, they are sometimes spiteful and look at me as weird. And so I naturally became more and more lonely, as I felt rejected by everyone around me. On a side note, I hate the way information is taught in school, and that demotivated me from learning and growing as much as I could. I'll hopefully be studying physics at university later this year. My question How can I understand the forces which drive my behaviour? Practicing mindfulness is something very very very important, and I plan to develop myself as a whole. Our mind can react to sensations and feelings in our consciousness in automated ways which we don't consciously register. But I want to know what I can do outside of (meditation) /(consciousness training) to understand myself. What books are best? What theory do I need? What ways of thinking should I use in dissecting my past experiences? I want to know why it is I don't fit in. It because of my mbti type? (I'm an INTP). Is it because of my score on the big five scale? Agreeableness: 1st percentile Compassion: 4th percentile Politeness: 1st percentile Conscientiousness: 0th percentile Industriousness: 0th percentile Orderliness: 2nd percentile Extraversion: 22nd percentile Enthusiasm: 13th percentile Assertiveness: 41st percentile Neuroticism: 92nd percentile Withdrawal: 98th percentile Volatility: 63rd percentile Openness to Experience: 97th percentile Intellect: 94th percentile Openness: 95th percentile

Fair point, although i wonder if there are some sentient beings which a car indeed could NOT hurt. (For example, for all we know some extraterrestrial life could be so alien to us that we can't even interact with them, including with cars. Or maybe the Earth herself has some kind of subjective experience... Although im sure she would dislike cars smh global warming). "Objective" to me actually means what is the nature of something regardless of any life form / subjective perspective of it. This almost necessitates that there is no objectivity. What does a car look like ovjectively, despite any subjective take on it? Pure nothingness, black hole singularity etc. Tbf the question doesn't make sense... to look like something requires subjectivity. You would think "well mass energy charge and other fundamental qualities etc of an object (like the ability to run humans over) ARE objectively intrinsic qualities of those objects"... which makes perfect sense from our human intuition... however modern physics is strongly supporting that things have no intrinsic qualities on their own independent of the observation of them. There aren't even any "things" independent of our experience of them. For example, the photon that was not in a location / in every location / transcended "location" that was suddenly in spot A when observed... There wasn't actually a photon doing any of that, only the appearance of a photon (and the appearance of a scientist looking for the photon...) Similarly for a car running @Faceless over and killing him. Not to act like it's nbd.... The pain would appear to be real as would the grief it caused to all of us actualizers who enjoy reading his far out posts!

the rewards for opening one's heart are absolutely magical and magnifcent,pure magic, pure bliss I understand your beliefs, whichever road you take is the right one, love and support for you my friend I will share this experience I had today, love filled the space, making the sky a hundred times higher I saw human faces as big as a house, space expands and fills in, my body huge,everyone's body huge in this sea of space, my fellow ''humans' are giants the bliss and the magic of looking at someone's gigantic face, incredible, the sounds so vivid cars, cars look like advanced alien spacecraft with living light, so cool I havent taken psychedelics in months, love alters the physical space, realms beyond our imagination can be reached while we are all in harmony love isnt only simple lovey dovey stuff, it can be fucking amazing,like a rockstar, completely badass shit from higher dimensions love yourself and love others,in any way you imagine love to be, that is my recommendation

I have started my internship. I will be looking at swarming in fish. The experiments have not yet started, but we are getting there! Gosh, I had no idea just getting the experiment set up would take so much time and effort. And each replicate(trial) will involve a lot of effort. One trial a week - that's all we can manage apparently. Kind of a shame I won't be able to do much in 2months. I have already spend 1.5 weeks doing nothing but waiting for stuff to come and setting the stage in the meantime. Not sure what else to write. Seems kinda pointless, the only person who can understand is the one I am now. Old thoughts going in circles, guided by new and old conditionings and symptoms. Like a tree, I record every scratch in my trunk. The rings are there, only a figment of what was. I am time itself. The world does not understand, does not need to. Understanding is a part of our biological mechanism - just like everything else it is a lie. The concept of truth is a lie! I am not lying. I am telling the truth. Believe me, won't you, Pramit? What is the value of anything, detached from its context? Like a maze, everything we do - its all definitions containing relationship to other things. Remove the floor, and you leave it naked. And this is where the existential dilemma comes from. The chair - a place to sit, becomes something alien, otherworldly, when you consider it without that function. Who made this instrument and for what? Think of the human - so strange, with two arms, two legs, the ability to make noises and sounds, ghastly teeth to tear and crush, who gives itself 'meaning', a capability to deceive itself if things get too weird. I am a human writing this - I can never see myself that way. Because to see myself in that way, I must first learn how to not see. Impossible. The whole thing is a paradox - a illogical part of our imagination. I am lost again. And perhaps that is the way it is meant to be. Its okay. I am whoever I need to be. I am the world. I am free in the truest sense of the world. The symbol of my freedom lies in the chains on my body. Writing this post reminds me of a alzheimers patient - he wakes up every day to write in his journal 'I am awake', 'now I am awake', 'now I am really awake', 'the other pages are false - today I am truly awake'. A classic case. This is the conditioning for our awakening. I am awake.